My daughter and her boyfriend are going to the same college.

Betsy - posted on 08/13/2009 ( 28 moms have responded )

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My beautiful, smart and awesome 18 year old daughter is starting college next week. Until about 2 months ago, I wouldn't have had any concerns about this at all. She has been an honor student her entire life, always made the right choices and never gave us a minute's worth of trouble. Her date from prom this year is currently her steady boyfriend. He is a nice kid and seems to respect her and me, so no real problems there. They are going to be in the same dorm building, which is what I'm having a hard time with. I know that my daughter has an extremely good head on her shoulders, but I also know the power of hormones. She has a roommate and so does he, so alone time will be minimal. I have already told her to prepare for a long talk about appropriate behavior in the dorm. I have even told him that I trust him and that I hope that he doesn't do anything to take away that trust. Does anyone else have any fears about the freedom that your child will have away from home? She is not my first child to go to college, but for some reason, I am more worried about her. She is a little more naive than my older children and I'm very anxious about her being there with him.

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Liz - posted on 03/09/2013

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I thought it would be useful for you to hear advice from somebody who has been to college with their boyfriend. We were in the same class and everything. I'm still young but I thought my input might be useful to you.

Before we lived together I got my work done, had a head on me - A* student without really trying. At 18 I went to uni and we lived together throughout college and we had a really good relationship - but still the overall emotional strain of being in a relationship, where we were both stressing about the same work {without one of us being detached from that stress] really did compromise both of our final results. I walked into it blindly, not seeing any issues with it - surely it was the 'perfect' thing to do.

Later, I didn't regret it totally because I am still with the guy and now at 21 years old I know that he is the right person for me - one thing I do regret was compromising my studies over him, because your grades on paper aren't excused by emotional circumstance.

I imagine that if your daughter and her boyfriend are going to be living in dorms then it could actually be a positive thing, living together alone can leave disappointment - when it comes to 'the excitement' of living away from home and 'partying' and "going to college" as it is typically perceived.

She could get hurt - but that is part of life and she will move on, less naive.
Just make sure she knows not to compromise her education for a boy.
She will regret it later if she does.

I didn't fail but I should have been at the top of my class, I had drive and passion
for what I was doing but my equalled passion for my boyfriend let my grades slip
- because I was skipping the time I should have spent on activities external to the course itself which would have amounted to my degree to find time to spend time with my boyfriend that wasn't based around my education.

Karen - posted on 09/14/2012

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Hi Mary,



I can't believe it. Your last two paragraphs sound exactly ++++I'm not kidding you, like what I do. Just this afternoon I sent my daughter the following text: "Have a great retreat weekend with your team. I luv you, I'm very proud of you." She texted me back, "Thanks mom.". Me too, I have taken the brunt of disrespect; she'd NEVER do that with her dad. I've become much stronger in setting my boundaries with her, staying more firm and not letting her behaviour "hurt my feelings" so much; in return, my self-esteem has become stronger too. She is a lot better than a year ago and I've really grown as a mother; I'm no longer dwelling on all of her choices and have learned to sit back more.........and wait a little more patiently. I've learned to not share all the worries I have about what she should or shouldn't do. Actually come to think of it, the only time I've actually felt "worried" or disappointed has been since "the boy" (that's what my husband and I call him:) has been around.



Since she was born, I have directed all of my hopes and energy around her, making sure that everything was just right. Over the past six months though, I have redirected my focus and I'm feeling stronger to deal with this change in life (child growing up and moving on). We also have a 14 year old daughter and I've found myself to be more relaxed with her and am savouring these last few years we still have her at home.



The more I think about this clearly, the more I'm coming to the realisation that I need to be a better leader and role-model to my daughters. I think what I need to do is "get a life", meaning, pursue as much as possible, every little dream that I've had for myself that has been put off since having children. I have to invest time into my development and take the focus off them. Hopefully being more self-centred and looking more at myself will have a positive affect on them down the road. Isn't each consecutive generation supposed to be better off than their parents? (better off in terms of education, health, lifestyle etc....) I do work full-time (middle school teacher..which I LOVE) so my time is pressed for fun and hobbies. My friend Theresa has asked me to start taking Zumba classes with her and so guess where I'll be each Tuesday and Thursday night for the next two months? So this is a start with my refocusing!!



