How do I get my daughter to understand that she NEEDS to pass all of her college classes?

Christie - posted on 10/26/2009 ( 40 moms have responded )

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I need to know how to emphasize that passing all of her classes is so important. This is what she wanted and now she is failing her english class,dropped the class and informed us afterwards.I told her that if she failed any classes we would no longer pay for school but she really needs to go and wants to be a teacher... Please help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

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Cindy - posted on 01/13/2010

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Our daughter is now in her 2nd semester sophomore year at a large university. Her first semester was a disaster. What we learned was that she needs to do this for herself! If she fails a class or drops the course before completion, then the consequences are hers. She will have to dig herself out of the academic hole. We encouraged her and gave her the tools she needed (access to tutors, counselors, extra study time, a good place to study). She had to realize that the "outside" world (away from the comforts of our home) would not just happen, she needed to set goals and work for what she wanted. Our daughter has now raised her GPA from a 1.06 to a 3.43. She's even giving up her summer to retake a couple of tough courses to get back on track.
Push as we might, the decision that classes are important and good grades are necessary, had to come from within her!
Continue to give her the support, steer her to the assistance she may need - she'll find her way.

As a member of a university staff myself (not her school), I see students struggle with trying to please mom and dad while finding themselves at the same time. Allow her the failures and learning experiences she needs to grow!

Shari - posted on 01/11/2010

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I have a son doing the same thing! Why is it they will work over and over again on a Vidio Game untill they get to the next level, but when it comes to life and learning they give up way to easy? I love kids today but I feel that when they get to collage they need more time to work on there social skills and emotions because they have had to much time with only the computer....

Jo - posted on 02/05/2013

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make sure she has ambitions in which she is fulfilling her own dream not yours, it is her who should urge herself to pass not you.

Rosalind - posted on 01/16/2010

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Stand your ground! If she fails any classes, let her make it on her own. I know it is tough to withdraw your financial support. Does she qualify for any government funding? If she does, then she will take the initiative to move forward. It is not always necessary for parents to give their children everything they want. How bad does she want this degree and career?

Carolyn - posted on 01/14/2010

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I had to let my kids know that I would only pay for C's & above, if they dropped classes I let them know that when they registered to take it again they were responsible to pay for it, if they finished it in good standing then I would reimburse them. It's hard some kids just aren't ready and others school isn't for them. They have to want it, we as parent's can't force it. We know they need an education they need to realize they do to.

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Debbiie - posted on 01/17/2010

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If failing is due to something academically, I would encourage her to take advantage of any academic help, like tutoring, or anything like that the schoold might offer. If it is because of laziness or just not wanting to do the work, I would suggest the she pay for her own schooling. I have a son that just graduated Magna Cum Laude and a daughter that is a junior this year.

Awilda - posted on 01/17/2010

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Hey, i had drop out of high school many many years ago.Always felt i was missing out on my education,(many things,got in my way, but i kept going) It took me 19 years to get my High school Diploma with graduation and prom . Worked for 12 1/2 years for WIC making good money but, I wasn't happy, left to start my life over and finish what i started now i am going to college for surg tech and working for $9.39 a hour not enough to life on but i do get by..I have 2 daughters 21 and 29 and they have seen how hard i had worked going to school and working.I have alway told them, how important it is to go to college,if they fail a class that means they didn't try hard enough, take it over and it will be alot easyer for them.That they wouldn't want to work as hard as me and make little money.Now my self and my daugthers are all going to college and gradating @the same time.One is a straight A student and works 2 jobs and she knows how hard it is,but what keep her going is that once she grandates she knows it will be alot easyer for her to pay for her car and things she likes.My point is that she needs to know that life is not easy and that you need to get a college degree in order to have a better life style,job, etc etc.Not everything is going be easy,but keep trying and it will pay off in the end, God Bless

Patricia - posted on 01/15/2010

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I guess I am lucky my 20 year old daughter is doing well in collage but she has had to get scholerships and grants to go, so she knows that in order to get her education she has to work at keeping her grades up. And I kept telling her from grade school on that if she wanted to have a better life she needed to have to get good grades to get good scholerships to go to collage as I could not afford to pay for it.

Denise - posted on 01/14/2010

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Honey, she's an adult - you can't force her to pass her classes. SHe will learn that it will be a very expensive lesson if she has to keep taking the same classes over and over again. If she wants to go to school so bad but doesn't want to put in the effort - don't pay for her classes anymore. Why are you throwing your money away? She can work, can't she? Make her start paying her own way or she can drop out.
I have twin boys in college - they live at home, but they pay their own way for school by working.

