18 year old that wants to live on her own

Carolyn - posted on 02/16/2011

At 18, tough age to go out on her own. As an adult you can't stop her. Does she have the means to support herself or are you expected to foot the bills. Talk to her about what to expect, cost of food, utilities, school fees, clothes all these things mom & dad usually take care of. Her answers will tell you if she is ready. I told my daughter when she moved out. I could not afford to pay her bills & mine. Told her she could live here, eat here, stay here as long as she wanted or needed. I refused to pay her phone, car, food, utilities bill etc. if she wanted on her own the bills go with her. She moved out at 23yrs old, before she could afford to support her self. She works part time, goes to College full time. Has to use student loans to live, but that was her choice. She may realize later in life that she should have stayed home till much later. It's a choice oh, and don't forget the safety rules. The locking the door, watching your surroundings, carrying maze have a code word for if she calls and is in trouble you will know what it is. Just one common word that both of you will know it's a signal. Self defense classes are always a good idea, offered for free at her College. My daughter gratefully is a Jr. Black Belt in Karate since she was 13. Nothing wrong with a little self discipline as well as self defense. Hopefully she gives you the right answers, to ensure she is going to do everything to keep herself safe. Hope the talk goes well for you, God Bless.

Iris - posted on 02/02/2011

I feel your pain Kim! I have an 18 year old who is misserable. Our situation is a little different. My husband retired from the miitary and was accepted for a job in a state 1800 miles away. Our daughter wanted to stay and not move but, the poor grades and the partying got to my husband. His decision to move her with us was so she focused more on school and completing her degree. Our daughter did not agree but moved anyway. We have been here for 1.5 month and she is still very unhappy. We signed her up for classes, are paying the full tuition, bought her a new car, arranged to have her go back home to visit her friends. In March we are paying for her to go on Spring Break but, she is still unhappy. We pay for everything. She doesn't have to work or for that matter do any chores. I know this is wrong and most of you will probably tell me it's our own fault. She is 18 and an adult. If she wants to go, the door is open. However, her father will no longer pay and her car will stay with us. I feel differently. I think if she applied to a 4 year University and applied herself, providing us with her grades, we should continue supporting her until she completes college. Isn't that why we have kids? I don't want to support her all our lives but at least through college. She will party and do things that are irresponsible. But we did too and we learned from our mistakes. I need your advise to this. I think her father (who I live with) is too hard on her.



Thanks

Deborah - posted on 09/12/2010

Can she cook and budget for herself? There is a membership site for college guys learning to cook. It would also be a good idea for girls too. They learn budgeting and responsibility. The membership site is set to launch 9/16/10 sassyfoodgal.com

Sue - posted on 07/05/2010

you obviously did a great job in bring them up, they feel like they can be independent and face the real world with no fears, and if they aren't ready, they will be back for more growing up, just to break your heart again and move out. Be brave and just be there.

Julie - posted on 07/04/2010

My daughter steph is in collage and she wanted to live on her own as well. It's definately hard to realize that they are growing up and want to leave. She lived on campus in an apartment and i was scared i'd never see her. I went over finances and everything i could think of to make sure she was prepared. It may have felt like my baby wanted to leave me but what i gained was so precious. A beautiful,intelligant,capable young woman. I had done all the right things without even realizing it. I taught her everything she needed to know to tackle life on her own. And it wasn't the end of the world, i found out she still needed me. She'd come home on weekends and i'd visit her. She called all the time for advice and just to say i love you mom. The first freshman year i kept a pretty close eye on her. We talked about her bills, her job and so on. If she needed something i helped out as well. There is nothing wrong with helping your kids out. Collage can be stressfull and if she's holding down a job as well? The first year i helped out with money but she also got loans for her dorm room apartment that helped. She'll be fine and if you stay an involved parent it will be easier emotionally as well on both of you. The next year she didn't need as much help. I found that the first year is the hardest. So, my advice is make sure she's prepared, stay involved and give her all the emotional support she needs. She might even realized that she's not ready to "leave the nest" so to speak. I left that option open for steph so she didn't feel pressured into staying at collage on her own. Also that first year we talked about her classes, her grades and so on. It also helped that she chose a collage close to home. It was alot easier to see each other. I hope i was able to help in some way. Good luck and have fun with this!!

Karen - posted on 07/03/2010

It's so common that 18 year olds want to live on their own. However, do go over the finances with her so that she can see how much it's going to cost. Is this a community college she wants to go to, or a four year college with dormitories? If she's willing to work her way through college, a four-year college or university with dormitories or sororities is a great way of seeing what it's like to live on her own yet with resources to help her understand her responsibilities and how to live on her own.

Marj - posted on 06/25/2010

When my daughter was 16 she said she would move out when she was 18. I told her she should have $5000 in the bank before she moved out. She asked why I said SECURITY if something happens you have backup. She got a job saved the $$$ moved out after graduation. She is not 20 and still doing fine. She listened to me and lives within her means of $$, never asks for $$$ or help. I do pay for things occasionally just because. I also will take her shopping for clothes occasionally just because. She respects me and I respect her for what she is doing. College I want her to attend I do believe in her own time she will.... Just like she does everything else. Have faith in your parenting skills and let the child grow up.

