Criticism for having preterm babies, NEED Support!!

Jenelle - posted on 06/21/2010 ( 23 moms have responded )

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In this last week my husbands family came down on me for being selfish, uncaring, and taking the easy way out of my pregnancies. They claim that by me having to have IV's and feeding tubes to make sure both the baby and I are getting the nutrients that is needed is taking the easy way out. And that it is either in my head or I just don't care about taking care of my body. I was also highly criticized for not keeping the "baby in full-term, 40+ weeks in the oven." I spend four months of my pregnancy on bed rest, taking every medication possible to stop contractions, all while taking care of six children. I am lucky if I can make it to 34 weeks. But they treat me as if I have control over these situations. As if I consciously choose to have my babies early on run the risk of having a sick baby!! I am curious to know what part of IV's, feeding tubes, lengthy bed rest, labor for 15 weeks, and constant Dr. visits is "easy." Does anyone else have to deal with people criticizing you for having preterm babies?

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Julie - posted on 06/21/2010

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OMG, NO!! That is so awful of them. I don't care how scared/concerned/ignorant they are for your husband and your baby, that is INEXCUSABLE!

I am sending you hugs and a huge smack upside the head for your in-laws, all of them, in a big way. I have no idea who you are, but if I happened to hear them tell you any of that (say, while sitting in a waiting room to see a doc) I would certainly say something on your behalf.

I would like to say more, but my little guy is waking up (26 weeks + 5 days, now > 2 years).

For your own health, PLEASE let your husband know how this talk is NOT acceptable. Let him know they are not permitted to be in your home if they continue to talk that way. He MUST be on your side for this one! Please DO NOT DEAL with them, send them away or, better yet, have your husband send them away.

I didn't have to do bedrest, but that can't be easy, either.

My blood pressure is higher after reading about those insensitive *&$&%&s! I would rather have been nursing a healthy, TERM baby every 30 minutes for 12 weeks straight and cleaning poopy diapers as much than having my baby (given a

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Kylee - posted on 01/05/2011

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I agree with all the comments they should treat anyone like that no matter what. I have had 2 premature babies due to by body can not withstand to going any further by first was at 25 weeks and my second was at 33 weeks due to taking medication through the pregnancy and if they keep annoying you U should speak and tell them that stressing you out is no good for you and their grand children etc.

VicTORIa - posted on 12/05/2010

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Does anyone think that any mother would want this type of birth experience? Do the critics ever think about the risk factors from environmental pollution, animal factory farming, coal fired power...etc? There are studies that say that Monsanto (that Disney friendly chemical company) KNEW that it's bovine milk increasing products were causing harm to human reproduction... We are not at fault for feeding ourselves the dangerous chemicals we ate as children. I don't know why my pregnancies were high risk. I don't know why my babies were early. But I am very grateful to the Nurses, Respiratory Therapists, and Doctors who helped 3 of my 4 children survive premature delivery, and become the smart, funny, engaging young people they are now! Love your children! Forgive the idiots you run into that don't have a clue about what you are experiencing. I suggest you don't call them names or curse them...some of them are related to your children too. Good luck, the adventure is way worth the cost! Love your children, let them grow, try to protect them from corporate greed and chemical poisons...and be kind to yourself! I did what you are doing now, 25 years ago to give my children a chance at life... I can tell you that all the hassles and all the costs were soooooooooo worth it! Hugs!

Carrie - posted on 08/08/2010

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That is completly absurd!!! my oldest was born full term but my youngest was born at 28weks n my mom n i went back in forth every week thru 3 counties for 3 months so i could see my baby. i didnt really have in law problems but MY grandmother on my dads side was refusin to watch my baby sisters so my mom could take me down sayin "i should b able to do this on my own" pretty much n my dad just sat there n let her say it. so we had to find a babysitter to watch the my sisters n payin for a babysitter also made for more stress cuz thats more money bein spent that we dnt have. n wat it truely was on her part that i wasnt goin bout my life the way her n my family had planned but u cant control wat happens wit ur pregnancies i would have changed nething if i could to have had my baby on time n healthy bein in the nicu is more stress then they realize n id tell them to go to the hospitals n talk to the dr n c that is not only u that have/had complications

Nola - posted on 08/07/2010

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Wow! They need to read a book or talk to a doctor. I would be so upset. Tell them to shove it and that no one wants a sick baby. I am so very sorry for you but you know and we all know that you are doing everything you can and that sometimes these babies have their own agenda :) and come when they want.

