My 21 year old daughter is mean and disrespectful to me and today I'm cutting her off!

Karen - posted on 03/30/2012 ( 93 moms have responded )

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I have a 21 year old daughter who is a junior in college. She is mean, rude, evil and just all out disrespectful to me. She yells at me over the phone and hangs up in my face. She has a part-time job, however, I have been paying all of her expenses. She just basically blows her money. After yesterday, I have had enough. She has said some pretty mean and nasty things to me that has brought me to the sad reality that my daughter has NO respect for me at all. Her father does absolutely nothing for her and he gets all of her love and respect. That's something I don't understand. It is my fault because she is an only child and I have basically given her everything she wants. She has never gone without anything her entire life. Well life is about to get real for this diva. I have made a very hard decision to cut the financial ties. That's the only ammunition I have and I'm using it. She wants to live the life of a princess then she needs to fund it. I'm tired of being the whipping girl for her. She doesn't understand that when someone is doing everything for you, that you owe them a certain level of respect. It's going to be hard for me to do this to her but maybe she will humble herself and wake up.

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Lisa - posted on 07/13/2014

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i have two daughters in their 30s.. i have been putting up with abusive emotional behavior from the two of them for years. no matter what i do i'm wrong to emotional ocd worry wort. they snap at me about everything. i'm tired of it. its driving me crazy no matter how nice i am. what should i do?

Christy Lynn - posted on 02/04/2013

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And so you should. If she has no appreciation or respect for what she has haved handed to her, well, MOMMY GIVETH AND MOMMY CAN TAKE AWAY. We as parents are obligated to only provide proper shelter, food, and clothing ONLY TIL THEY REACH THE AGE OF 18. The law states NOTHING about providing our children with cell phones, expensive name brand clothing and such. Those things are a privilage not their right. My oldest is now 22yrs old but few years back this girl fell and bumped her head because she thought she would stand in my face and tell me what was what and how she did not have to respect me, consult me on anything because i was a stay at home mom who bartended part-time and her dad(my husband) pd. the bills. WOW? REALLY? That day she came very close to meeting her maker for i brought her into this world, cared for her loved her with all my soul, did the school plays attended all sporting events, sacrificed my necessities so that my daughters had what they needed and wanted and this little B was gonna disprespect me in this manner, No not happening. A few years have passed, she is more grown up much more mature and has a whole new level of respect for me. It really takes a parent being strong and sticking to our guns and convitions to get through life with THESE DAUGHTERS OF OURS. So make a stand, stick with your decision, and don't cave. Do not let you daughter mistake your kindness for weakness. Yes she may hate you(for a while) she may rant, rave, throw a fit, guilt you, and threaten to remove herself from your life but these are all tactics and ploys to get what she wants. People will treat us the way we allow them to treat us, AND THAT INCLUDES OUR CHILDREN, SPOUSES, FAMILY AND FRIENDS

Aida - posted on 04/05/2012

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I found this on my facebook page this morning and I thought it was fitting for your situation!



Sometimes when you give up on someone,

it's not because you don't care anymore,

Bur because you realize they don't!!



Good Luck

Mel - posted on 08/03/2015

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Wow, reading these comments make me realize I am not the only one going through this. Whenever I see FB posts i.e. of Mom's posting their happy joy joy life with their 20 yr olds, I cannot help but feel so sad that I don't have that closeness with mine. We used to be so close and I was her everything. Now it is like one here said: I feel like any interaction with her is a bother to her. She laughs behind closed doors with her friends, on the phone etc, when she comes out of her room, she is serious and does not talk. When I text her, which i only do for important things nowadays, I get nothing at all or nothing for a few hours and then only a one word reply. We pay for most everything for her but just like the OP here, I am ready to cut her off. I wish someone would help me doing this, as I have no clue how. I don't want her to hit rough times, but I think that exactly is what will make them realize what they had or appreciate us parents. OMG, I am so hurt and helpless with this. I wish my mom had made me harder. ....

Razia - posted on 04/03/2012

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I'm was also going through the same problem. Im in my fifties. My daughter became disrespectful from the time she met her boyfriend. But as far as her father is concerned, he is giving me full support. My daughter works in a BPO where she met her boy friend. She has stopped her studies, spends all her money on shopping and other useless things. She doesn't turn up home at nights of her weekly offs.

I used to be very disturbed with all this happenings. And more worse her younger sister has also started following her living style. Both my husband and me have tried our level best to reason out with them but to no avail.

Now I have put my foot down. Enough is enough.I have asked both the girls to get out of my home live on their own.Now they are on look out for an accommodation.

They can lead their own life and learn from the mistakes and my husband and me can live in peace and try not to think about them.

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Linda - posted on 01/13/2016

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You're a very Good mother for having the courage to not enable her any longer. She will become a better person because of it.

