Parent of Adult Child with Asperger's Syndrome

[deleted account] ( 277 moms have responded )

I'm hoping to find other mom's (or dad's) of adults with Asperger's Syndrome. My son was diagnosed after age 20 but I've known he was an Aspie from birth - just didn't have the terminology until a proper diagnosis. I would love to share experiences, frustrations, joys, set-backs and the perspective of other parents of adults. Since AS was only diagnosed in the late 90's, there was no resource for us while raising our Aspie's and I'm looking to network.

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Jane - posted on 04/07/2013

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I have an aspergers son who just turned 21.
Why am I in the bathroom crying and typing to strangers?
My once sweet child has turned into a horrible monster. The whole house walks on eggshells afraid of saying something that will set the hulk in motion. This has been 5 years of absolute hell.
I am ashamed to say that I don't like my son.
Today was another screamfest with accusations and threats which started over nothing and I want to move out of my own house.
I know that I am not alone in this as I have a good friend with another monster son but there are some days when I can't take it.
I would be so grateful for suggestions or a cure

Christine - posted on 07/17/2013

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Hi I just joined this discussion. I recognize all your issues - because I feel exactly the same way. I also have a daughter, 30, who was diagnosed with Aspergers 2 years ago - but we've known all her life that she was "different." Brilliant, odd, dresses a bit strangely, trouble making friends, intriguing, clever, wooden with strangers, etc etc...a person of extreme contrasts. How could one girl be so smart but have trouble washing her hair or brushing her teeth? how could she do well in graduate school but not remember to sign up for her final licensing exam? how could she have an advanced professional degree but then be unable to get a job because she couldn't make eye contact in an interview, then be working for minimum wage and even lose that job? How could she get straight A's in college but be incapable of paying bills on time or holding down a job in real life? Of course when she was growing up there was no such thing as an Aspie diagnosis. She was called "gifted" but was treated as "weird" by most people. A beautiful little girl, I remember her having a photographic memory, extreme hobbies (like being able to recite every word of the "Get Smart" TV show), a love of travel, a perfect singing voice, an uncanny sense of direction and almost no friends. I remember feeling so confused. Why wasn't she turning out like our other kids? Why didn't her intelligence and academic achievement translate into more success in the real world?
Now at 30, she has had many academic successes - but so many personal and professional failures. I think about age 18 was her high point. It's been downhill from there. I think she is becoming more disabled as she gets older. Has anyone else seen that?
The hardest part when they are an adult is the sadness you feel when you see the life you imagined for them (or they imagined for themselves) compared with their real life.
I see her life passing her by. She lives in a one-room apartment in another state with a roommate and several cats. She is unemployed and having no luck finding a job, and her unemployment is about to run out. Their apartment is so dirty, I was horrified to see it. She seems not to even notice the dirt and grime. Her teeth are getting bad because she won't brush or go to the dentist.
As many parents of Aspie adults, I also am very worried about her finances. She completely lacks common sense to deal with day to day issues. I do not want to be in the position of having to support her the rest of her life. I (and she) don't think her moving back home is a good idea and I am dreading the possibility. She does have this one good friend in her roommate -- and even one friend, as any parent of an Aspie knows, is a rare commodity. Any suggestions appreciated. Maybe there are no solutions. Just reading this board made me not feel so alone.

Whitney - posted on 02/18/2014

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Hello mommies. I hope this is ok that I post something here. I really would like to share insight on all the experiences you have regarding this condition. I am an older sister (28) of an Aspie brother (25) that was diagnosed back in the early 90's (I want to say he was 6). He has completed HS, has maintained a part-time job that a state funded program actually helped him get back in 2008 and just earned is driver's license last year (after a long process of preparing. The anxiety definitely got in his way for getting it sooner). He is still living at home and being supported by my parents, which is what I have been struggling with for years now.
Being the older sibling, I already felt the responsibility to care for him. I was taught that he was different, but I was never taught in detail about his diagnosis. I was always just told that he's just different & we all just need to understand that his behaviors are just the way he is. Not sure if I can blame my parents for that. I know that when he was diagnosed, there was very little knowledge about Asperger’s.
Now I am struggling with the acceptance of how truly debilitating his condition is and I feel there is a growing resentment I have towards my parents (for not continuing to parent him. Even after HS, there was plenty of help he needed but I felt they just thought their jobs as far as educating him done and for enabling him to not continue becoming an independent adult) and towards my sibling (because I feel he is taking advantage of my parents and manipulating them).
He is very functional, but like many Aspies, he struggles with empathy and social situations. He has very inconsistent filter and manners are not always there. But he balances his own checkbook, bathes, dresses and feeds himself (so long as my mother does his laundry & keeps groceries/supplies stocked). My parents even supply him with alcohol and specialty foods he likes and alcohol is probably the last thing someone with a neuro disease needs. He is allowed to be in his room all evening, until dinner is ready, come down, eat & drink everything, then retreat back up to his room when he feels like it. Sure he’ll help my parents with various chores around the home, especially the heavy lifting, but only when he’s asked and they don’t try to keep him engaged to become a more independent person, which I know would help with his self-esteem and happiness. The state does not recognize him as being disable so he doesn’t qualify for SSI, which should help my parents realize he can handle more responsibility. My parents did not even think to research what benefits he would be eligible for until 2-3 years ago, like mentoring programs, food stamps… If I had a child with this condition (which I am aware could very well happen with my genealogy), I would think I would have been looking into what options my child would have as an adult even when they are still a young child. I would think, even more so for a child with a disability, you would have to always be thinking a couple steps a head so that you can try to give your child the best chances for success. Why didn’t they do this?
I recent conflict arose when I finally sought out some help for some focus and anxiety problems I was experiencing. I was tested and come to find out, I was positive for ADD. I am very into eastern medicine and do not like to take pharmaceuticals, but my naturopath encouraged me to understand that this is something that I need to help with this condition. She also stated that I could have very well been struggling with it since adolescences but perhaps because of my brother being the child with the bigger issues, mine were overlooked. I revealed this diagnosis and information to my parents only to receive eye rolls and looks of skepticism.
I seriously don’t know what would happen to my brother if my parents were to die tomorrow. He would not be able to maintain their home or afford to keep the lights on, which brings me to my next issues. Because he is so functional and has proved to be employable, I don’t know why he doesn’t get a second job. My parents enable him to live the way he does which he would never be able to do without them. He saves his money to buy video games and comic books, not to pay bills and buy groceries like adults have to do.
Bottom line, my sibling is going to fall onto my lap when my parents die and I am going to have this privileged man-child that is going to be getting the loudest wake up call of his life because I won’t tolerate it. And to think my parents could have prevented it by helping he continually learn and grow. I know he can do better. I know he can do more. I know he would love himself so much more if could just get the encouragement and parental guidance he needs. He was so proud of himself for getting his license, you could tell he felt that he could accomplish anything now. But soon after, the flame of inspiration died and things went back to the way they have always been and I feel it has a lot to do with my parents not continuing the challenge him. They’ve accepted that they have a child with a disability, but only part of it. Not sure where else to go from here other than to leave the 3 of them to their demented, dysfunctional ways and hope that maybe they will figure it out one day. Until then, I think I need to walk away.

