I kicked my 19 year old out, tough love is so hard! Why do I already regret it??

Julie - posted on 04/09/2013

I have a 19 yo son who is also goes to a local community college. We aren't speaking - when he is home he is sleeping or locking himself in his bedroom playing on his PS3 - or computer. He knows we don't have a lot of money he gets a check from my VA benefits, but he's changed so much I don't know how to deal with him. I have a lot guilt because my ex just dropped out of site, and I had a pretty bad childhood that I do not want to repeat. I don't know how to talk to him, but I'm gettiing really depressed. I did not want my life to be like this at my age - I really want him to move out and I know he will soon, he does not help out around the house, and I don't feel like cleaning because I'm not the maid. I feel his friends are taking advantage of him because he's the only one with a car. I need some help - I havee a great therapist but I would like information from other moms who are going thru this same thing. I know I will miss him when he moves out, but I really don't want our relationship to go on like this - I am so miserable I can't sleep - I don't want to eat or clean or anything. I don't have much of a life. Any suggestions?

Brenda - posted on 03/16/2013

I have seen this site and I have read many of the situations that parents ahve gone through. My 19 year old daughter left home about a month ago. She was always the "good girl." We own our own business, and she worked with us quite a bit. She always complained that we never paid her for the work that she did. We paid her cell phone bill every month faitfully, and bought her anything that she needed ( within reason for our income) . She met a 24 year old through some friends. I never really knew this guy, but didn't appreciate the age difference from the beginning. I found out probably 2 months after they were dating , that this guy was thrown in jail because he had been previously married and has a child that he refused to pay child support for. What a loser, right? Well, not for my daughter. This didn't phase her, because "she loves him."My daughter has been very disrespectful at times throughout the teenage years but meeting this guy made her a person that I didn't even recognize anymore. The constant texting on her cell phone to him, and if she wasn't on the phone with him she was with him at his place of employment. I didn't allow her to go to parties or to be out late at night, unless she was accompanied by an adult other than him. I was screamed at that I never let her do anything....The breaking point was Valentines day last month. She had visited him at his job, and called home to ask if he could stop by for a few minutes to visit. Well, CValentines day is my anniversary and I wanted to spend the day with family and my husband. He had a fit and pressured her to keep asking if he could spend the night. The answer was obviously "no." I do not promote sexual interaction in my home between my daughter and this loser. So, an argument broke out netween myself and my daughter that screamed " YOu never let me do anything...and what's wrong with him staying the night." The argument quickly escalated between us , and then my husband became involved. My husband has always been "the nice guy," and we argued over her boyfriend coming to my house. The argument was horrible , and almost ended my marriage when I said ok , let her do as she pleases , I will leave and that will be that. Now, my daughter had already planned at this point, ha...my parenst are fighting and now Im going to my girlfriends house. She sat on my hallway stairs and listened to the horrrible fight between her dad and myself and never tried to stop it. I think that it was planned to get the pressure of herself. So, she left for the night and things were still tense in my home...my husband and I never even said a word to each other. She came back the next day , and her dad said you should really talk to your mom and try to put things right. Well, she sat on my couch , and never said "im sorry "....nothing. So as she went to leave to go back to her girlfriends, I had had enough. I told her thank you for starting an argument to benefit herself , and when she left she should take all of her belongings because I was tired of the arguing over this boyfriend and the disrespect she had shown her parents calling us horrible names . She left and is now living with her boyfriend. I have not talked to her since Valentines day. The boyfriends family makes quite a deal more money than what my husband and I do, and Ims ure taht she was enticed by the money, and her new found freedom. The whole situation has casued many many sleepless nights , and many days of orrying becasue she is my daughter. She was never this way without her boyfriend or his familys' influence, and Im totally ashamed of the person that she has become. I feel guitly with the things that I siad to her that day especially telling her not to come back home. But, when does a parent have rights? I have house rules that all of my children are expected to follow . We also have a 16 year old daughter and a 13 year old son, which have siad many times that they are glad that she isnt here anymore becuse she was verbally and hysically abusive to them as well. I am trying to be strong through all of this, but the pain that I feel is a pain that I have never felt before and its excruciating to not see her or hear her voice. Everyone tells me that she needs a dose of reality, and that she needs to grow up and learn what life is. She needs to fall hard before she can appreciate her parents and be the daughter that she once was. The worst part of this whole thing is the harassment from the bf's parents and hearing them say that she is so responsible and sucha good gril. Are they serious? No one can see the pain that she's casued to her own parents? I live day by day and try to show the 2 kids remaining in my home the extra love and attention to try to get them through this too. Was I wrong to ask her to leave? When will the pain subside ?

Cassia - posted on 01/04/2013

Im having the same issue. She's in college and working. Comming in at 4am. Sleeping when she'she's. Home. I'm a single mom trying to make it. So when I ask for a little help she leaves

Denise - posted on 12/28/2012

In my opinion you did the right thing . If she can not abide by your house rules , she needs to find somewhere else to live . Tough love . The real world is a harsh reality . Maybe she will understand what she had?

Shell - posted on 12/24/2012

Life Among the Savages is a disrespectful memoir of my children.
Shirley Jackson

Shell - posted on 12/24/2012

Some very nice parents have some very rude children. In fact, parents may be busy taking parenting courses and reading parenting books and doing everything in their power to learn how to be respectful and loving toward their kids. Their children, however, are not busy taking courses; they're just being "natural." When they feel upset or frustrated, they show it – by stamping their feet, yelling, crying, whining or employing any method of communication that gets the message across. In moments of intense frustration, some kids insult their parents: "You're so mean!" "I hate you!" "You don't know anything!" Some kids slam doors or phones. But what is natural and what is not? sometimes there are certain rules and them rules need to be obeyed,
I gave up my job as soon as i had her, because to me the first foundation is home.. I never worked up to now she is 21, im doing Pschologhy degree, My thinking was my chirdren, my responsibilty.
But now just feel as if all my efforts in trying to bring her up have just gone out of the window,

Shell - posted on 12/24/2012

I just had to kick my daugher out, she hit me because all she does is wake up and on the phone 24 seven. No respect in helping me in housework or even providing at least little in house, as she lives my home free and besides that she gets students loans and blows the money on God knows what. I was bought up with morals and very good principles . Unfortunetly kids these days are extremely rude no matter what you do for them they are ungrateful. I dont want my other ones to learn from her. Even i tried to be so patient, it was so hard that she would verbally use bad launguage towards me, at times i feel were did i go wrong? I bought her up with all my effort, stayed with her in hospital day and night because of her exma, helped her to fill in university forms, gave her all my attention , being a freind, mother siter ect. I really cant take anymore abuse from her so I am being strong now, if my father was alive he would have never excepted rude behaviour, but were are the morals gone these days? no its not always the parents to blame. Shame how the society is heading, I am totally shocked at her behaviour at being 21... thats adult not child. Let her learn the hard wau now, by payiong her own bills , food, perhaps that will mke her humble and reaslise the respect of parents!

