spanking

Nikol - posted on 08/24/2010 ( 21 moms have responded )

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first let me explain that I do know the difference between spanking and beating having been a victim of the latter during my childhood on many occasions. I define spanking as no more than four swats on the behind only. Whether it be a hand or a wooden spoon, neither should be used with enough force to leave a mark of any kind or move the child from a free standing position. That being said I NEVER spank angry and ALWAYS enlist any other possible way of getting the point accross before resorting to a spanking. First being a talk with my child about her behavior. Second being extra chores in addition to the talk. Third being grounding in addition to the first two. Fourth is the spanking but in absence of the chores and grounding but in concert with a much longer talk so that they fully understand the purpose of the spanking.

It had been YEARS since I had spanked my girls until just recently. They had been testing the limits in our household alot lately and being very very ugly towards each other on a regular basis. I knew there were underlying issues causing this so I have been very patient and there have been alot of talks to try and sort it out. Then came the chores and groundings to no avail.
So I sat them down and talked to them about thier behavior and explained to them that not only had thier attitudes towards each other gotten to be unhealthy but they had gone too far when they extended that disrespect to the adults and other people within the extended family as well.
So they got thier swats and they teared up. Then we all discussed the situation again and again. They have been on thier best behavior for the last two weeks. They ofcourse have thier disagreements and all but no more viscous attacks on each other. The eye rolls and whatevers have diminished greatly. So all is good, right? NOT!

There are people within the extended family that are not only questioning my parenting style and disciplinary methods but are also making ugly remarks. One person went as far as to say that I would reep what I sowed and one day my children would pay me back for my abuse. (This person by the way is the mother of the cousin I mentioned in an earlier conversation. The child who visciously verbally attacks my youngest and is extremely disrespectful to all of the adults within the extended family as well as towards her mother. She also throws screaming tantrums when told no or if something within her life does not go the way she wanted.) I managed to just simply say that I will reep the respect that I have given to my children and they know that I love them and expect them to behave according to society's rules. However the rudeness is eating at my soul and I am having a really hard time getting past the judgments on me by not only this woman but at least one other person within the family. I am still praying about it and will continue to do so. I would very much like more oppinions and views on this matter though. Good or bad. Thank you.

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Jennifer - posted on 09/19/2010

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When your children are adults they will thank you for spanking them and requiring respect from them. People say that isn;t going to happen but I am so grateful to my parents for whupping my butt when I was naughty and for making sure I was respectful. I think society is suffering from the lack of spanking to my way of thinking. I am not perfect but I am a good strong woman and if my parents hadn't wanted me to be the best I could be a whiny, excuse making, lazy, excuse for a person. Oh and yes, I have thanked my parents for disciplining me.

Michelle - posted on 08/10/2011

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Personally, I do not think spanking is an acceptable form of discipline. I think many parents believe that the most important aspect of parenting is getting a child to listen, behave, or do what you want them to. Spanking is often done because we love our children, want and want them to grow up to be good people, but I believe many parents often lose sight of what the real goal is: raising a happy, healthy person. People who are emotionally healthy and happy are naturally kind, caring people who contribute much to society. Just because you've tried everything else, and then you spank and it seems to "work", I don't think it is really working. It may stop the bad behavior because the child is scared to get spanked again, but it does nothing for whatever underlying problem is causing the behavior. It just teaches that hitting is an acceptable way of getting people to do what you want them to.

Stefanie - posted on 11/21/2010

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I advise you to read this:
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T062100...

A family does not have to punish to have well behaved children. Punishment and discipline are VERY different things. Spanking is NOT discipline, it's punishment. I discipline my children, but never punish them. Are they sassy at times? Sure. And so am I! Does that mean my husband should hit me? No, never.

Selia - posted on 08/27/2010

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CPS doesn't consider this abuse, and although I don't plan on spanking, I wouldn't consider what you are doing abusive in any way either, based on how you defined it. If you want more non-spanking ideas, I really liked the book "Raising a Daughter" by Elium and Elium. My mom only spanked my sis and I once, and didn't do it hard enough to hurt at all, and we even laughed after she left the room because she did it so lightly, but because it was a very last resort we did realize she was serious and at her wits end, and we tried to behave better after that out of respect.

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Nioka - posted on 08/04/2012

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I also 'spank' my child as a last resort, and explain why she has received the spank. It is not a hard spank, but it does get her attention and she listens. I refuse to have my child walk over me and her father, and it is certainly acceptable in some cases. I know that there are the 'super' parents out there that are and will be offended at learning that there are some parents that 'spank'. To this I say- I am my daughters mother. It is my job to raise her up to be the best person she can be. If what I do offends you, don't look. I respect your decision to not spank, respect mine to discipline my child. And I must add this, even after I spank her, it's still me she wants.

