I kicked my 19 year old out, tough love is so hard! Why do I already regret it??

Cheryl - posted on 04/08/2010 ( 111 moms have responded )

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My daughter is 19 years old & is a freshmen at a local technical college. She was originally going to school to become a deaf communications interpreter. To complete that degree, she would need to go to school less than 2 hours away from home. Her plan was to stay at home the first year & take the gen. ed. courses here, then move away next year, well now this fall. She didn't do so well her first semester in college, 1A, 2Cs & 1D. She retook the class she had a D in & isn't passing this semester either. She pays for school, we pay for books. If she gets an A in her classes, we reimburse her for each class. This semester, she skips class & says it's cancelled for random reasons. We never see her study at home, she is too busy with her new college friends. She met a guy, they have been dating for 2 months & she already talks about not going to college next fall, staying here, and changing her degree to become a CNA. Classes for a CNA take 14 weeks & she will have a full time job by the fall. Then she says the new boyfriend is thinking about going back to school too. So I ask for what; she tells me for his G.E.D.!!! He is 19 years old as well, has a 7 month old son, doesn't even have a high school diploma, works as a dishwasher at a local restaurant & SHE WANTS TO MOVE IN WITH HIM & A FRIEND! She has known him for only 2 months & is willing to throw her future away to be with him. We have a rule in our house that she couldn't get any more tatoos or piercings while she lived with us. When we made that rule, she had a belly button ring & a small nice tatoo on her left shoulder. We just think she is too young to tatoo her body with something that she MAY think is cool now, but will regret having in 10 years. We also have a 15 year old daughter & 13 year old son that we would like her to set a good example for. So for that purpose, we set rules. She has since gotten 2 more tatoos, one on each front hip bone....we reminded her of the deal. She apologized. Next, she pireced her nose, a small diamond, it was cute, but we reminded her again of the deal. She apologized, then was told be her employer to take it out. Ha! We were thrilled! Next, she got this huge inspirational saying tatooed across the middle of her back, it's probably 7" wide & 4" tall. We AGAIN reminded her of our deal & told her it was disrespectful to not listen to our rules. She also is allowed to stay out until midnight Sunday -Thursday nights & 2am Fridays & Saturdays. We have tried to be so accomodating & let her grow up & she just keeps pushing it. She comes home later than curfew constantly! She just says , I know, I'm sorry...then does it again less than a week later. This Easter she did go to church with us, that was great! We had a lunch reservation @ 1:00, but needed to change it to 11:00 to accomodate her work schedule, she had to work at 1:00. No biggy, we rescheduled with the restaurant, Grandma & Grandpa for 11:00. She drove herself because of going to work afterwards...she showed up at 11:30 & hardly talked to anyone! Then, the straw that broke the camels back, we were arguing about her moving in with this boy with no money, no future & as she was yelling at me I saw a tongue piercing! Another piercing!!! I told her I was done, she needed to move out. She has just pushed too far & we were done. I told her to come home & get her things & she was out.



Now we are almost regretting our decision because she is obviously staying with the boyfriend & we fell that we have pushed her to poverty. She has a part time job making almost $9 per hour, with anywhere from 25-30 hours per week. Her boyfriend makes less than that as a dishwasher. She will have a hard time making rent, not to mention paying to finish school. She texts her brother & sister asking if anyone actually misses her & tells them she misses them. She texted me today & asked for her sisters softball game schedule & still plans to try to make it to her games. So does she think this is normal? Did we do the right thing? Do we ask her to come back? Or do we let her grow up & hopefully learn from her mistakes, hoping she doesn't make such a bad mistake that it could affect the rest of her life??? Sorry this is so long, but I had to get as much info out there as possible so you have an understanding of what we have been trying to deal with the best we can. Advise, good or bad, I need some!

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Zenaida - posted on 08/16/2013

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My 27 years old son is manipulative and pathological liar. He also doesn't care for us (his Mom and Dad), only our money, which in this economy we do not have! He is nice when he wants money, but most of the time is secretive and rude if we ask questions.
can't hold to jobs, mostly spends time with friends till early morning hours through each night. Than sleeps a good 6-7 hours, and goes to have "fun" times again.
he "supposedly" should staudy, was on and off college; yet doesn't do that either.

Frankly, I am "sick" of this attitude towards us, and sense of entitelment. he is also very arraogant around people either his friends, or while working with his collegues.

he threatens both of us (his parents) as not to ever talk to us again, unless ourmoney would be constantly feeding his needs. I finally stopped the nonsense and let him move out! It has been 6 months, and I didn't hear from my child!

Is it too early to expect contact, or shopuld I just "forget" my only son?!

Any advice?