Atlanta - posted on 12/05/2012

Thank you Fila mom. You are right. I respect other people's views but I don't agree with comments made that we should never kick children out. I had to do something and I tried everything else. She had zero respect for us and wouldn't blink an eye when breaking rules. Enabling bad choices and behavior is just not something I can do. While my children mean everything to me I still have my own identity. I have watched so many parents cover for their children and put up with situations they shouldn't and it always ends badly for the child because they aren't prepared for reality. I hope my daughter learns something. You are right chasing after her is probably what she wants so I am going to do nothing for awhile.

Fila - posted on 12/04/2012

Atlanta Mom, who knows what the right answer is with these kids today. What works for one doesn't work for the other. All I can say is stay strong and don't give in to temptation. As hard as we want to help we have to find restraint. I never called my daughter or answered her texts when she tried to reach out a few times. The less you give the more they want. It makes them appreciate more. in the beginning, I didn't even encourage her to stay over when she came to visit, even though we knew she would rather stay then have to drive back home to her grandparents house. I kept my distance and didn't act too excited when she come over. I needed for her to work at winning us back. She had to learn the value of the importance of family. We went places with her brother and we didn't ask her to come.



She never mentions her boyfriend and we never ask. As far as we are concerned, he doesn't exist. It would be nice if she got rid of the loser completely, but by not allowing any kind of contact or acknowledgement of their relationship, we are letting her know that he is not welcomed and does not have a place in our family. Now when my daughter does come to stay for a weekend about once a month, she spends time with her brother and the family and I can see she really does not want to go back, but has no choice. We make hard choices as parents and our kids won't get it till they got their own.

Atlanta - posted on 12/03/2012

Fila mom



Your response was very helpful. Thank you for sharing. We have a very similar situation. I just hope mine ends sooner rather than later. My daughter refuses to speak to me or her step father who raised her. It is very painful and very sad. This was the first Thanksgiving in 18 years we spent apart.

Fila - posted on 12/03/2012

I kicked my daughter out over 2 years ago in January of 2010. It was something that had come to a head and was bound to have happened.

I blame the boyfriend for brainwashing and poisoning my daughter's mind against us. Before she had met him, she was on her way to become a nurse.

She met him June of 2009 on a Carnival Cruise coming out of New York. I call it now the Devil's cruise. She was finished with school and was ready to take her exam to get her license.

It never happened. She spent all her free time that summer with him. Never opened up a book once to review for the exam. I even filled out the application and paid the registration fee for the test. All she cared about was being with him. Nothing else mattered. It quickly became obvious that he was obsessive, jealous and and very controlling. All he wanted was her to be with him in Brooklyn all the time. He called her constantly and if she did not answer his text or his calls, he would argue with her. He would call our house looking for her if she was downstairs watching TV with her brother and not responding to his calls. We tried to talk to her but she would yell at us "You can't tell me what to do — I'm 22 years old" "Leave me alone" "I can do what I wan't" She had changed since she met him. She no longer spent time with us and within a few months became a stranger in our house. We were the evil parents who tried to stop her relationship with her boyfriend. Nothing mattered. She never took her exam so I told her she had to get a job. I found her a job in Ruby Tuesday and told her that since she wants to be an adult, then she can start paying rent as an adult and pay me back for all the money we spent to put her through school.



I had hoped that this would be a wakeup call for her and that she would realize how hard it was to pay for rent on a waitress salary rather than to apply herself to pass her exam and find a job. Well needless to say, after meeting him in June of 2009, I kicked her out and she was forced to live with him in Brooklyn at his parents house. We no longer had contact with her. She hated me because I cancelled her cell phone (which she ran up a $600 phone bill because he called her constantly) and after a month we cancelled her car insurance and forced her to bring back her car. My daughter growing up at home was like most kids today — spoiled, selfish and clueless. She only had 2 jobs her whole life and we didn't force her to get a job because we wanted her school to be the priority to get good grades. I think I had enough when she showed us no respect, never talked to us, locked herself up in her room, never cleaned her room or her bathroom, no longer washed even a cup, ran out whenever she had a chance to her boyfriend's house for 2-3 days every week. My house had turned into a flop house for her to come and crash. So I was done.



We had one final blow up when she didn't come home and I called her and told her to get out of my house. That the gravy train was over and since she wanted to be with her boyfriend so much now she can be with him all the time. I told her to come and pick up her stuff when we weren't' home and never to come home again. I was so furious with her. The daughter that I loved and gave everything to didn't appreciate anything that we did for her. So she moved into her boyfriends house with his parents. We don't know what happened there, but I'm sure it was not the best environment. I heard that they fought constantly and that she was doing nothing with her life and at one point was working in a laundromat as a folder. I have no words to describe how I felt that she was giving up her future for this guy. After a few months, she moved out (I believe his parents were fed up with her sponging off of them and her tumultous relationship with her boyfriend) and moved in with her cousin. She never called us and asked to come home, except for once when her father called her and asked her to come home she said only if we never said anything to her and let her do what she wanted. Of course I would not allow her to control us any longer and said let her figure life on her own in that case. She lasted with her cousin a few months and by the summer she had moved in with her grandparents (my parents). Of course, I was furious that my parents had let her in because I felt that she needed to hit rock bottom and that she also needed to apologize to us for treating us the way she did before everyone in the family accepted her back with no consequences as to her actions. But they did, which did cause a family rift for about a year. I didn't talk to my daughter for a 1-1/2 years. No birthdays, Mothers Day, Christimas, New Years. They were probably the hardest times for us, but we worked through it and after a while we accepted the situation the way it was.



Until I finally came let go of the hurt and the anger that I had built up inside of me.



Today, we talk and my daughter does come to visit. But she lives full-time with her grandparents. Since she has been there my mother's health has deteriorated to the point where my daughter has become my mother's caregiver. She feels obligated to help her grandfather since he is the one who took her in. Does she lead a great life now? No, she has had to put her whole life on hold now for her grandparents. She confided in me that she has forgotten everything she learned in school and has no clue what to do with her future and that her living situation has made it difficult for her to have any kind of career right now. She cannot leave her grandparents, because her grandfather relies on her too much for everything. But in all of this, she has matured, and is the most sincerest and kind-hearted kid there is. My heart goes out to my daughter because I know now she has her regrets that she didn't listen to me and stick with school, but has also learned a valuable life lesson.



