Struggling with unmotivated daughter

Mary Alice - posted on 06/26/2011

We have four kids who have struggled with motivation in college. We know they are intelligent and they know, too, but they have not achieved up to their ability. Our oldest just graduated, deciding after 4 years of music education to quit that program and receive a degree in fine arts instead. She works at Subway, but is paying her own way now and living independently. Our other 3 children are in college still, with different kinds of grades every semester. We have one son who is back at home after 3 semesters away. He has now gone to community college for a semester and a summer and will be back at a 4 year school in August. Our other 2 have stayed at their schools, but have not kept the GPA required to keep their scholarships. It is incredibly frustrating! You are not alone.

As far as the sexual identity issues, we have had some interesting discussions there, as well. Bottom line, just about anything goes and is acceptable these days and there are websites out there to help our kids define themselves differently than we ever imagined. Again, we can't choose for them. I believe it is human nature that we expect our children to find happiness how we have found it. This is not always the case. No matter how much your daughter has changed, she is still at heart the loveable person you raised. It is my hope that you can see that. I know it can be a struggle.

As far as expectations go for involvement, this has also been a struggle. Our son who had to move home was expected to earn enough money to pay the remaining 7 months on the lease for the apartment he had rented. That is just about over and now he will begin saving for when he can move out again. We have a daughter who came home and has done nothing to find a summer job. I don't know what else to say to her, except she will need an on-campus job when she goes back to school. Please know that you are not alone in any of these areas.

I remember thinking when my kids were little that it would be so much easier when they were older and able to take care of themselves. But it's not easier, it's just different kinds of hard. Letting go and watching them make choices that are unexpected is very difficult.

Katherine - posted on 06/14/2011

Thank you, Jane. Honestly, I think she prefers to be referred to as "he," but I just can't bring myself to do it, so her friends call her by a different (boy's) name, and we still call her Katherine. She says she may legally change her name to a gender-neutral name and has asked me which ones I like. I might be able to handle that eventually.
I am feeling better today, although nothing has really changed except for the talk we had. It is definitely the wildest roller coaster ride I've ever been on, but I bet a lot of parents could say that!
Just wanted to thank you for answering my post. This is the first time I've posted on this site, and it makes me feel so much better to know that someone cares. Guess it's my turn now to try to help someone else. Thanks again.

Jane - posted on 06/13/2011

Eventually you might get your sensitive, caring, ambitious, funny, bright, and engaging child back. We can always hope so. Perhaps once she meets others in her same situation she will start to build relationships and improve her self esteem. It is terrific that she has plans. That is an excellent sign.

I have a friend who went through something similar. She now has tenure teaching online classes at a junior college and is enjoying being an aunt with no intention of ever being a parent. She has made a good life for herself, although there were times we worried.

BTW, what does she prefer to be called? My friend opted for she, but I know others who have made different choices. Also, she knew as young as age 4 that she wasn't typically female. She insisted her name was Joe and that she was a boy. Physically and genetically she is female, although slightly mannish in proportion.

Katherine - posted on 06/13/2011

Jane, thank you so much for your response. You are absolutely right that she needs to grow up. Unfortunately, she has ALWAYS been several years behind her peers in maturity. We even held her back in first grade, which helped for awhile but didn't solve the problem. We always thought her social and emotional development were tied to her physical development, which always lagged WAY behind the other kids. For example, she didn't start her period until she was 18 years old! There may be physical reasons for her gender identity issues, but we may never know. She is receiving counseling, and so am I.

The hardest part is dealing with my disappointment. She was once a very sensitive, caring, ambitious, funny, bright, and engaging child with some social and emotional issues. Now it is hard to even see that side of her, and I get very discouraged.

She was talking tonight about getting a part-time job and transferring to a four-year college within a year, so maybe there is reason to hope, but I know she has a difficult road ahead. I guess what we all hope for our children is "smooth sailing," and obviously that is not going to happen.

Thank you for the job listing sites for trans people. I had no idea that there was such a thing! She is planning to move to a very liberal coastal city, so maybe she will be accepted there. As for jobs in our current location, I don't know. It certainly makes things more difficult.

You are right that we can set limits and expectations, but it is most important to love our children for who they are, even if they don't "turn out" the way we expected.

P.S. I found your reference to "it, he/she" interesting. For most of my life, I felt a vague hostility toward androgynous people because I didn't understand why they couldn't just "pick a gender and stick with it!" The view sure is different now that I'm on the other side of the fence.

Jane - posted on 06/13/2011

Unfortunately, what she needs is to grow up. Give her a deadline and stick to it. Make it long enough that she can finish school if she works at it, then out she goes. This will probably be a few years away, but she should be able to fend for herself by the time she is 22 or so.

You might also discuss with her (it? he/she?) the responsibilities she has towards helping around the house. In college she would have to do her laundry, make sure to eat, get her work done, keep her dorm room neat, and so on. She needs to do at least that much at home. and possibly more. You might even consider a written contract that everyone signs, saying what you will do and what she will do.

Another consideration might be counseling. It could be for you and your husband to figure out how best to cope with her and motivate her, or it could be for your child so she can figure out what she is and where she wants to go with her life. Or the whole family could try counseling. Certainly, you as parents need to vent to someone who will not judge. And your child may be depressed and need medication even.

As for jobs, there are job lisitngs for transgendered people. I did a quick google search for transgender jobs and got a number of responses, including http://www.tjobbank.com/ , http://www.abgender.com/employment.htm , Transgender jobs and others. Possibly once she starts researching jobs it may dawn on her what she wants to do for a living.

Good luck! Our kids carry most of what we taught them within themselves, but they are never clones of us. They have to make their own decisions and their own path in life. All we can do as parents is love them and worry about them (my mother is 85 and she still worries about me).