Parent of Adult Child with Asperger's Syndrome

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I'm hoping to find other mom's (or dad's) of adults with Asperger's Syndrome. My son was diagnosed after age 20 but I've known he was an Aspie from birth - just didn't have the terminology until a proper diagnosis. I would love to share experiences, frustrations, joys, set-backs and the perspective of other parents of adults. Since AS was only diagnosed in the late 90's, there was no resource for us while raising our Aspie's and I'm looking to network.

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Jane - posted on 04/07/2013

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I have an aspergers son who just turned 21.
Why am I in the bathroom crying and typing to strangers?
My once sweet child has turned into a horrible monster. The whole house walks on eggshells afraid of saying something that will set the hulk in motion. This has been 5 years of absolute hell.
I am ashamed to say that I don't like my son.
Today was another screamfest with accusations and threats which started over nothing and I want to move out of my own house.
I know that I am not alone in this as I have a good friend with another monster son but there are some days when I can't take it.
I would be so grateful for suggestions or a cure

Christine - posted on 07/17/2013

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Hi I just joined this discussion. I recognize all your issues - because I feel exactly the same way. I also have a daughter, 30, who was diagnosed with Aspergers 2 years ago - but we've known all her life that she was "different." Brilliant, odd, dresses a bit strangely, trouble making friends, intriguing, clever, wooden with strangers, etc etc...a person of extreme contrasts. How could one girl be so smart but have trouble washing her hair or brushing her teeth? how could she do well in graduate school but not remember to sign up for her final licensing exam? how could she have an advanced professional degree but then be unable to get a job because she couldn't make eye contact in an interview, then be working for minimum wage and even lose that job? How could she get straight A's in college but be incapable of paying bills on time or holding down a job in real life? Of course when she was growing up there was no such thing as an Aspie diagnosis. She was called "gifted" but was treated as "weird" by most people. A beautiful little girl, I remember her having a photographic memory, extreme hobbies (like being able to recite every word of the "Get Smart" TV show), a love of travel, a perfect singing voice, an uncanny sense of direction and almost no friends. I remember feeling so confused. Why wasn't she turning out like our other kids? Why didn't her intelligence and academic achievement translate into more success in the real world?
Now at 30, she has had many academic successes - but so many personal and professional failures. I think about age 18 was her high point. It's been downhill from there. I think she is becoming more disabled as she gets older. Has anyone else seen that?
The hardest part when they are an adult is the sadness you feel when you see the life you imagined for them (or they imagined for themselves) compared with their real life.
I see her life passing her by. She lives in a one-room apartment in another state with a roommate and several cats. She is unemployed and having no luck finding a job, and her unemployment is about to run out. Their apartment is so dirty, I was horrified to see it. She seems not to even notice the dirt and grime. Her teeth are getting bad because she won't brush or go to the dentist.
As many parents of Aspie adults, I also am very worried about her finances. She completely lacks common sense to deal with day to day issues. I do not want to be in the position of having to support her the rest of her life. I (and she) don't think her moving back home is a good idea and I am dreading the possibility. She does have this one good friend in her roommate -- and even one friend, as any parent of an Aspie knows, is a rare commodity. Any suggestions appreciated. Maybe there are no solutions. Just reading this board made me not feel so alone.

Whitney - posted on 02/18/2014

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Hello mommies. I hope this is ok that I post something here. I really would like to share insight on all the experiences you have regarding this condition. I am an older sister (28) of an Aspie brother (25) that was diagnosed back in the early 90's (I want to say he was 6). He has completed HS, has maintained a part-time job that a state funded program actually helped him get back in 2008 and just earned is driver's license last year (after a long process of preparing. The anxiety definitely got in his way for getting it sooner). He is still living at home and being supported by my parents, which is what I have been struggling with for years now.
Being the older sibling, I already felt the responsibility to care for him. I was taught that he was different, but I was never taught in detail about his diagnosis. I was always just told that he's just different & we all just need to understand that his behaviors are just the way he is. Not sure if I can blame my parents for that. I know that when he was diagnosed, there was very little knowledge about Asperger’s.
Now I am struggling with the acceptance of how truly debilitating his condition is and I feel there is a growing resentment I have towards my parents (for not continuing to parent him. Even after HS, there was plenty of help he needed but I felt they just thought their jobs as far as educating him done and for enabling him to not continue becoming an independent adult) and towards my sibling (because I feel he is taking advantage of my parents and manipulating them).
He is very functional, but like many Aspies, he struggles with empathy and social situations. He has very inconsistent filter and manners are not always there. But he balances his own checkbook, bathes, dresses and feeds himself (so long as my mother does his laundry & keeps groceries/supplies stocked). My parents even supply him with alcohol and specialty foods he likes and alcohol is probably the last thing someone with a neuro disease needs. He is allowed to be in his room all evening, until dinner is ready, come down, eat & drink everything, then retreat back up to his room when he feels like it. Sure he’ll help my parents with various chores around the home, especially the heavy lifting, but only when he’s asked and they don’t try to keep him engaged to become a more independent person, which I know would help with his self-esteem and happiness. The state does not recognize him as being disable so he doesn’t qualify for SSI, which should help my parents realize he can handle more responsibility. My parents did not even think to research what benefits he would be eligible for until 2-3 years ago, like mentoring programs, food stamps… If I had a child with this condition (which I am aware could very well happen with my genealogy), I would think I would have been looking into what options my child would have as an adult even when they are still a young child. I would think, even more so for a child with a disability, you would have to always be thinking a couple steps a head so that you can try to give your child the best chances for success. Why didn’t they do this?
I recent conflict arose when I finally sought out some help for some focus and anxiety problems I was experiencing. I was tested and come to find out, I was positive for ADD. I am very into eastern medicine and do not like to take pharmaceuticals, but my naturopath encouraged me to understand that this is something that I need to help with this condition. She also stated that I could have very well been struggling with it since adolescences but perhaps because of my brother being the child with the bigger issues, mine were overlooked. I revealed this diagnosis and information to my parents only to receive eye rolls and looks of skepticism.
I seriously don’t know what would happen to my brother if my parents were to die tomorrow. He would not be able to maintain their home or afford to keep the lights on, which brings me to my next issues. Because he is so functional and has proved to be employable, I don’t know why he doesn’t get a second job. My parents enable him to live the way he does which he would never be able to do without them. He saves his money to buy video games and comic books, not to pay bills and buy groceries like adults have to do.
Bottom line, my sibling is going to fall onto my lap when my parents die and I am going to have this privileged man-child that is going to be getting the loudest wake up call of his life because I won’t tolerate it. And to think my parents could have prevented it by helping he continually learn and grow. I know he can do better. I know he can do more. I know he would love himself so much more if could just get the encouragement and parental guidance he needs. He was so proud of himself for getting his license, you could tell he felt that he could accomplish anything now. But soon after, the flame of inspiration died and things went back to the way they have always been and I feel it has a lot to do with my parents not continuing the challenge him. They’ve accepted that they have a child with a disability, but only part of it. Not sure where else to go from here other than to leave the 3 of them to their demented, dysfunctional ways and hope that maybe they will figure it out one day. Until then, I think I need to walk away.