I don't know what the future holds for her, since she is still with her loser boyfriend. She doesn't bring him around to the family. When and how she sees him, I don't know. She barely sees him and is always at home at her grandparents house. She is no longer a child, and we did the best we could with her, but now the choices she made in her life is that path that she will have to go down on her own.



I still struggle with whether I made the right choice by throwing her out, at times I feel like it was her boyfriend who knew what buttons to push so that I would reach my limit and throw her out. Her father believes this was meant to be so she can be there for her grandparents and that she will find her way in life and the sacrifices she is making now has made her a more giving and compassionate person.

Atlanta - posted on 10/22/2012

Cheryl I am sorry for what you are going through. Sandra I was so happy to read your post and know that your daughter came out of this ok. i am struggling with the same situation. My daughter has it made here. We paid for her car and car insurance, provided her food etc. The only thing she had to do was go to school and get good grades. Well last semester she skipped some classes. she is seeing a guy we cant stand. He is very emotionally abusive. He tells her she is a liar and a cheater all the time. Her sister came home from college and we watched a movie as a family. When she didnt text him for 2 hours he went ballistic and made her cry. Teh guy is so crazy when he thought he was losing her he told her he has lukemia. He doesnt. Even though we cant stand the kid we let her see him on weekends our only rule was he couldnt be in our car. She was to see him and his house or meet him some where. We found out she has been using the car we pay for to run his errands and take him places he wants to go. She has been sneaking him into our house and sneaking out at night. She is very immature emotionally. There is a marked difference between her and her twin sister. The boy she is seeing is not here legally. To top it off i found out she is having sex with him. We kicked her out because she wont follow our rules. She puts this guy above everything else in her life. I found texts where she told him she hated me. There was another text where she told him i was going to do a room inspection because she is very messy. His response was if its not done to her satisfaction tell her to do it herself. thats the kind of person he is. So we kicked her out, took her car, took her phone, and canceled her car insurance. SHe is living with an aunt who will not put up with this type of behavior either. Hopefully she will realize how good she had it here and come back home a different person and minus him in her life.

Robin - posted on 10/22/2012

I think 19 is young. she should be told no more piercings. However she is an adult and may not comply. But she should be told she can come home. At 18 how we decide we are educated and career is what we do for the rest of our lives. Most people do the same thing they did at 18 or 19 years old. for example I was going to college at 19 and working in a factory and I am still working in a factory. The major she chose possibly wasn't the right one. College is hard. I know. some of the science and electronics classes I took were difficult. I changed my major many times. I got a two year degree and did not ever finish. She is still not mature you must understand that. The more you do not want her to see the dishwasher boy, the more she will want to see him. You should tell her to move back in and have a career test at the college she what her strong points are with math and science or reading. I know I have two teenagers who also are very lazy. Just pray for her prayer helps a lot. Children do not understand that an education is so important. The correct major is also important to choose. You must understand that what you and her decide now at 19, will set the foundation for the rest of her life.

Sandy - posted on 10/20/2012

I am so sorry to hear everyone is going through the same thing we are. My daughter is 27 years old and has been putting us through this for 8 years. She has had an awesome boyfriend for 7 months and we were so happy, but she is getting back in with her loser friends, and is starting to treat him really bad. I am afraid she is going to back slide, I pray for each of you who are going through this, becuase I know the misery, sadness, and pain it causes. I just wish there were a simple answer. May God Bless each of you.

Shirley M - posted on 10/18/2012

SGilmore

I have a similar problem...I am a grandmother of a 17 year old girl...she is very disrespectful...I can not say anything to her...because I do not know anything...I have had Jasmine since she was 4 yrs old...her mom was the same as Jasmine once she turned 15...the same as Jasmine...she had Jas when she was 17yrs old...i do not want the same pattern to happen again...but I see it coming...once you go through it you know what is going to happen...I sent Jas back to her mother when she turn 15 and she started to act up...they were doing ok until I got sick and had to come to live with my daughter and my granddaughter in her family...my granddaughter say the disrespect her mother had for me and start to imitate her and treat me the same way...I had a stroke and three heart attacks...that is why I came to live with my daughter because the doctor said I was not going to live...I should have went into a nursing home...I did get better and went to live in a senior home...I was away from them for 6 months when my daughter called and said my granddaughter had ran away from home...I had not been in touch with my granddaughter and on saw my daughter every now and than...so I did not have anything to do with her running away...my daughter was gone for 2 days...my daughter had the police looking for her...I had given my granddaughter a cell phone...so I was able to track her on line calls and let everyone who she had call and everyone who called her know that the police was looking for her...friends of her was calling me afraid stating that she was not with them...I let them know that I know when she last talked to them...and I had also tracked their address where they lived from their telephone number on line...and hour later she calls me and stated she was afraid to go home and if she could come to my house...of course I was concerned for her safety and told her to come...I wanted to make sure she was ok...her mother was very angry and put her out...so there I was stuck again with my granddaughter who promised she had changed and that she understood...I was sick and that she was going to behave and that she did not want to go back to her mother...I moved from my senior home into a townhouse with Jas who is very disrespectful was expelled from school and started to hang out all night and days in the street with out me knowing where she is...she has joined job corp and is about to be put out of it...she only want to hang out...so far I have not seen her high or drinking...but I seem to be stuck...her mother says you took her back I do not want her...now what do I do...? very sad...love my granddaughter but do not want to get sick again...

Tina Marie - posted on 10/06/2012

Mother Pray For These Mislead Teens! I'm going through the same thing my beautiful son graduated from high school at age 17 went to Everest College graduated for pharmacy tech started going out with the wrong crowd found out he was dealing weed we flushed it he hates us for doing that he tried

to fight his father we put him out an hour later he lost his's on ecstacy, weed, mollies and drinks

he's thrown away all that he's achieved I'm trying to get him in rehab, Mother To Mother I Know This HurtsYet Pray For Strength! Try All That You Can Before Giving Up!!! Hey To That Person Who Said We Wrong For Kicking Our 18 or !9 Year Old Out, Are We Suppose To Let The Law Bust Down Our Door And Take The Whole family To Jail? This Kid Cannot Sell Drugs From My House Or Around Me Sometimes TOUGH LOVE MEANS LETTING GO!!!

Tina Marie - posted on 10/06/2012

Mother Pray For Her I'm going through the same thing my beautiful son graduated from high school at age 17 went to Everest College graduated for pharmacy tech started going out with the wrong crowd found out he was dealing weed we flushed it he hates us for doing that he tried

to fight his father we put him out an hour later he lost his's on ecstacy, weed, mollies and drinks

he's thrown away all that he's achieved I'm trying to get him in rehab, Mother To Mother I Know This HurtsYet Pray For Strength! Try All That You Can Before Giving Up!!!