Has your daughter ever thought about doing a study term over-seas? Or study/work term (like Spain or France etc.....) By her getting away from "that boy", this will give her the opportunity to broaden her horizons and break some unhealthy cycles. Would that be something she's interested in? Even a missions trip? I know it can be expensive, but there are also a lot of reasonable possibilities too. I've suggested this to my daughter with the same secret goal in mind, but she said, "No, I'm not into that kind of thing." I think she is just too young now and hopefully into her twenties might appreciate this kind of learning.



I hope to hear from you soon Mary! Take care, Karen

Mary - posted on 09/11/2012

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Haha - he sounds "charming!" Joking, of course😊 I guess he never did grow on you after knowing him for 2 years? If he has had a negative effect on your daughter, I could see why.

Since she will be spending a lot of time with some great, positive people, they will likely be a very positive influence on her.



I think I underestimated my daughter. The only ultimatum she gave him was to meet each other and spend a few hours alone together to see how they feel about each other. Although neither of them are over eachother, it seems they can't spend much time together without each of them saying things that hurt each other. They did not get back together 😊



In fact, she made sure they met in secret so that neither her friends nor his know anything about it. I know, I can't say I understand some of the things she does. She is still with her new boyfriend and wants to give him a shot.



If you don't mind, please keep me updated on how your daughter's life in college progresses as well.



Regards,

Mary

Peggy - posted on 09/05/2009

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We are in the same boat. Our 18 yr. old son has been dating the same girl since their freshman year of highschool. They are now attending the same college and live in the same dorm! His dad and I were almost sick with worry when we found out that this was happening. My husband had a good talk with our son about his future as did I. The fortunate thing for us is a good relationship with our son, his girlfriend and her parents. I talked with her mom and found that she also talked with her about the same things that we talked to our son about. The main thing is to be honest and open with your daughter and understand that she is your daughter but at the same time, an adult. It has been hard for us to think that way sometimes. I am thankful that we had the talks that we did and it sounds as if you let your daughter and him know exactly what you expect from them. Our son has been gone for two weeks and so far so good. She may just surprise you with how well she can take care of herself. Good luck and I hope I helped!

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Julie - posted on 06/04/2013

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While my issue is somewhat different, it is also related. I haven't seen it discussed anywhere else. My daughter has just graduated from college, and is spending the summer in her college town, as is her boyfriend, who has also just graduated. She has just informed me that they will be cohabitating for the summer. While I won't even get into the moral issues...it seems futile. What I do object to is that they are not economically self sufficient. My other problem is that I do not want her 13 year old brother to think I think this is ok. Last, my own parents are still living, and do not believe that pre-marital sex, let alone cohabitation, is cool. I feel like my head is about to explode. Any advice? Anyone been through this?

Marry - posted on 01/07/2013

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Dont worry about her. Shes etter off with her bf then with the gang of dudes that are gunna be with her if shes not with the bf.

Destiny - posted on 10/06/2012

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Well all u have to do is talk to her about sex and tell her about having a babby and how painful it is it will chang her mind about everything

Karen - posted on 10/01/2012

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Hi Karen,



I'm glad you aren't letting her give up. I believe in a month she will have processed her emotions and reestablish herself with another group of friends; her resiliency will become stronger for having gone through the heartbreak and she'll forget about him. From what I've heard, and from what we experienced last year with our daughter (this is her second year of university), your daughter is not only dealing with the heartache due to the break-up but also getting used to being away from home. No matter how mature and ready they seem, it's a big transition in life, for her and for the parents. I'm having a much better "emotional" year this year, apart from the fact that her "leech of a boyfriend" has followed her to the same university. I find if I start thinking and talking about this issue, I feel my blood pressure go up and I have heartache.



Is your daughter shy? Does she make friends easily? Keep encouraging her to stay. Also, if you are really worried about her, suggest she go talk to someone in the counselling office for some positive support. This will help her work through her feelings.......until she's forgotten about him........which hopefully will be in 2 to 4 weeks.



Let me know what happens. Thanks for contacting me.



