Parent of Adult Child with Asperger's Syndrome

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I'm hoping to find other mom's (or dad's) of adults with Asperger's Syndrome. My son was diagnosed after age 20 but I've known he was an Aspie from birth - just didn't have the terminology until a proper diagnosis. I would love to share experiences, frustrations, joys, set-backs and the perspective of other parents of adults. Since AS was only diagnosed in the late 90's, there was no resource for us while raising our Aspie's and I'm looking to network.

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Rose - posted on 03/05/2016

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I am a mother of a 27 year old son who has just determined that he has Asberger's. At first I was skeptical but after doing a lot of research over the last few weeks, I believe he is correct. For the last year, after a very horrible, heartbreaking visit with him, I believed that he had some form of mental illness and was at first relieved when he came to the conclusion that he has Asberger's. I still believe that he might have schizophrenia as well. He has not lived with us since he left for college. He was always a difficult child but extremely intelligent. I had no idea that any of the things that he is telling me now were going on. I feel that I have totally failed him although while doing my research, I found that Asberger's only became a diagnosis in the early 90's. He seemed to function well in high school and had a normal social life but he denies that is true. Since he graduated from college, he has never had a normal job and moves from town to town about every 6 months. He has even been homeless and living out of a tent in the woods. Our only connection to him is via a cell phone so it is very tenuous as he is halfway across the country from us. He has told us that he wants to be as far away from us as possible. He criticizes every part of our lives and is scornful of everything that we do. He refuses to seek any professional or medical help. He has no health insurance. I try to keep track of him on Facebook and will be relieved every day when I see that he has posted something, just to know that he is still alive. He has talked about suicide. However, he continually shuts down his Facebook account and then I am left hanging again.
While reading posts by other moms on this topic, I just sobbed because this is my life. I feel so alone. I have gone to see a therapist because I am having such trouble functioning in my daily life, knowing (or not knowing) what is going on in his. She essentially told me that there is nothing that I can do. How to I go about doing normal things and being happy? All of my hopes and dreams for this child have been crushed. He has so much potential, talent, and intelligence and it will never be used. Like someone else said below, he says he is constantly working on his "projects" but he will never be a normal functioning adult with a job, home, or family and it breaks my heart.

Toni - posted on 03/03/2016

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I am a mother of a beautiful 24 year old son with Aspergers. I wish honestly things were different. It hurts me every time I think of what he has to endure on a regular basis. He is a gorgeous person. I have been taking him to counseling ever Friday morning for a year now because I know he needs it, and he sees his psychiatrist every other month for his medication. In February 2015 he was admitted to a psychiatric hospital for severe depression. I honestly did not think I would ever see my son alive and if he was going to stay alive, I did not think he would ever be happy. My heart hurts so much. I have a "hippie" spirit so it was very hard for me to decide to put him on medication. I believe if we can find natural ways of healing that that is the best way to go. But, not in his case. He has an illness, like diabetes, or fibromyalgia and needs to take medication. He was on antidepressants and they just made him tired. My doctor one year ago suggested Abilify (which is for autism spectrum and really more for pediatrics) and it has helped him quite a bit. He never went out unless it is with me to dunkin donuts, publix, and errands, although now he went with us to Disneyworld, he goes out with his brother to the mall sometimes, and sits in with his family sometimes if we are all together. I have four other children who are not on the autism spectrum and are working, enjoying their teen lives, going to college. He does not work, he does not have one friend. It breaks my heart. I can tear up at any moment when I think of him. I can not ever be mad at him for this. He has Aspergers. I try to imagine not wanting to wake up in the morning, not being able to speak of all the brilliant things that are running around in my head, not wanting to hear sounds, not liking the taste of food, not being able to speak with people because the anxiety is so strong, always feeling "weird" and "broken", being afraid every day that if I lost my mother what would happen to me - would I be homeless. As he gets older, Asperger's individuals get tied in with schizoprenia. That scares him because he has bouts now of it - that petrifies me. I push every day to better his life. I will continue to do that to the day I die. Please be kind to your child. I read an article a little while ago from a man with aspergers who said because his mom did not treat him differently, and did not get mad at him for his obscurities, and that his mom was able to stay calm through his freak outs, he became a better person. Put in your city and type Aspergers or Autism and see if there are any groups around to do things with. We have only gone to a few in the last 6 months but last night he asked me if I could check and see if there was one coming up. This is the best site and most honest site I have read, that is why I joined it. I pray for all of us.

