13 year old daughter with a mouth and anger. Please help.

Tara - posted on 08/19/2009 ( 60 moms have responded )

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Let me start by saying I am a mother of 5. My children are 13(D), 10(D),6(S),3(S),8month old (S).



My 13 year daughter looks extremly older she is 5'11' and has the chest of a 20 yr old. So the kids her age have a problem with her and treat her like she is odd. Anyway back to the problem she will ask to do something and I tell her no she get's angry and says "yea of course not why would I be able to you just hate me." I tell her I don't hate you I love you. Then she starts throwing a fit in front of the other kids and on occation hits me. I'm not sure if some of her behavior comes from the kids at school making fun of her for being so much biggier then them or why she always seems so angry with me. I tell her all the time she is my first born and I know nothing about a teen. Growing up I never had any siblings. I'm doing my best. I felt so bad that I took her to the doctor to see what I could do she told me to read some books. What the heck is a book going to do???

I just don't know what to do. If anyone has an advise please let me know.

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Lorrie - posted on 09/04/2012

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im dealing with this as well. my daughter is acting the same. i have taken it all away from her and that smart mouth comes out. shes trying to rip the whole house apart. her step dad is so good to her but she says im brain washed. her older sister is very happy and has no issues. my daughter is tall, very pretty, and smart. very cocky. which is some my fault but the disrespect im not understanding where its coming from. im pregnant but she doesnt know that yet. im just stressed out and cant figure out how to get her attention. she refuses to do chores, or anything i ask. i spank her but she runs and swings back at me. shes as big as i am. shes 13 and 5'8". i need help figureing out how to get her attention.

[deleted account]

I have two children my daughter is now an adult but I remenber times of battles, pick them, then I went on the internet found an all girls school, i couldnt afford it, but I asked for a packet/video, sat her down..serious as a heart attack ..and said you will be allowed to come twice a year, Ive tried to do this the conventional way this is our only hope...Wow a 360 turnaround..fear and the unknown snapped her back, dont forget to tell her its in the mountains of nowhere ville......may the force be with you

Belinda - posted on 02/24/2010

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My oldest is now 15, but when she turned 13 I swear she completely lost her mind and became a different child! I can laugh about it now because we got through it and so will you! I promise. She used to scream at me..I Hate You! and call me awful things and I would ask her why in the world and where in the heck were these things coming from. I stayed on her constantly and she was not allowed to do anything. If she was acting that way I made her stay in her room, no cell phone, no tv, no extra activities, nothing. I had to show her I loved her but I was MOM and she was not going to walk over me. We are the same size but one time I chased her through the house because she took off running when I told her I was going to spank her.. I caught her, had to hold her down in a scissor hold and spank her.. it was tuff but she then stayed in her room until she decided to come out and sit quitley in a chair. I wouldnt bring it up because I dont believe in reliving punishment, I would just ask her to help me in the kitchen with dinner or something, and yes normally she would say no and I would just say ok and then i would ask one of her younger sisters and they would help. Dont feed into their childish behavior. Also found out she was dating an awful boy! so I talked to his mother and they soon stopped seeing each other, that really helped. Look at who she is hanging out with?? How do they treat their parents?? I wish you the best and always communicate with them, dont hide things they will know it and lose trust in you. If you go to church talk to your pastor or childrens pastor, I also called Boys and Girls Town counselor while she was in front of me. She has to know you wont play the games shes playing! I will keep you both in my prayers! It will pass I promise!!

Zoe - posted on 10/18/2012

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I say you go to a counciler,be more strict and talk to the principal about the bullying issuses.

Melissa - posted on 08/23/2009

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Hello Tara, My name is Melissa. I'm a mother of 7 children. My children are 18(D);

16(S), 12(D), 7(D); 5(D), 4(S), 13mth(D). I KNOW FIRST HAND WHAT YOU ARE GROWING THROUGH. BE ENCOURAGED. The doctor was right about reading a book - -you need to get a Holy Bible because you'll need strength and comfort. You are already doing the right thing, You are disciplining your child. You told her NO and you tell her you LOVE her. That's what she needs. She will love you for this in the long run. Your daughter is "smelling" herself. I did it, my oldest daughter did it, now my 12yr old is too. This happens for many reasons some people say hormones. I think it's spiritual and that we are in constant battle for our children. The bible says in Ephesians 6:12 KJV For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.against flesh and blood but against spiritual wickedness. - Your daughter needs to understand the line of authority. You discipline her out of love. Children are foolish. Pick your battles wisely. Pray. There is so much to say but I have to meditate on the best way to say it.

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Belinda - posted on 11/13/2012

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When my daughter turned 13 and lost her mind I tried everything from taking everything away to threatening girls group home, nothing worked til one day I acted down right crazy! :) chased her around the house, got her down in a hold where she couldn't move and whooped her butt!!! Unfortunately it had to get to where she was scared of me and thought I was nuts! Lol it stopped after that. Just because your daughter is the same size or bigger than you, you can't show that you're weaker!! You're the parent and can and will woop butt when needed!

Marie - posted on 11/13/2012

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However, that is not to say that ours (that aren't always pleasant) aren't...when they are well...

Marie - posted on 11/09/2012

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I, too, am facing that problem almost to a tee. My 13 year old daughter (the older of the twins), stands 5'11, 190lbs with about all of that in complete and utter defiance. She has DECLARED that she doesn't talk to councellors. She is starting to skip school - because she doesn't feel like going (yet she is brilliant and excels with little effort).



I am ready to phone the RCMP and have them charge her with assault because if I even touch her (to pull her out of bed), she swings as hard at me as she can. Today I was biten.



I co-erced her to go to a doctor...it was that or the RCMP. The thought of going to the RCMP scared the living God out of her and she opted for the doctor...who prescribed Seroquil. She took it for about two - three days and I think she quit because she no longer gets tired. She confided in her twin (finally after two weeks) that it makes her reaction time less.



So, therefore she is lying to me. she is compulsive liar, binge eater and bully.



