My 21 year old daughter is mean and disrespectful to me and today I'm cutting her off!

Karen - posted on 03/30/2012 ( 40 moms have responded )

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I have a 21 year old daughter who is a junior in college. She is mean, rude, evil and just all out disrespectful to me. She yells at me over the phone and hangs up in my face. She has a part-time job, however, I have been paying all of her expenses. She just basically blows her money. After yesterday, I have had enough. She has said some pretty mean and nasty things to me that has brought me to the sad reality that my daughter has NO respect for me at all. Her father does absolutely nothing for her and he gets all of her love and respect. That's something I don't understand. It is my fault because she is an only child and I have basically given her everything she wants. She has never gone without anything her entire life. Well life is about to get real for this diva. I have made a very hard decision to cut the financial ties. That's the only ammunition I have and I'm using it. She wants to live the life of a princess then she needs to fund it. I'm tired of being the whipping girl for her. She doesn't understand that when someone is doing everything for you, that you owe them a certain level of respect. It's going to be hard for me to do this to her but maybe she will humble herself and wake up.

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Kelly - posted on 03/30/2012

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Whew! Now inhale and breathe out slowly : ) Consequences for her actions is certainly due but don't do anything in anger. Make your decisions calmly. If you have given her all she needs and desires her whole life you may have spoiled her and she knows anything she does will not result in any actions on your part. Be the mom or bigger person. Next time she calls don't yell but tell her you do not appreciate the way she treats you. If she is going to talk to you in the future she needs to do it repsectfully. You may not always agree but that is not the issue. Her dishonorable behavior is. If you have behaved the same way then this is your time to apologize and tell her you will treat her well too. I am guessing though that it is time she learns some responsiblity for taking care of her own needs. I would scale back support. Pick up the tab for school, food, books and dorm. Anything else is her responsibility...clothes, entertainment, car, etc. or scale back more if this is what you were doing already. Just pay tuition and books and she is on her own for the rest. You can explain that it is time for her to take a real look at life and start being more responsible for it. Plain and simple. You need to asertively set some boundries and down lower yourself to the same rage she demonstrates and calmly ignore all comments. If she starts being rude on the phone just tell her calmly that when she is ready to discuss it respectfully you will be available but for now you are not willing to talk to her like this then say goodbye and hang up.

Christy Lynn - posted on 02/04/2013

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And so you should. If she has no appreciation or respect for what she has haved handed to her, well, MOMMY GIVETH AND MOMMY CAN TAKE AWAY. We as parents are obligated to only provide proper shelter, food, and clothing ONLY TIL THEY REACH THE AGE OF 18. The law states NOTHING about providing our children with cell phones, expensive name brand clothing and such. Those things are a privilage not their right. My oldest is now 22yrs old but few years back this girl fell and bumped her head because she thought she would stand in my face and tell me what was what and how she did not have to respect me, consult me on anything because i was a stay at home mom who bartended part-time and her dad(my husband) pd. the bills. WOW? REALLY? That day she came very close to meeting her maker for i brought her into this world, cared for her loved her with all my soul, did the school plays attended all sporting events, sacrificed my necessities so that my daughters had what they needed and wanted and this little B was gonna disprespect me in this manner, No not happening. A few years have passed, she is more grown up much more mature and has a whole new level of respect for me. It really takes a parent being strong and sticking to our guns and convitions to get through life with THESE DAUGHTERS OF OURS. So make a stand, stick with your decision, and don't cave. Do not let you daughter mistake your kindness for weakness. Yes she may hate you(for a while) she may rant, rave, throw a fit, guilt you, and threaten to remove herself from your life but these are all tactics and ploys to get what she wants. People will treat us the way we allow them to treat us, AND THAT INCLUDES OUR CHILDREN, SPOUSES, FAMILY AND FRIENDS

Aida - posted on 04/05/2012

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I found this on my facebook page this morning and I thought it was fitting for your situation!