Brenda - posted on 03/16/2013

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I have seen this site and I have read many of the situations that parents ahve gone through. My 19 year old daughter left home about a month ago. She was always the "good girl." We own our own business, and she worked with us quite a bit. She always complained that we never paid her for the work that she did. We paid her cell phone bill every month faitfully, and bought her anything that she needed ( within reason for our income) . She met a 24 year old through some friends. I never really knew this guy, but didn't appreciate the age difference from the beginning. I found out probably 2 months after they were dating , that this guy was thrown in jail because he had been previously married and has a child that he refused to pay child support for. What a loser, right? Well, not for my daughter. This didn't phase her, because "she loves him."My daughter has been very disrespectful at times throughout the teenage years but meeting this guy made her a person that I didn't even recognize anymore. The constant texting on her cell phone to him, and if she wasn't on the phone with him she was with him at his place of employment. I didn't allow her to go to parties or to be out late at night, unless she was accompanied by an adult other than him. I was screamed at that I never let her do anything....The breaking point was Valentines day last month. She had visited him at his job, and called home to ask if he could stop by for a few minutes to visit. Well, CValentines day is my anniversary and I wanted to spend the day with family and my husband. He had a fit and pressured her to keep asking if he could spend the night. The answer was obviously "no." I do not promote sexual interaction in my home between my daughter and this loser. So, an argument broke out netween myself and my daughter that screamed " YOu never let me do anything...and what's wrong with him staying the night." The argument quickly escalated between us , and then my husband became involved. My husband has always been "the nice guy," and we argued over her boyfriend coming to my house. The argument was horrible , and almost ended my marriage when I said ok , let her do as she pleases , I will leave and that will be that. Now, my daughter had already planned at this point, ha...my parenst are fighting and now Im going to my girlfriends house. She sat on my hallway stairs and listened to the horrrible fight between her dad and myself and never tried to stop it. I think that it was planned to get the pressure of herself. So, she left for the night and things were still tense in my home...my husband and I never even said a word to each other. She came back the next day , and her dad said you should really talk to your mom and try to put things right. Well, she sat on my couch , and never said "im sorry "....nothing. So as she went to leave to go back to her girlfriends, I had had enough. I told her thank you for starting an argument to benefit herself , and when she left she should take all of her belongings because I was tired of the arguing over this boyfriend and the disrespect she had shown her parents calling us horrible names . She left and is now living with her boyfriend. I have not talked to her since Valentines day. The boyfriends family makes quite a deal more money than what my husband and I do, and Ims ure taht she was enticed by the money, and her new found freedom. The whole situation has casued many many sleepless nights , and many days of orrying becasue she is my daughter. She was never this way without her boyfriend or his familys' influence, and Im totally ashamed of the person that she has become. I feel guitly with the things that I siad to her that day especially telling her not to come back home. But, when does a parent have rights? I have house rules that all of my children are expected to follow . We also have a 16 year old daughter and a 13 year old son, which have siad many times that they are glad that she isnt here anymore becuse she was verbally and hysically abusive to them as well. I am trying to be strong through all of this, but the pain that I feel is a pain that I have never felt before and its excruciating to not see her or hear her voice. Everyone tells me that she needs a dose of reality, and that she needs to grow up and learn what life is. She needs to fall hard before she can appreciate her parents and be the daughter that she once was. The worst part of this whole thing is the harassment from the bf's parents and hearing them say that she is so responsible and sucha good gril. Are they serious? No one can see the pain that she's casued to her own parents? I live day by day and try to show the 2 kids remaining in my home the extra love and attention to try to get them through this too. Was I wrong to ask her to leave? When will the pain subside ?

Ashley - posted on 08/25/2013

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I'm not a mother, I'm a daughter who was kicked out at the age of 18. Just here giving you a differnt perspective, I hope this helps someone.
One week after I turned 18 my step father gave me 30 days to move out. Granted I was not the greatest child under the sunshine. I smoked pot (never in his house) I was more messy than clean,
& my grades were below average. I'm also ADD, dyslexic, obese & depressed. I can understand how supporting me would be more of an annoyance than anything else, especially for a step parent. But on the same note I am still a good person, I was never disrespectful, I started working when I was 16 and never asked for anything.
When I was kicked out I was still in high school. I moved in with my best friend and her mother, she didn't make me pay rent so I was ok. Her mother mother ended up being sick with cancer (she's better now). My best friend and I had to drop out of high school and work full time so we could get by. Moved into out first apartment at 19, but money was tight and I was contaplating suicide.
My best friend was fired and I couldn't make the rent without her, we were avicted with nowhere to go. Ended up couch hopping for about a month until I found a decent room to rent.
I then got my GED & started attending community collage. Paying for school was difficult, I stopped paying for car insurance & my phone bill so I could make it by. It was hard, but I was surviving & to be honest, I was becoming a stronger person.
Unfortunately the older woman who I was renting a room from passed away. That's when my life turned into a downward spirle. I didn't have anywhere to go, I went back to couch hopping. One day I didn't have enough money to pay for school that month, I ended up sleeping with a man from craigslist for a few hundred dollars (I was a virgin). A few months later I was arrested for petty larceny because I tried to steal a shirt from the mall. Needless to say petty larceny on my criminal record was no help, I had to switch my major from funeral services to massage theropy. Luckly my school worked with me.
When I turned 21 my best friends mother got better and could work again. We moved back in with her & now I'm back to a safe home where I can bring my grades back up. I'm currently a straight A student and working part time in my field of study.
I can promise you, none of my accomplishments came from being kicked out & forcing myself to either sink or swim. I feel I was pushed into a life of poverty & if it was not for someone else taking me in I don't know where I would be today.
Please try to reason with your child, kick them out if you have to but let them back in. It's hard out there, 90 days on their own and they will learn that. But don't just throw them out and lock the door, it almost ruined my life. There's a difference between what you ladies want to call "tough love" and neglect.
I understand every situation is different and needs to be handled in different ways, but I personally cant see how this way was the right way. My mother can not take the credit for any of my susses. kicking me out did not help me, it harmed me.
Maybe it helped my mother, my step father has one less thing to argu with her about, one less mouth to feed, less cleaning and an extra bedroom.
I think most of you would agree that your child is worth more than that to you. Don't make them feel they have no one in life to trust and count on.
Sorry this is so long! Lol just wanted to share my opinion

Lisa - posted on 09/02/2013

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I understand completely. I had to kick my son out yesterday because of the same stuff. He is ADD bad, but he's disrespectful, doesn't want to work, runs around with the biggest losers and is almost 20. I still feel heartbroken and worry about him all the time. I have tried everything to help him and nothing works. He smokes pot on a regular basis and I just can't have him do this in our home as its now also causing problems between his father and I.

DENIECE - posted on 07/13/2013

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my daugter will be 21 in Aug. and she moved out when she turned 18 after high school casue she didnt want to follow the rules of my house but she has moved 6 times since then in between moved back 3 times, well this is the last time, I cant do it anymore, I am disabled my health is not good, i love my child more than my own lif but she is disrespectful and always says im grown all the time, well I live with my boyfriend and he has been in her life since she was 3 so he loves her too and has helped her so much but she is so ungrateful, so we told her she had to move ast the end of the month and now she hates us and told me we can burn in hell, the child I sacrificed to do the best for gave her money when i only get money once a month on fixed income, but it dont matter she told me I am suppose to always be here for here casue I ma her Mother, I am tired of the disrespect and I cant take it no more she has plety of oppertunittys

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David - posted on 04/09/2014

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I am a mom although I am a man. My exwife was never a mother to our children and I was the emotional and financially provider for them. Well, all three are living with me after the divorce ages 20, 18, and 16. The oldest daugher whom is 20 is hateful and disrespectful to me. The exwife even tried to use her to against me in divorce court but after exwife forged my daughter's financial aid check my daughter saw the light and moved in with me. She never respected me since she followed after her mom which showed no respect. My daughter doesn't know what it would be like to be on the streets. She is attending college but had no time for a part time job but has over 30 hours a week to play XBOX. I asked her why she won't get a job and she says she won't work fast food. She is awaiting that perfect part time job. Meanwhile she doesn't do chores and her room is a disaster. So I want her to help out and be responsible but I can't make her do anything. I can't kick her out because I can't see her living on the streets while she is attending college.