Lisa - posted on 07/18/2013

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My son will be 28 in October. He was dx in the mid 1990's . He attended a special school for autistic children until age 12 when he mainstreamed into a regular public school. He was not able to complete any college but did complete HS.
He is currently unemployed but not living at home. He has a roommate.
He wants to be a filmmaker along with 30000 other people who have a film degree or someone in the business. He is talented but....

My biggest issue is that he will not acknowledge his diagnosis and therefore will not take advantage of any assistance available to him. He should be getting SSI because he is unable to keep a job. He should be using VESID to help him find a job. He believes he can be choosey in terms of what type of job he should have. He will not flip burgers or push a broom. I cannot continue to support him financially. I am lost. My husband does not have any tolerance for my son and reacts to him as if he is deliberately doing things to upset him. My marriage is suffering.
Thanks for listening.

Patricia Grahame - posted on 05/18/2013

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After years of my own research, and after having read so,so,many books and articles on Aspergers, this is the first place I have read things that I find very,very HELPFUL !I can ,(finally !), IDENTIFY with Aspie moms ! You have no idea, well maybe you do, how relieved I am !
I was starting to think of myself as : stupid,unloving,lacking patience,unintelligent, (how can I not know how to relate to my own daughter ! ?),lonely,alienated, forgotten. I am a retired psychologist, having had a private practice for over 30 years,and have excellent relational and communication skills...but not with my daughter! I am a single parent of a 46 yr.old gorgeous, now married, Aspie daughter, classified in middle school, with what was then known as, Learning Disabilities.No one was diagnosing Aspergers back then in the mid eighties. Now,our relationship is almost completely eroded, we have short, strained conversations, very infrequently. I live 35 minutes away from her, and I have never been to her apt.on the Upper East side of Manhattan. I have not seen her in over year. She has huge rage isuues, and, there was a time, she could become violent. She scared and angered me.I was at a total loss.I have long needed some sort of "guide," for communications with her. I need to learn how to "relate," to my daughter. I do not want to lose her. I love her more than anything in this world. I have been suffering from depression for many years now, as I have not been able to heal or resolve this situation. But some things I have read here, make me feel so less alone and give me...hope. Hope at last !Any and all suggestions welcomed ! Thank you all for ...being there !

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Catherine - posted on 08/10/2015

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Hi im a mum with aspergers I was disgnosed age 47 ....would this be passed onto my daughter who show signs

Gayle - posted on 07/13/2015

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My son is 24,has his associates degree,works as a cashier at Kohls cause he has no clue what he wants to do,This is not unusual I know,but while he is good at his job,he is socially awkward,has trouble making new friends,wont look one in the eye,only plays video games when not working.Is afraid to drive,or take on anything new,Everyone thinks he is just behind socially,or not developing the "normal" way,but I think he has aspergers! He does things alone a lot,prefers it I think,tho he has a girlfriend he doesn't see her much.Not much empathy,no direction.My husband worries about him having to get a full time job with insurance in another year or so,but he (our son) worries about getting another job as he is comfortable in this one,which is only part time.Others his age on on their own,some starting families and he hasn't progressed much socially since high school!,No new friends,same ones since his school days,, Does this sound like aspergers??Help!

