Can't stand daughters

Anna - posted on 02/10/2010 ( 32 moms have responded )

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My 21 year old (college student) daughter just started RE-DATING a young man that I absolutely, positively CAN NOT STAND. She's known him for 5 years, he was her first "real" crush and they dated for about a week. He dumped her at that point for another girl they knew and he's been in and out of the relationship with this girl constantly over the last 5 years. Every time he'd "break up" with this girl, he'd be calling my daughter...then he'd go right back to the other one. I've had to pick up the emotional peices everytime.



Well, now he claims that it is really and truly over for him and this other girl....and he wants to be with MY daughter; and my daughter is accepting him back with open arms.



Here's more of the story, though. My daughter is a severe diabetic and has nearly died on more than one occasion, the most recent being in Oct. 2009 (she had a diabetic reaction, H1N1 and pnuemonia) - she was in the hospital for 2 weeks in isolation, and on a ventilator for 3 of those days. Well, during one time that she was in the hospital and near to death (in ICU for 2 weeks), he was "allegedly" her boyfriend. He never once came to see her or called her....he sent text's asking if she was still in there.



I decided to call and tell him that I felt it was his place to come to the hospital...if he truly WAS her "boyfriend"....that didn't go very well. I was only able to leave him a message on his voicemail.



Needless to say, the next day, he DID call my daughter...in the hospital...and told her to give her mother (me) a message. The message was "tell your G** damn mother to mind her own F***ing business and that she can go to F***ing hell!"



Can you see why I can't stand this guy???? They broke up at that point. She defended me...to a certain extent...but ended up getting back to being friends again a few months later.



He doesn't have a job, he doesn't go to school, it rude and disrespectful to ME and to her, really.



My daughter knows how I feel about him, she knows that he is NOT welcome anywhere near my house of my family.



I love my daughter, but I don't know how to handle the situation. Part of me wants to tell her she's on her own, no more handouts (she lost her job, I've been paying for her food and a few of her bills) and don't come around here if you're with him.



The other part of me loves her and wants her in my life, she's my oldest of 4 daughters



But I'm at my wits end...between almost losing her to diabetes and now watching her make relationship mistakes....I don't know what to do.

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Olga - posted on 02/21/2010

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It is so hard to see our daughters rebel like this, when we know the one getting hurt the most from these bad relationships are our daughters.

Mine was with a young man that never had a kind word to say about anyone, never had a job for more than a few weeks, well we all know the stories. I argued with her banned him from seeing her. That certainly didn't work. She became pregnant with his child I then realized he was was in our lives forever whether we liked it or not. I hugged him, never said another unlkind word about him, invited him tio everything with the rest of the family. It didn't take long for her to start seeing things when she no longer had to defend him. I wished I had learned that lesson early on. Best of Luck.

Melanie - posted on 02/17/2010

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Not at all you have been betrayed and by someone you love a great deal. Unfortunately she doesn't understand. I'm sure you have tried to talk with her but make sure you tell her calmly how you feel. How you feel betrayed and don't make it about the boy because again at this point it is not about him it is about you and your daughter's relationship. Start rebuilding that relationship and hopefully she will come around and see what an idiot he is. If it was me I would not even talk to my daughter about the guy at all.

Melanie - posted on 02/13/2010

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Keep loving her I dont have any experience with my daughter in this but I made up my mind a long time ago that there is not a guy in this world that is worth me not being around my daughter. No matter what you do bad or good it is going to be her decision and she will continue choosing him until she get tired of being taken advantage of. Once thing I have always done with my daught is to point out how good my husband (her dad) had treated me. My husband and I both have always told her she is precious and therefore she has grown up secure in herself and she has not gone looking for a relationship to make herself feel like she matters.