Grace - posted on 12/26/2015

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I'm here sitting the day after Christmas in tears, my 20 year old daughter just spent, Christmas eve and part of Christmas day w/ me and my other daughter, 18, and it was just so sad. Their dad died about 8 yrs ago, a month before my oldest 12th birthday, it's been so difficult, but when my oldest reached high school, then the trouble began, she didn't care, was in honors classes and failed, when it came time for applying to college, we visited colleges, but she only applied to one, she did get in, but it cost more than what I made in a year, everyone told me, don't help her out, she hasn't shown she could handle college, but I had faith in my daughter, I was the only one, and she lived away at school, but rarely came home, when her second semester came around, she was scr***d out of financial aide and guess what, I paid, and she still did awful, when she came home, I never saw her grades, and when the financial aide package came out, she got hardly anything, I couldn't send her, and basically flunked, she blames me, the college and for having to come home, I told her community college or work, she went to cc, hated it, told me she "found" a job???, no job, just helping out some biz and getting a few pennies. She was so disrespectful, evil, she wasn't raised that way...seems to be a common theme here.
She had the attitude, she was an adult and wanted her independence, but of course, she couldn't afford it, when she came home, i asked for rent, and helping out and respect, she didn't do any of it, her room was a mess and she would come and go, she met a young man, who she now lives with him and his family, did get another job, got fired from it, got a job from xmas, I had to find out thru my family, I also found out shes' not at that job, smokes pot, she won't go to counseling, she has a counselor , but when i ask did she get in contact with her, she said she left a message for her, but she never got back. She lies, when she looks at me it is venom in her eyes, she won't smile at me, hug me, when she was home for Christmas I said, I was sorry, I wanted her back, we could work it out, I know that she wants to be with her bf, I suggested stay with him part of the time. I gave her gifts, she hated most of them, she did have dinner with me, but had her bf pick her up, when her bf was here, I told him I need to talk w/ him, but she bolted out, told her I love her, nothing back, Merry Christmas to me. I've backed off, I let her be "free", she doesn't get it, my entire family sees the hatred of me she has, I am heartbroken

Celeste Branch - posted on 11/23/2015

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I truly do feel for you, I feel for all the mothers who are dealing with disrespectful daughters.
My daughter is now 30 years old and has been disrespectful to me since she was a preteen, maybe younger. I had her when I was 19 and from the time she was in grade school I have had problems with her. DYFS (Division of Youth and Family Services) had a hand in that, as she one day was over her grandmothers house running around, and fell and bumped her head causing it to bleed. I put a band aid on the cut and sent her to school. Next thing I know, DYFS was at my door accusing me of child abuse, and telling her that if I ever lay a hand on her she should call them immediately. After that life became difficult with reprimanding her verbally and she became rebellious in her ways, including snapping at me, refusing to listen to me, when I talked to her she would say things like "oh my gosh, you keep going around the same subject talking bout the same thing over and over and over again and it's pointless."

She's been jealous of me for years, even on school trips got angry when her classmates would flock to me, and she called me a phony. Years and years of cruelty with even on her then MySpace page she got angry because I got in her case over something she did (and when I say I got in her case, it was not just with words), so she decides to get even with me, delete her MySpace page, create a new one, and when I asked her for the link so I could add her to my friends list she told me no. She said that she was not putting any "family" on her page (which was a lie), and then in condescending tones she asked me; "does it make you mad, does it BOTHER you?" I ended up going in the basement and just broke down in tears.

But the one straw that broke the camels back in something that hurt me to the core of my being. Some years ago I was violated by a female family friend at a kids birthday party, and I told my husband and children (I also have a son). Not only did my husband not get angry over what she did to me, my daughter kept the lines of communication open with her. I made no big deal about it, continued to love her and was there for her when she needed me. At 19 she moved out of our house because she could not deal with the rules anymore, and she still was friends with the woman who violated me. Recently back in March, I found out that my husband and this woman was "occasionally" talking on the phone, and I found her phone number in his drawer in a couple of places. In his phone he had her number listed with only the 1st initial. I confronted them both, once I realized who it was (I did not know who's number it was at first), and verbally hammered them with not just questions but gave them a piece of my mind. She went and told my daughter and my daughter went off on me, told me that I was lying, that she never did that to me. She told me that her therapist told her to get off her mind everything that she needs to say to me so she was doing it. She accused me of causing her brother to not want to talk to her, said that it was my fault. She then accused me of creating fake Facebook pages with her name, she called me a liar, said that I think I'm so perfect and act like I don't do anything wrong, that it's everybody else but me that does things. I could not get a word in edgewise and when I felt like I was going to start crying out of frustration, she said to me; "Don't start crying, it's not even that serious." She then hung up on me. I tried to call her back but she refused to pick up the phone. I then called my husband and started crying telling him what happened.

