Child coming home from freshman year of college - what are the rules?

Bev - posted on 06/30/2010

I dan't have a curfew. she usely home by 1130-12 since she works in the morning at 8am. but on weekends she will useally let us know when she is coming home by texting us. but some times she goes back to her place which is 45 min away and stays there on friday and saturday evenings. I trust her that she make responiable decisons. trust goes both ways.

Candy - posted on 06/28/2010

Everything will change. First and foremost, realize that she is an interesting combination of your child and an adult. There are times you will need to remember she is an adult and times you will so need to be there as her mommy. The mommy times get less and less with each year. Don't allow outrageous behavior, but be reasonable with your rules. Figure out what means the most to you and let go of those that don't. If she starts doing things you do not approve of, of course talk to her about it and put restrictions on, but hopefully you can trust that you brought her up correctly. And offer to let her call you for a ride anytime she needs you. Let her know instead of driving home with someone who has been drinking or if she has been drinking, or any situation she is really uncomfortable with all she needs to do is call. No lectures, no repercussions. Let her talk about what happened when she wants to talk. More than likely she will want to if she feels you are not judging her Make her feel safe. Obviously, this would not work with a child who would abuse this. To me, making my daughter know she could count on me to help her when she needed me the most, was very important to me. Good luck.

Carolyn - posted on 06/24/2010

My 19 year old daughter just came home from her fresman year at college. We did not give her a curfew but tell her to be home at a reasonable hour. Usually it is by 1 AM. She always tells me where she is going, who she will be with and what time she expects to come home. My 17 year old son, however, has a curfew of 11:30 and doesn't like it. My daughter made sure to expain to him that she had a the same curfew at that age. My daughter also has imposed her own rules as she has started a full time job from 9 - 4 Monday-Friday and babysits overnight some nights from 11 pm - 7 am. She knows her limits and usually only goes out on weekend nights when she isn't babysitting. She makes good choices and is a fine example for her three younger brothers. She does feel however that she shouldn't have to do chores because she works. Well so do I! We are still a family and all need to pitch in!

Ruth - posted on 06/19/2010

We booted the curfew. BUT our son had to let us know if he was going to stay out past 1. Once he didn't home home at all (crashed with friends when it got late and they all got tired) and we had to lay down some rules. He said it was really late and he didn't want to call and wake us. We told him a text would have sufficed. I just told him that if I was going to be out late I would call the house and tell HIM so that HE wouldn't worry and I am an adult, too. I told him that this is part of being in a family and it's not about control, just courtesy. He understood. I also stopped waking him up for work and doing his laundry...stuff like that. I think this is the hardest transition....the whole kid to adult thing. I also had to stress that his room is still his room but part of MY house and that he had to leave it as clean at the end of the break as it was when he arrived. It is a fun stage but pretty stressful at times. Enjoy!

Jane - posted on 06/11/2010

For us, the rules are, if you're not in by 11 on a night when the rest of us have to be up in the morning, find another "where" to stay. (Can't have the dog barking waking up the other kids and Dad who has to be up at 5am.)

There is no alcohol consumption in our home. Nor are there drunk people. IF you need to do/be either, find another "where" to stay that night.

Weekends, you have more freedom and we can handle the dog at 1 am. That's it. Still no alcohol and no drunk people.

GET A JOB. We love you, but we can't carry you.

Cindy - posted on 06/10/2010

Well, first thing I told my daughter is when you are under my roof the rules are the same as before. And you will get a job, I had her start applying when she was home on Spring break. and she is working. And actually loves it. She has responsibilities and rules at work, and at home. I guess I figure as long as I pay the bills, you go by my rules. I know sometimes we play hardball with our kids, but it is for their own good. I also told her even though she has had the same boyfriend for over a year, and he did ask me if he could give her a ring and I right away told him there will be no ring on those fingers untill she graduates. School is first and her future. So that is where we are. Best of luck. My daughter goes to Baylor University on Scholarship, but it still cost me around 10 - 15 thousand a year. So as long as I am paying the bills, well, my rules go.
My best, oh yea, PRAY alot. it helps
Cindy

Alisa - posted on 06/10/2010

My 18 year didn't go away to college, but stayed home. I think this is the phase of their lives where they need to encounter new situations that have actions and reactions (even if you stay out late, you still have to get up at a reasonable time as my home is not a hotel or flop house) while we are still allowed to help guide them somewhat. I pointed out to my daughter that although she does not have a set curfew, I try to wait up because I am not comfortable trying to sleep if she's not home. During the work week this puts quite a strain on me. Since my daughter is usally a kind child, she will call or message me to let me know she is ok, whether she will be coming home (yes, it's her decision and she's been very responsible), etc... A bit of mutual respect from both goes a long way. Good luck!

