I kicked my 19 year old out, tough love is so hard! Why do I already regret it??

Cheryl - posted on 04/08/2010 ( 145 moms have responded )

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My daughter is 19 years old & is a freshmen at a local technical college. She was originally going to school to become a deaf communications interpreter. To complete that degree, she would need to go to school less than 2 hours away from home. Her plan was to stay at home the first year & take the gen. ed. courses here, then move away next year, well now this fall. She didn't do so well her first semester in college, 1A, 2Cs & 1D. She retook the class she had a D in & isn't passing this semester either. She pays for school, we pay for books. If she gets an A in her classes, we reimburse her for each class. This semester, she skips class & says it's cancelled for random reasons. We never see her study at home, she is too busy with her new college friends. She met a guy, they have been dating for 2 months & she already talks about not going to college next fall, staying here, and changing her degree to become a CNA. Classes for a CNA take 14 weeks & she will have a full time job by the fall. Then she says the new boyfriend is thinking about going back to school too. So I ask for what; she tells me for his G.E.D.!!! He is 19 years old as well, has a 7 month old son, doesn't even have a high school diploma, works as a dishwasher at a local restaurant & SHE WANTS TO MOVE IN WITH HIM & A FRIEND! She has known him for only 2 months & is willing to throw her future away to be with him. We have a rule in our house that she couldn't get any more tatoos or piercings while she lived with us. When we made that rule, she had a belly button ring & a small nice tatoo on her left shoulder. We just think she is too young to tatoo her body with something that she MAY think is cool now, but will regret having in 10 years. We also have a 15 year old daughter & 13 year old son that we would like her to set a good example for. So for that purpose, we set rules. She has since gotten 2 more tatoos, one on each front hip bone....we reminded her of the deal. She apologized. Next, she pireced her nose, a small diamond, it was cute, but we reminded her again of the deal. She apologized, then was told be her employer to take it out. Ha! We were thrilled! Next, she got this huge inspirational saying tatooed across the middle of her back, it's probably 7" wide & 4" tall. We AGAIN reminded her of our deal & told her it was disrespectful to not listen to our rules. She also is allowed to stay out until midnight Sunday -Thursday nights & 2am Fridays & Saturdays. We have tried to be so accomodating & let her grow up & she just keeps pushing it. She comes home later than curfew constantly! She just says , I know, I'm sorry...then does it again less than a week later. This Easter she did go to church with us, that was great! We had a lunch reservation @ 1:00, but needed to change it to 11:00 to accomodate her work schedule, she had to work at 1:00. No biggy, we rescheduled with the restaurant, Grandma & Grandpa for 11:00. She drove herself because of going to work afterwards...she showed up at 11:30 & hardly talked to anyone! Then, the straw that broke the camels back, we were arguing about her moving in with this boy with no money, no future & as she was yelling at me I saw a tongue piercing! Another piercing!!! I told her I was done, she needed to move out. She has just pushed too far & we were done. I told her to come home & get her things & she was out.



Now we are almost regretting our decision because she is obviously staying with the boyfriend & we fell that we have pushed her to poverty. She has a part time job making almost $9 per hour, with anywhere from 25-30 hours per week. Her boyfriend makes less than that as a dishwasher. She will have a hard time making rent, not to mention paying to finish school. She texts her brother & sister asking if anyone actually misses her & tells them she misses them. She texted me today & asked for her sisters softball game schedule & still plans to try to make it to her games. So does she think this is normal? Did we do the right thing? Do we ask her to come back? Or do we let her grow up & hopefully learn from her mistakes, hoping she doesn't make such a bad mistake that it could affect the rest of her life??? Sorry this is so long, but I had to get as much info out there as possible so you have an understanding of what we have been trying to deal with the best we can. Advise, good or bad, I need some!

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Zenaida - posted on 08/16/2013

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My 27 years old son is manipulative and pathological liar. He also doesn't care for us (his Mom and Dad), only our money, which in this economy we do not have! He is nice when he wants money, but most of the time is secretive and rude if we ask questions.
can't hold to jobs, mostly spends time with friends till early morning hours through each night. Than sleeps a good 6-7 hours, and goes to have "fun" times again.
he "supposedly" should staudy, was on and off college; yet doesn't do that either.

Frankly, I am "sick" of this attitude towards us, and sense of entitelment. he is also very arraogant around people either his friends, or while working with his collegues.

he threatens both of us (his parents) as not to ever talk to us again, unless ourmoney would be constantly feeding his needs. I finally stopped the nonsense and let him move out! It has been 6 months, and I didn't hear from my child!

Is it too early to expect contact, or shopuld I just "forget" my only son?!

Any advice?