Karen from Canada

Karen - posted on 09/30/2012

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Hi,

I've been reading all your posts tonight. I have a daughter that just went away to college. She started seeing this guy before they left and ended going to the same school. This happened right after she was prepared to go to this school. If I knew it was going to happen I would have never let her go to this school..AT ALL!! Well, it's been a couple of weeks into the semester, and he broke up with her and she is so sad. My heart is breaking for her, but I feel that I cannot let her give up and come home. She wants to come home because she says she can't take it anymore being there with him there. I refuse to let her give up. I told her to go to class tomorrow and start to make friends of her own. This is suppose to be the best time of her life and it seems to be the most miserable. Any suggestions???

Karen - posted on 09/14/2012

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Sorry Mary, I just remembered you told me your daughter did a Spain program.....Great! Will she do another program like this elsewhere? I studied Spanish in Spain for a month during the summer of 2010 (Incidentally, while I was gone, my daughter started going out with "the boy"!:)....Why did I go???? boohoo.......joking:)

Mary - posted on 09/14/2012

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Hi Karen,



Thank you for your encouragement as well!



Oh, so he's that guy - the one that most girls are attracted to. I think it's very understandable that she is so "hooked."  As long as she is happy and he is really good to her, then there shouldn't be too much need to worry at this point? He could surprise you and mature into the perfect future son-in-law, you just never know!



In the meantime, he'll be meeting a lot of new and exciting people. You probably know there are girls who will try to steal her boyfriend and they can be pretty provocative. Maybe he is used to that and won't be tempted (my daughter's boyfriend only became tempted after months of drug use). If he does mess up, you can believe there'll be plenty of great guys waiting to jump in and sweep her off of her feet, especially if they are in their 3rd or 4th year. As a generalization, I've noticed that a lot of the guys want to have fun and chase "the party girls" for their 1st couple of years. By the 3rd or 4th year, at least at my daughter's school, they start looking for relationships with the "right kind of girls." It just occurred to me that my daughter's ex must be doing everything backwards - haha😊



I know you are concerned that your daughter hasn't made an effort to find a best girlfriend lately, but she probably would if she found that she needed one. Plenty of girls will always welcome someone as a friend if she reaches out to them. Some girls tend to be comfortable having just one best friend and prefer to spend their time focusing on being the best at whatever they do, etc. Does this describe your daughter? Maybe he's a comfort and a reliable "best friend?" 



Violence in the family? I would be worried sick - but I admit I am very overprotective and a worrier (but I don't apologize for it). His family certainly looks to be dysfunctional and his mother's behavior is definitely a huge concern. I hope she hasn't formed any opinions based on the perceptions of an 18 year-old - that would be worrisome. Have you and your husband been introduced to her before? You would think she'd be trying her hardest to impress you and your husband (as most people would). Since she is probably aware that you know about some of her family's issues, do you think it's possible she might have felt awkward? 



If your daughter's boyfriend fell into some bad behavior, she most likely would be more prudent and practical than mine was. Maybe she wouldn't put up with it for very long at all. I think my daughter ignored or put some of the relationship problems on the back burner - hoping they would fix themselves or go away by themselves. She can be a procrastinator sometimes. You could be right about the comfort zone thing and I'd like to think so. Incidentally, I wonder why my daughter still puts up with some of his behavior. Lately, he has sent her a few messages with some hurtful words (probably when he is in one of his childish moods). Most often, she answers firmly and puts him in his place, but with kind and compassionate words. I think most girls would have told him off by now - he won't stop this negative behavior toward her if there aren't any consequences. I just know that after he broke up with her, she was completely "broken," and I had never seen her that way before - and it's not like it's the 1st time she'd ever been heart broken. I was so angry and I couldn't understand why she wasn't angry herself.



How I feel is that our girls are trying to break away from us and live their lives and it's so frustrating when they don't want to benefit from our wisdom. They want to do what they want to do - and, many times, we don't say things they want to hear. So we find ourselves standing on the sidelines watching them make mistakes they might have avoided if they'd have listened to us. For me and my daughter, I have found it helps to keep up daily communication with her, most often with encouraging texts such as "I love you," "I'm so proud of you," and "I'm always here if you need me." This works for me to some extent to break some of the ice and keep lines of communication open.



Of course, my husband and I have withheld allowances or privileges at times - when she behaves disrespectfully (mainly to me).  Anyway, it can be a roller coaster sometimes. I do constantly pray that she has wisdom to make the right choices!



Hope to hear back from you soon!



