My son says I call him too much and won't answer my calls, how do I cope? Help

Sylvia - posted on 09/17/2009 ( 32 moms have responded )

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How do I handle my son not wanting me to call him. I call maybe once a day or every other day and sometimes he won't answer my calls or call me back. I even told him that I wouldn't call that much but I wanted him to call me on sundays. And he said, " Sundays are football days" and he didn't call me on Sunday. He won't tell his dad not to call him, and he calls him two or three times a day. How do I take that??? Any suggestions????

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David - posted on 09/16/2012

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I am a widowed father of a beautiful daughter that has just entered her junior year at the University of Georgia. Although she has the Hope scholarship for tuition, my cost is still $3800 per semester. I pay her rent-$450.00 per month. I pay for her toilet paper, food, essentials, etc. and that's another big chunk of change. Not mention car insurance, gas, repair, and god knows what else. Let me say this. As a father, when I call on sunday to say "hi do you need anything?How's it going? etc. etc," I expect, by virtue that I pay for her "smart" cell phone that she return my calls. I call once a week. Sunday. With all the money I'm investing in my child, I expect to have a decent conversation lasting no more than 5 minutes capped with a mutual "I Love you." With todays communication technology, it's so easy to touch base, transfer money, and maintain contact. After all, I'm pushing her out of the nest, but all of it is done on my dime...and when I call I expect an answer! As a modern 2012 parent it's not to much to ask. Thank you, Dave.

Katrina - posted on 04/08/2013

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My son moved out. Stopped talking to me and when he did it was all against me. How I want to control him. How he is grown up and leave him alone... Well it ate away at me so much I had a Heart Attack . Seen him in the hospital for 3 days. But after that he's back to never coming over. Not calling . When I call he doesn't answer... Only maybe a text. We are not invited to his apartment . Don't let your son eat away at u like mine has done.... Broken Hearts can cause Heart Attacks!!!

Haly - posted on 06/06/2012

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It was very difficult for me when my daughter left for college. I think I cried for about three months, but one thing I never did was let her know this. She was very excited and happy and I didn't want my issue to affect her. What I did to get through this is think to myself, that she was doing something really good for herself. Did I want her to stay and live with me? No...I wanted her to have the chance at college and grow into her own person, not stay with me. I wanted her to become independent. It was really hard but we got through it. I just tried to think of her and not myself and that helped a lot. I hope you too will get through this ok, i know you can do it.

Speakeasy304 - posted on 05/28/2012

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It's normal. He's gaining his independence and trying to grow into a man, which is something he will only be able to learn from his father. Don't take that as an insult, it's just part of nature. You can't teach him how to be a man because you aren't a man. You should actually be glad he's going through this. He'll (hopefully) grow into a mature adult man, then you'll have an adult relationship with your adult son. He won't stay 10-years old forever.

The book "Iron John" talks about this in detail (as do plenty of other books). I suggest it to all mothers.

Carolyn - posted on 10/15/2009

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My son is married and soon to be a father. At the little old age of about 15 my husband told me I needed to leave him be. So I stopped asking all the little questions; like how was school and friends. He did not feel comfortable talking to his mother about, well everything. I focused on other things I liked such as sewing and reading. He ended up with his dad as his best man at the wedding. We were both surprised. He said he was fine through the whole thing (wedding) till he got the hug from me. Then he thanked me for being there. So even though you feel like your not wanted or needed. Trust me he knows your there, when he does need you, that's the greatest feeling of all.

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User - posted on 09/06/2014

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Having same problem my 19 year old son left home to live with his dad!! And he never calls & texts me & when I do he ingores..):

User - posted on 08/29/2014

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My 19 old son left to live with his Dad.I am crushed,so depressed he doesn't even return my phone calls or texts... Miss him so much I feel so empty in my heart ..I feel his brothers are also hurting..

Elise - posted on 11/29/2013

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I too am one to call my son way too much. I also tend to ask to many questions. Certainly, from reading all these post that I will limit my questions. It's hard because men don't give the info that women are looking for.

