Changing bedrooms

Danadoo1013 - posted on 02/25/2017 ( 17 moms have responded )

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My husband and I have a blended family. The kids are 22,21,15,13 and 6. After a rough 8 months we had the 21 year stepdaughter leave our home. My husband doesn't want to convert any of the kids rooms because he wants them to know they always have a place in our home. I think this is a nice sentiment but truly feel this is ridiculous. We have made the decision his daughter will not live in our home again. I would like to shuffle the kids around seeing that our 6 year olds room was once part of our bedroom but we converted because we ran out of bedrooms. I need help! How can I help him see that we're not keeping shrines for any of our kids when they move out?

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Danadoo1013 - posted on 02/26/2017

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Thanks,Sarah!
My husband and I both agree she will not be returning to our home...ever. She is leaving with her mom and we both said her next step should be a place of her own. Unfortunately, from what her brother has told us she doesn't take ownership for her behavior and in the past two months she has made no changes. It's really sad.
I know my husband is still coming to terms on how things played out and realizing that as of right now his daughter is toxic for all of us.
I'm thinking that waiting till May will give him enough time to fully digest everything that has occurred and stop blaming himself. We enabled her behavior and her mother continues to do so. When we asked her to leave she only took a small portion of her belongings. I have packed everything else up and throughly cleaned the room and bathroom.(I took out 9 bags of trash!)
My next step is to move everything to our attic. I'm trying to be thoughtful and mindful of my actions because I don't want to hurt my husband while he's still trying to accept that his daughter clearly said to all of us "screw you."

Sarah - posted on 02/25/2017

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You can't. All you can to is try to negotiate a compromise. Maybe it is too soon? Was he completely on board with having the 21yo move out? If he agrees with you that the 21yo should not be permitted to move back home, then why does he feel strongly about keeping her room available for her? I think that is the most telling part of the post; that he wants her to know she can move home. It is a non-verbal way of letting her know he was not in agreement with asking her to move. Where did she go? If she moved somewhere that is not permanent- like college, then maybe she will need to return? What were the circumstances for her leaving?

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Ev - posted on 02/25/2017

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I agree with Sarah on her thoughts on this. I would say the same and did say it as well. But what I do not get is waiting to May? Is it worth putting off until then?

Sarah - posted on 02/25/2017

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I commented on the OP and have read the responses. The issue IMO is pretty simple. You both agree that the adult child's behavior was unacceptable and put the well-being of the others at risk. You both agree that her moving out was the best choice for her and your family. What you don't agree on is that this living arrangement is permanent. If he felt that way, he'd have no reason to hold her room. He must be entertaining the idea that she will mend her ways and come back home. Or, he may be so worried that she may end up on the streets and afraid to ask for help, thus he wants to maintain her room as an unspoken invitation to eventually return home. There really is no other reason to keep a bedroom for someone.
So, what to do now? Either wait for him to accept that she won't return. Proceed with changing the room arrangement and move a child into her room. Or, reach a compromise? Maybe move a child into room with the agreement that if she goes to treatment, proves she is clean, goes back to school and will pay rent, that she can come back home. If she returns home in that case, you do what every family does when they need to help another member; you pull together and make room. Imagine if she were out for a while, married with a child and he spouse were to pass and she needed to come home? You'd all squeeze together and help her out.
You are right, life is not black and white; neither is this decision. You just don't know if this situation is permanent or not.

Ev - posted on 02/25/2017

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Okay, I understand what you are saying about the situation with the weed and so forth. As for the bedroom issue, you two need to sit down and have a discussion anyway. You need to point out the reason again why she is not allowed to the house and also make a case for your reasons for the kids' bedrooms being done the way you would like to. Let him make his case for things to and then come to some sort of decision. But realistically, with the bedrooms, you can not make him do things he does not want to do. That is why you should have worked out that issue from before getting married.

Danadoo1013 - posted on 02/25/2017

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Ok...
My husband and I talked and discussed a lot before,during and presently. Life,families etc... are not black and white. We both made responsibilities etc... crystal clear. When she crossed those lines we asked her to leave. She gave her older brother a bag of weed and a pipe as a birthday present while we were at restaurant. Our family saw it, no one else. That's why their were no police involved.
Our situation has been heartbreaking. We never wanted her to leave nor did we ever think she would act this way. Especially in front of our younger children. Unfortunately she has given us no other choice. We haven't had any contact with her since the end of December. I have made it clear I won't do this again. If he would like to see her and have dinner that's up to him but I'm not putting myself and our other children in harms way again.
I would like to move the kids into new rooms so that were not sharing a room with our 6 year old. That is all.

Ev - posted on 02/25/2017

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And I was not judging you. All blended families should have a plan for all sorts of things and then if something comes up unexpected the husband and wife should sit down and discuss the situation and deal with it how they think best. If you do not discuss how this family should be before the marriage and moving into one home, how do you think this family is going to survive? The adult kids are more than able to deal with their own lives and things. If they are going to bring drugs into the home, it is simple....move them out. If you guys do not want to deal with it them make them leave. Yes, it might have been something you guys did not know about until it came up but you could have addressed the situation and dealt with it and how does someone offer weed and a pipe in a public place without the cops being involved?

Ev - posted on 02/25/2017

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I have only been married once and yes, we talked about everything. The things that came up we talked about and worked out until he decided he was done with the marriage. That is what you should do. And when blending a family you really need to do that.

Danadoo1013 - posted on 02/25/2017

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Did you discuss everything with your husband before you got married? Things come up. I never ever thought we would have gone through half the situations we have. We have an amazing relationship. This would never cause a break in that. I was looking to the community on their experiences not your judgement.

Ev - posted on 02/25/2017

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It was that simple, Dana. You should have had your thoughts out on the table about all things that would happen once the marriage took place. You guys should have worked out when the older children 18 and over would be allowed to stay in the home and for how long, what was expected of them and what would happen if they did not follow through, their contribution in finances to the household such as rent, food and utilities, the behavior expected of them in respect to the house rules and what those house rules should have been from the beginning. It does not sound like you two even communicated this. And if he is allowing drugs into the house or has not a care about them being presented to the children, is that safe for the kids that are yours and his that are under 18?

Danadoo1013 - posted on 02/25/2017

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My husband doesn't just feel this way about my stepdaughters bedroom it's all of the kids. She failed out of college last April and moved back home. Pretty much her behavior was out of control and disrespectful. Smoking weed in our house,lying constantly. Losing multiple jobs and then cursing me out because I asked her to lock the front door when leaving our home and then giving the 22 year old a pipe and bag of weed in front of the younger children and my husband in a public restaurant.

Ev - posted on 02/25/2017

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You can not force him to agree to that. You guys should have sat down and discussed this from the beginning.

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