13 y/o with Bad grades, lying, bad attitude...help!

Katherine - posted on 05/20/2011 ( 7 moms have responded )

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I am doing my best to hold my marbles together. I thought my daughter was being a good girl and good student.. all through elementary school she got straight A's (or O's) and did her homework on the bus.. just breezed through. Now that we're nearing school year-end, she's failing two core classes and getting C's in two others (one is band!!). We've taken away her privileges, and put her on a reward system to earn them back, but that doesn't seem to phase her. She still isn't doing her chores and is treating me like I've done something wrong. She continues to lie about wrongdoing and doesn't seem remorseful. Any good advice out there? I feel like turning 13 has turned her into some other person I don't recognize. :-(

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Kimberly - posted on 11/10/2017

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Teens are evil. I'm convinced. My teen is hateful to me and also blaming when losing her privileges. Being around her is like being in an emotionally abusive relationship and I sigh a breath of relief when she goes to school. She still makes good grades, the hougg she is mean and full of herself.

Good luck. We have tried everything. Now I just pray for her and hope she decides she wants to live somewhere else 不

Kimberly - posted on 11/10/2017

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Teens are evil. I'm convinced. My teen is hateful to me and also blaming when losing her privileges. Being around her is like being in an emotionally abusive relationship and I sigh a breath of relief when she goes to school. She still makes good grades, the hougg she is mean and full of herself.

Good luck. We have tried everything. Now I just pray for her and hope she decides she wants to live somewhere else 不

Kimberly - posted on 11/10/2017

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Teens are evil. I'm convinced. My teen is hateful to me and also blaming when losing her privileges. Being around her is like being in an emotionally abusive relationship and I sigh a breath of relief when she goes to school. She still makes good grades, the hougg she is mean and full of herself.

Good luck. We have tried everything. Now I just pray for her and hope she decides she wants to live somewhere else 不

Kimberly - posted on 11/10/2017

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3

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Teens are evil. I'm convinced. My teen is hateful to me and also blaming when losing her privileges. Being around her is like being in an emotionally abusive relationship and I sigh a breath of relief when she goes to school. She still makes good grades, the hougg she is mean and full of herself.

Good luck. We have tried everything. Now I just pray for her and hope she decides she wants to live somewhere else 不

Kimberly - posted on 11/10/2017

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Teens are evil. I'm convinced. My teen is hateful to me and also blaming when losing her privileges. Being around her is like being in an emotionally abusive relationship and I sigh a breath of relief when she goes to school. She still makes good grades, the hougg she is mean and full of herself.

Good luck. We have tried everything. Now I just pray for her and hope she decides she wants to live somewhere else 不

Jane - posted on 05/24/2011

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"I feel like turning 13 has turned her into some other person I don't recognize."

It did - she is now officially a teenager! In our house, since my son is ADHD, ODD and Bipolar, we say all teens are Bipolar, because so many of them turn into my son when they hit that magic age of 13.

Realistically, you need to go to the school and see what is going on. Is there a boy? Is there a group of similarly minded girls that she has started hanging out with? Is she not turning in work? Is she turning work that is done badly? Is she jealous of what she thinks other kids have?

You might also have to get her in the car for a long drive (so she is both trapped but also doesn't have to look you in the eye or be overheard, AND so you can't lose your temper because you are driving) and see if you can get her talking about what is going on in her life. Talk with her, don't yell at her, and find out what is happening inside her head. If she thinks she should be treated as an adult, then do that (but make sure she bears the weight of it and pays her way).

A lot of kids at this age have hormone surges that won't let them think straight. That is where the "Bipolar" part comes in. If that is what is happening, pick your battles. What do you most need her to do? Find out what it will take to win that battle with her. Only then go on to another.

Other kids decide that their bodies look adult so they ARE adults. If it is the latter, then treat her like an adult, as others have said. If she doesn't do what she is supposed to, you don't do what you are supposed to. She doesn't do a chore, you won't drive her to a friend's house. She calls you a name, you take away all or part of her allowance (for this reason my son gets a daily allowance. If he is rude, it is cancelled for 24 hours). If she wants you to buy something for her she has to do something for you first. If she lies she loses a privilege. Cell phones can be a great privilege to take away. She demands something tell her she can have it if she pays for it. Then make sure there are jobs that she can do and get paid for if done right. Perhaps even post a list somewhere, review it yourself daily to be sure she is doing what she says as well as you require, and then with her once a week. Set that day as pay day and pay her for each job done to your standards.

If nothing else, have her tested for a learning disability or ADD, to see if it was mild enough that she could cope with it in elementary school, but can't in middle school.