Patricia Grahame - posted on 05/18/2013

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After years of my own research, and after having read so,so,many books and articles on Aspergers, this is the first place I have read things that I find very,very HELPFUL !I can ,(finally !), IDENTIFY with Aspie moms ! You have no idea, well maybe you do, how relieved I am !
I was starting to think of myself as : stupid,unloving,lacking patience,unintelligent, (how can I not know how to relate to my own daughter ! ?),lonely,alienated, forgotten. I am a retired psychologist, having had a private practice for over 30 years,and have excellent relational and communication skills...but not with my daughter! I am a single parent of a 46 yr.old gorgeous, now married, Aspie daughter, classified in middle school, with what was then known as, Learning Disabilities.No one was diagnosing Aspergers back then in the mid eighties. Now,our relationship is almost completely eroded, we have short, strained conversations, very infrequently. I live 35 minutes away from her, and I have never been to her apt.on the Upper East side of Manhattan. I have not seen her in over year. She has huge rage isuues, and, there was a time, she could become violent. She scared and angered me.I was at a total loss.I have long needed some sort of "guide," for communications with her. I need to learn how to "relate," to my daughter. I do not want to lose her. I love her more than anything in this world. I have been suffering from depression for many years now, as I have not been able to heal or resolve this situation. But some things I have read here, make me feel so less alone and give me...hope. Hope at last !Any and all suggestions welcomed ! Thank you all for ...being there !

Lisa - posted on 07/18/2013

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My son will be 28 in October. He was dx in the mid 1990's . He attended a special school for autistic children until age 12 when he mainstreamed into a regular public school. He was not able to complete any college but did complete HS.
He is currently unemployed but not living at home. He has a roommate.
He wants to be a filmmaker along with 30000 other people who have a film degree or someone in the business. He is talented but....

My biggest issue is that he will not acknowledge his diagnosis and therefore will not take advantage of any assistance available to him. He should be getting SSI because he is unable to keep a job. He should be using VESID to help him find a job. He believes he can be choosey in terms of what type of job he should have. He will not flip burgers or push a broom. I cannot continue to support him financially. I am lost. My husband does not have any tolerance for my son and reacts to him as if he is deliberately doing things to upset him. My marriage is suffering.
Thanks for listening.

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Jo - posted on 09/16/2016

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One thing I have wished for over the years is a social venue for young adults with Aspergers. Ha! That may seem like an oxymoron, but it's because of their difficulty making social contacts that they desperately need a social hub. And not on line, in person! Of course there are as many differing degrees of social ineptness as there are people with Aspergers- just from reading this forum, it's easy to see some are devoutly religious, some college degreed, some have one or two good friends...but one thing I keep hearing is a lack of a significant other. And that bothers parents as much as the individuals.
Here in Minneapolis there are resources for social skills, but only for elementary age and younger kids.
Imagine a place the adult kids could go that offered a variety of participatory groups doing fun and interesting things, and was accepting of different social levels. It could be done.
When I say differing degrees of social ineptness, my son, for example, would not like anything 'social-servicy'; he would go to a place that is cool, however. I picture a place with a small bar and food, round tables for party games, maybe pool/foosball/bowling.
It would, of course, be a great place for Aspergers people to work too.
I know there are at least two other moms on here from Minneapolis with boys my son's age, and this would be a good city for a first location.
Who has the time or money for such an undertaking? Where would funding come from? A first site could determine what works- which activities facilitate the most social interaction, how can individuals be made comfortable enough to join in, will participation here translate to elsewhere?
Any thoughts on this?

