Parent of Adult Child with Asperger's Syndrome

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I'm hoping to find other mom's (or dad's) of adults with Asperger's Syndrome. My son was diagnosed after age 20 but I've known he was an Aspie from birth - just didn't have the terminology until a proper diagnosis. I would love to share experiences, frustrations, joys, set-backs and the perspective of other parents of adults. Since AS was only diagnosed in the late 90's, there was no resource for us while raising our Aspie's and I'm looking to network.

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Christine - posted on 07/17/2013

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Hi I just joined this discussion. I recognize all your issues - because I feel exactly the same way. I also have a daughter, 30, who was diagnosed with Aspergers 2 years ago - but we've known all her life that she was "different." Brilliant, odd, dresses a bit strangely, trouble making friends, intriguing, clever, wooden with strangers, etc etc...a person of extreme contrasts. How could one girl be so smart but have trouble washing her hair or brushing her teeth? how could she do well in graduate school but not remember to sign up for her final licensing exam? how could she have an advanced professional degree but then be unable to get a job because she couldn't make eye contact in an interview, then be working for minimum wage and even lose that job? How could she get straight A's in college but be incapable of paying bills on time or holding down a job in real life? Of course when she was growing up there was no such thing as an Aspie diagnosis. She was called "gifted" but was treated as "weird" by most people. A beautiful little girl, I remember her having a photographic memory, extreme hobbies (like being able to recite every word of the "Get Smart" TV show), a love of travel, a perfect singing voice, an uncanny sense of direction and almost no friends. I remember feeling so confused. Why wasn't she turning out like our other kids? Why didn't her intelligence and academic achievement translate into more success in the real world?
Now at 30, she has had many academic successes - but so many personal and professional failures. I think about age 18 was her high point. It's been downhill from there. I think she is becoming more disabled as she gets older. Has anyone else seen that?
The hardest part when they are an adult is the sadness you feel when you see the life you imagined for them (or they imagined for themselves) compared with their real life.
I see her life passing her by. She lives in a one-room apartment in another state with a roommate and several cats. She is unemployed and having no luck finding a job, and her unemployment is about to run out. Their apartment is so dirty, I was horrified to see it. She seems not to even notice the dirt and grime. Her teeth are getting bad because she won't brush or go to the dentist.
As many parents of Aspie adults, I also am very worried about her finances. She completely lacks common sense to deal with day to day issues. I do not want to be in the position of having to support her the rest of her life. I (and she) don't think her moving back home is a good idea and I am dreading the possibility. She does have this one good friend in her roommate -- and even one friend, as any parent of an Aspie knows, is a rare commodity. Any suggestions appreciated. Maybe there are no solutions. Just reading this board made me not feel so alone.

Jane - posted on 04/07/2013

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I have an aspergers son who just turned 21.
Why am I in the bathroom crying and typing to strangers?
My once sweet child has turned into a horrible monster. The whole house walks on eggshells afraid of saying something that will set the hulk in motion. This has been 5 years of absolute hell.
I am ashamed to say that I don't like my son.
Today was another screamfest with accusations and threats which started over nothing and I want to move out of my own house.
I know that I am not alone in this as I have a good friend with another monster son but there are some days when I can't take it.
I would be so grateful for suggestions or a cure

Lisa - posted on 07/18/2013

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My son will be 28 in October. He was dx in the mid 1990's . He attended a special school for autistic children until age 12 when he mainstreamed into a regular public school. He was not able to complete any college but did complete HS.
He is currently unemployed but not living at home. He has a roommate.
He wants to be a filmmaker along with 30000 other people who have a film degree or someone in the business. He is talented but....

My biggest issue is that he will not acknowledge his diagnosis and therefore will not take advantage of any assistance available to him. He should be getting SSI because he is unable to keep a job. He should be using VESID to help him find a job. He believes he can be choosey in terms of what type of job he should have. He will not flip burgers or push a broom. I cannot continue to support him financially. I am lost. My husband does not have any tolerance for my son and reacts to him as if he is deliberately doing things to upset him. My marriage is suffering.
Thanks for listening.