Karol - posted on 07/08/2015

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You could be speaking about my son. We had an understanding that he would go to Vocational Rehab and sign up for college again. I am on disability and that's what I am doing. He went at a later time. He came home with a story that there is a waiting list. I believe in the waiting list but I think that he has lied to me once again. He probably found out about the waiting list and didn't turn in the paperwork because I don't think he wants to do anything other than what he is doing. Which is sleep all day, video games at night and eat. I have to beg him to shower and clean his room. His only friends are who is in his "guild" on the internet. Now I have found his bank statements showing all kinds of weird charges. He is "buying" his friends on the internet. He can't afford to buy me a mother's day card but he can sure send someone $150 Western Union. He states that he recognizes scammers and that he isn't naive. eeh yeah right. He buys things on Amazon and they sure as hell don't come here. He receives SSI/SSDI (had a job at blockbuster for a while) and I am the representative payee on his account. For his therapy, he has to have an independent living program which included taking care of his finances so he had a debit/Mastercard. Problem with that is that as representative payee, I have to fill out a form for SSA every year to state where and how the money they are giving him is used. He's sending it to other people, buying things for other people!! people he knows jack about. I could be held financially and legally responsible for misuse of funds!!! i told him this and he states he knows. This means to me that he could care less about throwing ME under the bus. I am DONE. He needs to go to supportive living somewhere. I need to let him understand that I am not going to live forever and if he continues to do this, HE will face the consequences. Better to learn now than at age 40 I guess.

Jo - posted on 05/27/2015

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To parents in Minnesota: great experience we just had at Fraser Center for ASD in Minneapolis. We had to wait over 6 months for an evaluation appointment, but they do a good job. Had my 27yo evaluated- he is on the spectrum(see two previous posts below). They have set him up with 3 helpful things: 1) a vocational/interest program that will guide him in figuring out what he would like to do as far as a job or further schooling 2) a therapist who is trained specifically to work with ASD clients 3) a young adult therapy/support group to deal with social issues. Yes, yes, yes!

Jo - posted on 05/26/2015

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To continue:Currently, my son is not working.Sleeps all day, video games all night.Has never had a date. Worries he will be all alone when his Dad and I die. Will not do anything that is suggested, or eat what I've prepared for dinner. No empathy ever for me. Doesn't respond when family dog brings him the frisbee. Read early but won't read now. Had job delivering pizza for 2 1/2 years (!), but quit due to social problems with no notice, now won't look for another. Has quirks like having to brush his teeth at the kitchen sink, always keeps a small object with him like a little car or a jackknife. Forgets to take his meds (for ADD and depression). Still needs parents to make dentist and doctor appts. Good at poker (poker face extraordinaire). Would steal money from us when younger, never tried to cover it up-"I needed it". Good looking- I once mentioned that a girl was 'checking him out' but he said he had no idea what that was or meant. What's to become of him? has been my constant worry. He does have some strong points- he is lucky enough to have childhood friends who have kept him in their circle even though they have all graduated from college and are married or have girlfriends. He plays video games with them and poker. He is not good at hygiene but not awful. Messy but not destructive. Drinks, smokes cigarettes and pot, but eats well and takes his gummy vitamins. And I saved my money when I was working, have bought him a townhouse, and will set up a trust that will pay all bills and let him live modestly. He can drive and is excellent knowing directions(but never put a puzzle together when young). So, I guess we are lucky compared to some. But he is my darling baby boy who will never experience love in the way that most can, and that breaks my heart.

Jo - posted on 05/26/2015

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OK, get this: I'm 65, RN for 30 years, searching for an answer to my 27yo son's difficulties since preschool, just found this column and now have an answer! Leave it up to moms to correctly delineate typical behaviors. The experts we've gone to, the therapy he has had, the money we've spent- the troubles we've had!!! Lordy.
Here you go: bright,trouble in school,tried community college x2 and quit quickly x2. Never wanted to do what I told him. No begging, bribing,consequencing,demonstration of me losing my mind, made any difference.Rarely did the "work" in school, always knew answers on tests. Had to get GED because of missing credits and poor attendance and dismal grades, but got a 22 on his ACT. Always sleep problems: too little when young, too much as adult. Doesn't get sarcasm. Major tune-out if confronted-he will lay motionless,mute, with eyes closed.

Melinda - posted on 05/17/2015

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Oh my Gosh. I live in Melbourne and my Aspie
son is 16. He will not go to school, the high school have bent over backwards but if he isn't there there is no point. I'm thinking a pension is the way to go, I'm a single mum who works full time but thinking I'll have to quit to care for him. I'm glad I'm not alone, friends and family are never going to understand :(

Jb - posted on 05/11/2015

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It's hard to know what to say. I'm glad to know there are other people out there that are struggling to help their adult children with Aspergers. I don't know why I didn't look for support sooner...it just didn't occur to me, I guess. I have two sons, 20 and 21. The older one was never officially diagnosed, but at least in high school there was some recognition of a problem and he was able to get some help. He joined a social group back then, which was the biggest help, as he developed good relationships that still exist for him and are very important to him. As for my younger son, it is much more of a struggle. He does not like to interact with anyone, and will go to pretty good lengths to avoid it. He has been seeing a psychologist for about a year and a half now, but I don't know if it is doing any good. I'm very worried about what will happen to him if something happens to my husband and myself. He had a job for two weeks, but then quit because he could not keep up with the pace of the job and he did not know how to address that with the boss. I have been trying to help him seek out other employment, but that is looking really grim, since he is so very unmotivated, and it is also hard to explain to potential employers why he quit the other job after 2 weeks.
Mother's Day was basically a slap in the face. Everyone on Facebook posting all the wonderful things that their kids did for them...getting validation that they are great mothers. I try really hard not to take it personally, but it is no fun feeling like the world is judging you as a "bad mother". (And then I feel guilty for thinking about my own hurt feelings, when I KNOW it is the Aspergers that make my kids act the way they do). Sigh.

