Am I the wrong or did I have the right?

Emma - posted on 05/01/2010 ( 21 moms have responded )

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So, my MIL came yesterday, everything was going well until she mocked my husband. He had previously asked her to call our daughter Jayne, not Jayne with a y, my little sweetheart, my little chicken or any other name as she had started not responding to us when we called her name. Anyway, she called her my little girl and then turned to her sister in a horrible way and said 'oh I'm not meant to say anything like that am I?'

well, this had been going on for sometime and not only that she had previously told my husband, whilst hugging him goodbye, on many occasions to lose weight, shift his belly or some other snide comment and it has been going on since I've known him which is 6years in Jan.

Also, she has previously looked down her nose at me, as I was 19 when I had our first daughter, told him that we should have waited as we had just moved in and basically told us that the way we have brought up our eldest (2years) is wrong. Our youngest isn't old enough to be judged about.

I know I'm going on and I'm sorry but I had a go at her and told her if she carried on making snide comments about her sons weight, our parenting and also looking down her nose at me that she wasn't welcome in our home as I didn't want my children hearing her call their father as he'd do anything for them, I told her she was out of order etc etc. This has been going on for some years and at the end of the day I think she should love her son whether he's (what she feels) overweight or not and the way she goes on about it, it's like she can't love him because he's 'big.'

The main reasons I told her she wasn't welcome is because she's upset her son to the point that he feels me and our girls don't love him, he feels he's a rubbish husband and dad, I feel that our girls instead of saying 'what you say to daddy is wrong' will copy what she says as that's how they learn, he feels so uncomfortable in his own house when they are here that when they go he says 'thank goodness they've gone' and also because at the end of the day (as I've said) he's her son and she should never say anything like what she does.

I was just wondering if I was in the right or in the wrong?

I'd love to hear your opinion or stories, thanks.

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Jill - posted on 05/23/2010

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I am very sorry about your situation! I know as a mom it tears you up inside to think someone wouldn't love your baby, let alone a family member! The good news is that they won't miss her if they don't know her! They will have a happier, healthier childhood without the negativity!

Lyneeda - posted on 05/23/2010

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no you were absolutely right that behavior that your mil displayed is so rude an childish an the children will think that its okay to be disrespectful to their father is that is what they are around but you handled that properly an politely.my bf's father an i had a situation i always give my children my last name im not married so i continue my familys legacy thru my daughters when he last saw me he ?ed my childs name an i told him an he replied you're gonna have to get that changed then proceeded to ask my bf y our baby aint got his last name i then told him not so politely that we decided together what this childs name would be he was there thru the birth he signed the b.c. and her name is final she has his first name an my last name then his father had the aducity to ask you would just disrespect your mans father i just told him coldy that is a touchy subject an walked away because what i would have said after that would have been disrespect im 30 yrs old an i kno what being disrespectful is and i did not do that in any shape fashion or form but misery loves company im goin thru enuf with his granddaughter being a preemie less than a lb a birth y sweat the small stuff but if you allow a person to walk over you once they wont stop... then things may get ugly!

Jill - posted on 05/09/2010

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I think you were completely right to do that! Respect is so important in adult relationships because it helps us teach our kids about how we want them to treat us (and other adults in their lives). One suggestion that I have is that you not speak negatively about her in front of your kids. Keep your conversations about her between you and your husband. Be sure to reassure him that he is a good husband and father to you and your kids. Compliment him in front of the kids. Don't let your MIL get you (or your husband) down. You should put the needs of your family first. Good luck!

Amy - posted on 05/05/2010

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I don't get along with my mother in law! She looks down her nose at me and has only just started calling my daughter her real name instead of my little girl or poppy. I had to tell my husband that my father is poppy and she is our little girl NOT hers. She only sees us 3 to 4 times a year when we go to there place (which they rent of us, but thats another story in its self) and I can't wait to leave when we get there. She thinks she can rule us and what we do so I have put my foot down and told her that I know whats best for my daughter and my family which has sofar put her in her place. You have done the right thing and if she still contunies try and limit how much time you all spend with her!