Florence - posted on 09/15/2016

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My Aspie son is 19 years old recently graduated from HS, he has chosen not to go to college. I would like to help him be self reliant I think he is capable, however he has no friends and will rarely leave the house. I have asked him to get a job, but he does not seem to be able to leave the house to do this. He refuses to see a therapist. I hired a life/job coach to help him. He met with her twice but is now refusing to work with her. My problem is I work from home in a home office next to his bedroom, as the day goes by I become very irritated that while I am working he is just laying in bed on his phone. When I reach out to family or friends for advice I get two responses - 1, leave him be it is who he is or 2 he needs to get a job. Since he can not seem to leave the house to get a job I have been creating jobs for him. Sometimes he does them and we are good. Other times he refuses and I take away privileges then he gets more defiant and it becomes a war of wills. I am exhausted. I would like to find a support group for parents trying to help their adult children move forward in life.

Alison - posted on 09/14/2016

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My daughter went to college before we had a diagnosis of aspergers. She always had lots of problems with roommates, classmates, teachers but somehow, each year, she had one person who truly believed in her and even seemed to like and appreciate her. And we found that one person is enough. I'm not sure if it's true of all asperger's, but she has an incredible capacity to bounce back. Her grades went from A to F, I was very involved in her classes, even writing a last minute paper on Avant Garde art - she had taken a semester without actually realizing what it was (this was one of the D grades - Iknew what it was but hadn't taken the class and whipped together an essay from the Internet in a lonnnnnn night). So, it was nerve-wracking but she got through and even graduated with honours, thanks to foreign languages.

Tanya - posted on 09/05/2016

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SusanWaak
I have a 20 year old son with Aspergers. I read ur post and thought "thank God im not the only one"
I tried sending my son out on his own and it was a miserable failure.
He recently called me crying because he says he really wants to go to college and it wasnt working out for him on his own. I agreed he could come home because I felt bad to deny him a chance at a college education. But, I just know hes not going to do whats required to pass.
I want my own life too. Its so hectic when hes here and so peaceful when hes not.
College is going to be more work for me than for him. Its going to be arguments, yelling, swearing and refusing to get out of bed and get ready. Im exhausted just thinking about it.
Im so glad Im not the only mother who thinks "i want my own life". I felt so selfish for feeling that way.
Thank you for your post

Susan - posted on 08/20/2016

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I have a son with Asperger's diagnosed at 4 y.o. He is now 28 y.o. And trying to live independently. We, or can I be honest here? It's not we it's I- have worked so hard all this time to try to help my son become an adjusted independent man. He attended a great public school in Minneapolis area with TONS of special services, I've tried to get him to get a drivers license, go to college (because he thought he could do it) take post high school independent living courses with an amazing program, tried to help him get jobs through disability services, ARC and Fraser. I've tried pushing him, backing off and letting him try to handle life his way and I've ended up frustrated and heart broken at every turn. I let him live with me until he was 22 and I just couldn't take it anymore. I want him to be independent and I really believe he could be if he could just catch a break from "normal" people. He has tried getting jobs, no one will hire him because he acts differently. He lives in off campus housing unit that's not just for college kids but most are around his age, and no one wants to room with him because he acts differently. He feels, and so do I, that there's a lot of talk about accepting people for their differences, but when it comes right down to it, that's just bull... If you don't fit in you might as well be garbage. I'm so tired of people hurting his feelings for no reason other than he's different. He isn't mean, he isn't stupid, he isn't even around other people that much because he already feels they don't want to be around him. He is just a young guy trying to live a life. He's not perfect, but who is?
I feel guilty for not wanting to let him just live with me, I don't feel like it would be helpful in the long run, but I feel so bad for him right now I'm tempted to just say, move home. Trouble is, I want a life of my own too...is that so bad??
I just wish that there were more housing options and working options for people like my son. I want him safe and healthy and not feeling like he is so unwanted by society.

Michel - posted on 08/06/2016

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All I can say is, I know how you feel. It is hard not to be hurt when your child says cruel and vicious things to you and tells you that they were having a nice day until "you" called.

Michel - posted on 08/06/2016

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My son is 31 now and has been diagnosed with Asperberger's. He is mean and nasty to me and it hurts. It is like he deliberately says things to hurt me. He does not want to see me or spend any time with me. He lives in a different city and I see him at Christmas when his brother comes home for the holidays from out of state. Are all Aspie's this mean to their moms?

Pat - posted on 08/04/2016

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Keep loving them, but you don't need to like their behaviors. When the moment is right, when he's calm down - and you,too; then sit next to each other or face each other and TELL him how you felt hurt by ..... Let him know that you will not accept that 'type of behavior' toward you. If he does do it again, tell him again warning him if he does do it again, that you'll got into another room, or whatever you decide is comfortable for yourself to carry out. That's called .... boundaries. Make sure your boundaries have a consequence you can carry out and it has a gate that is open both ways. I hope this helps.

