Moving BACK HOME

Susan - posted on 09/01/2009 ( 16 moms have responded )

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Ok, anyone else dealing with Adult Children (such an oxymoron don't you think???) moving back home? My son, 20, moved back after one semester at college. He hated the small town that his school was in and came home to attend school locally. Here is my thing....he thinks he's an adult but in my mind an adult fully carries all financial matters by himself, does not depend on parents for car ins, place to live, etc. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that both my older kids felt that they could come home because that wasn't how I felt when I left home. But, and there's always a "but", both he and his sister (24) do little if anything to help in the house and I have no support from my husband in dealing out consequences if they don't do what is asked; what, if anything, can I do? I work 20-30 hrs. a week and still have a 15 yr. old to chauffeur around so I'm really trying to not get an attitude with them. Suggestions, tips? They do all their own laundry and basically are independent except in helping keep up the home that they live in.

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Tami - posted on 09/04/2009

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I believe that this is something a lot of parents go through. Sometimes it's best to have a meeting and lay down some house rules. I remember my mother telling me some of them when I was a young adult. Being an adult does not mean you have no rules you have to go by. All of us have certain rules we have to live by at any age. We go from our parents rules in their home to the IRS's rules, employers' rules, banks' rules, insurance rules.......in our own home. Sometimes you have to tough love it and tell them if they can find a cheaper, rule free place to live then what they have now, they chould go there immediately!!

Dyanne - posted on 09/03/2009

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Sit down with pencil and paper write out a contract!!! Each talk about rules, limits, money etc...each others expectations and see if you come to a meeting of the minds from the start!

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Megan - posted on 06/01/2011

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In the same boat here. Only mine is my 19 year old daughter that just finished her first year of college. Home only for the summer, but she is so used to making her own decisions that we are in conflict. I have told her that she must be talking to the maid that we don't have. I try not to treat her like a child, but she seems to think that her summer off of school means a summer off of all responsibility. Hate to say it but I am looking forward to September :)

Paula - posted on 03/31/2011

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We have experienced this several times. We have 4 daughters and at some time each has come home, 2 of them with children. Presently our 25 yr old and her 2 yr old live with us. She works part time, goes to school on line and cares for her son. She asked for chore assignments because she was over whelmed tryng to remember everything. We help her financially and she helps with groceries when possible. Our youngest daughter moved home 3 times. The last move out she was told that she could not come home again. We love her but she has to grow up and now she is mom to twins! my advice would be set boundries and consquences. Even if your husband doesn't back you. I would also use the trash bag approach. If your child can't pick after themself, when you pick up their things it goes in a trash bag no matter what it is. Use the same trash bag for as long as possible. When they ask where something is tell them in the bag and to get it back they have a chore to complete. Sounds childish but thats' how they are acting.

Traci - posted on 03/23/2011

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Glad to know we aren't the only ones having issues with our *adult* children, sad thing is when we mentioned $$$ they owed for all their bills & groceries we were paying for them while they both have great jobs, well when we cut them off finacially they stopped talking with us, I send text messages and emails and still dont hear back....I know we did the best we could, if not better and then we get treated this way!!!!! makes me sad and I cry each time I think of it...HELP, not sure how I am to feel.....I feel we did right, now we are treated as if we did wrong!!! ughhhhhh never did I think the kids would turn on us!!! why oh why do they all feel we *OWE* them???? never did I make my parents feel this way

Donna - posted on 09/16/2009

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I am in the same shoes you are. My step-daughter moved back home after moving back from Colorado. She lived with her boyfriend at first, but now she is back home. Her dad does everything for her. She only has to ask and she gets it. She is 21 years old and he cleans up her room and does her laundry. I refuse. She and I don't talk a lot. I love her very much but I feel that she takes advantage of her father and I get very frustrated with that. It is very difficult to say anything since she is not my biological daughter. He thinks I am picking on her. I feel your pain. If I had my own way, I would tell my stepdaughter to get a clue. I would tell her to start helping out or get out. We were not put on this earth to cater to anyone. Good luck.