Well I added another kid last week to my family of 4. Now its a family of 5. I am a good mom for sure. My daughter a senior in High School came to me and told me about her good friend and classmate she found out that was recently kicked out and in the homeless shelter. He turned 18, told his parents he wasn't going into the military which they planned a year ahead, and they kicked out on the streets just 7 weeks before High School graduation. His parents took his car, his cellphone, and he had no coat just clothes on his back. I took him in. He is the nicest asian kid and a christian. He came from a family with 8 foreign adopted kids. So I am pondering how a parent can kick a child out at 18 when his future vision of no military doesn't agree with theirs. Heck I have a 20 year old daughter that disrespects me, was used against me in court (daughter said her mom, her mom's bf, and the lawyer, told her she had to), and won't work and I couldn't bear seeing her on the streets.

I know this is a MOM website and I am a guy, but I feel like a mother to all these children good or bad. My son's friend who is 17 approached me. He wants to move in. He comes from a really messed up home as well. I said to him never live on the streets. I have a couch at least and you can stay here. The world is a messed up place. Parents cease to be parents and children cease to be children. I wished my oldest would respect all that I am doing for her. With the new kid that moved in... he is a good example for her to see. I gave shelter to a stranger. If I kicked her out, I don't want to, she will at least know it was her behavior and not me.

Signed;
Mr. Mom

Isa - posted on 04/05/2014

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Not a good idea to kicked her out, she is still struggling to find herself, she needs help. Get her back ASAP.

Evan - posted on 03/29/2014

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honestly this article has pretty much cemented my hatred for people who dont understand anything but themselves. Here's to the parents that kicked out the young thinking it'd better them when really it's most likely destroyed them on the inside, and deepened any suicidal tendencies, all of you, I wish from the bottom of your hearts you realize you are fucking scum, you are failures, you couldn't raise your child properly if your were gonna act like a fucking child. Fuck you all.

Evan - posted on 03/29/2014

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honestly this article has pretty much cemented my hatred for people who dont understand anything but themselves. Here's to the parents that kicked out the young thinking it'd better them when really it's most likely destroyed them on the inside, and deepened any suicidal tendencies, all of you, I wish from the bottom of your hearts you realize you are fucking scum, you are failures, you couldn't raise your child properly if your were gonna act like a fucking child. Fuck you all.

Anna - posted on 03/17/2014

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My daughter and I share and apartment and split the rent. Even if we did not split the rent I would not kick her out, as she has an 8 year old daughter. My daughter has some serious issues, that could interfere with her ability to parent if she does not address them soon. I might have to however consider talking to my granddaughters dad about a custody change if my daughter does not take care of her issues. It would tear my heart out.

Stephanie - posted on 01/24/2014

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Pick your battles. There's a way to reach them at some point so don't give up on them and cast them out of your watchful eyes. At least this way you can still offer a positive role in his life to witness. If you are in harms way, then you have no choice but to send him to a professional facility to get the proper help. If it is just words, war with words, then be patient and speak to him and ask him what he needs from you to achieve a meeting of the minds & heart. He's in there somewhere still. Find him and don't give up until you do. This doesn't mean put yourself in harms way, or supply his bad behaviors or help him get his flesh desires met. Just put all the issues aside for now. If you get a moment to speak to him, try to reach him in a neutral way. Teach him something you want him to know or understand when he is at peace about the two of you - when he has his guard down. God be with you and your family.

Stephanie - posted on 01/24/2014

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I hope things have changed since your last post. Believe me, you are not alone in thinking such dreadful thoughts. This is not a resolution to end your life, the problems will still be with you - forever if you do this. But if you wait it out and seek tomorrow - even if it feels hopeless, it will show you a different feel - outcome. Reach out to anyone you can for some help in dealing. First, ask God for help - to send help - believe He will send someone out of nowhere to say the right thing, do the right thing or you may just see the right thing that will give you a different new view of that day, moment. There is more than just you in this sometimes seemingly cold, cruel world. I don't know you, but your post was brought to my attention, I don't know you, but I care and now I will make sure to pray for you to find peace and joy for no apparent reason. There will be more positive friends coming your way soon. Be still and accept the good that is just for you - God heard your cry and He is sending help - wait and believe. Never give up hope! In Jesus name I respond - Stephanie

Stephanie - posted on 01/24/2014

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Once I asked a Christian leader about what to do about my son who was only 17 then, 19 now. He was smoking, having trouble maintaining school work, caught up in some lying; However, i knew he was a good kid with a good heart. Knew importance of right & wrong morally. It sounds like your daughter is a good girl with a good heart, but is trying to gain some individual sense of expression - finding herself. I think you should pick your battles. I believe what you do is not what she would do, mainly don't worry about what / how others would view her and treat her, judge her. Inform her of how the world will perceive her, and treat her, but let her know you want her to be honest and good to the best she can be and let her know you will accept her as she is physically, and even though all the tattoos and holes aren't your style, you so very much love and cherish her and will support her in growing up. Believe me, she will see how cruel the world can be to those who look different, she will need you to not be one of them. Tattoos, holes are not in you, or reflection of you. God loves her just as she "looks" as long as she is a good person inside which sounds like you may have had great part of doing by showing her there are rules and guiding her, protecting her all these past years. Don't lose her by pushing her away. Soon enough she will be gone anyway. Enjoy what time you have with her. Sometimes rules should be overlooked for the sake of keeping love between a parent and a an young adult. God bless you and your family.