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Francine - posted on 07/11/2012

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I have a soon to be 23 year old daughter daughter that left home 2 weeks ago on bad terms with her boyfriend that I don't care for very much either. He also broke her heart a few years ago and didn't want to speak to her ever again. Now he's back using her for her money and she doesn't see that no matter how much I couldn't help myself but to say something. But now she's gone. I love my daugher very much I love all my daughers very much. If I could do it all over again with my middle child I would have been more of a listening ear to her. I know it hurts but thats what you need to do. Your daughter has to figure this out for herself. Sometimes they need to fall even if it's hard before they can get back up. I know this is where my daughter is at right now. One day I pray that she gets it. The more that you show your daughter you hate her boyfriend the more your going to push them closer together. My middle child told me that once before she left. Know that you did everything you could for your daughter and now you just have to stand back and watch. Her life is in gods hands. Just pray for her. She will get it

Sarah - posted on 05/19/2010

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I agree I have a daughter who is twenty and she has her ups and downs but for the
boyfriend part I would that they should lead their own life in that the choices they
make will come back to bite them later. Just be there and keep and open mind about
the situation and a listening ear so that she will know you care and will help if
she need the help you will be ready to give it. This comes from not getting involved
unless the situation warrents it I have three kids and believe me It does work she
will come to you when she really needs you so please just hamg in there,

Linda - posted on 04/21/2010

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Anna, Our babies! We just want someone to love them like we do! Someone told me to pray for my daughters future husband. I remember to do that sometimes. My mother never really liked my husband, my father didn't say anything bad about him and was always friendly with him. My mother was always so self righteous around my husband (boyfriend at the time) He was just not good enough for her baby girl. It is true she did not like our life style and I was just having a good time. Thank goodness I grew up. But we did have our party times, and our troubled times but love will endure all things. Well turns out 25 years later I am still trying to fix him. But I know he loves me and wants the best for me most of the time. We teach people how to treat us, I am still learning this and how I want to be treated. More importantly how I should treat others to make them fill loved and o.k. just the way they are. I am not the judge. You still have 4 daughters still at home. They are watching carefully. Many girls choose the bad boys and want to fix them. It is not the easy or perfered choice though I'm sure self esteem has something to do with it and self confidence is learned over time by being loved and succeeding at something. My father worked long hours and was tired and mad most the time I'm sure my mother having 10 children made things extra hard. So giving me extra encouragement was not a regular thing. I hope to let my girls know they are O.K. and loved and deserve to be treated well. I can only pray and study the word to guide me to be the best mom I can be. I want to teach them to know God so he can be with them when I can not. Parenting is never over it seems but once they walk out the door only LOVE will want them to come back to visit and how we do want them to come visit. Remember the power of prayer. sorry for the long note.. I would just not be able to twitter...Linda

Daphne - posted on 04/13/2010

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pretend that he's the best thing since apple pie. when he calls always insist on talking to him and tell him how much you love him, when he's around hug his like a son, if he really is a piece of s--- she already knows it. eventually she'll want you to know it too. My 21yr old daughter is very rebellous, if she thinks i don.t like them, she will take up for them. i've gotten rid of quite a few this way.Girls always want to think they know better than their moms, however at the same time let him see your crazy side, so he'll realize that maybe he has the wrong girl to screw over or disrepect. Keep your enemys
Close,that way you'll aalways be on top of the game..if nothing else works invite some local gang bangers to come over when he visits. RENT A GANG BANGER

Terri - posted on 04/12/2010

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you have to let her make the mistakes, yes he is an ass or any other colorful word , but till she learns it all on her own it really wont matter what you think, it is so hard to try to be your own person without our mom's- try to think back when you were that age, and with the diabete's she knows how short life can be and she may want so much to live it all before the it takes her, be supportive but step back once you give your thoughts and then you have to just wait it out. She will be needing your shoulder soon enough and no i told you!

CheeChee - posted on 04/07/2010

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I feel as though I am in your shoes. But. from past experiences and mistakes, it is important to put your foot down about his being around your home. Support your daughter more than you have ever done before. Sometimes it is better to keep quiet and be supportive than to fuss and fight. They tend to go deeper into the situation when you try to give them sound advice. Continue to give advice when warranted and be supportive. I understand that it is one of the hardest things to see your daughter make these errors with this guy who you know doesn't deserve her attention, let alone her love. This advice has helped me in the past and before you realize it, she will be sharing things with you that she didn't share before. That is when you pray and talk to her using examples of what you might have experienced or see in others. Keep me posted as to how it goes!