Robin - posted on 05/05/2013

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I think we help our kids too much! I have given over $50,000 to my olderst son over the years since he has been an adult. Mostly in loans that he never pays back or debts he has gotten while I co-signed for him and he did not pay. He is married with one son and a daughter on the way and now I am finally done. It hurts to see this kind of behavior but I have a hard time understanding that type of disrespect. My husband and I are not in the position to do this but we did and have spend my inheritance from my mom on this lying boy. If I can help one person to not experience this insanity with their child it is worth the pain we have endured from this selfish child.

Kim South - posted on 08/26/2012

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Thank you Circle of Moms for sharing. As a single mom of one (his father passed away 15 years ago), I thought that I had been a bad parent. I feel so much lighter knowing that I am not alone and that I have to let go and allow him to find himself.

Laura - posted on 10/21/2009

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My son is in his 3rd year of college, the first year we talked once a week and it was hard but I didn't want to be the "helicopter mom". I still talk to him once a week or I text him. He usually answers the texts but he does call me if he misses my call. I keep the conversation short and don't ask too many questions. He likes that as do most boys they have a busy schedule don't take it personally. He loves you he just has things to do. Just be happy when you do talk to him. My son also talks and texts his dad more that me but that is okay it is a guy thing. lol. Good luck and it will all work out.

Sally - posted on 10/15/2009

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I remember another Mum said soon after our firsts were born we start letting them go as soon as they are born and I always try and remind myself of that.

It does seem that we get reminded of their appreciation and love at the most unexpected times.

Thanks

Sally - posted on 10/15/2009

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All sounds wise advice I am sure this will help me when my son heads off overseas next year.

Jill - posted on 10/15/2009

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Oh...I am so sorry...that must really hurt. I have a teenage son and it hurts my feelings when he won't accept a hug or pat on the back. I do remember that my brother really cut the strings from my mom, but they are now very close. I think guys at some point in their lives feel like they have to really cut the apron strings and be men. He just hasn't realized yet that he does need his mom, but he will. We moms love our little boys and want those sweet little boy days...but they will have none of that...lol...he is still developing and this is probably just a stage...BUT...I do have a suggestion. Try writing him the old fashioned way...pen and paper...that way you can tell him what is going on in your life and about things you have heard about friends and family...I knew a son wouldn't call from college, but he always read his mpther's letters and actually saved them. Tell him things and encourage him...don't ask a bunch of questions...guys don't like that...they see it as nagging...hope that helps and good luck!!

Linda - posted on 10/12/2009

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Guess I am like everyone else here. My 21 year old moved out 2 years ago and it drove me crazy not talking to him or seeing him everyday. It does get better with time I assure you. Try texting or emailing, not the same as hearing his voice, I know, but better than nothing. He will come around in time, mine did.

Melissa - posted on 10/11/2009

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when you call, let him do all the talking. he is searching for his independance. get into the conversation of his choice, and give him praise.

Mary - posted on 10/10/2009

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i did text messaging with my son, it worked fairly well, just short little notes, so he knew i was thinking of him, and i knew he was awake! College is a time for our kids to nurture new friendships and relationships- how many of us met our husbands during the college years-? we really shouldn't be calling them every day!

Helen - posted on 10/09/2009

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ahhh my son has just finished uni........and its so hard ...i had to not ring for a whole week nearly killed me.... buttt he rang one day and said UMMMM MUM JUST RING TO LET U KNOW IAM STILL ALIVE.... lol........he said why havent u rang me all week... i was like ive been busy....aftter that id ring maybe three times a week ....but try ring when he wasnt busy........if he was going out i said please just send a text when u get home safe.........it worked........ they will always be our babies ....even when there 40 ....bless em xxxx

LINDA - posted on 10/07/2009

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I've been there, this is my son 2nd year. I called him sometimes 3 times a day, and like your son he stop answering my call, we talked and I ask him to help me let him grw up to be a man. So what we agreed to is I call him once a week, or for him to call me once a week, then at a certain every night I text him to tell him good nite, I love him and to pray. guess what it works for us. Oh yeal, he calls me more now, because he feels like he's in charge of his life. We must give them space to grow.