Sometimes when you give up on someone,

it's not because you don't care anymore,

Bur because you realize they don't!!



Good Luck

Razia - posted on 04/03/2012

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I'm was also going through the same problem. Im in my fifties. My daughter became disrespectful from the time she met her boyfriend. But as far as her father is concerned, he is giving me full support. My daughter works in a BPO where she met her boy friend. She has stopped her studies, spends all her money on shopping and other useless things. She doesn't turn up home at nights of her weekly offs.

I used to be very disturbed with all this happenings. And more worse her younger sister has also started following her living style. Both my husband and me have tried our level best to reason out with them but to no avail.

Now I have put my foot down. Enough is enough.I have asked both the girls to get out of my home live on their own.Now they are on look out for an accommodation.

They can lead their own life and learn from the mistakes and my husband and me can live in peace and try not to think about them.

Lisa - posted on 07/13/2014

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i have two daughters in their 30s.. i have been putting up with abusive emotional behavior from the two of them for years. no matter what i do i'm wrong to emotional ocd worry wort. they snap at me about everything. i'm tired of it. its driving me crazy no matter how nice i am. what should i do?

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Christine - posted 3 days ago

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I am going through the exact same with my 18 year old that is leaving in seven weeks for college. I am happily counting the days. She was spoiled and is extremely intelligent. She is going to a top 5 school in the country. With that said she hates me. Doesn't want to be around me, I embarrass her. She threw a glass of water in my face two weeks ago. I had to call the police. I am done. I will go on with my life quietly once she's gone and I won't allow her back into my home. I just can't take it anymore.

I hope my story helps you a little.

Christine - posted 3 days ago

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Have you ever thought of getting them out of your house? My daughter is leaving for college in seven weeks. I told her to plan on not coming back to my house. I just can't take it anymore. I do not believe that I am obligated to take abuse from anyone and that includes my child.

Christine - posted 3 days ago

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Get them off on their own and start living for yourself. My daughter is 18 and leaving for college in seven weeks. She is so abusive I'm having anxiety attacks. I had the call the police two weeks ago when she threw a glass of water in my face.

I'm done. I have plans for my future and it's a future without her. If she's rude on the phone I plan to simply hang up on her. I'm done with it she's making me sick and I'm done.

I hope you find something useful in my story that might help you.

Stephanie - posted 3 days ago

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I have the same situation, only my daughter presses charges on me with police AFTER she hits me, belittles me, disrespects me, hits me…then she cries she is a victim. I am at a loss, and I have the EXACT same story. Father, useless, and he gets all her love/respect, and she hates me. BUT, I put her through school, paid for EVERYTHING on my own….she is an entitled drama queen, and she makes my life a living hell.

Cheryl - posted on 07/21/2014

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I have a 22 year old daughter, who just had a baby 4 mos ago with a guy who I can not stand. He has abused her, cheated on her with her friend (at the time), called her awful names, and is just all out rude and disrespectful. This is my first grandchild and she is my only child and up until the day she had this baby, I have been there for her through out her whole life. Her dad has been in prison most all of her life. I raised her alone and it wasn't always easy. But I managed to do okay. She always had what she needed and more and was a very loving person. Until now! She disrespects me, my sisters, and talks to me like she hates me. Now she is engaged and is upset because I don't approve of her marrying this jerk. So, she told me I am not going to see my grandson. So, for the last few months I have been going thru hell with trying to see him and understand what her problem is. She has pushed everyone on my side of the family away and they are all so disappointed in her and want nothing to do with her any more. Mind you, these are the people who have always been there for her when she needed money, clothes, cars, etc.. They would have done anything for her, and have done everything up til now. She manipulates everyone and every situation she is in.
There is so much I want to say so you can understand completely how bad this situation is and how hurt I am. I want to walk away and teach her a lesson, but it is so hard now that I have a grandson. I love him and don't want to miss out on being able to see him grow up. But, at the same time I can't stand her and how she is being. At times I get so mad that I want to hurt her. That sounds so terrible, but I do. I know that isn't going to do anything but make it that much harder for me to see my little guy, so I try to get along time and time again, only for her to treat me bad over and over again. I am ready to give up on everything. Her, me, life..... I don't know what to do. Nothing seems to work or get thru to her. I have tried to talk to her, told her how much I love her, how much she is hurting my feelings, everything and she doesn't care.
I told her today I am not going to her wedding. If I am not allowed to go to her house, why would she want me at her wedding anyways? Matter of fact, there isn't one person on my side of the family who is going to be there for her.
I guess her dad is going to be getting out of prison in a few weeks or so and she is going to have him walk her down the isle. All of his side of the family is all of a sudden a part of her life. Where were they before? She never got a phone call, a bday card, christmas card, no one came to her graduation, or ever came to visit her, not once! Her whole entire life......... Until now. And I am the piece of shit she can't stand. I feel like I failed as a mother who raised her.
And to top it off, the mother of her boyfriend, she left him when he was a child when she left his father. Then when her remarried, he left him with the step-mom to raise him. Now the mom is back in his life and is the mother-of-the-year and is more welcome to see my grandson than I am. Makes me feel great!