Brenda - posted on 03/16/2013

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I have seen this site and I have read many of the situations that parents ahve gone through. My 19 year old daughter left home about a month ago. She was always the "good girl." We own our own business, and she worked with us quite a bit. She always complained that we never paid her for the work that she did. We paid her cell phone bill every month faitfully, and bought her anything that she needed ( within reason for our income) . She met a 24 year old through some friends. I never really knew this guy, but didn't appreciate the age difference from the beginning. I found out probably 2 months after they were dating , that this guy was thrown in jail because he had been previously married and has a child that he refused to pay child support for. What a loser, right? Well, not for my daughter. This didn't phase her, because "she loves him."My daughter has been very disrespectful at times throughout the teenage years but meeting this guy made her a person that I didn't even recognize anymore. The constant texting on her cell phone to him, and if she wasn't on the phone with him she was with him at his place of employment. I didn't allow her to go to parties or to be out late at night, unless she was accompanied by an adult other than him. I was screamed at that I never let her do anything....The breaking point was Valentines day last month. She had visited him at his job, and called home to ask if he could stop by for a few minutes to visit. Well, CValentines day is my anniversary and I wanted to spend the day with family and my husband. He had a fit and pressured her to keep asking if he could spend the night. The answer was obviously "no." I do not promote sexual interaction in my home between my daughter and this loser. So, an argument broke out netween myself and my daughter that screamed " YOu never let me do anything...and what's wrong with him staying the night." The argument quickly escalated between us , and then my husband became involved. My husband has always been "the nice guy," and we argued over her boyfriend coming to my house. The argument was horrible , and almost ended my marriage when I said ok , let her do as she pleases , I will leave and that will be that. Now, my daughter had already planned at this point, ha...my parenst are fighting and now Im going to my girlfriends house. She sat on my hallway stairs and listened to the horrrible fight between her dad and myself and never tried to stop it. I think that it was planned to get the pressure of herself. So, she left for the night and things were still tense in my home...my husband and I never even said a word to each other. She came back the next day , and her dad said you should really talk to your mom and try to put things right. Well, she sat on my couch , and never said "im sorry "....nothing. So as she went to leave to go back to her girlfriends, I had had enough. I told her thank you for starting an argument to benefit herself , and when she left she should take all of her belongings because I was tired of the arguing over this boyfriend and the disrespect she had shown her parents calling us horrible names . She left and is now living with her boyfriend. I have not talked to her since Valentines day. The boyfriends family makes quite a deal more money than what my husband and I do, and Ims ure taht she was enticed by the money, and her new found freedom. The whole situation has casued many many sleepless nights , and many days of orrying becasue she is my daughter. She was never this way without her boyfriend or his familys' influence, and Im totally ashamed of the person that she has become. I feel guitly with the things that I siad to her that day especially telling her not to come back home. But, when does a parent have rights? I have house rules that all of my children are expected to follow . We also have a 16 year old daughter and a 13 year old son, which have siad many times that they are glad that she isnt here anymore becuse she was verbally and hysically abusive to them as well. I am trying to be strong through all of this, but the pain that I feel is a pain that I have never felt before and its excruciating to not see her or hear her voice. Everyone tells me that she needs a dose of reality, and that she needs to grow up and learn what life is. She needs to fall hard before she can appreciate her parents and be the daughter that she once was. The worst part of this whole thing is the harassment from the bf's parents and hearing them say that she is so responsible and sucha good gril. Are they serious? No one can see the pain that she's casued to her own parents? I live day by day and try to show the 2 kids remaining in my home the extra love and attention to try to get them through this too. Was I wrong to ask her to leave? When will the pain subside ?

Ashley - posted on 08/25/2013

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I'm not a mother, I'm a daughter who was kicked out at the age of 18. Just here giving you a differnt perspective, I hope this helps someone.
One week after I turned 18 my step father gave me 30 days to move out. Granted I was not the greatest child under the sunshine. I smoked pot (never in his house) I was more messy than clean,
& my grades were below average. I'm also ADD, dyslexic, obese & depressed. I can understand how supporting me would be more of an annoyance than anything else, especially for a step parent. But on the same note I am still a good person, I was never disrespectful, I started working when I was 16 and never asked for anything.
When I was kicked out I was still in high school. I moved in with my best friend and her mother, she didn't make me pay rent so I was ok. Her mother mother ended up being sick with cancer (she's better now). My best friend and I had to drop out of high school and work full time so we could get by. Moved into out first apartment at 19, but money was tight and I was contaplating suicide.
My best friend was fired and I couldn't make the rent without her, we were avicted with nowhere to go. Ended up couch hopping for about a month until I found a decent room to rent.
I then got my GED & started attending community collage. Paying for school was difficult, I stopped paying for car insurance & my phone bill so I could make it by. It was hard, but I was surviving & to be honest, I was becoming a stronger person.
Unfortunately the older woman who I was renting a room from passed away. That's when my life turned into a downward spirle. I didn't have anywhere to go, I went back to couch hopping. One day I didn't have enough money to pay for school that month, I ended up sleeping with a man from craigslist for a few hundred dollars (I was a virgin). A few months later I was arrested for petty larceny because I tried to steal a shirt from the mall. Needless to say petty larceny on my criminal record was no help, I had to switch my major from funeral services to massage theropy. Luckly my school worked with me.
When I turned 21 my best friends mother got better and could work again. We moved back in with her & now I'm back to a safe home where I can bring my grades back up. I'm currently a straight A student and working part time in my field of study.
I can promise you, none of my accomplishments came from being kicked out & forcing myself to either sink or swim. I feel I was pushed into a life of poverty & if it was not for someone else taking me in I don't know where I would be today.
Please try to reason with your child, kick them out if you have to but let them back in. It's hard out there, 90 days on their own and they will learn that. But don't just throw them out and lock the door, it almost ruined my life. There's a difference between what you ladies want to call "tough love" and neglect.
I understand every situation is different and needs to be handled in different ways, but I personally cant see how this way was the right way. My mother can not take the credit for any of my susses. kicking me out did not help me, it harmed me.
Maybe it helped my mother, my step father has one less thing to argu with her about, one less mouth to feed, less cleaning and an extra bedroom.
I think most of you would agree that your child is worth more than that to you. Don't make them feel they have no one in life to trust and count on.
Sorry this is so long! Lol just wanted to share my opinion

Lisa - posted on 09/02/2013

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I understand completely. I had to kick my son out yesterday because of the same stuff. He is ADD bad, but he's disrespectful, doesn't want to work, runs around with the biggest losers and is almost 20. I still feel heartbroken and worry about him all the time. I have tried everything to help him and nothing works. He smokes pot on a regular basis and I just can't have him do this in our home as its now also causing problems between his father and I.