Also, Bedrest is not the easy way out nor is anything else you are doing. It is the hardest thing in the world to lay in bed all day and night because all you do is think and think and then you think some more. There is nothing to distract you from the fact that you are trying to protect this little baby. Shame on them and I hope your husband is standing up for you. If he isn't he needs to be.

Tiffany - posted on 08/05/2010

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I am absolutely horrified that anyone could be so heartless and freaking stupid!!!!!!!!!!!!! And reading the responses, I see that there are many other women in the same situation! I don't know what the hell is wrong with you in laws, but they've obviously never had to watch a tiny helpless person die before their eyes b/c her lungs weren't ready to breathe, never had to carry their baby's coffin to her grave. NOBODY would ever choose that! I lost my first daughter at 22 weeks to preterm labor, after laying in bed upside down at a 45 degree angle for a week trying to keep her in. My 2nd daughter was born at 32 weeks, and my son at 30 weeks, my girl was in NICU for 3 weeks, and my boy for 6 weeks. I was very lucky as they had no major complications and are now very healthy, but I've experienced the other side of preterm labor as well. It's hell leaving your baby in the hospital, day after day, while your friends and family get to nurse right away and take their babies home with them. To accuse someone of purposley causing their early labor, putting their body through hell and their baby in danger, is just plain cruel and heartless. I hope your husband is supportive, if he is he needs to tell his a**hole family to either treat you with the respect and dignity you deserve or don't come around at all! I'm amazed that you were able to care for 6 kids on bedrest, that sounds impossible. I'm sure you are an amazing mom, and anyone who endures bedrest and endless meds to keep their baby in the womb as long as possible is anything but selfish, she is a devoted selfless mother who sacrifices her body and her own comfort for the safety of her baby. THAT'S a real woman! God bless you, and I hope you're hubby talks some sense into his family!

Crissy - posted on 08/04/2010

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I did not have to deal with people like that but i have 4 kids and 3 of them were early. we have no control when our babies are going to decide to come. early or late they come when they want and not even the doctors have been able to fix that problem, so tell all those people to leave you alone. if the doctors can't fix it how can you?

Nancy-Suzie - posted on 07/17/2010

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Yep after my emergency c-section at 30 weeks 3 days my in-laws came in to visit at the hospital. The first sister in law compared my daughter to a small reddish hamster while my mother in law told me I was the wrong women for her son as I could not go full term, that I must have done something to want the emergency c-section and I was selfish. Sadly I just gave birth to a 26 weeks 6 day to to pre-eclampsia and HELLP syndrome after being on bed rest and again the sister in law said shiz to my hubby about me not even being a real women as real women have full term babies. They have also asked him if he would considered divorcing me as I wasn't women enough to bring his children to term. He did told them they were nuts but still the damage is done. I already feel guilty about this second pre-term birth.



The only compliment we got was for choosing a good name for him. The doctors also told us that it would be dangerous for me to get pregnant again.. so I am sure you can only imagine their comments. Since I almost died this time to to the blood pressure not going down, when he told him that I almost died, they told him it was a pity I did not, as he could have had a chance to be with a real women.



Can I say that I actually hate them, would hate be too much to express how I feel, having my little one in the NICU for the next 2 months!! WE rarely see or hear from them which is a good thing, but gosh when we do it's never for the good things.



I would have loved to bring both my babies to term, being big and swollen and happy about it, but sadly life and God decided otherwise.

Angelica - posted on 07/15/2010

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YES! i was convinced that my husbands family was just crazy but apparently their not the only ones. while i was in the hospital his mother and his ex made it their business to talk about me as much as possible and after i delivered they continued to talk about my daughter. they said i was useless called me uncalled for names that i didnt care about my daughter. my husbands mother called my daughter a nasty little it and said that my ugly baby was no relation to her. while his ex was saying things like my daughter need to just die so that my husband and myself could get back home and take care of my husbands older 2 for her. people are ridiculous. i honestly think that they just dont understand and are too scared of trying to understand something so scary and stressful.