MK - posted on 02/24/2016

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I can relate to your sentiments about the feeling of doom when they are around. I'm most concerned about the future and how what kind of help (food, shelter and employment assistance) we can get him. If anyone is interested in connecting directly- I can be reached via email: jnmk10@gmail.com
Thank you!

MK - posted on 02/24/2016

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We too have a son (28) w/suspected (& ironically also live in Mpls) he won't get help and there is nothing wrong with him- we're the cause of all his problems. We walked on never-ending eggshells around our house and just hope that it will be a good day and we won't experience too many meltdowns.
This all surfaced while he was in College (graduated with dual business/finance degree and engineering minor from University of St. Thomas). He has not worked in over 4yrs and lives in our basement- up all night and watching Bloomberg news all day - apparently "working" on his next big invention that will make millions. Not knowing exactly what we're dealing with we sought out help a yr ago and went through a formal intervention in an attempt to get him in for eval and help. He declined and we had to go through a formal eviction (this is our son!!!) rather than seek help he chose to take off in his car to the East coast. He literally lived out of his car for 7mos. Before coming home just before Christmas- we allowed him back in our home for the holiday's (Big mistake) as- we are essentially back where we started one year ago. This is HopeLESS and have no idea what to do next! I'm looking to connect directly with anyone else in a similar situation. Who might be able to shed some light on our situation. God Bless us all!!!

Jo - posted on 02/23/2016

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Hi Moms,
My Aspie son is 28 with anxiety& depression, maybe ADD.This is what I do: bought him a townhouse in Minneapolis where he grew up since he prefers it here and does have some friends. My husband and I have retired in Venice Fl, where we love it, but son visits here only sporadically. Luckily we have air travel benefits since spouse worked for Delta, and we take turns coming back to Minneapolis, Dad to deal with insurance issues, getting him out for a few activities, and me to clean and restock food. I know we are lucky to have the options that we do.
My son is on a job interview as I write this, although it's been a couple of years since he has worked. Sometimes I come home and it's pretty picked up, but this time very messy, with garbage in the garage, not out to the trash, lots of laundry, dirty dishes, etc.
The one thing he does which drives me mad is not answer his phone or reply to texts when I call, especially if he is depressed( like for 4-5 days, with me leaving irritated, then pleading messages).
He is not maturing normally, but two steps ahead one step back progress. Not a lot of problems with angry outbursts anymore, but it is in part because I no longer challenge him much, and choose my words carefully. I try to appeal to reason vs criticizing his behavior. We went to as much therapy as anyone over the years, didn't help.
He is a smart guy, but the piece where he plans ahead and can hold on to that plan just is not there. It is not psychological, it is not his choice, he is not a bad person(he is a purer soul than me). It is a problem with his genetics, or neurotransmitters, or brain structure. Mental health is still in the fucking dark ages.
Spiritually, I have cried, bargained, cursed the universe. Like most parents I would happily die if he could live a happy connected life.
I know there are all kinds of suffering in this world, but what you suffer for your children has to be the absolute worst.
I do believe in science, and I do think there will eventually be something that can be done for our children, but maybe not in my lifetime( I'm 66).
So, I have no answers except that my love for him is very strong, and as long as I am here I will try to help him and hope he can live independently- with money I will put in a trust- once I am gone.

Michelle - posted on 02/15/2016

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This is a conversation that we have all the time. We try to think each situation through to decide but either way it is a teaching opportunity. They need to realize that they can't be manipulative that this won't help them to get what they want, this is not what society will accept. My son, although he still struggles with acceptance, has recently used the "well I have asperger's" phrase. Not an acceptable excuse as he is an intelligent young man who has a lot of support and people wanting to help him grow if he would only accept the help and guidance. Just know you are not alone. Maybe if you share a few of the situations we can help sort it out for you. Hang in there!!