Angela - posted on 08/31/2011

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I completely agree with Jennifer Grimm. I very much believe that if more people werent afriad of using spanking as dicipline that children would be much better behaved. Im apalled at the things I see kids getting away with sometimes. They are lazy and disrespectful and the parents let them get away with it. I absolutely spank my son. It isnt my first choice by any means though. Example he started school Monday of last week and the first 2 days he was wonderful but every day since then he has had his card flipped to yellow. The first day we had long talks about controlling his behavior and being have in class. The second and third day he lost his t.v. privlages and we talked some more. Today he was "grounded" to his bed to think about what he had done. Tomorrow he will get a spanking if he comes home in trouble again. I wont have him being a trouble maker in class. Its unfair for the other kids trying to learn to have to deal with my kid misbehaving! He understand the choices he is making are getting him in trouble but he continues to do it so for that yes he will get a spanking if he comes home in trouble. He also knows what will happen if he comes home in trouble again. So yes I do believe in spanking and no I dont think its abuse. Some kids dont need to be spanked I have a friend I grew up with she NEVER got a spanking BUT she never needed one. Me on the other hand lol NEEDED them and when I did I got them. I wasnt abused I love my parents they did the best thing for me and now I am doing the best thing for my child.

Candice - posted on 08/30/2011

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Stephanie,

I believe that you should have read everything. Just because you dont spank does not make spanking wrong. I spank my children also as a last resort.

I will not have disrespectful children. They know what acceptable behavior is. You have no right to talk to anyone the way you have. I am going to have to guess as you have that your children mind you out of fear.

Just my opinion.

Alison - posted on 08/26/2011

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I read the Dr. Sears' link someone posted. Basically, if you spank occasionally with your hand in an otherwise very nurturing and loving home, it's not likely to be a huge problem. There are still drawbacks. One is the high chance of spanking escalating into frequent spanking, spanking with an implement, beating the child. There's also the problem of children resenting you, especially older ones who will remember it clearly, and of sending the message that it's ok to hit others. It's a good link worth reading. I didn't really do it justice, but it's a start. :O) Good luck.

Brandy - posted on 08/13/2011

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maybe if you felt that your parents were spanking out of anger is because they were, everyone is different my mother only spanked me if i did something that put me in danger or if i hurt another child, i also stood in the corner was sat on the couch had things taken away and sent to my room, none of it ever hurt not even the spanking, but it did make me cry because i upset my mother and i very much wanted to please her, but i knew she loved me because she always explained afterward. that did teach me, not through fear but a level of severity of what i was doing wrong, and if i was spanked it got my attention and let me know this is one of those things that is NEVER ok. but i do believe that if you spank your kids all the time for everything not only is it unnessisary but it doesnt help, much like yelling at a child. i dont see this situation as someone abusing their kids, she exhausted every other form that she knew of communicating with her kids and because she is their mother she knew what would get their attention, they are not hurt but they are listening and to me there is nothing wrong with that

Jenn - posted on 04/04/2011

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I have never been glad that my parents spanked me! I always felt they did so out of anger and that it made them feel better. All it taught me was to pray they didn't find out if I messed up because I knew that I wouldn't be listened to and my butt was about to see the "Bad Is Sad" side of the paddle.

I think spanking depends on the parent AND the child. I have never felt right spanking my children and so I don't do it. They don't need it either. Time-outs, privileges taken away and even talking/listening works for my girls.

Now, my brother? He needed his butt spanked! :) j/k

Katherine - posted on 02/04/2011

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Spanking is to a form of discipline. call your local cps office and educate yourself. Go to your local sheriff office and educate yourself. Go to your childs school and educate yourself.
Punishment is completely different then discipling your child for their bad behavior. Discipling is suppose to help teach your child to understand what they did and learn from it.
Punishment is a cruel way of being mean to your child for no good reason.
and parents who choose not to spank still have other means of discipling thier child, time outs, being sent to the their rooms,or being talked to. either way parents who do or dont spank still have thier own way of teaching thier kids right from wrong.

Katherine - posted on 02/04/2011

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you are not abusing your child. You cant have your chilren walking all over you. And depending what state/country you live in all laws aer different to how you can discipline your child. Only you will know what does and doesnt work on your child. Here in Nevada its open hand only on the butt with clothing on.
In our home home we normally send them to timeout, but my 4 yr old gets the spankings in our home. It is rare mybe once a week.
I believe in spankings my parents did it my husbands parents did it.

thank goodness everyone is entitled thier own opinions and has the right to do what they feel is right.