Chelsea - posted on 05/02/2010

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Well, I say you kick butt! haha, I'm only 20 & i'm proud of you for saying it.. I get along really well w/my soon to be mother-in-law, buttttt, that's the kinda thing I've always imagined myself having to do one day.. Not that she'd deserve it or anything.. Just 'cause I end up getting snippy when people remotely start to judge me because I don't believe anyone is perfect enough to judge anyone.. lol, So way to go.. I think you're right. It's your hubby, your babies, your family, go ahead & tell the witch she needs to keep her mouth shut! :-) Good for you..

I'm sure you'd make your momma proud! :-)

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Kimberly - posted on 05/15/2011

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good for you that is amazing that you told her exactly how you felt. and by no means were in the wrong, you are right what they hear about there dad they will pick up on that.

Ericka - posted on 05/15/2011

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See its always the opposite with me. I never get along with the fathers but get along with the mothers. That happened to me on my last relationship and my previous marriage. I have not yet put my father in law in check but eventually he finally respects me. The last straw was when he came at me after I had my son saying that he has an aunt as a CPS worker and he will call her to watch me. I was a brand new mother with depression due to being scared of a new born. He didn't even give me a chance to bond with my son. I ended up in the hospital for a week due to high blood pressure. Now if he talks crazy to me again, all hell will break loose. I try not to disrespect him but he has drawn the line with me!

Jenelle - posted on 04/13/2011

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You're right, she is wrong. My MIL has been that way for 13 years now. I finally had to say "if you insist on treating me this way, I will take your grandkids away!" And we have seven kids. It is to the point now that if they come over they won't come in the door at all, or if it is cold they will stand in the entry way and that is it...but then still pisses and moans about the condition our house is in. You kinda have to learn to let it go. Same thing happening with my own parents, and when I finally stood up to them about it all, they picked up the attitude of "it's not our job to tell her what to do, and we will do everything possible to keep the relationship positive so we can see our grandkids." So it is a fixable situation. It just takes time. Make sure you are doing everything to build your husband up. Not just when your MIL says something negative. Always compliment him, tell him Thank You, make notice of the good things he does, and be really low key with your 'constructive criticism.' Good Luck!

Christelle - posted on 04/10/2011

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You're absolutely right! There is no reason that anyone should be making derogatory statements toward your family (regardless is she gave birth to him or not). I think parents forget that sometimes. They forget that we are grown up, and whatever way we chose to behave is overall our choice.

Florencia - posted on 04/10/2011

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Good for you!!! She should not be treating her son like this and should respect you 2 as the parents wishes. I know all to well how you feel. If she cant respect you and show respect your kids will learn from her and will learn to let ppl get them down because this is how dad gets.

Aimee - posted on 03/02/2011

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way to go u should tell her what u think. i do not get on with my mother in law as so told me i stole her son off his wife and his wife hates me so i told her what i thought and she has never spoke to me or her son again. i have 2 sons and a daughter from my 1st marriage and she does not except them and when she did talk to my husband she usto say give ^^^^^^^^a kiss for me and ^^^^^^^^ a kiss but not the rest so i told her i come as a package and not as 1 and if u dont except my kids u dont except the rest. all your kids need is u and your husband and u dont need anyone u give them all the luv they need.i think u did right by tellin her.

Rachael - posted on 06/12/2010

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Wow good for you and you are totally in the right!!! My MIL is constantly whats she doing, whre is she, shes crying, shes hungry, she needs this, don't do that, OMG OMG OMG! She bonked her head she this.. PARANOID and it drives me BONKERS! IM The mother not you! How the heck did she raise her own son? In a bubble? lmao. ANyways.. I can relate above and beyond to your situation. My first born babies daddy's momma hated me. Always looked down her nose. Well her son and I broke up and she kidnapped my daughter! No joke. Still fighting them on this. She calls MY daughter hers, she does everything with her.. she told Grace that mothers day was THEIR day.. She told my daughter that I don't like her curly hair and I don't miss her or ever phone her. She refuses to answer the phone and when I do get through I get excuses now and again and msgs aren't relayed to her. She told her son that if she let Grace stay here he was kicked out of her house. Well he is soo reliant on his mother is sickening. Poor grace goes from one activity to the next and lives in daycare! Her father is sickeningly obese. (300 plus) he can't hardly move. I feel for him and our daughter. I've been standing my ground when it comes to his mother finally and have been telling Grace the truth in small peices. One day this sweet poison they are feeding Grace will come back 10 fold. I can't wait for it!! So I say this... If your MIL can't respect you and your husbands wishes AND knock off her judgement and crude remarks in your home around YOUR children then she can suffer her own conciquences and not be around either your home or your children. She doen't seem to grasp that everytime she puts her son down shes knocking herself and your kids as they are all apart of one another. Your kids don't need to hear that or think that is it okay. I hope things improve hun and please stick to your guns :) WTG! ♥