I blocked her number even made it so that only a few people could reach me on my landline phone, and then I purchased a app off of Google Play to do the same. She was having some of her mail sent to my address, I went through the steps to reverse it back to her own. I then wrote her a letter letting her know that since I can't get a word in edgewise, since she talks to me so boldly and disrespectfully, since she went off on me after all the years of sacrificing that I invested in her in love, sweat and tears, I will not have anything else to say to her. After a couple of weeks she contacted my husband acting like nothing happened, but see I recorded most of the conversation we had (my daughter and I) that day, so that I have the evidence of this last disrespect/cruelness. She has reached out to him a couple more times and even tried to reach out to me (the app keeps a log of text messages that can get through as well as some calls) to wish me a happy birthday but I never responded. She texted my husband to tell me the same thing but I did not respond. I have absolutely nothing to say to her. It hurts to be this way but until she can treat me with the respect that I deserve, come to me in PERSON and apologize and mean it...I'm done with her.

Susan - posted on 11/19/2015

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My 19 year daughter is civil to me the little that I see her but behind my back talks about wanting to cut me out of her life except she says she can't because I am the one that has committed to paying for her college. My ex-husband and his family have made her believe I am evil (he was very manipulative of me in our marriage) and manage to turn any positive thing I do for my daughter into a negative. It is heartbreaking when I want so much for her and agonize over trying to do what is best for her. Her dad has made her believe that I only care about myself and my money and that she has no need for me, beyond my money. Despite her attitude I just continue to try to do what I believe is right and fair, to fund her education and medical needs, avoid talking negative about her dad and their family, and I try to avoid "buying her love"...though it sometimes seems that would be "the easy way out". Will she ever realize what is really going on and love me again?

Deborah - posted on 08/29/2015

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Wow, you sound like me but mine is thirty one. And I have always bailed her out of trouble and usually the boybfriend with, so many times. And she always says I was there with you, when you tried to commit suicide, which she did come to my apartment with the boyfriend she had at time to get to me. She says her brother never did, but he was on a plane back from Maryland. But I have given her so much money, even now I moved in with her and her boyfriend and I stilling bailing out. He became unemployed and I paid the rent for all three, she didn't pay her portion, she said she had bills to pay. She forgets that I on disabiliy and get a limited amount, also putting food on the table, and paying utilities. And they said they would pay me back, I never should have moved in with them. But knowing me I would helped if not with them Now I trying to say no more but I think I scared of her.

Annette - posted on 06/29/2015

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im with you there OMG what do these young women think we sacrifice so much for them but they shove it in our face and make us feel terrible when all we have done is try and do our very best for them

Annette - posted on 06/29/2015

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oh my god are you sure you haven't got my daughter .My daughter is the same but not an only child its like we are living the same life only my daughter left school had a baby left school etc etc tried to go to university we looked after her daughter paid for most of her stuff put deposits down for flats on for her to trash them and we never got our money back

Tracey - posted on 04/22/2015

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I am going threw the exact same thing! Although my Daughter attended college for 2 years and joined the Air force against my wishes. I am stupid and a waste and not worth her time. If I text her she responds with. "Stop". I pay for all 3 of my kids cell phones still too ! 25, 22, and 21. My other two kids are loving and supportive most of the time. Once they talk with her they seem to pull away. I'm tired of my Daughter breaking my heart! And she bows down to Dad who does nothing for her and never has.

Helen - posted on 03/15/2015

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So you're expecting someone who you're being a jerk to to be nice to you? You're the adult, set the example.

Pam - posted on 03/08/2015

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Oh yeah ditto. Hindsight's always 20-20. Whenever I told my own mom about out-of-state job offers she said ''Do it. Go. That little girl will adapt and if you don't she'll grow up and not have the slightest appreciation for your sacrifice'' What did I do? The opposite! Always trying to be the power-mom I sacrificed. What happened? Mom was right ugh...hate to say it :( Should have been more selfish - but in a good way. It's like when they tell you to place the O2 mask on yourself and THEN your child....

Pam - posted on 03/08/2015

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I used to cry. Yeah I'm sorry for you. It's so unfair; we used to just be happy they were safe; forgetting ourselves, our well-being. I used to have bad, useless days after getting dumped on - so I relate. You are a powerful, beautiful person. You are somebody. I still feel lousy but when I hear dismissive remarks I remind myself how little this person is. We've taken so many risks - giving birth is no picnic - and mothering a little human is the greatest challenge in the world. These are little girls in women's bodies.

Pam - posted on 03/08/2015

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Stay strong. Try remembering that strong person you were before you got pregnant. You. Don't take any disrespect. You don't even need words; that's how strong you can be. Walk away. Drive away. Hang up. I slept in my office one whole summer. Before that, I slept in my car one night. Sure, I thought - why don't I check into a hotel? Hell, I'm not spending $$ on her attitude! Couldn't do it. I needed to protect myself and sometimes psychology isn't efficient. I'm beginning to believe those kids who gravitate/ingratiate the absentee parent do so because they don't see them enough to engage in rudeness. So if you can't change it - don't be there for it. Don't just 'say' no...'do' no. If there isn't any danger to others - it's worth it.

