Sad today

Rebekah - posted on 07/18/2009 ( 25 moms have responded )

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You know, I thought I was doing okay with the whole preemie thing. And then today I was looking through my sister-in-law's scrapbook of her son (who was born full term 2 weeks after our boys). It was amazing the emotions it brought up to see all their "bonding time" and the usual moments that happen when you have a baby properly.

I was very surprised to feel like that because I thought I was doing okay. But I'm jealous that she got those moments and we didn't. I'm sad that we don't have pictures of DH cutting the cord, of the first bath, all those moments we missed out on. You can't get them back. I can't do a scrapbook like she has done because we just don't have those memories.

I went and told DH how I was feeling, and whilst he kind of understands, he is just not good at comforting or knowing what to do when his silly wife gets emotional.

I don't know if it's just the day for feeling down, but now I'm holding one of my bubs and to see the scars on his hands - he's too small to have to have scars, but I guess it's proof that he was able to be saved, and it's because of modern technology and amazing doctors and nurses that he and his brother are here today.

Anyway, I just wanted to share as I know that you ladies will understand me. Thanks for reading.

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Dana - posted on 07/19/2009

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I totally understand where your coming from. Luckily as my son gets older it gets easier. It may sound cheesey but we have different memories that others will never have. With me it's when the billy lights were finally turned off, when he could eat with the bottle, not the tube, eventually latching on and breast feeding, coming out of the isolet and into a crib. coming out of the NICU into a regular room. I'm sure we all have many more memories and everytime something new or good happened wanting to dance around the room. I guess we can all have those down times, heck I cried when I read your post and thought of my experience, but we have to remember what made us smile. What we have that no others will have, what some others can't have. We can all make a scrapbook, our will just be different. Nothing against mother's of full term babies but, I think we have a special, different bond, we truly know how precious our children are.

Malena - posted on 07/19/2009

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I felt the same way as you but I feel that the lord gives certain mothers the challenge of a preemie because he knows are strength and the kinda person that we are. I believe we must make the best of everything in our life and you can still have those firsts and make an album of them. When we look at what others have or got to do it creates envy in our heart! Be happy for your blessings and what you have now not what everyone else gets to do. I know its hard to do but sometimes its the only way of keeping your sanity. Keep your head high and god bless you and your sons

Cassandra - posted on 07/19/2009

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I totally agree with you Wanda. I think parents of full term normal healthy babies sometimes take for granted the different milestones. While we truly cherish each and everyone and see them for the miracles they are.

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I understand and I felt sad for awhile too. I didn't get the natural birth that I wanted or to hold him when he was first born (I had to wait 3 weeks before I could hold him). I didn't get to take him home after a short hospital stay (we were in hospital for 114 days) and he was home for a month before I had my baby shower. What I did get was a real miracle and one I'm thankful for everyday.



When I hear things like "Nothigns safe once they start crawling" or "You'll be sorry when they start walking, they're into everything" or "you don't want them to talk too soon, then they never shut up", I just smile to myself and keep going. These parents obviously take for granted what they have, not me. I relished every new thing. The first smile, when he held his head up on his own, rolling over etc. All these things that other parents expcect their kids to do at a certain age were just further confirmation that my son was a miracle (there was a time when we wondered if he'd do any of these things). Just recently he started walking and I think it's great. He's even trying to climb the furniture. I think my hubby and I are the only parents in the world encouraging their kid to climb on furniture (it's building his muscles and helping with problem solving). We were at a friends house the other night and he climbed the stairs, he's never done that before (we don't have stairs). Instead of stopping him, we're cheering him on (I was close behind in case he slipped but I was still cheering). I think having a preemie has put things in a new perspective for me. We celebrate every new achievement.



Sorry, I think I wandered off topic. What I'm trying to say is that the feelings of saddness will pass. I don't think I missed any bonding time, we just bonded in a different way. My son has a scrapbook and a baby book to record all his firsts and 3 large photo albums that are already full. For his first birthday I made a video for him that cronicles his 1st year. It brings tears to my eyes everytime I watch it but my son loves it too. If he catches me on the computer, he fusses until I play his video for him.



