stares

J M - posted on 01/10/2013

Agree with Amber, have a giggle and laugh it off...

Often its in the first couple yrs you maybe more sensitive, as only been a short while, and no one wants or needs" intrusive interrogations" as its taken a lot of that to get to be able to adopt in the first place!

But over time.... if even into a conversation with some, and only if you feel" not pressured and comfortable if one is open and not get all hung up ... its something to be proud of.

While we acknowledge was a adoption that had to take place for us to be a family,we are past the adoption word it self, "we are simply a family", thus ready for all and any QS to choice wether to respond to or not.

Have fun stare back and give a quick smile! this often is more enough to turn them away.

Only the foolish would ever try and make a insensitive and or rude comment to us.Most if not all, are worth ignoring as well.

J M - posted on 12/22/2012

With out diversity life would be boring!


While looking different is not a invitation for strangers to ask personal qs....

Yes I have had some nosey people in the past. For some its Human nature to stare and they cannot help themselves, however to go on and ask any blunt person qs, is simply very rude and just ignorance not to not show wisdom and sensitivity and respect for any family.

I don't care about if people stare, simply we are as proud and happy as any family. who wants the responsibility and privilege of having Children.

You have to get thick skinned as to say, as no matter how a family comes together, unless you share with close friends, really non of others / strangers business, unless you give a reply to all the personal qs or remarks.

Been a advocate, I wondered about that, but first we are a family first, Enjoy your family.

Darcy - posted on 10/16/2009

When we first brought our 6 1/2 mo old home from Guatemala we would get stopped in the stores and asked "where did you get her from". It used to annoy me but most people are just curious especially about adoption. I never paid much attention before we brought her home but after, I would notice all the other adoptive families and go up and strike up a conversation.

Sally - posted on 07/15/2009

Quoting Rae:

I either don't notice it or I don't care.  My son is so very handsome and I love him so much I never feel like we are a miss match so to speak.  The way I look at it is I needed a child and he needed parents, so let them stare.  Some people tell me they feel sorry for me because I don't have "my own child"  so possible this is why people stare???  Wondering why we couldn't or didn't choose to have children,  My little is mine - I'm the only mommy he has had.

I know I just posted a very long reply to this thread, but something in this response caught my eye.  I can honestly say that there was only one time when I got a rude remark about my son.  As I said, we were active in the Orthodox and Conservative Jewish community in St.Louis.  When we were waiting for my son to arrive, we were members of an Orthodox congregation.  Most of the members were seniors...we were one of the youngest couples and we were near 40.  The congregation all knew about our adoption plans and were very supportive of us while we waited what seemed an eternity.  The first time I took my son to services after he arrived home, an older man came up to me after services and said, "What you have done is so wonderful.  G-d will reward you with a child of your own."  I simply smiled sweetly and, looking at my son replied, "He already has."  I know the man thought he was complimenting me and he would not have deliberately said anything to offend.  The man got the message, blushed, and that was the end of it.

Sally - posted on 07/15/2009

My son came to us from India...he is now 25 yrs old and in the Army. We got the stares, but at some point, we all stopped noticing them. When my son was younger, we were very involved in the Jewish Community (Orthodox and Conservative) in St.Louis, MO. My son is VERY dark skinned so there was no doubt that he was adopted. However, that community itself was very close knit. He was accepted from the time he arrived in our home. (He came home when he was about 14 mos old) One of the unexpected things is that my son and his best friend (they were in school together from about age 10 on) look very much alike except for the skin color. When they would go on trips with the youth group they were always asked if they were brothers. My husband and I split up when our son was entering high school. We had a very amicable divorce...far better than the average. Once my son graduated from high school and went into the Army, I moved from St.Louis and now live in AL. I mention this because my son is my tie to St.Louis now. I arranged airline tickets for his upcoming leave this fall, using a travel agent in St.Louis. This agent is THE travel agent for the majority of the St.Louis Jewish community. His daughter went to school with my son. When I called him, he didn't remember me that well but knew I was "Vadi's Mom". It is so great to hear people you have lost touch with compliment you on your child and speak of him as tho he is family.

Tracey - posted on 07/09/2009

My girls are adopted from India.... We never had any problems, a few are they yours? Depending on how I felt that day, sometimes I wanted to say No, we just found them... I am really surprised we have not had more problems, living In Alabama......

Cindy - posted on 06/09/2009

My daugher is 8 years old, adoped from South Korea as an infant. There were lots of looking at first, mostly due to curiousity. Now either people are staring, or I don't notice. She's a blessing to our family, so it doesn't really matter!

Tricia - posted on 05/10/2009

Yes we adopted 5 years ago James is from Png and my other children white as am i!

You are not paranoid ,i get it in Png and Australia just don't get too annoyed....i hate the fact that complete strangers ask very personel questions "all the time"

Rae - posted on 03/11/2009

I either don't notice it or I don't care.  My son is so very handsome and I love him so much I never feel like we are a miss match so to speak.  The way I look at it is I needed a child and he needed parents, so let them stare.  Some people tell me they feel sorry for me because I don't have "my own child"  so possible this is why people stare???  Wondering why we couldn't or didn't choose to have children,  My little is mine - I'm the only mommy he has had.

Jean - posted on 02/19/2009

We have a daughter from Africa and live in Northern MN. We are always stared at and I honestly don't even notice it anymore. Most people smile and my daughter is super friendly and just smiles right back.