Pam - posted on 03/08/2015

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It's so situational. But have faith -your money's not going to deter bad decisions. My brother was thrown out of an ivy league university - always in trouble with the law. My mom gave him years of 'second chance' opportunities. I worked a year to pay for college because his lawyer fees dipped into their pockets. I grew stronger; he's the resentful one. Tough love is hardest but you know we have to protect ourselves. Being a mom - can be some kind of addition. The love when it's good - it's the best. But it's double-jeopardy; you destroy your good will and don't give a kid an opportunity to deal. Good luck.

Pam - posted on 03/08/2015

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Of course for years I've asked her to go to therapy. ''You're my therapist; I don't need to tell anyone else my problems'' She's been to therapists since 7 years old. Even walked out of a psych eval at Cornell. The only partial conclusions were probable Asperger's and oppositional disorder which may be a means of coping. Yes, there have been meltdowns for years. I'm well aware of the phrase 'low adaptability'. I've asked, demanded even bribed her to 'see a professional' I've made the popular comparison ''If you had diabetes you'd see a doctor. There's no shame in any type of chemical imbalance. It's more common than diabetes.'' Yes, I've tried many times, many places, many situations, many suggested scenarios to get her to get help. She even has insurance! ''I don't need help, it's everybody else.''

Pam - posted on 03/08/2015

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You're one of the lucky ones. I never would use that phase; sometimes cliches are true. After turning down out-of-state jobs in radiology and network news (I've 2 degrees) I became a freelance professor to keep my daughter in the same school system. Now semi-retired with college loans my daughter claims she ''..doesn't ask about my life because it's so sad.'' and says ''If it were me, I'd have followed the job and just left''. No appreciation. It's almost as if she considers people who choose the 'greater good' to be suckers, fools.

Julie - posted on 03/07/2015

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My daughter is 19 almost 20 and I believe college has changed her. I worked hard for her to get to this college, went to every meeting and event the college had. I chauffeur her around to and from college and just about anywhere else she wants to go. I feel like garbage when she is around me. I like it better when she is gone. She acts like her crap don't stink and I am just a dumb stay at home mom. She seems irritated whenever I talk to her and when I try to share anything she literally looks like she could care less and she can't wait for me to be done talking. I'm so very hurt. We were so close before she started college and although I didn't expect to maintain that closeness at all I never dreamed she would be this mean and callous towards me. This is so hard for me, I cry alot.

Pam - posted on 03/07/2015

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So sorry to hear it isn't always true when things people say '' it's...just a phase''. Every year I struggle less and less believing things will change. Some children just are not compassionate. You're not alone - by accepting that profound reality; myself included.

Denise - posted on 03/05/2015

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My oldest did the same thing. I was always the whipping post. When we stopped paying for college it did get worse for a while--I was a stupid stay at home mom ( even if I did have an engineering degree). But she finally figured out that if she wanted something she had to work for it. And yes, she will have loans when she graduates and will have to figure out how to pay them. But stopping the money train was the only way for her to learn and respect what we did give her. We actually have wonderful conversations now and she is a joy to be around. Follow thru--

Marinarae812 - posted on 03/04/2015

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Did you ever wonder if maybe there is a deeper issue she is not telling you about? People dont just change over night. She is probably going through something and doesnt know how to reach out to anyone or get help so she acts bitter and angry and mean against everyone and everything to try and protect herself. Someone might have hurt her (physically or emotionally), she might be struggling with who she is and now is angry because she's questioning everything she ever knew, she could have a chemical imbalance, who knows. I just know people who are kind at heart dont wake up and decide "eff the world!" There must be a cause. Try to ask her questions like "is there anything going on you'd like to talk about" or let her know you can always be there for her to talk to "without judgement". She may need to see a therapist, but do not suggest that because she will get defensive, but look for signs and if she says "i need help" tell her you can help her get whatever help she needs. Let her kno you can relate, maybe when you were her age? When i was 21 i wanted to be far away from my mother, because she pushed me away my parents divorce, so i grew pretty bitter. But it wasnt for no reason. There has to be a reason your daughter is acting so out of character.

Victoria - posted on 01/27/2015

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Thank you all, as it so helps to know I am not the only mother who has raised a brat? I love my son, 20 but now I hang up on him when he gets rude.....and free money is a thing of the past. My parents would have kicked me out to the curb, but now days it seems like everything turns into a life prison term for just stupid things that kids do? and I fear that his immature behavior now can follow him well into his future.....I'm glad all you moms are here because I fear doing anything too drastic and turning him into a bad crowd.

Monica - posted on 01/17/2015

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When I read the your story I too have asked when can I expect my child to go it alone especially the way I am treated and called nasty names I know I would cry with worry if I said ok go it alone but my child sees this and uses it against me. Thats why I wonder if u let yr daughter pay for her own bills maybe she will gain the responsibility of the world. I hope to have the courage to do the same.