Christina - posted on 04/30/2015

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I can so relate to this, bar the grandchild...replace with a controlling negative girlfriend. My son is 25 who thinks the same...I am trying to deal with him , but seem to be getting nowhere. Would love for him to be diagnosed so he can get the proper help. That way we all might come away knowing how to deal with him. I have been crying for days as he has lashed out at me in a way that I have never experienced before. All I want to do is help, but it seems I ask too many questions and he then just shouts at me. I am so stressed out from it. Hoping to find answers here..so far it has been insightful.

Roni - posted on 04/16/2015

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Hey all. Through a random search I found this thread. I won't get in to my life story but my younger brother has Aspergers and everything mentioned in the stories on this thread we've been through. We've tapped in to every resource and taken steps forward to only take more steps back - it's this crazy, sick revolving door. God bless my mother for her strength, love and dedication to helping her son.

That being said, Google and I are pretty good friends. I've research everything under the sun about Asperger's. Recently I came across a resource called AspergersExperts.com. These two guys have Aspergers and they break it down in so many ways to help familys, parents, teachers, and individuals with Aspergers get out of defense mode and find a way to move forward in life. The videos are a great help - as well as their programs you can buy. Start with watching a few of the videos! There a lot of free resources through their website that can help! Please, take a look!

Good luck to everyone. Know you're not alone - there are so many of us out there going through the same. exact. thing.

NICOLE - posted on 04/13/2015

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Hello, am looking also to network. I am looking to an organization called ANNE. Resources for persons with Asperger as well as job assistance.

NICOLE - posted on 04/13/2015

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i would like to share as i too have a son who is an adult. Would you like to speak directly together? There is an organization called ANNE. Lots resources, that i am looking into. Nicole

Charmaine - posted on 04/08/2015

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My son is now 31. He was diagnosed when he was 12. It wasn't until he was sent to a adolescent psychiatric facility that he was finally diagnosed correctly. WE spent many years with many doctors trying to figure out what was actually wrong with Brian. I could tell you the horror stories of his growing up, but that would be a complete novel. I was lucky to have been able to fight for him to get as much help as we could. He lives with us, has a part-time job, and a girlfriend. Not a typical relationship--but that's another story. My problem now is that the older he gets, the more depressed and anxious he gets and everyday he gets up to go to work is a struggle. He has been at the same job for over 10 years and it has its ups and downs, but he had supervisors I could confide in and they knew about his disability. His last supervisor, a complete saint, just retired and now there is a new one and she is making changes Brian is not able to cope with. I'm mainly just looking for people to talk to because I am so stressed sometimes, that some days I just want to run away. I have a wonderful husband of 38 years, but Brian prefers to talk to me and not his dad. I don't know about anyone else, but Brian has so many issues and a main one is his complaint about weird thoughts and obsessions running through his head all day and it makes it hard for him to function. WHen he's upset, I never know if he will harm himself or something worse. I have to be the one to calm him down before he does something. If there is anyone else out there who has similar issues, feel free to respond. I would also be willing to help anyone with specific problems with their aspie since I have been dealing with this for 31 years.

Renee - posted on 03/31/2015

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Not yet but we are seriously thinking about it. We moved our son down from Columbus. Ohio to South Carolina where we just moved to last year. He had an apt on his own for the first time for a year. It was s disaster. He wouldn't get out of bed for weeks and lost his job and we are now getting mail with bills he hasn't paid and we can only do so much because we have 2 other boys.

Dawn - posted on 03/28/2015

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I am in the same place, our daughter, now 18 is having a terrible time. She was diagnosed at age 9, and in MT we had great resources and community, but we are military and the area in FL we live has virtually NOTHING. I tried moving to CA for a year, for that purpose, it was supposed to be "THE" autism school. My family was there, so it sounded perfect. NIGHTMARE. My daughter pummeled into the pito of despair, and shut down. it was aweful, and still is. During that time, she really delved into a secret life that has been very destructive for her...and we moved back to FL to at least let her be near the healthy friends she had. That hasn't fixed things, but now that her cutting and other dual diagnosis type issues have surfaced, I am finding a lot of great resources and help online. I am thankful and hopeful to have found this page. IT is so much harder once they are over 18, due to the privacy rights. I am seeking out guardian advocacy status, because there are times when she is just not able to make the health and wellness decisions that need to be made. Have any of you pursued that who have over 18 Aspies?

Debra - posted on 03/25/2015

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I did not know there was help for adults with aspergers ..my daughter is 25,,she finished high school and earned a degree but having problems finding a job...people think she is slow but the are wrong...she has no friends ...in a way in think it is my fault ....refuse to believe there was something wrong until I could no longer deny it....

