Disrespectful and outrageous behavior from 21 and 25 year old daughters

[deleted account] ( 8 moms have responded )

I am at my wits end with my daughters and I could use some suggestions. I live in a remote area and have no one to confide in so I am taking this opportunity to ask others going through this if I am being too harsh. My 21-year old is very responsible with her school work. She is an accomplished musician and has gone to college on scholarships with both academic and musical awards.. I would like to think I had a small part in helping her arrive to this point. Yet since she has been in a 2 year relationship our relationship is at an all time low. I work full-time as an Assistant Education Director at a prison, so to say my job is stressful is putting it mildly. I also go to grad school full-time (online) an have an hour commute each way to work.

In the last few months, I have allowed her and her girlfriend to live here to save money. My daughter this past week auditioned at Yale school of music and I am very proud of her. She has a very busy schedule so i try to give her a lot of space. Recently she invited me to an awards dinner for a competition she won. Her accompanist and girl friend were also at the dinner. I did not get to sit next to my daughter but rather next to an accompanist whom i do not know. My daughter basically said hello and goodbye during the entire dinner. When my daughter went to play for the event the girlfriend said nothing. These ladies live with me. Recently my job was eliminated and I have had to take a $6000 pay cut. I am paying $70 a month for a storage unit for all there things and do not have access to it. Their bedroom is filled with dirty clothes on the floor and stuff piled in boxes to the ceiling. i have asked this stuff be moved to the storage unit and it has fallen on deaf ears. Three weeks ago, they brought home 2 cats and said they would take care of them. They did not even ask if it was ok (I have asthma). I have been taking care of the cats. The girlfriend will not say hello or goodbye when she is in the house. I do not even know the last time we ate a meal together (before the awards dinner, i think it's been 3 months). I pay for the cell phone, they do not clean up their messes and a dorm room looks better than their room. My daughter says i should speak to her girlfriend and the girlfriend would not discuss it. I am so hurt by this disrespectful behavior. i am a single mom, and have done everything I can to support both of my daughters. Tonight I told her this behavior had to stop. She informed me that I offered to pay for the monthly fee for the storage unit. They do not pay rent, utilities,nothing. I'm okay with that. But this behavior is outrageous. I told her that she would have to move out if this situation did not get better. She got angry and said this is the last thing she needed. I have not heard from my 25 year old daughter for months. The things that is upsetting is that I don't think they want me in their lives. They never seem to want to know how I'm doing or that they love me. They do not seem to care. not even a Christmas card. I hate to get angry with them but they don't even acknowledge what i am saying. Any suggestions or comments would be appreciated. Discouraged in Florida.

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Mary - posted on 03/16/2012

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Wow Norah!! I can seriously say I completely understand where you are coming from. I have the same stress but different situation. I was going to post mine so that I could just get some support.



I've been told to change the locks when the kids aren't home and then pack their things in boxes. I know as a single parent (I am too), it's difficult to be the mean person cause you have been mom and dad for years and it hard to be the person that turns their back on the children that you have given your all to. You're afraid that you will never see them again and you love them so much to do that. All you want is respect, help and love.



Lately, I've been trying to tend to myself because of the drastic amount of stress. I think it's time to focus on you rather than them. They are going to make you "old" and it's not fair. I am an enabler and I believe you are too. Frankly, it's hard to stop being the giver even when you are being pooped on. But, it's time to let them grow up. I'm not saying to throw them out. Simply don't pay that storage fee anymore. Give your daughter the bill. If you are able to let her cell phone get turned off without disrupting your life and your phone, let it get turned off. Tell her that she needs to get her own and pay for it. Try not to be their safety net anymore cause it's obvious that they are wanting to gain some independence..which is good.



As far as the girlfriend....take her aside and let her know your rules. Remind her that she isn't your daughter and you truly don't have to let her be under your roof. She needs to be respectful since you are giving her shelter and she needs to help too. As far as their room....shut the door. As far as the cats....when they aren't home....take them to the shelter. You will seriously be happy you did. Besides your allergies, you will have cat pee and cat fur all over your house and it isn't easy to get rid of...I know. And, why should you have to take care of their responsibility??? They can't do it? I'm positive they will find a good home from the shelter.