I, too, am at wits end. The one thing that I do know is that this is getting more and more out of control everyday. I can take away the phone, internet and TV but she will just sit or sleep. It makes no difference whatsoever.



I'm sorry I can't help you because I am in the same boat. But, I guess if you can get your child to a doctor for a diagnosis, that would be good. If you can get your child to go to councelling, that would be optimum as well. I hope you have better luck than I.

[deleted account]

Belinda, I can relate to it all..my daughter never made it to school one day..i was a wreck all day because her friends saw her get into an SUV with two guys... i was a mess!!! I didnt like this boy she was dating..and especially her skipping school to go who knows where,,she was only 13!! i made the police report...she was on the register of misssing and exploited children..she finally strolled in that night and i punished her..she couldnt go outside..use phone etc...and every single time she disrespected me....swore at me whatever,,, i added a day...she ended up in the house for almost 3 months...and that boy broke up with her when he got tired of waiting....which i was happy about....because he now has a child by another girl..........She would tear up the calendar that I added the days on ...i would tape it back up...put it back on the wall..i would write exactly what she did to get another day on each day i added so there was no "what did i do??!" i could just say read the calendar...it was a rough few months but she completely stopped disrespecting me....because i told her for then on in shes grounded every time she did.....motherhood is not easy....and there are going to be trying times..i have friends that are having a hard time and its the hardest thing for me to see my best friends daughter so disrespectful and sneaking out of the house..and not speaking to her....alls i can say is if one thing doesnt work than you try something different.....until you have some sort of peace... even if it means having your child arrested like i did.... or bringing your child to the police stations gang unit and have one of them talk hard to your child like i did when i found out she was running around with gang members......good luck to all you mothers having problems.....we all understand each other cause we been there....

[deleted account]

thats awesome....Yes i agree....that book was such and eye opener,,nice to see someone agrees..

[deleted account]

talk talk talk talk...and keep talking,,my 16 yr old is the same she looks older...my daughter use to fight..fight..she got jumped and got her nose broken...i went thru a few years of hell....hell....hell.....i read books..gave her books.....I have a book that i went thru the entire thing and changed words in it like,,instead of teacher i would write a teachers name that relates.....i sat for a whole night changing words to relate to us...our life..my daughter told me i don't understand,,,so I showed her things from my past....she knows i was in an abusive relationship when i was 18 i kept letters i had to write and diaries and restraining orders and showed her...so she could see ..and you know what she said to me? "mom did this happen for real ..in real life?" she has slowly been able to understand that ya i was young too..iv'e been thru some hell too.... maybe you don't have anything you can show her..but you can talk to her about things youv'e been thru..open up .. my dauhgter has actually told me that she understood after I did this.....i struggled and struggled and tried different things..i learned to pick my battles...not get so upset about every little thing...i had to turn my back even if i didn't like something.. she wasn't going to get hurt but she would learn herself...life is a learning experience,,i'm there for my kids for everything,,,,i refuse to go to counceling I can do what they do....I don't need to bring my problems to a stranger....I had one sister....we were never close and we still arn't close ......i pretty much are on my own when it comes to my kids and their issues....I have found that if I need to talk to her or my son about something that is bothering me...or im upset about something i never do it when im mad...i wait .and sometimes its not easy...and i bring it up somehow in CASUAL conversation...I find that helps tremendously....I know people don't agree with my way of thinking with my kids...but it has worked for me...and compared to a few years ago when i would cry and ask myself why i had kids cause i thought i was a horrible mom...and i couldnt do it anymore,...i swore my kids hated me...i felt like everything i did was wrong...Now i am confident .I wont allow any kind of abuse verbal or physical....and im doing this alone i am divorced..no child support.....i work hard...I could go on and on about punishments ... and etc... but everyone is different and may not agree what i do but its worked for me and thats all that matters to me...I didnt need therapy for me or my kids....or medication for me or my kids....and we went through HELL....

Jacquelyn - posted on 02/23/2010

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THAT BOOK " ODD GIRL OUT" IS LIFE CHANGING.. I Send a email out to my child's schools saying that every teacher councilor and principle should have to read that!

Marion - posted on 02/23/2010

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Hi again Patti I have red most of the messages that were sent to you .You asked for help.
Help for your daughter, at 15 my bust size was 20 D .You stated that your child has a mature bust line . And looks older than she is . As she looks older she will also be treated older than she really is . This is the problem not her anger . My advice would be to treat her the way that you want to be treated by her set the example , when your daughter mouths of at you and you think she is going to hit you , stand firm look into her eyes say you love her , and tell her if mouthing of at me and hitting me helps you
then go ahead , I won't ever stop loving you no matter what. Do this for her don't be scared because she is much more scared than you will ever be. A cons urned mum who has been there and has done this.

Tracey - posted on 02/23/2010

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I go through this exact same thing. My 15 year old son says he hates me or I'm stupid or says I hate him etc... In the past he has destroyed his room to the point that I would have to restrain him. The doctors and meds didn't help (he is autistic). But I didn't feel that his autism was all to blame for this behavior. He was like this since he was around 7 (that's when the tantrums really started getting bad). Same year he was diagnosed with autism and his father left. So I knew I was getting the blame for everything even though we talked to him about the real reason for the divorce. He was too young to understand. He also would get bullied in school every day. I knew what was probably causing the issues but not how to control him. Nothing worked. We sent him to a school for troubled boys and it worked well. It was either this or eventualy we feared juvi. Not to say that I pawned him off on someone else to fix. We had to go to classes as well (parents groups) to learn that we weren't alone and to figure out how to do things better. He learned and we learned. And by the way I think he really liked this school. It was back to basics, run by Mennonites. He did so many wonderful things. He has since graduated from that school. It wasn't a wonder cure because we still have a lot of issues but we are learning to cope and he is doing better than he was. And he is off meds!!!!!!