Patricia Grahame - posted on 05/18/2013

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After years of my own research, and after having read so,so,many books and articles on Aspergers, this is the first place I have read things that I find very,very HELPFUL !I can ,(finally !), IDENTIFY with Aspie moms ! You have no idea, well maybe you do, how relieved I am !
I was starting to think of myself as : stupid,unloving,lacking patience,unintelligent, (how can I not know how to relate to my own daughter ! ?),lonely,alienated, forgotten. I am a retired psychologist, having had a private practice for over 30 years,and have excellent relational and communication skills...but not with my daughter! I am a single parent of a 46 yr.old gorgeous, now married, Aspie daughter, classified in middle school, with what was then known as, Learning Disabilities.No one was diagnosing Aspergers back then in the mid eighties. Now,our relationship is almost completely eroded, we have short, strained conversations, very infrequently. I live 35 minutes away from her, and I have never been to her apt.on the Upper East side of Manhattan. I have not seen her in over year. She has huge rage isuues, and, there was a time, she could become violent. She scared and angered me.I was at a total loss.I have long needed some sort of "guide," for communications with her. I need to learn how to "relate," to my daughter. I do not want to lose her. I love her more than anything in this world. I have been suffering from depression for many years now, as I have not been able to heal or resolve this situation. But some things I have read here, make me feel so less alone and give me...hope. Hope at last !Any and all suggestions welcomed ! Thank you all for ...being there !

Whitney - posted on 02/18/2014

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Hello mommies. I hope this is ok that I post something here. I really would like to share insight on all the experiences you have regarding this condition. I am an older sister (28) of an Aspie brother (25) that was diagnosed back in the early 90's (I want to say he was 6). He has completed HS, has maintained a part-time job that a state funded program actually helped him get back in 2008 and just earned is driver's license last year (after a long process of preparing. The anxiety definitely got in his way for getting it sooner). He is still living at home and being supported by my parents, which is what I have been struggling with for years now.
Being the older sibling, I already felt the responsibility to care for him. I was taught that he was different, but I was never taught in detail about his diagnosis. I was always just told that he's just different & we all just need to understand that his behaviors are just the way he is. Not sure if I can blame my parents for that. I know that when he was diagnosed, there was very little knowledge about Asperger’s.
Now I am struggling with the acceptance of how truly debilitating his condition is and I feel there is a growing resentment I have towards my parents (for not continuing to parent him. Even after HS, there was plenty of help he needed but I felt they just thought their jobs as far as educating him done and for enabling him to not continue becoming an independent adult) and towards my sibling (because I feel he is taking advantage of my parents and manipulating them).
He is very functional, but like many Aspies, he struggles with empathy and social situations. He has very inconsistent filter and manners are not always there. But he balances his own checkbook, bathes, dresses and feeds himself (so long as my mother does his laundry & keeps groceries/supplies stocked). My parents even supply him with alcohol and specialty foods he likes and alcohol is probably the last thing someone with a neuro disease needs. He is allowed to be in his room all evening, until dinner is ready, come down, eat & drink everything, then retreat back up to his room when he feels like it. Sure he’ll help my parents with various chores around the home, especially the heavy lifting, but only when he’s asked and they don’t try to keep him engaged to become a more independent person, which I know would help with his self-esteem and happiness. The state does not recognize him as being disable so he doesn’t qualify for SSI, which should help my parents realize he can handle more responsibility. My parents did not even think to research what benefits he would be eligible for until 2-3 years ago, like mentoring programs, food stamps… If I had a child with this condition (which I am aware could very well happen with my genealogy), I would think I would have been looking into what options my child would have as an adult even when they are still a young child. I would think, even more so for a child with a disability, you would have to always be thinking a couple steps a head so that you can try to give your child the best chances for success. Why didn’t they do this?
I recent conflict arose when I finally sought out some help for some focus and anxiety problems I was experiencing. I was tested and come to find out, I was positive for ADD. I am very into eastern medicine and do not like to take pharmaceuticals, but my naturopath encouraged me to understand that this is something that I need to help with this condition. She also stated that I could have very well been struggling with it since adolescences but perhaps because of my brother being the child with the bigger issues, mine were overlooked. I revealed this diagnosis and information to my parents only to receive eye rolls and looks of skepticism.
I seriously don’t know what would happen to my brother if my parents were to die tomorrow. He would not be able to maintain their home or afford to keep the lights on, which brings me to my next issues. Because he is so functional and has proved to be employable, I don’t know why he doesn’t get a second job. My parents enable him to live the way he does which he would never be able to do without them. He saves his money to buy video games and comic books, not to pay bills and buy groceries like adults have to do.
Bottom line, my sibling is going to fall onto my lap when my parents die and I am going to have this privileged man-child that is going to be getting the loudest wake up call of his life because I won’t tolerate it. And to think my parents could have prevented it by helping he continually learn and grow. I know he can do better. I know he can do more. I know he would love himself so much more if could just get the encouragement and parental guidance he needs. He was so proud of himself for getting his license, you could tell he felt that he could accomplish anything now. But soon after, the flame of inspiration died and things went back to the way they have always been and I feel it has a lot to do with my parents not continuing the challenge him. They’ve accepted that they have a child with a disability, but only part of it. Not sure where else to go from here other than to leave the 3 of them to their demented, dysfunctional ways and hope that maybe they will figure it out one day. Until then, I think I need to walk away.