DENIECE - posted on 07/13/2013

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my daugter will be 21 in Aug. and she moved out when she turned 18 after high school casue she didnt want to follow the rules of my house but she has moved 6 times since then in between moved back 3 times, well this is the last time, I cant do it anymore, I am disabled my health is not good, i love my child more than my own lif but she is disrespectful and always says im grown all the time, well I live with my boyfriend and he has been in her life since she was 3 so he loves her too and has helped her so much but she is so ungrateful, so we told her she had to move ast the end of the month and now she hates us and told me we can burn in hell, the child I sacrificed to do the best for gave her money when i only get money once a month on fixed income, but it dont matter she told me I am suppose to always be here for here casue I ma her Mother, I am tired of the disrespect and I cant take it no more she has plety of oppertunittys

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Jacqueline - posted on 10/08/2016

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I feel for you, we had to do the same thing. But she is staying with my sister and out family has disowned us since we did what we had to do. So not only did i lost my daughter but my family as well...Good luck. Only time will tell....

Jacqueline - posted on 10/08/2016

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I think you have to let her be so she can figure things out on her own. At least you know that she misses her family. We had to do the same thing with my daughter but she won't talk to us and is very mean. I miss her and still love her, but after a few months she hasn't even asked about us.....

Shannon - posted on 09/18/2016

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You totally did the right thing. Sounds like she has a roof over her head, a job, etc. Don't ask her to come home--wait until she asks you! And if she does come home with hat in hand make sure she knows you'll kick her out again if she breaks one of your rules.
The boyfriend sounds okay, maybe not the guy you were hoping for, but he's doing you a solid by taking in your daughter who sounds very inconsiderate of anyone's feelings.

Valentina - posted on 08/23/2016

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I'm 22 and a female. I would say my life turned awry after I turned 15. I became distant from mom, I became resistant to chore routines, gradually I put less effort into house cleaning. At 17 things got really bad. I was finishing high school and during that time being aggressive and belligerant, shattering the oven door. My mom called the ambulance and they escorted me out of the house with debris from the fight on my feet. I was supposed to talk to the psych director at the hospital. She told me to stop my behaviors or trouble would ensue. Well, at 18 my mom sent me to college for $24k. After one year, my grades were bad. I came back home and transferred out of my university into a cheap community college. I struggled to keep my grades up, I didn't feel like writing essays for english. I didn't feel like going to math class to feel the teacher's eyes burning a hole through my head. I was arrested 3 times when I was 19. It was unpleasant, but oh well. When I turned 20, I was in the psych ward. Then they placed me in the shelter system in NYC for youths. I was the only white kid there. That August I began a friendship with an older man, and have been living with him since. My mom thinks its awkward and crazy. I am struggling with my social skills. I bomb all the job interviews. I got a job, and I feel strange. MY mind doesn't stay focused on anything, I literally daydream for hours about a song I heard on youtube while doing my job. The man I live with, he's afraid to see me living on the streets. So I am also anxious about my future, and hope for the best. Love is tough because life is tough. Waiting for my big break.

Eric - posted on 08/10/2016

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I signed up I'll disclose I'm a single dad, but a single parent is both mom & dad. I'd like to share a few thoughts.

I grew up in a household with parents who claimed "tough love" was part of growing up. They had issues over things like earrings, or style of clothes, tattoos were very frowned upon, ect... this sounds very similar to my upbringing. There was a lot of friction, my parents & I didn't get along. Despite being an honor roll student I was very tough for them to handle.

I had a son who was diagnosed with autism. I realized some life changing things about life, what really is important & what really matters.
1st: if you think your child being rebellious & having a nose ring is hard to cope with imagine the strange behaviors you'd see if your child was mentally handicapped. The things that would make my parents angry were nothing compared to the behaviors my son engaged in. My son turned 18. I can't imagine what my parents were thinking when they got so upset over things that don't matter in the scope of a lifetime. I can't relate to them at all.

2nd: if your child is able to do normal things like talk, read, make friends, drive, ect... & you as a parent are grateful there is something very dysfunctional about your love. Whatever choices your child makes & however different your child is from who you want them to be when the child is "normal" its hard but imagine if they're mentally handicapped.

My son turned 18. And unlike me with my dad I actually have a good relationship with him even though he's a bit of an eccentric guy. Nose rings & minimum wage jobs are not the end of the world. Neither are tattoos. Criminal acts are concerning. Being concerned about school is the right thing but she might be struggling to get the work done for reasons that should be addressed not shamed.

You are risking life long damage to your relationship with your child if you withhold yourself over these minor issues. You're teaching her that your love as a parent is fickle, she will be in a hurry to find it in the world, that might create even bigger issues. Why do you think she is thinking about moving in with this guy? She wants to be somewhere without worrying she will be easily rejected. You are driving her right to this guy. If she had a place securely to call home moving wouldn't seem as appealing.

Most likely like myself she'll figure things out & finish school get a job ect... My parents were the same with me ... get out because you're not who we want you to be. Thats a very very psychologically sick way to be towards your own child.

She's a child, she will make mistakes. She's also not you. If you reject her she might not come back. Eventually you will regret losing her profoundly. The longer this goes on the worse you'll feel.

Imagine when you come to the end of your days. Do you think you'll look back & be glad you took a stand over the nose ring? Glad you took a stand over a thing in her tongue? You don't accept your child that grew in your body over a tattoo? Or will you be glad you knew your daughter even though she might appear to you as a bit strange? When your taking your last breath will you even remember what job she had, the styles she wore? In your last days will it matter if she had some bad semesters? Or will you be glad you have a relationship with your daughter.

Heidi - posted on 04/26/2016

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Let her go. Don't offer or ask her back, You have given her WAY more chances than necessary. At 19, she is an adult. Let her see what adult life is like.