Deb - posted on 09/14/2009

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Oh boy can I relate! I have 3 adult kids(yes oxymoron). My oldest moved back home after failing out a semester of college and her fiance' dumping her. She did find a job and was working but not paying for anything. Then one day when she wrote something on the shopping list on the fridge, we told her she was buying the groceries this time. After a bit of being told off, we were able to talk and she got it and found an apartment, went back to school and has just graduated just this week with her BA in Psychology! She still worked full time while going to school and doing her internship!!
Then my 21 year old daughter is in her 4th year of a 2 year college and has no intention of moving out! We keep hinting but she thinks we are kidding! And I have always told myself that I wouldn't throw my kids out. And then there is my 20 year old son that moved in with his girlfriend when he started college. But he started skipping classes and drinking. Eventually he flunked out of school, lost his girlfriend, and his girlfriend spent all his savings. SO he moved back home and keeps telling us that he is an adult, he has lived on his own, and he will come and go as he pleases. I have told him that being on his own didn't make him more responsible apparently. And I hate to do anything that will make him move out right now because ha is back and school and his unit in the National Guard has been put on alert for deployment! So in the mean time what is a mom to do? My husband is of no help. He was raised by his aunt and uncle then went to live with his dad for his last 2 years of high school. On graduation day his dad told him to get out so he moved back with his aunt & uncle. So he is of old school and says he was thrown out and survived. But he was able to go back to "family" ! So I am at whits end! Any suggestions? Anyone???

Onesta - posted on 09/07/2009

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I told my oldest when she moved out not to come back. No because I didn't love her, but because she is use to living her way and coming back home, my way of living and hers would clash. We have a fantastic relationship and I would like it to stay that way. I told her no matter what happens always try to keep a place to stay. Don't worry about electricity, gas, or phone. I would help her out. She left home when she was 19. She is 30 now and has not returned

Marie - posted on 09/05/2009

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U should tell them with a serious face u will start charging if no help, just like if they have a room mate

Marie - posted on 09/05/2009

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Welcome the the club of being a mother of "no help kids" I have the same problem with my older who is 25 and put on top of that he have a girlfriend who drop in announce at times. They leave the place a mess a times and gone about their business. My 21 yr old do help when he comes to visit on the weekend and I am glad for that, so I try to give him as much as I can. He will check up on me if I am in my room, each time all day and ask me if I am ok. and yes he buy is own things and pay his way in college. Tell them that u r going to move to a smaller place for two where u can be happy and take things up when u know u put it there, u will have less stress and don't have to worry about ur heart giving way, because u want to live to see ur 15yr old reach their age to go to college and at this rate it don't look like it will happen. Let them know things can get bad and lead to serious illness which may can't be reverse and it is not fair that the younger one should suffer because of them, so every one have to put their socks and start walking a straight line to me u live longer to retire and rock in your chair.( I went through similar experience earlier in life and now I am a cancer survivor). So let them know u don't want that to happen to u. Hope I help somewhat.

WENDY - posted on 09/04/2009

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Quoting Susan:

Moving BACK HOME

Ok, anyone else dealing with Adult Children (such an oxymoron don't you think???) moving back home? My son, 20, moved back after one semester at college. He hated the small town that his school was in and came home to attend school locally. Here is my thing....he thinks he's an adult but in my mind an adult fully carries all financial matters by himself, does not depend on parents for car ins, place to live, etc. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that both my older kids felt that they could come home because that wasn't how I felt when I left home. But, and there's always a "but", both he and his sister (24) do little if anything to help in the house and I have no support from my husband in dealing out consequences if they don't do what is asked; what, if anything, can I do? I work 20-30 hrs. a week and still have a 15 yr. old to chauffeur around so I'm really trying to not get an attitude with them. Suggestions, tips? They do all their own laundry and basically are independent except in helping keep up the home that they live in.



Yep, I can beat that! My eldest not only left home but the country for nearly four years, but it looks like he is aiming to move back....like nothing has changed, huh ! so much for getting your life back??

PAM - posted on 09/03/2009

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I hear you. I have a 23 year old son who never left home. College in the same city and now is looking for full time work. He can not afford to live on his own. We also have a 14 year old son. I work 40 hrs a week. The older one helps cook and carpool the younger one, clean and remodel the house. But sometimes it is hard.

Rhonda - posted on 09/02/2009

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I hear you Susan. My husband and I are in a similar situation with our youngest and wife with their two children having moved back in with us once again. This time round it is better but of course not perfect in regards to our privacy and the higher standards of the way we (hubby & I) like to have our house is of course quite different to theirs.



These are trying times but family is family and the way I see it is it could be quite the opposite situation with us never seeing them at all. Hopefully they will all find their way again - SOON - rather than too much later and they will work even harder to keep it as I do know they would prefer their own place.

Bess - posted on 09/01/2009

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Have a family meeting. Let them know while you welcome them back that as adults it is now a roommate situation and that they need to be respectful of the common areas and help with the chores. These are things they would have to do if living alone or with roommates. It is not too much to expect but you need to be honest and upfront about it so that you do not drown in chores and end up resenting them. We had a contract and they lived up to it. When they started skipping some of it we showed it to them and asked them if they were happy living here or were ready to move out again. One moved out, one shaped up. The one that moved out said it helped him to get out on his own and not take advantage of the situation. The other one has since moved into an apartment with his brother and they are both happier and better able to handle all that goes into living with people as roommates not kids.

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