my 20 year old is always w/ her boyfriend

Randi - posted on 07/26/2009 ( 22 moms have responded )

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Hello. Newbie here and looking for advise. My older dtr 20yrs commutes to college 3days a week long hours. Then has to do 18 hrs of externship. She recently has become serious w/her boyfriend who I do like. My problem is... if she is home (or suppose to be) she usually has a reason to go to his house, she is rarely home on her free nights, and it is starting for the past few weeks to bother both me and her sister. What to do???

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Yvonne - posted on 11/08/2011

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Please give me advice, we are a christian family living in a Moslem country, my daughter started dating a moslem guy and since day one have fights because we dont accept him according to her, we take him out with us we go to dinners we are friendly when he visits but we did tell her that we dont approve his religeon, now we have regular fights and we never fight about anything. Talking to her is impossible. 3am this morning she stood in the street talking to him I waited for her to come inand told her a guy that cares about his girlfriend will not do that it is winter now and we dont have medical aid as it is, on top of it we live in a county where she can go to jail if the police catch her with a boy even if they are just talking he is moslem he should know why is he endangerine her and our family. I understand she is a young adult and need her own space she is a student a live with us withour us she has nowhere to go nowhere to live she is an A student. Please guys help me I have no more tears.

Monica - posted on 09/22/2009

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after reading some of your post I have to say we all seem to be in the same boat. I laughed at some, and cried at some and could totally relate to all of them. I have a doctors appt. for her this week because I am so not ready to be a grandma. I love my daughter and have faith that she will make good decisions for herself in life, I fell I did my job well raising her and now it is her time to learn how to be an adult and make her own set of mistakes, but I will always be there for her!!!

Paula - posted on 08/02/2009

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Good Luck!! I was in the same situation and never figured it out. I ended up with a hurt heart.. She quite collage run off got married and kno is pregnat:(.. Don't mean i don't love her I LOVE HER WITH ALL MY HEART..just was heart broke..I will PRAY for you and your daughter.

Donna - posted on 08/01/2009

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Don't sweat it Randi. I know exactly where you're coming from. I used to get so upset about it but then I thought about what a great boyfriend my daughter has. I f you really like your daughter's boyfriend and want to spend time with her maybe you could find something to do involving both of them. That's what I did. If you can't stand him try to divert her attention to someone else. I hope that helps and good luck.

Tammy - posted on 08/01/2009

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My daughter is 20 and in her junior year at college. She is a young adult and let her be the woman that she needs to be. Let her have her independence. I know we as moms want to hold on as long as we can. I feel that I've raised my daughter to the best of my ability to let her know what is right and what is wrong and to be a christian. You just got to believe that she is doing the right things and if not that she will confined in you for help. Just be there for her and love her.

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I agree, tell her how you feel. I have learn't though from experience that sadly sometimes you have to let them spread their wings and fly.

Moira - posted on 07/31/2009

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I understand the pain and frustration. My 18 yr old is the same. I had the same problem with the last boyfriend, and now the new boyfriend I try to ignore it, and get on with my own life. I have done my best in raising her and I know she is a good kid, dosent do drugs, holds down a full time job. Is well liked in the community and by friends. I wanted more for my daughter, I want her to be free and enjoy life, Travel and experince what life has to offer. She now has to find this out for her self and I guess make her own mistakes.Sorry I have no answers but I do understand and miss my daughter at times. It seems to be a lonley transition as a mother from them needing you to never having time anymore. But I have found comfort in your words, and that I am not the only one that feels this way.

Donna - posted on 07/30/2009

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I have this too. Try inviting the boyfriend over for dinner on the weekend, downside you get him...upside you get her too. I also try and have girls night scheduled at least twice a month. Don't nag!! the more we push the more they dig in their heels. Godd Luck

Theressa - posted on 07/30/2009

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I have a 19 year old daughter who likes to spend quite a bit of time with her friends as well. Do you think that you could suggest to her that you would like her to commit just one day a week to a "girl day" with you and your other daughter? That way she would know she has free time for her boyfriend and other things she would like to do, but then there would be one day a week that the three of you could commit to spending some time together.

Hope this helps :)

Theressa

Diana - posted on 07/30/2009

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Nothing!!! Maybe just letting her know you're concerned that she's spreading herself too thin or will lose momentum (or whatever else may concern you), Nothing!!! Seriously, I've really found that the more you try to fight it, the more they'll gravitate toward it!! For the most part, I think that's pretty normal for that age, tho!!

Tricia - posted on 07/29/2009

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my daughter just finished 1st yr college, almost 3 yrs with same boyfriend. he is a really nice guy - but i still miss having her around - we still do stuff as a family, he comes with us alot, but when he is working or not here, i try to make sure i'm available for her if she wants to do something - keep communication open and make sure she knows how you feel about all the tough subjects - and know what is expected of her.

