Out of control 22 year old

Janet - posted on 04/06/2010 ( 23 moms have responded )

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I have a 22 year old son whom I and his stepfather are putting through nursing school ( his choice) and he is not doing his part. He is verbally abusive to me when my husband is not around, comes and goes as he pleases. He tells me he hates me and does not show up for family functions. Help, I am in a state of anxiety all the time. janet

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Chris - posted on 04/22/2013

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Besides kicking his adult butt to the street and stopping paying for nursing school...suggest he NOT be a nurse. Anyone man who treats their mother this way should stay away from that service profession.

Cathy - posted on 04/22/2013

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YOU are putting HIM through school. and he is THAT disrespectful????? STOP! Change your locks! Tell him he gets a key when and IF he can obey house rules! If that doesn't interest him, he can put himself through school! Or better yet, join the Military.maybe they can knock some common decency into him! Seriously though, he needs to learn that he is NOT entitled to a place to stay and food to eat (all for free)! You need to get him out of your house. For your own sanity! I have 5 kids, they all have different personalities...I have 1 that thinks the sun and moon rise and set on him. He joined the Army Nat'l Guard and served overseas. Now he is able to put himself through school! It was his choice, but it was a good one for him. PLEASE get your ex to help out if possible. That's his son too!

Janet - posted on 04/12/2010

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A 22 year-old saying that he hates you has some issues, the behaviour sounds very immature. Something else is going on here that has nothing to do with your financial support. By all means set some boundaries but I would also suggest therapy for him or you or all of your family.

[deleted account]

I hate to sound uncaring, but if you are putting this child(?) through nursing school, the very least you should expect in return is respect. If that is not happening, do everyone a favor and cut off the support. You do not owe this child any financial support, nor do you owe him a roof over his head any more. Case closed.

Rita - posted on 04/06/2010

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Dealing with adult children is just as sensitive as any other time so please understand that I am not judging your situation but trying to help. If your son is 22 he is an adult. If he were not your son I doubt you would allow him to treat you this way. As an adult child, consider his relationship more like a friendship. He has to earn your friendship. Get him out of your home. Let him finish school on his own. His manipulative statements of hate do not mean that you have to bow to his demands. Catering to him will not help him to be the man he needs to be to be successful. Good luck with being strong enough to do the right thing for yourself. In the long run it will help him grow up. Studies show that most men treat their wives very similar to the way he treats his mother. Teach him now and save him a divorce or worse later.

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Patricia - posted on 08/28/2013

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i have a 22 year old daughter she has a 3 year old child and she is involved with men .it is affecrting my health what should i do?

Tracy - posted on 04/19/2013

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I had the same sort of situation occuring with my 22 year old. What I found worked was that when he wanted something from me, I would refuse and when he asked why I would calmly inform him that life is a two way street and if he treated me disrespectfully or refused to live by the rules of the house, he could not expect me to do things for him.

You could also calmly in a non confrontational voice inform him that you will not be doing things for him like laundry, cooking food etc until he starts to behave appropriately in your home. Follow through with these descisions as difficult as they may be, they will pay off.

I dealt with initial anger but stuck to my guns and things slowly improved. Also do not go into any explinations and long winded talks that may get out of control, use as few words as possible and calmly walk away.

Watch your tone of voice when you talk to him. I found that because I had built up so much resentment to my son, my tone of voice whenever I talked to him in the normal course of the day was aggressive and he was reacting to this as well. Remember, men can only hear about 5 words at at time before they tune you out and they do not do well with emotional women but logic and calmness normally work. Try not to react in the heat of the moment but wait until you have calmed down to address any current or new issues with him.

The other thing to do is to get your partner to have a calm conversation man to man with him about his attitude and actions and he could infrom him that you would not be doing things for your son until his attitued improves. It is best that you are not part of this but get him to give you feedback.

If all else fails, you will have to take stronger measures like moving him out and stopping payment for his education. If it comes to this, at least you know that you have done everything in your power to make things work.

Good Luck!

Evelyn - posted on 12/18/2012

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By the time they reach the age of 18, most kids think they know the answers to everything on this planet. But they do not. My daughter did not give me this grief that your son has been giving to you. But she has made some choices I was not thrilled with but we discussed it. SHe is having to deal with the consequences as well. THe point is I had to let go at some point and it seems that maybe you should do so too. I know its hard. But in the end it will be hopefully worth it. Maybe once he realizes you are not going to put up with it he will realize the wrongs he did. I have another child to get through high school. So far so good.

Helen - posted on 08/14/2012

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My 20 yr old adopted daughter completely moved out yesterday. She had wanted us to pay for an very expensive apartment and is mad we simply can't. I feel so sad that 17 yrs have gone be since her adoption and she is treating me this way.