Diana - posted on 10/01/2012

Hello



How sad for you! I know how u feel, recently kicked my daughter out for 3 weeks. Things are getting better but still some anger issues. She broke up with her controlling, unrespectful boyfriend this past weekend. ?She realized he was hurting her future. So glad to have her back as she is only 16 years old but really left me no choice at the time. She is seeing a psy doctor on a regular basis and has a few good friends. The more u put down her boyfriend, the more she'll run to him. Perhaps she does need to leave for a bit to get a taste of reality. If u do give her money don't give her more than $20 at a time. If she is on welfare don't give her anything unless u buy it with her. ie winter jacket, boots etc....

Don't enable hher but be there to talk.

JonDoe - posted on 09/27/2012

i dont agree atall, kicking a teenager out can be worse for them in the long run. it can and will have a big effect on there lives.i think parents in todays society follow fashion and because theyve heard of teens being kicked out so much they think its normal. going back 30 years parents would feel ashamed for people to know they kicked there kid out on the street to fend for themselves. the world is a dangerous place and life is too short. your kids should be the most important things in life to you.

Michelle - posted on 08/28/2012

It sounds like you did the right thing. Don't ask her to come home but let her know that the door is always open if she is ready to follow your rules.

Michelle - posted on 08/28/2012

It sounds like you did the right thing. Don't ask her to come home but let her know that the door is always open if she is ready to follow your rules.

Nina - posted on 08/21/2012

Wow, sorry Cheryl. I see motherhood as a life-time occupation that is then linked to being a grand parent and great great grandparent. Where the family is supportive of other family members and the unit as a whole moves forward. Upbringing provides a way of developing respect and concern for each member so that use and abuse issues do not occur in adulthood. Thus, I would disagree with kicking your daughter out of her family house, since for me, my home and all that I am working for will be passed down to my children and they will benefit from my labour, as do my parents benefit in their old age where they are looked after by the following generation and the grand children. This way the circle of life has stages and phases and we can say that we truly have a family.

It sounds like your daughter was rebelling against authority. This is what most teenagers do. However, it is very unfortunate that now they can get tatoos and piercings and disfigure their bodies. We have all been there though, when we rebelled against the authority of our parents, to a greater or lesser extent. Perhaps you daughter needed to be sent to a bootcamp or have counselling or both. Such a fragile stage of development, the teenage years. Poor things need more sleep and usually they try to stay up, their bodies are adjusting to adulthood, their brain is developing in new ways, they are forming a sense of self and permanent personality traits. This process continues into mid 20s. They are essentially still children, beings in transition, beings that think they are adults and yet they need to develop so much more and have so much more to learn about the world.

I don't have answers for you. We have done it differently and have not had the same issues.

Vawny (Siobhan) - posted on 06/18/2012

Been there! Not exactly the same situation, probably worse in some ways. Here's what I'd do differently--rather than reminding her of “The Deal” I'd have set the boundary by saying, “This is the rule. You're aware of it--we've agreed to it. Should you choose to break it, here's the consequence--you move out. Got it?”



She pushed it because she could--telling her "You know the rules.." does virtually nothing. You basically taught her to break it by not following through. Good for you for finally doing it! Again, what I'd do differently is that I wouldn't make the decision out of anger, (never a good way to make a major decision and most likely that's the biggest reason you're feeling guilty). I’d set the rule/boundary and take swift action as soon as she breaks it. If moving out feels to drastic, come up with another ENFORCIBLE consequence—one that doesn’t cause the Family to suffer. If it’s too much for you to enforce, it’s not a good consequence. SHE needs to feel the pain of breaking the rule. Everyone else in the house shouldn't have to change there life in order for her to suffer her "consequence."



Take it from here by following through with the other kids from now on. You're daughter's learning a valuable lesson, albeit a painful one. But your other children are less likely to need such drastic consequences if they "Get It" now in terms of your follow through.



If you're truly feeling like you've made a mistake, don't make another one by simply allowing her back in the house. She knows exactly how to "play" you guys and she'll play on your guilt big time. She'll also lose more and more respect for you each time you DON'T follow through OR you go back on your decision by saying "Oh you can move back in--never mind. But this time you'd better listen!" You're creating a monster by doing that and you'll be ten times more angry when she breaks another "Rule." And you know what else? It's not even her fault at that point. You're actually TEACHING this to her!



You and your husband should sit down and discuss at length exactly what the boundaries and consequences for breaking them should be for your daughter. WAIT until she comes to you though (PLEASE) when she's feeling vulnerable. Trust me it'll happen... And then you and your spouse should arrange a time to calmly sit and discuss the boundaries and consequences you've come up with. Tell her you're willing to have her come back, after all you love her and never wanted her to leave in the first place, (don't explain why the behaviors aren't ok with you right now, it’ll only distract you and she’ll have a way to manipulate—stick to the task at hand). Tell her that she's welcome in your home, but everyone inthe house has to abide by and respect your rules--it's a choice that no one's forcing on her. She can come back and live by them or not.



KEY: Now, DON'T freak out on her if she doesn't jump on it--give her time to see just how bad it is with this guy--I promise it won't take that long IF you don't do the typical lecturing, pleading, yelling, etc..., and inadvertently take the heat off of him. But do treat her with respect. Tell her you KNOW she'll make the right decisions that you believe in her and you know she has values. In the meantime, you're there for her if she'd like to talk. Period.



Should you decide to let her back in, you absolutely MUST SWIFTLY enforce your

boundaries/consequences when and if she breaks them. She will test you--let her. Show her you mean business and she'll respond. If you don't do this, she'll flounder just like you are with her--Role model what it is to say what you mean and mean what you say. She desperately needs this from you so that she too can learn to set boundaries with others in HER life--like the BOYFRIEND!!



Good luck to you--I feel your pain, and I know this works if you work it. Don't be afraid to get help from a Family Systems Counselor!!

Karen - posted on 06/12/2012

hello i have a daughter of nineteen and she is terrible she treats me with no respect at all and it is all about her .we got her a car paid for the insturance and so on and all she does is take take take she is actually making my life a living night mare . When i read about your daughter i can completly understand and i wish i was strong enough to ask her to move out because i think that is the only time that they will grow up and show any respect please do not be hard on yourself it would only have got worse. as you know she had no respect for you otherwise she would not have carried on having piercing and tatto . please always remember you have done your best and one day she will realise that more then mine, i have a battle to fight through. good luck and stay strong .

Lisa - posted on 04/28/2012

Hi Kathleen, This sounds all too familar! There are some serious patterns happening here with your son. here are some hard things you may need to do, especially if it is only you parenting...You can take away his key to the house and tell him on schoool nights the house is going to be locked at midnight. You can tell him that he needs to contribute to house hold responsibilities since he can't pay rent. If he doesn't help out...HE's OUT! It's hard to do tough love, but you are going to pay the price the other way it's been going!!!