I wish you the best!!!

Michelle - posted on 02/26/2012

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sounds to me like your kids are still acting like teenagers, perhaps they need a taste of what it is like living in the real world. Yes you love your kids but I would be telling them look here's the deal I love you very much but I can't afford to keep doing this you will have to start helping out or you will have to start paying rent. If they don't like it yes they may move. This in and of itself may make your relationship better. But the reality of the world to day is that that generation of kids has little to respect for anyone and treats their parents like crap. I would if it were me ask them to move out and just get on with your life.

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[deleted account]

Thanks Mary! U appreciate your thoughts about this . I tried to talk to everyone involved but it came on dead ears. I did throw them out because they were too busy to give me 20 minutes. The biggest stress is gone. I still need to deal with the cats. The storage unit I am paying for until she decides where she is going to grad school. Then it's a big garage sale or the stuff thrown away. Thanks again

[deleted account]

Thanks to everyone who posted. I appreciate it so much. Well I tried to speak with my daughter about house rules & disrepect and she said she had no time. I kicked her & her girlfriend out 2 weeks ago. I have been cleaning the room up every day and it's still not clean ! I know I made the right decision . Obviously they have found somewhere else to stay. Life goes on and I feel I made the right decision. I am not a "Jerry Springer" type mom . If they don't want me in their lives, it's their loss! Thanks again .

Christina - posted on 03/12/2012

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i hate to say this but if they can not follow the rules in YOUR house, they need to go. as far as the one who doesnt speak to you. i feel for you cuz that is one of my biggest fears of my children turning of age.my children know that they can stay at home as long as they want but they also know that i still have the say so on what goes on in my house. my oldest is 15 and i know i have been tellin her for years she can stay at home but she will go by my rules otherwise she can go elsewhere. my kids have been told they will have to have a job, pay rent, and contribute to the chores in the house just like they do now with the chores. when they turn 18 they know im done raising them but they will follow rules. if they want to stay out all nite they need to find somewhere else to crash. i have 2 younger kids and if my daughter desides to hang out all hours of the night she is not goin to come in my house and wake up the 2 that still go to school just because shes of legal age. my daughter says she understands but only time will tell when she gets to that age. good luck

[deleted account]

April,

Thank you for your kind words. My daughter has not been a companion to me for quite awhile but i do think you make an astute comment about being remote. i think that's what started me thinking about all of this behavior even more. i am in the process of rebuilding a life for me and I thank you for the thoughtful way you recommended this.

Today, that is exactly what I told my daughter. I said I love you but I also love me and this disrespectful behavior cannot be ignored any longer. She threw her hand up in the air and pointed sideways to me and got very angry. I tried to explain that what i was asking for was reasonable but she would have none of it. I asked her to leave - today and she did. The animals are still here and many things are left behind. I will place them in the storage unit and have a garage sale. I was not angry when I asked her to leave and I do feel I made the right decision. It just makes me sad. I know i did the right thing and it's one of those difficult life lessons we had to learn. When she was angry she said I do not have time for this and asked if i wanted to see her transcripts. I said no but told her she could take a look at mine from graduate school (i have a double major and work full-time). It was a joke when I said I think my GPA is higher but it made her angrier. Pretty good for an old mom. Thanks again for sharing your ideas with me.

Norah

April - posted on 02/26/2012

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It is nice that she did invite you to the event, so that is a sign that she does want you in her life. You seem very busy and not a lot of time for yourself, maybe finding companionship from friends other than your daughter. You live in a remote area, I know, but I just think that you are being so taken advantage of and maybe you are afraid to let go of what you have so you are willing to do anything to keep it. You are a pleaser! Here is a thought to communicate to your daughter: I love you and I love me. You are a smart lady - and I do not think you are being too harsh asking your daughter to respect you and your home that you have offered to her and her friend. It is not too harsh to say if you need help in the current situation. Do they really need all the things in storage? Consider getting rid of it...clear our the old to bring in the new -- including a new attitude. One suggestion I do have is you said you have an hour commute -- there are some great books on tapes to listen to - do something nice for yourself during this time - you deserve it.

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