Sally - posted on 07/02/2014

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Thank you for all your sharing. I am sitting here in tears, over my own daughter that I have spent the last 20 years of my life totally dedicated to in every possible way, who now treats me with such disrespect that I cannot believe she is even the daughter that I raised. She was such a cheery, happy, helpful, considerate, thoughtful, smart child. I was a very conscientious mom who encouraged, helped in her classrooms, answered every question she ever asked, participated in clubs, taught here everything I could, had fun, and adventures, NOT easy for a single mom to do. I burned every end of the candle there is of my own self to be full time mom available and still keep a roof over our heads. I worked only while she was in school so that she could have a mom at home always. I helped with all her homework, taught her to be responsible, to love people, to look for the good. We went to church every single sunday. She was such a joy and I loved every minute of her.... Now... she is ugly. And I don't mean in looks. Her heart if full of hate, for me and all around her that aren't in total agreement with her, he mouth is vile. I cannot even get two words into a sentence before she walks right over the top of me and tells me to shut up, she's done with the conversation etc. etc. To make it worse... after days and days of treating my awful she turns around and tells me how much she loves me and I'm the best mom ever. It would almost be easier if she didn't do that. I am at my wits end. I have asked her to move out... but I have tried to not cut ties and still when she comes over she is just awful to me. I don't understand it. I feel so ashamed, like it's my fault somehow. She wasn't totally spoiled. she was taught responsibility, and manners, and had consequences when she didn't behave. How can something so good turn so ugly so fast and how does a mother rip her heart out of her chest and tell her only child she can't be in her life. I just don't understand . But I am grateful to you all for sharing. At least I know I'm not alone.

Kathy - posted on 04/29/2014

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I really feel for you. I am in a situation where my 22 year old tells me she hates me. Tells me I was a bad mother all her life and makes up things to other people. Today is her 23rd Birthday and it is killing me but I am not even going to call her to wish her a Happy Birthday. Two days ago she emailed the nastiest and disrespectful things she could of. I divorced her father and it was final a couple months ago. I am now seeing someone new after almost 25 years of marriage. I was marriried to an abusive alcoholic. She bad mouths me to everybody who will listen to her and makes up lies. I think sometimes she really believes what she says. I think she is bi-polar. There is some of that is the family. I now have had to realize that I have to let her go. I can't take the rejection or hurt any longer. I found some bday cards in her old closet and they were beautiful Birthday cards I gave her. They were torn in a ton of pieces and thrown on the closet floor for me to find. some day. She now worships her father and I do not know why. I did everything for the kids. Now he is the center of all of their attention. But I am going to have to move on and try to enjoy life and I suggest you do the same. Its not your fault

Georgia - posted on 04/22/2014

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wILL SOMEONE HELP ME FIGURE OUT HOW TO POST AND GET FEEDBACK. i CAN ONLY REPLY. tHANKS SO MUCH. i NEED HELP.