Janet - posted on 03/01/2016

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I feel for you. I kicked my 19 year old daughter out today because she screams and disrespects me all the time and has for years. I knew she had somewhere to go or I wouldn't have done it. She is welcome back any time if she stops screaming at me. It kills me that I had to do it but I had to have peace. I didn't know what else to do

Janet - posted on 03/01/2016

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Well my daughter is 19 lazy spoiled disrespectful and screams and back talks all the time and I did kick her out but I knew she had somewhere to go. I couldn't have done it if she would have been on the streets. I just can't take it anymore I have to have some peace in my life. Am I wrong?

Janet - posted on 03/01/2016

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Ok my 19 year old is only one left at home. She chose not to go to college. Fine. She cleans 1 bathroom every couple of weeks that's it. Fine. She works make $1500 or more a month pays her car insurance and cell phone. That's it. Blows every dime she makes. Fine. She screams to the top of her lungs at me all the time. She tells everyone she knows that I'm terrible that I did more with the older kids than her. That I love the grand kids more than her. I hardly ever see my grand kids ever. She had it easier than anyone of my 4 kids. Had more and better everything. She's spoiled rotten. If she hears the word no she has a total meltdown screaming crying til she vomits. If I tell her 1 time a month I want her to stay home one night. I wanted to borrow her car (my car that I gave her free of charge) she yelled screamed cried til she threw up. I've told her over and over not to smart off to me. To quit screaming at me. I've told her a 100 times that if she didn't stop she was going to have to find a place to live. Well after about 7 years of her screaming at me back talking smart mouth I had enough and told her to get out. She will not do one thing for me. I broke my ankle really bad surgery screws plate. Couldn't walk for 6 months she never one time offered to cook one meal, to do one load of laundry, clean house, take me to the doctor. Nothing. But when she wanted a $600 dollar prom dress she got it. She got her hair done make up shoes and nails all I paid for. Am I wrong? Should I just put up with it?

Janet - posted on 03/01/2016

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Bullshit. Parents aren't responsible for their kids their entire life! Are you nuts? How do you expect them to grow up and be independent? You love them their whole life and may help them out from time to time but only if you choose and your able. I don't know what world you live in.

Sel - posted on 12/11/2015

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I think this is a good idea. I have had my lovely daughter living w/ me from birth and she is now 26. A smart, funny, kind person who has been working part-time at various jobs since age 18 while going to college. Her bosses find her a responsible and conscientious employee. I would like her as a person even if she was not my daughter. However, for awhile now, I have been ready to live on my own, I am now 49, and start (late) seriously saving for retirement. She stays rent/utilities free to give her the resources to go to school and save money. She is a procrastinator when it comes to cleaning up after herself or sharing chores. This is annoying to me and sometimes we argue about it. She does do her own laundry and buys her own toiletries and her own food occasionally as well as eating what I provide. She helps with the animals. I share my vehicle w/her asking that she put gas in the tank. Her old truck purchased a few years ago is on its last legs. Not a terrible existence like what other people above are stating. When I broke my leg she helped out getting groceries and cashing my check and taking care of the house as best she could ( she is a messy person as I have stated above). I LOVE HER. If she was in dire straights she would always be welcome to come be with me wherever I was. It's just that I feel it is time for her to really try to get that full time job and move out, with roommates if need be, and pay rent. Maybe use the bus for transportation if needs be. Find her own way to continue to go to college as a A music major on her own dime. Her Dad is remarried and lives in Wyoming and is paying for her phone on his family plan. I am not really judging, just noting that she has had it pretty good and has had time to get it together. I don't begrudge her that . It's OK. I just find I am ready to start putting my eggs into my own basket instead of constantly sacrificing my wants and needs to put my eggs in everybody else's basket. I want her in my life, just, I would prefer she be an independent entity at this point. She is not having boys over or bringing drugs into the mix of things.She is not making babies that she can't care for. I just worry if she will ever get to the point of caring for herself completely, so that, god forbid anything happen to me, I know she is going to be alright and taking care of herself and provide for herself adequately. When I have brought this subject up, she becomes angry, defensive, and I feel guilty for causing strife between us or making her feel unwanted. I think she is scared. I think she doesn't know how to proceed. I think she envisions a future of independence living on her own, but, I keep hearing excuses as to why she can't do this, or that won't work, or if she has to pay to live on her own, she can't continue her education, how working full-time will make her grades suffer. Then I ask how much more time? What is the plan? Tell me the goals and I will compromise and work w/ you on a timeline.I say " I just want you to know there is only 6 mos. left on the lease. When it is up I want to move to a smaller 1 bedroom that is less expensive. You can stay on the couch as a stop gap if you need more time, but there won't be a room or storage for all your things there. It is time for me to work less and start saving for retirement and I need to start pulling back my resources to do that". It always reverts back to " well, don't do anything for me. I will just leave then". " don't buy me anything, not even a Christmas present, I don't want you spending your money on me"," I hope you know, I will not be able to come by to take care of the animals for you when your at work". "You always say I can stay with you if I need to and then say you want me to be out on my own so you can understand why I am confused". Then she banishes herself to her room. Our 2 cats were fighting and she commented" If you guys don't behave she is going to throw you out too". I feel frustrated and sad and misunderstood. Then I want to give up. History lesson: I was a Foster kid from age 5 due to sexual&physical abuse and general neglect. I was a ward of the state til 15. I was adopted by my last foster home placement and within 1 year my, then, parents divorced. He said he was Gay. She started drinking and skirting around.Too much drama when I found out she was sleeping with the married man she worked with while I was caring for him and his wife s newborn baby as a live in nanny over a portion of that summer before my senior year. I left her home before graduation and finished the year at another school staying with my biological mother for that last 3 months of school. That was a very unstable household. I believe that woman suffers from mental illness. I had a job while in HS. I left for the city to live on my own right after graduation at 17. I worked Fast Food jobs (2) and lived in a 1 room apartment sharing a bathroom with all the other residents on the floor. I was skinny. I walked and took the bus to get around. Sometimes I had to do my laundry in the sink and hang it to dry in my room. I had to use the food bank a few times when I got sick and didn't have enough for the rent and food. Stupidly, I got pregnant out of wedlock at 22. I decided against abortion or adoption. I had a baby at 23! No idea how to be a mom. Read a lot of books and magazines on the subject. I was a terrible HS student C avg. The Valedictorian of the school who I walked with upon commencement was one of my best friends. I believed I could have done better if I had not been so emotionally challenged at that time of my life.I decided further education was my ticket. I put my love of science and people together and I went to Nursing school at the community college while being a Mom. Sometimes I had no childcare and had to take my child to classes and study groups w/ me. I was a B+/A- student in college. I worked really hard for those grades! For awhile I was getting assistance and using food stamps and had to wait in line to get gloves and boots for my child for the winter. It was a shameful and degrading existence during that time . I had to live with the poor choices I had made and rise above it all to create a better life for myself and this child I created. Now, she did not ask to be brought into the world, I chose to give her life, but, Now I would like her to go out there on her own and live it to the fullest! I struggled to give her a better life than I had. No child should be raised like THAT. She doesn't even remember the poor years because I was graduated and working full-time as an RN by the time she was 5. However, I think, maybe I was TOO permissive and made it easier on her than I should have. Poor parenting may be the cause of her being a late bloomer. I will absolutely concede this. So, I feel I owe it to her to nudge her out of the nest. I truly believe she has to be challenged to become the strong and self sufficient person I know she can be. She is personable and intelligent and able bodied. No reason she can't survive out there in the big bad world. I have shared all my knowledge and concerns and fears and points of view and what I think about how she should go forward. It is met with anxious resistance. She has her own ideas for her future which I am trying to respect, but find they are not clearly defined or likely obtainable. I am afraid our relationship will suffer for this. I am so sad right now. I don't know how else to say what I want and feel without hurting her heart, but, I can no longer justify a continuation of the status quo, not for very much longer. She already has dropped off my health insurance this year and it is not offered with her current employer. She has taken 5 months to get in the paperwork and be processed for the state health insurance which is very bad. Music may support her in time, but, I feel right now she needs a job that will pay bills and provide benefits. I really hope that after licking her wounds she will put aside her hurt pride and come to me to discuss terms or a compromise. Otherwise, I am making the decision how to move forward with this plan entirely on my own. I would wish for a smooth transition if it could be achieved. I love her more than anyone on this entire planet and I tell her this. Does she feel it as the truth? I don't know that she understands unconditional love yet. I really don't enjoy causing her pain and strife. As selfish as it must seem to her, I am committed to this course, because I really believe it is right for this time in her life and mine : (

