My daughter moved out tonight and I can't help feeling bad

Karen - posted on 09/22/2012

Thank you. I have been praying hard for a year; I think I just need to be patient and calm down.

Atlanta - posted on 09/22/2012

Oh no! I think you did say that already in your post. I will pray harder! :-)

Karen - posted on 09/22/2012

Thanks. I will pray for you and also that your daughter makes smart choices and that the boy moves on. I want my daughter (who sounds a lot like yours) to not limit herself and her life experience. She thinks (and he thinks) they are going to get married!!!

Atlanta - posted on 09/22/2012

Is your daughters boyfriend atleast working toward a goal etc. I think your/hope your situation may end up being ok in the end? I know it kind of limits thing but atleast he's in school? I will be praying for you and your daughter every step of the way!

Karen - posted on 09/22/2012

Well thanks, no problem. I am kind of in the same situation, so I know how you feel.

Atlanta - posted on 09/22/2012

This made me laugh Karen. I agree get your own life! She wants to be a teacher. She is very meek and mild mannered. She is very beautiful and super sweet. She is honestly a joy to be around. She is the type of person you want to protect from everything which make this all the more difficult. I think she is lonely without her sister and lost. She starts a new job soon one that is a real world type job and not baby sitting so hopefully she will make new friends etc and this loser will be history. Thank you for taking your time to talk to me. This would have been more difficult without these conversations.

Karen - posted on 09/22/2012

What is your daughter taking in college? What would she like to do for a career? Unfortunately, many girls are putting their energy at a young age into their love life instead of putting their energy into building themselves and studying for a great career. (my daughter is also 19 and her 18 year old boyfriend of 2 years has followed her to the same college......I'm also very mad about this.....why doesn't he get his own life!!!!)

Atlanta - posted on 09/22/2012

That's a good one and you are right! He's actually good enough to play unfortunately. He got several scholarship offers he couldnt take advantage of because he not legal. I would like to say if he goes back to Costa Rica she would be smart enough not to go but I am not so sure anymore. My husband is going to call his parents and let them know we dont agree with the relationship and that if it continues we are going to make the phone call. His dad owns a construction company and a cleaning company. He plans to work for his dad full time. He fills in now and then already. I dont know how they will get to work because I am not letting her take the car I pay for. I pay her car payment and her insurance. I refuse to let her take the car she he can drive it. He has no license and no insurance. So getting to work is going to be a real problem. I am going to write a letter. That's a great idea.

Karen - posted on 09/21/2012

Hi again Atlanta Mom,



I once heard someone say, "What would you rather have, a mad friend or a safe friend?" I think it's inevitable your daughter will be mad at you for not supporting her in her decisions surrounding the relationship with "the guy". It's my opinion that she needs to know how you and your family/friends feel about this; to avoid showing your anger (which can ruin everything), write her a note expressing all of your concerns and get everyone in the family to sign the letter (Intervention style)......so you aren't the only "bad-guy". She'll be mad but at least she won't be in the hands of a loser. She'll thank you when she's 25. Hopefully he will return to his country without her (Is playing pro-soccer a wild dream of his or is he actually a high-level player and is he just saying this to make himself sound better to her?) If she were to move out with him, how does she expect to pay for rent, food, school etc.????



Karen from Canada

Atlanta - posted on 09/21/2012

Karen,



You are not at all being rude. Not disable just immature to a fault. I thought he may be using her for papers but I did my research and I have friends from Germany etc. Its not as difficult to become legal in the USA as you would think. A Marriage would not help him get legal. Its doesnt make a difference. My daughter is very pretty. I think the boys she dated in the past hurt her deeply because she was already shy. I agree with you and nothing you could ever say would offend me. I am so happy to just have someone hear/listen to me. You are a blessing. Good luck in everything you do. Thank you for taking time out of your life to talk to me.

