Need help with Dad and not breathing/ choking anxiety!!!

Amanda - posted on 09/01/2010

When my husband and I brought our daughter home after 6 wks of being in the NICU, we were both scared to death. My husband didn't even hold her until she was home for 3 wks, which took a tole on our marrige. I truly felt like I was a single parent. But he always would tell me what I SHOULD be doing and what I was doing WRONG. Which would cause a fight. My daughter looked healthly, but would have periods were she would scream for hours on end... some days for 8 hrs and would be unconsoleable. I was losing it. I called my dr everyday, and would take her in to see him once a week. Each time he would look at me and say, shes just colicly and your a new mother she will grow out of it soon enough. Than when she was 6 m non corrected, I took her in for her 6m check up and said to my dr. "she isn't rolling over or graping for things... is this a normal thing for a 6m old. He than took me seriously, and said that no that wasn't normal and said that he would put in the call to the NICU follow up clinic... to which I told him that I thought that it was about time that I got answers...

When we went to the NICU Follow Up Clinic, the dr there ask us if she cried like that all the time... to which we replied yes, and he told us that if we did what he told us to do she would stop.

He told us at nap times and bedtime to lay her in her bed and shut the door and let her cry. He told us excetly what Amy had said. That she was looking for us to soothe her and by laying her in her bed it was teaching her that she had to learn to soothe herself. something that most premmies don't know how to do... My husband and I thought there was no way would be able to let her cry. We got home that night and tried it. Within 20mins she was sound to sleep and slept though the night. THan came the naps and bedtime routine, and a set bed time. things work out the why the Dr said they would. We were so thankful. I have told many people my story and I know that it has helped some. You could give this a try it does work. And as far as your husband not wanting ur baby to cry I think it is just a man thing... I don't think that they can handle it when a baby cries. My daughter is now a year old and my husband still hates to hear her cry, but when he lays her down and closes the door he doesn't reenter the room... best of luck to ya.

Schmoopy - posted on 09/01/2010

You've both been through a trauma. Prematurity is extremely stressful on the entire family! So go easy on each other. You both need support right now.

The other thing you should know: I read a statistic once that said around 80% of married couples whose child experiences a serious medical condition end up getting divorced. I'm not saying this b/c I think you and your husband are going to split! I'm telling you this b/c it was a wakeup call for me. When my husband and I were going through the aftereffects of prematurity, it helped me focus on keeping my patience and perspective in my marriage.

That said, you'll know when your baby is strong enough for you to let her cry. It's not uncommon for preemies to become overly reliant on their parents for comfort - many parents are afraid (like your husband) to let them cry. They feel the baby is too fragile. So baby becomes dependent on the parents for soothing instead of learning to self-soothe.

I don't have any quick solutions, just know that like everything in babyhood, it's temporary. It'll be over before you know it! Just hang in there - you'll work out the kinks.

Pip - posted on 08/31/2010

I've got twins that were born 10 weeks prem and we had loads of complications. My husband was a little the same (fear based) and it was creating friction before I even took them home. Then one day a dear nurse in the NICU turned and said to him "we have never lost one to crying yet". It really changed his ideas and helped us deal with the crying of one while dealing with the other. Good luck

Pamela - posted on 08/30/2010

One method does not work for every child. The best advice I read in a book, by Sear's I think, said you do whatever method will get you and your baby the most sleep. If you are doing the so called "d\cry" method, how will you ever know when your baby is sick, esp as you lay him down to sleep? I rocked my sone until he was 12 months old, now ay 4 he goes to bed all by himself.

Jessica - posted on 08/30/2010

There's a lot of research out there that shows that babies with routine feel more secure and happy. Also a lot of research that shows good sleeping habits now make for a happier and healthier baby. Perhaps if he saw some "evidence" that her fighting/crying now is for the greater good, he might feel more encouraged to support your cause?