Kevin - posted on 01/16/2014

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Kick his ass out the door. My parents never spanked me, instead my mother hit me in the face hard with an open hand or shoved a bar of soap in my mouth. My father was never around, he worked constantly. I was one of the worst students you could find but still made a fortune in real estate, starting from the bottom as a landlord from pennies saved to buy my first home then rented out. I did grow up in an Italian family, they don't take disrepect from anyone, exspecially their own children. To this day I help my parents and know my place and obligation to my parents. I was made to work summers in high school and had to be productive or catch the wrath of my mother, it worked. Personally I subscribe to the old ways of discepline, spare the rod, spoil the child. I feared my mother and I have no regrets. Teach them when they are young, before its to late.
Blessings
Kevin

Lost - posted on 12/24/2013

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Ive just been kicked out im thinking about suicide, its all just not worth it anymore

Tina - posted on 12/15/2013

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Life gets better! Your at a tough age and even in your 20's we all seem to feel a little lost. It's sorta like that transition from junior high to high school. So now We are hapoy to be out of school - but then what do we do? Some of us hit college & some folks dont. Even though it sucks being broke and having limited food - it's great to be alive!! Look for the good things in life - see more of the light & less darkness or despair. Your just in a phase rite now. You are blessed to be alive & matter so much as a person. Dont sell youself short. Talk to someone or a therapist and vent. We all need someone to talk to. Your life does have meaning and is worth living. Take walks and view the sky, nature . . .pray.....as you get older things fall into place more & u relax & learn to go with the flow more. It really will get bettet u got to believe that. dont take ur life plz

Zachary - posted on 12/10/2013

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This is why most teens begin to think about suicide if they haven't already because of their distracted parents who tend to overlook how a young man/women actually feels because time is different and society is way different from when parents were children. I am 19 and I fully support myself, i just basically got laid off, its christmas time, i have speeding tickets (all from my driving job), rent is due and i currently have 83 dollars to my name. My apartment recently had black mold from the permanently damaged septic system that nobody can pay to fix, and now our 'kitchen' floor is torn up exposing glue and stained cement. It's at most 40 degrees out everyday here in Colorado and I feel pretty suicidal right now. My parents are divorced and why I don't understand even though I am considerably mature for my age. My mom has started to ask me for pot because she recently found out that I smoke it, if I don't smoke I have a ridiculous temper and get very, very depressed and suicidal. I don't think it's right for her to buy from me because it makes it noticeably harder to have any respect for her. She seems oblivious to the fact that I'm so distant from everyone and that I actually have thought about suicide.

Jim - posted on 09/26/2013

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I commend you Cheryl! You definitely did the right thing by telling your "kid" to move out of the house. If she continued to defy your rules of the house, and pushing her rebelliousness even further, then you have the right to tell her to leave. This will show her that by living under YOUR roof...the one where you pay the mortgage, buy and prepare food, pay utilities, insurance, etc etc, she needs to abide by your rules, PERIOD! Once on her own, she will quickly discover just how difficult it is to make it out there. When she comes back begging to be let back in, then hopefully, she will have wised up, and is ready to live by your rules.

Troy - posted on 09/16/2013

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A parent kicking out a child for miniscule things like this is appalling. You should be disappointed in yourself. Rather than disciplining your child, like a normal parent, you disown and abandon them. In 10 years if this girl is struggling with the hardships of life because of the road you set for her, you'll understand. She got a piercing? A tattoo? Nice, my sister almost died from an over dose (her friend did) and she got grounded for pretty much a year w/ a strict tyrannical system. No phone, computer, straight home after school etc. The rents didn't kick her out for one simple reason, it wouldn't fix the situation but create a worst one. Sending her down the same road at a greater descent.

Mariluz - posted on 09/10/2013

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to ima non,

"A 19 year old is not a child by any stretch of the imagination" ima they are also not mature by any stretch of the imagination. the majority of 19 year olds react with their emotions, they still have no concept of danger. Most think partying first, consequences later. Mariluz....

Krystal - posted on 09/10/2013

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The best thing to do is let them do what they feel is right and just tell them from your experiences how you feel about the situation. My father raised me telling me what he thought was a bad idea, when I wanted to do it anyway I realized he was right and eventually I listened to his guidance. You need to let her make mistakes and just be there to accept her for who she is. Like it or not, she is an adult now and as much as we want to cling to them, we have to let them experience life and the mistakes it has to offer. I we don't, they won't learn and will only end up making even worse decisions. She's ready to do what she feels is right an she's trying to figure out what path is right for her. I don't think kicking her our was the right thing because yes, college is going to be harder to pay for and may even decide it's not for her so she can save what money she can. Let her get piercing after piercing, eventually she will learn that no job will higher her if she doesn't look professional. She will take them out with time. Let we enjoy being young before she has to let go for good.

Mariluz - posted on 09/10/2013

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I have 2 of my own, its hard but you have done the right thing. you cannot be responsible for her actions forever. You have seem to have done everything right with her. She will surely grow up now and learn to be more responsible. You have not pushed her into poverty, have you ever thought that mabe she would have moved in with him anyway? If you are a praying mom please do so. It truly helps. It is hard being a mom I know. Ive been there. God Bless

Ima - posted on 08/29/2013

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It is so difficult. But I believe in my heart that you did the right thing. My daughter also pushes the limits and has played games with me her whole life. It is so hard to see them make these bad decisions, but if we keep allowing them they will only continue. It is so hard, because we want the best for them.

I too have a daughter making bad decisions, and now she has made a grandchild with a boy who is 19 and only just graduated high school. He has no plans to go to school in the fall, and thinks it fine to paly video games til 4 am in the morning at my house and sleep until 2.00.

I have told them this is not allowed so then they go to his parents and stay there for three or four days. My daughter is 23.

I have said that I will help put here on her feet if she goes to college or university. I have also told her that her boyfriend can not lollygag around my house. He and she thinks he has a right to do so because he is the father. What is a father? to me it is someone who looks after the welfare of his family, not a kid who plays video games and sleeps until 2 pm on weekdays and works only 10 or less hours a week.

I am about to send her and him packing, and only wish that his parents would not allow her to move into their basement and play house there. Eating for free, sleeping all hours of the day and paying for nothing.

I too wish that I could get my daughter to gain some sense of realty! Like you I am worried and agonizing, but enabling this unrealistic behavior is certainly not going to help. Sigh what a quandary I am in!

Melissa - posted on 08/21/2013

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My son is 18 and I had to ask him to leave because as many of you have written it is the respect and to follow our rules which he said are ridiculous, He would rather be on the street than to do what we ask. I feel so helpless because I cant force him to want good for himself he would rather live in poverty than to follow my simple expectations. So what do I do if I let him come ho,me he will just continue to lie and do drugs I have to protect the rest of my family but I still cant help but feel like I failed him!