Deanna - posted on 01/12/2010

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Sounds like she either has to much on her plate or too much fun. You need to find out what the real issue is then you can work on it. My oldest worked full time and went to school my youngest works part time and goes to school for industrial engineerin. I know he has tough classes so we remind him when it comes time to select classes not to take on more then he can honestly do with giving them all 100 percent. I would rather it take an extra semester with a passin grade then to complete in 4 years and fail half the classes.

De Arya - posted on 01/12/2010

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If a college student drops out of a class due to irresponsibility it is time to stay firm. Most kids are not good in all areas of study. They may do well in math and struggle with English or vice versa. Many students need to retake a few classes during college. The best solution if a student is struggling is to drop and not get the bad grade on their transcripts but to talk to the instructor and ask to stay in the class or audit so they are prepared when they retake the class. Getting through college is not just ability but also persistence in getting through no matter what life throws your way. I am not speaking about the student who sees college as a social connection or rather party than go to class, but the student who is putting in their best effort and still struggling. My husband is an engineer and had to retake 2 classes, I had to retake 2 classes in computer science. Yet we paid our own way. It is hard for parents who did not attend college to understand some of the difficulties faced by the college student. What is very important is their overall GPA not just one or two classes. Part of the college experience is about learning how to become an adult and they do not all figure it out right away. They will stumble as they learn. If they need to take a few classes to shore up where they are weak over the summer that is also a good alternative to learn how to over come obstacles. Many colleges require that a student either live with their parents the first year or be in the dorms where there is some supervision. The college my son attends require it for the first two years to help with the transition from parents house to independent adult.
I do appreciate your concern and I would have also talked to my kid about what happened and stressed the consequences of their choice. Generally an intro English class if you put in a good effort and turn in your assignments you should pass. I would find out why she did what she did, her answer would determine my decision. She needs to understand college is not high school. There is a lot more work involved and no one is going to hold her hand her success or failure is completely up to her. Get some numbers. Most kids who drop out do so freshman year. Some sophomore year if they get to junior year they generally will graduate. I do believe of the kids that start college only 10% graduate. That may have changed since I last checked, but it explains why it is such a celebration when they do graduate.

Sheila - posted on 01/11/2010

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I would let her know how I felt and tell her she needs to think really hard in what she wants in life. If she really wants to be a teacher she needs to get back into her English class and button down and get started on it again. SHe needs it for her teaching degree. If she doesn't want to do it anymore then she needs to find something she wants to do and maybe some of the classes she has already taken can apply to the new thing.

[deleted account]

Shari your issue is a topic all on it's own. Been there with my son, still there, wish I could change that.

Kelly - posted on 01/10/2010

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Christie - you don't say how old your daughter is, but based on the assumption she went to college right out of high school, I wonder if she's ready to make such a commitment. I had absolutely no idea what direction I wanted to head after high school. You are right to tell her that you refuse to pay for school any longer if she fails any classes, and you need to be serious and follow through on that. We as parents want our children to succeed and will make sacrifices to see them through, but the child has to want it bad enough otherwise it's a waste of their time and your money. Maybe she needs to take some time off, earn some college money and put herself through school.

[deleted account]

Tell your daughter what I told mine. You NEED a degree today, there is no choice and you need to have fun but you can do both. If you are not doing well in a class reach out for help. A woman in particular needs a degree to establish their independence because even if he is prince charming he could get hit by a car, or any number of things and a woman without a degree is going to be earning min wage. Tell her that there is plenty of time to party and that if she doesn't pass her classes you will not sign anymore parent plus loans and she is going to have to find a way to make up the difference. Worked in my house.

Tammy - posted on 01/10/2010

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She can always take the class over, but have her pay for it, maybe than she will step up to the plate and get her butt in gear!

Mary - posted on 01/10/2010

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Stop paying! Let her have the consequence of her choices. The best teacher I know is consequences. Some kids need to flounder around for a period of time. Tell her when she is committed to the goal of college you will talk again about helping her. Make a contract with her make her sign it. Only do for her what she follows through with.