Mary

Karen - posted on 09/12/2012

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Hi Mary,



Nice to hear back from you. There could be two sides to your daughter's situation; just because she stayed with him while he did drugs doesn't mean she also did/or tried them. Since they've been together so long, I think maybe she stuck with him out of habit/she was in her comfort zone. Let's face it, "Breaking up is hard to do", as the old song goes. I think it takes skill, experience and practice to break up with someone. If he were a new boyfriend, I'm sure she would have told him to hit the road as soon as she learned about the drugs; but he is so familiar to her and she wasn't quite sure how to get out of her "rut". I think her present heartache will make her more resilient and she won't put up with any "crap" in the future.



Thanks for your encouragement with my daughter. I'm at the point where I can't even ask her about him......and so don't. This is probably not good as she can't share with me a major part of her life, but I feel so disappointed. She has done nothing wrong and neither has he. Since he's been around, I'm not as close to her anymore and nor does she have a "best" girlfriend to hang out with (it's been over two years:((((............Yes she has always been on volleyball/soccer teams with plenty of opportunities to connect with others but she chooses not to. He is her everything/and visa versa. This desperate and close-minded approach is what worries me the most. Hopefully, he'll mess-up majorly just like your daughter's ex, and hopefully she'll have the self-assurance to call it quits. My daughter is steadfast and reliable, I can't see her even looking at another guy (although any guy who isn't blind would be looking her way!). I can't actually see her boyfriend getting into drugs like marijuana etc.....he's kind of a "cocky", bad-boy type......he does have charisma and he is very sociable (the opposite of her). This is what she probably likes about him. When he first started going out with my daughter he'd say, "Your parents are the best, you are so lucky." I don't think he still says that about us (me in particular), and probably makes comments like, "Your mother is so overprotective etc....". When passing him and his mother in the university residence 2 weeks ago, neither he nor his mother said hello to my husband and I. I think he speaks negatively about us to his mother. I asked him a couple of general university questions but the mother made no eye contact with us. Of course she is super happy about having our daughter in her son's life because he started behaving a lot better since they've been going out (I have insider information from school). Her other son (20 yrs old) left home at 17 after family violence with the step-boyfriend. Mary, do you get the picture.........? I better switch theme's now in order to reduce my blood pressure!:)



Anyways, my daughter is a sophmore (2nd year). In Canada we don't use the terms (Freshman, sophmore etc...), just 1st, 2nd year etc. She is taking a degree in biology now and considering a career in the Health Sciences (dentistry, physio, dietetics.....something like that).....she is mostly taking about dentistry.



I can understand not sharing too much information about your daughter's situation, especially if you're in a small town. What do his parents know about the situation? Drugs?



Karen

Mary - posted on 09/12/2012

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My daughter is a Junior this year and will hopefully graduate in 2014. She is a communications major but is considering either law school or just public relations.



Which career is your daughter pursuing? Is she a Freshman or a Sophomore? At this time in their life, they mature quite a bit each year. She could very easily meet someone new and wonderful, and then break up with her boyfriend. Also, be prepared that she could always have her heart broken by him. He will be meeting new people as well. You just never know how things can turn out. I would have never guessed that my daughter's ex would tire of their relationship first (I don't like seeing my daughter so heart broken, but I don't think he is right for her either).



I sort of "let her go" maybe too much when she went off to college. I wanted to give her space to learn and grow. I was confident that her morals and values were very solid - and that she would talk to me before making major decisions. Actually, I found out from his mother that they had started having sex. I took it ok, but I was heartbroken that she didn't confide in me. We used to be a lot closer than that. After the break up, I found it almost impossible to get her to open up to me. It was so frustrating. Things are better, but it takes several tries for her to have a meaningful conversation with me and I know she still holds back a lot. She probably finally talks to me because she knows I won't quit trying. It's not like the mom and daughter conversations we used to have. 



I am only trying to stay on top of things because I think she is still in a vulnerable spot. Also, I'm scared that she is not telling the complete truth about the drugs. If she stayed with him even while he was smoking marijuana several times a week, I can't help but suspect she didn't do the same now and then. With her grades and accomplishments, I'm sure she didn't have much time for that, however, his drug use progressed slowly and it could have easily happened to her if they had stayed together. 



Since your daughter is part of a varsity athletic team, this is an issue that you probably will not have to worry about - a blessing I would have liked to have!