Pat - posted on 08/04/2016

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Dear Alison, I, too, don't think my adult son (40) will ever marry; he's tried on-line dating, gone on dates but it never turns into a long-time relationship. He desires to be married but I believe his odd, awkward behavior prevents a woman from commitment. We are a Christian Family; committed to God's values. I do believe when God matches him up with a kind, thoughtful young woman that he'll make a good husband, will provide financially for her needs and if she has children, their needs, too. That's my prayer.
My son has not fully accepted his diagnosis but is quite aware how it affects his life; he is fully employed. He is learning that he needs an employer that is structure (like government work) and still allows him to be creative. He works alone better, but is supervising 3-4 other employees. That sometimes drive him nutty, but he never complains to me. So far, I haven't heard anything negative from his employees.
My son has a good handful of friends (mostly Christians from different churches that he met while in college); he's very devoted to the friends he has. It's not how many friends one has but how they encourage and motivate each other to grow into maturity. Only his closest two friends know of his asperger.
One of the important part of our relationship... is that we show respect and acceptance of each other, where we're at. I have no big expectations of him; I try to encourage him when he shares a decision he has to make; his life is private - I respect that though I'd like to know more. Sometimes I don't hear from him for weeks; that worries me, but I learn to send text ... "I'm thinking of you, praying you're having a good day." and that's it. When I read an article from the newspaper,etc. that might interest him, I'd cut it out, send it to him with a little note. He lives 2 states away from us.
The other important part of our relationship ... stay in touch, no matter what.
He knows I hurt when he hurts, I'm sad and frustrated when he sad and frustrated ... we both know only God can help us stay strong.
It's important for me to go at his pace, than mine. Sometime, he moves faster than I would ... he does make good decisions, most of the time.
I pray that you'll find a way to communicate with your daughter, to encourage her that she's okay and she's loved. P.S. we adopted our foreign-born son when he was 16 months old, today he's 40 yrs old, soon to be 41.

Alison - posted on 07/21/2016

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I'm the mother of an Asperger daughter, 30 years old. We only had a diagnosis a few years ago. Her education had high point and lots of low points. She went away to university and once again, highs and lows. She barely passed but got a diploma in English teaching. She lived in different cities, always having so many problems with housing, roommates, bosses etc. but was more or less financially independent. Her living conditions were sometimes truly horrible - I found her electric radiator in her bed once because she was cold. After getting fired, she came back home to live after getting a tentative diagnosis of Asperger's. We had a very difficult time finding a competent therapist. She tried many jobs but always had problems because of unpredictable hours, locations, number of students, curriculum - you name it, it was all too unpredictable for her. After a few years of trial and error, she is now enrolled in a training course for something else which we hope will work out. Meanwhile, she lives with us. I find it very difficult - I disagree with her on so many fundamental things (she's an Evangelistic Christian, I'm not, I'm spontaneous, she's definitely not, etc. etc. etc.) Living together is okay but we have to be so careful. It's so easy to say the wrong thing and I find myself avoiding any conversation besides superificial things. Any advice? We consider ourselves lucky because she is quite high functioning and we think will be able to support herself one day. But she hasn't many friends - outside of Evangelistic Christians - and I'm quite sure she won't get married.

Pat - posted on 07/19/2016

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My son and I had many arguments - not loud but disturbing, rejecting looks toward me. I did not trust my emotions with him; so I learned to keep them inward. I'd go over my mind the conversation and look outside myself to check how it looks. I finally realized I can only help him intellectually. In college my son started a debate club, he was good at it ...so, I learned not to debate, I'd not allow him to hook me in ... I'd simply stop talking, look at him and let him know I'm not playing ... he gets it. Then, after a few hours pass, he'd apologize and he'd be forgiven immediately. Our son was 40 years old when he was diagnosed, but he had suspected. Life was not easy ... it almost tore my marriage apart.

Pat - posted on 07/19/2016

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For Erica Sawyer - releasing your son off to college is scary, but more so if he has asperger, like my son had. The college my son first chose was a large college with many activities and students; he deserve it! However, God did not let that happen; instead he attended a small, highly recognized IIT in Chicago where he graduated after 4 years with double major, Computer Science and Math. He liked it and soon was ready to serve in the military. At that time we did not know of his diagnose. I can only encourage you to keep the line of communication open; our son performs well in a structure environment. We gave one thing to do while he was gone ... call home once a week to let us know how you're doing. It worked.

Louise - posted on 07/15/2016

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Can somebody advise how I could communicate with my son without him assuming I am trying to belittle him. It always ends up in a nasty argument.

Julie - posted on 07/13/2016

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My son came to me stating he believes he has Aspergers....my initial response "you're fine". A few days later in a moment of silence something told me to look it up. My son shows every sign of Aspergers. It explained so much! Why is my 21 year old son immature, has had no girlfriend, no close friends just acquaintances he sees 1or 2 times a year, he has problems in social events, avoids conversations, empty look in his eyes some days, can't get through a interview, graduated hs with the help of an iep and me, failed college, was denied by the military, is medicated for severe anxiety, has problems with non routine smells, noises are frustrating, certain fabrics bother his skin, obsession on politics and video games......the list goes on. He gets his psych evaluation on the 19th and hope therapy goes well. My son does work full time which he's held for over a year(my husbands friend gave him the job) he lives in our renovated garage and pays rent. He's very loyal on these two situations. However my biggest concern, is I don't want my son to be lonely. He has a close relationship with me and his grandmother but we won't live forever 😢 He such a kind good hearted young man and would thrive on relationships if he could be taught how to build them. Any advice would be so appreciated.