Barbara - posted on 03/06/2015

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You are definitely not alone!!!! I know how you feel tho and totally relate to what you're saying. I have a grandson who is 10 1/2 and was just recently diagnosed with Aspies. He originally was diagnosed ADHD and being treated with some sort of drug that I just hated. Now I'm not sure how they are changing that, he lives out of state and I've been dealing with my daughter so much it is hard to converse with anyone and when I can I'm so depressed I can't. We are all in the same situation within our families and for me being able to read and realize the abundance of people with the same problem I at least do not feel so alone now. This site is my dependency for sanity courses now. lol. God Bless

G - posted on 03/04/2015

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Wow! I finally found a site that gives me some encouragement. Forget the books and websites that tell you what to do or what to give our kids. NOBODY would ever know what it's like to live with an Aspie until you have one. My son is 12 yrs. old and some days are so challenging and frustrating that I don't know what to do. My 2 other daughters have to put up with his behavior and just like all of you, our family suffers. At least now I know I'm not the only one who goes through this every single day :(

Barbara - posted on 02/24/2015

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I am in need of help dealing with my daughter who is Aspie. I've got several post on here to refer to (just to keep me from retyping it all ) She's 32 and wasn't diagnosed until about 2 year's. It was obvious there was a problem but I had no understanding of what went wrong, where, who, how, just no clue. She was born in 82, so there was no thing as mental health then, you were crazy, stupid, insubordinate, etc, etc. There were signs now looking back (hind sight is 20/20) but it was all related to educational things, advanced reading etc. Reading encyclopedias at 3 years old etc. To me that wasn't a problem then because it was better than watching an excessive amount of cartoons! At least that was my thinking at the time. At about the age of 23-24 it started showing. The rudeness, lashing out, hatefulness, you name it, and only gotten worse. After reading other post, it seems like there are so many traits that carry with all Aspie's.
With that summary, my question is....How do you deal with situation. How do you not take personally the comments, rudeness, slanderous, hateful and every other adjective of listed. I have cried and cried, felt unworthy, useless, heart sliced in so many directions I can never get them in the right place again. Confused and hurt, feeling hated how do you handle it? Emotionally i'm so destroyed. Any suggestions?
Thank you so much. I'm just at a loss.

Lisanne - posted on 02/23/2015

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Sometimes I want to scream...I scream inside, but feel like I am falling apart. When he comes at me what complaint after complaint, and will listen to no solution...when it's everyone else's fault, when I can't do enough for him, or I'm not there enough...it gets overwhelming sometimes...I become so stressed that I can't function enough to get my own work done...it's exhausting...I have soo much love for him, but there are times when I don't know what more I can do...thank you for letting me vent in a place where I know there are others who can empathize with me...

Annette - posted on 02/22/2015

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What makes you think that he would die if he was in a group home? Group homes can be wonderful. And getting assistance with a job is quite valuable to our adult children. I couldn't just throw my daughter out either. I needed a place for her to live when she left. If you can find someone that will let him sleep at their place, but have to leave during the day... that will put him in a place where he will be motivated to look for something better. I don't know. I was in a similar dark place as what you are describing for many years. You feel like maybe he just needs a little more help, a little more patience. I hope you continue to share your story until something breaks through and it gets better.

Raisa - posted on 02/22/2015

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someone out there please give us a suggestion...our grown son is so lost & so are we. Not one doctor has helped. I hear "throw him out"; put him in a group home. He would die. He thinks nothing is wrong. I feel guilty, hopeless all the time. Someone please help.

Annette - posted on 02/21/2015

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God gave me you. This exact internet page has changed my life for the better, for the much better. I have a 27yo stepdaughter who has been diagnosed with social anxiety. My psychiatrist hears more about my daughter's actions and reactions -- he is more than sure she is high functioning autistic. One major difference from what many here describe is that my dau is the opposite of violent. She fears becoming violent because her mother (deceased) was very violent, even attacked her dad with a frying pan over the head. Police were called many times. ANYWAY, I was given the courage to put her out of the house. She is now "in the system" and it is a very good thing. They know how to stay right on top of her every little thing. I know how to do that too, but the daily struggle had me suicidal twice in the past 2 years. A nurse in the psych unit told me that I had to do whatever it took so that I could live in my house. I thought she was being cruel. "Surely, I just needed to be patient and try harder to help my daughter adapt." NO NO NO, that is surely wrong. My daughter is not going to "adapt". I am excited about my future! No longer will my job be nagging, reminding, sitting in the corner and crying, having no one to support me. Even now, our small community does not know of my daughter's issues and are quick to judge the evil stepmother that I AM NOT. Okay, enough about me. If you pray, pray for Rachael that she will progress through the process and end up in a place that supports her and encourages her through it all.

Raisa - posted on 02/15/2015

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I am so discouraged....our son will not admit he has AS, so he will not get help. I wake up feeling hopeless and depressed. I'm not sure how to directly correspond with posters. I mean, directly chat or contact. Can someone help me? The pain is intolerable. I feel I MUST help our son, but don't know how. I've become obsessed with helping him, but nothing helps and he is unreachable, very angry, says very hurtful things, zones out....please, someone out there, let me know how to truly corespond with posters on this page...thanks.

