when is enough enough

Georgann - posted on 08/03/2010

I'm in a very similar situation. My daughter will be 20 at the end of September. She started having problems in 8th grade (cutting) and started using pot at 14. Things just got worse from there. She was constantly getting into fights and eventually got kicked out of school. A little over a year ago she started using Oxycontin. She went to an outpatient program after detox at the beginning of this year, then an inpatient program out-of-state in April/May. She was doing well at first, going to NA meetings every day, but she's slipping back into her old hablits. She's been caught shoplifting, lost her job (that she was lucky to get back) and now has no car to even get a job. She can't afford all of the fines she has accumlated and I refuse to pay for her mistakes anymore. I really want to kick her out, but my husband is actually the one that is worried something really bad will happen - that she'll end up in a strip club or a street corner. While I would never want to see that happen either, I feel like I have to take care of myself and my other daughter who is almost 15 first. I don't wan't the older one in my house if she is using again also because she stole from us. I am so upset over this and fear that it will eventually break up my husband and I if she doesn't leave. I wish I had an answer for you but I am just as lost :(

Barbara - posted on 06/08/2010

I totally understand where you are coming from. My daughter is 24 years old, two kids and one on the way. She has been using since she was 15 and I have gone through it all. Her running away and me being out all night looking for her. Bringing friends home to my house high or drunk. Me kicking them out. I put her in counseling and on meds for depression but she wouldn't take them right so that didn't help. She was just uncontrollable. I did enable and I see it now but I didn't then. I just thought that I was her mom and I had to try to help her. It took all of my attention, which left none for her younger sister, and I deeply regret this now. I still struggle with her even after she has had children. She is totally clean and happy while pregnant but then after baby comes she gets stressed and goes back to using. The last time was heroin and it was terrible. When she stopped she went on Methadone and that was just as bad, if not worse, trying to come off of. She said that was a huge mistake. I don't know if I can ever completely let her go. I tried this last time, I kicked her and her boyfriend out, but kept her kids. Then she overdosed on purpose and at that time we found out she was pregnant again so I let her come home again. She definitely has no idea the toll this has taken on my life. I live day to day and actually struggle to make it. I hope and pray that she will survive this. If I do not hear from her every day I totally have a panic attack thinking she is dead on the street somewhere. But I am ready to let her go. I cannot live my life like that anymore. My youngest daughter just graduated high school with a 3.9 GPA and is on to college in the fall and I think it's high time I have a life. Sorry to ramble but I just want you to know that enabling someone is easy to do, but not the best thing for them (or you). Take care and I am sending hugs :)

Belinda - posted on 04/25/2010

Hi Tricia, My daughter started using drugs when she was 15 years old. She got pregnant when she was 16. We put her in treatment and she ran away. We put her in again, and she ran away. We let her live with us, and she ran away cause she does not want rules. She is now 25 years old and has 4 children, 8, 6, 5, and 2. I have adopted the 8 year old and the 6 year old has lived with us for 3 years now. The 5 year old is with his father 2000 miles away and the 2 year old is with her father and hour or so away from us. She has none of them. She has been living on the street for the past 4 years. She has begged me to help her and to let her stay with us but as hard as it is I SAY NO, NO WAY. I am helping her. I am raising 2 of her children whome she has not bothered to contact for over 7 months now. One time I was driving in town and saw her sitting on a sidewalk in her pajamas. (she was 20) We stopped and took her into a resturant and bought her food. She begged me for money and I told her NO. But that I would take her to the hosp for treatment if she would like. She said no to that and cried as I drove away, leaving her there on that sidewalk. dirty and in her pajamas. Now there is alot more to that story but thats the just of it. Now Tricia, There is always a time to say enough. I hope to God you will not wait as long as I did. You have to put your foot down. Your 13 year old son must be taught right now that you mean business, and that the behavior his sister is showing WILL NOT be tollerated in your home. I can assure you that he has been exposed to drugs at his age. He is exposed at school, on the bus, with his friends. He needs to have the skills to say to his friends, NO WAY, my mom would have my neck. Your daughter will have you worring the rest of your life. You always will. I worried myself sick, really sick. Hospital sick. I now must concentrate on these two little ones who need me. I truly believe that someday, I will recieve a phone call from the coroner to come and identify my daughters body. She is that far gone. You might try making her take a drug test when she comes home. Everytime she comes home for a while. If it is positive, open the door and simply and calmly say to her. Please come home when you are straight, you are not allowed to be in my home high. I drug tested my daughters little brother for a while just to make sure he was not using also. He always tested clean. I know he would not dare try coming to my home high because I will no longer put up with it. I pray for you because I know how hard it is going to be for you. You have to do it though. You just have to. It may save her life. I hope she stops once she realized you will no longer allow it. Good luck to you.

Belinda Brown

Linae - posted on 04/23/2010

First of all, I want to say that kicking your daughter out is going to be the hardest thing you have ever done in your life.



Looooong story short, my daughter was grounded for the last 1/2 of her senior year in high school due to drugs and shoplifting. Then a few years later we finally had to kick her out for doing drugs in our house and generally whatever she wanted with whomever she wanted.



Right after we had her move out (she had already moved out herself and then had to come back), we found out she was pregnant. She stayed at 3 different friends' houses until we finally let her back home the day after she delivered our gorgeous grandson who is now 2. Also the father has not been in the picture since the baby was 9 months. And I had to go through this without being home alot since I am a long haul truck driver. Knowing she was pregnant and not sure of where she was going to be was very, very hard but now, she has finally gotten her life together and is raising her son by herself, working part time AND going through school to be a dental assistant all while living at my house.



You need to do the right thing for your son. He needs to see that there are ENFORCED consequences for your daughter's actions. Lay down the ground rules with your daughter and then follow through. Trust me, she WILL find someone's couch to sleep on unless she has absolutely no friends at all. Yes, you will worry. Boy, will you worry....it's a mom thing....you are not alone!! I don't know if you are a Christian (I am) but I knew I had to remember that God was in control and just give the worry over to Him....doesn't mean I don't still worry though. Your daughter also needs to know that the rules count and if she cannot follow them, she needs to find another place to live where she can't influence your son. If she comes to the table smelling of pot, refuse to let her stay at the table. Don't accept "sorry" and let it go. Also, go through her room and find what drugs you can and flush them. Go through her purse. Go through her clothes...this is what I did and like I told my daughter...if she is going to live in my house and use my car, she will follow my rules or else. My house is mine...every room is mine which means I have the right to go through each one to find contraband and get rid of it no matter who's it is and if whosever it is doesn't like it then they can find somewhere else to live.



I hope I have helped some at least. Find adults that you know and trust that can give you the emotional support that you will need. Knowing you have friends that are their for you will be very important in order for you to stay consistent with what you need to do. It will be really easy for you to accept her apologies and let her back but she needs to be able to prove to you that she is changing her life before you should let that happen.



Good luck and remember that one day she WILL thank you for your tough love and support.