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Marsha Adsit - posted on 04/04/2014

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Angie, I just saw your second message and I have an idea. Years ago I attended a workshop given by Tony Attwood. He is an author who is wonderfully knowledgeable about AS. While I was there I met Karen Rodman. Karen started a site called FAAAS, It stands for Families Affected by Asperger's Syndrome. Today I found a book they had written a book together. You may want to check out those 2 sources. I am so excited and cannot wait to delve into their new info. Just an idea for you too.....Marsha

Marsha Adsit - posted on 04/04/2014

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Angie, I think looking at the big picture is important unfortunately I haven't been able to do that! I am like you. I think we are in an unique situation. We want our kids to do all the things that young adults are capable of doing but how does that happen with our kids. I just keep thinking we are tackling new ground and I don't know where to go. I like your suggestion to take time for myself (and I do) but now and then I feel a bit lost. I too have fibromyalsia. I don't have a lot of answers but it is sooooo good to know I am not the only mother out there who is the parent of a young adult with AS. Thanks for writing back, Angie.

Angie - posted on 04/04/2014

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Masha I'm in same situation. I can't see my boys in a group home or hospital or homeless. I'm hoping to set up a trust. If they are smart enough to leave home for a few hours. Take those hours, for you. It's hard. I know. I have fibromyalsia , My crohns disease is under control. Trust me. I get it. Your a parent forever. Will they ever grow up?

Marsha Adsit - posted on 04/03/2014

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I have 2 adult children with AS. We were fortunate. Both boys were diagnosed when they were 8. We live in a area where resources were readily available. Our school district was capable....That said, I am feeling a bit lost. Our kids were the first generation of children diagnosed with AS. We are still breaking new ground when it comes to concerns of socialization, employment, and responsibility when dealing with our adult children....I guess I was expecting and hoping that once my kids were out of school everything would become equal. They would find their way in the world and find friends. I guess what I'm saying is that I thought I would be able to step back from the challenges of parenting. I thought I had helped to give the foundation that would extend for the rest of their lives....What was I thinking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The way we parent our kids is still not like most other parents. So sharing is still so very, very necessary.

Angie - posted on 04/01/2014

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All parents worry. What will happen to thier children when they die. Their is a program called ignite. Look it up. It's through the Autism Society. In house or live at home life skills program. Maybe, Whitney and brother can look at this. Also, don't be upset with parents. You can do everything right. And aspies still don't listen. The trick is to find the individual strength. What are they hyper focused on?. Find a way to work that into the real world. For money and life skills. Also, my son can use a text or phone buddy. Torreschar@aol.com

Donna - posted on 04/01/2014

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I need support myself. My daughter has diagnosed herself, so I don't know if she really has it. Personally, I went to a website that listed 100 symptoms of it and it said if you have 80% of them, seek a medical diagnosis. Well, I have 95% of the symptoms. Still, my daughter doesn't live with me and emotionally blackmails me all the time. I spend so much time crying and then getting physically sick from trying to buy her love that I'm about to die, I feel. I definitely need support. If anybody can support me and help me breathe, I'd appreciate it.

Angie - posted on 03/30/2014

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Mine are 19,19,21. All boys. They were diagnosed at 9 and 10. I have a lot of resources. Inreach, Easter Seals, Lifespan, The Ark. Autism society, Nancy Popkins, ECAC, South East psy. Can't afford them. But, they have great doctors. The good doctors are cash and carry. Now Teacch of Charlotte will work with you. They are great. But, resources are still at its infancy.