[deleted account]

Take your daughter to lunch and tell her how much you love her. Let her know that she is welcome to come home anytime but she has to follow the rules ... No more "I'm sorry". Let her know that this is the time for HER to set her goals and work towards them .... Tell her boyfriends and party time will come later... She is young.

Lisa - posted on 07/05/2013

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A few weeks ago I told my 24 year old son that he has 30 days to either leave or clean the upstairs that he dominates. Ok, cleaning is a trivial problem, but we have been here 5 years, he pays rent but the agreement was that he pick up after himself. Simple. So, for 5 years I have been begging him to pick up and he says: OK, but never does anything. So, a few times I have done it. I started to a few weeks ago because I was fed up with it, and I blew my top! I work my butt off to keep the rest of this place neat, work on our farm, make all of the meals, work, and he will be sitting on his butt playing video games. I had had it. That is the only thing my husband and I asked him to do, and he was never nasty about it, he just refused. Here's the shape of his room: Plates with crusty old food, the smell of stale root beer, no path to walk in - I just wish I could post photos.

No, not having a clean area is not the end of the world, but I begged him to go to counseling because living that way is not normal. I feel awful for asking him to leave if he wasn't going to even try to follow one simple rule of the house: pick up after yourself. After 5 years of haggling with him and the frustration it leaves, I blurted those words out.

My husband gives me a lot of guff about his area so then we would argue. I would then drink due to the mean things he says, and it became a vicious cycle. All the while, my son sits up there, in a bathroom that is so disgusting we will need HAZ MAT uniforms to clean it when he does leave.

I would love to beg him to stay and simply just clean. But this morning I saw that he has household supplies in his SUV - so he is ready to go. I am devastated, but I am tired of getting into trouble with my husband, when my son is not doing his part. I guess I just snapped that day because I was nervous about the rest of the house and really don't have time to clean up after him - and I shouldn't. But, it's trashed. We will have to replace the carpets, just everything. Yes, all things can be replaced but not our children.

One good thing, though, is that my son told me that he wanted to move closer to his job, long before I asked him to leave. He is tired of the commute so I can't blame him. Perhaps he wanted to be kicked out so that he didn't have to break the news to me? I don't know. I am already feeling the brunt of empty nest syndrome and wonder how I could have done something so stupid when he never gave me trouble otherwise. But, again, my husband is the breadwinner, so I pretty much do what I have to do in order to keep the peace.

Sorry so long, and please don't rag on me for an issue of cleanliness. It's not just that, but he is into these Celtic knives and two were just laying on the floor and my husband almost stepped on one which would have sliced his foot wide open. Since you can't see where you are going in my son's room, something had to give.

Ann Marie - posted on 06/27/2013

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I am so very sorry for your situation...I agree that we as parents are enabling our kids if we don't let them break away....
A good friend of mine gave me the ol pat on the back and praised me for not fixing my son's issues....after all, she said, you have to take care of you....even though I believe this to be true, we as moms let go in order to take care of our children ....not ourselves....
Just be strong....

Valerie - posted on 06/27/2013

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I am the mother of 17 y/or twin addicts. Been dealing with their addictions and behavior problems for many years (since age 12-13). I have tried everything from out-patient to in-patient rehab, inerventions, "scared straight", now they have been in and out of juvenile hall since age 15-16... they have been in the system with some GREAT resources to help them.. and nothing has worked.. one would have gotten off probation TODAY.. but messed up yet again on Monday- went missing until 1am and I had to call the police. There has to be safe boundries set, and if they continue to get broken, as they go into adulthood, those boundries need to be firm. It's hard! It's the hardest thing I have had to go through in my life.. they are both in custody at this time and the family advocates and county people that work with me and them had a meeting with me to start preparing me for the inevitable 18 year age they turn in less than 3 months. They told me that I really need to take care of myself and keep my boundries firm. Until they hit their "bottom", all I will be doing is enabling them to continue this destructive life they choose to live no matter what I do to intervene. It will probably kill me inside, but I am trying to prepare myself for the next 2 1/2months when they come home on some drugs or whatever, and I have to tell them they are not welcome to stay with me. That will mean I will probably see them living on the streets with the people that supply them the drugs, and lord only knows what else, but until they want to change, I can't change them.. it's taken me years to get to understand this. I have tried everything and then some. They have a nice home, nice things, and are rewarded for "good" things. But the bad outweighs the good and they are destroying their own lives and in turn, I have let my passion to "fix" them destroy many things about who I am.. it's easy to say this today, and tomorrow I may feel totally different, but I know what has to be done. Good luck everyone.. tough love is not bad parenting. It's many times what is needed in order to get our kids "well".. whether it be addiction to drugs, alcohol, bad people and/or choices... we can't coddle them forever as we are only enabling them to continue the destructive behavior that will in turn only hurt them more and for a longer period of time.

Ann Marie - posted on 06/26/2013

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Kicking out is very harsh....I think helping an adult child move into his/her own place makes for a good relationship down the road....just because we love them doesn't mean we can live under the same roof...

Ann Marie - posted on 06/26/2013

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Did the same thing with the almost same result....my son has not been vocally rude as much as he has the "I'm going to do it my way attitude"...

I said no to all of the following and included logical reasons for my concerns :

A. No ...don't quit college!
B. No ...don't get your own apartment at age 18!
C. No ...don't join the marines!
D. No ...don't marry her at age 20 before you go to Afghanistan !
E. No ...don't get kicked out of marines for smoking pot
F. No ...don't get your 17 year old wife pregnant...

Well, I'm a grandmother now and have only met my 18 month old grandson once because my son is divorcing and his wife lives in a different state....
He is 23 years old, and has been in and out of jail for so many reasons....it breaks my heart and yet I know that he has to do it on his own....I always throw in my two cents and when he calls me to tell me a out a new problem, I simply say "that's horrible honey, what are you going to do about that?" After all, he did not believe that any of my advice was worth considering...
I have come to believe that all you can do is love your children....some kids grow up faster than others and I don't think we as parents of adult kids have control....
They need to get "banged up" like we did when we were young and as long as they are not medicAlly hurting, we have to let life teach them the ways of the world....