Barbara - posted on 04/05/2010

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You do run the risk of her chosing him over you, knowing full well, you'll have to pick up the pieces yet again. Since she is living with you, I do feel you can be a bit more firm and just sit down with her, acknowledge she's a big girl and can make her own decisions, but its time to have an "adult" conversation and express your concerns citing the history that she has been through with this guy. If she doesn't have a lot of friends, then its hard cause she see's him as one of her only friends as well. Been there myself with my girls, and its really hard. The last thing she needs is "I told you so" if and when this falls apart, sometimes just having said what you need to without drama, but treating her as an adult and just then leaving the room gives her a lot more to think about. Treat her as a child, and she'll continue to behave like one. Good luck with this! Its REALLY hard to watch them make "silly" choices.... hang in there!

Dawn - posted on 04/03/2010

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I agree with Kathi the more you rag on him the more you'll push towards him. My daughter has been going with her boyfriend since dec 2001. He's been in and out of jail. Now they have a son together who is 5. I stop trying to break them up. I dont't say anything bad about him infront of my grandson.

Kathi - posted on 04/03/2010

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Whatever you do, don't rag about him or even say much. The more you make a deal about him, the more she will go for him. It's an ugly paradox. Believe me, I was the daughter. Then I was the mother of the dAughter. I learned that they will tire of the jerk on their own without your help. And if God forbid, they tell you he's the one, just remember, you don't have to like him. Just tollerate him. As long as he's not abusive to her, it's her life. It's hard to hear that, but we have to let them go.

Charla - posted on 04/01/2010

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Hun,please hear me out...I am right where you are. Only I have two daughters doing the same. I think at times,that I may lose my mind,But with Jesus,I can do all things. I don't mean to preach hun,But I understand how very hard this is for you. I have a daughter,who lived here with us,she was just over 23,and still pure.Her and her FG ran into these two guys and the one she liked perfered her FG, as for me not a good start. But he took away her virtue,and 2 months later,she became pregnant. He was here to go to school,as soon as he finished his school,his parents came down and moved them and my first Grandson,who was 4 weeks old were gone.So I lost them both. This has been tearing me apart for so log, that I am building a even stronger walk with the Lord to get through this.Her BF,is a lazy guy,in whom his mama and daddy spoiled rotten,and here she is working 2 jobs and only gets to see her baby who is one year old now,and his mama is raising my grandson as her own child.While the BF works one part time job.They are so in control of this child,that her BF mama is flying to AZ from TX,where my daughter and her BF live and with her,,with my grandson who is only one. My daughter only let him go as he was to spend what started out to b e 3 days and then 2 days,to the point that she wanted to be here,(sleep on the couch).My Husband said why not have the Police and Child protective come too! I am deeply hurt,and So with this,I have a 20 year old daughter who is doing the same thing.Only no children(yet) but living with a control freak BF and his parents as well. So your NOT alone in this hun. I don't like eaither one of there BF! I feel something very evel about them. so lets pray for one another,that God will give us a peace and take control over this whole mess we are going through.God does help. So in the end, I said No,that we would have to see our grandson at some other time or year. My health is failing and I was just on life support about 7 months ago,so it only adds to my heart break of will I still be here in Time to enjoy my grandson at all. Take care,and hey! Lets let go and let God! ((HUGS))

Erin - posted on 04/01/2010

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I told my daughter that I will love any man that is good to her and treats her with respect, the way I want to be treated. No matter what it will be a power struggle. Open arms are better then slamming doors. I love my daughter and hate to see her in heartbreak. I want her to know I am there when she needs me. Believe me ladies, they will need you. Pray for them.

T.K. - posted on 04/01/2010

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Hello Mom, I have been there...I ask that you explain to her about what you want her to value in her relationship. Is it a friendship; or is she seeking a lasting relationship? without getting upset. Maybe at dinner at a resturant. Tell her the differants in the two. Explain what she should look for in each. Trust her. Leave it alone after that. The more you talk about it the more she will do what you dont want. Then continue to apply the "Secret" go online and read about what that is! If you believe it will work! I say try it and see what could you lose! Bless you Mom and continue to believe answers are right before you!