Angie - posted on 02/25/2014

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Hi Doria, I am new to this site but completely understand a mom with a broken heart. We just found out 2 months ago that our 18 yr. old son has Aspergers or High functioning Autism. He also struggles with OCD. I am crying as I write bc I adore my son too. He has been such a blessing to our family. But when we recently moved 6 months ago his world crashed. He is having sensory overload (I call them attacks bc they are awful) all the time. We support, love and pray for him. I am exhausted. I have Lupus as well so my health is not good. He so needs a friend even by email and I need a mom to correspond with occasionally . It is so tough as you well know. I cry a lot wondering if his dreams of attending college are over. He had high hopes of attending MIT. We will find out in March . He is brilliant but so poor a communicator We are very sad bc unless we have miracle, he will stay at home and attend college here. He is getting therapy at a place called Brain Balance that "claim " to help Aspies. We will see. He is very discouraged that in his senior year he is missing 2-3 days a week. We are devastated but lean on The Lord. He is our only hope. Blessings to you, Angie
"The Lord is close to the broke hearted.."
Psalm 34:17

Sue - posted on 02/19/2014

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Doria,
You are the first person I have replied to. I am very cautious about privacy and most Internet sites. You are not alone. Your story is very similar to mine. I really don't know what to do. Because they are functional, they do not qualify for assistance. Educators and professors do not understand A.S. I am worried and just plain tired. It has been a long road. I adore my son so much, he has a kind heart...but, my heart is breaking because I don't know what the future holds for him. You are not alone. God bless you for standing by your son. He wouldn't be where he is today without your love and support.

Rebecca - posted on 02/13/2014

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Hello to all. I just googled, looking for a site for parents of adult children with asperger syndrome and this page popped up. I'm the Mother of a twenty-five year-old boy who was diagnosed when he was 7. I just read the posts above and I'm hoping this is an active group. Even though our son is doing relatively well at the moment, I would love to be part of a group like this in order to chat...give support and receive it. I think other parents of adult "aspies," probably understand all too well what the worry is like, wondering if one's child will be okay in the world going forward. I can really relate to the discussion about permits and drivers licenses. Our son has had his permit for years but we've discouraged him from getting his licence because he doesn't seem able to hold his concentration on his driving. I'm thinking about contacting our local driving school (where he's had lessons in years past), explaining the situation and paying for private lessons until he can concentrate consistently. When he's motivated enough, he can figure things out usually. And if he continues to make mistakes, then hopefully he'll realize that not everyone drives. His favorite TV show is "Sherlock," (the Masterpiece Mystery version) and I was grateful to see that Holmes doesn't drive there either!!

JULIE - posted on 02/05/2014

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I understand what you are going through. My son has and is going through some of the same things. We looked at trade schools but we have not found any which he could keep up with their pace. He currently is working at Wal-Mart. My husband insists that he get his drivers license (he has a permit) and that terrifies me!! Currently I am hoping he can just keep his job. He has to take the local bus and today they never picked him up so he will be very late.....not good. When things like that happen that are out of his control he freaks out and calls us screaming. Sometimes he will even pull on his hair screaming "I don't know what to do". Just within the last few weeks he has started back talking everything we say and belittle both my husband and I. Some of the things he says are extremely hurtful and downright mean. He also has been getting more angry about things as he gets older. If anyone knows of any mood stabilizers that can actually help with this and anxiety please help. In the meantime, hang in there!

Lisa - posted on 02/03/2014

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Thank you so much for your response. Knowing that I'm not totally alone with this problem is encouraging. Lisa

JULIE - posted on 02/03/2014

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We had/have similar issues with my son, now 21. We finally went through a program here in the Dallas Area (Dallas Area Rehab) and they were able to put him through some job coaching classes and got him a job in the garden center at Wal-Mart which he loves. He had no interest in driving until recently although he has had his permit for years. He saved money and just purchased his own used car. We are now working on getting his license which is a bit terrifying. When we went through DARS they did job testing on him to try to find something he was not only interested in but matched his skill level. All I can tell you is check in your area for any and all assistance available and use it if you can. Hope this helps.

JULIE - posted on 02/03/2014

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My son is 21 and we are having the same issues. Please let me know if there are any mood stabilizers out there that help. I am an emotional wreck!