Kathleen - posted on 04/28/2012

Tough love is indeed a challenge, to say the very least! Do I really kick my son out? I just threatened to kick out my 19 year old son, and wonder if there is any other solution to my issues with him. He went to college last year and spent more time NOT going to class than actually going. He earned only about 12 credits last year, when the average is 30. He came home from university and is now attending community college, where he swore he would work hard in order to transfer to a better school once he got good grades locally. Well, the semester is almost over and although he had signed up for 15 credits, he has dropped 3 of them months ago. Now he is not guaranteed to earn the remaining 12 credits because he goes out late every school night, sleeps late and is late for 12:30 classes every day. (after dropping his one morning class, we all thought he'd at least make it to his classes after noon.) He is not doing the assignments, and is barely skating by. He had a big paper due on Wednesday and asked his prof on Wednesday morning (by email) if he could hand it in late. She gave him an extension and told him to hand it in on Friday. Well, that was yesterday, and still he has not started the paper. He promises to do it tomorrow (Sunday) and hand it in on Monday. Not likely, since he will prob sleep late again. I have told him to get a p/t job for months, but he has still not done so. I also ask him to do a few basic chores around the house, and he refuses. So, I've got a kid who goes out at night, sleeps through afternoon classes (or barely makes it on time), does hardly any of the assignments, does not have a p/t job and doesn't lift a finger around the house. He constantly says 'sorry' and promises to step up with regards to school, but nothing changes. He also constantly promises to get a p/t job, but the promises mean nothing, since months have passed and he has still not looked. He even refuses to empty his garbage can, saying that it is his room and not my business. (of course I don't empty it, but it is disgusting). Yesterday he told me he was going to the library to do the paper, and would then visit a few local places to apply for a job. Well, when he came home later, it turns out that he did NOT go to library or look for job. Instead he went out with friends and came in late at night. Promised to do everything today, from job hunting, to emptying garbage, to doing paper. But instead he is now out, and the weekend is almost over. Promises to have paper done by six tomorrow night (Sunday). Promises to hand in paper on Monday and immediately get job hunting. He has said this for months. So I do not know what to do. I finally did the unthinkable last night and told him he was out on the streets if he does not comply. Monday will be here very shortly. Do I follow through with my threats? Or is it too drastic? How do I motivate and/or COMPEL him to step up and do the basics in school, in addition to helping around here and working p/t? I am absolutely at wits end, and completely lost. Many thanks to anyone who can read through my frustrated ramblings and offer a suggestion or two!

Sandra - posted on 04/26/2012

Hi Cheryl this is Sandra again.
I posted a couple years ago about throwing my daughter out too.
I am so glad I did. She was 18 @ the time and she thought he boyfriend was the next best thing to sliced bread.
Well two years later and a lot of sleepless night and a lot of tears she finally realized who in her life is important.
I thought I was setting her to fail but in reality you are teaching them lifelong lessons that stick with them as adults.
I am the one that kicked her out 4 days before Christmas because I over heard her say she hated me. I was crushed to think my only child hated me. So if that was the case then why do any one more for this child. So I told her to get out. Now a little side note. She is very spoiled, car, cell phone, insurance, clothes, food, a very nice clean house, her own part of the house, hair supplies, you get the picture.
She went to a filthy mobile home. Chickens in the front, cows and horses in the back, dogs everywhere, Drunk Parents, Parents that fought constantly over money, beer in the fridge. Parents smoking pot and growing it in the back yard, Fleas, One bathroom, doing dishes, Rationing food, buying food, not any fabric softener for her to use at her convince. She took her own money that she worked for and rented a steam machine to clean their carpets and never got a thank you. Not to mention all the boyfriends’ friends coming over whenever and entertaining him and not her. Believe me when I say they do come home eventually. It is when they realize what kind of mess they themselves have gotten themselves into.
I painted her room the day after she left. It took my husband and me 4 days to get it straight. I put all my bed spreads and clean sheets on her bed. Fill the closet with all my extra clean bath towels and waited for her to see the difference. He took all her money; she was broke all the time. When she called on the phone I didn’t jump and answer it right away. I waited till she called back a few times so I knew she really would talk in nice manner because the conversation wouldn’t take place. I knew she was testing the muddy waters. She finally called and told me she wanted to come home but didn’t want rules. So I told her to go live with an other girl friend. She did, I went on vacation, and went on with my life like it didn’t bother me at all what she was doing. Birthdays went I never called her. Mothers days came she never called me. But that friend got pregnant and my daughter saw what really could have happened to her and she then came home. She was about 25 under weight and very skinny. Very sickly looking. But I had to let her see herself that way. I had to let other friends of hers tell her she needed to go back home.
Today she is totally different person. We now laugh, cry, do things, talk, everything. We talk bothered what was bothering her. She is now dating the next door neighbor. Very nice kid he has been under her radar for since they were both little.
So please these parents that are wondering if they are doing the right thing by slamming the door and letting them find their way. In my case I feel I did the absolute right thing. They have to learn to pick themselves up. We as parents when they fall and scrap their knees we instinctively brush off the gravels and wipe the dirt off and with our own spit us clean them off. They have to fall a clean themselves off in order to learn what to do. Let them make mistakes in order to learn. But the most important thing here is. Don’t let them know it’s killing you inside. They want you miserable because they are deep down inside. Kids want us (parents) proud of them. But they have to find this out on their own because they just won’t listen to adults. I know now with this expereience my Megan will be a mom that will love her children in the future. I hope she has twin girls.

Kelly - posted on 04/25/2012

Dear Cheryl,
You know, seeing all the good that has come of "your" decision, it sounds to me like it was really she who was on the fence, not knowing whether you would approve of her moving out, and her misbehavior was a way for her to force your hand so she didn't have to be the one to make the choice to move out. As manipulative as that sounds, it's probably about right developmentally, and it seems like she is rising to the occasion. You know this relationship she's in is not going to last forever, but that doesn't mean she can't think it will for now, and learn from the experience so that her choices in the future may be different. She sounds like a "helper" at her heart, and even though her original goals have been side tracked, perhaps the detour may just lead her down the path she is meant to go. I think we all have dreams about what our children will be like when they grow up, and in retrospect, it seems to me that this was maybe a crisis of transition, not character - and if we never expect anything else, we can all safely assume that the years between 18 and 21 are going to be transitional. You have a lot to be thankful for. She sounds like a really good person with a really big heart. Good luck to all of you.