Raisa - posted on 02/15/2015

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to elizabeth dempster -- we feel exactly the same. Such love, but also such disappointment....which makes us feel guilty

Kimmie - posted on 02/15/2015

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I am very worried about my daughter. I only just realized she is an apien woman. She is a high achiever, a junior at an Ivy with a 4.0 gpa. She is not motivated to do anything. She does not have a single friend. She also has sleep disorder and every characteristic for an asperger. Her only focus is to get 'A' and nothing else. There are a lot of opportunities for her but she refuses to fill out an application. Up till her sophomore year, she made me write and respond to messages for her. She yells at me for not knowing what to say in the response. Life is very difficult for me as a mother to her. I understand that she has a lot of issues. At one point I almost wanted to take my own life and at that very moment, I came across an article about Asperger's syndrome. I only then realized she is sick. It gives me reasons to live until old age. I am an old mother. She always tells me not to be sad when she hurts my feelings. Just to know that she loves me. At one point I really hated her but now I love her more so. I am very lost.

Lisanne - posted on 02/10/2015

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Barbara,
My son sounds very much like your daughter. I have to tell him to do almost everything...unless, like you said, it's something he is interested in or wants to do. He does go to therapy, and is on a barrage of medications-which help with the OCD mostly, and the anxiety. There are times when the OCD is so bad that he doesn't sleep, barely eats...and then it's stressful for me as well. I am lucky in that we are very close. He loves his Momma! When I watched the movie "Silver Linings"- I said, omg, that's my son. The scene where he storms into his parent's room at 4 in the morning because he has something he needs to declare. LOL- yep, that's him. My true empathy and compassion go out to all of us who have a loved one with a "challenge".

Kimberly - posted on 01/20/2015

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I too have a 23 year old aspie. She works 11 hours a week and is stressed out because of it. She went to and quit 3 colleges and now has racked up $23000 in student loans and won't take care of them. Not even just to have the payments reduced to where she can pay them at least a little. She won't apply for SSI, Food stamps or any other assistance. We are heart broken but have to place her in a low income housing, which she is giving us a hard time about. I mean REALLY HARD time! She does better when she sees her therapist, but often skips appts. We are so worried about what will happen to her if something happens to us. She can not survive on her income. She was not diagnosed until the age of 19. Making things even harder. She like many others seems to really resent me. The situation is very heart wrenching. Made worse by people not understanding Asperger's. 211.org has a lot of helpful info if you have time to look into it. I too was extremely guilty about not having her diagnosed earlier, but I didn't know anything about Asperger's then. Glad I found this site.

Lisanne - posted on 01/18/2015

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I have a son, who has high functioning aspergers, along with severe OCD. He is 23, and. there are times when it's just as frustrating as it was when he was little...I don't know if he will ever be able to live on his own. He is so smart, and so wonderful...and so high need...

Barbara - posted on 01/11/2015

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My daughter is 32 and was diagnosed 2 yeas ago. Even tho she had it long ago it was never an issue until she got older. Other things I think sat it off in an abrupt form and it's went down hill from then. Please feel free to discuss anything you want with me. I'm looking for understanding and help in anyway to accomplish it. My brain just doesn't get it. And the pain of the way she treats me is only making it worse to understand. So feel free.Thanks and have a good day

Barbara - posted on 01/11/2015

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My daughter has many traits as indicated in previous posts. However, Asperger isn't on a social disorder. There are multiple traits that Aspies have that range from social to pure defiance over anything and everything. So, so many symptoms that come a long with it, or as a repercussion of it.

Barbara - posted on 01/09/2015

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I wish my daughter could have been diagnosed at a younger age. I think it would have made life much easier. At this age she's set in a way of what she thinks things are and weren't. She believes things there are no situations involving but yet she's put them there. She is just hell bent on believing what she believes and nothing you or anyone else can say will make her see it a different way. She has become this master schemer who makes up stories so she's a victim and gets all the attention and pity for things that aren't so. I just sit and shake my head constantly when I think about it all. It's so over whelming and depressing. I think a lot of children are misdiagnosed with things.

Deborah - posted on 01/08/2015

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My son will be 26 next week , he wasn't dx until he was almost 18. Years ago this was missed by everyone. He was dx as ADHD , like many were back then. I didn't know Aspergers was.

Deborah - posted on 01/08/2015

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What traits does she have ? Aspergers is social, they can't look at someone's eye and talk. Appear to be shy at 1st when around new people.

Barbara - posted on 12/21/2014

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From what I've read and know, it seems to me like the traits are definitely that of Aspies.
The list goes on and on as to their actions and it appears to me that most of the actions my daughter has is the same traits of others with aspergers. My daughter is 32 and does admit it and openly talks about it especially to her friends, fiance and others but to me, well not to much and when she does, it's not so nice. Some of her traits are