[deleted account]

wow...i got a "congrats" on my page so followed the link to which one...and WOW...SO MANY MORE comments that i have to respond....rhonda fuller....my son did the same thing,,holes in the walls...breaking MY things.....pushing me,,kicked me...slamming doors in my face..disrespect like ive never seen....im 5' hes 6'.. and much much heavier than me..... i kept threatening to have him arrested,,told him how much i loved him and i put up with that for TOOOOO long.......the first time should have been the last ..my boyfriend tells me i LOVE MY KIDS TOO MUCH.... I finally called the cops and they wernt very nice ...used him to open the screen door when they arrested him,,,,he was fingerprinted,,,charged with assault and battery and threw in juvinile .. i cried for hours....this was on a sat... so he didnt go in front of judge until mon. He was 16. and hes never touched me to this day. he is 19 now and ive drilled it in his head that he wont go to juvi,,he goes to prison now. and to the person who says i contradict myself....about the books and therapists writing books...??? a book cant put you on meds..... when you go to a therapist thats the first thing they want to do..diagnose with SOMETHING....look up the history of bipolar...and how that shit started....its a joke..and ADHD?? ya they told me my son had it when he was in the sec grade and wanted to put him on meds ,, THANK GOD i said NO WAY.....hes fine today...he was a normal active child that didnt like school and the teachers couldnt handle him..oh so just put him on medication to sedate him enough so he wont be a "problem"....all these parents who "depend" and looks like you do...... on a "good therapsist" you all have issues.....you need to just realize that what your doing isnt working so YOU TRY something different......whether its calling the cops and NOT ALLOWING YOURSELF TO BE ABUSED BY A FOURTEEN YEAR OLD.....put your foot down on that one,..it may not be overnight but your a parent deal with the problems that come with it ..thats life......instead of talking to someone who really doesnt give a rats ass about you or your life who goes home and has dinner with the hubby and talks about all the fucked up patients she had that day...alls shes doing is A JOB.....writing her paperwork for the state ..... and collecting her paycheck.......oh you should research how much doctors get for every prescription they write,,,, it will explain why they are so quick to whip out that pen and prescription pad........

Jacquelyn - posted on 02/22/2010

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OK I have a now 14 going to be 15 in June and I swear I thought we were going to end up going toe to toe many a times over the last couple of years, and then there is the added pressure of a step dad that doesnt know anything on taking care of a teen girl that is going thru life changing changes in every way... OH MY the Drama the fights in home in school with friends with us. All and all I will tell you only one small thing that will help extremely. YOU MUST BE A DUCK!!! ok ok this sounds funny I know.. if she is safe, healthy, "generally" not hurting anyone or anything.. then be a duck, you will have to learn that things may seem directed at you and the bad attitudes, and eye rolling and door slamming, are not always under their control, and when you ask them and they say I DONT KNOW.. they very well may not know. So BE A DUCK... pick your things to stand hard and fast on... but let the rest roll off your backs. Mine has ADHD and alot of father issues due to abandonment, and a step DAD. We made it thru this far and so shall you. Even when you wonder when her head is going to twist around exorcist style...lol OH yeah!! Lots of Prayer for her and also for you! ALSO HITTING SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED FROM HER, even if it is just to look cool in front of kids.

Just chant BE A DUCK!! QUACK!

Amy - posted on 02/22/2010

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i am a mother of (d) 13, son(7) and daughter 3. i feel ur pain, my teenage daughter has angry fits and yells and screams if she dont get her way . it has gotten this whole house in turmoil, i am trying to be fair and let her do things with her friends, she will be nice to be able to do activity. then its back to her old ways. she is constantly poking at her dad, aging him on till a full blown fight has started and i am stuck trying to calm them both down. it has escalated with my husband telling her if she dont like our rules then move out! i totally disagree with him saying that and i then tell him not acceptabler to me!! the other kids are starting to act like her, angry and throwing a fit crying if dont get their way. i am getting a handle on the younger ones but need help with my teen. any advise for me too.

Patty - posted on 08/27/2009

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I can understand your frustration. I have a 16 year old that is very strong willed but I'm lucky that he's not put his hands on me. He's threaten me that he would and I've made it known that if he touches me I have no problem calling the police. I know this is harsh, but love is unconditional but doesn't give him/her or anyone else the right to lay a hand on us.

Stand your ground when you lay down the law. If she throws a fit let her and walk away. If you try to confront her while she's having the fit it will only get worse because thats what she wants. Eventually, she knows y'all give in.

After the fit, explain that we ALL make choices in life. Make it know you will give her a warning in the future of her behavior for her to correct. If SHE chooses to continue this behavior she can choose between two punishment (one worse than the other). Your putting the ball back in her court. If she does not decide, you will and of course you should pick the worse of the two. The "I hate you" is a guilt trip she's put on you to make you give in. The more you play into it the more she has control.

Also, encourage that she can come talk to you and will just listen. Sometimes thats all they want.

Teresa - posted on 08/25/2009

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I am the biological mother of five,and previously,a step-mother to four.I have had to deal with this type of behavior,and it's especially difficult to figure out the best course of action for step-kids.They like to throw it in your face that YOU are NOT their mother,they don't have to listen to you,and etc.....After trying everything,including counseling,I have come to the conclusion that the best course of action,especially if there is physical violence involved,is to set up a meeting with social services and a probation officer.Let THEM talk to her,let her see what could happen if her behavior does not improve!By the age of 13,she knows the difference between right and wrong.And she knows it is up to her how she is going to behave.I was 13 once,as we all were.And I don't know about the rest of you,but I can honestly say,I knew exactly what I was doing,and even though it would be easy to blame others for my behavior,I know it was entirely my choice to act the way I did.Just the threat of being sent to "juvie" was enough to set me straight!And the emotional maturity eventually came,once I realized I was not only hurting myself,but others,too.Not everyone is going to agree with me,but this is my advice.Good luck.

Stacy - posted on 08/25/2009

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Counselling couldn't hurt...Why not?



Sometimes the issue isn't 'not' talking to your teenager that's the problem...it's knowing HOW to talk to your teenager...and counselling can help with that...



