Daughter in College Do u lose your BF

Gena - posted on 09/02/2009 ( 30 moms have responded )

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My daughter and I have always been the best of friends, I feel now she will not feel that way, I hurt often miss her terriblly. We talk 4 or 5 times a day but is not the same as needing to see her. I guess time will heal

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Ruth - posted on 09/04/2009

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The first year of college is probably the biggest life change after birth! It takes that year, sometimes, for young adults to adjust to their new community. My son is now a senior in college. He and I have become closer than ever. But I suggest that you give her the space to make new friends and focus on her studies. I would plunge into some activity (work or volunteer work or hobby) about which you are passionate, so that you feel fulfilled, too.

Claire - posted on 02/01/2013

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Oh my goodness! I am so sorry! Is she happy? or is he controling the whole situation? Try to take her out to lunch or some shopping without him so you two can talk freely. Listen to what she wants, tell her you will always love her no matter what! Best of luck.

June - posted on 10/23/2009

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I think a lot of people are mistaking "best friends" for just a really close relationship that they have with their child. My daughter and I are very close, she confides in me (more now than ever!) But, my realtionship is different than her relationship with her friends. It is really, really good-she might even tell me more than she does them, but it's different. This is my daughter's second year in college and the first year was tough, the person who said she went through a greiving process hit the nail on the head. I know I went through that and a lot of my friends did too, I had a really hard time with it, but it's better now. I learned not to call her, I let her call me because she is so wrapped up in her studies and college life. Consequently, she calls me all the time!! (at least 3 to 4 times a day). But, I give her lots of space and I think she appreciates that. So while she is out of the house I feel like I'm raising a second child in my husband right now!!

Jenny - posted on 09/04/2009

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I wasn't my daughter's friend, I was her mother and she was my daughter. I was a tough parent and sometimes she didn't like me very much. We definitely had our ups and downs, and quite frankly I was initially looking forward to the separation. However, now that she's gone, life is not the same. I miss her terribly and feel as though I am going through the grieving process. Although I ache for her daily, I also appreciate the fact that she is growing up and gaining her independence. As a result of this, she and I are becoming closer, and on our way to a beautiful friendship!!

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Shirl - posted on 01/31/2013

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I dropped my daughter off at college and I truly believe I have lost her forever. the first few months were great. We would talk some she would tell me about school and friends. She seemed to be doing great! Then she came home for Christmas. Not the person I raised. She brought a new boyfriend with her and I soon discovered that she threw away every moral value and self worth she was raised with. She purposely flaunted it in my face like she did not care. I realize she has to find herself. I can get over that, but the dishonesty and disrespect from both of them hurt tremendously
I got a call from her last week to tell me she is pregnant and they are getting married in April. They have only known each other two months! He has basically made it clear I will not have any one on one contact with her ever again and should be grateful he even brought her here for Christmas. I am terrified that I have lost her forever

Maria - posted on 01/06/2013

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I know how you feel. I have been going through this for years. Now she calls only 1-2 times a day and she used to call 4-6 times a day. I am not allowed to call her, her rule. I think I belong living in the days when family lived down the street and dropped in all the time. My son moved a long ways away and met a gal and now he will not be back since her family lives there. There just seems to be more pain because my daughter and I were closer, a mother daughter thing. She thinks I am abnormal because I miss her. That makes me feel worse. I wish I had answers for you.

Lori - posted on 04/24/2012

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It does get better...but oh so painful. I coped by creating some greeting cards just for her. i wanted to "fill her mailbox with cards"! so she would know I still loved and missed her. However there were no cards that dealt with her new college life. So...I created some for her. Then our sons when they left!!! It helped. and they were a big hit. With her and all her friends. They wanted me to send them cards! If you want to see how they turned out...I put them on a website! I know what you are going through! All the best, Lori

http://myseedsoffaith.com/

Pamela - posted on 09/09/2010

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I understand what you mean. I was young when I had my daughter and we went through a lot together. We are very close and have always had a great relationship. Don't get me wrong, we went through difficult times of course, but overall it's been great. And believe me, I'm not so much her friend that she doesn't respect me, which I'm sure is the case with you guys too. If we hadn't done our jobs, they wouldn't be successfully venturing into building this life, right? But it is certainly hard not having her home. Thank goodness for technology - Skype rocks! :)