VicTORIa - posted on 07/14/2010

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Are they also pressuring your husband? I have seen this kind of destructive interference in some of the families close to me. Many are trying to push an agenda about birth control. One close friend had 3 healthy, full-term babies while she and her husband were in College. Her family wanted ME to talk to her about preventing more pregnancies... Arrrrrggghhhh! Only you and your husband can make the decisions about how big your hearts are and how many children you can raise. I lost my first daughter to preterm labor and complications of prematurity, and did not think I would ever have more children. When I got pregnant again, I was very afraid. But my Dr. pointed out that each life has it's own course, and it was up to me to do what I could do to help, and he promised that he would do all he could do too. I left my ex before our son was born, partially, because he felt that if I needed help to bear children, that I should not have children at all! He felt that our daughter was a miscarriage not a live birth, sigh. (She lived for 8 months, mostly in hospitals.) I hope that the disagreement you had with your husband's family was just misspoken in a moment of anger, and that the family will rally around your choice to support this pregnancy as best you can. Good luck! (I had 2 more children with my present husband, and he supported me through long periods of bedrest, medication, and occasional hospitalizations before the ceasarean births of our daughters. It was not easy, but neither is living with two teenage girls... I wouldn't give up a minute of those difficult times, if it meant I wouldn't have my lovely daughters now!) {{{Hugs}}} T.

Sabrina - posted on 07/14/2010

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Are you *&%$#*@#$% kidding me !!!!

Have they been to NICU ? Have they talked to the doctors ? I know they are your family, but they sound ignorant. They are the ones who are selfish and uncaring.

Your husband needs to tell them to leave you alone.... before you snap and it really gets ugly. If they can not talk you in a respectful manner and be supportive they need to stay away. Your husband needs to support you in what ever you need to get your emotional peace. If you aren't at peace in your life then if makes being a good mother and wife very difficult. Be up front with him. Ask him if he agrees with his family.... and if he doesn't, then he needs to tell them he doesn't agree with them and he doesn't agree with how they are treating you.You say you have many children so I'm assuming you have daughters. Ask your husband if one of your daughters was in this situation how would he expect her husband to handle the situation.

Christina - posted on 07/06/2010

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I'm so sorry that you're going through that.... I know what you're talking about. Everyone thinks I'm self-fish for having just one more becase I had a 34 1/2 weeker... I had a 29 1/2 weeker and then my last one was 28 1/2 weeks... I've seen High Risk Dr's for my last two and there's no explination....
I'd tell them to blow it out one of their very loud holes.....!
They have no clue what you've gone through.... No clue how gulty you already feel and that you don't need anyone else to make you feel worst then you've already made yourself feel...
Stick to people like us who will support you... Stay away from people who won't...

Alda - posted on 06/29/2010

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I couldn't agree more with all that's been said here. My twins were born at 28 weeks, been through stoma and heart surgery, and spent the first 4 months of their lives in hospital (150 mile round trip from where we live). It's the furthest thing from easy imaginable!

You should tell them all to f**k off if they're not going to be supportive, the ignorant idiots. I hope your hubby is supportive and he really should sort out his destructive family.

My heart goes out to you, big hugs and I'll say a special prayer for you. x

Kylie - posted on 06/29/2010

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I think your husbands families attitude says more about them than it does about you. They are obviously very ignorant about complications of pregnancy. Ignore them the best you can. Its hard when you've had premature babies as you feel very vulnerable and you always have that voice in your head taunting you that many be it is all your fault, and your in laws are tapping into that.

Linn - posted on 06/28/2010

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I have been in similiar circumstances. My youngest daughter is a preemie and I had preterm labor with 3 of my four kids. I have been on multiple medications and on bed rest. My mother in law has been the one who has accused me basically of being an unfit mother, because of how difficult my pregnancies have been. She was even happy when she found out we had lost our last baby due to miscarriage. So i can definitly understand how you feel. My husband has always been supportive and has more than once told his mom to leave. Does your husband know how you feel? I will be praying for you!! Remember that no matter what they say you are a good mom!! Anyone who goes through bed rest, preterm labor and all the meds they give for it (that make you feel like crap) knows how hard it is. I wish you only the best!!!