LAURA - posted on 07/29/2009

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I have a 19 year old the same way. They are grown just ask them, lol. That is until they want something. Just keep your eyes open. Stay in tuned to what is going on...

Fi - posted on 07/29/2009

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tell her how much you love her and how you miss your time together and while your pleased she has met a nice guy. Can you make a special time for you guys. Good luck

Linda - posted on 07/29/2009

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I understand where you are coming from I have 2 daughter age 20, and 21. My 21 yr old is never at home she is alwas with her boyfriend of 2 years , she even says "I dont live here" when the topic of chores comes along ( even though she showers ,eats and I still so her laundry ) This has been going on for about a year Now guess what happened ??? Can anyone guess ? Well lets just say my 1st grandaughter will be born Nov 29, 2009!! Which I am happy now but it took some tears and prayers to get to the happy part. Now I should give her the credit of staying in school ( shes in nursing school) and she and her boyfriend just bought a house (So she really be moving out in a few weeks) I think maybe if I had put my foot down and made her follow my rules of the house she might be in a different place in her life now. So I continue to second guess myself . Now my 20 yr old works 2 jobs goes to oxford studing to be a math teacher has a boyfriend 2+ years and spends most of her free time with him mostley till 2 , 3 , 4 am almost everysingle day . Now I really like this boyfriend and ive known him and his parents for many years . But I still dont want a repeat of the most recent history.So I sat down with her and explained my concerns and I think she kinda blew me off by saying Mom Im not stupid Im not going to make my sisters mistakes . She says Trust me . So Thats about all I can do . I sure dont want to alienate her. So I Trust her and in the lord that she at lease heard my concerns and knows that at the very least I love her enough to talk. I dont know if this helps any of you ,But we must remember they are young adults old enough to make their own decisions and if we push to hard they could leave our homes for good and go .

Kerry - posted on 07/29/2009

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Your daughter sounds like a responsible girl going to school, etc.. You like her boyfriend. Be thankful! Your time with her will come around again when she gets older.

At 20 I definately wanted to spend time with friends and not my parents. Now I talk to my mom several times a week.

Lois - posted on 07/29/2009

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I agree with many of the other posts. Talk to her about what you are feeling. Plan a time for her and her boyfriend to join the family and spend time with you.

Angelique - posted on 07/28/2009

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My son is also 20 and when he started dating this girl he was hardly home as well. So I started having more family activities at home like for example i told him that I want him home for dinner twice a week and bring the girlfirend along with her parent and that seems like its working so far.

Angel - posted on 07/28/2009

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I have a 19 yr old son who is in college and spends all of his free time with his girlfriend. I often invite him and her to go to dinner with my husband and me. (without the rest of the kids) This lets my son and his girlfriend see that we see them as adults. I also make sure to include his girlfriend in our family plans. She is a big part of his life and sometimes you have to share them or risk losing them.

Arleen - posted on 07/27/2009

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Hey Newbie. I also have a 20yr old who spends alot of time with her boyfriend.What my husband and I do is we make plans to have a day we could all go out together. Sometimes she even invites her boyfriend and sometimes she doesn't.Try It.. it might work for you. Just make sure that when you do have her to yourself make it one of her best days....then maybe she wont invite him to hang out with you guys because she'll remember how much fun she had without him being there

Tracy - posted on 07/27/2009

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hi there new here my self .. have a two daughters one older thne 20 the other not far of 20 .. my advice would be let her be happy and be there for when and if she needs you both .. you will allways be her mum :)

Sandra - posted on 07/27/2009

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FIRST, realize that she is a young adult. THEN have faith that you raised her right and let God guide both HER AND YOU ! I know this from experience, my youngest starts college in two weeks. I have one in a community college ( TWO HOURS AWAY ) WHO IS MARRIED AND HAS FOUR CHILDREN, and one IN TULSA , as well. I also have a son (the oldest) still at home in an apartment in the basement.
It is tough to let go ! I have had real issues on the one in Tulsa, mainly because she treated me so well. The others are nothing like her. So when the nice one left, it felt like I was abandoned. SHE IS A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG LADY AND REMINDED ME THAT SHE WILL BE FINE, BECAUSE SHE WAS RAISED BY ME. ONCE THEY ARE OUT AWAY FROM US, THEY HEAR ALL SORTS OF LITTLE THINGS THAT WE TOLD THEM OH SO LONG AGO. YOU KNOW , THE THINGS THAT WE THOUGHT WERE JUST GOING INTO SPACE. HAVE FAITH AND GOOD LUCK !

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