My almost 20 yr old is making bad choices; how do I stay out of it???

Shelley - posted on 06/10/2012

Maybe this will give you some encouragement....My brother also very bright, totally wasted my parents money sending him to a private college after H.S. I don't even know how he got into college being he was wasted so much of the time in H.S.. He got kicked out of things for showing up wasted and flunked out of college after 2 years of that behavior. My folks stopped giving him money/help. He drifted around doing odd jobs like tree trimming and tarring roofs for a year or two he was sometimes basically homeless. Finally he woke up and realized if he was going to have the life he wanted he'd have to work for it. He went back to school and graduated. Got into dental school and graduated. Now he's a very successful dentist with a lovely wife and 4 kids. Never would have dreamed he'd turn out so well with his rocky start. True story.

Jodi - posted on 06/09/2012

Acknowledge your fears and concerns, reaffirm your love for him, and acknowledge that he is an adult~under the law AND in your eyes. That he is now responsible for his life and that you and dad will be there as support and encouragement for him, although it may not look like he thinks it should.

In our society, I think parents often confuse the ideas of unconditional love and support with acceptance of actions. You son is an adult. He has his opinions, he has his habits, he has his views on life. You and your husband have your opinions, your habits, and your views of life. Just because the two do not meet eye to eye does not mean you do not love your child. You are allowed to disagree and still unconditionally love. You can unconditionally love a person and not like, or agree with, their actions. Do you love your friends? Do you agree with everything they do or say? Transition your relationship with your son into an adult relationship filled with respect and honesty. Respect who he choose to be......this does not mean you have to agree with it! It just means you have to acknowledge the reality of it and that it is his choosing.

You son seems intelligent. Have an honest and open conversation with him, don't raise your voice, do express your opinions, as your opinions, not as absolute rights or the measure of correctness. Listen to his opinions, not as absolute wrongs or bad choices, but as another adult human being's opinions. Then see what comes from this kind of dialogue.

Good luck and godspeed
www.theconsciousmoment.com ~coaching for the relationships you desire

MK - posted on 06/08/2012

It's helpful to know I am not the only one dealing with this kind of stuff. It makes me feel like I did something wrong as a Mom when he acts like a lazy bum with no motivation or ambition.

MK - posted on 06/08/2012

Thanks for your advice- I know you are right but its still so hard to follow through- but I know that is what's best for him even if it makes me feel worse- it's not about me. I've thought about the Skype option, but I'm not sure what I will do or what I can do if I see something that is of concern- like you said he is his own man now, so my options are limited. I keep hoping he will come to his senses and see what is best for him, but if there are other influences, such as drugs/alcohol than I don't think he knows what's best. We've been very clear about what his options are in regards to getting help from us, so I think that's all I can do. Thanks again!

Francine - posted on 06/08/2012

As parents its hard. I'm going through the same thing with my 22 year old daughter. Her boyfriend had nerve to come over tonight unannounced aft almost midnight and now my daughter left to spend the night in the streets with him without any concern that id be up and worried. She's failing school because of him. I have been trying to help but she repays me by pulling stuff like this. I clearly have to let go though. She keeps showing me that. When her student loans come after her for non payment, I believe that's when she may learn but who knows. Its not my place to bail her out anymore. All I can do is be a listening ear and pray for her. Its time for you to do the same.

Louise - posted on 06/08/2012

Your son is 21 the same age as mine. You have to sit back and let him make his own mistakes in life. You can advise if he asks your opinion but that is it. He is a man now. Your son sounds lost in life he really does. He obviously does not have any direction. First things first he needs to go to the job center and enrole. He may be entitled to benefits if he is actively looking for work, any work. Then he can work from there. If you bail him out with cash he will spend it on stuff he does not need instead of getting off his backside and looking for work. Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you realise things are bad. He will never do that if you bail him out all the time.

Your role as mum now is advisor. He is a man and with that comes responsibilities. It is up to him to sort himself out and decide what he is going to do. You can not do it for him. If you ae worried what he looks like then get Skype so that you can see him every day on camera.