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My hearts breaking

Carolyn - posted on 01/20/2009 ( 5 moms have responded )

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My youngest son lost one of his high school friends to a car accident on Sunday...They have been friends their whole life, and my oldest son was his roommate at college. I've been encouraging them to talk more and hang out with their friends. My younger son isn't one for expressing himself easily, and my oldest son hasn't said much either.

They have assured me that they have been talking about it with other friends, but I still worry.

My heart is breaking, and I just want to ease their pain.

Aaron was such a sweet young man, high school athlete, friend, and he may have survived it he would have had on a seat belt.

I always tell my kids to wear their seat belts, I know my oldest doesn't because when we get in the car it just isn't habit for him, and I have to tell him to buckle up.

This is just so hard

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Teresa - posted on 02/05/2009

I am so sorry for all of you!

My oldest daughter lost her close friend(murdered) a few years ago, my daughter was upset for a long time, I noticed the times it was the worse was at night, my daughter would wake me up crying and scared saying she keeps dreaming of her friend and seeing her in her window..I just sat-up with her and let her get thru it..answered any questions she had and assured my daughtter her friend was not suffering.I noticed my daughter would come and talk to me when she felt the need..it all worked out.

Still very sad.

Karen - posted on 01/28/2009

Carolyn...so sorry about your sons friend...I know as moms it is always hard to watch our kids go through the hard stuff...we share their pain and hurt alongside of them....hang in there.

Mischelle - posted on 01/26/2009

Hi Carolyn- First off, I have been in your shoes. My son was the driver of a car that took the life of one of his best friends in high school 4 years ago. I know your grief. Let me start by saying that the single most important thing for you to do as a mother is to constantly make sure your sons knows you are available anytime, anywhere to talk about anything. Also continue to encourage them to seek help from another adult such as a counselor, pastor or other person close to their them. Sometimes they just can't talk to mom but they can someone else.

The second thing I can tell you is that their peer support is better than you may realize. For whatever reason, our kids have their own healing process that involves their friends. They share, the cry and they remember together, all of which helps the healing. It is sometimes better to allow them their own process than to try to interject our own. I know how hard it is when you can't fix it for them, but our way may not be the best.

And finally, all you can do is continue to encourage them to have safe driving habits. Unfortunately, it often takes more than the death of a friend to drive home the point as I have seen in my own community. As a mom, your job now is to offer advice and support, neither of which they are required to accept but I fully beleive they listen to.

It will get better. Take a deep breath each morning and know that things will be okay and if they are not, there is probably nothing you could have done to prevent it.

Martha - posted on 01/21/2009

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Carolyn - I am so sorry for your heartache and for your sons' sorrow. I think you have handled the situation as best as possible. One of the things you notice as your kids grow up is how much harder it gets to ease their pain as compared to when they were little - when a hug and a lollypop would do the trick. As with all sorrows, time will heal it.

Lela - posted on 01/21/2009

The only thing I would suggest is to make sure they know you are available if they decide they want to talk about it. Sounds like they may be talking it out with other people who knew and loved their friend though.