Karen - posted on 09/21/2012

Is the only reason she isn't living in college residence is because her boyfriend doesn't want her to be there? I don't mean to sound too invasive or rude, but does she have any type of learning disability or disabiity etc? I'm just asking this to put the pieces together a little more about how she may be thinking. Another question, could he be using her (because he can't get anyone else), in order to get his/and his mom's immigration papers? This seems to be quite common (my brother is going though that). It sound like the situation might be progressing quickly. Hang in there. Are you speaking to anyone in your church about this? (if you have a church) because I think it's a good idea to get some experienced help with this situation.

Atlanta - posted on 09/21/2012

I just noticed I am not replying to your reponses correctly. Sorry about that. I am very sad about this situation. I have also angry so that doesnt help at all.

Atlanta - posted on 09/21/2012

He is 20 so a year older than her but they graduated from High School in the same year. I believe she dated 2 guys before him and they both broke up with her because she would not get intimate (thank goodness). I think she belives this guy is safe. I also think she wants to live on her own because she sees her sister doing so. In my opinion she thinks this guy will provide her with the means to live on her own like her sister. She would probably never admit that but it is part of it. Yes she is easily swayed and easily taken advantage of. We could convince her to stay home today and as soon as she speaks with him she will be moving out again. She is going to do what ever he tells her to do right now.

Karen - posted on 09/20/2012

Hi Atlanta Mom,



How old is the guy? What do you think your daughter likes about him? (might be difficult to answer) Why do you think he likes her? Has she ever had a boyfriend before him? Is she a vulnerable person/easily swayed or taken advantage of? I'm just thinking about how I'd handle this very difficult situation. I feel your pain.



Karen from Canada

Atlanta - posted on 09/20/2012

Thank you! Both of her sisters, her grandfather, her father, and I have tried to talk to her but she refuses to listen. Nothing we say matters. She actually told me she considers this kid her family. She very immature life wise. She's light years behind her twin sister in life smarts. I think because her sister or I have always done everything for her. It was such a habit we didn't even notice it was happening or that it was having such a impact on her emotional growth. What scares me is she hates conflict and is not the kind of person to stand up to him. Her twin sister told me the reason she is not living on campus is because this guy told her if she moved in with her sister to on campus he would never speak to her again. i wish he would just move on with someone else or she would realize how bad he is for her. She is so blinded by her feelings for him. He is also talking about moving back to Costa Rica to play soccer professionally. If he does that I am sure he will talk her in to going with him. Then we wont be able to help her when something happens.

Karen - posted on 09/19/2012

I feel very bad for you as a mother. You must be DISAPPOINTED!+++++ What is her twin saying about all of this? Are you able to give a little bit of your opinion or does this cause a big argument?

Atlanta - posted on 09/19/2012

She has been with him less than a year. He said some really ugly things to her sister back in April which caused a family fight. They were broken up for a period of time because of this. I found out last Wednesday she has been seeing him again for 3+ weeks at a minimum. She was sneaking around because she knows we don't approve. I am devastated but I know the harder i push the further she is going to run. I would love to think that it wouldn't last but I believe he will hold on to her with everything he has. I doubt anyone else will have him because he has such a controlling personality. Most girls these days won't put up with that. He is also very unattractive. I know that doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things but it may be a factor in him hanging around longer than he needs to. My daughter has always lived with me. She has never even worked except for baby sitting. she is a twin and her twin sister lives on campus. I found out recently the jerk she is seeing told her if she moved on campus that he would never talk to her again. My youngest daughter also told me when she was in the car with her sister this idiot called and started screaming at her for not returning his text messages fast enough. He cares about her alright. He would rather put her life in danger because of his insecurities than wait for her to answer his messages when she can. She does not text and drive. We have drilled this in her head but with him yelling at her like that he still puts her at risk on the road. Dislike is not a strong enough word for this nightmare of a human being. I am so happy i found this group. I am not at all a depressed person but I was so depressed Monday I had to take vacation because I couldn't get out of bed. I feel better now.