This is a little long winded but I hope it made you feel a little better.

Cassandra - posted on 07/19/2009

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I understand where you are coming from. I get sad in thinking about those memories as well as no knowing what labor is and the whole "honey it's time" moment, my hubby not getting to be with me, not hearing that first cry, and the fact that all my family seen him before I ever did. I had to wait a day and a half later to see him and a week to even hold him. I get emotional when I think of these moments I missed..so when my mind starts heading that way I try to change it's course to other things.

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Karen - posted on 08/08/2009

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I know exactly how you feel. My son was born at 25 weeks gestation weighing 1lb 15 ounces. He was in the NICU for 3 1/2 months. For the longest time I hated to see pregnant women especially when you would see them doing the tour at the hospital, because I never made it to the lamaze classes. I also didn't like to see the full term babies coming into the NICU to go under the lights and then later that day or the next day going home. It is a an emotional rollercoaster us preemie parents go through and no one else can understand but other parents of premature babies. I didn't get to hold my son until 28 days later, that was really hard because I would see other moms holding their babies who were born that day or a couple of days later.

Nina - posted on 07/28/2009

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My daughter was born at 25 weeks was only 1lb 13 oz and just over 12 1/2 inches long. I started to feel some of the same feelings you are having. The NICU where she stayed had a March of Dimes Rep. on site. They held a Scrapbooking nite twice a month and provided everything but the pictures. I can still remember the first time I was able to give Taylor a bath. It was only with a wash cloth the first time, and then there was the first time I was able to set her in dish-pan for a bath(of course the nurses where there to help if needed). I realized that I didn't have the normal firsts most parents get to enjoy with their new baby, I felt all of my firsts had so much more meaning. The one thing I can't seem to get over is the feeling I missed out on 1/3 of my pregnancy. Keep your head up and try to enjoy all those first moments when the time does come and you can experience them.

Tonya - posted on 07/27/2009

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I went through a lot of "down" days when Ana was still in the hospital. Three and a half months of having to drive almost an hour just to see my baby, and no one else seemed to understand how I felt about NOT being able to take my baby home with me from the hospital. You get so grateful that they made it and did come home (there are so many little ones that don't)... but there are the days when you just wish you'd been able to hold them for more than a couple of minutes at a time.. that you had been able to give them a bath without worrying about all the tubes and wires and oxygen... that you could have breast fed them naturally instead of through a tube...

We do understand, because all of us have had those feelings. You aren't a bad person for being a little jealous and it doesn't mean you aren't happy with your small one the way they are- itjust means that the universe didnt' give you everything you wanted and you are sad to have missed those things.

Dawn - posted on 07/26/2009

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I understand completely how you feel. Having had 3 singletons at term, my experienc with my girls couldn't have been more different. They were in the nicu/scbu for almost 12 weeks. I found the whole bonding process very difficult in the beginning. My triplets are covered with tiny scars on their hands, feet, arms and legs, but its a small price to pay for having them here now 7 years later.

Emma - posted on 07/26/2009

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I know exactly how you feel. My daughter was 5 weeks early b/c I was very ill whilst carrying her and if I'm honest it was a matter of life or death for us both. I was hooked up to so many drips that I couldn't think. I wasn't allowed to hold, feed or bath her for a couple of days b/c I was so ill and when I was finally recovering she was put in a billirubin bed to stop her jaundice and she wasn't able to come out even for feeds just for her dirty nappy to be changed and then she had t ogo straight back. Sometimes I still get emotional even though she's 15months but I assure you things do get easier. I was always so happy when she reached milestones. And I'm really proud of her :)

Holley - posted on 07/25/2009

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WOW... It is one of the hardest parts of having a baby who is Preterm. My oldest was late and I got all those amazing photos - My son was 5 wks early - but healthy and got them again with him. However the 2 youngest dont. Shelby went to NICU and was ok to hold that day. Victoria was 8 1/2 wks early and I did not get to see her till over 6 hours after her birth. They brought me a stupid picture! Like that helped!
Now she is 6, and we are VERY close! I was able to cuddle and spend every waking hour with her, as I had amazing family who helped with the oldest 3! I thank God every day for her health and our bond.
So in short, due to our experiences... my husband decided she would be it. I wish the best of luck to all of you venturing out into the Child rearing again!

