How do I get my 8 year old daughter to listen?

Alyce - posted on 03/05/2009 ( 15 moms have responded )

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I AM AT MY WITS END!!!!! HELP!! Her pediatrician seems to think her lack of focus concentration and defience could be hormonal since she is developing so quickly. She'll be 9 in May so I guess this is what they call preteen? Don't get me wrong she is a sweet loving child who will have you in stitches but she can be very stubborn and has a short fuse. She is not distructive but you can see the color change in her face when she is really upset. I've been praying for guidance.....any ideas or advise?

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Felisha - posted on 04/09/2009

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Alyce, when you find out let me know. My daughter is 7 & is a very smart (academically) girl. Her teacher tells me how much more mature she is than the other students. I think this has alot to do with her problem. She's so intelligent that she thinks she's older than what she is & at times I don't think she means to have a smart mouth but it comes out that way. She thinks she know everything. But I'm old school and like my momma, I put her back in her place real quick!!

Tanith - posted on 03/05/2009

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Keep your cool. Dont let her see you annoyed when she doesnt listen - (I know - very hard but it works). If you want her to do something - like eg make her bed and you tell her, you cant say it from a distance. Go up to her, get down so you are at her eye level and ask her to clean her room. If she does not (which she probably wont) dont get upset, count to 5 slowly and then ask her again. If she still ignores you, or says no, then take her hand and lead her to a spot in the house, tell her on the way that because she did not listen she has to go to the quiet spot. She can come out of it when she has been quiet for 4 minutes. Then walk away. Do not listen to her if she cries/argues or anything. Pretend she is not there. (you will be suprised to see she will probably stay there.) If she doesnt stay take her back and close the door so she cant get out and start the clock again. When the four minute are up, tell her she can come out and dont mention the incident again. Pretend nothings happened and be extra nice. She will learn quickly to do as she is told as she will see the consequences. THis method is amazing - I did not believe my child would stay there or that it would work, but after the first time (which was really hard as she ended up screaming for about half an hour) but I ignored her and 4 minutes only started when she was quiet(otherwise they think screaming gets them out of it). She does what she is told almost all the time now - its great. The only other thing to remember is never threaten that if they dont do it they go to the quiet spot - otherwise she will only react when threatened. Always ask twice and then head straight into the consequence. She will learn real quick :-)

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I have twin 8 year old girls. The one does what is asked of her without much complaining. The other, well she likes to whine! It has been getting better. She would throw tantrums like a toddler. First off, I'm their step-mom, getting her to listen to me has been difficult at best. Now that their dad and I are on the same page things go better. We give her two choices: 1- you can do as your asked and get your chore money or 2 - I can do it for you or your sister can. If I do it for you I get to take money from your piggy bank. If your sister does it she gets your money. That seems to do the trick. When she gets really mouthy we send her to time out, in our room. Where there are no fun things to do or get into.

Tanya - posted on 04/14/2009

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I agree with all the suggestions of the other moms. I have a 9 year old. She gets in her lovely moods and whatever method you take I think that it is important that she knows she is being disrespectful. You are the parent and I don't think that punishing and then ignoring the behavior is a good Idea. I feel that all children when they disobay should know you are unhappy with them and they should appolagize for there behavior. It is a matter of respect. I know that 9 years old is not easy, Make sure to praise her when she is behaving and doing great things and the hard times will become less. Another idea is to make a special date for just you and her to go do something fun, every week or two. A little extra attention never hurt anyone. Good Luck

Lakita - posted on 04/11/2009

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I have an 8 yr old step daughter and I understand. It seems she has a lot of bottled up stress. Try to find something she likes to do that's age appropriate and see if that works.If not start taking things she like away. no telephones, no cable, no outside playing. As means of punishment make it educational.If bedtime is 9pm you can make her go to bed earlier. Don't worry about her not liking you. In the long run it'll pay off.Good luck

This isnt to offend you or anyone else reading it. Sometimes as parents we have to give "tough love".

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Philip R Maag - posted on 03/21/2014

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I'm a single father with nearly identical situation my daughter is 8 1/2 and basically you said it all!! I'm also a full time student and am trying to keep our awesome father daughter relationship together through this stage just like the other but this seems to be so much more intense than all before. I am studying children in the age range and adolescence at college for my degree (I'm on track for coaching/teaching). I'll admit some of the information is scary but it seems to be to um I guess standardized. All in all I know the only way to get actual good views or ideas/experience is from other parents but unfortunately don't have any friends with kids to ask. So if you have acquired any yourself and wouldn't mind to pass them on I'd be so grateful!! Thank you very much! Good luck and God Bless!!!

Jessthestylist - posted on 08/22/2013

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Do you ask her again to clean her room after she comes out of the quiet place ?

Caeli Jade - posted on 05/18/2013

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My daughter dose not tidy her room she is crazy she makes boys cry and she never get full marks on spelling,times,reading or school work.

Lulu - posted on 07/09/2011

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Yep my 8 yrold drives me up the wall, I dont want to bribe, I she gets violent if I put her somewhere and she doea not listen unless her stepdad tells her to do it or I repeatidly add my shrill yells and she gives.in, idoubt it has to dowith add or something how do I find out

Amanda - posted on 04/29/2009

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when you find out the answer please let me know. my daughter is just the same and she is driving me mad. but i still love her to bits.

Megan - posted on 04/29/2009

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what is her astrology sign i think that has a alot to do with temperment..

Leslie - posted on 03/18/2009

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My daughter is ADHD and that is a lot of her problem. She is 8 and a Tween which still scares me to death. I find that while I get so mad I keep my voice calm and I try to keep my voice quiet and just keep repeating the instructions until she follows them. While I feel like a broken record it usually works. So does the corner for my child. She hates having to put her nose against the wall or corner. It seems the only thing I can do for her.

Amy - posted on 03/16/2009

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I am in the very same boat as you are. My daughter will be 9 in June. She has always been a very emotional girl but in the last year the emotions have been on max. There are chores I have for her to do she is constantly blowing off. I am just taking my victories in small doses when she does do what is suppose to. I find when she gets in one of her moods and is upset I just leave her and let her deal with it and come back to me when she is ready. I have tried yelling and it just is useless. She seems to be developing early for her age also so I just keep trying to remember when I was her age and that helps me. I also keep hoping that the tween years being rough means the teen years won't but I think that is wishful thinking.

Lisa - posted on 03/11/2009

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I agree with Jessica...my 8 soon to be 9 year old was acting out alot and crying and it turned out it was simply because her meds were making her stay up at night....we found something that helped her sleep and she is a completely different child!

Jessica - posted on 03/11/2009

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You can take this with a grain of salt...  my oldest is 3.  But, in addition to the previous poster's suggestions, make sure she is getting enough sleep!  The lack of concentration, defiance, and short fuse thing is a normal characteristic of being constantly tired.  (I know I get that way.)  And, I don't know about your pediatrician, but ours never thinks to ask about sleep habits as part of her check-ups.  I hope this gets better for you!

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