Anjali - posted on 06/08/2010

Dear Tracy,
Always home is home. It cannot be a hostel or a hotel. So the rule of home remains same as it is defined by you. If our children have stayed in a different atmosphere for a period(short or long), they should abide by those rules. Though there could be some relaxations depending on the situations, the persons and places you daughter want to go. if u feel she is matured enough the curfew can be relaxed sometimes. This is my personal view as I do with my son when he is home during vacations.As he also lives in no curfew conditions. But when he is home he must be back by 9pm. Though eating meals with family is not very strictly followed as he gets very little time to catch up with his friends. But he him self try to have dinner atleast with us. or at times all meals we eat together. But yes his habit of sleeping till late and staying awake till late nights irritates me. But I let him feel comfortable as he is on vacation. so just chill and observe initially.

Mary - posted on 07/09/2009

She is now an adult, but she will be living in your home, so it's your rules (think about one of your siblings coming to visit). Have a very frank discusssion with her when she first gets home. No curfew, but the courtesy of telling you approximately when she will be home (i.e. by 1 AM) so you can stop worrying (still a mom). Free access to any food in the house, but she should do her own laundry and help around the house as a family house guest might. If she won't be there for a meal, she should give you advance warniing - it's only common courtesy.

Lucille (Sandra) - posted on 07/08/2009

My girl is leaving for college next month. She turned 18 in May and this summer before college I started being more lenient about her curfew and about questioning her comings and goings. She's very good about asking/telling me where she's going and texting me if plans change. The dirty room problem hasn't been solved yet, but I've noticed it being a tiny bit neater - at least she pulls the comforter up over her rumpled sheets. :) Sometimes she's mentioned doing something that she knows from past exxperience I don't agree with. I tell her that legally she's an adult now and can do what she wants but that she knows right from wrong, and was brought up with values that can answer her question for her. I turn it over to her to handle and on every occasion she's made the decision I hoped she would. Some rules won't change - smoking, drinking, boyfriend staying overnight, talking disrespectfully to me, etc. However, those rules have never been much of an issue anyway. They just ARE.

Linda - posted on 07/08/2009

Is it the house rules you are worried about? I don't think that the house rules should change every time a person stays for a few days. I think what you should consider is the respect of the house rules and other in the house. If the person in charge of the house has is responsible for making sure that the house is secure before going to sleep then that person can't really go to sleep until everyone in the house is safe and the house is locked. These are the concerns that should be worried about.



Besides, when our kids are at college, the college has dorm rules and they follow them.



Remember our children will get away with what ever we let them. They are now young adults and should understand the meaning of house rules and respect.

Debra - posted on 07/07/2009

I've got a 27 year old son and a 22 year old daughter, so please let me help you out with a bit of "been there, done that"....treat them like the adults that they are...they're no longer children who need curfews anymore. Don't fall into the mindset of parent/child because that isn't who you both are anymore...your "dance" with each other had permanently changed to that of "adult to adult" and the adjustment is going to take some major effort on your part of "take off the apron strings" and let her be who she is as an adult...don't hover, don't bug her with the who/what/where/when/why that we all did when she was accountable to you as a minor...treat her as you would another equal and as a guest and friend who is visiting in your home. She needs to do her own laundry, clean up after herself and not treat you as her personal chef, maid, and chauffeur, but strive for the new adult to adult relationship and you'll be surprised how much fun that is...you're no longer responsible for her in any way. And when she visits, it's ONLY a visit...it isn't moving back home to stay. Your home is still your home and she'll have her own apartment when she graduates from college and gets her first permanent job. You can go visit her!

Karen - posted on 07/05/2009

I am mom of a soon to be a Senior at Baylor. I do not have a curfew for my daughter. She has been living on her own away in college. I do ask that she lets me know if she will not be coming home for the night and where she will be. When she was a freshman it was the same also. I just asked that she respect us and let us know when she might be home or where she will be staying. She is very responsible she is working and going to school in the summer so she decides when she should come home. How am i going to give a curfew to someone who has been living on their own. But, i will say everyone's child and situation is different. I started giving her more leeway during high school that way she would be ready for college and being on her own and making her own decisions. Good luck and I hope this helps.

Shari - posted on 07/04/2009

The rules are whatever YOU say they are because it's YOUR house! Having said that, I will add that if you can all sit down and discuss things, I think it will go smoother. She has to consider your family: any messages that her behavior will send to younger sibs, respect for the "landlord" and your property, your feelings (waiting up/ having an idea of the direction she headed/ having a rough idea of the time she'll be home b/c of safety issues), etc. You have to consider her: she has had a "taste" of independence and she "feels" that she is grown now. I am sure if both sides listen, it will work out-- even if it is a little rocky at first. But like I tell my "grown" children-- when you can take care of ALL of your business, then YOU get to make the rules! Which of course NEVER really happens-- someone is always there to implement some rule or other on us! have fun--I sure am!

Jeanette - posted on 07/01/2009

we also have a daughter in the same situation and she is very respectful about coming home. its always at a decent time never to late. Just communicate let her no what you expect you are paying for college is that right. i believe they still need rules and guidance when they come back home from college. hope that helps

Lori - posted on 07/01/2009

I also agree with Terry Davis( scroll down), With our son, the fact that he can call and talk to us about anything, that we haven't overstepped into his "business" by not asking a zillion and one questions, he now asks to come home at least one night a week..usually stay for 2...now that we aren't a constant in his life(as meaning: we aren't there with him every day) we are tending to see him wanting more and more of our time and apprehiating the time that we do spend together...best advice is, despite sometimes thinking they can handle everything; by imposing the same rules, such as phone call of when they are going to be home if not by your curfew or what have you, they are reminded its still home, the same place where they came from, and out of respect they should obide by your rules...we as parents have done this and its worked amazingly well....

