13 yr old having sex :(

Leanne - posted on 10/21/2010 ( 18 moms have responded )

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I am totally ripped to pieces at the moment after finding out that my daughter (13) has been having sex with her boyfriend (14).This has been the most traumatic bit of parenting i have been through yet it has ripped my family apart.
My daughter has always been a grade a student and always had her head screwed on,but from what i can make out has been sweet talked by a boy who promised her the world and more into having sex.I am not blaming just him of course she made the decision to say yes.
I contacted the boys parents straight away as it had been happening in their home they were as shocked as me.
You just hope when ur bringing up ur kids that u have given them all the right info to make the right choices,now this has opened a whole knew can of worms that my 13 yr can't cope with including having an implant contraception put in.She is sobbing all the time as am i but i don't know how we are suposed to move on from this right now life is very very hard.

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Sherri - posted on 11/11/2010

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I disagree Joanne at 13 it is NOT a natural part of life. My recommendations would never let her out of your site or the site of an adult. I don't ever have to worry about things like that yet since my boys are never out of an adults supervision and won't be for quite a while and I have a 13, 12 & 4yr old.

Gena - posted on 10/21/2010

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I found out my daughter was also having sex at 13. I was dissapointed but realized that children today are very young when they start. The best thing a parent can do is educate her on STD's, teen pregnancy, and arrange an OB/GYN appointment for her. We are powerless to being in control of everything that our teens do and when we get involved, it is after the event. Do your best to keep an open mind and open arms to your daughter because if she told you, she trusted you...if she didn't, the best way to help establish communication is to 'listen' and 'tell how you feel'. So often they see anger from parents when they are confused themselves and to express fear for her future is more effective in getting them to listen to what you have to say. Remind yourself that YOU are not to at fault and that this is a normal teen experience in society today unfortunately, and that is why education is so important for such an adult decision.

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User - posted on 04/05/2012

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Leanne.. I am new to this site.. When reading your post, it was if I was writting it myself.. I just found out yest that my 13 yr old has been having sex for 6 months with 14 yr old boyfriend.. I am floored! I am feeling every emotion there is to feel.. I have had talks with her and him over and over again.. She hid it very well. Confronted his parents with it, and they actually didnt act like it was a big deal. Said they were just teens and this stuff is going to happen. I am still in shock of their reaction as well... And to top it off, boyfriend breaks up with her at school today after she just came from dr (where I had preg test and std test along with birth control) She is devestated to say the least and its hard for me to even be suportive because I am so very hurt from all the lies and deception from her.. I really hate to see her hurt and hope this is a life lesson for her. I also hope with time we can regain our relationship and put this past us. So, I feel your pain and can deff sympathize. I am feeling it too.. Lord be with us mothers of teenage daughters!

Joanne - posted on 11/09/2010

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Sex is not a bad thing it is a natural part of life. The real stress of a person having sex at a young age is, I hope she doesn't come home and tell me she is pregnant, I hope she doesn't come home with a life threatening vanerial disease. When a young person is ready to experiment with sex they are going to, whether you know about it or accept it or not. So the best thing to do is not worry about the act bit inforce, encourage and be persistent about using condoms and all protection methods necessary. My moto to my children was, "if it's not on, it's not on". I accepted the reality and even went to the point where I ensured there was condoms in the house. My daughter is now 22 and my son is now 20, they have been in seriously relationships now for the past 3 years and I am still not a grandmother and they are still healthy. You need to be open about the topic of sex and discuss the implications of not having safe sex.

Beverly - posted on 11/01/2010

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It's not easy when we find out our kids are having sex but like my mom always said, Good kids have sex too and they do it when they are ready not when us moms are ready for it. Keep the lines of communication open and remember she's still the same young girl she was before she decided to have sex. Good luck! Bev

Jennifer - posted on 10/28/2010

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Ultimately it is her choice when she is ready to have sex but I am a little surprised that you would opt for an implant over other methods. In my state they will NOT put in an implant unless a woman has given birth as the cevix needs to be dialated to insert this. It seems strange that would be the choice at 13. When my daughter started having sex at 15 I only suplied her with condoms. I also had the talk with her about pregnancy and std's but with only giving her condoms I know she is protected from both those things. I know she uses them because she lets me know when she needs more. I feel that if you give a child an alternative method of birth control then they dont feel they need to use condoms. That is just my opinion. There are worse things than pregnancy out there. Good luck with your daughter, I hope she learned from the experience

Leanne - posted on 10/28/2010

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Well we have been and sorted birth control and had numerous conversations with dr this week and am pleased to say things seem to be getting back on track again,no matter what she has done she is still my baby girl and always will be and i am determined not to let this ruin our relationship.Thankyou all for the supportive replies xxx

Leisha - posted on 10/27/2010

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I think as parents we expect our kids to do as we did when we were growing up. However, our children are growing up in very different times, everything they see is sex related. Music videos, video games, commercials on tv. Sex is everywhere for them and so many teenagers are trying to figure out how to fit in they do things that they think will make them more "cool" and accepted. You've had the talk about safe sex, pregnancy and std's that's the easy part. Now talk to her about being true to herself, figuring out who she is, and to be confident about her self. It's sooo hard. I try to instill in my 14yr old that she's beautiful and awesome and she should be confident about who she is. I tell her to stand for something otherwise you'll fall for anything. That way when some cute boy has all the right answers, you can already know what your answer is going to be. And I hope it's "get to steppin!!"

