20 yr old College Daughter Dating a Loser!

Jamie - posted on 04/03/2013 ( 3 moms have responded )

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Hello all:

I hope I can get some advise regarding my problem. My oldest daughter, 20 yrs old, has always been a straight A student who graduated HS with honors. She got a very good scholarship to attend a private school and we provided the rest. It is a stretch for our family but we made the commitment as long as she keeps a 3.0 and make school her priority. We have always been very close and our family is very tight nit. She did very well on her first year. Fast forward now end of sophomore year. She met this boy in school last summer from her school, 20 yrs old. who smokes weed all day, takes just the bare minimum of classes and doesn't hold a job on campus. This is her first boyfriend ever. My daughter takes a full load and work 20 hrs a week for her little expenses. She started changing once she started dating him. On a break, he came to our house and the guy seemed nice. He talks a big game and acts nice but my daughter had already told me some very worrying facts about him before she started dating. Well she came back 20 pounds heavier on the fall in just 2 months. she definitely had signs of smoking weed (physical and emotional). her grades slipped to a 2.8. I spoke to her in all kinds of way of the sacrifices we are making for her. that this is not a party or a vacation. They broke up in December and he kept calling and telling her that if she hang up the phone he was going to hurt himself, she took him back!!!! He calls her all the time and needs to know what she is doing at all moments. He manipulates: "I can function without you" "I don't deserve you" This semester, she pledge a sorority. I thought that was going to put some distance between them and she could concentrate on her classes. No luck! She lost all the weight through the process and he told her that if she loses anymore that he wont find her attractive anymore!! Now they are closer than ever, her roommate told me that he basically lives in her room and that she has to wait up for him at all hours from when he comes drunk or high. Because he has so much time in his hands, he is always around her and basically she is not mature enough to place parameters for that relationship. Basically the few classes she has are all D's and C's and she has missed classes and work days to stay in with him. She has recognized that she is not on a healthy relationship but she loves him and he said that he is going to change.
I gave her an ultimatum with love: if by the end of she doesn't do at least B- she is going to have to take a leave of absence and take some classes at our local school during the fall. Her scholarship through my job will only pay for the remaining 4 semesters but I don't want to misuse them with her just coasting by plus all the money we pay cash. She understood. She mentioned to her BF in front of me that her visit home was great and eye opening and his response was that I was brain washing her! When she is home she is the same person I raised, once she arrives on campus. We hardly communicate. She agreed to study to get better grades. On her first night back, I was informed that he was living there mooching off, smoking the day away...wasting her time..all the while she had a test the next afternoon. Bottom line: She is not going to be able to do what she needs to because she is not strong enough to recognize that the reason why she is not doing well is because she is with this loser. Her self esteem is low and she told me that she knows she is not the same person (duh!!). I have tried to make it about her academics and not mention the guy (she knows that I don't think he is right for her). None of her girlfriends have this problem. They are all happy living the college life. This kid spends her days isolated in her room smoking with this person. My husband and I gave her the world and made it possible so she can do this. She has so much potential and is so smart that hurts to see her waste her scholarship money away. I even have offered therapy. This was once an A student and these days C's are the norm. I am ready to pull the plug and ask her to come home and refresh her mind.

Any insight would be greatly appreciated. Im desperate!

thank you!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Reality - posted on 07/05/2017

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Where is your daughters Father?

This happened to my daughter last year...my husband and a couple of his friends took my daughters loser boyfriend for a long ride and dropped him off 100 miles from home with a very stern warning to never contact our daughter again or else...

So far so good. It took all of two weeks for my daughter to clean up and get back on track and she hasn't mentioned him yet.

God Bless and good luck.

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Mary - posted on 09/05/2017

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I feel for you. If she is in a dorm, is there a visitor policy ? Could you call the school to inform them that there is someone in the room overstaying the welcome ?

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