Teri - posted on 07/01/2009

Quoting Denise:

Do 19 year old have a "legal" curfew where you live? Use that for sure, but I'd say out of
currecy to the house Please come home by 12:30 during the week and say 1:00, or at least call and let me know you ok. As far as other "rules" I say anything that your family wouldn't allow normally. Maybe still no cursing, or smoking, or drinking.
Just a thought My 19 moved out, I'm really bummed lol. I make her call at least once every other day. But she manages to come over that much now. LOL
Good luck Denise

May I ask, how do you "MAKE" her call? I notice that if communication is open between you and your child and your relationship is good they just want to call home, especially when they have free time.

Lori - posted on 07/01/2009

I would say your house your rules as always...my son is moved out and starts college in the fall. when he comes for a visit my rules are the same..if you aren't home by midnight, call or make arrangements prior to leaving so i know where you are and where you'll be staying.... chores, if you stay here eat here same rules apply as if you never left... you make a mess , you clean it up, your laundry needs done, you do it....

Denise - posted on 06/11/2009

Do 19 year old have a "legal" curfew where you live? Use that for sure, but I'd say out of

currecy to the house Please come home by 12:30 during the week and say 1:00, or at least call and let me know you ok. As far as other "rules" I say anything that your family wouldn't allow normally. Maybe still no cursing, or smoking, or drinking.

Just a thought My 19 moved out, I'm really bummed lol. I make her call at least once every other day. But she manages to come over that much now. LOL

Good luck Denise

Angie - posted on 06/10/2009

Ah, all has gone well as expected here. Daughter is home from college and respecting our wishes. If she stays out for the night she lets us know. If she's going to be very late she lets us know. I just wish she'd clean her room lol She's leaving today for a concert and next month an almost week long concert. I'm trying to enjoy the last couple of months her being home before she's in her apt. come Aug and probably won't be back home till after college if that. Good Luck to you all

Valeria - posted on 06/01/2009

My daughter came home from college and we came to an agreement that she would keep me informed of what she's doing. If she's not coming home and staying with one of her friends, she calls or text to let me know; otherwise she arrives home at a reasonable hour. I don't press her about what she's doing. She's been on her own since August 2008. It's hard to begin telling her what to do now. She did quite well on her own. Still working as well. Now she's spending the summer in NY living with my cousin while she works an internship. You've got to accept they're no longer children, but now young adults.

Kimbel - posted on 05/30/2009

Yes a curfew...it is still your home and your house has rules but much looser rules now that she is in college. I sat my son down and discussed the new rules with him comfortably as a give and take. We still need to know where he is and if he is not returning home or coming home late past midnight in case of an emergency or accident.

Kimbel - posted on 05/30/2009

19 year olds are not adults.....if you read my message then you would see that you sit down and discuss fm him hat he is doing as I see you are then you are giving him leeway but still need to know what is going on in his life. I have had friends in the past say it is their room and I do not enter and the are adults...always ended up bad...if they are in our house then they are still part of our life and we theirs but in a different way than b4 college.

Deb - posted on 05/30/2009

College kids don't keep the same hours as us parents! My son is home from his first year, and I wouldn't think of imposing curfew on him - he is an adult! What I've gained from this is his respect and he keeps me informed of his plans and who he will be with. I wouldn't want to restrict his time with friends and trust him. He's doing everything he should be doing and I'm very proud of him.

Kimbel - posted on 05/11/2009

texting is a super tool with our son ! I do not bother him with a call adn I know where he is and how he is...

Kimbel - posted on 05/11/2009

Yes a curfew...it is still your home and your house has rules but much looser rules now that she is in college. I sat my son down and discussed the new rules with him comfortably as a give and take. We still need to know where he is and if he is not returning home or coming home late past midnight in case of an emergency or accident.

Tracy - posted on 05/08/2009

Angie - we are both on the same path. My daughter came home on Wednesday and I talked to her about her curfew - her dad and I had talked about it and agree on 1:30am - and she thought I was just plain crazy. I did say if you were going to be out later, I need to know by midnight - didn't think that was asking too much since I've always waited up for her until she got home. I'm going to stick with it even if she doesn't agree. Would love to know how it goes with your daughter. I'm sure at some point we will both here - "I want to go back to school" before the summer is out......

Angie - posted on 05/04/2009

I came looking for a community for mother's of college kids also. I too have the same question. These are my feelings and wanted to see if there was agreement. My daughter learned the balancing act. Her very busy social life, work and lastly, school. lol

I'm very proud of her. She made All A's and B's. I think a reasonable hour (by 2 am) is not asking too much. I will also ask that she text msg. me when she has late nights and is on her way home. She will have the same rules as my other 2 girls. Keeping her room picked up and helping out w/ general chores in our house.