TJ - posted on 02/14/2016

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I'm SO glad to have found this page! My son just turned 24; He was diagnosed approx 5 years ago, but is just now accepting help. I am separated from my husband mainly because he didn't "believe in" things like ADD, ADHD, Asperger's, etc. I can only handle one having extreme outbursts as a time. Therefore, I am the one that gets to deal with him on my own. So many of you are telling some very familiar accounts of day to day life. Thank you for telling your stories and asking your questions. Through this, I keep feeling like I have to reinvent the wheel over & over again. Knowing that there are other Moms here is great!!
My question to you all is this: Do you have a tough time deciding which is the willfull, manipulative behavior and which is the Asperger's? I frequently feel like I'm enabling his dependence and preventing his development in to adulthood. However, I don't do much about it since there are a LOT of things that he can't control. Any ideas or suggestions?
Thanks!

Diane - posted on 02/07/2016

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Hi, my son Ben is 25 and has Aspergers. It would benefit him if he could converse with another person that has the same diagnosis.
His email is cafeloco12@gmail.com and mine is dileodiane@gmail.com.
I am hoping to hear from someone.
Hugs!

Michelle - posted on 02/06/2016

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Hi! My son will be 21 years old in a few months. After dealing with, as you said "His response was way more emotional than it needed to be" for so many years, I'm one burned out Mom! If he would just let us help him and let us guide him life would be so much less painful for him. Even the psychologist he saw for about 3 years stopped seeing him because he just didn't see the problem so didn't think he needed help. It's just so sad to know you can't help your child!

Traci Lin - posted on 02/03/2016

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Hi, my name is Traci and I am the 47 year-old, single parent of a wonderful 18 year-old son with Asperger's Syndrome. I know that many parents start these comments off with how awful life is around their adult Aspie child and how worried they are about what may happen and I have days like that too. But I also have days that I am blown away by the sweetness my son exhibits. It is almost like the times he does act with sweetness or consideration are all the more sweet because they are not a regular occurrence,

My son's name is Luke and he is just recently been diagnosed with AS. Until about a month ago he was pretty much considered a behavior problem, OCD, ODD, Anxiety, along with intermittent explosive disorder, defiant, inappropriate, arrogant, narcissistic, unempathetic, and overall jerk. We walked on never-ending eggshells around our house and just hoped that it would be a good day and we wouldn't experience too many meltdowns. Anyone that is the parent to an aspie teenager or adult child will tell you that this method of maintaining has a slim to none chance of working and leaves us neurotypical moms and dads feeling adrenaline lagged and neurotic,

Now that I have a little more insight into the planet my son has been inhabiting, I am trying hard to see things from his point of view. Any help anyone has with this would be so appreciated.

For example, tonight, while unloading the dishwasher, my son was a bit careless and slammed the bottom rack into the washer. His aunt, who was sitting at the dining room table, happened to notice and told him not to slam things around, Luke instantly flew off the handle and started going on belligerently about how he wasn't slamming things and didn't need us on his ass about something he wasn't doing. His response was way more emotional than it needed to be and left us stunned.

So you expert moms and dads out there, tell me why he responded that way and what he was experiencing from his point of view, and how I could of handled it better that would have worked better for us both. Thank you, CoM's :)

Judygtanner - posted on 02/02/2016

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Hi Lise,

I am a mum with an 9 year old aspie son and looking for a forum as a form of support and advice for myself, as my son was only diagnosed last year. Did you find anywhere when you posted here.

Thanks for any help

Cheers

Judy

Yolanda - posted on 01/31/2016

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My son is 17 and every morning when I hear his foot steps a feeling of doom goes through my husband and me and we just wait to see if he has decided to be in a grumpy mood or normal.. he yells, screams and forget to have him do anything around the house... he is going to therapy and sees a psychiatrist since he was 6. His anger and looks has made us all lock our doors at night when we go to bed in fear that he may harm us. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel thinking he will have to stay with me forever and I just wanna die... his anger and disrespect is so tremendous it takes over our lives.

Michelle - posted on 01/29/2016

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It's been a while since I posted. My son did get an official diagnosis. He has been going to therapy for his anxiety/depression issues. He started taking some anxiety medication. He acknowledged he was wrong to quit the job he had with us before finding another job. Our business has since slowed some so we don't have a lot of work for him, but have been giving him some when we have it. He did decide to put of the marriage until he could get himself together, which is very positive. All in all, his general attitude has been better and we are glad about that. He still has had no luck on the job front, and now seems to think he can teach himself programming and land a programming job. We told him that isn't something easy to do on your own. Especially with his track record of not being self disciplined. We told him he would be better off taking some courses. He is supposed to be checking into some job training today at the local employment office and seeing what he qualifies for. This is a long road, especially when they are adults and it is so hard to watch them struggle. Hugs to you all!