Teenagers experience all these feelings and emotions they've never had before and don't know how to deal with them or how to control them...their parents didn't either when they were teenagers I'm sure...meeting with a counselor can just smooth things out for the the parents and the teenager to be able to communicate easier and more effectively...to repair the parent /child bond and prevent any further damage...Nothing wrong with that!



I am all for family counseling...it's not for the weak and timid, it's for the strong who aren't afraid of admitting 'hey, I don't know how to deal with this situation and I could use some help'...



I'm for saving my kids from themselves, I know because I was that 'bad teenager'....



I ask Why not? Why not do something other than lecturing to deaf ears, reading some stupid book, yelling back and forth, fighting and standing on the side lines feeling helpless as your kids screw up their life all because 'YOU don't believe' in something...





 



 



Quoting Lisa:



Quoting Debra:

Counseling? It's a very good thing if you have a smart counselor. They teach you and your loved one how to communicate? Interact? A good counselor will talk to both of you privately, then together.

Good Luck





Im sorry.. I dont believe in counceling.. i believe the counceler is the mother.... life is full of problems..you have to teach your kids that things do go wrong.. oh well deal with it..there are always going to be people who dont like you..school or work .. theres always going to be people that talk behind your back.. school or work.. life is not easy so learn to deal with it !! find WAYS to deal with your anger.. explain  to your teenager that when shes working and she gets mad at her boss she cant tell him to fuck off or shut up cause then shell get fired and then who will pay the bills? i stressed this many times with my daughtter..and not when she was angry i talked to her about this in casual conversation.....I cant stand when people have problems they run to a therapist.. these therapists are quick to diagnose bipolar and throw them on drugs.. im sorry. .. i know there alot of people out ther that depend on a therapist to "fix" them.. I am a firm believer in TALKING TO YOUR KIDS.. you might have years of problems..so you spend years of telling your kids YOU ARE THERE...and YOU LOVE THEM... and doing everything you can to be there and not GIVE UP and throw them into counceling because you cant "fix" whatever problem your facing... my mother threw me in counceling every single time there was a problem.. I would have RATHERED she talked to me....





 

Danielle - posted on 08/25/2009

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Congratulations! You have a completely normal adolescent daughter! When you have a little girl who is trying not to be "little" anymore; completely confused about who she is; trying to navigate the difficult (if not impossible) peer hierchy of middle school/junior high, trying to find the place where she fits in, incredibly hormonal, awkward and uncomfortable kid - you most certainly have a teenage daughter. The more you try and convince her not to hate you, the more annoying you become to a thirteen year old. Just be patient. She'll grow out of it and she will eventually become the responsible, mature, successful adult you've been shaping her into for the past decade. Try not to over-evaluate everything. As long as she is not using drugs, engaging in criminal behavior, flunking out of school or engaging in promiscious behavior - you will very likely come up on the other side relatively unscathed. When her moods seem too much, walk away and don't take it personally. There is a saying that says "when our daughters deserve love the least is when they need it the most". What has always worked like a charm for me is when I say to my daughter "I don't like how your talking to me so I'm not going to talk to you". And then just ignore her until she can treat you with mutual respect. You'd be amazaed at how quickly they change their tune when you take the wind out of their sails. Just hang in there!

Michelle - posted on 08/25/2009

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I entered my child into an anger management course with the help from his doctor...it really works..or it did for my child!

Melora - posted on 08/24/2009

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Hi Tara

We had a similar situation with our daughter. She started becoming angry around 13 and things got progressively worse over the next two years. When we found out she was self-mutilating and experimenting with pot, we took major action. We sent her to a program for teens in crisis. It was the most amazing experience for the entire family! She is now 20 years old, a junior in college and has her life back and she will tell you that the program saved her. You can read our story at www.melora.parentshelpingteens.com



Please don't give up. You think you are the only one going through something like this - that no one knows the pain you are feeling. Been there... done that... got the T-shirt.



One of the hardest things they (kids) have to realize is that it was their choices that landed them in the program... or jail... or whatever. I talk to parents all the time who hesitate to do something like this. I tell them it's better than not knowing where they are or visiting them in jail... or worse, the cemetary.



And hard doesn't begin to describe what we as parents go through in making this decision. But stick to your guns. You are the parent - they are the child. You love them and are responsible to provide for their needs... not their self-entitled wants. A home. Food. Clothes. Medicine. Unconditional love. You are not responsible to provide TV's in rooms - cell phones - computers. etc. It's better for them to cry now than become adults and not be able to handle the reality of life.



Hope this helps some. They don't call it tough love because it's easy. Please Please check out the website for our story and request information that will help! I had the information for two years before it got so bad we had to do WHATEVER it took to save our child. AND WE DID!!!!



Melora Bush

Carrie - posted on 08/24/2009

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Talk to your employer about company provided counseling benefits. Ours provides them free of charge. I would go by myself first. If that therapist pre-judges or tells you to "read a book", demand a new therapist. Then ask your daughter to join you when you and the therapist feels it's time. This isn't just about her behavior but how it affects you and how you deal with it.

Susan - posted on 08/24/2009

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I have a 13 year old who has the same chesty problem but she is really short 4'11" so she is a real sight for the eyes. I am no expert so I hope I don't offend you in anyway. Your daughter is not odd and you should try to not use terms like chest of a 20 year old. This defines her in her mind to be odd and she is not! She is lucky to be the way she is and your message is short so maybe you already do this but you should let her know this. Kids today are so %$#& mean if she was flat chested and the same height as all the other children there would be something else they would find to tease her about. The anger & her putting her hands on you may come from the treatment at school but it sounds to me like something else is going on. Mom she is reaching out to you for some reason or another and doing it in a bad way but she is reaching out & screaming for your help. Because of her size people are going to think that your daughter is much more experienced than she is or wants to be and this is very frustrating to her. She is young inside and mature on the out, very frustrating. Remember that anger is a very natural feeling and she is aloud to be angry at you or anyone or thing. What the two of you need to work on is how she deals with her anger. Putting her hands on you is so wrong in every manner and needs to be stopped now. Do this is a very delicate manner with love and positive reinforcement though because being angry at her will only push her further away. This is going to be a long process so don't expect results over night, it took 13 years for her to act like this it will be awhile for her to stop. When you deal with this do it at a time where you have not been arguing and tell her you need to talk but that it is her choice of when you do it. Give her some time ( not too much ) and believe me she will come to you. Make it a girls ( you & her) days out, go shopping (not a mall) store to store, have lunch, do a movie. The time you are driving from place to place in the car will be when you can try to talk this out. She is a typical 13 year old they all have smart mouths, pick your battles wisely, but do not let her put her hands on you. If none of this works you better try to get to a family guidance center for their professional help.
The best of luck,
Sue