Cherie - posted on 07/24/2009

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My twins were born at 27 weeks and in the NICU for 4 months. They both have scars from surgeries that saved their lives. I have a daughter and son and they are two now. I still think about what we have been through on a daily basis. I don't think anyone understands unless they have been there. I always tell people that I wish I went threw a full labour and had them naturally. People think I am crazy, just miss all those things.

Janie - posted on 07/23/2009

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My preemie is now 20 years old and all first 6 months problems were forgotten loooooong ago as we watched him improve every day. Of all 4 of my children he was the healthiest growing up (after that first year). I know how hard it is to touch those little scars, to only be able to stroke them as they lay in the incubator and to be in the NICU waiting room when other parents leave empty handed after the nurses give them bad news.......but, this time in your lives passes VERY quickly and before you know it those babies will be in school. You have many years of bonding time ahead of you and with those years behind me, I get just a little sad too. You also might want to check with your Dr. and see if you are having a touch of post partum blues. It is very common in women who have delivered preemies. Hope some of this helps.

Tracie - posted on 07/23/2009

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I do understand your sadness, The sadness I felt when my twins were preemie (27wks) was a little different, my daughter passed away 28 hours later, and my son struggled, I think going through that helped me and other moms, to not take the little things for granted. You see moms with full term infants complain about dirty diapers and other stuff, where as we are thank ful to beable to change them, clean them, chase them around if we must, because we know how easy it would've been to lose them. The first time they let me bath my son was the happiest I've been, or the first time I changed him, or held him, we have our first memories, yes their different, but that makes us most thankful for them. My son is now 11 years old with mild Cerebrel Palsy, and I'm just thankful he was able to fight to live, he was supposed to die according to the doctors, but here he is. he's still doing first for him also. It brings tears to my eyes knowing how bad he had to fight, and he still fights today, but he's an honor roll student now in reg education school,with some special ed help of course. That was a big step for him, he is so proud. these are the first we'll never take for granted.

Lindsay - posted on 07/22/2009

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This is something all moms of preemies deal with...I think I am ok with missing most things, but I am very sad when I think of missing out on labor and stuff...and since I had an emergency c-section...it is a classic cut and I will have to always have a c-section. I try to stay positive by telling myself that it doesn't matter how J came into the world all that matters is that she is healthy now and happy!

Estell - posted on 07/22/2009

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ya know, as sad as it is that we've missed out on those "first", us preemie parents have "first" that are uniquely ours. Like, the first time that took a breath on their own, or the first time YOU fed them from a bottle, the first real cry, the first time you got to hold them, and not just their little finger. While my husband and i don't have pictures of B's first bath, we still know we gave it to here, and while my husband didn't cut the cord, he was still there. And when our little babies take their first steps, it's truely a mircle, their first words will never be taken for granted, ALL of the "first" we get with our preemies, are that much more meaningful because we know all too well that we almost lost our "firsts". Ya know, i have TONs of NICU photos, but none are in her photo album because they're MY FIRST, firsts that no one, but a NICU mommy's gonna understand.

Andrea - posted on 07/22/2009

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My preemie is now a healthy, smart, athletic, big-for-his age 10 year old. There are still days that it makes me so sad that I missed out on so much of the typical experience. Make a page out of his NICU pics! As your child gets older and you add so many memories and accomplishments to his scrapbook, you will tell him how he had to fight and overcome so much in his first few weeks. It will be such a source of pride for both of you!