Brittany - posted on 06/28/2010

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Oh, HE!! NO! They should NOT be treating you like that! Having a preterm baby is anything but easy. You said labor started early? There's nothing you could do past what you had already been doing to prevent it. In fact, where were THEY when you needed help taking care of the other children?? You can't criticize what you've never experienced.
As for selfish and uncaring: You did what you could to make your pregnancy last. You gave up YOUR body to grow those babies.
You don't deserve that sort of treatment. Hugs, momma. You're doing great!

Jennifer - posted on 06/28/2010

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I don't think anyone wishes to have a preterm baby and the "wonderful" stresses that come with it. To wish you and your family the life in the NICU and other stressors that come with it is just moronic. I agree with the other women. If your husband is unwilling to stand up for you, than you should take it into your own hands. What is there really to lose? Some people can be so ridiculous... To think that you wanted this!! What is wrong with them??

Vanessa - posted on 06/26/2010

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you should not be treated like that. that was not within our control. i almost spent my pregnancy on bed since i had an appendectomy during the 4th moth of my pregnancy, that was not in my control but no one blamed me for that. instead i got more comfort and encouragement from my family and friends. you also should be given more comfort since it was you who can feel more pain because of the situation.
they used to ask me what have i done and my baby came out so early... i just told them that God was the one who planned all of this, and He is in control, He already gave me this baby and for sure He will take care of my baby for the rest of his life. you should not be worry of those criticisms. you have lots of friends who compliment you more than criticize you... God loves you and your baby... God bless!

Tanya - posted on 06/25/2010

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I think you need to have a serious chat with your hubby! He needs to be stepping in and talking to his family! The added stress of dealing with them might just be enough to put you back into preterm labour.

Tara - posted on 06/24/2010

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WHAT???!!!!!!!!??????? I agree with everyone!!! Please give me your in-laws email address so I can tell them what idiots they are and exactly where they can get off.

HOW DARE THEY??!!!!???? I am soooooo angry on your behalf!!! How SELF-RIGHTEOUS and IGNORANT and SELF-CENTERED and IDIOTIC and COMPLETELY OUT OF LINE!!!!!!

You ave been through absolute HELL! You have done so well and you have SURVIVED!!!!!! Jenelle, well done to you!!!! i have only been through that once and cant imagine what a strong and special person you have to be to have survived your trials!!!!

Slap them! I feel so bad that i have family who keep on reminding me that its not my fault and that I am doing an amazing job!

Educate those idiots!!! If they dont have compassion or the brains to put themselves in your shoes then they are simply not worth it to have around. How on earth are you expected to deal with their **** too?

Good luck to you! Please dont EVER let ANYONE make you feel that any of this is your fault!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pip - posted on 06/23/2010

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THAT"S JUST OUTRAGEOUS!!!!!! Don't except that type of treatment, these people are clearly morons in desperate need of education. Get onto that hubby of yours. Good Luck

Jennifer - posted on 06/23/2010

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both of my babies were preterm. some people's body cant handle pregnacies. my 2nd baby i spent 3 weeks in the hospital. both of my babies had ivs. they didnt have to have feeding tubes. But i know 2 babies that were full term that had to have feeding tubes. Having preterm babies are not easy. It puts more stress on you and your body. My Ob told me on my last pregnancy that he felt confident if he came out at 34 weeks that it was okay. Did you have the steriod shots?

Liz - posted on 06/23/2010

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You really do need to talk with your husband ASAP, as this kind of attitude towards you is unacceptable and potentially damaging to you.

Many fathers consider it the dad's 'job' to manage the environment to reduce or prevent stressful situations from affecting a wife with a newborn baby. Given that it is his family who are now attacking you with their ignorance, then he needs to step up to deal with it.

Does he know how you feel and what they've said?

I accept that it may feel difficult to discuss their behaviour, since you probably do not wish to cause any problems between your husband and his family. However, as Julie already said, it's important that these people are not around you if they are going to talk to you in this inexcusable manner.

You need unquestioning support if you're going to get through this. I'm sending you huge hugs, right now.

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