Also, check with the school to see if they have a homework watch program, where the kid has to check in with their homeroom teacher at the end of school each day for them to sign off on whether she has all of her assignments, books and supplies with her so she can do her homework. There was one teacher in middle school that was willing to come in early several days a week so my son could do his homework under her supervision and turn it in.

In addition, many schools post assignments online these days, so you can see what she needs to do even before she walks in the door, and then email the teachers whether or not she did it, so the teacher can say "I know you did it. Where is it?"

I have recently been watching a show called "My Teen's a Nightmare." If you can, you might watch a few episodes to see what the kids are actually having trouble with and how the expert works with the whole family to get the kid back to human again.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/24/2011

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Well, we're all in the same boat. I haven't figured out a system, and I'm on my 2nd 13 y/o! Between the teachers not enforcing consequences on missed work, and my children just flat out blowing off work, they are learning the hard way.

I have taken what few priveliges they were allowed, and finally made both of them enroll and pay for summer school to catch up. That's what finally worked. The rest of the grades came right back up, both kids are $150 poorer, but now know that if they don't take care of it during their regular school year, I will charge them to take the make up classes at the local CC.

Amanda - posted on 05/24/2011

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I have the same story about my oldest son. I took things away and he was just rude and disrespectful, to get him to do anything was like pulling teeth, I was going crazy and my home was stressful. Then finally one day in an angry moment he told me "just because you can tell me what to do doesnt mean you can control me, I decide what I want to do and when." When he first said it I was fuming later that night I realized that he was right I cant control him but I can sway him.

School in my house is my childrens job, just like my husband works and I run the house, we all work and in order to have anything we have to pay for it. My son wanted to be treated like an adult so thats what we did. If he wants rides to school, cable TV, phone, anything he has to work and pay for it. He works in school. just like people get minimum wage thats what he gets just for attending school, the harder he works the more "pay" he gets. Just instead of money he gets his privileges. Just going to school gets things like normal TV but no cable, bus fair no car ride, new shoes once a year and new clothes only when he needs them not when he wants them. I realized that with a strong willed child I had to give him more control, but just like real life more things, cost more money and more money means working harder or more hours. Now the choices are all his and so are the repercussions or benefits. It sounds extreme but for me it worked and he is again an A student and very happy with all the things he now deserves.

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I have to agree with Louise. I experienced the same senario this school year with my 13 year old daughter. from Kindergarten through 7th grade she was an honors student-even inducted into the national junior honor society. However, her 8th grade year started off horribly! (and I mean D's and C's - the only A was in Art) I can only attribute it to her new found interest in boys during the preceeding summer and trickled into the school year. after the 2nd semester, I sat her down and asked her what the issue was. (I had already found a note to one of her friends stating that she wanted to be more social this year) She said that the classes were too hard etc, etc. But after speaking with her teachers, she wasn't handing in work and tanking on tests. Overall it was a lack of focus. I took away her priviledges - however, I didn't give a specific time frame and waited until I saw her grades improve. I also signed up for a tool called "edline" where I could keep track of upcoming assignments & tests and made sure she studied and turned in her assignments daily. Her grades arent back to straight A's however she did improve them to all B's. So it wasn't about the work being too difficult, it was lack of focus.

Leanne - posted on 05/22/2011

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Currently going through this same thing with my youngest son. We did find out that he has a vision problem. Even put things into place at school to help him, but between him being difficult some days and the teachers not wanting to deal with him I am also at my wits end. No Child Left Behind is part of our problem and it has trained the teachers to either not help, not try, don't care, any more. In some places it doesn't let them adapt their lessons to fit different learning syles. I have requested the school do a comprehensive test for an individual education plan (IEP) with a specialist doing the vision portion of the test. Won't know anything until beginning of next school year, but are considering holding him back because he can't perform at his grade level due to his vision. We just need cooperation between both him and his teachers with accountability put in place. You know it's bad when his teachers put all the blame on him. I've been in their classrooms and I know how some of those teachers function. It's not all him and he feels like he's not receiving any support in school. There's only so much we can do from home.

Louise - posted on 05/22/2011

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Just remember that she is fighting hormones at the moment and is stuck inbetween a woman and a child. There are so many things that could be going on here. Try to back off a little and sit her down and ask her if she is unhappy or if anything is bothering her. Try to be sympathetic and listen to what she has to say. Tell her you are concerned and you want to know how to help. Is there a boyfriend hanging around because boys normally are at the bottom of girls grades slipping. There is alot of questions that need to be asked here before you start on the punishment route. Try and open up the lines of communications between you both as this will help no end.

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