Lisa - posted on 02/01/2014

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Hi Natalie, I know what its like to walk on egg shells too and the backlash of anger when I didn't do that just right. As a mom it shreds my heart to pieces. For our son, my husband and I have come to the conclusion that all emotion has to stay out of our relationship with him. We address only the bare minimal facts pertaining to his life that must be addressed. It appears that he can't handle any emotion, whether loving, encouraging or constructive criticism. He has come to tolerate a hug from me maybe once or twice a month and that is pushing it on my part. All emotion seems to register the same with him. I feel like in his mind his mom needing a hug or some general conversation is a weakness. Currently since this is a totally new area for my husband and I, we are constantly encouraging ourselves with facts. Our son is physically safe living in our home. He was out on his own for two years. He is going to college, though we do worry if he doesn't graduate the massive debut of school loans will fall on us. He does work a part time job, not because we want him to but because he insists. My hope is with moms sharing, like this, we all can gain some comfort and a better understanding of how to help our adult children who we deeply love. Lisa

Rebeca - posted on 01/31/2014

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My daughter is age 23 now and was diagnosed with Asperger's in college. I have been through so much with her and completely on the same page with so many of you. Over the last year the anger comes and goes. She was put on a mood stabilizer but you never know when it is working. During the holidays, I started feeling like walking on egg shells every time my husband and I were with her. This is my 2nd marriage and my daughter is always trying to pick a fight with my husband or tell me things she does not like about him. We went out to eat before Christmas and he said something very innocent to her about not being so serious and we were kidding about something. She became so mad and will not talk to us any more. I have tried to send her flowers and tell her we are sorry but she has such anger. I tried to talk with her psychologists but because of her age that lady will not help me. I have just been emotionally upset since and do not know what to do. Anyone that made up with their 20+ year old and can tell me how to approach it the best. I asked my husband to send her an email apologizing and he has agreed.

Lisa - posted on 01/30/2014

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Hi, This is my first time writing. My son is 23. Never actually diagnosed with aspergers but recently have come to believe he does. He was always different; like to be left alone, no affection, poor hygiene. This is all new to me and very frightening. I would love to talk with you and other moms.
Lisa

Nancy - posted on 01/23/2014

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Hello, I have a 27 year old son with Aspergers' and OCD.
I would enjoy chatting with you and can be reached by email at
nancy.cooper@rogers.com
All the best
Nancy

Chyrel - posted on 01/13/2014

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Rage isn't the word but yes I do know what you speek of. Like I said in my introduction I walk on egg shells all the time. He can say what ever to me and hurt me but if I say one word he is so willing to write me off. I feel for you I really do.

Andrea - posted on 01/12/2014

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I have just joined this board and can identify so much with your letter. Our daughter is 27 and was diagnosed with Asperger's at 20, along with anxiety and
depression (that can go hand and hand with Asperger's). She is a brillant young woman, was in grad school for physics but it has been a rough road these last few years. She has presently taken a leave from school. She is presently living a few hundred miles from us receiving treatment for an eating disorder.....there have been improvements. I wish you well.

Doria - posted on 01/09/2014

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I am hoping to get some support, advice, and understanding, because I am frustrated and don't know what to do with my adult son with aspergers. My son was diagnosed in high school with Aspie's. He is now 18 and has graduated from high school. While in high school he seemed to make progress, he was working with a specialist in the school system who insisted that he would be ready for college and would do very well. She insisted that he should go into teaching, because he would do well. We are now on the other side of his first term in school. He was very secretive about school, until we got his grades. It seems we were dropping him off (because he refuses to drive, has no interest in it really) to class and he wasn't attending one class and barely passed the other 2. He is now on academic probation (at a community college) with a 1.7 gpa. He has a part time job at McDonald's, that we pushed him to get...he seems to like it and goes every day.
My problem with him, is that I don't know what to do with him. While everyone else his age is growing up and living their lives, my son is content to do absolutely nothing. He has no interests other than video games. He has no friends. He doesn't drive. He doesn't seem to care much about anything or anyone. Everyday we have to remind him to do the same things, chores hygiene, etc. It is frustrating. At the moment, I am not sure that college is the right place for him. I feel like we are wasting our time on school. I have read about trade schools, but the problem is that he has no interest in anything, so what direction do we push him in? He doesn't do anything unless we push, and even then there is resistance. I am frustrated beyond belief, because I am worried for his future. I don't think he is capable of ever living on his own or taking care of himself. I am worried that he will never be about to hold a real job, finish school, get married, or live a fairly normal life. Has anyone ever sent their child to a special school that teaches them how to function? Is there therapy available to help them grow up? I am new to this game and not sure where to turn for help and not sure what to do to help him. At the moment, my husband and I are just banging our heads against the wall trying to figure out what to do with him and what is best for him. Please if anyone can help us, I would appreciate it! I don't want to give up on my son, but I don't know what to do for him from this point on.