Andrea - posted on 11/19/2015

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Going through a similar circumstance. Thinking about asking my 19 year old to leave. Really struggling with the decision. I wish I had words of wisdom but nothing has made me feel more inadequate than raising a person with a very difficult personality. Best of luck with everything.

Julia - posted on 09/29/2015

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what a lonely empty life you have. hanging around forums for Moms with a barren womb. horrible. you need to volunteer your time with kids who need somebody.

Lovely - posted on 06/26/2015

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After reading all the comments I feel the need to respond, im just an ordinary person who would like to share some powerful words that may or may not help those that seek help, it's up to you if you want to believe in this or not. We are all human beings capable of giving and receiving love. As the love begin to flow it is followed by caring, protection support, respect etc. If you are having issue with your children or parents ask yourself where's the love? What happened to me , why don't I love them? It could be as simple as "I'm hurt by my parents because they are disappointed in me" "I'm hurt by my parents because as I'm inexperienced in handling as respectable conversation , they got mad and told me i should respect them because they are paying the morgage/bills etc which hurted me because I now feel like a burden" or "I love my kids so much I've done everything for them and I only ask for the, to do one thing but they don't which hurts me" . Let me first start by saying I love all of you , both parents and child you are both marvellous in your own way and I'm very proud of you for being the way you are. You all have a heart and I just want you to know ,no matter who you are I'm always here for you. Everyone have a heart capable of giving and recieving love, when you are hurt you are suppose to turn to your makers(parents/guardians) for support, it cannot be the opposite way around, every bad waves and good waves goes flows back to the same ocean which provides them support to go again. We were given someone of opposite sex to seek comfort and when we make pleasure/love we are happy and are given a gift which is your child, cherish your gift and they will always bring happiness in your life. Protect their hearts, when they go out to "roam" like a wave they might encounter a lot of things good or bad and they will come back to you make sure your arms are wide open , they are all special , they all have portential, they all have hearts, no one is better than another. Unfortunately most parents don't have their parents/guardians to go to when they need help , why? Could be a lot of reason, maybe they are not alive , or they hurted you and don't have a relationship or you don't feel you need their love. In closing would like to say love your kids and don't expect anything from them, if they love you back be thankful , they are your precious gift that you created , cherish them and die in peace, don't hurt them instead be strong for them to hold/support their problems when they come for your love. Take their burden for them and show them how much your love them. To the lovely PPl reading this go hug your parents. I love you all.

Paula_angel000 - posted on 04/14/2015

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Shirley Bowen,
They were 7 kids. It's diffrent. The house was too crowded, that has nothing to do with tough love. It's just space administration. And they could afford to buy those children a place to stay.