Louise - posted on 07/13/2016

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I'm a new member too. 34 years have passed by knowing my son was different untill a friend introduced me to ASD. Hope to find help here to cope with the situation and boy! it is a relief to know there are many moms with the same problem out there.

Erica - posted on 07/11/2016

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Hi. I'm a new member. I would like to know if any of your kids have gone to college and if so, how was that experience for your child. My son is 17 and about to start college and I am terrified!

Pat - posted on 05/18/2016

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Rose, I don't know the pain you're enduring; but please know, it's not your fault. The thoughts that in your son's head (and in my son, too) are not normal and because of their high intelligence we can become intimidated and sometimes manipulated by their good intentions.
To survive, I have stopped trying to identify myself as part of who he is. I live as a Christian, know that God loves him and He is watching over him, wherever he is. I am available when he stops and realizes he needs someone to talk with. Shamefully, when he calls, my guards come up ... I am cautions in how I speak, encouraging him to get help - by asking him when was the last time he saw a doctor, is he taking his medication ... of course, in a gentle manner of concern. Sometime we converse, sometime it's a one way street, where I'm doing most of the talking. But, if that reassures him that I care, then it's fine with me. Keep loving him, keep the line of communication open.

Pat - posted on 05/18/2016

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When MT was growing up, I didn't know that he had Asperger; today he is 40 yrs old. From childhood to adulthood, I set boundaries. He knew what the consequences was if he stepped over ... which he did many times. I even asked him to set consequences, which he did with delight. Of course, those had to be approved by me. It was not easy but God gave me the strength to stay one step ahead of him. Today, as AS adult,he his highly functional, financial independent, but lonely because of his social awkwardness; though he does have wonderful friends, both males and females.

Pat - posted on 05/18/2016

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My adopted adult son (40) is highly functional Govt employee that has been recently diagnosed by the VA Medical of having Asperger. He is financially independent but struggles with relationships, especially in seeking a wife. He has many woman friends that are married or divorced; I guess they find him safe.
Recently, because of his chronic depression, he has been talking of taking his life. That kind of talk bothers me and he has promised that he'll not take his life until after I'm gone. As Christian, we are not afraid of the life after.
This year, I'll be 70 and I want to know how to help him. Our relationship from the beginning has been strained; I never knew why he behaved as he did; others didn't either. But, now we know - what a relief. I've become more compassionate, less judgemental and eager to support him in whatever he decides.
He is a fine lonely man, who desire to find a loving companion and be in a family. I am praying that God will provide now that he's been diagnosed. Pray also that he'll accept his diagnosed and move on.

Jo - posted on 05/11/2016

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Hello again moms(I last posted 2/23/16),
Well, dare I offer a glimmer of hope?
My son is 28, and hadn't worked for 2 1/2 years. We had left him to his own devices in a townhouse when we retired to Florida, albeit with frequent visits to help, and with total financial support.
He decided to get a job, sent out resumes- which was difficult and required some schmoozing since he hadn't worked in so long- and he got himself a job at a restraunt.
He has been working over 2 months now, and is doing great. I helped get him set up with plenty of work clothes, stayed there (at the townhouse) while he got started.
He was thrilled at first; he really needed a boost in self confidence. Now he realizes working full time can be drudgery, but he is still at it.
One thing I want to point out is that, although my son was not motivated to do anything around the house, at his job he works very hard. He has always been extremely polite to strangers, and that is a great quality to have at his job. They have trained him in as host, but he also serves and wait assists. His boss even brought to his attention a google review on the restraunt that mentioned my son by name, saying his service and knowledge of the menu was "spot on"!
Unfortunately, the restraunt is having some financial difficulties, and my son may be out of work again soon( I have to watch they don't short him on paycheck so if that happens, because he can be taken advantage of in that way).
Oh, of course everything is not 'fixed', but, damn, I've been sleeping like a baby for the first time in years!
So what I'm saying to you is this: remember our kids are slow to mature. My son never liked being told what to do, either. This was a decision he made on his own, without any parental pressure.
All I want is for him to be happy, and I think he has made some steps on his own to get there.
Addendum 6/30/16
Things continue to go well for my son. He has changed jobs- the restaurant he was working at bounced several of his paychecks, so I knew it was time to get out of there. A relative was able to help him get a job at a bar. Even though the new job was a sure deal, it was difficult to persuade him to leave the old job, I think because he had felt success there, and also because of some naïveté regarding his shyster boss. Of course my son's reluctance to do what I suggested came into play as well.
New job is going well. His dad and I continue to be happily surprised by very favorable evaluations of his performance,e.g. "Great work ethic- who found this guy?".
In thinking about this, I realized it does make sense...one thing I have always known about my son is that he has a will of iron. How else could he have stood so strong against all I have tried to get him to do for so long? I always thought that if could somehow harness that will to do good for himself, it would be a beautiful thing.
So what did it- what accounted for the change?
Was it me biting my lip when I thought to criticize? Was it leaving him to his own devices but with financial help? Was it simply a late-arriving maturity? I don't know.
But he is 'on his own side' now.

Cathy Sue - posted on 04/25/2016

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So sorry to hear that you feel the same dread that I feel about my son. As a parent, we feel guilty for having these feelings but we can't help it. We deserve to have a life with some peace but living with AS is so hard. I don't have any answers to help but I want you to know that someone cares about you.

