Melissa - posted on 08/11/2012 ( 1 mom has responded )
I had my daughter when I was 16 so I never went thru any of this. becoming a mother at 16 threw me into growing up quick. Her Father has been out of the picture since she was 2 and has rarely paid support. last count he owed 52,000$ wow! It has not been easy for either of us. I am so proud of my daughter for her accomplishments and proud of myself for raising her and never letting us become a statistic. She graduated highschool in June with 4 years of Japanese as her foreign language and was the president of her japanese class and club.....big weight off my shoulders as school was not that important to her (besides japanese and art which she always got A's and B's)
5th grade is about the time it started. She would have 3 hours of homework! Finally after 2 weeks of this I called her teacher to find out the reason a 5th grader has 3 hours of homework every night and was surprised to find out that it was because my daughter chose to do other things in class...draw and read. So all thru middle school I had to always be in touch with teachers to see when assignments were given and due and make sure she handed in her assignments. I continued to hold her hand during her Freshman year in highschool reminding her that now her grades really mattered and for her to get good grades so she could have things now and in her adult future. She had a cell phone for 3 weeks and lost it due to grades being bad. I also reminded her that if she didnt get at least a C average on her important classes she would not be getting her license. By the middle of Her sophmore year I was DONE! whenever I brought up school or homework it was world war 3 at our house. No more nagging no more questions. if she wanted her license and other things important to a teen she would do her schoolwork. So amazing to me how when she even just tried a little she would get A's and B's!
Fast Forward through summer school every year due to failing grades and now she was a SENIOR! It seemed overnight she finally got it and understood! from september until February she was getting all a's! She knew her japanese teacher was planning a class trip to japan and really really wanted to go. I always told her I would do anything (within reason) for her if all she did was get good grades! I even offered her 50 a week for 6 weeks to just hand in all her assignments due...I never even said they had to be good grades...just for her to hand them in. She never got even 1 penny because she just didnt turn stuff in or care to do her homework.
Her good grades earned her a trip to Japan and a 2000$ deposit was required. I put a deposit down in February knowing she would keep her grades up. By April she was failing nearly everything and I warned her that May was coming soon and I was not going to pay the balance of 1800$ when she was failing. (3800 is no small cookies to me..I am a hairdresser and thank God every day for my wonderful new husband and wonderful clientelle who helped make this trip of a lifetime possible for my daughter).
I had to call her Japanese teacher and tell her that my daughter was at this time not going.. thats when my daughter realized i could seriously still take this trip away! with 2 weeks left to graduate and my hand holding she did it! She passed everything and in 2 weeks brought F grades up to even c+!
Graduation and Japan! she was proud and excited! I hoped this trip would bring on an epiphany...something to motivate her to grow up and want things for herself.
It didnt.... she came home and became her old self even after the jet lag wore off. no ambition besides Anime Convention costume ideas and planting herself on the couch. me nagging for housework help. coming home to more of a mess than it was before i left for work. Just her attitude towards me and total lack of any respect was enough to suck the life out of me. The other part to this was Right after i got married she cut her beautiful hair off! and then half way thru her senior year she told me she was in love with a girl and that she wanted a sex change! wow! this is not an overnight thing you just decide to do and be...its something a person is born with and feels the opposite sex their whole life. in fasct just before my wedding Last September she liked boys! obviously there is alot more to this whole story but since i met my husband she seemed to try to push my buttons all the time...when nothing else worked she did this and it caught my attention. She really got into it and started stealing my husbands clothes and binding her breasts. I tried to not let this bother me...but i cant help it, it does. Over the last year I have lost many many clients. im not passionate about my job anymore. have not been taking care of myself or much else for that matter. i concentrated on getting her graduated and (trying to) ignoring her dressing more and more boyish. All the while not realizing the effect she was having on my whole life.
Finally, after having a week off of work due to no clients I realized that my stresses and my poor attitude and instant crabbyness with everthing and everyone was mostly to do with her. Highly UNmotivated, disrespectful, attitude with me and now also my new husband (which she really does like him and they get aong well)
I needed some space....a week and a half after she returned from Japan I took her to stay with my mom 4 hours away so my husband and I could take some time together for ourselves. He and i have had a rough year with his job change and an abusive boss and my daughter with school and this new thing shes going through. I told her She will always be my daughter but if I dont concentrate on my career and marriage I will quickly lose both.
My mom wanted her to stay longer so she has and it looked like it was going to be a more permanent thing.. there is a tech school with a few courses she was kind of interested in just 2 blocks from my moms!....Well now it turns out that my daughter has been doing the same things at my moms that she did here and now my mom has been emotionally bankrupt by my daughter also....She wants to come home and says I HAVE to go get her cuz "grandma is driving me freaking crazy and im stuck all damn day in this hot house" My mom calling me before im supposed to work to unload this heap of drama that I have to digest an hour before work....my mom will drive her home, no, wait, halfway...not even that, my mom has no energy left for my daughter to even get her to a greyhound. my daughter telling me she needs to come home NOW!
...I dont want her to come home...im finally for the first time in a year, feeling better about my life, caring about how i look, how my house looks, my clients and my career. im doing things that i need to do. things i was too emotionally tired to do before. My husband and i finally got to take a minimoon and are getting to know and appreciate each other again. things have really been turning around. and now this...her coming home. Im scared to death. things will be exactly the same and i cant do that anymore. I need to think about my life too. she doesnt even care to look into school here and gives a feeble attempt at finding a job. i cant help someone who has no motivation if i cant even help myself. I had her soooo young I never got a chance to figure it all out for myself.
I think she should go into the Airforce. it would straiten her out and give her life structure. she would have everything she needed, a roof over her head, food, clothing, medical and dental, good pay and not only do they pay for school, they have school for you to go to....great education in many areas AND they pay you while you are in school.
All i know is that right now she cannot come back. I need to get back on my feet and think of my future as well. I cannot have my mother calling me every week telling me my daughter cant stay there and needs to come home and then the next day tells me she doesnt want my daughter to leave. then my mom enables my daughters behavior by saying airforce would be too tough on her and she worries about her even coming home for fear of me kicking her out with no place to go... my mother even says she thinks its a bad idea for my daughter to take a bus back here..."its not safe" she says.
obviously my mothers house is not the best place for my daughter right now either if i want her to grow up...but i will take it for now untill i catch my breath and can have time to figure something out.
i really think i cant have her home, not even fpor a short time, she will take that and weasle her way back into her old lifestyle. she has not changed and just letting her back here is enabling her. i cant go back to that dark place i fell into....what do i do? i deserve to have a life too.....if i dont do this now, i wont have a place for her to come to if and when she really does NEED to.