[deleted account]

Christie, I could not read all the posts, so I hope I am not repeating myself, but as parents we always want was is best for our children, so we push them to go onto college. College is not for everybody. Some students struggle with it more than others. I have two kids in college. One is doing great and the other has had his struggles. My son went to a very good small private 4-year college, and after 3 semesters, I don't think he had a 2.0. He is a very smart person, but lacks good study habits, and has an addiction to playing games online. For the most part, he was paying for everything himself because we really couldn't. He moved back home and attended a community college, where he did a lot better, but still wasn't applying himself. He took about 8 months off from school and had to work because he had his own expenses. He is currently attending another 4 year college. Schools understand that the 1st year can be tough for some, so he has been given a second chance. My son did good his 1st semester there, but still doesn't apply himself. He also works, so I try to weigh that in with how he does. He has mentioned that he is tired of going to school. I can only support any decision he makes, but also try to offer him advice. He has about 1-1/2 years to go to get his Bachelor's. I have told him that if he wants to take a break he can, but he will have to work because he will have to start repaying his student loans. I also have mentioned that if he doesn't get a degree he may be stuck with those lower paying jobs like retail, which he would rather not do. I guess making him more aware of what real life is like, pushes him to try to finish his college. That is all you can do. I do find that making your kids responsible for paying their own way through college, makes them more apt to try harder because it is their own money they are throwing away. Good luck.

Barbara - posted on 01/09/2010

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Is she paying for any or all of her college expenses? That is what has worked for my family. My children who were/are responsible for all of their college expenses took/take to heart going to class, getting work in on time, and passing those classes. My son who is my youngest stated "Mom, I'm paying for this do you think I'm gonna miss a day or fail a class then have to pay to take it over again?" He convinced me that he means business about getting his degree and staying on task......and he doesn't have the easiest time studying w/a learning disability either.

Vicki - posted on 01/08/2010

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You tell her she has four years to get a degree. After 4 years - she pays the bills. Ask her if she would want a doctor doing brain surgery on her who flunked. I certainly do not want a teacher who flunked teaching my kids......

Joanne - posted on 01/08/2010

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Actually after putting 3 kids thru college, I think Shelly's idea of paying for a 3.0 or better and a sliding scale for lower GPA's is a good suggestion. But again it still goes back to my original point... You have to hold them accountable for what they do.

Joann - posted on 01/07/2010

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first off Kudos to Kim & Dede for their suggestions to you Christy....but here's another question for you to ask your daughter how much does she want to be a teacher??? because you can't get a teaching degree w/o passing english (point blank). with that if she truly wants to be a teacher then she's going to need some motivation or tutor (maybe both) you maybe the motivation/encouragement she's lacking/ needing. Also have her do a pro/con list on getting that degree & if it would be worth it to her...and if it is then she'll take to course again.

Joanne - posted on 01/07/2010

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well you need to stand your ground. We did the same thing. I'll pay for tuition but I don't pay for "do-overs". When my son failed his micrbiology, he had to take it over in the summer, pay for it himself plus work evenings to still get his summer income. You must hold them responsible for what they do. He never failed another class.

Betty - posted on 11/26/2009

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I told my daughter if she does not pass all of her classes, she will not be able to continue onto the next semester. She is doing good. There have been a few students in her class that drop a course and they know it will take them longer to finish school. If a child is serious about moving on, they need to pull up their socks and try harder.

SUSAN - posted on 11/25/2009

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My son just drop psychology because he was failing it. We asked him if the class load was too much. He had 4 classes. We all agreed that for next semister, he will only take 3 classes. Also, we told him he would be paying half the tuition if he failed, or dropped any more classes. Maybe, this will work for you as well. Good luck. Know you are not alone with this.Other parents are going through the same thing. See if our approach to this problem helps you.

Rose - posted on 11/16/2009

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Have her take out student loans. Make an agreement to have a certain GPA at graduation and you will pay the loans off, if she does not meet that GPA she is stuck paying the loans back.

Nikki - posted on 11/15/2009

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Also see if the college has a student life mentor. She maybe having trouble adjustiing to college life period. My daughter flunked the first semester due to adjusting issues. The school assigned her an academic counselor and a student life counselor. Both of which she had to report to every week. After a few weeks my daughter was back to the student she was in high school only better. Only child, very sheltered she was in a sea of many emotions, choices and decisions. Although we think we prepare them for life sometimes it is better if we have an outside guide who is an expert on how to enhance their first independence experience.



Let your daughter know that a few missed classes can set her back a year!