Gaye - posted on 01/05/2014

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This is sooooo similar to my 26 year old daughter! Not diagnosed but I'm quite certain now that she has Aspergers. Throw into the mix a 3 year old grandson and drug use! Ahhh, she is soooo difficult to deal with I dont know what to do. I have suggested Aspergers to her expecting a negative response but she actually said she knows she's different and it would be nice to understand herself better. The trouble is, she would never get herself organised enought to follow through on steps to diagnoses.

Rosann - posted on 12/23/2013

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I do I am new to the site and see old posts hope for some responses I feel so alone

Rosann - posted on 12/23/2013

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wow your story sounds very close to mind, it is my step daughter. My second marriage. I have 3 wonderful loving children. My husband is also a wonderful father and she treats him horrible, but loves mommy dearest and they fight like crazy. Mom probably also has aspbergers from what I hear and see of her. It is the battle of your life. My husband has a 28 year old son who is disabled from a genetic syndrome from his mother. She walked out on the family moving from man to man which pushed his daughter over one cliff, the kids always lived with him. Would be glad to chat

Rosann - posted on 12/23/2013

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As an adult she would find an obscession and he is it. We have that with our 30 year old and it is a terrible situation she is horrible to him and he takes it. They love you but this obscession OCD gets in the way. You put your heart and soul into raising a child with mental illness its ok to feel sad but understand where this is coming from also. Pray it is a healthy relationship for her and she finds peace, then she may turn back to you. I do not see a light at the end of the tunnel for us.

Rosann - posted on 12/23/2013

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would love your perspective on things for my son in law who is married to my step daughter and this is so volitile we called the police the other day. It is she who does the hitting and he has become her parent and enabler. I feel the marriage which was the result of a child (who has passed from a genetic disorder) is keeping her from getting the help she needs. He is her crutch and will soon be deployed again. I want to help him an her.

Rosann - posted on 12/23/2013

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I feel my step daughter may be close to sleeping in a truck next to your son, we are so frightened. She is 30 and out of state, the rage and emotional disconnect the verbal abuse, filthy mouth become intolerable. She has alienated every relative she has put herself in a position of being alone within her cold heart and trouble mind. Would love to chat.

Rosann - posted on 12/23/2013

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I am desperate to find moms of an aspergers adult child. we are struggling so hard with how to deal with things. She is 30 out of state so HIPPA has crushed the spirit of many parents. Her doctor is great but we all have limits she is an adult (I don't agree age should play apart in this). Mental illness is sad so sad we are all helpless in this battle and government rules don't allow us to make sure they get help. I am sure this is not what God intended.

Rosann - posted on 12/23/2013

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I don't have answers but questions also, would love to chat and be some support to someone also struggling with this

Rosann - posted on 12/23/2013

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I would love to connect, my 30 year old daughter was just diagosed and we are terrified for her, her rage and emotional disconnect is scary.

Rosann - posted on 12/23/2013

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I would love to chat, my 30 year old step daughter has just been diagnosised, her rage is unbearable.

Rosann - posted on 12/21/2013

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My step daughter now 30 has just been given this as a diagnosis. The only reason she is on her own is because she was in the military. Her rage is the worst to deal with, she got pregnant he married her the infant just passed from another herditary genetic disorder on her mom's side, the marriage is just full of rage. We do not know how to deal wih these phone calls. We are in Wisconsin, she in Virginia, her mother Maine. the last 3 days calls regarding he is choking me, beating me, etc etc which we know is not true, she wants a divorce yet when he tries to leave the house she won't let him she blocks the door, she is obsecessed with hating his mother she sees them as enemy. Do you have rage issues, obscessions??? would love to talk to someone else.