Sherri - posted on 03/28/2010

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I too have a 21 year old who keeps going back & forth to the same guy, or should I say, idiot. He thinks he a gift, alwys correcting her. She has told him that she wants him to respect her and her family or that is it. She has called it off twice, but still seems to go back. She says that she loves him and that nobody understands that. I am there for her whenever she needs me and I have tried NOT to be as negative as he is. I am also looking for someone for her,without telling her, or she tell me not to interfere. I keep looking at what she has told me she wants in a guy and use that as my guideline. I have been fortunate so far with finding my 2 boys their perfect mates and maybe with God's help, I will find one for her or he will come into her life when she least expects him without my help.

Alisa - posted on 03/28/2010

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I'm sorry this has happened - to both of you. Remember the saying of keep you friends close and your enemies closer? You might want to start by explaining to your daughter (again) how much you love her and want only the best for her. Add to that, obviously she must see another side of him that you have not been fortunate enough to encounter. Try telling her you might have been mistaken, and would love to start over with her in this relationship. Maybe, being an ally with her as she tries with this guy again you will have the opportunity to gently guide her to seeing what you really see. You may have to "grin and bear it" when you encounter the boyfriend for him to believe you are interested in really accepting him, too. You don't have to like him - just make them both think you are willing to try. With the strength and support your daughter feels from a loving family, maybe she will come to see how he treats her is a glaring opposite of what she deserves. Best of luck to both of you - this is every mom's nightmare.....

Kathy - posted on 03/27/2010

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I don't think you should forbid him from being around your house. I think you should welcome him. Basically kill him w/kindness. Allow your daughter to see that you're bending over backwards to TRY to accept him since she "loves" him. Have her make a list of his pros & cons. Our older daughter has had an on again off again relationship w/her boyfriend for the last 8 years. Hopefully it's finally off this time. I agree w/a lot of what Anne W. says. Our daughters were raised not to live w/a guy unless you're married & both of them moved in w/their boyfriends (the younger one is engaged now).

Jeanne - posted on 03/27/2010

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Took the hardline with my daughter, she was younger. She chose him. Three years later she changed her mind. I don't know what I would do if I had it to do over again. I'm glad that it is over between them, and seriously he was so horrid that I would still have to refuse to expose my younger daughters. Who all regarded her relationship a lesson in what not to date. You want to stay firm on he doesn't come to your house, attack the behavior and not the man (I couldn't stay in those boundaries, he wasn't a man, he was a monster pretending to be a man--I couldn't call him another animal, there isn't an animal that awful.) Otherwise, ignore him, encourage your daughter in the positive aspects of her life. Boosting her self-esteem anyway you can, will probably do more to end the relationship than anything else. But as mothers, we sadly, do not have the power to override free will in our adult children.

Nicole (Nikkie) - posted on 03/27/2010

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Here is a piece of advice for you mom, I am a mother of a 21 year old daughter whom had a boyfriend I could not stand either, but the more you speak against him to your daughter the more she is going to keep running right back to him. Trust in the way that you raised her, eventually she will see things for the way they really are between him & her and will come to the conclusion on her own that he is not the right person for her. As parents it hurts us to watch our children go through trials and tribulations in a relationship with someone they care about, but if they don't how will they ever learn what is right and what is wrong. I was like you constantly pointing out the negatives in my daughters relationship with her boyfriend, after I had left the situation alone she started to see things clearly for herself and eventually left him. Give her advice only when she asks for it and let her know that you will always be there for her when she needs you, but you have to let her go and make the decision for herself. We cannot choose our childrens boyfriends, lovers or friends for them regardless to how much we know that this may not be the person that they need to involve themselves with. She's only 21 and even though that is considered to be an adult they still are in the learning process of things so back up mom and let her experience and let her learn. If you press too hard you're only pushing her further away from you and closer to him. Just remember the phase we learn from our mistakes. She will be ok and if she doesn't then thats her choice as well its her life you have to let her live it. Right now she is probably feeling like your treating her like a baby, she's at the think she knows it all stage. and the BUT I LOVE HIM YOU DON'T KNOW HIM LIKE I DO yadda yadda yadda we all been there and because she feels like you're treating her like a baby she'll be vendictive and be with him just to spite you so leave it alone. Every self respecting person eventually gets tired of being treated like garbage and throws out the trash.

