How do I tell my 3 1/2 year old?

Michelle - posted on 04/04/2009

Hello!  I 'm new here.  I have a son who is 8 that was born with a unilateral incomplete cleft lip.  He had one repair surgery at 5 weeks.  The day he was born, my 3 year old asked his daddy why Tanner's lip was "bleeding".  It was red and swollen.  My husband said, "that's where the angel kissed him".  I realized then, that I had married the right man.  We called it his "angel kiss" from then on.  We had portraits done before surgery, so he grew up seeing himself in pictures before the corrective surgery.  Before he started school, we started talking about it.  I never wanted him to be ashamed of it.  We saw commercials on TV for Smile Train, an organization who fixed cleft effected children all over the world.  We told him that he looked like that, and got out pictures.  He has now decided that he wants to be a doctor that fixes clefts for babies when he grows up! :)  When someone askes him how he got his scar, he tells them.  We just listen, and let him do the explaining.  It's very liberating for me.  I had a hard time dealing with it for years.  We're having teeth issues now, and started with braces to move some around so the others can come in.  He just knows that he's a normal kid with braces like his brother! (who was born without a cleft).  Be patient...it will come to you, and he will understand it in his own time.  Hugs! Michelle

Vicky - posted on 03/25/2009

Hi, its a hard 1 as you have to tell them in a way they understand but not to scareor upset them..

My daughter was born with all her palate missing so nothing was visible on the outside..

I just said when she asked " that when god made her, the dinner bell went off so he went & had his dinner & came back thinking he had finished making her he moved her along the convarer belt without looking to see that hed finished making the inside of her mouth,, that seemed to help her until she was old enough to understand now we have a cuckle about it as shes a 20 yr old woman now.lol

Vida - posted on 03/06/2009

He may be young to understand, but don't let that stop you from talking to him.  Marie offered some great suggestions.  My son was 3 when his sister was born, he knew that she would look "different", we talked to him about the cleft lip/palate (we knew at 19 weeks along).  As far as my daughter is concerned, she knew for a long time now (she's now almost 7) that she was born with a cleft lip/palate, and loves to show off her photos to people. 

Let your sweetie know that our children, as well as him, of course, are perfect in every way.  :)

Marie - posted on 03/02/2009

We have always talked about it with our son, Drew.  We look at pictures from his infancy and discuss it.  I would start there- pull out pictures from when he was a baby and explain that all babies are made a little bit differently.  Some babies are made with holes in their lip or, in his case, it just didn't close all the way.  Explain that people have brown hair and blond hair, blue eys and brown eyes, long noses and short noses- we are all different.  That is where I started.  Just remember to keep it age appropriate and build from there.  My son will be 8 yo in a few weeks.  At this point, he knows a fair amount about his condition- not all the science of it per se.  But he even knows on a very basic level about his chromosome deletion!  We just try to be very honest with him!  I feel that this way, he understands that it is just who he is.  Then, there is no moment when he is 12 yo, say, where he suddenly realizes he is a "freak".  He will, instead, I hope, just grow up knowing that all people are made a little differently, him more so than usual.  Good luck, how ever you go about it!