Nottakingitanymore - posted on 01/15/2015

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LisaaKex, I too have a spoiled brat 25 almost 26 year old daughter who treats me like a door mat, My husband and I have been put through the ringer with this brat that we have admittedly spoiled. Just because we gave her everything we could within our financial means and all the unconditional love we are capable of does not give her the right to treat us like garbage! I am not perfect but I do deserve respect and to be treated like a human being! My husband has told me to cut her off for the last two years but I was not ready to do that so I have endured an insurmountable amount of abuse for not doing so. So being it a new year I have made it my resolution to treat her as she treats me, I have finally reached my limit! While I am not writing her off I am taking my life back, I speak to her if I feel like it, if she is being rude or mean I ignore her. Now this may seem childish but I do not care I have been held hostage by her emotionally and financially and I refuse to take the abuse anymore. She attempted suicide a year ago and has used this to hold myself and my family emotionally hostage, everyone has told me I need to call her bluff on her threats to try it again and I have been terrified to do so but I did and guess what she is alive and well! So as hard as it been for me I have been treating her just as she treats me and the rest of our family! If she is nice she is treated nice, if she is a jerk then that is what I become. I wish you the best of luck with your daughter I wish I had better advice.

Hermila - posted on 01/08/2015

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Hi all, I am in the "same boat" as you. I don't understand my 20 year daughter either. I grew up poor, humble and value family, but it seems that my daughter didn't learn good values .... It is disappointing and heart breaking.... I feel your pain.....I can't wait to see the day she realizes her mistakes and changes for her own well being. I am trying not to allow her to upset me and do my best to control my anger. I am so tired of her lack of respect and consideration.... We need to be strong. Hugs for all you...

Lisaakex - posted on 01/02/2015

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Thank you. Please keep posting words of encouragement. I am so demoralized by my 18 year old I could be institutionalized. End of my rope.

Lisaakex - posted on 01/02/2015

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I feel your pain so much. My story is similar. Nothing I have ever done for my daughter, in her eyes, is as significant as everything I did "to" her and she will neither forgive nor forget. I would of course still have given birth to her--but if I could go back, I would have made decisions that served me and made my life easier. They don't appreciate a damn thing anyway.

Lisaakex - posted on 01/02/2015

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Thank you for this. If you would like to correspond, maybe we can help each other. I am desperate. Clesalex4@gmail.com. All welcome. Thank you.

Lisaakex - posted on 01/02/2015

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I would love to correspond with you. Clesalex4@gmail.com. Thanks. Hope you are feeling better.

Lisaakex - posted on 01/02/2015

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Thanks, that helped. I know I haven't been a great mother but I always tried. Always gave all I had. I thought I was the only one with a daughter who hated her guts.

Lisaakex - posted on 01/02/2015

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This is for the ladyluck101 who seems to know it all. Sweetheart, why don't you find another site. This is a forum for imperfect parents looking for support. Not for kids to remind us how awful we are-most of us are well aware of our failures, thank you. You might look long and hard at the things that were done for you and not just "to" you. You might gain a new perspective.

User - posted on 01/01/2015

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My 21 yr old daughter has been mean and disrespectful since about 14. We are so kind and loving and for some reason we take the abuse..me more than her dad, although he gets it too sometimes. We have 4 kids and the other 3 are sweet kind and helpful. She has some self esteem issues and probably more than that but will never admit she is wrong or needs help. We were on the way to her dr. Apt so she can discuss her ADD meds with him and I made the mistake of saying to her to maybe address why she is angry so often. She went ballistic on me. Tried to open the door on the moving car we were in...called me an F'n ass hole and a F' n psycho...I just quietly kept my calm and drove to apt. I tried to address it later and she is amazing at re writing history. Claimed that was so mean of me to say. She only reacted like that because she was hurt...etc. in other words...I caused this behavior. I always do according to her. If I am quiet after she is so cruel, she claims I am throwing a pity party and trying to guilt trip her. I say..no, I just don't want to fight. If I fight my ground...I am a psycho and and crazy. I can not win. I cry..I loose it...but I keep going and put a smile on. Everyone who knows me thinks I am the happiest person around. No one knows....how evil she can be, and how she breaks me. My husband says...she is our cross to bear..and we need to never give up on her. Easier said than done. Thank you for letting me vent.

Rebekah - posted on 12/22/2014

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I hear you loud and clear and going through the same thing with my 20 year old. I have been a single mom from the get go and like you have done everything for my child, i am her biggest cheerleader and she will tell anyone that. We have good days and we have bad days. She is in college, well was, she had a mental break down at the beginning of this semester and has been home but gearing back up to leave in a week for the spring semester. She goes to school 10 hours away from me so i try to make sure she has everything she needs. Of course while doing this i am financially falling apart. I received a nice bonus for Christmas and i almost feel like she stayed home this long so i would spend it on her. I have worked like crazy this year for this money and i need to fix my car so bad, mind you i bought her a brand new car two years ago and now she wants a new car, mine is 10 years old and falling apart. I pay her cell, her insurance, her food and gas and took out some loans for school but she has a very good GPA and got grant and scholarship money too which is very nice. I dont want to complain, i am so proud of her but lately she has been so disrespectful in the way she talks to me and almost like she's entitled or something. I have spoiled her over the years, more like over compensated because her father hasnt been around. I just dont like being disrespected and taken advantage of and i am thinking of telling her she can pay her own bills from here on out. She has had two jobs and pays for things like new clothes and and pedicures and such and i cant even afford a new pair of shoes for 20.00 let alone new clothes. I hate i feel this way because i just wish i could do it all honestly but i cant. Would it be cruel of me to tell her to pay her own bills so maybe i can get caught up on my monthly things and get my car fixed. I mean when do they or should they start paying their own bills and stop expecting us to pay for them.