Bonnie - posted on 09/08/2010

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Our daughter and I are also best friends....sometimes she tells me things I don't really want to hear...LOL
It was so tough when she first moved out to go to University, I was so lonely without her even though we still spoke on the phone every day.
But, I am also one of those Empty Nester Moms who is now enjoying the renewed couple time that seemed to have been put on the back burner with school, drama classes, dance, etc. My hubby and I are having date nights and travelling, going on cruises, etc. We still talk to our daughter every day and she has grown into a confident young woman and I'd like to think it was because we were so close. It does get better with time....."Mother's can hold their children's hands for a little while but will hold their hearts forever". I truly believe that.

If she still calls you everyday, you've done a great job. :)

Sally - posted on 09/06/2010

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Everyone is so lonesome in this group without their daughter (myself included). However, if you go to the "Empty Nesters" forum you will see the moms jumping for joy. What do they know that we don't know? When does the jumping for joy stage come along. Right now, I just miss my daughter who is all the way in San Francisco - 4-1/2 hours by plane.

Kelly - posted on 10/26/2009

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I was also mom first. Now she is 18 and we have become the best of friends!!!!!

Kelly - posted on 10/26/2009

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I feel the same exact way!!!! I live in Texas!!!!! My daughter got a full ride to play volleyball. I miss her terribly. No you do not lose your best friend. It develops into a stronger relationship. I have twoboys that I also am close with, but I have noone to go get pedicures with!!!!That means I just have to go visit her. It gets better the more time she is gone!!!!! I am learning to cope and I am so proud of how she turned out. You did your job!!!!! Now let her fly and be a success!!!

Kathy - posted on 10/26/2009

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I kind of feel like I did lose my bf, we could talk about everything, and she was and is my person I can confide in, and she to me. I know she has her friends and it hurts me that they come 1st but I see too, that my job is pretty much done with raising her, and my advice isnt what she wants or needs. Its really hard to let go.... :_(

Eileen - posted on 10/22/2009

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Don't worry Gena, you may think you are losing your best friend but you aren't. My daughter went away to college and I was so lonely for her, but we are actually closer than ever. The distance has seemed to draw us even closer as she loves to call home and get "mom advise" everyday almost. It will all work out great, be patient.

Tracy - posted on 10/17/2009

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Gena, I cringe when people call their daughters their best friends. Our children are not are peers. We are their parents. I am very close to my daughter who is now a Junior in college and currently doing study abroad in Ireland. It is difficult when they first leave but you will stay close. They need to go out in the world and define themselves. Talking to your daughter too often prevents her from becoming independant and her own person. I am sure you have other friends that are your peers and now is a good time for you to expand those relationships. Trust me you, will not lose your daughter but gain an independant young adult that can thrive on her own.

Nancy - posted on 10/16/2009

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My relationship with my daughter changed immediately after dropping her off to college. I was so disappointed Parents Weekend by her distant behavior , that I thought aliens abducted my child and left a stranger. My friends tell me this happens as the child overreacts to her own difficulty with seperation. I am assured the aliens will return her
in the near future.

Romi - posted on 10/15/2009

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I hope she is not too far to take a day trip to see her. I have a niece that is two hours away and I told her I would do day trips to see her. Her family is 9 hours away and so much more difficult for them. Good luck

Cheryl - posted on 10/08/2009

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I feel the same way. All the way home after taking her to her new town, new school I could help but feel like I was abandoning her. We do talk and text but not like before. I feel lost without her around. She is the baby of 4. Wow! Now what do I do with myself?