Colleen - posted on 03/27/2010

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I guess I'm a late responder...but I have three daughters all adults now, and what I've learned is that in order for them to make quality decisions in life as to great choices, not only in men, but in all things they do, they need to know that they have a soft place to fall. That you are backing them, have confidence in their decision making. Therefore have confidence in them, it only serves to breed self esteem. Like Pamela has indicated above, your daughter needs to feel that she is "worthy" of the best that the world has to offer her. She shouldn't be settling for second best or worse; yesterday's breakfast or leftovers. So many young women compromise their own integrity these days without even realizing it in order to "fit" in. They become involved in covert abusive siutations (which essentially is hidden abuse from the rest of the world) think about that first and foremost, there are thousands of young women who get caught up in these types of vicious circle-type relationships and it's so difficult for them to get out of them.





Help her see her own worth. Love her. Treat her with much respect and it will come back to you. I wish you all the peace and tranquility through this situation. I know it's difficult. I wish you and your daughter the best.

Wendy - posted on 03/26/2010

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I wish I could offer you some words of wisdom, but I'm in much the same spot myself. My daughter is younger than yours and has been through only the first break-up/get back together but also has a serious medical issue that needs attention. We are relatively rational parents I think (and kids friends have assured us we are) and tried to understand what she liked about this homeless, lazy, lying boy with no education, a rocky relationship with Alcoholics Anonymous and gang delusions (she graduated in top of class, involved in numerous school activities, sports and worked in professional field plus greatly values college). We explained that we were particularly concerned with the drastic change we saw in her behavior (quit job, activities, spending time with family). We even thought perhaps she was on drugs but have found no evidence. We argued with her briefly when we refused to believe his lies and she refused to believe in us when we said we wanted to try working things out with her but were not willing to support her living with him and spending her life on video games. She no longer talks to us much except on Facebook.

I say all this to say we've tried several approaches in a very short time. We tried reason; we tried banning him from the house when it was clear he was a thief but still making movie dates with her after she angrily moved out to let her know we still love her; and we tried just letting her go her own way when she deliberately goaded us for a negative reaction. We had complications in that my parents were reinforcing her beliefs that we (my husband and I) were in the wrong.

In the end, I don't think there are any solutions that we can offer. You have to hope, as I do and as all the mothers here must, that your daughter will realize how unacceptable her boyfriend's treatment of her really is. You have to believe in your daughter's intelligence, self-respect and will for self-preservation. Of course you feel betrayed because you have been - you've spent a lifetime caring about her and trying to give her all your best tools for survival and she is ignoring most of them. It's okay to feel those feelings, it's okay to acknowledge them, just don't let them get in the way of doing what you actually can for your daughter.

I do think it's a mistake to be paying her bills for her. It sends the message that she is still under someone else's care and thus it is someone else's responsibility to save her from her more unpleasant situations even though she has put herself there. She needs to realize that the only one that can truly make her life better is herself and the sooner she gets started, the sooner it will improve. The best way I can think of to do that is to force her to actually start caring for herself by paying her own way. I can't say whether this works or not, though, because my parents interfered here, too, and are now paying my daughter's way through this semester. Even they have finally realized the truth of my daughter's attitude, though, and are telling her she needs to make her own arrangements for summer and beyond. The withdrawal of support maybe should not extend to health care insurance as your daughter may need immediate medical assistance again in the future and you would not want that left to chance.

You cannot choose your daughter's actions and you cannot force her to actually care about herself enough to seek something better, but you can let her know that there's another path open to her. Not by waving it in her face all the time which will make her reject it or by pointing out how her way is doomed to failure regardless of what she does which will undermine any confidence she does have in herself, but by encouraging her in the things you can support and ignoring or refusing comment on what you can't to the greatest degree you can muster. Again, I can't say this works as my daughter still only speaks to me on Facebook, but some of her friends have contacted me to tell me that she's starting to see things clearer and she is talking to me some. She knows she can call anytime, but she also knows we're not going to support an unsustainable lifestyle for her. We don't have to discuss it because it's something she's grown up with - when she wants to change her path, she knows the phone number. The basic strategy worked when she was a child, I'm hoping it will work again this summer when other support is finally withdrawn. Ultimately, your daughter knows you will be there for her, she just needs to reassess who's responsibility it is now to look after her personal welfare.