JULIE - posted on 01/26/2016

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My son is 23 and we are facing the same exact issues. I wish I had an answer for you but I am asking the same questions right now. In some ways my son seems to act younger now than he did. He likes to be "right" about everything, no humility. We are working on it and I am actively looking up information for any help or advice that might be available. Please know that you are not alone!! Hang in there for the love of our children.

Kristie - posted on 01/06/2016

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My son does the same thing, especially when there is someone else around. I have just decided to totally ignore him when he does this and tell him later what I thought and felt and ask him if he would like it if I started talking to him that way. Or I will act like I am him and he is me and answer him like he does me. He is especially good at ignoring me and not answering me, so I do the same to him when he tries to talk to me about his stuff, he does not like that a bit. So I tell him well that is how I feel when you do it to me.
One of the major traits of Aspergers is that they don't know how to respond to conversations and other forms of communication. I am always try remembering this and typically ignore it and talk to him later about it. And if we are at home, if he says something REALLY mean I will give him a punishment and also a talk about why he shouldn't be talking that way. So just keep in mind that they may not be doing it on purpose. They need our guidance in this area particularly.

Kristie - posted on 01/06/2016

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Hello, don't beat yourself up about not finding out til later. Asperger's just became more known, but I meet many people everyday that don't even know what it is to this day. Also, there are so many different fine lines to get an actual diagnosis of this and many are wrongfully diagnosed with thing like ADHD instead. The important thing is that you know now, so just move forward. If you keep looking back it will stop the many accomplishments that get made now. I have an 18 year old boy and he was officially diagnosed when he was 14. I have also found it very difficult to find any help locally as well. I get frustrated about this too.

Helen - posted on 12/27/2015

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I think my son who's 22 has aspergers but my gp does not want to know because he didn't present with problems has a child but is socially isolated has an a year ago and has ignored all his friends and is anxious has an adult feeling really depressed by this

Migdalia - posted on 12/26/2015

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I joined group for support. My daughter is 22 and is in the process of being evaluated for Aspergers Syndrome. As a parent I am frustrated that this was not caught early.

Jo - posted on 12/21/2015

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Hello moms- I wanted to share this article. No answers for us at this moment, but this article makes me very hopeful. As many of you know, no amount or type of counseling or therapy is going to make a damn bit of difference. The answer is out there...is just hasn't arrived yet.
https://medicine.buffalo.edu/news_and_events/research-news.host.htm/content/shared/subs/news/2015/07/yan-autism-4839.detail.html
Merry Christmas
Well, that didn't work! Try this: Google ' University buffalo autism Yan '

Lise - posted on 10/20/2015

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Hi Robin, that happened to me and it turned out that you need to join and be logged in to be able to see the reply button. Hope that helps.

Lise - posted on 10/19/2015

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Hi Robin, that happened to me and it turned out that you need to join and be logged in to be able to see the reply button. Hope that helps.

Tim - posted on 10/19/2015

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Thats great Anne. Keeping the right perspective is the everlasting fight for a parent of a special needs child. Hang in there with it all since it sounds like you are doing great.

Anne - posted on 10/19/2015

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Thanks Tim! I think you are right; lighthearted, consistent, and clear. If I'm not lighthearted, he could slip back into his depression by feeling beat up on. I just need to work on the consistency, so I don't blow when my limit has been reached. I will try harder to be clear by stating that the comment was unacceptable or unkind, and then move on to where we were before the comment was made. I use to explain how it made me feel, but that doesn't seem to work for him. He tends to argue if you say too much. I will go over this with his dad and younger sister, who especially feels bullied, so we all can try to be consistent.

You are a blessing helping me to keep things in perspective. As I'm sure you know, sometimes our better judgement gets clouded with frustration and stress. I wouldn't be here if I didn't love him deeply and want to help him succeed. Thanks again!