Cathy Sue - posted on 04/25/2016

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My son is in his 40's and to this day I question if I am responding correctly because I don't know if he is manipulating me. This site is so helpful because we can see others with the same issues. Keep on caring is all I know to do.

Lisa - posted on 04/12/2016

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Its great to meet you too! Most of the time i feel all alone in this but it helps to know there are other people trying to sort through this very difficult and confusing situation.

Sharon - posted on 04/12/2016

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I am so happy to not feel so alone right now. My son was diagnosed when he was 19; he has been treated, off and on, for anxiety all his life - now we know it was a symptom of the underlying cause. He is high functioning which is a blessing and a curse - he will never join an "aspergers group" but he doesn't feel comfortable in "regular" social groups. I don't have any mom friends that know what living with a child with aspergers is like - it can be so very challenging. Great to meet everyone here :)

Lisa - posted on 04/12/2016

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I wish i could give you that answer... I have felt the same way for years, which makes me feel so guilty. I know there are places out there for aspie adults but my son will have no part of it....he said he would kill himself if i put him somewhere.

Penny - posted on 04/08/2016

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Hi I am a mom of a 20 yr old daughter, who has not been diagnosed with aspbergers, but I can tell you she had it, she is so socially awkward, she goes to college comes home and in her room she goes, wI'll stay up most nights if you let her, I keep trying to make her get a job, and still nothing, I am hoping someone will help me in how I get her into maybe a social group or something ,

Jaquline - posted on 04/08/2016

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Seriously try doing yoga with him, IT will help you and him at the same time it is seriously amazing.

Lisa - posted on 04/08/2016

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Im so sorry! I know exactly how u feel. I would talk more about it but my son just walked in here.. Great here we go!

Lisa - posted on 04/08/2016

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My son is the same way. Hes very careless with most things and its very common around our house for things to get broken (never his fault). I try not to argue with my son because its completely pointless. He is always right and everyone else is stupid. My son just doesnt think about his actions. I dont know how to change that. Its very hard.

Lisa - posted on 04/08/2016

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My son is 21 and i have a very hard time figuring out if its the aspergers or just him being spoiled or what. I dont want him to use the aspergers card everytime something doesnt go his way. Its just so confusing.. The whole thing. He blows my mind everyday with his odd views on the world.

Ana - posted on 04/01/2016

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You should have ignored it in the moment.
Then come back to it when he seemed calm and not doing a chore but doing something he loved. The fact he was doing a chore put him in a bad mood.

Toni - posted on 03/16/2016

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Thank you for the aspbergerexperts.com. I am going to give it a try. I will keep trying everything and anything that comes my way.

MK - posted on 03/16/2016

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I feel for you and can so relate! However, we can never give up hope! I came across aspbergerexperts.com who are two young adults who are overcoming their daily challenges by helping others and giving us tools to understand this condition and never give up hope. It is a journey and if we can understand their thinking and perception of the world - it might help.
We are working toward a plan to get our son to grab hold of his dreams and believe in the opportunity for a better and independent future. Good god- it can't happen soon enough! Living with someone with aspbergers is very difficult and we have to take care of ourselves along the way. Hugs!

Rose - posted on 03/05/2016

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I am a mother of a 27 year old son who has just determined that he has Asberger's. At first I was skeptical but after doing a lot of research over the last few weeks, I believe he is correct. For the last year, after a very horrible, heartbreaking visit with him, I believed that he had some form of mental illness and was at first relieved when he came to the conclusion that he has Asberger's. I still believe that he might have schizophrenia as well. He has not lived with us since he left for college. He was always a difficult child but extremely intelligent. I had no idea that any of the things that he is telling me now were going on. I feel that I have totally failed him although while doing my research, I found that Asberger's only became a diagnosis in the early 90's. He seemed to function well in high school and had a normal social life but he denies that is true. Since he graduated from college, he has never had a normal job and moves from town to town about every 6 months. He has even been homeless and living out of a tent in the woods. Our only connection to him is via a cell phone so it is very tenuous as he is halfway across the country from us. He has told us that he wants to be as far away from us as possible. He criticizes every part of our lives and is scornful of everything that we do. He refuses to seek any professional or medical help. He has no health insurance. I try to keep track of him on Facebook and will be relieved every day when I see that he has posted something, just to know that he is still alive. He has talked about suicide. However, he continually shuts down his Facebook account and then I am left hanging again.
While reading posts by other moms on this topic, I just sobbed because this is my life. I feel so alone. I have gone to see a therapist because I am having such trouble functioning in my daily life, knowing (or not knowing) what is going on in his. She essentially told me that there is nothing that I can do. How to I go about doing normal things and being happy? All of my hopes and dreams for this child have been crushed. He has so much potential, talent, and intelligence and it will never be used. Like someone else said below, he says he is constantly working on his "projects" but he will never be a normal functioning adult with a job, home, or family and it breaks my heart.