More than anything, you are not alone. That's what I learned when my daughter broke my heart and I thought I was going to go insane. The women who talked me through it had been there before. Some were still in the middle of it. It helped to cry on others' shoulders, let the hurt out, let the rage out and let the despair out. They encouraged me to keep a journal so my feelings didn't get bottled up inside and they suggested I write letters to my daughter full of all the things I wanted to say and then erase them or just save them with no intent of giving them to her so that I could more fully focus on the positive things she was doing. They taught me there is always hope, there is always someone out there and there is always love. Believe in that and you will survive. My thoughts are with you and your daughter, hoping that someday all daughters will learn to value themselves as much as those who love them do.

[deleted account]

I'm so sorry to hear your pain. Hug and love your daughter and forget about the boyfriend. She needs you, she will have to learn the hard way about men. Hopefully she will start feeling better about herself and find someone more suitable, but it will have to be on her own terms. I don't understand the part about paying for her food and bills, she must be living my her own and going to school.If I were you I would help her if I could, as long as she's going to school. You don't have to be a friend to the boy or let him come to your home, but I wouldn't even speak of him to your daughter unless she asks you. Then be honest but not cruel. That would not help. Good Luck, I hope she turns around quick.

[deleted account]

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do. Our kids have to learn on their own, which is so very unfortunate. I have always believed it was easier raising our kids when they were under their teens than when they get older. It is harder when they are over eighteen. There is absolutely nothing we can do about anything.

Tina - posted on 02/23/2010

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What I do with my daughters (24 & 19) is let it go because the more you try to get them away the more they want them. So I wait until they tell me something that is a irratant about the boyfriend and then I just casually bring that into the conversation. and the more they think about the more it irriatates them. It has worked with about 3 of her boyfriends, were she actually tells her boyfriends that If I dont like them she cant date them.

Pamela Yvett - posted on 02/22/2010

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Wow, you have your hands full. It sounds like you daughter is suffering from a bad case of low self esteem. Does she have a healthy relationship with her dad? Maybe you can suggest counseling for your daughter. Your daughter needs to feel that she is worthy of the best and should know that she only deserves the best.

Carolyn - posted on 02/20/2010

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I do not have that problem with my daughter. I understand that you may feel like no one can protect her better than you (under her condition and all). But, I do think you need to let go a bit. She sounds like a likable girl, whom just may fall under the category of she needs to help someone when they are down. If she seems to keep taking him back after he breaks up with someone else. She may need a little help with her confidence level. If you are over her so much because of her condition. She may need a true reality check on what she can handle on her own and what she really needs help with. It sounds like you have most of the issues here. Your daughter obviously does not mind being the second choice and treated like trash when he throws her away for someone else. The boy seems to have no trouble or respect for anyone including himself, when he calls you names and has your daughter believing in him more than her own family believes in her. It makes me wonder. You can not live for your daughter, but you can be there for her in her good times and bad. She is going to get her heart broke more than once and yes you will be the one to pick up the pieces each time. But, you can not make choices for her relationships and heart breaking as it may be, you have to teach her how to stand up for herself not just pick her up when she falls. Or tell her she is making a wrong choice, when she is going to pick it no matter what you say. She has to fall before you can catch her. If you try to stop her before, you may loose her in a way you can never get her back. I ask that you think of your words to say to her before you say them. Be objective to her view, I did not say agree but at least hear her reason or side before you judge. I do agree with you not allowing him in your home or property if he is not going to respect you. You may not like him disrespecting your daughter, again her choice. If she can not see how his offensive words toward you hurt you. She needs a little tough love, that means no help, contact, paying her bills, helping her when she is with him or he wants to be with her and bash you. That's where you do not have to listen to her or him. Let her go and see how far she gets without anything from you. I am sorry that you feel he has come between the two of you. I feel she is trying to stand on her own and is so afraid to be alone. That she is willing to be with him at any cost, even if it means loosing you. You can love her and not be able to live for her. You will always care and love her, you are her parent. That's what parents do, sometimes we just do not know when to let go? Please do not let him destroy you in this process of his to abuse you, even if it's just words now. It will probably get worse for your daughter if you do not defuse it now. I hope nothing happens to make your daughter worse, in her relationship with you or her health. God Bless be strong and have faith.