Georgia - posted on 04/22/2014

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I am so glad I found this post. My daughter is tearing me apart. I cry all the time. I have given her everything. Her father did not do anything for her. She is 22 years old and in the AIr Force. No calls, no Christmas cards, no birthday wishes, just disrespect. She has a boyfriend and she talks to her boyfriends mother more than me. She yells at me, cusses at me and will not communicate with me at all. I send her cards, buy her Christmas presents, Birthday presents, send her cards, all that a mom should do. But she has shut me out. I feel hopeless. I feel suicidal. I had her when I was 21 years old and have dedicated my whole entire life to her. Paid for her college, apt, books, food, name it. She flunked out of college and joined the AirForce. I was so proud of her. But she spent the whole graduation with her father. I had to borrow five hundred dollars to get to her graduation. What do I do. I hurt all the time. I have dedicated my entire life to her. Prom, cars, LOVE. I cannot even work because I am so depressed. What do I do?

Jane - posted on 03/31/2014

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Your circumstances remind me of my own...in some ways. I made a poor judgement call 22 years ago when I let someone into my life out of pity for him and my own personal loneliness. After returning from a trip to England to visit a different man, who I was very interested in but who left England before I had a chance to meet him, I returned home to California, I was very sad and got involved with a younger man; I had no idea how sick this younger man was...truly...not that I'm saying this out of disrespect for him...he IS gravely mentally ill. Unfortunately at the time I didn't realize this & thought I could "help" him...never realizing the degree & depth of his mental/emotional problems. He was sweet & I was seduced by his attentions & boyish charm...soon I become pregnant with his child. Being raised a Catholic, I valued & loved the new life that grew within me...though terrified, alone & embarrassed that I was in the circumstances I found myself in.
It was so difficult to raise her...she would not listen & everything was a struggle...she would not comply even as she grew older... as a small child I wondered why she wouldn't do simple things that I saw other mother's children doing very naturally & without a battle. This continued for the entire time she was growing up. I went to psychologists, psychiatrists, & neurologists to try to find a reason for her behavior and help for her as well as myself in dealing with a child who just could not, would not obey any one or anything. Finally, I got a diagnosis..Partial Complex Seizure Disorder (my child had almost inpreceptible seizures to the Rt Temporal lobe of the brain). Again, non-medical people (teacher, principals, school psychologists, etc) were constantly challenging me..even though I was a RN and understood to a point that yes, she had a syndrome of problems. She was put on meds, she had a CAT scan..full work up. Still EVERYONE challenged me because I( was, after-all, a fallen woman...how dare I bring a child into the world without a proper father...although it was the early 90's, it might as well have been the 1800's as far as attitudes from people, even family. Very stressful for me...very disappointing that these people who called themselves "Christians" would play out such cruelty...on both me & my child. Very tortuous and quite unforgivable (not that they ever apologized).
Now, I understand she was indeed traumatized by so many things that happened along the way. Her "father" was NEVER there for her...because he couldn't even manage his own life...let alone a family & baby with issues.She saw him on occasion...I was humiliated by his constant incarcerations & disheveled appearance...his homeless status...I threw him out of my home numerous times because he couldn't stay sober & behave like a grown man. But my daughter still to this day fails to understand how it was ME who was always there for her & provided for her, always put her first...before EVERYTHING! I grew frumpy looking from self-neglect & the fatigue of raising such a child with her issues...but to this day I can say before GOD..I did so truly love her and miss her so very much.
Tonight I came across a posting she wrote about changing her name to his last name because she "likes him better"...referring to me as a "homicidal" as well as a thief... That probably should have read "suicidal" instead of homicidal...but she's a long way from acknowledging the truth of the situation...and I get it...she was traumatized by her childhood & seizures.
So who better to build than to build a fairy tale around then the "missing father"... the mystical man who must be out there fighting dragons & demons for her...right? Mother was just the cleaning lady, the housekeeper & chauffeur. But yes, I too am very very deeply deeply traumatized by this and that horribly harsh treatment by my not only unsupportive family, but by her very destructive ways...her foul mouth, her bitter critisicm of not only me but anyone who she thinks has more than they may deserve. I am NOT proud of her...she is very intelligent...very capable in language skills. But just before this past Christmas...she was so very demeaning towards me..I HAD to say...NO MORE! You will not be receiving ANYTHING from me until you can come forth with a true apology! 4 Christmas Eves & 4 Christmas Days...I have been completely & utterly alone. This year the same. And NO APOLOGY FROM HER! Not with coming...not within her. Her grandfather continues to throw money at her...wasting money...teaching her false entitlement...all very destructive patterns this man that is my father has caused.
At this point...I'm not sure what to do...I do not/will not provide her with money...I will NOT allow her to exploit me...don't care...NO RESPECT...NO FINANCIAL SUPPORT! No nothing! It's like an alcoholic...they have to recognize their behavior and understand the community/people will not accept the behavior and neither will I. I waiver between so desperately missing the bond with her and being so angry & disappointed...I just cannot say. It is unfortunate that these so highly educated people in my immediate & non-immediate family are so twisted...I have divorced my family, so to speak, and am now reaching out for friends & people who will help me from actually committing suicide...from destroying myself over this. I could have just as easily washed this baby from my womb...but I choose to give life and deal with what may come...little did I know it would become so terribly bitter & lonely for me. And I would guess my daughter too...I know she suffers because we WERE close when she was a little girl...oh my god...how I miss that time with my beautiful sweet child!