Shirley - posted on 04/13/2015

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Ok. wow, what posts. I am 60 and chose to be independent, single and not have children because I love a peaceful, pleasant haven to come home too and if I were in any of the positions above I would end up moving as far away as possible in a studio apartment or getting a small RV-travel. I could not handle all the scuffles. I'm an otter at heart and if it ain't fun forget it. Great story here-- I have a wonderful friend who had 7 children and as his children graduated from high school him and his wife bought smaller homes. Squeezed them out with tough love. He told them if they needed to, they could still live with them as long as they needed to but they would need to get air mattresses. Think he waited till 2 of them were over 18 before he started doing this. The children were close together in age. When the 7th one turned 18, the couple moved in a studio condo. I about died laughing when they told me what they did. So funny and IT WORKS. The children got upset and said where are we going to sleep. The parents said there is still some floor space for your air mattresses, you can stay as long as you like, we love you very much. :)

Paula_angel000 - posted on 04/08/2015

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Shawn,

You know nothing about adulthood by the way you talk. 14 year of age are underpayied and overworked. If that what they do can be called a job. Secondly, say thank you your children are healthy, if they are. That is enough. There are parents out there who strugle with psychotic kids, ADHD, debilitated children, who can not take care of themselves even at 30-40. What if your children were blind? How would you help them? Or kidnapped, murdered? How would they "contribute" then?

You complain for your children being in the house, being safe. SO what if hey have little or no money? Many societies ask for intelectual contributions and not money. Many societies despise people who do have a lot of money.

You think of growing up, when what you value are immature things.
Age is not maturity, trust me on this one. And boys grow up slower than girls.

Finaly, you as parents can NOT teach them the way of the world. You can only teach them what you have been tought by your own experiences and connections.

It is school that teaches children the way of the world, what chances do they have, possibilities and abilities. Parents are too subjective and less objective.

They can only teach children some manners and how to express themselves.

Rather than acting as their teachers, act as their protectors.

Again, sory to inform you, your perspective on adulthood is false.


Ps: I never talked about myself in any of my posts. About me: I'm the perfect daughter, at least so says evrione in my enviorement. An example to my friends.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/02/2015

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Dima Paula...What world do you live in that a teen is not "allowed to work" until they're 18? In the US, a child as young as 14 can get a limited work permit.

As far as the rest of your rant: WE are the parents. It is our responsibility to RAISE OUR CHILDREN to be productive members of society, to be responsible for themselves, and their actions, and to take care of their own financial obligations. If one has done that, and attempted to teach their children the way of the world, and the kid still demands to be handed everything, waited on hand & foot, and served by their parents until the day they die...There's the door.

IT IS NOT the parent's responsibility to continue to support adults who refuse to contribute. Apparently you chose that route (not to contribute) and were asked to leave the home you were raised in? Well, all I can say to that is: Put on your big girl panties and learn how to be an adult.

Paula_angel000 - posted on 03/21/2015

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No child asks to be born! No child decides wheter a woman wil have unprotected sex. It is brought to life and those responsible for that life will be responsible until theirs is ended.


Respectfuly your,

Paula Dima ,
psychologist, medical consultant and musician.

http://psihologuldeacasa.tumblr.com/

Paula_angel000 - posted on 03/21/2015

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I thought parents kick their daughters for getting pregnant, wich I despise so searched to see why...than to find out they do it out of a noumber of reasons, such as not going to the military(to a boy), not working ...children are not allowed to work until 18...how many of you knew that for real;? we do not employ chioldren.


But the real issue here is that kids are not small anymore, right? They are not easygoing, not so cute or sweet...they have a "attitude", or personality in formation? You hate your kids for growing up, for outsmarting you, fr struggling with personal issues that they don't talk about.

You force them to talk about their money, friends, boyfriends, plans, future...do they even understand what a future is, when mom and dad threatens them to kick them ouT? They can bearly know what survivng till tomorow means.


Until 24 a human is not even a complete personality ...they bearly understand themseslves, what can they know about the world?
Should I remind parents how aweful the world is, how prisons are full, how dangerous individuals roam the streets afteer 12 p,m??


Aniway imagine you kick your child out of the house TODAY and tomorrow the news reports him dead, murdered, or kidnapped..

What will you think of yourselves after that?


Even though they are not babies, underaged and even until their 30 they can not defend themselves. And girls are most vulnerable.


Paula Dima,
psychologist.

Paula_angel000 - posted on 03/21/2015

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It's diffrent to you, because you are a guy. It's easier to get a job, be independent and live. As a girl getting kicked out of the house makes her voulnerable to all kind of risks, such as physical abuse, sexual abuse, forced to use drugs, or leave school. Some girls get such a low self esteem from it that they're to ashamed to talk to anyone about it.


You should reconsider your thoughts based on that.

Paula Dima,
psychologist

Sam - posted on 11/05/2014

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I'm not a mom. I'm an 18 year old daughter that goes to college. I wanted to give my perspective on this. I believe that kicking your kids out is wrong only if they don't deserve it. If they don't change there way then yes it's time for them to learn on there own. But for the moms that over react over little things and want to kick out there kids that's outrageous. You weren't a teenager before? I say this because my parents over react about everything and I am currently getting kicked out soon. Why? Because I didn't pass my math class. I'm not a bad kid. I graduated high school, I clean the house when I need too. Yea not wanting too but I do it. I got a job and I had to quit because my parents belived school was first and they complained later on about how much money it is for my car. When I got a job for that matter. I don't go out clubbing, I don't do drugs. As a matter of fact I don't have friends. Yes I might give my parents a little bit of attitude but not ever would I disrespect them. Is it really worth losing your kid because of some little things? Your there to help us and protect us not make us not want to even have you as a parent.

Elan - posted on 10/15/2014

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I submit the point of view of a person who's parents used the police to remove him from their home. It was such a shock, Never in a million years did i ever think my own parents would kick me out into the streets. They love me too much, i thought to myself, and yes, i admit i took advantage of it. I was 26 at the time, so as you can imagine I've had plenty of time to find my Independence, but i was too comfortable with the way it was and why wouldn't I be? The day i got kicked out, i swore i would never forgive my parents for what they did. I had to start at the bottom! move in with roommates, find a new job, save up to buy my own car, my own bed, my own everything one by one. I was forced to stand up on my own two feet. Eventually, after 2 years my siblings started to push for a reunion with my parents, and eventually it did happen. The only thing i am really mad at???? That they hadn't kicked me out sooner!!!! i'm 32 now, and i'm only at where was supposed to be 10 years ago, starting my first career!