Brianna - posted on 02/03/2011

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I've been involved with a ridiculous debate in another group for the past few days about spanking. I was attacked for disagreeing with it, to the point where I was being told my kids would grow up to be disrespectful wastes of human beings because I don't spank them. =/

That being said, you're not abusing your kids. The only thing I disagree with, like someone else said, is the wooden spoon thing. I think CPS says open hand only, or something of that nature.

Either way, we all raise our children differently. It is our job to do what we feel is best for our children in teaching them how to be decent human beings. You choose to spank, with plenty of alternatives and explanations, which is totally fine if that's what YOU feel is right for YOUR children. The judgmental people you've noted are wrong in their judgments, and good for you for not spitting something back about their own children's behavior. Take it with a grain of salt, and know that it is your call. =]

Jennifer - posted on 12/13/2010

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Whole new subject but Stephanie, yeah i think sometimes women ask to be hit by men. Not always but I've seen alot of women and been thinking "Oh my goodness just slap her!" Just saying.

Nikol - posted on 12/13/2010

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Stephanie, I respect your oppinion but I do think that you should have finished reading the whole thing because you did not seem to understand any of my view and quite honestly I DID give you that much respect and I read ALL of your 'oppinion'. I could definetly agree with you if someone were spanking with that amount of force but as I said before I never spank out of anger and it is only used as an absolute LAST resort when all other deterrents have been exausted. Maybe you should get all of the information before judging people so rudely. Thank you for your oppinion.

Stefanie - posted on 11/21/2010

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I stopped reading before I finished the first paragraph. My reasons why:
1) Using a "wooden spoon" IS abuse. According to the state you are only allowed to use your hand. You can break the child's tailbone with a wooden spoon!

2) You are a victim of abuse. Just as children of alcoholics are prone to become alcoholics themselves and should take precautions the same is true for victims of child abuse. I think you should stay away from spanking as you are more likely than a non-victim to abuse your child due to your past. My family does not spank, ever, for this very reason. Break the cycle. In my opinion, you do NOT know the difference between spanking and abuse and should never lay a hand on your child in the name of "discipline". (Just my opinion)

3) It's totally unnecessary, damaging, counterproductive and disrespectful.

4) You did not mention the ages of your children but by your diction I would assume they are past elementary school age (10 or over) and that is too old to spank, in my opinion.

Brandy - posted on 10/13/2010

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personaly i do believe some children do need to be spanked and sometimes i wish i could spank them myself lol, however i dont believe in using objects even a wooden spoon seems unnecissary but thats just my opinion. anyway i think your cousin is over the line, there are just some things you dont do and telling someone they are raising their kids wrong is a big one! since she doesnt know how to be respectful to you maybe you should simply tell her if she wants to raise her kids to be disrespectful little brats thats her business but these are your kids and you will raise them however you want and that maybe she should mind her own business.

Dawn - posted on 09/29/2010

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Nikol, it sounds like you've been through a lot, and you definitely have your head on straight and are teaching your girls well. One of the things we have to do as parents is limit outside influences that are harmful to our children. If that means limiting time with a family member who may be a bad influence, then sobeit. In response to your question about how to deal with your own feelings regarding the ugly remarks from family about your parenting, you have to ask yourself a very important question: "Did I do anything wrong?" If the answer is no, be at peace with yourself and your decision to spank. I think you said the right thing to the cousin's mother. If it were me, I would probably not have been so diplomatic.

Nikol - posted on 08/28/2010

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Eileen I took the cousin away for VBS with us for a week and she was dare I say almost perfectly behaved! However as soon as we came into the city limits of home she started acting like a brat towards my girls again. I am not really all that patient though. I do however try to keep the presence of mind to remove myself from the situation if I get angry. I know how badly a spanking can turn if it is done out of anger. If I can avoid spanking all together and still solve the issue at hand then all is good. My biggest peave though is parenting without discipline of some kind is just pure laziness!

Nikol - posted on 08/28/2010

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Thank you Selia I will look up that book for sure. I don't spank very often at all. I use it only as a last resort. Ususually the problem behavior has been resolved before I ever have to resort to it anyway. My girls are well aware that if it has come to that I have run out of options and they do try thier best to behave out of respect as well for the most part.

Eileen - posted on 08/28/2010

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I don't think I would be spending too much time around the cousin. I spank my kids (as you do, and within reason) and I try very hard not to do it in public. We do leave stores (carried kicking and screaming) and I'll go to the restroom or to the car to do it.

Let the person to criticize deal with the kids, and they would probably end up with the same answer. Or maybe her kids could do with a day or two of you!!

It works for some kids, and not so much for others. Psychology tells us that it doesn't work. It's in all my textbooks. I still do it, and it seems to work for my kids. You actually seem more patient than I.

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