Jessica - posted on 08/24/2009

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Wow, you have your hands full. Well I have a 13 yr old daughter going on 20. LOL My ex-father in law once said to me "a little fear is healthy", i thought he was so cruel to even suggest that. Well let me tell you, after 3 years of conuseling after my divorce, he is right. I told by my girls, I love you PERIOD. But, I will NOT tolerate your behavior. If you dont like it find a home that you do. (Trust me they dont) Seem like she is crying out for attention from you, bad attention is even attention. Tell her that she has more than those brainless kids at school do. Models are TALL!!! Not only beautiful they are tall, and those kids at her school are just jealious. When she is raking in the $$$ from a basketball scholorship those kids will be crying themselves. Tell her to get tough skin shes gonna need it thru life, but it will all pay off in the end. My 2 girls are complete opposite. One tall (Long legs) thin blonde, the other short, chunky, and dark (yes same father) so they get it from both ends. Keep your head up I hope this helped a little bit.

Brandi - posted on 08/23/2009

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I'm sure some of her anger does stem from being "different." The best advice I have is just to talk to her she's never been a teenager and you've never been the mother of a teen, it's a tough road. Maybe even spend a day together --just the 2 of you,maybe being the oldest is putting pressure on her but she needs to know that she's setting an example for her siblings. If she won't talk to you, is there a grandparent or close adult friend?

Toni - posted on 08/23/2009

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First of all she is 13!!! 13 is a rough age, too old to play with the young ones and too young to play with the older ones...Trying times. Second thing, DO NOT let your child hit you!!!! Period. You are the mother not a friend. Your job is to protect her and keep her safe, not be her punching bag. I am hoping you do not put up with this type of temper tantrum. I am guessing she is seeking attention, yea, I know she is not 2 yrs old but the fact of the matter is she still needs her mom. But, her negative behavior is not going to work. If this means, spanking her, taking away all privileges then so be it. I am the mother of an 18 and 11 yr old boys, both are huge football players and let me tell you, I have had to go nose to nose and toe to toe with them. They do not disrespect me and if I have to pick up something I will win the fight. Show your daughter you are in charge, whether she likes it or not, give her structure, she may balk at it, but trust me she wants the structure. Other than that, welcome to the teenage years, they are plenty fun. Good luck and god bless.

Melissa - posted on 08/23/2009

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Children at this age usually won't tell you even if you ask. They expect you to know, just because you are mom. I was molested at that age by a family memeber. I acted out but even I didn't know why. My mom asked me, I would blurt out hints but I never just came out and said it. I felt like "you know everything else, you're not paying enough attention to me to notice something's different...There can be many reasons. Be prepared to know deal with the situations. Many times we as parents hate to think/Admit that we could have contributed to this behavior. Alot of times we are. You have to get in their business. Ask indirect questions totally unrealated. There is a problem, like I said before pray that God gives you strength and wiosdom to endure. You've never raised a teenager before. You are doing the right thing, seek to find out more about what's going on with them. Use your intuition.

Tammy - posted on 08/23/2009

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I also had that problem with my daughter, till I found out that she was totally being bullied at school. There might be some underlying reason she is striking out like that. My daughter at that age was also very well developed and it made school a living hell for her. Just ask your daughter about how school and her friends are doing, and you might be surprised to find the answer.

Carol - posted on 08/22/2009

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Hi Tara, I have 4 daughters and have gone through various things with them. It says in Proverbs, a few times, that kids need physical punishment, and there is a reason for that. Almost all parents that I know that don't spank their kids have kids and teens that feel out of control. My 13 yr. old daughter knows that if she is disrespectful to me she will get a warning. If she does it again, she'll get it. Sometimes if the first offense is bad enough, she'll get it right then. I also have a 20 yr. old, 18 and 10 yr. old. None of them have EVER raised a hand or even thought about raising a hand to me. I love my kids very much. They are well rounded, have a good life and a relationship with the Lord. They are good girls and respect authority. Praise God. I give Him all the glory.

Donna - posted on 08/22/2009

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I know how u feel. I have a 13 yr. old son. Going throught the same thing. Mouth running, attitude, mood swings... It's a never ending battle. Sometimes my son can b so lovable & then it's I hate u. What I have learned is keep talking to them. Don't push,they will talk when they r ready. Also remind them you love them & are here for them. GL.

Jeannine - posted on 08/22/2009

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Tara, Stay your ground. This too will pass. My daughter now 23 is my best friend. Things change. In the mean time, pick your battles. Every morning give her to God. Just love her and try not to respond to her hateful remarks. Tell her you love her every day, and let her talk. Most important listen.

Decide what you will not tolerate, such as hitting you or name calling. Consequences are losing privleges. Have cooling down times where she and you separate in the house till you can come together and discuss things. Remember on small issues, ask yourself....How important is it?

Good luck

Jeannine

Terry - posted on 08/22/2009

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You may not believe in counseling, but in some cased counseling can save your child's life. It isn't always easy to talk to mom and dad. I always communicated with my son, we had open door policy. Some times children are ashamed of how they feel and they tend to hold back and hold things in. I didn't run to a therapist to fix a problem. I sat down with my child and discussed if he felt talking to someone else might help and he said yes. Counseling isn't there to fix this, they are there to listen and have an open bias ear. Sometimes as a parent, it is not easy to be bias because you are dealing with your own flesh and blood. I respect your opinion, but from personal experience counseling helped my son recognize that mom and dad are his best resources because of our experiences. A few sessions included the parents and we picked up things that we might has been doing wrong. We were never parents of a teenager before, so having an open mind, heart and soul can go along way in helping a child. It did wonders for mine.