Brenda - posted on 03/27/2012

First of all you have to realize that your daughter is an"Adult" , you have spent the last 18 years preparing her for adulthood at this point what she chooses to do with it is not your fault. It seems to me that she does not have alot of respect for you or she would respect your rules and your boundries. Also I understand that you have other children "AT Home" that you have to set a certain standard for and if your older daughter is breaking rules that go against your Standard for your other children , you have to set the example for them because they are watching how you deal and react to her bad choices. I understand that you regreat throwing her out because she moved in with the boyfriend but you can't let her stay in your home and continue to break your rules. Maybe if she gets a taste of "Real Life" she might be more apt to go back to college. Maybe at a later date when she's had enough , If that ever happens then you can 1. invite her back to your house to finish school (providing she can follow your house rules) or 2. offer to help her pay for some college classes while she is living with the boyfriend. If she comes home the first time she violated your "Rules" she would be out period. You set have to set the standard and "Mean what you say" ,Say what you Mean", or she will never take you serious . I think that she see's you as a push over. I come from a family of users and if you don't set the Standard it's an endless cycle your daughter has to want better for her. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. Hang in there Momma , you can do it! I know it's hard 1 :)

Terrie - posted on 03/26/2012

well i am dealing with somewhat the same situation with my 18 year old (who will be 19 in June) He went to live with my sister when he was 17 to attend an alternative school, to catch up do to the lack of passing for two years. Long story short, the school lost funding and closed, so he went to the regular high school, but once again starting failing out of school. So eventually the principle kicked him out of school because he wasnt doing anything and thought him hanging around with young kids was going to get him into trouble.



It has been six months and he is fighting me over his GED that I paid for. He was diagnosesd with ADD as a child and wants to get a paper that allows him unlimited time to take the test. I was ok with it for a while until it came time to take the test and the dr had yet to fill in the paper. My son is very capable of taking the test and is wanting to wait until he gets back from vacation to sign it, but then he will have to wait till May to take it, then that will be put him six months away from going to the Online college he is wanting to go to. I am currently paying his phone bill and am getting nothing out of it. My sister babys him and gives him gas money and buys his clothes etc.

I told him today that if he dont show up for the test in the morning, with or without the paper, he is going to pay his own phone bill.

(ADVICE FOR YOU)

after reading your story on your daughter, I would say let her go ahead and work, and live with her boyfriend if thats what she wants to do. BUT if she wants money...not no but hell no untill she gets back in school. I am putting this down to my kid and damn it I am sticking to it. He want to try to make me feel guilty over his childhood, that his real dad left him and such but he has had a dad that took him on and supported him AT 18 so I dont want to hear excuses anymore.

Its getting them motivated to care about their future,and to do that..WE MUST LET THEM FAIL!

Kelly - posted on 07/06/2011

My name is Kelly Martin and I am a producer for The Bill Cunningham Show in NYC. We are doing an entire show on teens who are spiraling out of control. I think we can help you. We will have a panel of experts as well as after show care if you want. You can contact me at 212-419-7410 or at kmartin@billcunninghamshow.com

Judy - posted on 05/05/2011

I just had to do tough love with my son. One of the hardest things I have had to do and to remain firm and take a stand... Be strong... Let God speak to your heart.

Lisa - posted on 04/07/2011

Hi Sandra, I've been through HELL and back with my daughter who moved out at age 18 and told me and her father, "I'm done with you"! We took her back after disting us for 3 months. It such a long story, I'm putting it in a nutshell. So Now after we brought her back we have been through more HELL, stupid boyfriends, buying cell phones with boyfriends, boyfriends getting her to drop out of college, her not coming home for 2 days or so at a time, telling a women at church that she was homeless, cuz we asked her to pay $100.00 a month to live here. So now here it is after she moved in and out 3 times...she came back even after we told her ,"You leave agin, this time you will not be allowed back." So on May 31 2010 she cam crying back cuz she failed! Now we have delt with her NOT acepting her aceptance into a University which was being paid for by her grandparent(my dad) and a boyfriend who tried to comit suicide if she continued with college. The other day I called her 2 times at night and called and she wasn't home at 2:19am...she called the next day at 4:00pm and I told her, TAKE YOUR TEARS AND GO CRY TO SOMEONE ELSE "! I told her I tried to help her, get her enrolled in college, let her live here to get back on the right path etc... Sound familar. My daughter is 22 she will be 23 in May 2011 and is going nowhere back backwards. She has to pay $400.00 for both her and her BF cell phones which are in her name. She has lost jobs for rediculous reasons and is a thorn in my side. I am not a doormat! So I had to take her house key away. Everytime she has moved out, she has left with a few things and left everything behind...this has happened over 4 times and her 11 year old brother is getting really upset as well. The day she said she would watch him so I could attend a court hearing with her dad, she told me in the morning she wanted to go to Disneyland, and if I could call the court and change the time or day of the hearing. These kids are so spoiled and out of touch of reality!!!!!!!!

Sandra - posted on 04/07/2011

I too have a 19 yr old daughter that had it made here @ home. I paid for her cell, car and car insurance, food and medical insurance. She started college to become a police officer and went to a college already paid for, She was set and had nothing to worry about. She started running around with this boy and was and still is headed nowhere. She dropped out of college, got a tat on her foot in memory of my father of which neither one of would and would have never approved of. I threw her out over Christmas and her birthday and waited about a month and she wanted to come back home because didn't like over @ his parents house. The place was a pig sty and she used her oun money to steam clean their floors, which by the way would never lift a finger to anything in her own home without a knock down drag out fight. She quit school to because the mother of the boyfriend got her a job where she works. She got the job and then started trying to get her son there too. Well my daughter started Jan 10,2011 and the boyfriend started a month later. He made a comment to my daughter after the second day he wants to quit. He stayed until last week when both of them got fired.
No she is out over living over there. No money, No job, No cell, No insurance and she has a form of kidney disease, no car, no school. Just his family that are getting a divorce themselves. The mother called here the other night drunk on the phone asking what WE should do about my daughter running a fever. She was too drunk to take her to the hospital. My daughter hates me because I want her to see the grass isn't green over there the second time around. She left from over there because she hated and jumped right back into the frying panI set this child up to have a future as long as she kept a good head on her shoulders. Now I feel by taking everything away I set her up to fail. Tough love is very hard. I cry myself to sleep everynight but when she was here all she wanted was to be with him and treated me like crap. It was like she hated the sound of my voice. On his Facebook he is calling me names and all her teenage friends give him a thumbs up and that hurts because these so called friend of hers and egging her on it's like they are jealous of each other and want her to fail. They are not laughing with her they are laughing at her for throwing her education away. These other kids live @ home and are going to school and I'm the bad one? I don't get it. Why do I feel so guilty trying to make her see that it is a cold dark world out there without some kind of support. She had it all and threw it away over this kid that has no future at all the way he's going. I think he took her and brought her down to his level. How do I get her back and then back on the right track without him in the in the picture? PLEASE HELP advise needed

Jennen - posted on 10/19/2010

Cheryl I know how you feel. I have a 18 yr old son that I had to show some tough love to in June. He did not want t0 follow the rules or go to school. All I asked that he goes to school to get his G.E.D. I found out after two months of dropping him off at school that he was not even enrolled in school. I decided to go to the school to check on him and they said that they had no record of him being enrolled. I came home and asked him how was school today and he looked at me in my face and told a bald face lie. At that point I told him to pack his things and asked him where would he like for me to drop him off at. He thought I had lost my mind. But it was very hard for me to do because I love my son but at some point we have to show them tough love in order for them to understand some things about life. I recently let him come back home and now he understands what it is lke in the real world without mommy taking care of him. He starting a G.E.D. program and is following the rules. So do not feel bad she is old enough to handle it and I am sure when she figures out that you only want whats best for her she needs you she will come to you. It's all a part of growing and learning.