Tim - posted on 10/18/2015

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Hi Anne,
This is a challenging problem to face. With that said, I certainly don't think you are alone and see this as something very common. My advice would be first to commit to addressing this as an issue. Chances are, you wouldn't allow a friend or extended family member treat you like this so don't think that it is alright for your son to. Even though he has some special needs, the saying "You threat people how to treat you" is absoutely in play, especially since you don't think he treats his own friends in this way.

So you believe it is a problem to be fixed, the next question is how to approach it. In my view the best way to do this is lighthearted, consistent and clear. This has to be done lighthearted since all kids and young adults are wired to push adults away. If you take offense to these interactions and come in as the "heavy" it invariably ends up in a fight and no one really wins. Your son very well may not understand how rude he is being or how it is affecting the family. (remember how self obsessed you were in your twenties and you get the picture.)

Consistentcy has to be there so there isn't wiggle room. Once you have detailed the expectations it is also alright for natural consequences to be in play. For example, I dont' know if I would be rushing to invite him to the next dinner out. What is important to remember her is that you state what you expect and you acknowledge when it doesn't happen. These acknowledgments do not have to be fights, but more observations about when he is being rude.

Clarity is important since there can't be confusion. If he is able to be rude to you one day with no followup, but then you completely lose your temper when he does it again, the problem no longer seems to be with his actions, but with your reactions. You want all the responsibility clearly on his shoulders.

Chances are this type of behavior has been going on for a while so there is a certain dynamic set in place that will not go away over night. Understand that this is a process, but you do not have to continue to allow it with no response. If something has you stuck, let me know and I will happily provide any advice I can. Good luck. Tim

Anne - posted on 10/17/2015

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I have a question for anyone who has experienced this. How do you respond when when your son/daughter is rude and short with their comments? Appearing arrogant? We went out to dinner tonight and it seemed like almost anything that was said was responded to in a short condescending manner by our son. What was suppose to be an enjoyable time turned into a strained uncomfortable mealtime. We have tried in the past to confront it politely by saying lightheartedly, "that wasn't very nice," but that turns into a "I didn't do anything wrong" argument with him withdrawing into himself. We usually try ignoring it or change the subject, but that usually doesn't stop the verbal abuse he inflicts on his family. I don't think he does this to his friends, but of course am not always with him to know. I feel like the stress and anxiety he feels is released on us, his family. But don't know how to correct the behavior. He brings a lot of the stress on himself by "taking the hard road," not willing to listen to an easier way. Very frustrating and heartbreaking because he is such a good person. If it was anyone else, it wouldn't be tolerated. How would you approach this? He definitely has a hard time, but brings so much of it on himself. Suggestions or comments?

Anne - posted on 10/15/2015

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Hi Robin! I don't know the answer to your question, I'm new to this too! I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in your struggles. I believe each of the young adults represented here are at varying degrees of their own struggles. We as moms may not have the answers, but we can be supportive of one another and share what we do know. But there are times when we just don't know what's right nor what works. This is a very lonely time because only people who experience this will understand. Feel free to share, someone out there may have a suggestion and know of resources that are helpful. Hope this is encouraging...we know what you are going through. Sending hugs!

Robin - posted on 10/14/2015

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I've tried to respond to individual posts but my comments just show up on the top of the list. How can you connect with anyone when you can reply to them?

Robin - posted on 10/12/2015

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Your situation is very similar to mine only I have an 18 year old daughter. I've had her to tons of doctors and seen by the child study team at her school no one could pinpoint what exactly was wrong with her. I took her out of school and put her in online school for the same reason you didn't make your son finish school and that was a very stressful decision my stomach was in knots. I have a chronic illness which leaves me with a lot of pain and fatigue so everything has been 10 times more difficult for me then it was when I was healthy but I have been doing a lot of research and I can not find anything available in my area that will help my daughter. She is also I believe afraid of going to college and has no idea what she wants to study. She's really talented at computer graphics and has worked on doing art work for some video game characters that could have provided her with an income but it never panned out. I would love to see her use her talent and knowledge of the computer to turn into a career. I'm hoping that she will decide to study this in college or on online college but she really wants a year to decide. She just turned 18 in August so she wouldn't be behind other kids her age if she started college next September but I think she is telling me this just to get me off of her back. Anyway I'm rambling, I have no one to talk to about any of this so I could easily write a book right now. :) I'd love to keep in touch.