Terry - posted on 08/22/2009

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Quoting Lisa:



Quoting Debra:

Counseling? It's a very good thing if you have a smart counselor. They teach you and your loved one how to communicate? Interact? A good counselor will talk to both of you privately, then together.

Good Luck





Im sorry.. I dont believe in counceling.. i believe the counceler is the mother.... life is full of problems..you have to teach your kids that things do go wrong.. oh well deal with it..there are always going to be people who dont like you..school or work .. theres always going to be people that talk behind your back.. school or work.. life is not easy so learn to deal with it !! find WAYS to deal with your anger.. explain  to your teenager that when shes working and she gets mad at her boss she cant tell him to fuck off or shut up cause then shell get fired and then who will pay the bills? i stressed this many times with my daughtter..and not when she was angry i talked to her about this in casual conversation.....I cant stand when people have problems they run to a therapist.. these therapists are quick to diagnose bipolar and throw them on drugs.. im sorry. .. i know there alot of people out ther that depend on a therapist to "fix" them.. I am a firm believer in TALKING TO YOUR KIDS.. you might have years of problems..so you spend years of telling your kids YOU ARE THERE...and YOU LOVE THEM... and doing everything you can to be there and not GIVE UP and throw them into counceling because you cant "fix" whatever problem your facing... my mother threw me in counceling every single time there was a problem.. I would have RATHERED she talked to me....





 

Terry - posted on 08/22/2009

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I had similar issues when I was your daughters age (I am 45 now and much wiser..lol). I think some of her anger is coming from feeling like she doesn't fit in. Kids can be cruel and if kids are treating her like she is odd, they tend to accept what other kids say over a parent. I came from a family of 10 and I was the youngest. I like your daughter looked 20 when I was 13 and always felt out of place. The resources weren't there when I was her age. My son is soon to be 17, but had some issues a few years back with his self esteem. He wasn't lashing out or being disrespectful, but he would break down and want to know why he didn't fit in. I spoke to his pediatrician and they recommended a local center that deals with these type of issues. The folks are social workers/psychologist who deal with these type of issues. I took my son to about 10 sessions and what an amazing difference. She made him see he wasn't different, he was special. He had talents and interests that others might not have and that a lot of times kids make fun because they are jealous. Sometimes kids just need someone different besides mom and dad to talk to, an outside bias person. I went to a few sessions as well because I had never been a mom to a teenage, to see what I could do better. Oh what a difference, after those sessions he has an easier time telling me if something is a matter and he holds his head higher now. Reach out an utilize what is available in your community. It is covered by insurance or if insurance isn't an option, with 5 children you may qualify for free sessions. Good luck to you. Terry

Stefanie - posted on 08/21/2009

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Without going into all the same detail I think many of the parents have and are experiening w/ there teen daughters. I too had many of the same issue and tried, counseling, therapy, hospitalization which all they wanted to do is medicate her. Finally when it got so bad that we could not take an more and worried for her safety. We turned to our church youth pastors for guidance. They suggeted Teen Challenge which is a Christian based program. They are all over the country and did wonderful things for my daughter and our entire family. She was at Teen

Challenge for 18 months total, so she was not in our home during this time. She completed this past March and again is a wonderful young women, with confidence and the tools to deal with issue and trouble that come her direction. I cannot say enough about the program. If you or anyone else would want more info I have put their link on here or if you just want to ask questions please feel free to contact me. Whatever you do don't give up on her!! http://www.teenchallengeusa.com/program/

Glenna - posted on 08/21/2009

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Another wonderful option I have found is reading "The Power of a Praying Parent" by Stormie Omartian. It is available at Wal-mart for around $10 and it is the best resource I know of. When you are at your wit's end, you can find specific chapters on various behavioral issues, and there are Scripture-based prayers to pray over your child. Not only do I find that the situations begin to be resolved when I consistently pray, but I can find peace in the middle of trouble while I am waiting. It's so encouraging to know that even when we feel helpless, we can turn to the One who created these complicated people we call teenagers!

Christine - posted on 08/21/2009

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My daughter is 14 and looks as you say .. 20.... her attitude is awefull at times till she wants something and then shes a sweet as a birdy. Ive been going through feeling as if i raised her wrong, wanting to go to counceling, but havent gone because i too dont think it will help. Shes always angry with everyone no matter how nice shes being talked to. She always answers back in a mean way. when i try to talk to her she is awlays saying "ok" as if im supposed to stop talking to her so she can go on with her day that ive stopped.

I was always a problem child growing up and my mom doesnt have any helpfull answeres except.... "see how it feels".....

i try everyday to make her know i think shes pretty, i let her have her own style and have her become more comfortable with herself so that her self essteem will build. its working so far. At this time in their lives they feel different, even though we all know they are ALL different from each other. yet they believe they have to all be the same.



Maybe find out if she is feeling low abpout herself. affermait(sp) her on things she feels bad about. Making her feel comfortable with herself and happy for who she is works.

My daughter cant tell me anything yet all her friends rather come ot me then their own parents.. I know its her that feels uncomfortable, not me making her feel that way. Make her know your there, that you will be there when shes ready to talk. and be there when that time comes. believe in yourself too! they pick up on that. Let her know you love her everyday and that she is very importent to you and that shes special!

