13 yr old daughter issues

Martel - posted on 05/23/2010 ( 1 mom has responded )

have a 13 yr old daughter who I am absolutely struggling with. Her grades in school are pretty good (All B's & 1 C), she's outgoing (band, drama club, plays soccer), she actually volunteers on the dementia unit at my work when schools not going on and she is great with little kids. However there is this completely other side to her. She has become so infatuated with boys and having a boyfriend and "loving" every single one whether the "relationship" lasts a week or a month. She's lazy and although she has specific chores she has to be constantly reminded to do them. She is horrible to her younger brother (he's almost 12) and she uses the most vulgar language with her friends. I have deleted her My Space after seeing the language she was using. She has referred to me as a "bitch" in her messages to her friends because I grounded her from the movies. I wouldn't let her go to the movies because she took my camera without asking to school for a number of days (she's been in trouble for this before!). She's totally into the "emo" style of clothes and her dad and I have tried to let her express herself to an extent. We won't let her wear clothes that are revealing, she MUST be clean and presentable and no dark makeup. She's allowed to wear light colored eye shadow and mascara and that's it! We've been pretty open to the music she listens to because we want to encourage her to not just have one idea about something. However, some of her choices I think are not suitable (Manson and Insane Clown Posse for examples). It's really like we have 2 different daughters. Most days she is so loving towards me. Very affectionate, always wanting a hug and telling me she loves me. She come across as this sweet girl but behind our backs she is terrible. She's not a good liar because we bust her every time. Most of her friends have actually made comments to her about her attitude towards me specifically and she just rolls her eyes. I don't know how to get through to her. I know there are friends of hers who have bad home lives but honestly we don't let her hang out at their homes. The friends that come over and we let her visit at their houses are respectful of their parents and who do get into normal trouble with stuff because they are teens but it's not this dramatic. I thought her and my relationship had improved dramatically but then I find out she's still doing the same things. Her dad and I have grounded her literally from everything. She does good until she gets her stuff back and then it starts all over. We took the computer away almost the entire summer in 2009 and yet she's still making the same poor choices. I don't know what punishments to use anymore. Summer is starting in a week and I feel like she needs the babysitter not her brother. I can count on him to "rat" her out on the weeks he's home but when he's at his dad's I don't know what we're going to do because we don't trust her. The computer has been taken away again and I'm contacting the phone company about her phone. I want her to only be able to call her dad, home or myself and maybe her grandparents. I think I'm most worried because she is so impressionable and she's at such an important age in figuring out who she is. My husband says she's a spoiled brat and we've got to "crack the whip" (figuratively speaking of course). I was reluctant to post anything on here but I really need some advice. I love her so much and I'm not just angry with her I'm hurt.

PLEASE HELP!!!