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I agree with Janet Ratts...your son probably could benefit from some counseling. Also you might try writing him a letter if you cannot talk to him without him disrespecting you. Tell him that he needs to be more appreciative of your support, otherwise, he can find somewhere else to live. Tough love is appropriate in this situation. He should be past the teenage angst stage already, unless he is suffering from depression, which manifests in irritability at times in men. They feel they can't cry, so they act out and rage at those closest to them.
Also going to school for nursing is stressful...perhaps he is struggling in school. Further investigation is necessary before you act though. Good luck!!

Linda - posted on 04/20/2010

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Janet, I'm sorry it is so hard to love someone that is not nice to you. I was told once that I teach people how to treat me. Since then I have tried and not always successfully to re-train those I love to treat me like I would like to be treated. I also heard that parent and child conflict is a natural thing. It is a way for them to get their independence by pushing us (parents away) so that they can become a whole person with out us. It is suppose to hurt as they pull away. This is by no means an excuse to mis treat us parents. But maybe a nudge out the door to his independence is a good thing for both of you. It will happen sooner or later if he is going to become the responsible adult you want him to be. Love, pray and let him grow up.

[deleted account]

Janet, I hope this help's. Wow at 22, what can really do at this point? As far as the coming and going, He is an adult and should be able to do that. We have to as parent's let them be adult's and not control anymore. I think we've all been backtalked to at one time or another. Maybe he's doing this because he want's his indepencence and treated like a man. Sit down and talk with him about mutual respect and hear what he's feeling. As far as family gathering's, at this age he will have to feel as tho again, it's his decision and not forced. One thing I did is when my were younger I instilled that then, They were never to miss a Bday party, etc. Family first. I can say it worked. My oldest in the coast guard and does his best to get leave anytime there is a graduation, Bday, etc. We have a 13yr old son who still need's his big brother and sister to support him. We also support them. We fly to our son everytime he's doing something coast guard wise, graduation, etc. My daughter 19 still know's she doesn't make any plan's around any of our Bday's. We don't have to remind, they just do it because they alway's have. So he will have to come to back to that on his own since he's an adult now. It's never too late. Just remember to let go of them as kid's and embrace as an adult and you'll see a change. God Bless!!

[deleted account]

He is a very fortunate kid but doesn't know it. No respect? Ha. BTDT. Change the locks on all doors & leave a list of places he could stay ( soup kitchens, missions, Churches etc) he may wake up. He needs a HUGE wake up call- perhaps take away the enabling tool of free rent, tuition etc....????????

Terri - posted on 04/12/2010

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well i have a 24, 22, and a 20 year old i can say yes your son is an adult and you need to let him move on out and become the person he should and remember their (our's too) brain do not finish completely till about 24 or 25 years of age. oh and its super nice to get that call years later out of the blue-" just called mom to say thank's i was a really butt" and you can tell them right back i love you too son.

Anne - posted on 04/12/2010

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It is well past time to make him move out. Also if he can not be respectful to you STOP paying for his college. He most likely DOES NOT so this to his instructors. The very fact he does not do this when your husband is around lets you know he realizes his behavior is deplorable.

Our oldest daughter did some minor rebelling when she was 22 and we stopped paying for her college classes. Looking back not almost 5 years now she is the first to say our stand up to her and following through with our contracted consequences was the best thing we ever did for her. We know have a very loving relationship.

If you do give him one more chance I would but up healthy boundaries and write up a contract that he would have to sign. The second he breaks your contract make him move out!
I also am not trying to be rude or hurtful,however I truly believe that we do no one ay favors when we allow them to act in a disrespectful manner.

Effie - posted on 04/10/2010

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He is a grown man, why do you need to be disrespected? Let him get his own place and he a man. Stop treating like a baby!!! He only do what you allow him to do. Let him pay for his schooling!!!

Cindi - posted on 04/09/2010

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He needs to leave your home emidialty, he does not respect you or anything you do for him. You do not put up with this type of behavior at all. It doesn't matter that he is your son, he should bend over backwards for you and what you do for him. Tell him to pack his bags and get out.

Wendy - posted on 04/08/2010

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I would not pay for his schooling. If you feel you must pay, then let him pay and then reimburse him once he shows that he deserves it. He seems to feel that he is entitled rather than fortunate. I have two daughters. I purchased their books but did not pay for their schooling. We also helped pay for their living expenses such as food and if they needed help here and there with rent, etc.

I feel that this generation has been very spoiled and it is our fault. I know that I wanted to be able to give my children more than I had growing up. I grew up not having much, wore a lot of hand me downs, etc. I worked once I turned 16. I did not want my children working as much as I did and miss out on their teen age life like I did. Both of my kids did have jobs, but they only worked two days a week so they had spending money and did not miss out on their teen life. Many of their friends did not have jobs and had everything handed to them. They did not have to earn a thing,

Anyway, sorry to go on and on about this, good luck to you!!!

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