Lauren - posted on 06/22/2013

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I have read many women writing what I am going through. Your sorrow is understood. I would like to have a perfect relationship with my children, however at this time its not possible. I believe we have to provide for them as we brought them into the world. Once they are 18, well the economy is bad now so you can give them some slack on finding a job. I am 55 and for the first time I am filing an eviction paper on my adult son and daughter. I have the fear they will commit suicide - fall into homelessness. HOWEVER they dont respect me, my rules, they call me a C_nt. The "C" word. My son has brought 3 homeless friends to live with me. I had to throw them out. What I am saying is I understand your pain BUT I am going to do it. I am presenting my 2 adult children ages 20 and 24 with an eviction notice. They wont go to college, work etc.
I want my life back, the service is a great career but they wont even consider it. I work for a corporation on salary most of my days are at least 12hr days. My income is low - recession. They suck every bit of life out of, make fun of me. Never ever are happy. Screw this ladies I am filing the 3 day notice on these lazy bums. IF by chance they decide to attend college or trade school I will stop the eviction. However if they attend college they must live a dorm.
It feels good and I will report back my results.

Sarah - posted on 06/20/2013

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HELP! PLEASE! I don't know what to do! my 20 yr old daughter called, practically begging for help to get back home, away from her abusive, alcoholic 35 yr old boyfriend. yes 35! After she got here he actually called me at 7 a.m., drunk, and i couldn't even understand what he was saying his slurring was so bad. But he was yelling and i could make out lots of cuss words. As calmly as i could, told him to never call me again and to leave jane alone. He then text me how he was going to kill me, which i saved. She saw the messages. About 4 days after her arrival, she started talking with him again and wants to go back. She knows i will not give her money to do so. This the 2nd time this has happened with a different guy. She does attend college , i have a trust fund set up for her for that purpose only-school. She's 'taking a break' from school now. I feel I feel i have failed as a mother for the poor decisions she is making. how do i talk her out' of it? She just told me last night she is going back next week. He cleans boat bottoms in key west. The only way to keep her here is to let him move up here with us, we have campers on our campground property. I haven't told my husband yet. Jane's step father.I didn't want to ruin his work day, he loves her like she is his own daughter, and she feels the same.
WHAT DO I DO? My husband has had words, quite haarsh, with him as well.

Danielle - posted on 06/03/2013

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Me personally...There isn't anything in the world that I can think of that would make me kick them out. The main reason is because I've seen too many cases where the child was kicked out and was killed or murdered...I personally won't take that risk.

Another thing...Reading what you wrote sounds A LOT like me when I was a teen. My parents NEVER kicked me out and eventually I learned. I respect my parents because I knew they loved me unconditionally when they would give me those heart to heart talk about I am disappoint in you...You can do so much better...blah blah blah...I listen and I CARED. I am now a nurse. I am grateful for my parents. Your child may not see it as tough love...She may think that your love has limitations.

Another thing my parents did...When I did something they were proud of..they told me.They acknowledged the good I did so that in return made me want to do good. Best wishes to you.

Julie - posted on 04/09/2013

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I have a 19 yo son who is also goes to a local community college. We aren't speaking - when he is home he is sleeping or locking himself in his bedroom playing on his PS3 - or computer. He knows we don't have a lot of money he gets a check from my VA benefits, but he's changed so much I don't know how to deal with him. I have a lot guilt because my ex just dropped out of site, and I had a pretty bad childhood that I do not want to repeat. I don't know how to talk to him, but I'm gettiing really depressed. I did not want my life to be like this at my age - I really want him to move out and I know he will soon, he does not help out around the house, and I don't feel like cleaning because I'm not the maid. I feel his friends are taking advantage of him because he's the only one with a car. I need some help - I havee a great therapist but I would like information from other moms who are going thru this same thing. I know I will miss him when he moves out, but I really don't want our relationship to go on like this - I am so miserable I can't sleep - I don't want to eat or clean or anything. I don't have much of a life. Any suggestions?

Cassia - posted on 01/04/2013

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Im having the same issue. She's in college and working. Comming in at 4am. Sleeping when she'she's. Home. I'm a single mom trying to make it. So when I ask for a little help she leaves

Denise - posted on 12/28/2012

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In my opinion you did the right thing . If she can not abide by your house rules , she needs to find somewhere else to live . Tough love . The real world is a harsh reality . Maybe she will understand what she had?

Shell - posted on 12/24/2012

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Life Among the Savages is a disrespectful memoir of my children.
Shirley Jackson

Shell - posted on 12/24/2012

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Some very nice parents have some very rude children. In fact, parents may be busy taking parenting courses and reading parenting books and doing everything in their power to learn how to be respectful and loving toward their kids. Their children, however, are not busy taking courses; they're just being "natural." When they feel upset or frustrated, they show it – by stamping their feet, yelling, crying, whining or employing any method of communication that gets the message across. In moments of intense frustration, some kids insult their parents: "You're so mean!" "I hate you!" "You don't know anything!" Some kids slam doors or phones. But what is natural and what is not? sometimes there are certain rules and them rules need to be obeyed,
I gave up my job as soon as i had her, because to me the first foundation is home.. I never worked up to now she is 21, im doing Pschologhy degree, My thinking was my chirdren, my responsibilty.
But now just feel as if all my efforts in trying to bring her up have just gone out of the window,

Shell - posted on 12/24/2012

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I just had to kick my daugher out, she hit me because all she does is wake up and on the phone 24 seven. No respect in helping me in housework or even providing at least little in house, as she lives my home free and besides that she gets students loans and blows the money on God knows what. I was bought up with morals and very good principles . Unfortunetly kids these days are extremely rude no matter what you do for them they are ungrateful. I dont want my other ones to learn from her. Even i tried to be so patient, it was so hard that she would verbally use bad launguage towards me, at times i feel were did i go wrong? I bought her up with all my effort, stayed with her in hospital day and night because of her exma, helped her to fill in university forms, gave her all my attention , being a freind, mother siter ect. I really cant take anymore abuse from her so I am being strong now, if my father was alive he would have never excepted rude behaviour, but were are the morals gone these days? no its not always the parents to blame. Shame how the society is heading, I am totally shocked at her behaviour at being 21... thats adult not child. Let her learn the hard wau now, by payiong her own bills , food, perhaps that will mke her humble and reaslise the respect of parents!

