I need help with my son's obsession

Margaret - posted on 08/09/2011

Not much time to reply, but I can hear my son't therapist saying this in my head right now....."Set limits on the time he is able to spend with his obsession. Tell him he can pick 3 10-minute periods during the day ( or whatever you decide on, thats just an example) to think about and talk about his obsession all he wants. These 10 minutes, however, cannot and will not be at school. That is a RULE. If he breaks the rule, there will be this (insert specific consequence here) and if he follows the rule for 3 days, give a little reward, and then a week, 2 weeks, and so on. Make a visual chart with stars so he can see his progress toward the reward. My guess is he doesn't hate school, he just hates that he can't talk about his obsession there. At least he knows that. Indulging in their obsessions lessens their anxiety, so the more you hear about the obsession, think of it as an outward symptom of the anxiety inside. To talk about the obsession comforts him, no matter how bizarre or inappropriate it may be. Talk to his doctor (hopefully a developmental pediatrician) about OCD meds like Zoloft, etc. It is hard and I wish you the best of luck. Hang in there!

Christina - posted on 05/14/2009

My son is 4 and was diagnosed with as at the age of 3. He has a wonderful teacher that adores him and somehow knows how to distract him from his obsessions. His obsessions have never been a problem at school because his teacher is so awesome. He is ahead of his class in many areas. Since he has been in school he has progressed in leaps and bounds. He is even started mingling with other children (still a little awkward, but he does try) Maybe he just needs the right person to help him. I wish I could loan you Miss Hamilton.

Anne - posted on 03/27/2009

Sorry for all the typos - It's 6:30am and I haven't finished my first cup of coffee!

Anne - posted on 03/27/2009

As parents we are overwhelmed with decisions that need to be made with no time to really think them through and these decisions do affect our lives and the lives of our whole family. Home-schooling, working it out in the public schools, private schools; whatever decision we make it is a give and take and no decision will ever be perfect.



Peggy, you and I are on the same page. Personally I have been dancing around this issue for so long, since he was in 2nd grade, now 25. I was the PTA chairperson in the early years. I did major fundraising for the school system! When the school system failed my son, I moved them both the private parochial school figuring that the strong emphasis on the fundamentals; reading, phonics, mathematics and a good dose of religion would be the best thing for them. I picked up again on the fundraising this time for the church - bazaars, craft fairs, you name it. Then I found out that the kids there were just as mean and the nuns weren't too sympathetic either!



Back to public school we went for junior high and high school because my sons (one Aspie) showed a strong talent for music and entered the school choir, band, jazz band. Private lessons with college level teachers, all the best provided for them and still my Aspie (still undiagnosed) could not fit in anywhere with anyone except teachers and ate lunch alone for six years! We did karate, sports, you name it, nothing worked for him. He is an excellent musician and was a lonely kid in a high school of 4000 !



So, when your children reach adulthood and you've been to hell and back, you just sort of accept and realize that there is no one out there who really understands and cares as much as you do. No one can possibly understand. This disability does not display itself as readily as others and people just expect your child to be 18 and move on with their life - which does not happen. They still have their obsessions; grilled cheese for lunch every day - the same show at the same time every day, etc....and you begin to notice elderly women with their disabled adult children out and about.



My job now is to focus on building independence to a level that will allow him to live as normal a life as possible because on thing is for sure, we won't always be around the be the MOM/caregiver and then what? That realization is the most terrifying of all.

Sasha - posted on 03/25/2009

aspie kids are a great teacher in the art of buring guide books. The best choice I made for my son was to take him out of school for a few years. From my experience, if you are very lucky you may find a school who gets it, and if you do put a notice in the paper. They seem to so rare we need to share them around. I always found when the obsesions stating taking over, distraction was the way around. You will get through this bit.

Peggy - posted on 03/25/2009

I agree with Anne Frazer! My almost 9-year-old Robert was diagnosed with Asperger's while he was near the end of first grade. The school refused to diagnose him as AS; they wanted to label him as Emotionally Disturbed, which I found out later that's what frequently happens in public school. I took matters into my own hands, since the school obviously didn't know how to help him. I say "obviously" because no matter how well versed I became in special education lingo, they continued to sit in the IEP meetings with "deer in the headlights" looks and kept saying the same things. I finally took both of my boys out of school...they had just begun second and 5th grades and I took them out in November 2007. I now homeschool all 3 of my kids: 9, 12 and 13 and we've been much happier.



You will find that all of your time will be spent trying to make your child fit into a situation that will only cause great pain and discomfort. Real learning will not happen...I dare say that it happens even for "normal" kids. But that's another soap box about public school! I used to be a die-hard public school advocate until I had special kids. These children wake you up and make you take notice of things that you were never aware of before. Since I've had my kids, I have learned more about life and what's really important. These Aspie's are here for a reason!



I dare say that some of your son's anger and disrespectfulness stems more from not being understood that it does the current obsession. Obsession is the symptom, the cause runs much deeper. Take him out of the pressure cooker of school if you can and real healing can take place. I never thought I would homeschool, but it has improved all of our lives tremendously! You have the ability to fill your kids lives with what YOU think is important. You can give your child REAL and INDIVIDUAL help and in time watch his confidence grow stronger.