Toni - posted on 03/03/2016

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I am a mother of a beautiful 24 year old son with Aspergers. I wish honestly things were different. It hurts me every time I think of what he has to endure on a regular basis. He is a gorgeous person. I have been taking him to counseling ever Friday morning for a year now because I know he needs it, and he sees his psychiatrist every other month for his medication. In February 2015 he was admitted to a psychiatric hospital for severe depression. I honestly did not think I would ever see my son alive and if he was going to stay alive, I did not think he would ever be happy. My heart hurts so much. I have a "hippie" spirit so it was very hard for me to decide to put him on medication. I believe if we can find natural ways of healing that that is the best way to go. But, not in his case. He has an illness, like diabetes, or fibromyalgia and needs to take medication. He was on antidepressants and they just made him tired. My doctor one year ago suggested Abilify (which is for autism spectrum and really more for pediatrics) and it has helped him quite a bit. He never went out unless it is with me to dunkin donuts, publix, and errands, although now he went with us to Disneyworld, he goes out with his brother to the mall sometimes, and sits in with his family sometimes if we are all together. I have four other children who are not on the autism spectrum and are working, enjoying their teen lives, going to college. He does not work, he does not have one friend. It breaks my heart. I can tear up at any moment when I think of him. I can not ever be mad at him for this. He has Aspergers. I try to imagine not wanting to wake up in the morning, not being able to speak of all the brilliant things that are running around in my head, not wanting to hear sounds, not liking the taste of food, not being able to speak with people because the anxiety is so strong, always feeling "weird" and "broken", being afraid every day that if I lost my mother what would happen to me - would I be homeless. As he gets older, Asperger's individuals get tied in with schizoprenia. That scares him because he has bouts now of it - that petrifies me. I push every day to better his life. I will continue to do that to the day I die. Please be kind to your child. I read an article a little while ago from a man with aspergers who said because his mom did not treat him differently, and did not get mad at him for his obscurities, and that his mom was able to stay calm through his freak outs, he became a better person. Put in your city and type Aspergers or Autism and see if there are any groups around to do things with. We have only gone to a few in the last 6 months but last night he asked me if I could check and see if there was one coming up. This is the best site and most honest site I have read, that is why I joined it. I pray for all of us.

MK - posted on 02/24/2016

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I can relate to your sentiments about the feeling of doom when they are around. I'm most concerned about the future and how what kind of help (food, shelter and employment assistance) we can get him. If anyone is interested in connecting directly- I can be reached via email: jnmk10@gmail.com
Thank you!

MK - posted on 02/24/2016

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We too have a son (28) w/suspected (& ironically also live in Mpls) he won't get help and there is nothing wrong with him- we're the cause of all his problems. We walked on never-ending eggshells around our house and just hope that it will be a good day and we won't experience too many meltdowns.
This all surfaced while he was in College (graduated with dual business/finance degree and engineering minor from University of St. Thomas). He has not worked in over 4yrs and lives in our basement- up all night and watching Bloomberg news all day - apparently "working" on his next big invention that will make millions. Not knowing exactly what we're dealing with we sought out help a yr ago and went through a formal intervention in an attempt to get him in for eval and help. He declined and we had to go through a formal eviction (this is our son!!!) rather than seek help he chose to take off in his car to the East coast. He literally lived out of his car for 7mos. Before coming home just before Christmas- we allowed him back in our home for the holiday's (Big mistake) as- we are essentially back where we started one year ago. This is HopeLESS and have no idea what to do next! I'm looking to connect directly with anyone else in a similar situation. Who might be able to shed some light on our situation. God Bless us all!!!

Jo - posted on 02/23/2016

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Hi Moms,
My Aspie son is 28 with anxiety& depression, maybe ADD.This is what I do: bought him a townhouse in Minneapolis where he grew up since he prefers it here and does have some friends. My husband and I have retired in Venice Fl, where we love it, but son visits here only sporadically. Luckily we have air travel benefits since spouse worked for Delta, and we take turns coming back to Minneapolis, Dad to deal with insurance issues, getting him out for a few activities, and me to clean and restock food. I know we are lucky to have the options that we do.
My son is on a job interview as I write this, although it's been a couple of years since he has worked. Sometimes I come home and it's pretty picked up, but this time very messy, with garbage in the garage, not out to the trash, lots of laundry, dirty dishes, etc.
The one thing he does which drives me mad is not answer his phone or reply to texts when I call, especially if he is depressed( like for 4-5 days, with me leaving irritated, then pleading messages).
He is not maturing normally, but two steps ahead one step back progress. Not a lot of problems with angry outbursts anymore, but it is in part because I no longer challenge him much, and choose my words carefully. I try to appeal to reason vs criticizing his behavior. We went to as much therapy as anyone over the years, didn't help.
He is a smart guy, but the piece where he plans ahead and can hold on to that plan just is not there. It is not psychological, it is not his choice, he is not a bad person(he is a purer soul than me). It is a problem with his genetics, or neurotransmitters, or brain structure. Mental health is still in the fucking dark ages.
Spiritually, I have cried, bargained, cursed the universe. Like most parents I would happily die if he could live a happy connected life.
I know there are all kinds of suffering in this world, but what you suffer for your children has to be the absolute worst.
I do believe in science, and I do think there will eventually be something that can be done for our children, but maybe not in my lifetime( I'm 66).
So, I have no answers except that my love for him is very strong, and as long as I am here I will try to help him and hope he can live independently- with money I will put in a trust- once I am gone.

Michelle - posted on 02/15/2016

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This is a conversation that we have all the time. We try to think each situation through to decide but either way it is a teaching opportunity. They need to realize that they can't be manipulative that this won't help them to get what they want, this is not what society will accept. My son, although he still struggles with acceptance, has recently used the "well I have asperger's" phrase. Not an acceptable excuse as he is an intelligent young man who has a lot of support and people wanting to help him grow if he would only accept the help and guidance. Just know you are not alone. Maybe if you share a few of the situations we can help sort it out for you. Hang in there!!