Atlanta - posted on 12/05/2012

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Thank you Fila mom. You are right. I respect other people's views but I don't agree with comments made that we should never kick children out. I had to do something and I tried everything else. She had zero respect for us and wouldn't blink an eye when breaking rules. Enabling bad choices and behavior is just not something I can do. While my children mean everything to me I still have my own identity. I have watched so many parents cover for their children and put up with situations they shouldn't and it always ends badly for the child because they aren't prepared for reality. I hope my daughter learns something. You are right chasing after her is probably what she wants so I am going to do nothing for awhile.

Fila - posted on 12/04/2012

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Atlanta Mom, who knows what the right answer is with these kids today. What works for one doesn't work for the other. All I can say is stay strong and don't give in to temptation. As hard as we want to help we have to find restraint. I never called my daughter or answered her texts when she tried to reach out a few times. The less you give the more they want. It makes them appreciate more. in the beginning, I didn't even encourage her to stay over when she came to visit, even though we knew she would rather stay then have to drive back home to her grandparents house. I kept my distance and didn't act too excited when she come over. I needed for her to work at winning us back. She had to learn the value of the importance of family. We went places with her brother and we didn't ask her to come.



She never mentions her boyfriend and we never ask. As far as we are concerned, he doesn't exist. It would be nice if she got rid of the loser completely, but by not allowing any kind of contact or acknowledgement of their relationship, we are letting her know that he is not welcomed and does not have a place in our family. Now when my daughter does come to stay for a weekend about once a month, she spends time with her brother and the family and I can see she really does not want to go back, but has no choice. We make hard choices as parents and our kids won't get it till they got their own.

Atlanta - posted on 12/03/2012

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Fila mom



Your response was very helpful. Thank you for sharing. We have a very similar situation. I just hope mine ends sooner rather than later. My daughter refuses to speak to me or her step father who raised her. It is very painful and very sad. This was the first Thanksgiving in 18 years we spent apart.

Fila - posted on 12/03/2012

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I kicked my daughter out over 2 years ago in January of 2010. It was something that had come to a head and was bound to have happened.

I blame the boyfriend for brainwashing and poisoning my daughter's mind against us. Before she had met him, she was on her way to become a nurse.

She met him June of 2009 on a Carnival Cruise coming out of New York. I call it now the Devil's cruise. She was finished with school and was ready to take her exam to get her license.

It never happened. She spent all her free time that summer with him. Never opened up a book once to review for the exam. I even filled out the application and paid the registration fee for the test. All she cared about was being with him. Nothing else mattered. It quickly became obvious that he was obsessive, jealous and and very controlling. All he wanted was her to be with him in Brooklyn all the time. He called her constantly and if she did not answer his text or his calls, he would argue with her. He would call our house looking for her if she was downstairs watching TV with her brother and not responding to his calls. We tried to talk to her but she would yell at us "You can't tell me what to do — I'm 22 years old" "Leave me alone" "I can do what I wan't" She had changed since she met him. She no longer spent time with us and within a few months became a stranger in our house. We were the evil parents who tried to stop her relationship with her boyfriend. Nothing mattered. She never took her exam so I told her she had to get a job. I found her a job in Ruby Tuesday and told her that since she wants to be an adult, then she can start paying rent as an adult and pay me back for all the money we spent to put her through school.



I had hoped that this would be a wakeup call for her and that she would realize how hard it was to pay for rent on a waitress salary rather than to apply herself to pass her exam and find a job. Well needless to say, after meeting him in June of 2009, I kicked her out and she was forced to live with him in Brooklyn at his parents house. We no longer had contact with her. She hated me because I cancelled her cell phone (which she ran up a $600 phone bill because he called her constantly) and after a month we cancelled her car insurance and forced her to bring back her car. My daughter growing up at home was like most kids today — spoiled, selfish and clueless. She only had 2 jobs her whole life and we didn't force her to get a job because we wanted her school to be the priority to get good grades. I think I had enough when she showed us no respect, never talked to us, locked herself up in her room, never cleaned her room or her bathroom, no longer washed even a cup, ran out whenever she had a chance to her boyfriend's house for 2-3 days every week. My house had turned into a flop house for her to come and crash. So I was done.



We had one final blow up when she didn't come home and I called her and told her to get out of my house. That the gravy train was over and since she wanted to be with her boyfriend so much now she can be with him all the time. I told her to come and pick up her stuff when we weren't' home and never to come home again. I was so furious with her. The daughter that I loved and gave everything to didn't appreciate anything that we did for her. So she moved into her boyfriends house with his parents. We don't know what happened there, but I'm sure it was not the best environment. I heard that they fought constantly and that she was doing nothing with her life and at one point was working in a laundromat as a folder. I have no words to describe how I felt that she was giving up her future for this guy. After a few months, she moved out (I believe his parents were fed up with her sponging off of them and her tumultous relationship with her boyfriend) and moved in with her cousin. She never called us and asked to come home, except for once when her father called her and asked her to come home she said only if we never said anything to her and let her do what she wanted. Of course I would not allow her to control us any longer and said let her figure life on her own in that case. She lasted with her cousin a few months and by the summer she had moved in with her grandparents (my parents). Of course, I was furious that my parents had let her in because I felt that she needed to hit rock bottom and that she also needed to apologize to us for treating us the way she did before everyone in the family accepted her back with no consequences as to her actions. But they did, which did cause a family rift for about a year. I didn't talk to my daughter for a 1-1/2 years. No birthdays, Mothers Day, Christimas, New Years. They were probably the hardest times for us, but we worked through it and after a while we accepted the situation the way it was.



Until I finally came let go of the hurt and the anger that I had built up inside of me.



Today, we talk and my daughter does come to visit. But she lives full-time with her grandparents. Since she has been there my mother's health has deteriorated to the point where my daughter has become my mother's caregiver. She feels obligated to help her grandfather since he is the one who took her in. Does she lead a great life now? No, she has had to put her whole life on hold now for her grandparents. She confided in me that she has forgotten everything she learned in school and has no clue what to do with her future and that her living situation has made it difficult for her to have any kind of career right now. She cannot leave her grandparents, because her grandfather relies on her too much for everything. But in all of this, she has matured, and is the most sincerest and kind-hearted kid there is. My heart goes out to my daughter because I know now she has her regrets that she didn't listen to me and stick with school, but has also learned a valuable life lesson.