It's called tough love! and i can say i'm grateful for it! i would rather my kids hate me and flourish, than love me and not! that's what TRUE love for your children is! the strength to think what's in their best interest, not what they want! Goodluck to everyone here, everything will work itself out in the end!

GLENN - posted on 05/31/2014

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I have a son 22 who is disrespectful to everyone who loves him. We have asked him to leave. Breaks our heart but, we have a life also. We would like to be happy again. We have made great efforts to help him. We kicked him out -than let him back. Now he is out again. Tough Love is the only way to help the rest of the family and him. I watch my wife cry. My daughter is pregnant and has tried to help him - now we hope she does not loose the baby from being soo upset. So anyone who thinks we are wrong - well
Never ever thought we would be in this situation. WE MUST SEPERATE AND PRAY FOR STRENGTH.

David - posted on 04/09/2014

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I am a mom although I am a man. My exwife was never a mother to our children and I was the emotional and financially provider for them. Well, all three are living with me after the divorce ages 20, 18, and 16. The oldest daugher whom is 20 is hateful and disrespectful to me. The exwife even tried to use her to against me in divorce court but after exwife forged my daughter's financial aid check my daughter saw the light and moved in with me. She never respected me since she followed after her mom which showed no respect. My daughter doesn't know what it would be like to be on the streets. She is attending college but had no time for a part time job but has over 30 hours a week to play XBOX. I asked her why she won't get a job and she says she won't work fast food. She is awaiting that perfect part time job. Meanwhile she doesn't do chores and her room is a disaster. So I want her to help out and be responsible but I can't make her do anything. I can't kick her out because I can't see her living on the streets while she is attending college.

Well I added another kid last week to my family of 4. Now its a family of 5. I am a good mom for sure. My daughter a senior in High School came to me and told me about her good friend and classmate she found out that was recently kicked out and in the homeless shelter. He turned 18, told his parents he wasn't going into the military which they planned a year ahead, and they kicked out on the streets just 7 weeks before High School graduation. His parents took his car, his cellphone, and he had no coat just clothes on his back. I took him in. He is the nicest asian kid and a christian. He came from a family with 8 foreign adopted kids. So I am pondering how a parent can kick a child out at 18 when his future vision of no military doesn't agree with theirs. Heck I have a 20 year old daughter that disrespects me, was used against me in court (daughter said her mom, her mom's bf, and the lawyer, told her she had to), and won't work and I couldn't bear seeing her on the streets.

I know this is a MOM website and I am a guy, but I feel like a mother to all these children good or bad. My son's friend who is 17 approached me. He wants to move in. He comes from a really messed up home as well. I said to him never live on the streets. I have a couch at least and you can stay here. The world is a messed up place. Parents cease to be parents and children cease to be children. I wished my oldest would respect all that I am doing for her. With the new kid that moved in... he is a good example for her to see. I gave shelter to a stranger. If I kicked her out, I don't want to, she will at least know it was her behavior and not me.

Signed;
Mr. Mom

Isa - posted on 04/05/2014

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Not a good idea to kicked her out, she is still struggling to find herself, she needs help. Get her back ASAP.

Evan - posted on 03/29/2014

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honestly this article has pretty much cemented my hatred for people who dont understand anything but themselves. Here's to the parents that kicked out the young thinking it'd better them when really it's most likely destroyed them on the inside, and deepened any suicidal tendencies, all of you, I wish from the bottom of your hearts you realize you are fucking scum, you are failures, you couldn't raise your child properly if your were gonna act like a fucking child. Fuck you all.

Evan - posted on 03/29/2014

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honestly this article has pretty much cemented my hatred for people who dont understand anything but themselves. Here's to the parents that kicked out the young thinking it'd better them when really it's most likely destroyed them on the inside, and deepened any suicidal tendencies, all of you, I wish from the bottom of your hearts you realize you are fucking scum, you are failures, you couldn't raise your child properly if your were gonna act like a fucking child. Fuck you all.

Anna - posted on 03/17/2014

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My daughter and I share and apartment and split the rent. Even if we did not split the rent I would not kick her out, as she has an 8 year old daughter. My daughter has some serious issues, that could interfere with her ability to parent if she does not address them soon. I might have to however consider talking to my granddaughters dad about a custody change if my daughter does not take care of her issues. It would tear my heart out.

Alizhtc007 - posted on 02/09/2014

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you are a bad parent you will burn in hell for kicking your child out .

Stephanie - posted on 01/24/2014

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Pick your battles. There's a way to reach them at some point so don't give up on them and cast them out of your watchful eyes. At least this way you can still offer a positive role in his life to witness. If you are in harms way, then you have no choice but to send him to a professional facility to get the proper help. If it is just words, war with words, then be patient and speak to him and ask him what he needs from you to achieve a meeting of the minds & heart. He's in there somewhere still. Find him and don't give up until you do. This doesn't mean put yourself in harms way, or supply his bad behaviors or help him get his flesh desires met. Just put all the issues aside for now. If you get a moment to speak to him, try to reach him in a neutral way. Teach him something you want him to know or understand when he is at peace about the two of you - when he has his guard down. God be with you and your family.