Cindy - posted on 06/10/2010

Well, the best thing I can tell you is most colleges require Freshmans to live in a dorm on campus the first year. And that is when they do a lot of growing up and appreciating Home. My daughter is going to Baylor University. Is going to start her second year and will be in an apartment (on campus). So still has school curfues and rules. I love it. Off campus they can do as they please, but on campus rules in SOME colleges are really good. Baylor is one of them. So, try getting her into a college that requires they are in a dorm the first year.
Cindy from Texas

Darci - posted on 06/08/2010

You can't stop them if they are determened, but you can talk to them about their plans. Open communication is the best thing right now. Be sure your child has a relistic view of the expenses of being on their own. My daughter has been on her own for a year now. She works and goes to school full time. It's amazing how responsible they will be when you give them the room to grow! Trust your daughter and yourself to know that you raised her right, and give her room to grow up. She'll still need you with questions about laundry ( or to do her laundry! ) and all the other things she hasn't experienced yet. You'll be amazed at how often she'll still need you!

Dianne M. - posted on 06/08/2010

Tough one...dealt with this on a limited basis with my daughter - at age 18 she went off to do an internship in Florida. Granted, there was SOME supervision, but she was basically on her own.

I'd say have a practical and thorough talk with your daughter. If she is good at handling money, seems to have a good handle on interacting with people safely (no inviting strangers home, keeping doors locked for safety, etc) then give her some space to try this. Keep the lines of communication WAY open - tell her she can call anytime about anything.

I'm guessing that you've probably raised a pretty good young adult and you'll miss her, but what you've taught her will stand her well. If she doesn't have a history of risky or dangerous behavior, it might be a sensitive time for you, but she will learn SO much by doing this.

Prepare her the best you can and leave the lines of communication open. Blessings to you and your family!

Loretta - posted on 06/08/2010

Tough decision. Our daughter moved out after HS graduation to go to college in another city. We paid the 3 months rent and she has managed the rest on her own. She is a good money manger and keeps up with her studies and other responibilities. We made the agreement that if her grades stay up, we pay the car note and insurance. She is still on the family insurance policy. She works on campus and makes enough money to pay other bills (rent, utilties, food, gas, books) Fortuantely tuition is covered with scholarships. Support your daughter's decison and it will be a growing experience for both.

Dr. Peggy - posted on 06/06/2010

I'd like to say again, that if she does move out - or any 18 year old on own - you might want to get a private medical insurance policy on her. We did for my son when he went to grad school and had to cover all his bills on his own. Even at that age, I could see him thinking of things to cut and med. insurance could be one -- or even more like him, just putting off getting a policy until after he made a trip to the emergency room. The reason we did it was, if anything happened to him, my husband and I would bankrupt ourselves to make sure he got the best care. We know this and so, paying the premium was insurance for us, too. For him living in a small town in Montana and with a hospital rider, it was $525 each six months. For my daughter for much the same reasons, it is $168 a month in Austin, Texas. (He did get the emergency room at least three times in the two years he had his policy. He pays the premiums on his own now.)

Betty - posted on 06/06/2010

my daughter moved out when she was 18 to another city, the city of where she was going to college. it was rough for her at first because she did not know anyone. she made friends with the people she worked with, when she started college, she made more friends. She did well in her first year away from home, yes she did miss me and the rest of her family and friends. she did well while she was there, managed to pay for her rent on time and get groceries. I had to help her a little for money to buy food since college is so expensive.

Erin - posted on 06/05/2010

I would certainly point out, and stick to it, btw. that she is on her own. That means not paying for her stuff. If she wants to be on her own, that means no financial support from you! It could be a very good experience for her. Be there with emotional support, but remember that paying the bills for her will not help her grow up in any way.

TAMMY - posted on 06/01/2010

My daughter moved out when she turned 18.I thought I was gonna die.She quit school in the 12th gr. it broke my heart to see her going down hill fast over a boy.I found out she got pregnant and told her in no uncertain terms she was moving back home and going back to school.I pointed out to her the path she was taking was not the right one and she had 3 months to make up a whole years worth of work.She graduated with her class.It was a proud moment for me.And is now in college.She is living with her boyfriend, but I think they love to hate each other and I have pointed out it's not good for the baby who is 8 months old now and survived a trailor fire at 3 months.She will be moving home as soon as I can get her a bed and vehicle to drive to school.Which is unfortunately the only reason she is with him.So my suggestion is this.Honesty is the best policy!!! Just tell her your fears and thoughts and see how she responds.Hopefully the two of you are as close aas me and mine.God bless and I hope it works out for you.God has surly answered my prayers.

Ruth - posted on 05/29/2010

One of my daughters moved out when she was 18 against my husband's and my wishes, but legally she was an adult and there was nothing we could do about it. After nine months in the "school of hard knocks" paying rent, utilities, etc., she wanted to move back home. She matured a lot in those months and didn't move out again until she got married at 23. I'm so proud of how responsible and mature she is now.

Dr. Peggy - posted on 05/26/2010

Make sure you sit down with her and run the finances. Can she afford to move out? If she wants to be an adult, can she afford it? That means car payments, insurance payments, rent, utilities, food, school fees & supplies, internet and cell phone bills, entertainment, and then clothes. (You might want to keep the medical insurance going whatever.) Be very adult about this and get that calculator running.
AND this question is one of the reason most 4 year colleges have college dorms that are filled each fall. There the kids are on their own and out of the house, but still in a situation that has supports for them.

Heidi - posted on 05/26/2010

Well, she is 18 and there is really nothing you can do. It is really time for her to get out there and be on her own. It is not easy as parents to let them go, but that is what we are suppose to be. I have a 20 and 18 year old that both moved out at 18 and they are doing great!!! It is harder for us as parents I think to let them go. You just have to know that you did your job as a mother well and watch them grow, and help pick them up when they fall:)