Mom of 21 yr old drug user and anger problem

Barbra - posted on 07/11/2012

I have a few of those. My oldest boy is through w/ that all now & is working on his Bachelors degree. Tough love but dont stop loving them!! Letting them know you love them--doesnt mean you rescue them-DO NOT do that!! Call Teen Challenge & see if you can get him in there. Two daughters are still struggling w/ it & we are raising their babies.

JulieTx925 - posted on 06/30/2012

Hi, I know what you are going thru. My 20 year old son was arrested this week and thrown in jail for possession, less than 2 oz. I had NO idea he was heavily into smoking pot and dealing to friends. I was at work and got a call from the police that they arrested my son for possession and were taking him to jail.

I'm a single mom with no family - I was at work when my cell phone rang and hearing those words "I'm taking your son to jail"..... my knees buckled. For the next 12 hours I had no idea what happened. I had to wait until he was formally booked into the jail and a bond was posted to see his arrest info.

Prior to this incident - I noticed a big change in my son. Angry, smart alecky, staying out all night, losing weight, hanging with trashy friends, etc. I have been so busy and stressed with my job I didn't heed the red flags I saw with my son.

After breaking into his Facebook and speaking with a couple of his friends - I learned he was pretty heavily into using pot AND buying and distributing it to make a profit. I kept asking him where he was getting money and he said from giving friends rides to and from places.

This week his stint in jail just about killed me. I'm the mom who always said "I'm lucky, he's never wrecked the car or landed in jail". Not anymore.

After having about three major meltdowns, removing his video games and internet from his room, I've left him with his cell phone and the car and gave him a list of rules (typed up on a sheet). I said if any rule is broken, cell phone will be disconnected, car will be sold and he can pack a suitcase and leave. I will randomly drug test him myself every couple of weeks and he must get his hair cut short, find a job within 30 days or he's out on the street.

He can't use the car except to go to and from work, court or grocery store. I am going to place an invisible APP on his phone that will track his every whereabouts (thanks to the segment on 20/20 last night about cheating spouses and an app you can put on their cell that's invisible and tracks a persons movements as well as what they type on their phone). Hope it works.

We've got an attorney who hopefully can get this case dropped because the cop who arrested him never read him any rights or told him what he was being arrested for, etc. Long story but we do have a fairly good case.

I've been destroyed by this - I feel like a fool that he was smoking & dealing right under my nose and lying to me about it. I feel like I've failed as a mom - I always gave him everything and taught him about drugs and the consequences, I feel like now is the time I should be enjoyed MY life because he's 20 and grown - I can't because he's gone in the wrong direction. I'm 49 and have been widowed since he was 2 mos. old. I have no remaining family - they all died. I'm not dating anyone and my friends have their own problems.

I know how you (and any mother dealing with this) feels. Trust me - it's devistating and emotionally taxing.

All I can say is that I am having to use extremely tough love and stick to my word and not give in. It's a full time job monitoring him and lecturing him constantly, spending money I don't have to pay his attorney and try to keep sane so I can function at my full-time job.

Boys at this age are so friggin stupid - I don't get it. You'd think acting like this would be for the teenage years but I think he's worse now at 20 than he ever was during his teens. And when he turns 21 and can drink? Gawd I just see it coming. Nothing but trouble.

It sounds like your son already has a criminal record so he might need to purchase a lawn mower and start cutting yards. My son must get a job immediately no matter if he's scrubbing toilets at McDonald's. He knows he has to bring in a paycheck or he's out on the streets.

Time will tell - I lost all trust in him and until he's producing a paycheck regularly and a clean drug test - I'm his worst nightmare.