Robin - posted on 10/12/2015

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My daughter is the same way. She missed so much school over her lifetime, I would get letters all the time saying that if she missed anymore days I would have to go to court and would end up getting fined. She failed classes and had to do summer school every year. The summer after 11th grade she said she would not go back to school for her senior year, she was depressed and extremely anxious just thinking about it and she would raise her voice, slam things, break things so against my better judgement I let her drop out of school with a promise from her that she would get her GED. She then decided that she could not handle being around kids that she did not know and that getting a ged was going to be to hard for her so I decided to sign her up for online HS because she spends all of her time online anyway. It's been a very hard year but thankfully she finished school this week with a 90 average. She plans on spending her time staying in her room and playing on the computer and with her nintendo ds. I can not get her to do chores either, she won't even change her cloths or go out anywhere. She's had one job it was a temporary summer job last year and she has no plans on finding another job. It takes everything I have in me not to scream my head off at her. I don't have any advice for you because I can't figure this out either. If your sons mother is in touch maybe you could work out a deal where he lives with her part time and you part time. One thing I do know is these kids are not acting this way because they are bad kids it's that they get overwhelmed by everything so easily. I find that if I want to get mine to do something I have to give her one chore at a time and be patient if she doesn't do it right away I'll have to tell her for a few days sometimes and she can never do something as soon as I ask her I always have to tell her that in 15 minutes I need you too empty the garbage from your room. My daughter has been alive for 18 years but she is more like a 14 or 15 year old and I treat her very gently. I understand your frustration but please don't throw him out like his mother did that will destroy him beyond repair.
I wish you both the best.

Gayle - posted on 10/08/2015

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Does anyone think my son could possibly have Asperger's?Any thoughts are much appreciated! thank you

Michelle - posted on 10/07/2015

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We are having such a hard time with him right now. He is barely talking to us. We have a family business in which he worked for us for many years (we are small and only have part time sporadic work available, but at least it was something). He quit at the end of the summer and told us we should give the job to "someone who likes it." I told him it was inadvisable to quit before having another job lined up, but he wouldn't listen. He originally was going to go to seminary, but then changed his mind. Since then, he has been floundering around applying for all kinds of jobs he isn't qualified for (by emailing resumes around). He has taken to applying at grocery stores and department stores, and can't even land a job at those places either. It makes me sad, that he has a degree and can't get a decent job. He knows we want him to postpone his marriage while he gets help and finds a stable job, and he is very angry with us. So he refuses to listen to anything we say right now. I'll let you know how the appointment goes on Friday. Praying we can get him help. Thank you for the hugs and encouragement.

Anne - posted on 10/07/2015

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You deserve a big hug for helping your son graduate college! I know sometimes our efforts go unappreciated by our child, but oh what a difference this will make in his life! I like to think all our efforts have an impact, sometimes the hardest part is deciding what is right for our particular child. We are also struggling with the job aspect. I know my son does so much better when he has an agenda. As with anyone, it helps give him self worth. I'm finding that big things, such as job searching, need more than just encouragement. You have to almost hold their hand (without insulting their ability). I think fear of failure or rejection plays a big part in this. Heck, we are all intimidated, can you imagine what it would feel like if you can been ridiculed or rejected most of your life? No advice on this right now, as we are still trying to find something that works. But I do believe putting the tools in his hand, teaching and showing by example, and building his self worth play a big part in it. Good luck!

Michelle - posted on 10/06/2015

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You are so right! That is exactly when we noticed as well. I thought he was a bit "quirky" but chalked it up to his high intelligence. He always had trouble making friends, and then he was disorganized and would fall behind in school due to forgetting homework, etc. He ended up dropping out of high school his senior year and I pressured him to take dual credit classes at the community college so he could graduate as a "homeschooler." I applied to college for him as I knew he wouldn't do it. He stayed home and went to our local university, and did graduate, but since then has been completely lost in life and hasn't been able to move forward. That is when I thought something else was wrong and started doing research and realized Aspergers made sense. We went to a psychologist to do a battery of tests and we will get the actual results this Friday. I am hoping this psychologist can help him understand that marriage is not something he should be jumping into at this point. He will not listen to us, and seems to believe everything will magically work out - he has no job! And he needs lots of therapy, I believe. He has severe anger and depression issues, and I am praying we can help him along - I want him to have a decent adult life and I am so worried for him. I do feel alone, like you, and am grateful to see others are here, and we can help each other through these difficult times. xo