Monica - posted on 12/09/2013

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My daughter is 18, she has been dx with ADHD with Asperger tendencies. She graduated from high school last year and has just finished her first semester of college. Every single day was a struggle and out of 5 classes she only passed 1. Even computers, which is a subject she loves, she failed. She will not drive and rarely wants to leave her room or wants to leave the house. Simple, daily routines are a chore now that she is out of high school and that every day routine that we worked 12 years to develop. I know she cannot go out into the world and work a regular 9-5 job, her anxiety would never allow that. I was hoping that during college she would find something (anything) that she loved to do and we would go from there as far as a future. But that seems to be a bust. I have accepted that she is her own person and love her for that. But I do want her to be a productive member in society, not lay in her bed and play on the computer all day and night, locked away from the world. But how do I get to that place without crushing her spirit? I just want to know that I have done all that I can for her and if I have and she is going to live with me forever and never be able to work outside of our home, then I am ok with that and can accept that. But if there is a chance that something out there can help her to be all that she WANTS to be then I want to find it for her. But I feel I am starting late in the game and I don't know where to begin...any help or suggestions would be great. God bless you all and your children.

Michelle - posted on 11/22/2013

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I would love to connect! My daughter is 19. She was diagnosed as an early teen. I am looking also to find other parents of older AS children/adult children, as I am struggling a bit with pushing or accepting....encouraging her to do things that make her have anxiety, like driving, or just accept that she will not be a driver.

Catherine - posted on 11/19/2013

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When my son was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome only a few years back, after his two daughters were diagnosed with pervasive developmental delay, it was both a blessing and a curse. It was a blessing because I finally had validation that everything that seemed to go wrong wasn't because I had been a bad mother. I cannot tell you how many conversations I had over the years asking me what my husband and I were doing so wrong that my child acted the way he did. No one ever seemed to have advice that worked, but they had plenty of advice that didn't. When I would try something a professional suggested and it failed, the response I go was, "You're a smart person--figure it out." It's a curse because despite his exceptional intellect, there are things my son will never quite get, no matter how old he gets. That knowledge scares the devil out of me. He is thirty eight years old, and his father and I still find us in circumstances where we have to rescue him. We are not going to be around forever. The reality is that we are enabling him to be who he is, but how do you let go when you know that at least some of what happens isn't his fault.

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lovely comment. we are struggling badly with our adult so -- no job, lives at home, hard to talk to...

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I have a 32 year old son. we have never gotten any helpful advice. things remain as they are year in and year out. Wish I could help.

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we feel very hopeless -- our adult son is unemployed, has no idea what he wants to do, has no money, lives with us. our marriage is being strained. we need help.

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this really hit home. our son, 32, is unemployed, lives at home, seems apathetic. how did your daughter find a roomate, place of her own without income. do you support her?

Betty - posted on 11/02/2013

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Hi my grandson is a loner on the computer with no social outside friends. He is very clean and follow instructions very well. At this time he have 2 jobs, because he doesn't want to go back and study. He is 25 years old and very handsome. I would love to see him on a date with someone that can understand him.

Maryann - posted on 10/28/2013

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I can relate, my grandson has been hurt a lot growing up, but you know I have never seen him cry. He is very picky about what food he eats. And right now we are having a problem with his hygiene because his parents didn't care about him. He had no guidance till now.

Mary - posted on 09/29/2013

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I can surely relate to Suzanne when she wrote about the disconnect between her son's outward feelings and the way he truely feels on the inside. This is a difficult one, and my son is e same way. It has been a struggle to imagine my son feels anything as he is so flat in affect and seems so cold about so many emotional things. I have to stop myself and remember he does have feelings (very deep ones, I have learned over the years), and not react to,his cold exterior. He is working on developing "charisma". Poor kid, it is such a difficult road... Thankfully his energies are channeled into some positive ways. It doesn't help that the world has little patience/understanding of his struggles. Thank you all for your stories. They are helpful in knowing I am not alone in my struggle as a Mom with an adult Aspie.

Stephanie - posted on 09/29/2013

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Get a pro bono lawyer (free) to fight for his SSI. Try a Legal Aide group in your area.

Suzanne - posted on 09/28/2013

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The lack of eye contact really diminished my college graduate son's chance for securing the jobs he wanted. I prepped him on ways to make eye contact. He did get. great job last month, but was just called in the boss's office to hear he was being fired for a lack of interest in units work. He has told me daily how muchhce loves what he is doing. This is the classic disconnect between what he thinks he is projecting and what the boss perceives. Any helpful advice?

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