Robertine - posted on 10/07/2009

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Hi, Sylvia, I too have a son who is 21 years old. When he left home in '06, it was hard for me to let him go. I wanted to hear his voice everyday. When he didn't call me, it drove me nuts. Everyone would tell me that he was doing fine. That I was worrying too much. They don't want us to call them. This is a sign that they are all grown up and want their own space. They want us to trust them that they are capable to taking care of themselves. They don't want us worrying about them. I even signed up for Facebook to keep up with him. He don't always respond to my email. He has a cell phone and doesn't always respond to my text messages either. When he's ready to talk, he'll call me back. This holds true fof your son too.

Jyothi - posted on 10/01/2009

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hi Sylvia,
My name's Jyothi and i too have a son doing his final year engineering. Through experience i can advice you not to nag him too much and to give him some space. i hope u understand that in this age they need their breathing space and some privacy. instead of being a mother, be a friend and ask him his convinient day to speak on the phone. Try this out....it may work! best of luck. reply if it works......god bless u!

Sylvia - posted on 09/30/2009

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Thank you that is helpful, I never imagined that it would be this hard. I'm sure it's a lot easier on him and that it will get easier for me in time. Thanks for your kind words

Lynn - posted on 09/27/2009

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My daughter always said that i could text her whenever I needed to and that gave her the option to respond when she had time. Talk to him about sending you a text or email on a regular basis just so you know he is safe. He may be more agreeable to that instead of a call. It will get easier with time.

Regina - posted on 09/23/2009

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When my son went off to college, he did the same thing. He didn't want me to call, so I backed off and gave him some space. Some one told me they always come back to mom and they were right. After he got a little older and wiser he started calling me every day, so just hang in there he will come around!!

Ulymar - posted on 09/22/2009

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your son is already in college and they think that they are responsible of themself as an adolescent they have this feeling of freedom,but as a mother we have to explain to them why we have to call and check, if they are alright,in a soft voice to make them feel that we love and care for them,if he doesn't want u to call that much,then try to visit him in school or send him foods or stuff that he like and let him understand,hope this will help ur problem sylvia,i am ulymar from the philippines,thank u and god bless

Sylvia - posted on 09/21/2009

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Thank you, someone else told me that and we are closer than him and his dad. it's so hard because we would talk about everything and now if i want to share something with him he won't answer or even respond to my text messages. But you're right I do need to give him time and space.



Thank you

Alicia - posted on 09/20/2009

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Give him some space... Then when you do call, he will be glad to hear from you and have more to talk about. I think there is always one parent they are more comfortable being honest with. He may not tell his dad NOT to call him, but he just may not have the courage to be honest with him. There is obviously more of a comfort level with you.

[deleted account]

Wow, as close as my son has been at home, now in his independence he texts a few times per week, mostly about money. I can barely get him on the phone once per week. I think that will change ie increase communication after some time away on his own.

Sylvia - posted on 09/18/2009

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My son doesn't have his voice on his voicemail and you know I didn't even think of that. Thank you, I will mention that to him and hopefully that will help us both out. I would only call 2 times a day, I didn't think that was bad...lol



Thank you

Steph - posted on 09/18/2009

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I was having the same problem but my son had not put his own personalized voice message so I told him that if he did not want me calling 6-7 times a day that I just needed to hear his voice and I'm glad to say he did it so now I can hear his voice and he calls me when he gets a chance!!

Sylvia - posted on 09/18/2009

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Thank you for your words, it's hard because My son has always been very independent and closer to me than his dad. They don't talk like we do and I know it's been hard for dad to accept him being away. I've actually taken it a lot better than my ex husband. I understand what your saying and I greatly appreciate it. He has backed away from most of us out here and it's just been harder to accept. I'm so proud of him though.



Again thank you

[deleted account]

He wants to become more independent. His connection with his Dad is a guy thing. He doesn't want to be mothered any longer. This might be his way of telling you he is grown up, but it does not mean he does not love you. Our job as parents is to teach our children to be independent, not dependent. We as mothers have a harder time letting go than they do. Now if this was your daughter, your husband might feel left out of the circle. Let Dad and son bond, he will start calling again if you give him the space.

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