Linda - posted on 07/21/2009

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i think that we are the lucky people our babies where babies for longer plus the one thing that our babies have is the strenght to fight. i think that those babies who are born premmie go through life a lot stronger in ways then normal babies. by the way my premmie is nearly 18 years old and as healthy as she is also a fighter keep your chin up ladies for we have very specail gift given to us

Traci - posted on 07/21/2009

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I know how you feel! My first was only in the NICU for 3 weeks but I still missed alot. My Third was in the NICU for 18 weeks and has scars from head to toe. I never thought she would be mine and I look at the albums I have of my second child and I get sad at those "firsts" I missed. Hubbys don't understand either. I just remember that Heidi made it she is mine now and there are first things with her that are that more special!

Kara - posted on 07/21/2009

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The boys were in the NICU for 11 and 12 weeks and I remeber thingking that if I saw one more carseat come in for the test I was gunna break down, but now I look and see that everything that they did to get out of there only made it more worth while to have them home. I did feel robbed when the twins were born at 27 weeks and I felt guilty and everything else. But I agree with the other moms. We have a different bond with our preemies. My mom used to say to me to try to keep me positive that not everyone was lucky enough to keep their babies as babies longer than usual and we were special enough and the babies needed us to meet them a little earlier to keep them strong. Feel free to make a scrap book of their first diaper, binky, eye patches and through in a preemie onsie and show off all the accomplishments that your baby has made. That is something we have and something "full term" , I love my 7 year old full term, babies dont have! Dont feel sad, feel amazed that we watched our children grow and thrive when they didnt have everything going for them and they survived and are fighters!! Sorry, went on a long wind there. Hope I didnt upset any one!!

Jill - posted on 07/21/2009

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My son is 19 months old, and I still have those moments. I sometimes feel like I was cheated. That I didn't get to go full term, or have a happy planned delivery. But then I stop and think, my son would have died, had I waited one day to say that something was wrong. So I think of him as a miracle. While I don't have the nice cutesie pictures, I have an amazing story of my miracle son. That is something that not many people have.

Sarah - posted on 07/20/2009

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I know how you feel. My preeclampsia came on suddenly & then my kidneys started to fail, so I had to deliver 6 weeks early. I didn't get to hold my daughter after she was born. I didn't get to "ooh" & "ahh" over every little time she moved or made a sound. My husband was able to cut the cord, but we weren't able to hold her until the next day. Even then, we weren't able to hold her for very long because she was jaundice & she needed to stay under the lights. It was a heartbreaking experience, but we are thankful that she was able to come home after only 10 days. Now, I cherish every moment. I probably take too many pictures or fawn over her newest acheivements, but my husband & I were afraid that we were going to lose her or something terrible was going to go wrong. I often got emotional during those 10 days, just because I didn't know what to expect. I also felt like I couldn't bond with my daughter because there were always drs or nurses around, waiting to do a test. Keep your head up & count your blessings =]

Debbi - posted on 07/20/2009

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I have heard what parents experience after a NICU stay described as Post Traumatic Stress Syndrom. And I totally know I experience it when I look back to the time my son was there which was 108 days. There are certain memories that I have that just send me into a crying spell. But we know what a miracle he is and what a joy to have experienced every moment we've had him. It certainly is a tough time, but I certainly do feel that I appreciate every smile, second, hug, squeal, etc from him too. Probably more so than if we had a full term pregnancy and such.

Shannon - posted on 07/20/2009

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I feel the same way about other mothers at the NICU. My son was born 3 weeks ago and seeing other babies come in and out of the NICU everyday is so hard. I want to just take my son home with me and cannot do that until he starts digesting his milk. I get upset when I see a baby come in the NICU and leave a day or two later. Just doesn't seem fair to me that my son is still in there.

My daughter was born naturally 4 years ago, she was full term. I have more memories of her being born and taking her home after 3 days. Now that my son is in the NICU, I too feel like I've been robbed of being his mother. I feel like he knows the nurses more than me. I know that's not true but it's just the way I'm feeling. I cannot wait to take him home so we can start our family together.

[deleted account]

Are those your boys in your profile pic? They are adorable.



P.S. my son has scars on his hands to from all the IVs.

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