Anne - posted on 10/06/2015

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Welcome Lisa and Michelle! I haven't seen many posts lately and am missing the interaction. I'm sure like me, we all feel lonely in trying to figure out the best route in helping our young adult. My son has not been diagnosed, but I have read so much info on Aspergers I truly feel that is what we're dealing with. Some days I doubt myself because he is truly high-functioning, but I feel in my heart that since he hasn't outgrown his struggles and continues on the same path, we are dealing with something more. Because He is my first born, the school year challenges I passed off as childhood, growing-up problems. It was not until college that our life and his blew up, and the realization came that something more was going on. We know our children best, when and what first alerted you that something was not quite right?

Michelle - posted on 10/04/2015

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I would love to join as well. My DS is 22, going on 23, with a degree in History. We will get his results from his psychological testing this week, though I am sure he will be diagnosed with Aspergers. Cannot find a job, cannot figure out what to do with himself. Yet insists he can get married in January to a young lady who also seems to have some issues of her own. She works part time at Starbucks. He doesn't seem to understand how the world works, and how if he has no job, he certainly cannot be getting married. Very frustrating, given he is so intelligent, but can't seem to get his life together.

J - posted on 09/29/2015

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I realize this is circle of moms - I'm a dad,divorced with a 18 yr old aspie son that i have have been caring for by my self for almost 2 yrs. His mother kept him away from me and had enough of him and dropped him off at a friend of mine house, she called me and told me to pick him up from there that she can no longer handle him.

So not only has my son dealt with a rough childhood of school and battling with rage, anger, anxiety, depression, isolated, and bullying now his mother has just abandoned him. 2 years later Im struggling to even "breathe" on a daily basis- he only attended school for 20% of the time last year, and this year he is on track to do the same. His reading is at the 4th grade level, math is at 3rd grade level according to last iep. I have had him enrolled in a county special needs school and ended up sending him to high school with what appeared to have a GREAT ASD program- but that has not worked out at all.
I work many hours because of what damage the divorce has left financially and come home to him staring at the tv. If I ask him to do anything such as his laundry, dishes, vacuum (basic chores) he barricades himself in his room. Thankfully the rage tantrums and attacks are extremly rare and far between anymore. However I find myself really tired of dealing with his daily antics!! He will not do ANYTHING asked of him including going to his therapist or psychiatrist let alone wake up at 8:00 am to go to school.

Really starting to dread coming home and I feel like a prisoner in my home forced to take care of a son that is disrespectful, and lets me know how I treat him like a slave when asked to pick up his dirty dishes.Im outta rope here to tie another knot and just ready to drop him off at a homeless shelter. Its too dang hard to do this alone with nobody to even help or listen to me.

I pray daily for strength and patience because it is all I have!!

Lise - posted on 09/29/2015

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Lucy, exactly! I've gotten to the point where I try not to think about the horrible things he does to me. I try to let them roll off my back. Otherwise I'd be a basket case. You are not alone!!

Lise - posted on 09/29/2015

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Boy, that hit a chord. I'm having some of the same things with my 21 year old. They continue to surprise us, thank goodness!

Lise - posted on 09/29/2015

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Anne, you've got that right! I'll look into setting up a forum for us. Wouldn't it be great if everyone posted what worked and maybe even what didn't? Maybe we'll even work out some good solutions!

Anne - posted on 09/28/2015

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So excited to hear from other moms with similar challenges that love their children and want to help them. It is so difficult seeing them struggle when they are at an age we thought we would be releasing them. I certainly hope that Lise gets back in touch regarding the forum. I am also surprised daily by the strives my almost 21 yr old makes, but also heartbroken by the struggles.

Mkrackley - posted on 09/28/2015

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Lol what's normal? Certainly not my kids. I understand completely the frustration. I can't raise my child even the same as I raise my other children let alone compare to how others raise their 'normal' kids. I'm terrified of my 20 yr old ASer going to work or off to college. Even nervous for him to drive across town. Thing is, he's surprised me many time. I used to be afraid of him driving, turns out he's better than my other kids. I never thought he'd be able to return to normal school and catch up, but he did and honestly I don't understand how. Course, he only lasted a few years before the stress of constant change in high school became too much for him. Point is, he surprises me and I'm hopeful that will continue. I think I realize now,(try real hard to believe) that he'll continue to surprise me. He just needs to do it in his own time and in his own unique way. Patience may pay off. I hope.