Sorry for the long messages. I have not confided this information to anyone else. Everyone knows everyone around here - I'm even hesitating to talk to my best friend about everything 😏



Mary

Karen - posted on 09/11/2012

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Hi Mary,



I think your daughter's situation sounds promising. Her self-confidence and resiliency will build after going through this loss. I think I might have a few years to go before my daughter becomes more wise; on the other hand, as you said, I may also be underestimating my daughter, and there could be a sudden turn-around, especially at this age. Will your daughter graduate this year? What career is she thinking of?



Karen

Karen - posted on 09/09/2012

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Hi Mary,



Keep me updated with the progression and strides your daughter makes in her life "without him". This gives me hope; believe me, I've done so much praying about this, and I think the answer is.......let go. Then I start thinking too hard again and say to myself, "BUT I DON'T WANT HIM FOR A SON-IN-LAW. HE TRIED TO CORRECT ME ON HOW TO MAKE MASHED POTATOES!"......I'm still not over this one :):)



Karen

Mary - posted on 09/09/2012

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It's wonderful your daughter has a great group of girls to be around. I am sure she will become close to some of them. One of my daughter's best friends (who is a quiet girl) plays volleyball for her university (different from my daughter's) and she has become very close to several of her teammates.



I believe most kids under the age of 22 do not have the maturity to handle relationships very well and they make many mistakes. Hopefully, they learn from these mistakes and all of the heartache they cause so that they will later have a successful marriage with the right man for them.



You are right to not interfere - it usually drives a wedge between mom and daughter. I never interfered until I found out about the drugs - she told me about it during a weak moment right after the breakup. I was in complete shock when I found out. He was raised so well and truly had amazing Christian values.



Now all bets are off. My husband and I told her (and him) that we have absolutely no toleance for drugs. We asked that our wishes be respected that we don't want her to even be a friend with him as long as he was using. Yes, my daughter and I went through a rough spot. We got through it mainly because she still depends on us financially.



He was a true gentleman at first and he worshipped her. He was also her "first." She was saving herself for marriage, but eventually strayed from some of her values while off at college. They became very close and were so in love. They slowly began to take each other for granted. She is, by no means, perfect. She is a big flirt and has a lot of guy friends - I think he put up with a lot from her and vice versa. His drug use progressed very slowly and he became less and less dependable, but everything happened so gradually that it was hard for her to really see how dysfunctional their relationship was becoming. She is a strong, independent girl and I'm sure she could really put him in his place when she needed to.



I have no idea why she didn't just break up with him when she couldn't stand him being high all the time. She would get mad and they would fight. I'm so disappointed, but maybe it was a lack of maturity. Maybe she was too busy and took him for granted too much.



This summer, they spent six weeks in Spain - in study abroad programs offered by their university. They were actually in separate programs. Unfortunately, his program had much easier classes and he was staying near a part of town which was a "party district." His program attracted some of the more wild and immoral kids from their university. He got caught up into the heavy partying - drugs and alcohol till dawn. My daughter did not want to hang out with his new friends - she liked them, but they were not the type she wanted to associate with. Things deteriorated and he started treating her pretty badly - standing her up, disrespecting her, etc. A couple of the girls he was partying with kept telling him he needed to break up with her. I'm pretty sure he cheated on her. She was busy with her tough classes and really not in a position where she could easily deal with everything. A few days after they got home, he broke up with her.



If they get back together now, I doubt it will last. I hope she just wants closure and I hope they will mutually break up after a while. She knows our position on drugs and that there will be consequences if we find out he is doing them around her. I am disappointed that either she doesn't care enough to encourage him to get help or she doesn't feel the drugs are so bad. I wish I could say she was wiser than that.



I hope your daughter's teammates become a very positive and supportive group of friends. Hopefully, they will be a great influence and she will make positive, wise choices.



Sorry this is so long and thank you for "listening" and allowing me to pour my heart out. We worry because we love them and that's what moms do.