can't be around people, agoraphobic (ignore misspelled words please)
very technical, you say it, you better say it right!! ex: tell her to do the dishes, that's exactly what she does, bowls and plates because silver wear isn't dishes, nor is cups etc, they are glasses, or mugs or coffee cups, tea cups etc.
she needs to be told what to do, ex: do your laundry, make your bede etc, etc...if you don't tell her, she doesn't think to do it. Will walk right owver something and not pick it up until you say something, and I've purposely left things for over a week to see and then said why didn't you pick that up, you just stepped over it for a week and she said my brain doesn't tell me to that just because it's there.
changes are a big no, no! nothing can change, she puts it somewhere you better leave it there or there is pure hell to pay.
sloppy,doesn't care, is so lazy.(wasn't raised that way)
I'm the enemy i guess you can say, well according to her.
She follows directions but the problem is, you have to tell her everything every day. Like nothing sticks in mind.
Genius level smart and has to correct me every chance she gets and or anyone else as well.
Anything she remembers is her way and because that's what she remembers and how she remembers it, so she's right, I'm ALWAYS wrong.
addiction problems
anxiety attacks
on and on....aspergers is a wicked thing on the mind. The problem is the wickedness doesn't stop there, it affects everyone and I'm noticing that it's more so the mother who is attacked more than men or others? I wonder if there is something with that or is it just me reading into that?
By the way my daughter was diagnosed a year 1/2 ago, and i was blamed by her therapist while in rehab that I should have notice this, she was reading encylopedias at 3 years of age, so because I just thought she was smart, ( i always worked with her on educational things) but because I didnt notice this was aspergers it was my fault for not having her treated before. Mental health wasn't even considered let alone recognized as a medical problem until the late 80's or early 90's but it was my fault in the early 80's? I took her to therapy when she was 9, 10 and again at 13 and they couldn't see her after about 3 visits because she reversed the roles and was getting them to talk instead of her. She flat told them i'm not playing your games! many times I tried, *SIGH*
ok enough said, believe me traits don't end here. money doesn't care whose it is, her's mine or her dads she'll use it if she wants something! and yes without our knowledge until we get a bank statement 700.00 short!!! yes, and sometimes more. total shopaholic. sigh again...good night my brain is on high gear and I need sleep. Blessings and luck to you.

Barbara - posted on 12/21/2014

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I have found many things on this site helpful as well. The one thing I've realized as well is I am not a lone. We are not a lone and thank god for that. I've just started researching about Asperger's because I'm at a loss. Completely cut through the soul and heart. I sit and start crying, I go to the store and something clicks in my mind and I start crying. I feel hopeless most days. I want that hug I used to get, the feeling of feeling like I'm worth something. Instead it's quite the opposite. My daughter is 32. She has no emotion to me in any way. If I'm around i'm there but with a distance that never used to be there. I get talked to rarely and walked around like a piece of unwanted furniture. I'm writing now through tears trying to understand what I did. Everything to her is wrong when it comes to me.We try to have a conversation or she will ask me something and suddenly i open my mouth and before I can get a word out she is going off like a roaring blaze. As I'm being told how horribly stupid I am and other choice words and ranting on and on. I'm still trying to figure out where this whole thing went wrong, what did i say to get all this. I'm sitting in a land of fog with no answers. I just get my purse and leave.I'm lost, just do not know. I've ask a friend of mine who is a therapist and knows my daughter and her rages. She told me to ask her a few questions and try to put her in charge of the conversations. Instead of my suggestions or answers, swing it back her way. I'm trying to prepare myself to find the time and way to be able to, or should i say for her to "allow" me to talk to her on a level basis with true feelings no sugar coating or saying something that she wants to hear because I'm so afraid she will go off. It's a very delicate thing to do and I really do not have the way to do it or the best idea how to even approach the possibility of her being willing to have a talk. My friend told me the best way she can think of is to say something like I'm trying to to learn what aspergers is about and if you (she) has any idea as to where the best place is to help me with that? The other question she told me might be good is asking her, What is it I can do to make things easier for her? She told me they feel a need to be in charge of everything they encounter, therefore, put everything in her control and you really aren't saying much and she's doing the talking or hopefully will and it sorta takes the burden off me. I want to do this, but now that the holidays are here, I want to wait until after that. If you or anyone else has suggestions as to other questions or how to word certain things, or just plain suggestions in anything, I'm willing to take all advice. Has anyone else been told to try to handle your Aspie this way? I do realize my daughter does have a need to be in charge and acknowledged in everything she says and will not stop until she's comfortable that you agree with her and nothing you says matter. She just wants to hear an OK! Her words to me about a month ago!!!!!!!!!
Sorry this is so long but it feels good to put it somewhere and release it from my mind.
Barb

Barbara - posted on 12/20/2014

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Thanks so much for commenting. If you don't mind, can I ask you some questions or advice?
You said in your blog that "outbreaks are not necessarily a symptom of aspergers, but rather a response to increased anxiety and stress as it builds up and they don't know how to deal with it. make sure you are really listening to your child" etc. Okay, I do understand this however my first question is (1) , Does this mean that outbreaks can be controlled if she wants to? 2. When these outbreaks happen does it appear to be directed more to one person than any other? I mean my daughter will lash at me over no reason but yet her finace' can do something and she totally walks from it? Why is the anger directed to me 99.9% of the time?
I'm not throwing a pity party here, but I just can't understand her anger to me with her build ups of spells.

You seem to handle and recognize your Asperger's and have a handle on it. How did you accomplish that? Did you go to therapy? How old were you when it was diagnosed? I'm full of questions and thoughts are so jumbled in my mind. This last 2 years especially have been pure hell on me and I'm turning in circles trying to understand it all and more so trying to deal with it.
I appreciate your input so much.
As for your friend, I pray she can find the best help for her without being depressed in what her parents are doing. Do they not have houses or homes that help with this kind of thing with living assistance help?

K - posted on 12/20/2014

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Helpful to read. I am the mother of a 29 year old, not diagnosed. But I have to admit that she likely is " on the spectrum". Her rage with me and alienation of family members has been very difficult. I don't begin to know how to communicate with her. She would not admit that Asperger's is a possibility, I am sure. She blames me for her different ness.