Jennifer - posted on 02/11/2009

The attention we received in China was constant as my husband has blond hair, hazel eyes and my daughter has brown hair and hazel eyes. Everyone was more vocal with their questions and acknowledgement there as we were asked for numerours photo opts and my daughters cheeks were touched more than they ever been at home so we were glad to come home and mold back into the crowd. We adopted a special needs little boy born missing his left forearm so that gets us a little extra attention, especially in the summer. I try to seize the opportunity to tell kids and adults we are so blessed that he was made this way and that he is your ordinary energetic, healthy and opiniated 2 year old. Sometimes its fun to joke with people that we had to go half way around the world to get a child with my black hair and brown eyes! Try to enjoy some of the attention as you have done something extroardinary:)

Melissa - posted on 02/10/2009

i noticed being stared at when we first came home from China... but not as much anymore. i'm probably paying more attention to my daughter now, though, and not worrying about it as much. i know it can be kind of stressful sometimes...

Nancy - posted on 02/09/2009

Hi. My daughter is 11 years old. We adopted her from Mexico when she was 6 months. She is gorgeous with her thick dark hair and beautiful skin. Several years later we were blessed with two biological boys........both very fair and blue-eyed like us. They are now 8 and 5.  People do often stare, but we now know that it is out of admiration more than anything else. We are very often told what a beautiful family we have. I know lots of older people who were not able to have children and never considered adoption have mentioned that they wish it would have been a more popular choice when they were at the age to have children. Try not to be offended by it and just know someone is noticing your beautiful family.

Kathleen - posted on 02/05/2009

Not only do we get stares, but people just come right up to me or my husband as ask us point blank where Olivia is from, or if I'm alone with her the question is usually, "Where is your husband from?"  I try not to get annoyed.  I know they either are unaware of the intrusive nature of the questions or they are just too ignorant to care.  So, either way, I try to be nice.  I think of it as an oppotunity to be an advocate for adoption.  They probably only hear the bad news about it on TV, so this is a chance to say something great about our kids and our families.

Kathleen

Mom to Olivia-home from China in August '08

Janna Kay - posted on 01/31/2009

Here in South Africa, they don't just stare...they come up and ask what is going on! My son is black and we are white (and Americans on top of that). I've had several occasions where black South Africans will come up to me and say, "He is black. You are white. Why?" They can tell he is not mixed. When I answer that we adopted him, the reactions are always positive. I even had two older black ladies come up to me and just give me the biggest hug, saying "God bless you. God bless you."
I guess being able to talk with people is much better than just being stared at!
Sometimes when all we get is stares, I just stare back...and smile!

Sara - posted on 01/24/2009

I don't notice many stares here but when we travel down south, the stares and outright comments (usually from kids) get more frequent. On our last trip to SC one child actually came up to us at the pool and demanded, "Is he adopted? He must be because he is brown and you aren't!!!" My son is Korean and does get quite tan in the summer! We just explained that yes, he is adopted and the kid seemed satisfied. I don't mind most questions that we get depending on how they're phrased. "Is he adopted?" gets a polite smile and a little explanation. "Is he yours?" gets a not as polite smile and usually a curt "Yes!"

Leslie - posted on 01/19/2009

Of course.  I don't think you are paranoid at all.  Our son is Vietnamese - we actaully got tons of stares while we were in country - but it continues back here in the US. 

Heather - posted on 01/14/2009

Well, I'd say that you are getting stared at and you'll continue to get stared at. I look at it as an opportunity to show people how love has little to do with blood.
My Little Guy is extremely cute, and totally blind, so he's the cutest smallest person people have ever seen using a cane, as he's barely 4 now. We get people walking sideways staring. I just do my best, make sure he's dressed well, looks clean and is polite and keep walking. Sometimes I'll strike up a conversation with them just to do a little PR work for either Blindness or adoption.
Heather BT

Lori - posted on 01/14/2009

my husband and i are very caucasian and our daughter is very asian indian...most people just say what a beautiful girl she is, most of the stares and questions are from children

Caroline - posted on 01/12/2009

I get stares more than my husband. He is Hispanic but looks more Italian and I was born in Europe with fair skin, blue eyes while our daughter has a beautiful dark olive skin, dark brown eyes and hair. I also will stare and smile when I see parents in our situation with children that differ from them in looks. I feel a connection with them thinking that they are also adopted. I've also been approached by other adoptive parents who have international adopted children.

Gina - posted on 01/03/2009

My husband gets a lot more stares than I do. Not so much anymore. Our oldest is very Mayan and my husband is very German. They are completely opposite in looks, but so much alike, it's amazing. There would be times we were out as a family and we'd get stares, but truthfully found them amusing.

Terri - posted on 12/15/2008

We use to get double takes when our children were still speaking Russian. Some were nice ones and others were not so nice.(for whatever reason they choose to stare, it is something that is human nature) I stare sometimes because I can relate to the adoption thing and I am glad that they chose to do it.

Jessica - posted on 11/20/2008

I will admit, I do some double takes as we are in process and I want to know....'are they adopted?'..'how was their process' etc. We are just preparing ourselves for some of the dandy comments I am sure we will get when our son is home.

Amber - posted on 11/19/2008

we often get double takes when walking down the road. We live in a small community and many are just curious...my husband and I just laugh it off...