Karen - posted on 05/24/2010

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I would have done the same thing. I have problems with my mom and they way she talks about my husband. I live almost 1000 miles away from our family right now because my hubby is in the army but once we move back up there I will be limiting her access to my kids because they don't need that and neither does my hubby. My mom has a habit of calling my oldest her boy which drives me nuts.

Emma - posted on 05/23/2010

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I know what you mean Lyneeda and my husband has been walked over since he was 19/20 years old from his family. He is now 27 and things haven't changed.

Unfortunately, I've had to stop her seeing our children as she isn't willing to change and shows no feelings towards them

Katrina - posted on 05/16/2010

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I have had to deal with the exact same situation with my MIL. I got fed up and told her to shut up or stop coming over. She didn't get the picture and continued with the comments, so I cut all communication with her for 3 months. She didn't see my son (my daughter wasn't born yet), I wouldn't take her calls, we didn't go there, she wasn't invited here. She finally understood how strongly I felt about the situation and apologized for her behavior.

SAKEETA - posted on 05/15/2010

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if she persist's i wolud ban her from seeing her grandchildren, if she wants to act like a school child then i think she should be treated like one. Your husband needs to tell his mum that she did a good job raising him now let him do a good job raising his children. if she continues to inerfere then she will not be apart of thier life as you need a happy and positive place to raise your children and she is not helping that to happen . Children need a happy enviroment to grow and feel safe, if she is making there dad feel bad it will freflect on the childrens behaviour. I do hope you get this sorted soon for your childrens sake and your's.. x

Brandy - posted on 05/14/2010

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i think you did the right thing, my mil hated me since the day she met me and i put up with her crap for years which is not typically in my nature. after i had my daughter she refused to come and see her and acted like she didnt want to hold her or anything, then she started telling people including my husband that i had told her she wasnt allowed to come around and that i yelled at her which is a total lie, i just recently decided that im not going around her anymore and i wont allow my daughter to go to their house. she can still come and visit if shes polite but she will not be allowed around my daughter unless im present.

Emma - posted on 05/07/2010

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No, I've tolerated it for 3 years and enough was definately enough for my husbands, my daughters and my sake. As my 2 year old was beginning to pick up the things grandma was saying. She hasn't been in touch since as she knows what she was doing and saying was completely out of order.

Nancy - posted on 05/06/2010

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Good for you!! You wouldn't tolerate from anyone else, why her? My former FIL told his wife (while I was dating his son), I was a "hoochie" and he didn't approve of the relationship (based on meeting me once for ten minutes), word got back to me and my fiance' (now ex-husband), and we didn't invite him to the wedding and I never spoke to him again. We only need people in our lives that lift us up, not tear us down!

Emma - posted on 05/06/2010

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Amy, the time our daughters spend with our MIL is limited anyway as she only comes on my daughters birthdays, husbands birthday and boxing day. She came one extra time this year to see our new baby and may come again on the christening (as since I put her in her place) she hasn't been back.
We try to get to her place a few times a year also but it's hard for us as we have to walk to the station, get 2 trains, 2 buses then walk some more whereas she has a car and also because when my husband is at work I won't go there because I feel abit more comfortable when he's with me.
At present, I don't feel she will come back and visit but that's her choice as I didn't say she can't. Well, I told her not to bother coming back if she thinks she has a right to disrespect us in our own house (which she always does.)

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