I don't know what the future holds for her, since she is still with her loser boyfriend. She doesn't bring him around to the family. When and how she sees him, I don't know. She barely sees him and is always at home at her grandparents house. She is no longer a child, and we did the best we could with her, but now the choices she made in her life is that path that she will have to go down on her own.



I still struggle with whether I made the right choice by throwing her out, at times I feel like it was her boyfriend who knew what buttons to push so that I would reach my limit and throw her out. Her father believes this was meant to be so she can be there for her grandparents and that she will find her way in life and the sacrifices she is making now has made her a more giving and compassionate person.

Atlanta - posted on 10/22/2012

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Cheryl I am sorry for what you are going through. Sandra I was so happy to read your post and know that your daughter came out of this ok. i am struggling with the same situation. My daughter has it made here. We paid for her car and car insurance, provided her food etc. The only thing she had to do was go to school and get good grades. Well last semester she skipped some classes. she is seeing a guy we cant stand. He is very emotionally abusive. He tells her she is a liar and a cheater all the time. Her sister came home from college and we watched a movie as a family. When she didnt text him for 2 hours he went ballistic and made her cry. Teh guy is so crazy when he thought he was losing her he told her he has lukemia. He doesnt. Even though we cant stand the kid we let her see him on weekends our only rule was he couldnt be in our car. She was to see him and his house or meet him some where. We found out she has been using the car we pay for to run his errands and take him places he wants to go. She has been sneaking him into our house and sneaking out at night. She is very immature emotionally. There is a marked difference between her and her twin sister. The boy she is seeing is not here legally. To top it off i found out she is having sex with him. We kicked her out because she wont follow our rules. She puts this guy above everything else in her life. I found texts where she told him she hated me. There was another text where she told him i was going to do a room inspection because she is very messy. His response was if its not done to her satisfaction tell her to do it herself. thats the kind of person he is. So we kicked her out, took her car, took her phone, and canceled her car insurance. SHe is living with an aunt who will not put up with this type of behavior either. Hopefully she will realize how good she had it here and come back home a different person and minus him in her life.

Robin - posted on 10/22/2012

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I think 19 is young. she should be told no more piercings. However she is an adult and may not comply. But she should be told she can come home. At 18 how we decide we are educated and career is what we do for the rest of our lives. Most people do the same thing they did at 18 or 19 years old. for example I was going to college at 19 and working in a factory and I am still working in a factory. The major she chose possibly wasn't the right one. College is hard. I know. some of the science and electronics classes I took were difficult. I changed my major many times. I got a two year degree and did not ever finish. She is still not mature you must understand that. The more you do not want her to see the dishwasher boy, the more she will want to see him. You should tell her to move back in and have a career test at the college she what her strong points are with math and science or reading. I know I have two teenagers who also are very lazy. Just pray for her prayer helps a lot. Children do not understand that an education is so important. The correct major is also important to choose. You must understand that what you and her decide now at 19, will set the foundation for the rest of her life.

Sandy - posted on 10/20/2012

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I am so sorry to hear everyone is going through the same thing we are. My daughter is 27 years old and has been putting us through this for 8 years. She has had an awesome boyfriend for 7 months and we were so happy, but she is getting back in with her loser friends, and is starting to treat him really bad. I am afraid she is going to back slide, I pray for each of you who are going through this, becuase I know the misery, sadness, and pain it causes. I just wish there were a simple answer. May God Bless each of you.

Shirley M - posted on 10/18/2012

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I have a similar problem...I am a grandmother of a 17 year old girl...she is very disrespectful...I can not say anything to her...because I do not know anything...I have had Jasmine since she was 4 yrs old...her mom was the same as Jasmine once she turned 15...the same as Jasmine...she had Jas when she was 17yrs old...i do not want the same pattern to happen again...but I see it coming...once you go through it you know what is going to happen...I sent Jas back to her mother when she turn 15 and she started to act up...they were doing ok until I got sick and had to come to live with my daughter and my granddaughter in her family...my granddaughter say the disrespect her mother had for me and start to imitate her and treat me the same way...I had a stroke and three heart attacks...that is why I came to live with my daughter because the doctor said I was not going to live...I should have went into a nursing home...I did get better and went to live in a senior home...I was away from them for 6 months when my daughter called and said my granddaughter had ran away from home...I had not been in touch with my granddaughter and on saw my daughter every now and than...so I did not have anything to do with her running away...my daughter was gone for 2 days...my daughter had the police looking for her...I had given my granddaughter a cell phone...so I was able to track her on line calls and let everyone who she had call and everyone who called her know that the police was looking for her...friends of her was calling me afraid stating that she was not with them...I let them know that I know when she last talked to them...and I had also tracked their address where they lived from their telephone number on line...and hour later she calls me and stated she was afraid to go home and if she could come to my house...of course I was concerned for her safety and told her to come...I wanted to make sure she was ok...her mother was very angry and put her out...so there I was stuck again with my granddaughter who promised she had changed and that she understood...I was sick and that she was going to behave and that she did not want to go back to her mother...I moved from my senior home into a townhouse with Jas who is very disrespectful was expelled from school and started to hang out all night and days in the street with out me knowing where she is...she has joined job corp and is about to be put out of it...she only want to hang out...so far I have not seen her high or drinking...but I seem to be stuck...her mother says you took her back I do not want her...now what do I do...? very sad...love my granddaughter but do not want to get sick again...

Tina Marie - posted on 10/06/2012

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Mother Pray For These Mislead Teens! I'm going through the same thing my beautiful son graduated from high school at age 17 went to Everest College graduated for pharmacy tech started going out with the wrong crowd found out he was dealing weed we flushed it he hates us for doing that he tried

to fight his father we put him out an hour later he lost his's on ecstacy, weed, mollies and drinks

he's thrown away all that he's achieved I'm trying to get him in rehab, Mother To Mother I Know This HurtsYet Pray For Strength! Try All That You Can Before Giving Up!!! Hey To That Person Who Said We Wrong For Kicking Our 18 or !9 Year Old Out, Are We Suppose To Let The Law Bust Down Our Door And Take The Whole family To Jail? This Kid Cannot Sell Drugs From My House Or Around Me Sometimes TOUGH LOVE MEANS LETTING GO!!!

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