Terri - posted on 10/15/2010

I think you have to let her grow up. She knew the rules and pushed you to your limits. She made her bed now she has to lie in it. If things start going no where she will come back to you just let her know she can come back, but she will have to follow the rules under your roof. She might find out the grass is not always greener.

Sophie - posted on 10/13/2010

hi cheryl,
how are things with you and your daughter?

Cheryl - posted on 10/12/2010

Cheryl, it sounds like what you gave her is what she needed....independence. Although it may not have been the way you would have wanted it...it seems to be working. She's helping someone to better their life and she's learning what it's like to take care of someone and be on her own. Wish her well, give her encouragement and wait in the wings if she should need you. It sounds as if she really loves you guys and enjoys being around you...it also sounds as if she's ready to be an adult. So let her.... God Bless...

Carolyn - posted on 08/10/2010

I think you should not have given her so many chances. After breaking your agreement over & over you let it go to far. It's like to her you were letting her set the rules. She's going to do whatever & you did not enforce your rule. Sometimes letting go is harder than some would think. I say tough love is sometimes much needed. In your case, I do think you did what you obviously thought was right. Let her experience what it is like not to have to answer to you, but to herself. She if she can make the right decision for her. You may not like it, but if it's her life you can't live it for her. It has to be done by her so she can see if she can live with those choices. I would always leave the door open to return. Only on the condition that she pulls her life back in order. You can't do that for her she has to, do it for her own self. You can support her, when you feel she is going in the right direction. Say, no when you feel it is not a responsible choice. You have to let them fail, so they can learn sometimes! Other wise they keep making the same mistakes. Sorry if this is harsh, but that is how I feel. Best of Luck to you.

Cathy - posted on 08/07/2010

I didn't read all of the other replies you received so I may be repeating what someone else said, but....
I think that you should let your daughter know that if and when she wants to go back to school and make the grades you expect, which are B's or better that you would love to have her back. You should also let her know that her curfew would be 10:30 during the week and 12:30 on the weekends as long as she is living in your house. It is unreasonable for a parent to have to wait up worrying (I know that's what you do because that's what we all do, lol). If her boyfriend wants to be a part of supporting her in these "good" decisions for her life then he can continue to be her boyfriend while she is living in your house. I wouldn't waiver at all from that. In my experience when we set clear boundaries and our kids know we will stick to them they make the right choice. She may not make it right away, but she will know that when she is ready you are there willing to offer her stability and guidance. If she doesn't choose it then let her be out on her own. It doesn't mean you never help her out, you just don't help her out by letting her live with you and walk all over you and your so called rules.

Sophie - posted on 07/29/2010

cheryl, you are doing a wonderful job with your daughter... ( you and your husband) .. please keep me posted from time to time how you and your daughter is doing..and how is she following her path for her bright future.....

Jane - posted on 07/23/2010

Sometimes, poverty is the best teacher. But do send her a nice letter that says something to the effect of "Our relationship is like jumping rope. We're twirling the rope, and when you're ready to jump, let us know. We're always in your corner, even when we disagree. We support YOU, even when we don't agree with all your decisions. Love to see the two of you for Sunday dinner!"

This is an area I know, b ecause I have seven kids, ages 22, 19, 18, 13, 10, 9, and 6. So we've been there, done that. :) They survive, and so do you. Just hang in there!

Brenda - posted on 07/22/2010

I too have a 19 yr old daughter that I had to kick out so I know what you are feeling. Gives a whole new meaning to "this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you, young lady". My daughter is living with her boyfriend and blames me specifically for the things that she is going without? She works only 15-20 hrs per week and was also attending college and it sounds like she had exact same excuses your daughter had about class being cancelled at last minute or instructor not making it due to traffic, ect. She has always been a straight A student and never given me an ounce of trouble until recently. She disrespects me, her stepdad of 15 yrs and treated her little brother (15 yrs) old awful. She was always gone, never knew where or with who and although I asked for a text at least to let me know that she wasn't coming home so I knew and didn't worry, that was too much to ask from her. She stopped doing any household work at all, asking her or expecting her to load or unload the dishwasher turned into a family feud. We didn't have just one last straw, seems like we got a whole box of them within a 3 day period. She failed a course, (we paid for all her tuition, ect because during the divorce between her father and I, there were irs issues and they still aren't settled so she was not allowed the $5,550 pell grant she had been approved for????) Started using drugs, which we found in her room as well as bottles of alcohol. Used our house as a bed and breakfast and treated us all like second class citizens. I went to meet her one night and wanted to take the car that she doesn't and hasn't paid for anything other that gas and that only for last 9 months and it's registered as well as insured to my husband and I. Next thing I knew, I was bloody and being handcuffed? I was arrested for domestic violence and spent 3 days in jail. I did not touch my daughter, her and her boss got me from behind and then called the cops. I had bite marks all over my arms, bruises all over and broken bottom dentures. Her injury was a "light" scrape on right knee?? I was horrified!. When I got out of jail three days later, I was on my way to the store when I seen her new boyfriend for that week driving my car and she wasn't even in it. I called police station, had him pulled over and took my car. Since then it has been a roller coaster. My husband was going to help her move her bedroom suite ect and told her is all she had to do was call but instead she shows up at our house with a carload of friends and 3 county deputies. Takes the majority of her clothes and leaves. We finally did go to court and the case was dismissed. I am trying to communicate with her because I'm her mom and love her unconditionally; however, she is not welcome to live in our home again and that kills me to have to tell her that. I spoiled her rotten and her stepdad made sure she had everything she wanted on top of what she needed. Our way of thinking was that she was such a good girl, into sports throughout middle and high school, always on honor roll, respectful, ect. That all changed in a blink of an eye.
It is my opinion that you let her learn and do not ask her to come back. My daughter is finally realizing how good she had it and wishes she had appreciated it. I know she isn't going hungry and she has a roof over her head so she needs to learn that life isn't all about her and there are consequences to her behaviors. I miss her so bad it kills me, I have cried myself to sleep many nights. It has been nearly 3 months and she just now started texting me, we have met for lunch once and I find that short yet meaningful conversations work best for us. I did go buy grocercies, filled a 40 gallon rubbermaid tote with pantry items and some "girly" bathroom items and took them to her. I won't give her money because it's not a guarantee that it would be spent on what I gave it for. She was very thankful and appreciative and text me so excited as she unpacked the tote. I continue to tell her I love her unconditionally and encourage her to communicate with her little brother and stepdad but at this point that hasn't happened. I don't initiate conversation via phone, text or computer but wait for her to do so. I think it gives her the sense of control. If I haven't heard from her in a whole day and night I will text a very short sweet and simple "I love you" text and normally get a response immediately that says she loves me too?? I wouldn't go as far as saying she is "getting" it but she is at least on the right track. I will not let her go without food or shelter but as far as other things, she will have to. Her behavior as well as being so disrespectful, ungrateful and inconsiderate to our wishes, desires and rules of our home took it's toll. It began to effect our marriage and her little brother was picking up on her actions. It had to happen, I'm just sorry it happened the way it did. Good Luck to you, be strong and support her dreams and wishes, like I told mine; you may need to consider getting another or a different job to get on your feet? Mine is going to miss this semester coming up because we refused to pay the last payment after finding out that she had not been honest about the cancellations, ect. So, she is going to work and have to pay off that payment before they will allow her to register. I hate that part because it is her education but it didn't matter to her last semester when she lied about going, didn't study and virtually wasted several hundred dollars of household money. I am here to be her mother, not her friend and I tried to be both. THat was my biggest mistake. Good luck to you, I'm sorry for you to have to be going through it but it is somewhat comforting knowing that I am not alone.
Brenda