Mary

Karen - posted on 09/09/2012

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I appreciate everything you've shared with me. My daughter is on the varsity volleyball team and is busy 6 days a week with practices and tournaments and travelling to these tournaments too:) So she is in with a group of other athletes who are positive people. I think I'm just sad about it because of my own expectations. I think it's a "good thing" to have experienced several dating relationships. She seems to be "hooked" on him, and is already like a "good" wife. She (and he) are so young and now that he has followed her up to her university, the probability of them breaking up and her expanding her horizons has significantly diminished:( My feelings aren't specifically against him, it's more who she has become since being with him; more shy, isolating herself socially, controlling over him, jealous, grouchy, sensitive to everything I say, marks when down hugely in senior high school year ......coincidentally the year she started going out with him.



I really hope your daughter doesn't get back with that boy. I'm just wondering, with all of his negative behaviour over this past year, why didn't she break up with him? Why was it him? It sounds like a healthy move on her part to be experiencing and getting to know different types of people; this is what I'd like for my daughter. I must point out, I don't overtly share with her my true feelings about this relationship as I don't want it to backfire on me. I've never said anything negative about him in front of her, although by my vibes surrounding the topic, I think she knows!



I guess I just have to "Let go and let live":)







Hope to hear back from you.



Karen from Calgary, Canada

Mary - posted on 09/09/2012

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My daughter and her boyfriend began dating halfway through their HS senior year. She had a previous on and off again boyfriend since age 15 so he is her second "high school sweetheart." She is outgoing and makes many friends easily. She joined a sorority against my husband's objections. However, her sorority is known as the "smart girls" sorority and most of them are good, down to earth girls. Can't say that about other sororities. He is a little shy but he joined a fraternity. This fraternity was the wrong one for him.



Although they had the most solid and healthy relationship of all their friends (including both high school and college friends), they broke up this past July. The guys in most fraternities tend to want to be "macho" around each other and can be a bad influence. He has great parents and was raised very well, but peer pressure changed him quite a bit. Also, there were some wild party girls from other sororities that finally succeeded on getting between them.



Also, he began doing drugs late in his Freshman year. He gradually began doing more and more drugs which caused many fights. She has a 4.0 GPA and is heavily involved in things like Dean's Student Council and a college chapter of a professional society related to her major. She won her campus's Panhellenic Sophomore of the Year. He broke up with her because he felt they were not meant to be together. He has become (or has always been?) very insecure.



She was very heartbroken and devastated. It was so hard to watch. I was furious with him. It was so ugly how he had treated her and then left her. He is no longer the sweet, dependable young man who treated her with nothing but respect. I don't know who he is anymore. I saw my beautiful, confident, bubbly daughter go through heartbreak. Thankfully, she has a wonderful circle of supportive friends. She recovered quite quickly. She has just started going out with a great guy (she has no intentions to be serious with him), and she is having a lot of fun.



Of course, she is not completely over her ex. He found out about the new boyfriend, and went to see her yesterday. They are in no way ready for a reconciliation as he is still doing drugs and is not right with himself. I'm almost positive she will give him an ultimatum to take her back or lose her forever. She is usually a very strong person but when it comes to him, rational thinking goes out the door. I think an ultimatum like this is very selfish and I told her so. I know she won't listen to my advice. They will probably get back together. All I can do is pray that they don't destroy anything that they have left.



Most of my daughter's friends who were still in their high school relationship when they left for college, whether or not they went to the same university, did not make it through their Freshman year before breaking up. Everyone thought my daughter's was going to last forever.



Your daughter should get involved in something like student government or anything on campus that interests her. Any involvement will boost her self confidence and she will meet people and hopefully make good friends. Her relationship could be the exception and they could have a great college experience together. However, at the same time, she needs her own life apart from him so she can develop and grow.

Karen - posted on 09/08/2012

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Hi Mary,



Thanks for replying. I'm very interested in knowing if your daughter's relationship endured (having started at such a young age). I try not to think about my daughter's relationship with her boyfriend too much because it just makes me feel disappointed. She was 17 and he 16 when they started going out. (She is now 19 and he 18). Being a shy girl, she doesn't exactly make friends easily; and since he's been around, she hasn't developed any good friendships at all. What do you suggest?

Mary - posted on 09/08/2012

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Hello, Karen,



I am not the one who wrote this original post. However, my daughter and her boyfriend went to the same university and are now both juniors there. The university is 5 1/2 hours from home. If you would like me to let you know how they are doing, I would be happy to tell you anything you'd like to know.