User - posted on 12/13/2014

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so similar to my 18 year old ...i also just read another post about how u raise them ...i hate to say this i ve done nothing but love care and dote on my children and as i have older ones it is not always the case ...im not even going to blame the boyfreind but it is when it started :( my idea for finding a flat after four long years is not to abandon her or neglect her but to let her see some of the real world and whilst kept a close eye on so we have some space from each other ...and im praying we can salvage our relationship

User - posted on 12/13/2014

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i defo know how you feel there ..if i didnt have severn kids i would of ultimatly feel a complete failure as a mother ...i am my wits end stressed to the hilt and have had enough of my 18 year olds lack of respect for me for her family and for a home ..on lots of diffrent levels , it has got so bad that there is no relationship between us at all which im so so sad about , infact i think as a mother we would nt be on here complaining if we didnt care so much , and if i am truely honest i feel that i am trying to get her a flat ( which i will completely sort out ) for a number of reasons ,and to give her some value of the worth and respect she has not shown her present home , my ex partners mother has just been and tbh i feel like utter shit she bascically made me feel like a faluire as a mother ..even thou her precious son has nothing to do with his daughter which i never bought up ......ur words of wake up ..are exactly what i want too .....

Ladyluck102 - posted on 12/01/2014

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Have you guys ever thought that it may be due to the way you raised them? In 18 years, have you looked back to all the times that you yelled, got upset over something stupid, made them go with you to stupid places, forced them to do things that they did not like to do, understood them when they were going through something? Take a good look at yourself before playing the victim card, people love to complain about NOW, look at BEFORE, and then you may understand. I have the same issue with my parents, and they just don't get it. And that is what makes us furious. In your case, I think its wrong that they are taking your money, I been working since 14 and I can't see my self taking money from anyone. However That is also your fault, for making life so easy to this person. Parenting 101.

Jane - posted on 11/25/2014

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My daughter and I and her father were very close. She was in cheer, dance, dated a nice few boys..basically was a very liked and respected girl. One Sunday we had gone to church and a marine walked in and I had noticed how he looked at her bet we went ahead and got our seats. When church was over she had asked if she could go to lunch with her usual crowd. We said yes. Well it didn't take long before these two dating. Our family noticed he was very pushy and told her what to do. Anyways she did finish school RN thank God. we were not allowed to go to the graduation..which we paid for. The day of the graduation we went her apartment and cryed and said good buy and she slammed the door on us. They live in Colorado have 2 kids, lost there house and only want money from us..or no baby pics, They had to move into his parents house where there are 15 people living there. He only has odd jobs. This has been going on for 4 years and i am worried about my husband and me. we just sleep. please help us with some advise,They have contact with neither side of family

Twist - posted on 11/22/2014

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Well, I am not sinking alone I see. I have been suffering depression and anxiety for years and my daughter just added to it. She has been dating a guy for 7 yrs now and is getting married this Dec. 19, 2014. She works 2 jobs and since I known him he had one job stocking shelves in a pharmacy which ended fast once she grad. college with a 3.6 average and starting working 2 jobs to support them. I helped when I was working, but now I have more medical issues with several spine surgeries. In a lot of pain from the lumbar spine and the pain from her getting married and paying for the wedding bands, luncheon, and you name it she pays for it. I cannot stop crying. Tonight she is coming over to pack all her things. There is so much here. I have to leave the house from 5 to 10 so she can move. It hurts to much to see her. Her father was absent from her life for 17 yrs and came back just to see if she was in school. If not he was going to stop her child support. I supported her through college, cars, insurance life and car, clothes, and I get a kick in the rear because I feel she should wait until he finds a job. So now she will not speak to me. I will not go to the wedding at the court house, but her father will.

Pam - posted on 11/10/2014

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Don't blame yourself. For years moms have kept silent about the abuse suffered on behalf of daughters; especially single moms. I was a single mom since my daughter was 3 and did everything like you - took the 'easy' jobs so I could pick her up and help afterschool, plan birthday parties, go to every museum, concerts, parades, shopping all on a very low salary, btw. Now my daughter calls to tell me 'Happy Birthday' when it's not my birthday because she claims 'I'll be too busy to call you when it is'' Wow. so there it is. After everything - not even 10 minutes, I'm not worth that. Now that the holidays are coming up - I don't know what to do. I'm livid. It all seems like a cruel joke.