Michelle - posted on 08/21/2009

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I have a 13 year old daughter myself. Her name is Danielle and she finds that her eccentric style causes others to judge her before they get to know her. She is a really great girl and has a lot of good things to offer her friends. My daughter suggests that she should try to forget about what people are saying and be herself, no matter what people say or do. As for you, mom, I suggests doing more listening and less talking. Give her options that you would approve of and then let her make the decisions. Either option is acceptable to you, but it will empower her when she needs to exert some of her decision making skills. As for her figure, I have the same situation with my daughter. 38C and 5'6", and beautiful.....with a personality bigger than life, so I understand. She will have to learn to respect you, but chances are, her behavior was learned, maybe not at home, but it was learned. Therefore, it can be altered. Teens don't come with manuals, but just remember.....you were one once. Reflect, Listen and have lots of patience. Good Luck!

Jeanette - posted on 08/21/2009

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First thing you can do is pray and ask God for wisdom on dealing with the problem. If you don't go to church, that would be a good start. Is there a father in the picture or not? If not that could be part of the problem. Hitting is unacceptable behavior and should not be tolerated. You need to remember that no matter what you are the parent. A good book to read would be 5 love languages. It helps you understand how we receive love and if we are not receiving love that way then we are miserable. That could be your daughters problem. You need to find her love language. Hope this helps. Mother of 4

Brenda - posted on 08/21/2009

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I am a mother of 4, 15, 14, 11, & 10. My husband and I have taken on a different attitude with our daughter who is the 14 year old. She is the only girl and life is very different for girls. So we try to talk to her and ask her what she thinks her limits should be then we tell her our side and try to find a happy medium. She does more around the house than the boys do, because she chooses to and I think if we are open and listen to what she says and her feelings then we can always find a middle ground.



I think being a parent is more important than being a friend but they also have feelings and opinions and its important to know that. Maybe tell her you are trying something new to both of you and you want to know what she thinks she be allowed to do and then you tell her how you feel about it and see if you both can come up with a happy medium together.

Lena - posted on 08/21/2009

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A have a 13 year old girl. She is hot and cold. One minute I have a sweet child obediently doing her chores and the next minute I have a seething monster also telling me how I don't care about her. She wants nothing to do with me but then complains I don't spend enough time with her.



I have no advice to give. I think it is the age and we as the mothers cannot win. I do think that if you feel you need to do something to understand her better you could schedule an appointmrnt with a counselor. I am thinking about it myself.



I hope I can get through these teen years without going insane. Are teen boys this difficult, I wonder?

Dawn - posted on 08/21/2009

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Hi-

You are not alone!! I have 4 children--18(D), 16(S), 9(S), and 8(D).

My oldest has MAJOR anger issues (the others are OK for the most part--but feed of her anger). She also lies about things that she doesn't even have to lie about. I have tried getting her professional help--but at her age now, it is impossible!

I found a book that was good--you might want to read it. It is called "The Angry Child" by Congressman Tim Murphy, PH.D. and Loriann Hoff Oberlin. The ISBN number is

978-0-609-80751-4



I hope this helps--Try to get her to talk to someone now (at 13) before she refuses to listen to you at all.

Dawn

Sheila - posted on 08/20/2009

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I feel for you. Let me being by saying, I am a Mom of 4- 15(D), Twins 13(D) (D), 18 months (D). I also am divorces from the older girls dad and remarried to a wonderful guy.



Any way we have had a lot of anger in our house, an I know you love your daughter very much and would do anything for her. But she must learn that no matter what she wants to do, there is sometimes a reason why she can't. And that you are only trying to help her find the right direction, to be the best person she can be. But she must first get a hold of her anger. I had to take 2 of my girls to therepy because of the anger they had an thought they could control the house. We are in check now but it came with a lot of hard work on ALL our parts. I am by no means saying your daughter needs therepy, just telling you what worked for us. Will keep you in my thoughts and hope for the best.

Colleen - posted on 08/20/2009

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Quoting Lisa: Look lets face it I am sorry to say and I know I am not perfect but I do try to be an effective parent as much as I can.  But....some parents are dead beats, they are selfish and don't really care to try and help and they are the ones that need the counselling to be a better parent.  There are heaps of wonderful, loving parents and carers out there but again, face it some don't give a monkey's about their kids and are so into themselves.






That is my argument for engaging a cousellor.









 I couldn't agree more.  Let's face it, most teenagers, especially girls, don't open up to their mothers and they most certainly don't value their mothers' advice or experiences.





 

Cheryl - posted on 08/20/2009

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Quoting Lisa: Look lets face it I am sorry to say and I know I am not perfect but I do try to be an effective parent as much as I can.  But....some parents are dead beats, they are selfish and don't really care to try and help and they are the ones that need the counselling to be a better parent.  There are heaps of wonderful, loving parents and carers out there but again, face it some don't give a monkey's about their kids and are so into themselves.



That is my argument for engaging a cousellor.



Quoting Debra:

Counseling? It's a very good thing if you have a smart counselor. They teach you and your loved one how to communicate? Interact? A good counselor will talk to both of you privately, then together.

Good Luck





Im sorry.. I dont believe in counceling.. i believe the counceler is the mother.... life is full of problems..you have to teach your kids that things do go wrong.. oh well deal with it..there are always going to be people who dont like you..school or work .. theres always going to be people that talk behind your back.. school or work.. life is not easy so learn to deal with it !! find WAYS to deal with your anger.. explain  to your teenager that when shes working and she gets mad at her boss she cant tell him to fuck off or shut up cause then shell get fired and then who will pay the bills? i stressed this many times with my daughtter..and not when she was angry i talked to her about this in casual conversation.....I cant stand when people have problems they run to a therapist.. these therapists are quick to diagnose bipolar and throw them on drugs.. im sorry. .. i know there alot of people out ther that depend on a therapist to "fix" them.. I am a firm believer in TALKING TO YOUR KIDS.. you might have years of problems..so you spend years of telling your kids YOU ARE THERE...and YOU LOVE THEM... and doing everything you can to be there and not GIVE UP and throw them into counceling because you cant "fix" whatever problem your facing... my mother threw me in counceling every single time there was a problem.. I would have RATHERED she talked to me....





 

Cheryl - posted on 08/20/2009

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Quoting Lisa:



Quoting Debra:

Counseling? It's a very good thing if you have a smart counselor. They teach you and your loved one how to communicate? Interact? A good counselor will talk to both of you privately, then together.