Mairlyn - posted on 02/20/2010

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hand her a list why you don't like him IN WRITING and ask her to give you a list as to why she likes him. then ask her to compare the lists and see if the good outway the bad. sometimes they just need to see it to believe it. Your mom and well WHAT DO YOU KNOW. We can only guide them through life and hope that they make the right choices. As with all parenting give them the tools to make proper decisions. I hope it works for you.

Julie - posted on 02/19/2010

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Hi Anna I just want to say to you, you must let your daughter know that you love her no matter what and you will always be there for her in her times of need. However you must also let her know that it hurts you to see her being mistreated and dont understand how she can disrespect herself so. She needs to make her own mistakes but if he is abusing her then report him to the police. Good luck

Trina - posted on 02/17/2010

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I feel you..I have 6 daughters 2 of them was married, it was insecurity and low self-esteem that led them make a big life changing step. They definite need they're father around, however, I was not longer with him. A few years, later I married, He taken care of them until they move out..however, he did not know to give show them a way a real man should treat them. So they thought they can change their husbands, but it didn't work, both are divorce and they learn alot and their are still learning how to deal with men. I don't know how spiritual you are..but I put the Word of God on all my children and family. That's the only way I can have peace..I put my confidence in the Father and in Jesus' name. You are in a spiritual warfare..I would speak what God want me to speak over your daughter..I could go on and on..You are in a spiritual warfare and it time to fight spiritually..and then maybe she needs to hear someone she looks up that you don't mind her listen too to encourage her..but her situation is very heartbreaking...I'll be praying for you and your daughter..I hope this encourage you just a little bit..

Anna - posted on 02/15/2010

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Thank you both for your input. Part of my problem is that I feel so betrayed. This guy said horrible things to me. I feel like my daughter is sending him the message that it's ok to treat her family like this by reinvesting in the relationship....when it is absolutely not. Am I wrong for feeling betrayed?

Anne - posted on 02/11/2010

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Anna I can sooo relate. Our circumstances are different, but the "boyfriend" issues almost ended my relationship with our oldest daughter about 5 years ago. I will not take the time to go into a lot of detail,but it took every thing in me not to forbid her to see him.



This is what I learned from the problems---

We had raised our daughters that you do not live with a guy unless you are married to him. She moved in with him anyway. It took all I had to not go into great detail how wrong we felt this was every time I did see her.

I am a Praying mom and I do not think I have ever spent so much time Praying for anything like I did that relationship. HOwever it took "Letting Go and Let God " do His Job before I say any real difference in our relationship. I knew from other boyfriends that if I bad mouthed him he just became more desirable and I became the "bad guy" Eventually he cheated on her and she broke up with him. THEN this past spring they got back together. This time I said NOTHING, I did have everyone I knew that knew how to Pray, PRAY for her. She say the light when she was in Asia for 5 weeks for her college degree. Between her tight schedule and the 12 hour time change she called very little She would e-mail once a week. Yes we would have loved for her to call more and e-mail more but we(Her dad/my husband) understood she was there to learn not keep us updated on what she was doing. The boyfriend did not understand and this was the beginning of the end of their relationship. It was not until she changed her mind about moving to the city he lives in did his true personality come out. He called her a b***h.



I told you all of this to suggest that you do what ever you can to be nice to him, and not bad mouth him to your daughter. If you are a Praying Mom Than keep it up. In fact Stormie Ormartin has written another book on Prayer, this time it is The Power of Praying for our Adult Children. I have not read the book, but her other books on Prayer are wonderful and I have read and used them for years.

I hope this has helped. If you need to talk or vent just send me a message. I will respond.

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