Pamel - posted on 12/16/2014

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My son is almost 19. He's never been formally diagnosed but I have been told by his Doctor that he is aspergers boy. He has a difficult time with personal hygiene especially teeth brushing. He has extreme anger issues. Everything becomes a huge argument or even a fight. He told me last night that he can't wait to move out so he would never have to see me again. I've tried, tried, tried to make him aware and responsible for the small things. He does have a job and he is a History major in college, he is never late for classes or work, but always seems to be late with his phone bill and argues when it's time to pay his car insurance. So all he pays for is Car ins. phone, and gas for his car. I don't think that is a bad start at making him responsible. He piles dirty laundry in his room til it smells like his room it rotting. I try to make him go with me to the basement and make him put his own laundry in the maching to wash them.
Everyday when I get home from work there is another thing he wants to argues about... I mean FIGHT about. Simple things like take the garbage out becomes a war in my house. But I have told him that he needs to contribute to the running of the house even if it is as small as garbage. I'm at a loss of what to do to help my boy/man. He has one friend, he seems to be a good friend. He has yet to be in trouble with the law but I'm afraid that will come.

[deleted account]

Dear Lisa,

It has been months since you first posted. I hope you received encouraging words from others. My husband and I have a private pact that our son will not be allowed to move back in with us. He is employed and being 2 years out of college he still lives in an inexpensive apartment. I am working on letting go of any sort of expectation I have for our son. He is social and respectful with us and comes to visit 2ce a year. He tries to keep his mess in just one corner of the house while he is here. Right now I am listening to all these mom's and hope it will help to be connected to everyone.

Jill

Julie - posted on 11/30/2014

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i meant unfit to plea in a court to help him with being charged with burglery as he thought he was helping someone get thier stuff from work and not stealing I know he is not mentally challenged he is high functioning and presents well and this is why the courts would have difficulty recognising he has a problem with being literal

No - posted on 11/23/2014

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My sibling has Asperger's, and was diagnosed about ten years ago. He's becoming increasingly more and more violent to the point where I think he's going to kill someone. He just twisted my ankle to the point of spraining it probably and I honestly don't know what to do. I want him in an institution where he can get professional help.

Barbara - posted on 11/14/2014

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I understand your frustrations Suzie. Some days my daughter is the sweetest talkative person in the world then it seems like instantly a switch to something a lot less desirable to be around. I'm definitely in wave link and understanding exactly what you are saying and how you feel. This diagnosis of my daughter is fairly recent, although we knew something was there, It was first diagnosed as panic attacks, which she was having but that was I guess the flip side or as I call it, it's side kick to other issues such Autism. It does and will continue to put a very different light on our life and I am enjoying reading other post. It has given me a sense of relief to some extent just in the basic hours after signing up today. Thanks so much for your encouragement and helping me feel comfortable here.

Suzie - posted on 11/14/2014

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I think part of the problem is that people refer to AS as 'mild autism' - as if it is just a weakened version on a general level. What I have found is that some days he is as communicative as the next person or more so and I doubt that he has AS at all, then wham! he's like a person enclosed in his own little world and at odds with everyone outside it. It's then that I can't seem to do or say anything right, so I keep my peace - and he wonders what's wrong with me! Can't seem to win here - but it is nice to be able to talk to others who do understand. I feel as if I am at least on someone else's wavelength.

Suzie - posted on 11/14/2014

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Hi, my son was 17 when he was diagnosed and that was 20 years ago. We were told during developmental tests that he would 'grow out of it' whatever 'it' was. When we realised that this was not the case I was informed by my GP that I was a 'neurotic mother'. I insisted that his father attend the GP (she took more notice of him) and she referred him to a consultant for 'depression'. Fortunately, the consultant was fully aware of AS so our son got a positive diagnosis. I have since changed my GP by the way.

Suzie - posted on 11/14/2014

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Yes, my son has been apprehended by police on several occasions. He was told that he 'looked suspicious!' He was reluctant at first, but now he carries a card with him that confirms that he has AS and gives a brief description of the communication problems he has, especially when he is anxious - which, under these conditions, he would be. Hope this helps - it helps him as he now feels as if he has 'back-up' just in case, and you can always put a contact telephone number on it for extra reassurance.

Barbara - posted on 11/14/2014

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Oh yes, I get the same thing! I really feel like 90% of the time my breath is wasted air because in the end, nothing is done the way I do/did it, nor is anything said the way I hear it and for gods sake nothing is remembered the way I remember it lol. Geesh, no wins here lately! Not giving up tho

Julie - posted on 11/14/2014

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Yes its seems like they talk talk talk or wont speak to you at all my son thinks i nag nag nag or try to control him when he doesnt want to hear what we say. Patience of a saint is required at these times!!

Barbara - posted on 11/14/2014

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I experience this with my daughter on a constant basis with my 32 yo. daughter. I really do not have much advice as i'm totally lost in pain from a split tongue and horrible words. Something keeps going back through my head that my daughter recently told me while we were having "talk" ? about how do i begin and where do I start to understand her. Her words to me were. Acknowledge me! When i say something and you say something back, the conversation keeps going and it keeps going and eventually turns into a "misunderstanding" or an argument. She proceeded to tell me that all she needs to hear is OK when she states something. Just something to let her know the conversation is ended or she will keep going until she gets ! It's difficult how we as adults have to change our whole communication skills, how we speak, tones we might use or hand gestures. I hope this helps. I'm on my journey to reading more. I'm new to this and desperately trying to understand and learn life with my daughter again.

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