does my husband blame me?

Johnna - posted on 02/01/2009 ( 5 moms have responded )

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Why does it seem like my husband blames me for Alex's behavior. Today he told me he could see a conncection. he said that I bring out the tantrums in Alex. Alex is so fearful of his dad being mad, he very rarely talks about his feelings with him. When we talk about feelings, he does tend to get weepy. That was the meanest thing I think my husband has ever said to me! He doesn't believe in the dx either btw.

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Juli - posted on 05/31/2009

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I agree with that. I have found my self telling my husband lets just let this on go I want to have a good day today. We have our days where we are able to support each other and let the situation we are dealing with bounce back and forth between us when we can tell the other is getting frustrated. We have also had many moments where we argue because I may feel he is handling things the wrong way. We are trying very hard to understand all of this and with there being so many different forms I sometimes feel like we have conquered one issue and the other one is already forming. I think there needs to be more of an awareness of ocd so others can understand what everyone dealing with this is going through.

Dianne - posted on 05/30/2009

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I think a parent can sometimes be in denial for what seems to show up without any warning. We CAN "give in" to our child's ocd, as we try to help make it less painful for them, when in reality we are making it worse because it encourages the ocd to take hold even more. But if he somehow thinks it is only your genes that made your son have ocd, he's wrong. In fact, without the male genes, ocd could not develop in a child, so there is no ONE parent that is at fault for the behaviors!

Juli - posted on 03/27/2009

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I can understand where you are coming from. For years my husband thought my son acted the way he did because I spoiled him. He now understands It is the ocd. We have recently found out I am one of my sons triggers. I am his go to person for everything and his punching bag. Like your son mine will not confide in his dad either everything is brought to me whether it is good or bad. We are still trying to figure all of this out. We have been dealing with this for just over a year. Let me tell you it is not you and has nothing to do with you!!!

Lisa - posted on 03/22/2009

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There are going to be times where each of you will feel like you bring out the worst in your son's behavior. And, it is hard I think for men to believe in the diagnosis. I went through the same thing. There are times I am what makes things better for my daughter and other times I make things worse. Or at least that is how it seems. My husband (soon to be ex) deals with things much differently. He too gets mad at her much easier. And, she responds to him much differently.



I hope the two of you can get into some counseling together. Find ways to support each other and your son instead of blaming or making the situation worse. I wish my husband and I would have done counseling before it was too late for us.



I hope you give updates on how you are doing.

Lisa

Leaha - posted on 02/18/2009

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Johnna, I have felt the same way for years. I have an 8 year old with ADHD/ADD, OCD, ODD and is also Bi-Polar. Her father has blamed me for years that her behavior is all my fault and I let her get away with everything, that's why she has defiance issues and he has also said that I have untreated Post Pardum Depression and that causes alot of her problems as well. I guess from that you can see why her father is my EX. lol.  Don't ever blame yourself for Alex's behavior. If you've been told he has a problem, take it for that. It's harder than heck to deal with another parent that doesn't beleive that there is anything wrong with your child. Trust me, I know. It took 5 diffrent physicians, plus 2 school teachers, 2 counselors, and the school principle, plus 2 years of testing to convince my ex that there was a problem with my daughter. And to this day, he refusses to medicate her the way she needs to be to cope with these behavioral problems. I deffinately think that it is unfair for your husband to blame you for what Alex is going throug. Life is hard and you can't predict what your children are going to have to deal with in life. Has Alex maybe gone through something dramatic in his life, like many moves, or divorce or anything that might be a change in routine? And do you have him in counseling? I'm still new to the OCD sceen with my daughter, and being unmedicated for it as well, so I'm not sure if there are medications to help with this. It's frustrating to watch her do some of the things that she has to do, in the mornings when she takes her meds for her ADHD, it takes her litteraly 10 min's to take it because she has a ritual to go throug in order to take it.  I've learned just to let her do it, becuase if I try to interveen and get her to hurry up, it just takes longer and causes more problems.  GRRRR!! IDK, I guess I've rambled enough and probably haven't helped you at all, but don't let your hubby blame you for something that isn't your fault. OCD many times if caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain, so there's no way you could have made your son that way.

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