Lynn - posted on 09/27/2009

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My daughter and I have always been very close and I like you hated when she went off to college. I thought i would lose my best friend. We are still close. Do we see each other every day, no but we make the best of the time we have. I appreciate a few minutes each day we get to talk, either by phone text or email. When she is home we spend time doing our favorite things. She is now studying in London and I miss her very much but she and I are making the most of the few minutes of video chat we get a week. Hang in there, give her space and the relationship will not change, it will be a different wonderful relationship. Let her know you miss her but do not let her know that you are hurting, sad, or depressed. Celebrate her acheivements and allow her time to grow and you will grow with her. Time will ease yur feelings, I promise..

Claire - posted on 09/18/2009

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I know how you feel! I have always been close to my daughter, untill a couple of years ago. I could feel her pulling away from me. Now She has been in college for 4 weeks, 75 miles away, not missing us one bit, while I feel like I have lost my bestfriend who does't want to call me. I hope time will heal.

Donna - posted on 09/12/2009

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Two most precious gifts you can give your children is roots and wings.
It is there time now.

Anna - posted on 09/12/2009

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My dtr and I were very close but I knew that when it came time for her to leave it would be me that would be heartbroken. She misses her friends more than she misses her mom, and that is the way it should be. I had to face the facts, talk to myself daily and remind myself this is the place that we raised her to be. I try really really hard to stay out of her business, and it is paying off. She sends me sweet notes--texts actually, who writes anymore! She will even call once in a while. She has become independent, cut the cord herself, something I couldn't bring myself to do. But I had to let her do it and I did. I am proud of myself, even though my eyes are tearing up thinking about it.

Karen - posted on 09/05/2009

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This too shall pass. She's just doing what all kids do...grow up. That's the part we can''t deal with. In truth, we moms would rather they be our babies forever and she will just in another way. Give her a few years, then you will have a stronger relationship than ever. be proud that you raised a daughter to be independent and adventuresome. Obviously you did a great job raising her. Being a Mom is not for sissies,is it??

Marie - posted on 09/05/2009

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It will take some time, just like when she went to school for the first time and stay all day. U haven't lost ur best u just gain a new respect for her seen that she is growing up and going to the one place u dream of all the time for her to reach. Sometimes u have to give some space to let them mature before ur eyes. Talking to her that often is showing how much u love each other, not every one have that privilege, wish I did, so cherish it until she come how for the holiday. The friendship is deep inside ur heart. Hope this help.

Beth - posted on 09/04/2009

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my daughter and I had a clear understanding that i was mom first, but we through good and bad circumstances became best of friends, Leaving her at college 4 hours away, I wansn't sure where my place was. She treated me so cold and even rude when I would call to check in or see how school was going. "she never has time for me or even acts like she could care how I am or what's going on with me. I'm hurt and I guess thats normal, I'm also very proud and happy for her that she has found peace and happiness where she is, but how do you find that happy medium for us both to be okay. I'm almost 40 and I've focused every waking minute on her and her brother. I still do for him as he's only 16 , but I feel so alone, and all this time alone is making me miss her even more.

Patti - posted on 09/04/2009

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When my son left for college last year I was crushed. But we are still just as close, although we have both grown in the last year. I suggest finding yourself again and doing things you never thought you would have time for! Enjoy this time of your life after childrearing. You'll find that you will grow too!

Teresa - posted on 09/04/2009

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It is not your daughters job to be your best friend. I am sure you raised her to be a responsible adult. Now it is time for her to spread her wings a bit and find her best friends. One's that she will never forget or raise their children with. My son is in his 30's and lives out of state (18 hours away) I take pride in the person he choose to be, the husband he is and the father he is. I remember him getting ready to move and get married. I ask them, why not live here with me... there is more than enough room you can have this half of the house. My son said you know mom I love you but it is time I live my life. It was hard. I am afraid had I called him 4-5 times a day he may have found reasons to avoid me. Credit yourself for the good job you did and find a friend to spend time with and take the pressure off of your daughter.

Patti - posted on 09/02/2009

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Gena, My daughter and I were close when she went ti college last fall. I was afraid we'd drift apart, but we didn't. We are as close as ever. She actually confided more in me than before!

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