Karen - posted on 08/28/2012

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I'm just wondering how the situation with your daughter and boyfriend turned out? I see you posted this 3 years ago, but I'm going through this at the moment with my 19 year old daughter and her 18 year old boyfriend (they've been dating 2 years) and he is following her to her university 3 hours away from home. I'm sick and mad and feeling every other emotion. Can you tell me how you dealt with it? ARe they still going out?

Betsy - posted on 08/19/2009

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Thank you ladies. I had a very frank talk with her yesterday and, even between her rolling of the eyes, I know some of it sunk it. I spilled it all out to her. She has an awesome scholarship to this school and I told her I expect her to use her head when she needs it the most. She has an awesome roommate and I told her that she could even put that relationship in jeopardy if she does something irresponsible. I have told her that her actions affect her the most. She wants to have a bright future and I made it very clear that a baby wouldn't fit into that scenario at all. I don't think she will get involved in the drinking, smoking, etc. of college life, it was just this issue that I was concerned with the most. I also did tell her that if she feels that she is really ready for a sexual relationship then she can come to me for advice about birth control. I also told her that I wouldn't judge her, but I would just help her keep herself safe, because that's my biggest priority.

BERNADETTE - posted on 08/19/2009

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yes....you must talk with her first and then tell her, now we are going to talk to him so the he understands my concerns. My daughter broke up with her boyfriend but everytime she went out with him i would say, don't do anything, she nows what i meant. I have to say, dont be mistaking they will have time for each other. My daughters college allowes vists on week days till midnite and weekend sleep overs. You must do what is best for her, talk to her and tell her you want to protect her and if she thinks anythings going to happen that you will take her for birth control. i know how it sounds but thats what im going to do for my daughter. remember comdom are not 100%. We must protect our children. Its to bad they dont make pills for boys to. I dont know what i'm going to do when my son is in that hormon stage. wish all the luck i can give.

good luck

bernadette

Lynne - posted on 08/16/2009

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I currently have a daughter who will be a sophomore in college and her boyfriend is attending the same college. We have had the talk of no sex! PERIOD! I am very frank with all of my children. This one is the one that I am most concerned about though! I have taught her what I could, instilled the values that I think are best and now I have to trust that she will be smart. She is a bit too infatuated with this guy for my liking at age 18 but I have been very open with her about what i expect from her for schooling. "if you screw up and lose your scholarship, you don't return to that university!" I hope all goes well with her heading off to college! Hang in there mom!

Sue - posted on 08/16/2009

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As you know hormones are very strong. I agree with Ashley. Have a very serious and frank sex talk with her and him too. I have a sophomore girl in college and her boyfriend moved into his dorm today at the same school. I have talked to both of them and said that their goals will disappear if they get pregnant and I am NOT raising any more kids. Hopefully your daughter will come to you first before she becomes sexually active and you can help her. Good luck.

Mona - posted on 08/14/2009

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I've always reminded my boys that their father and I didn't even know each other until after I graduated from high school so consider that while dating.
My 17 yo boy has also been a good student. He was even valedictorian. He will be starting his first year of college this fall. I've asked him what his goals are. I then asked how a baby would fit into those plans.
I told him if he really cares about the girl he is seeing he would not want to put her in a bad situation where she would have to make tough choices. Choices that he would have to support.
I trust his judgement. I also know that accidents happen. I've done all a mom can do as far as having many talks and providing protection. I won't say it could never happen to my boys because... well, boys are just young men and men don't think with their brains. I will say, if an accident were to happen, I would be supportive of him and the girl.
I guess in the end the best we can hope for is that they have listened to everything we've said and will take our advice.
Mona - http://moremilestones.blogspot.com

Ashley - posted on 08/13/2009

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Wow..... that's a tough one. I would have a sit-down talk with both of them and leave no vagueness in what I was saying. Rather than talking about "trust", I would come right out and talk about sex. Talk about what can happen to their futures together and as individuals if there is a pregnancy before graduation. Talk about what they would do if she got pregnant. Really talk frankly. My DAD had that talk with me before I left for school. It was one sentence: "Don't bring me any babies, I'm done." And, I'm telling you, that was the one thought that ran through my head at those moments when the decisions were rough and the hormones were raging. Maybe if you have a frank conversation with them both, then your words will run through their minds too at those critical moments when they are faced with the tough decisions.

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