Lynne - posted on 03/17/2014

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Hi my daughter is 21 she is so rude, lazy and disrespectful and when she isn't causing a argument she ignores me. I've just told her i'm fed up of it and if she does not start to respect me I will take the day of work and have my locks changed and pack her bags for her she just turned round and said good. Any help or advice as I'm a single parent fed up of being treat this way.

Betty - posted on 01/22/2014

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AGREE ! We have the same daughter .... My daughter tells me all the time I have to EARN her respect. No I don't. I earned it carrying her for 9 months in my body, then pushing her out, then supporting her, clothing her, feeding her and providing her roof. When they get this nasty, it takes you to a place you never thought before. Tough love. Enablilng over.

Betty - posted on 01/22/2014

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Karen, I understand. I think we have the same daughters, except mine is 19 1/2 and a sophomore in college. I just posted for my first time, and my post is very similar to yours. As all my friends have encouraged me to "cut-her-off" I was still willing to be the doormat she was used to. It was only after she told me she couldn't wait til I was completely out of her life, that I was a drop out, that we have her permission to end our 25 year marriage that she calls "poisonous" and that we don't have to stay together for her ???? Yes our family has it's amount of dysfunction, however, 1 1/2 years at college does not make her a life coach !!! I'm tired of the abuse, I'm tired of being taken forgranted, I'm tired of being the bad guy ! I'm here ... and WE are doing the right things for our daughters to be strong and successful. Unfortunately I will be her enemy until she is at least 35 !

Evelyn - posted on 12/16/2012

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You also have to earn that respect. If you have given her everything and she has not had to go without things then yes, you have enabled this behavior to happen. Cutting the finacial ties is going to pinch her in the bum I am sure. But she is going to run to her daddy I bet anything and he will give her some things you are not...money.

Genna - posted on 10/17/2012

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I also have a 21 year old diva. I've done everything for her and she is down right mean to me! I agree with what you are doing. My daughter is a junior in college and has been given a myriad of opportunities. Her favorite game to play is to call her dad and complain about me. Try answering to two? This weekend is Parent Weekend at the university she attends. I've decided to not attend. I've never missed an event for her. I think it's time for her to look around and think about why I'm not there.

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