Lucy - posted on 09/28/2015

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Hi Our son is currently aged 23 yrs and was diagnosed at age 6 yrs. He also has adhd and various other diagnoses. He can be a complete nightmare if we ever ask him to do something. The most difficult thing is that he looks normal and so most people just assume his behavior is laziness or nastiness. I have been in tears for most of the weekend because of his latest behavior which appears to show us he doesn't care about his family-even though part of me knows that he does love us in his own way it appears very much as though he really doesn't care.
I know what I need to do is to let go of him lovingly and not to try to assist him too much as it always backfires but it is so hard when i see him about to fail- I always seem want to stop him from failing.
Sometimes I would really like to talk to someone who might not judge but who may understand what we as a family are going through. I am too ashamed to tell my friends who have (apparently) very successful and neurotypical children.

Anne - posted on 09/28/2015

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I would love to communicate and share ideas with other moms regarding adult children with Asperger's. I feel alone in trying to weed through what works and what doesn't.

Lise - posted on 09/26/2015

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I think we're all floundering with different issues with our Aspie kids but many similarities. I think because Asperger's was only first described in 1992, there is not much information and we're all floundering in the dark. All the work being done involves early childhood intervention. That's really great as that's when it makes the most difference in a child's life and has the best outcome for a positive prognosis. But of course, it leaves us with adult children and no help.

It seems like it would be great to share what works and get support from other parents dealing with the same types of issues. I have the internet skills to set that up but want to know how many of us there are who would benefit from a forum for parents of adult children with Asperger's. Please let me know.

Mkrackley - posted on 09/24/2015

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Sounds like there are quite a few of us out there struggling with what to do with our now young adult ASers. I would be interested in joining a forum where we can swamp stories, ideas, info on resources, etc. My son is 20. Started taking him for developmental testing when he was 3 and still not talking much. It was the beginning of many years of many different types of doctors testing him for everything from petit mal seizures to schizophrenia. One diagnosis after another ruled out. Leaving us with nowhere to turn and no idea what to do. My mother-in-law found an article about AS and sent it to me when he was about 5. It read like a blueprint of my child. Over the years, there was no question in our minds that this was the root of the issue. However, never once did a doctor, or a therapist, or a teacher, no one ever seemed to want to accept it as a diagnosis. I've heard he is severely learning disabled only to figure out that it was the format of the test that was the problem. It required him to answer verbally which was the whole reason we were there to get him tested! He wasn't talking. Changed the test format to pointing, and he scored above average in every area. It's been years of a frustrating mix of "your son is doomed!" to "Oh wait, he's fine ; we don't want to talk about it." What am I supposed to do with that? In hindsight, I don't think anyone knew much about AS or how to treat it so we were just quietly ignored. Finally at the age of 17, after a few years of just doing our own thing and essentially giving up on a diagnosis, my son asked if I would pursue it again and help him find an answer. He was tested at a developmental center and FINALLY diagnosed with AS. Whew! Now what?!? He's 20, above average IQ, got his GED at 18 (with honors which I didn't even know existed lol) because he couldn't handle being surrounded by people. The stress and anxiety it caused was too much for him. He wants to go to college, but is afraid I think. Wants to be independent but is terrified of interacting with people. I keep looking for some kind of local resource that can maybe help him transition into a job or school. Lord knows, I'm no good at it. Poor guy. I'm a grab the bull by the horns and go kinda person, and I'm at a loss as to how to help him though I desperately want to. I'm afraid I may be incapable. But that's a different post. :) He's super sweet, quiet, and easy to live with. Both myself and his step-father have no problems with him staying with us forever actually (cannot say the same for our other 4 boys lol), but that's not what he wants. He wants to have his own life, and frankly, I don't see any reason why he can't. He just needs help in ways that I can't help him. Would love to share ideas ...

Lise - posted on 09/23/2015

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Is anyone interested in setting up a forum for parents of adult children with Asperger's? I just found this section but there doesn't seem to be too much activity.

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