TJ - posted on 02/14/2016

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I'm SO glad to have found this page! My son just turned 24; He was diagnosed approx 5 years ago, but is just now accepting help. I am separated from my husband mainly because he didn't "believe in" things like ADD, ADHD, Asperger's, etc. I can only handle one having extreme outbursts as a time. Therefore, I am the one that gets to deal with him on my own. So many of you are telling some very familiar accounts of day to day life. Thank you for telling your stories and asking your questions. Through this, I keep feeling like I have to reinvent the wheel over & over again. Knowing that there are other Moms here is great!!
My question to you all is this: Do you have a tough time deciding which is the willfull, manipulative behavior and which is the Asperger's? I frequently feel like I'm enabling his dependence and preventing his development in to adulthood. However, I don't do much about it since there are a LOT of things that he can't control. Any ideas or suggestions?
Thanks!

Diane - posted on 02/07/2016

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Hi, my son Ben is 25 and has Aspergers. It would benefit him if he could converse with another person that has the same diagnosis.
His email is cafeloco12@gmail.com and mine is dileodiane@gmail.com.
I am hoping to hear from someone.
Hugs!

Michelle - posted on 02/06/2016

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Hi! My son will be 21 years old in a few months. After dealing with, as you said "His response was way more emotional than it needed to be" for so many years, I'm one burned out Mom! If he would just let us help him and let us guide him life would be so much less painful for him. Even the psychologist he saw for about 3 years stopped seeing him because he just didn't see the problem so didn't think he needed help. It's just so sad to know you can't help your child!

Traci Lin - posted on 02/03/2016

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Hi, my name is Traci and I am the 47 year-old, single parent of a wonderful 18 year-old son with Asperger's Syndrome. I know that many parents start these comments off with how awful life is around their adult Aspie child and how worried they are about what may happen and I have days like that too. But I also have days that I am blown away by the sweetness my son exhibits. It is almost like the times he does act with sweetness or consideration are all the more sweet because they are not a regular occurrence,

My son's name is Luke and he is just recently been diagnosed with AS. Until about a month ago he was pretty much considered a behavior problem, OCD, ODD, Anxiety, along with intermittent explosive disorder, defiant, inappropriate, arrogant, narcissistic, unempathetic, and overall jerk. We walked on never-ending eggshells around our house and just hoped that it would be a good day and we wouldn't experience too many meltdowns. Anyone that is the parent to an aspie teenager or adult child will tell you that this method of maintaining has a slim to none chance of working and leaves us neurotypical moms and dads feeling adrenaline lagged and neurotic,

Now that I have a little more insight into the planet my son has been inhabiting, I am trying hard to see things from his point of view. Any help anyone has with this would be so appreciated.

For example, tonight, while unloading the dishwasher, my son was a bit careless and slammed the bottom rack into the washer. His aunt, who was sitting at the dining room table, happened to notice and told him not to slam things around, Luke instantly flew off the handle and started going on belligerently about how he wasn't slamming things and didn't need us on his ass about something he wasn't doing. His response was way more emotional than it needed to be and left us stunned.

So you expert moms and dads out there, tell me why he responded that way and what he was experiencing from his point of view, and how I could of handled it better that would have worked better for us both. Thank you, CoM's :)

Judygtanner - posted on 02/02/2016

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Hi Lise,

I am a mum with an 9 year old aspie son and looking for a forum as a form of support and advice for myself, as my son was only diagnosed last year. Did you find anywhere when you posted here.

Thanks for any help

Cheers

Judy

Yolanda - posted on 01/31/2016

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My son is 17 and every morning when I hear his foot steps a feeling of doom goes through my husband and me and we just wait to see if he has decided to be in a grumpy mood or normal.. he yells, screams and forget to have him do anything around the house... he is going to therapy and sees a psychiatrist since he was 6. His anger and looks has made us all lock our doors at night when we go to bed in fear that he may harm us. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel thinking he will have to stay with me forever and I just wanna die... his anger and disrespect is so tremendous it takes over our lives.

Michelle - posted on 01/29/2016

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It's been a while since I posted. My son did get an official diagnosis. He has been going to therapy for his anxiety/depression issues. He started taking some anxiety medication. He acknowledged he was wrong to quit the job he had with us before finding another job. Our business has since slowed some so we don't have a lot of work for him, but have been giving him some when we have it. He did decide to put of the marriage until he could get himself together, which is very positive. All in all, his general attitude has been better and we are glad about that. He still has had no luck on the job front, and now seems to think he can teach himself programming and land a programming job. We told him that isn't something easy to do on your own. Especially with his track record of not being self disciplined. We told him he would be better off taking some courses. He is supposed to be checking into some job training today at the local employment office and seeing what he qualifies for. This is a long road, especially when they are adults and it is so hard to watch them struggle. Hugs to you all!

JULIE - posted on 01/26/2016

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My son is 23 and we are facing the same exact issues. I wish I had an answer for you but I am asking the same questions right now. In some ways my son seems to act younger now than he did. He likes to be "right" about everything, no humility. We are working on it and I am actively looking up information for any help or advice that might be available. Please know that you are not alone!! Hang in there for the love of our children.

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