Stephanie - posted on 01/24/2014

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I hope things have changed since your last post. Believe me, you are not alone in thinking such dreadful thoughts. This is not a resolution to end your life, the problems will still be with you - forever if you do this. But if you wait it out and seek tomorrow - even if it feels hopeless, it will show you a different feel - outcome. Reach out to anyone you can for some help in dealing. First, ask God for help - to send help - believe He will send someone out of nowhere to say the right thing, do the right thing or you may just see the right thing that will give you a different new view of that day, moment. There is more than just you in this sometimes seemingly cold, cruel world. I don't know you, but your post was brought to my attention, I don't know you, but I care and now I will make sure to pray for you to find peace and joy for no apparent reason. There will be more positive friends coming your way soon. Be still and accept the good that is just for you - God heard your cry and He is sending help - wait and believe. Never give up hope! In Jesus name I respond - Stephanie

Stephanie - posted on 01/24/2014

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Once I asked a Christian leader about what to do about my son who was only 17 then, 19 now. He was smoking, having trouble maintaining school work, caught up in some lying; However, i knew he was a good kid with a good heart. Knew importance of right & wrong morally. It sounds like your daughter is a good girl with a good heart, but is trying to gain some individual sense of expression - finding herself. I think you should pick your battles. I believe what you do is not what she would do, mainly don't worry about what / how others would view her and treat her, judge her. Inform her of how the world will perceive her, and treat her, but let her know you want her to be honest and good to the best she can be and let her know you will accept her as she is physically, and even though all the tattoos and holes aren't your style, you so very much love and cherish her and will support her in growing up. Believe me, she will see how cruel the world can be to those who look different, she will need you to not be one of them. Tattoos, holes are not in you, or reflection of you. God loves her just as she "looks" as long as she is a good person inside which sounds like you may have had great part of doing by showing her there are rules and guiding her, protecting her all these past years. Don't lose her by pushing her away. Soon enough she will be gone anyway. Enjoy what time you have with her. Sometimes rules should be overlooked for the sake of keeping love between a parent and a an young adult. God bless you and your family.

Kevin - posted on 01/16/2014

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Kick his ass out the door. My parents never spanked me, instead my mother hit me in the face hard with an open hand or shoved a bar of soap in my mouth. My father was never around, he worked constantly. I was one of the worst students you could find but still made a fortune in real estate, starting from the bottom as a landlord from pennies saved to buy my first home then rented out. I did grow up in an Italian family, they don't take disrepect from anyone, exspecially their own children. To this day I help my parents and know my place and obligation to my parents. I was made to work summers in high school and had to be productive or catch the wrath of my mother, it worked. Personally I subscribe to the old ways of discepline, spare the rod, spoil the child. I feared my mother and I have no regrets. Teach them when they are young, before its to late.
Blessings
Kevin

Lost - posted on 12/24/2013

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Ive just been kicked out im thinking about suicide, its all just not worth it anymore

Tina - posted on 12/15/2013

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Life gets better! Your at a tough age and even in your 20's we all seem to feel a little lost. It's sorta like that transition from junior high to high school. So now We are hapoy to be out of school - but then what do we do? Some of us hit college & some folks dont. Even though it sucks being broke and having limited food - it's great to be alive!! Look for the good things in life - see more of the light & less darkness or despair. Your just in a phase rite now. You are blessed to be alive & matter so much as a person. Dont sell youself short. Talk to someone or a therapist and vent. We all need someone to talk to. Your life does have meaning and is worth living. Take walks and view the sky, nature . . .pray.....as you get older things fall into place more & u relax & learn to go with the flow more. It really will get bettet u got to believe that. dont take ur life plz

Zachary - posted on 12/10/2013

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This is why most teens begin to think about suicide if they haven't already because of their distracted parents who tend to overlook how a young man/women actually feels because time is different and society is way different from when parents were children. I am 19 and I fully support myself, i just basically got laid off, its christmas time, i have speeding tickets (all from my driving job), rent is due and i currently have 83 dollars to my name. My apartment recently had black mold from the permanently damaged septic system that nobody can pay to fix, and now our 'kitchen' floor is torn up exposing glue and stained cement. It's at most 40 degrees out everyday here in Colorado and I feel pretty suicidal right now. My parents are divorced and why I don't understand even though I am considerably mature for my age. My mom has started to ask me for pot because she recently found out that I smoke it, if I don't smoke I have a ridiculous temper and get very, very depressed and suicidal. I don't think it's right for her to buy from me because it makes it noticeably harder to have any respect for her. She seems oblivious to the fact that I'm so distant from everyone and that I actually have thought about suicide.

Jim - posted on 09/26/2013

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I commend you Cheryl! You definitely did the right thing by telling your "kid" to move out of the house. If she continued to defy your rules of the house, and pushing her rebelliousness even further, then you have the right to tell her to leave. This will show her that by living under YOUR roof...the one where you pay the mortgage, buy and prepare food, pay utilities, insurance, etc etc, she needs to abide by your rules, PERIOD! Once on her own, she will quickly discover just how difficult it is to make it out there. When she comes back begging to be let back in, then hopefully, she will have wised up, and is ready to live by your rules.

Troy - posted on 09/16/2013

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A parent kicking out a child for miniscule things like this is appalling. You should be disappointed in yourself. Rather than disciplining your child, like a normal parent, you disown and abandon them. In 10 years if this girl is struggling with the hardships of life because of the road you set for her, you'll understand. She got a piercing? A tattoo? Nice, my sister almost died from an over dose (her friend did) and she got grounded for pretty much a year w/ a strict tyrannical system. No phone, computer, straight home after school etc. The rents didn't kick her out for one simple reason, it wouldn't fix the situation but create a worst one. Sending her down the same road at a greater descent.

Mariluz - posted on 09/10/2013

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to ima non,

"A 19 year old is not a child by any stretch of the imagination" ima they are also not mature by any stretch of the imagination. the majority of 19 year olds react with their emotions, they still have no concept of danger. Most think partying first, consequences later. Mariluz....

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