Good Luck





Im sorry.. I dont believe in counceling.. i believe the counceler is the mother.... life is full of problems..you have to teach your kids that things do go wrong.. oh well deal with it..there are always going to be people who dont like you..school or work .. theres always going to be people that talk behind your back.. school or work.. life is not easy so learn to deal with it !! find WAYS to deal with your anger.. explain  to your teenager that when shes working and she gets mad at her boss she cant tell him to fuck off or shut up cause then shell get fired and then who will pay the bills? i stressed this many times with my daughtter..and not when she was angry i talked to her about this in casual conversation.....I cant stand when people have problems they run to a therapist.. these therapists are quick to diagnose bipolar and throw them on drugs.. im sorry. .. i know there alot of people out ther that depend on a therapist to "fix" them.. I am a firm believer in TALKING TO YOUR KIDS.. you might have years of problems..so you spend years of telling your kids YOU ARE THERE...and YOU LOVE THEM... and doing everything you can to be there and not GIVE UP and throw them into counceling because you cant "fix" whatever problem your facing... my mother threw me in counceling every single time there was a problem.. I would have RATHERED she talked to me....





 

Colleen - posted on 08/20/2009

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Quoting Lisa


Im sorry.. I dont believe in counceling.. i believe the counceler is the mother.... life is full of problems..you have to teach your kids that things do go wrong.. oh well deal with it.



.....I cant stand when people have problems they run to a therapist.. these therapists are quick to diagnose bipolar and throw them on drugs.. im sorry. .. i know there alot of people out ther that depend on a therapist to "fix" them..



I am a firm believer in TALKING TO YOUR KIDS.. you might have years of problems..so you spend years of telling your kids YOU ARE THERE...and YOU LOVE THEM... and doing everything you can to be there and not GIVE UP and throw them into counceling because you cant "fix" whatever problem your facing... my mother threw me in counceling every single time there was a problem.. I would have RATHERED she talked to me....





I'm not sure what you're saying here.  Here you say you don't believe in counceling and that parents should talk to their kids, but in the post above you wrote that there are lots of great booksout there to give your kids.  I'm sure most of them are written by councelors and doctors and such.



Counceling works for some people and doesn't work for others.  Sometimes the counceling is more important for the parents to learn how to teach the kid to deal with the problems versus letting the councelor fix the kid. 



Sometimes the problems are bigger than you can handle and all the love in the world won't fix it. 



I say, if you can't help them, find someone who can!

Colleen - posted on 08/20/2009

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By the way, last year my daughter was diagnosed (correctly) with bipolar disorder after being incorrectly diagnosed with ADHD in first grade.

Colleen - posted on 08/20/2009

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Counceling is very important for teenagers. I think whether it comes from a family friend, a priest or minister, a social worker in an official capacity, a guidence councelor, or a parent, kids need to learn how to cope with problems in their lives. They problems they face today are a lot bigger than the ones I dealt with at her age. I have a teen (17) who has been through so much that I couldn't help her.

She always had trouble making and keeping friends. She was asked not to return to the school she was in. A lot of this I blamed on my decisions. I remarried and moved and changed her school and I thought most of what was going on with her was my fault.

Then she got into drugs, cutting, skipping school and that's when I realized her problems were bigger than what I could handle. Unfortunately it was too late at that point.

She has disappeared for several days at a time. Most recently was this week. She is on the verge of quitting school and she has treated me like garbage. Not a great lesson for my second child who is only 5. He's learning how to treat mommy like crap now. Great!

Get your child some counceling. It's the best thing you could do for your other kids. Don't wait until it's too late.

Diane - posted on 08/20/2009

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I can relate to this problem. I have a 15 year old daughter. She has been a problem child since she was 2 years old. Everyone keeps telling me she will get better. I have done everything from counseling to tough love nothing works. She talks to me like I am a piss of S***. If I tell her no or she doesn't get her way she yells at me for hours, throws things, has broke the bedroom door, etc. Her boyfried is her bestfriend cousin and lives at her bestfriends house. I have put her on birth control to prevent the obvious and hopefully to help control her mood swings. His parent have tried to convenice me to let her stay with them and that nothing is going to happen. I am not stupid I know the game they are playing and she is playing. But like I said I have done everything from counseling to tough love. None of it has worked. Counselors (more than 2) have told me that she is strong willed and she has to learn by her mistakes, that there is nothing I can to but stand my ground. I do stand my ground but the 3 hours of yelling and screaming from her takes a toll. My problems with her stim from grades to everything you can imagine. Everything is our life is a fight. I wish everyone the best of luck with your teenagers.

[deleted account]

Quoting Debra:

Counseling? It's a very good thing if you have a smart counselor. They teach you and your loved one how to communicate? Interact? A good counselor will talk to both of you privately, then together.

Good Luck


Im sorry.. I dont believe in counceling.. i believe the counceler is the mother.... life is full of problems..you have to teach your kids that things do go wrong.. oh well deal with it..there are always going to be people who dont like you..school or work .. theres always going to be people that talk behind your back.. school or work.. life is not easy so learn to deal with it !! find WAYS to deal with your anger.. explain  to your teenager that when shes working and she gets mad at her boss she cant tell him to fuck off or shut up cause then shell get fired and then who will pay the bills? i stressed this many times with my daughtter..and not when she was angry i talked to her about this in casual conversation.....I cant stand when people have problems they run to a therapist.. these therapists are quick to diagnose bipolar and throw them on drugs.. im sorry. .. i know there alot of people out ther that depend on a therapist to "fix" them.. I am a firm believer in TALKING TO YOUR KIDS.. you might have years of problems..so you spend years of telling your kids YOU ARE THERE...and YOU LOVE THEM... and doing everything you can to be there and not GIVE UP and throw them into counceling because you cant "fix" whatever problem your facing... my mother threw me in counceling every single time there was a problem.. I would have RATHERED she talked to me....

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