Jennie - posted on 07/21/2010

You just made a huge mistake, but its not too late to fix it! Don't turn what could be a passing romance into a tragic love affair. Honestly, it's her body. Is it really that important for you to control her actions that you would risk your relationship with her? The key to parenting adult children, and that's exactly what you have, or any children really, is to pick your battles. There are just some things not worth fighting over. If you leave things the way they are you will lose your daughter. In 20 years will you really be able justify the absence of your child and maybe any grandchildren on principle? Ask her back, make amends. Let her find out who she is. Insist on respect but don't load her down with rules like she's 12, and don't use her siblings to justify treating her like a child. That will only cause a rift between them. If she stays where she is she could end up ruining her chances for a successful life. Don't let that end up in your lap. We need to give our child every opportunity for success. Love and nurture them unconditionally. Honestly, I've been here, I made a huge mistake that can't be corrected. Be there for her, ask her back and give her some space. She is an adult and while you may be right about the piercings and tattoos if you make it an issue it will become an issue. If you leave it alone she will probably lose interest. Don't give her a reason to rebel. Its not like shes doing drugs or having sex in your home. Give her a break and love her. It sounds to me like she wants to love you back.

Leticia (Letty) - posted on 06/02/2010

Your giving her a good lesson. Hope she realizes sooner than later. And that she uses some method to avoid pregnancy,
really she has no future with her bf (not that he is a bad person),but aparently has no goals or aspirations in life.

Betsy - posted on 06/02/2010

This is what we did when my 18 yr old daughter wanted to live "away from home". We told her that as long as she was in school she would get an allowance. She opted to work full time and go to school full time (thinking this would giver her Plenty of money to spend.
Well, working full time with projects on the side left little time to study and being a retail job, not much money. rent, food and gas pretty much ate up her entire paycheck. Her grades tanked and she was getting very stressed out.
Finally, she asked if she could come home. The deal was to go to school full time and not work, same allowance. She agreed and has been doing pretty good, deans list every semester.
She's almost done with the community college and wants to go on to get her Bachleor's, but we are debating over where she will stay. Being a transfer student she isn't guaranteed a dorm room and it's a bit too far to drive every day (over an hour each way). Her option is to live with the bf who lives only a few miles from the campus. Her dad and I are not thrilled with that choice, even though at 21, there isn't much we can do. The kicker was she said, well you're going to pay for a dorm, just give him the money for rent...yeah right. Pay the bf to sleep with my daughter...not gonna happen.
Truth is, with tuition, I'm not sure how much we can afford anyway. My husband is against her going anywhere and wants her to commute. He says she better get used to the idea, around here everyone commutes an hour to work every day anyway. I'm not in favor of her going to live with a bunch of strangers and she doesn't know anyone at this school. Any other suggestions? or should I just tell her she's staying here?

Sheryle - posted on 05/30/2010

I disagree, it's called respect. As a parent you place guidelines as to what you deem acceptable behavior and choices, when a child isn't a child, and is a young adult, they have to learn that there are consequences to their behavior, decisions and choices.

Sometimes a young adult has to learn the hard way to realize, they aren't making very wise adult decisions.

Sheryle - posted on 05/30/2010

Hang in there, we did this with the older daughter and the youngest son. Good news is that after the stress of throwing them out, (which is way harder on the parent) the oldest one is very responsible and has her act together and our son is in college and working, paying for his own vehicle and insurance.

It may seem awful now and trust me sometimes the train wreck gets worse, but if you hadn't backed up your displeasure she wasn't going to learn, just continue to use you.

Anjali - posted on 05/29/2010

Dear Cheryl,
I do not know if I can really share or suggest anything out here. All ready u have better people with same experiences and expertise. But my only experience is that give everyone/thing time and space to realize.Lot of problems can be solved. Though at times some children are different and for them as a mother we really need to be patient and sometimes take hard and difficult ways as u had to. I wish u and ur daughter all the very best and pray u 2 to come out of it very soon and satisfied.
Since I am from a very different culture I cant think of not paying for my children's schooling and colleges. it is part of our responsibility as a parent. Till they are settled in their life we have to support them and we do it happily.Sometimes even after that some children take time to settle down in their jobs and then also we are only responsible to find ways and means for them. So when I see I find it very strange and at times can feel how difficult that decision is for a mother, particularly if it has to be for a daughter.hats off to you. God is great. When u loose all hopes he takes care. he only creates the situation for people to learn if they are ignorant.And ur girl is going to learn this way. God is taking care. So don;t worry but it does not stops u from ur responsibilities. keep giving ur support and love to her.

Terri - posted on 05/22/2010

I think you are totally right on letting her go and see if the grass is really greener. Maybe when she comes to her sister's softball game you can open the lines of communication, and she if she still thinks it's so great on her own.