Florence - posted on 10/13/2014

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If she is living with you, start eviction proceedings through the court. Let her figure it out. You don't deserve that. I did it and it was the hardest thing I have ever done. I cried for a week. But it was a wake up call for my daughter. Now age 26 with two children, our relationship is on point, but she still lives on her own.

Wendy - posted on 10/09/2014

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My 18 year old daughter just left and I am heartbroken. I have done everything for her (and she was a joy) and ever since she started college and has a boyfriend she has shown nothing but disrespect, hangs up on me and is just so mean. When she left she said that I will never see her again. I truly hope she learns and comes back to me because I love her very much. I hope this tough love works cause like many of you, I have truly enjoyed my children. She was my first so she has that special spot.

Renee - posted on 09/20/2014

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You go Karen! Your daughter needs to learn this lesson. But I'd also recommend coming up with a plan about what to do if she comes back to you a better, more respectful person but a broke person all the same.

Wendy - posted on 08/25/2014

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My 19 year old is the same way. (She will be 20 in January). She is a hard worker (not in school right now but working two jobs). It's emotionally draining to live with someone who is always in "defensive" mode. I try to have normal every day conversations with her but she always cuts me off while I am talking and/or gets extremely defensive. She also is not a "bad" kid but her smart mouth, defensiveness and selfishness never end, no matter what me and her step-dad do when it comes to consequences. I have always been good about sticking to the consequences and not just threatening them but both of my daughters are VERY strong willed and sometimes "team up" against me. This doesn't happen as often now thankfully but they each have their own separate UNHEALTHY issues. They both play the victim and everything is everyone else's fault. Social media does not help with the drama either. Basically, these kids think they are OWED everything when really most of what we give them are privileges that should be earned.

I grew up in the 70's and no matter how much I may have not agreed with my mom, I would never even dream of yelling at her or cussing at her, etc. Disrespect toward authority seems to be a common theme with teenagers these days and that is not going to fly in the real world. These kids/young adults are in for a rude awakening when they are out and fully on their own. I have made the choice to not enable these girls any longer. It has not been easy but there is definitely more peace in my home since I have set firm boundaries. You are not alone!

Maria - posted on 08/25/2014

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I also have a 20 year old who is a wonderful hard working girl but disrespectful and always speaks in a defensive tone. Its really aggravating on a daily basis to put up with this. My husband isnt the easiest to get along with and the two butt heads constantly. I ignore everything she says. yes she is mouthy, but works hard pays her own bills except car ins. and I will stop that soon because she will be done with school soon. she is now threatening to move out because she says she is sick and tired of everyone thinking shes a bad kid. she is not a bad kid but needs her mouth taped shut. im going through alot myself and she or her father have no clue of what theyre doing to me.

Wendy - posted on 08/24/2014

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I am so thankful to GOD to have found this website. It's so nice to not feel alone. I have two daughters who are 21 (almost 22) and 19. Two years ago I had to do the "tough love" thing and kick my oldest daughter out of the house. I will say it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do but ultimately the best thing I have ever done. I knew she could go live with my ex-husband although they have never had much of a relationship. We went SIX months without speaking. I decided to finally reach out to her by mailing her a letter with some pictures of us; she is my mini-me for sure. The letter was short and to the point but I did express my unconditional love for her and that I had forgiven her for all the pain and hurt she had put me through. I also asked for her forgiveness (I was by far not the perfect mom and had drug my girls through not only 1 but 2 divorces). I am now remarried to an amazing man (almost 4 years now) and my girls have gotten to see what a healthy and loving marriage looks like. They saw yelling and disrespect for YEARS between my two past marriages. I did put them in counseling through jr. high and high school but they wanted nothing of it.

My husband and I allowed her to move back in with conditions but a month later, she decided to move into her boyfriend's apartment with him which I did NOT agree with. They had dated off and on since she was 16 and I knew him but also knew they weren't good for each other (drug use, etc.) Well, I am sure you can assume what happened next. She got pregnant. She had my grandson 2 months premature due to severe preeclampsia. He is a year old now and thriving and they are both excellent parents to him. She is now engaged to the father of the baby and we have been planning a wedding since this past January. Her dad, my husband and I, and her fiance's parents are splitting the cost of the wedding and it's set for November 8th of this year.

In the last month however, things have really made a turn for the worst. She has kicked a bridesmaid out of her wedding, and now her sister (who is/was the maid of honor) and is now starting arguments with me. She is extremely disrespectful to me and tells me to quit talking or quit "typing" etc. when I say anything she does not want to hear. She has never dealt with her own anger and hurt issues/emotional baage. She argues EVERY day with her live-in fiance but still wants to marry him. There is dysfunction from every angle and it would take pages for me to to go into every detail of their problems. She comes over to our house sometimes to spend the night, just to get away from him.

