don't know if I should stop supporting my 20 yr old daughter

MARE - posted on 06/23/2011 ( 1 mom has responded )

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My daughter and I started having problems when she turned 12. I'm divorced (twice) have a son from my first marriage who is now married. When she was 16 we relocated to another city because of my job (she encouraged the move). She has always been headstrong and very lazy, nothing has ever motivated her, she does everything when she wants and how she wants: Just before we moved, she tried to commit suicide, started drinking, i found a couple of beer cans in her room when she was 14. I was not allowed to go in to her room, which has always been a mess, like a hurricane went thru it. She ran away from home with a boyfriend when she was 17, was away for a week, didn't know where she was. Bad grades, I was called in to school at least twice since she was in grade school, because she was lazy, would not participate, no homework but all the teachers said the same thing time and again: You daughter is very smart, we just don't know how to make her do anything, etc. Right after we moved, she told me that as soon as high school was over, she was going back to our hometown to go to college. One year ago, as if by a miracle - I thought so at the time, now I'm not so sure - I was offered a job only a few hrs. from our hometown and since she was coming back and my married son lives there too, I accepted. She stayed behind with a girlfriend and her single mother - I knew her girlfriend was gay - for the last 3 months until she graduated from HS. I own an apartment in our hometown and she asked me to stop renting it out and let her live there - she lived with her dad for a couple of months and it was a nightmare, he's a drug addict, from a good family, but messed up his life with cocaine - I told my daughter that I could let her live in the apartment if she found a job, that I would pay for all school expenses and basic living expenses but she had to get a job. She got a job and after one month - after she was living in the apartment - she quit her job! I pay for everything and the apartment is a total mess! she doesn't do her laundry, stays out partying and drinking and she told her dad and I 6 months ago that she's gay now and has a girlfriend - yes, the one she stayed with for a few months, who also relocated to a city 700 miles from where my daughter lives -.strangely, my daughter also became a vegetarian about the same time she decided she was a lesbian.She has gained a lot of weight and is very depressed sometimes,calls me crying - she has never been a crybaby before - that she feels so alone, but refuses to come live with me, we fight about that. it's heartbreaking and I'm always so worried, because of the suicide attempt 4 yrs. ago.
She just told me she flunked the semester - she hardly showed up at school - and that she's not sure what she wants to do, only that the career she thought she wanted is not what she wants now. She says she's sure she wants to go to college but refuses to get a job. I pay everything and whenever I try to talk to her about what she's not doing with her life, she hangs up on me after saying: are you gonna start with that again? she only calls me or texts me when she wants money. I call her every day and when I don't, she sometimes texts me just to say: don't you love me anymore? you haven't called me today. I have tried to be understanding and supportive thru everything she has done and said, but I feel she's taking advantage of me.But that's not the point, it's that she's is not doing anything good for herself. I want to exercise some tough love but don't know how and I'm afraid what she will fall in to if I stop paying for everything or kick her out of my apartment. I'm afraid because sh'e is so lazy and nothing motivates her, not bribes, threats, sweet talk. What should I do? please help! she´s the love of my life, so smart and pretty, very feminine, this is breaking my heart, I never thought it would get so bad, she lies and manipulates both her dad and myself- he lives close to her and of course he says she's all messed up because it's my fault. My son has his problems, he has ADD but has gotten over most of his issues, is fairly responsible, doesn´t drink or smoke, has a job and one child and another on the way. I don't want to do something that will send my daughter in to a tailspin towards drugs, drinking or who knows what. Please help, sorry for this long post, I'm desperate and sad. I live alone, have always been extremely responsible, have worked for the same company for almost 20 yrs. Thank You.

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Zatonda - posted on 06/27/2011

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Your daughter is playing you, as long as you allow it will continue. She will contiunue to do things to make you feel bad. She knows you better than you know her. I understand you love her and you can love her but she needs to show you love and respect you. Tough love is really needed so she will stop taking advantage of your kindness. You need to seek help on how to put your foot down. Don't fear her threats it is part of the game to get what she wants you to do. I wish you luck and that you daughter see you her mother not her go to person.

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