Schelly - posted on 11/12/2009

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With our kids (both completely different) we agreed to pay their tuition, room and board if they kept their GPA at a 3.0 or above. There was a sliding scale for GPAs between 2.0 and 2.9 with them paying a bigger percentage and the GPA got lower. The oldest ended up paying for 2 semesters on his own, and buckled down after that to get the grades and the degree. The youngest is in her first semester and hopefully will do better (after seeing her brother's experiences). Will let you know in Dec. when grades come out. :-)

Michelle - posted on 11/10/2009

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If she wants to be a teacher, most programs require you to have a B or better in all classes... if she fails she can always take it again, which is what I am stressing to my daughter who is bombing Biology... the thought of taking a class again that she hates is making her motivated. Have her talk to someone who is a teacher or to an advisor to find out what she will need to do.

Anne - posted on 11/06/2009

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I agree with the moms who have responded. Our oldest will be 26 Dec. 27th. When she stared college many moons ago we told her we would pay for her classes and she had to pay for her books. We would do this as long as she got at least a solid B in all of her classes. One semester she decided that closing the bar and not going to her 8 A M class was the thing to do. We reminded her twice that if she got less than a B in the class we were finished paying for her classes. She did get a B- on one class and dropped another. We STOPPED paying for her college. She ended up not going back to school but got a job in an Accounting Firm as a Receptionist, and all around go fer. She did this one school year and during tax season decided she would rather go back to school.
the next school year she went out of state to Johnson and Wales University in NC. She paid for 90% of her classes and this spring graduated with a Bachelors degree in Food Service and an associates in Culinary Arts, with honors in each discipline. I have told you this to say that she may not be ready for college and may be a year off working in the real world in something else might help her get focused. I hope this has helped. Hang in there if you are a Praying mom keep it up, she will make it.

[deleted account]

She probably needs to really explore what she wants. It is hard to get teaching jobs. I know my state puts strick regulations on who gets a teaching license. Also colleges usually have standards. The school she is attending may give her walking papers if she
doesn't keep her grades up. Would she want to explain the embarrising "I flunked out'
to potential employers or even friends, family and others? I hope she can see the errors of her ways. I know you can guide her.

Christie - posted on 11/02/2009

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Thanks SOOO much to all of you who have replied to my question. As awful as it sounds, it's kind of nice to know that we are not the only ones with this issue.

Christine - posted on 11/02/2009

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This is tough. I have an 18yr old in a local university, she is not failing or dropping classes but not applying her self either. I think it would be better if she was financially responsible but as long as I am paying she is coasting along. No real motivation to make it better beacause if she does poorly in a class I pay for her to re take it. Not much help but you are not alone :0

Kathy - posted on 11/01/2009

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I would have a serious discussion about why she was failing the class. If possible, she should retake it. It is easy to become overwhelmed with homework, etc. Maybe it was a class she needed to take with a smaller workload or during the summer. I think as long as it doesn't become a pattern and she retakes the class, you're ok.

Wendy - posted on 10/31/2009

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Some colleges offer career counseling...maybe someone else to speak with her (not you) to offer advice, and hopefully she'll listen. My son did not do well in his first year of college, and found it hard to raise his GPA, and now he realizes the importance of passing. Some colleges offer "forgiveness" for failing grades in the first year, check it out. Give it some time....

Dede - posted on 10/29/2009

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I agree with Kim 100%, because my oldest daughter is 19 and although she has not dropped out of school; she goes to a comm. college and struggle through some of her classes. She lives on her own and seem more interested in working. I continue to try and encourage her to get a 4 year degree. Then I have a 10 year old scholar who already have her sights on going to Harvard. So, I think you have to just keep the faith along with being a little patient with her as she find her rightful place.

Best wishes,

Dede

[deleted account]

Hi Christy, All children are different. My daughter is now 21 and has been in and out of college since she was 17 years old. She went away and I had to bring her home after 1 semester due to failing. She now goes to a community college and has dropped, withdrawn from classes. I asked her if she plans to be a career college student. I stopped paying for classes and books years ago but my ex husband continued to pay. He has recently decided to stop paying after this semester. On the other hand she's been working a job for going on 2 years and really has no other behavioral issues that I am majorly concerned about. I say that they shouldn't be made to go unless they are willing to go and produce some results. We have lost thousands upon thousands of dollars. On the other hand I have an 18 year old who is a freshman at Princeton University who is very motivated to get good grades but not very interested in employment. Bottom line is that they have to really be motivated. She may just need to work for a while and pay rent and see just how little you can afford without a college education. Good Luck

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