Karen - posted on 09/18/2012

Thanks for sharing your story Atlanta Mom! You must be really disappointed. How long has she been with him? If she does drop out of college (because of he new life with him).....I can't believe that it will actually last. Did she live at home with you up until now?

Atlanta - posted on 09/18/2012

This probably won't make you feel better but I thought I would give it a try. My 19 year old daughter is moving in with her boyfriend who is from Costa Rica and not here legally. He is controlling and mentally abusive but she thinks he's perfect. Suddenly I am the bad guy because I refuse to support this. She is in Collge but who knows if that will last. He can't offer her a future because has no license, can't go to college, and cant work a normal job because of his status. The only thing that stops me from turning him in is his 12 year old brother and mother who has had a stroke. Under these circumstances I can't bring myself to do that. So when you get sad about your situation think about this. It could be worse. :-) of course I am trying to be humorous. To a mom I am sure all situations like this feel the same.

Karen - posted on 08/28/2012

I feel your pain. You must feel very hurt and very angry......especially at him! Contact your local church to get support for you to cope and get through this situation. Of course, when she phones you, and I suspect it will be soon, don't share your anger as this could trigger her to be defensive. Stay calm and let her know you love her. Do not help her with money at all. Always welcome her home to visit. You need a lot of support right now. Your patience will be tested. Remember, no one is exempt from life pain. I've been going through a similar situation for many months now and I am getting stronger. Remember to reach out for help for you. Take care.

Shauna - posted on 08/16/2012

Just love her... you need to accept that she needs to grow up. Your daughter needs to learn things on her own. I know it's hard to let go... believe me, I have 9 kids & in the last 3 years we have had to "let go" of three of our older kids & come the 28th of this month (Aug) a fourth child will be married & on her own with a new life & husband; off on a new adventure.

Reach out to her, let her know that you love her, no matter what decisions she makes... let her know that your home is always open to her & that she can come home anytime, under any circumstances. Again, I know that can be hard but I believe it's harder to fight against her & drive her away. As parents, all we can do is trust that we taught our children the skills they need to be successful, productive adults. And in the end, we also need to let go enough to let them make mistakes & learn from those mistakes.

(((BIG HUGS)) momma! Keep reaching out to her... she needs your love & support.

Shauna Nilsson ~ Mum of 9
Layton, Utah

Francine - posted on 07/10/2012

Thank you. It's been tuff because we haven't spoken at all. My worst fear is never speaking again. I pray everyday for her and I really do hope shes still in college. Your definitely right I do need to let her go. One day she will realize all the things she took for granted.

Donna - posted on 07/02/2012

Hi Francine, having had the experience of my daughter, when she was 18, moving out and pregnant (we love our adorable grandson) and then moving back in at 21; and moving out again, just recently, now 23, I totally understand how you feel. The one thing my hubby and I decided to do, was to let her be. We don't like it, we worry, but we can only talk and do so much. Yes, she will have to learn for herself on her own. We continue to encourage her, and we help with babysitting whenever she needs it. We are happy that she continues to pursue college, and thank heavens so does her boyfriend/future husband-they have a promise ring now. From my experience, the only one she will have to turn to when she needs someone is you. Everything looks all rosy to your daughter now, she will might feel differently later on.

Francine - posted on 06/30/2012

Thank you. Your right about that. Its just that I've been a pushover for so long and I never thought she would leave on bad terms. It's hurtful when you know you've done alot for your kids and then a guy comes along and then all of a sudden she treats her family badly. This is a learning experience not only for her but for me to. I appreciate your advice. Thanks again

Louise - posted on 06/29/2012

Send her a letter in a few days time and express that you are always there for her and if she wants to come back that she is more than welcome. Then leave it for a couple of weeks and write again. Just tell her how much you miss her and that you hope everything is working out and then ask her round for a coffe and an informal chat.

You can do no more than that. A letter is unconfrontational and she will read it. Sometimes us mums have to sit back and watch as our children make mistakes. This is how they learn as an adult. Just be there for her when things get tough.