Sasha - posted on 03/22/2009

I have always been very strict on the subject of obsessions with my aspie son, now aged 16. These obsessions are one of the big factors that makes it hard for aspies to live a full social life. As a result of this, my son's obsessions have not developed as they would have done, with him still being a closet pokemon nut. Any time he has developed a new one, it has been ended, no exeptions. It is a battle. However, he is about to go to college in september and has a good chance of forming and maintaining social relationships without the obsessions to get in the way. Having said that we are going through hell at the moment, but that is because of a seperate issue.

All the best.

Anne - posted on 03/17/2009

We have an excellent psychiatrist, therapist and belong to the local chapter of Asperger Association. I have done all that can be done. It's neurological and there is no cure. Anyone associated with Asperger in the medical/psychiatric community will tell you that a syndrome, such as Asperger, is ongoing and chronic just like diabetes or asthma. The help you are seeking will be primarily for yourself because individuals with Asperger do not perceive they have a need for help. They feel comfortable usually in their own skin and it is we 'neuro-typical' who have to learn to adjust to their 'wrong planet'. I don't mean to bring you or anyone else down; just a fact. After recognizing this fact and grieving for a while, I have come to accept this and move on so that my son and I can have the best life possible - and for the sake of my other son and husband as well. Good luck.

Helga - posted on 03/17/2009

Dear Anne, I'm sorry to hear that. I'm a trained soscial therapist, and a mom of a 10 year old boy with AS. I'm not to scared for the future really. I know what help there is out there, and i'm gonna make use of it. Where are u located? I'm in Norway, and even though it's a rich country there is never enough money for weaker groups in the society. but i'm not gonna accept that. My son has a right to a grown independent life as an adult, just like everybody else. And I have the right to let my children grow out of their childhood.

My heart goes out to you, and I'll be glad to listen to you and let you share your long and very hard earned experience. maybe i'll be able to give some feedback as well. hope to hear from you soon.

Anne - posted on 03/17/2009

Everything gets more difficult as your child leaves childhood and is technically an adult but still Asperger! I find myself parenting a 25 year old when my friends and family with adult children are finally able to relax a little and enjoy themselves. As a parent of an adult with Asperger, the hard and cold fact is - that day will never come.....

Helga - posted on 03/17/2009

my 10 year old has also had alot of obsessions, and i've never been able to get rid of them interily, but sometimes i've had luck with making him replace them with a "better" obsession. our conselour said it wouldn't work unless we found a replacement, the obsession is there as a form of chaoscontrol. now he's really into science, and evolution in particular. this is an obsession i find to be tolerable. another obsession is food. he has to empty his plate, no matter what, and he has a need to "steal" sweets. haven't found a replacement for this, but we're trying to find a solution thru positive and negative reinforcement.

Anne - posted on 02/26/2009

Is your son seeing a psychologist? Is he on meds? Meds are the only thing that helps with the OCD portion of being Asperger. It's ongoing and chronic unfortunately. My son has had them since he was a toddler and we didn't even have a proper diagnosis until he was 22 - now 25.

They will always be present and can cause you constant worry and fear. I found a doctor for myself and an antidepressant/antianxiety med to help me not to worry.

If I had it to do all over again, I might have homeschooled, charter schooled and allowed him to get a GED. It would have saved him from being so different than the other kids in his thinking and the way he was treated.

I am not a medical professional and it is only my opinion based on years of the same situation, however, I think that once you accept that he will always have obsessions and that you will always have to deal with them to one degree or another, every day of his life, then the two of you will have a balance that you can live with. Moms are the primary caregiver and interpreter for our children who live with Aspergers and our own mental health must be considered and protected as well.

Good luck.

Karin - posted on 02/26/2009

My heart goes out to you, Cheryl. I have an 11 yr old son with AS, and a 7 yr old son who is bipolar ADHD. I know you must feel very alone in dealing with your son when your husband is not on board and supporting your parenting choices as far as the video games and subject matter. Can you get your husband to go along with you on this? It's so important to AS kids that their parents show a united front, consistency is so crucial.
Have you been able to find a good counselor or therapist for your son to talk to about his feelings? Something is upsetting him, and is causing his anger. He's feeling for and testing his boundaries and limits, and perhaps looking for personal control. I think if you are able to get him to talk about his feelings, maybe you can start to chip away at that anger.
The other thing to explore is perhaps he has another issue such as ADD or anxiety disorder contributing to the AS. A therapist or psychologist can help you with an evaluation and a treatment plan (therapy, meds, whatever) that can help to smooth out his emotions.
Hang in there!

Anne - posted on 01/31/2009

Schools are just not equipped to help you with your son's socialization problems. My son is 25 and wasn't diagnosed until after he graduated from high school. He struggled all through school and led a very solitary life from which he is just now recovering. If I had it to do all over again, I would have home schooled him. The depression that accompanies the isolation and desperation of not fitting in the neuro-typical world can lead to years of suffering.