My dilemma is this: $8500 has been paid out so far toward this wedding (part of the venue itself, the dress, shoes, invitations, and on and on) and I agreed to help with the bridal shower coming up since all the bridesmaids are on a tight budget. I told her, despite all of that, to not get married if she is so unhappy and has doubts. BUT - she is not even speaking to me now because I told her I would not go to the 2nd wedding planner meeting because SHE was not prepared for it. There is a 29 page document that she has had since January to read and she has not done it. She expects me to do the "hard" part because "she has a 1 year old" and doesn't have time. Yet, she has time for social media including Instagram where she puts posts that belittle me and her younger sister. I have gone above and beyond for her financially (I borrowed money against my retirement for this) and given lots of my time to her by helping with the wedding planning and babysitting for my grandson whenever I can, etc. Between her verbally abusive mouth, instagram posts, and hateful text messages, I don't know how I can have a peace with going forward on the wedding stuff. She told me that I can just "sit on the sidelines with my younger daughter", who she is not speaking to either. I am sure this is a "no brainer" for anyone reading this but the hard part is that this deals with and affects other people; it's not just between me and my daughter. My parents, husband and friends say I need to be done with enabling this behavior and I agree, and have the strength to do this (as I have before) but there is her dad, the fiance's mom, all of her friends, etc. that I will also have to "deal" with, and they will be left picking up the slack. My stomach has been in knots over this. My daughter also works part time for my company and offices across the hall from me. She told me, via text, that she would be contacting her boss to let him know she has to quit because she can not work around me. I just can't believe all of this is happening and I HATE drama. Her best friend has even texted my youngest daughter, cussing her out, saying she is the sole reason as to why me and my 21 year old aren't getting along. The problems run WAY deeper than this. My daughter (both of them actually) need counseling but they are not willing to admit they need help. I would pay for their counseling sessions if they would admit they need it and go on a regular basis. I don't even agree with this marriage and feel it's a disaster that will end up in divorce. There is no pressure for them to marry but I think my daughter feels she is tied to him forever anyway, so why not? I have had numerous talks with her and basically she is a very sad and angry person and is always pointing out others faults and doing the blame game. I can count, in 21 years, on one hand the number of times she has expressed regret or said she is sorry about anything she has done to hurt me and/or my family. Is continuing to pay for the shower/wedding, etc. and giving of my time ENABLING her behavior? I really don't know what to do in this particular situation. I can't even enjoy any of this after all of the hateful things she has said to me and her younger sister. It's all very heartbreaking. She is extremely immature, selfish and disrespectful and I really want to walk away from it. If I do though, I probably will not be invited to the wedding period, which is something I will have to live with the rest of my life.

Dawn - posted on 08/23/2014

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I'm listening to these stories and it breaks my heart to know that this is actually a common thing. I thought these things happened to bad mothers not mothers who had good relationships with their kids. My son was like my best friend and I cannot even express my feelings over him suddenly not speaking to me anymore. I didn't know I could feel such pain and disbelief. This must be a nightmare I'm in!! It's like a death in the family. My husband tells me not to forget I have 2 other kids to live for. This has affected my relationships with my other 2 children. I hold back some of my love for them because I fear when they grow up, they'll turn their backs on me too. I have always neglected my life for my kids lives but not anymore!!! I'm fighting back, I am not taking any more disrespect from the very people I gave my life to all these years. Also, I will stop going over my past to try and find out what I did wrong!! I am not a perfect parent but I did my best everyday and my kids knew they were loved and respected. I will fight to get the respect I feel I DESERVE from my kids and if that pushes them further away then so be it. My only alternative is to lay down and die which hasn't been working out for me! I hope this helps someone...

Christinewhite1 - posted on 07/28/2014

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I am going through the exact same with my 18 year old that is leaving in seven weeks for college. I am happily counting the days. She was spoiled and is extremely intelligent. She is going to a top 5 school in the country. With that said she hates me. Doesn't want to be around me, I embarrass her. She threw a glass of water in my face two weeks ago. I had to call the police. I am done. I will go on with my life quietly once she's gone and I won't allow her back into my home. I just can't take it anymore.

I hope my story helps you a little.

Christinewhite1 - posted on 07/28/2014

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Have you ever thought of getting them out of your house? My daughter is leaving for college in seven weeks. I told her to plan on not coming back to my house. I just can't take it anymore. I do not believe that I am obligated to take abuse from anyone and that includes my child.

Christinewhite1 - posted on 07/28/2014

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Get them off on their own and start living for yourself. My daughter is 18 and leaving for college in seven weeks. She is so abusive I'm having anxiety attacks. I had the call the police two weeks ago when she threw a glass of water in my face.

I'm done. I have plans for my future and it's a future without her. If she's rude on the phone I plan to simply hang up on her. I'm done with it she's making me sick and I'm done.

I hope you find something useful in my story that might help you.

Stephanie - posted on 07/28/2014

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I have the same situation, only my daughter presses charges on me with police AFTER she hits me, belittles me, disrespects me, hits me…then she cries she is a victim. I am at a loss, and I have the EXACT same story. Father, useless, and he gets all her love/respect, and she hates me. BUT, I put her through school, paid for EVERYTHING on my own….she is an entitled drama queen, and she makes my life a living hell.

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