Cynthia - posted on 10/27/2010

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love her and try to be very open in how you feel about it and let her express her feelings too !

Toni - posted on 10/25/2010

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One of the major stresses of parenthood today. I would immediately bring my daughter to an ob/gyn for her first exam, and discuss birth control with the staff. Sometimes teens don't listen to their parents, but I would make it a point that if she's not ready for sex, she can say no, and you would always be there for her whatever her decision is. I would also discuss even though she not the male, using a condom (and carry them like she would a tampon), will protect herself from STDs. This is not to promote sex it's to protect her. I feel your pain, and this is a very sensitive subject. My prayers are with you.

Louise - posted on 10/25/2010

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You know your own child the best. I have to say we have been lucky raising two boys who have waited. It seems that they are in the majority these days. Teenagers these days do not see sex as a relationship just a past time! Well you have found out about your daughters sex life and now you and her have to move on. She knows how disappointed you are with her and she must feel embarassed and disappointed in herself too. Take her for an OBGYN appointment to check every thing is ok and then put her on long term birth control because believe me she will do it again at some point. Just because you have found out does not mean she will stop. Protect her as much as you can. If you have had the chat over AIDS and other STDS you can only hope that she has practised safe sex. If you have done all this then you have to now push it to the back of your mind and try and carry on. Your daughter does not want to talk about it and nor do you. Try and go back to being mum again and not look at her with those disappointing looks. Try an get her interested into clubs like karate or Netball or something. You just need a fresh start. Things will get better it is just a bit raw right now.

Sara - posted on 10/22/2010

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Teenagers having sex too young doesn't necessarily mean parents are failing or the teen is headed for certain life failure. But it does mean the potential for pain, consequences and confusion are raised exponentially and that is very sad. I have had to remove my fear of "failing" as a parent and play the ball where it lands. Let her know she can relcaim a simpler cleaner less complicated life back and you canhelp her to so. if she feels shame and guilt and knows you are horribly disappointed she may just keep it a better secret. I am learing sometimes I have to meet her where she is to get her where she needs to be. But God love the mother of teen girls. And God love the girls as they grow into women.

Beth - posted on 10/22/2010

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I know it doesn't. Nothing will except time. I'm sure you DID give her all the info and all you possibly could...that's plain in the fact that you're so hurt and upset. There is no easy answer, no magic wand...BOY do I wish there was. Hopefully she learns that some people will say anything to get what they want. I always tell my son True Love Waits...doesn't stop him either. All you can do is the best you can do...and be there when she needs you. Hugs for you...

Leanne - posted on 10/22/2010

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forgot to say thankyou for coming forward and letting me know im not alone in this situation u always think its just urs at the time x

Leanne - posted on 10/22/2010

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I provided my daughter with every bit of information possible in the hope that she would not have sex underage,including the respect for ones self and all info about std's and pregnancy and all of that was washed away by a lad that promised her the world so shows it doesn't matter what info u give they will do things when they please.
She is going to have the contraceptive implant put in next week we have had the heart to heart the fights and now we are just trying to move on but it doesnt doesnt take away the hurt either of us are feeling right now.

Beth - posted on 10/22/2010

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Angie, unfortunately this IS the norm. I have a 15, almost 16, year old son who's been having sex since at least 14, when I found out. There are parties that quickly turn in to orgies, it's the THING to "do it", and they think that oral or anal sex is ok because you can't get pregnant. Leanne, I feel your pain. I was devistated when I found out about my son. I had a serious heart to heart with him about how sex complicates a relationship, it comes with A TON of responsibilites, etc. I told him that even tho he and his friends think they're old enough to handle it, they aren't. I was blunt. I made him sit and think it through, out loud, what he would do if he got a girl pregnant: job, housing, late night feedings, etc. I am a nurse so he listened to me when we discussed STD's, and how a girl can be carrying stuff she doesn't even know she has...and passing it along. I told him that studies show that when you have sex with a person you are effectively also having sex with everyone they slept with for the last 7 years, and THOSE people's last 7 years, and so on. In the end...I buy him condoms and take him for checkups. Everytime I hand him a box of condoms I tell him "do NOT mistake this as approval. I most certainly DO NOT approve of you having sex at this time in your life, but I also remember being 16 and I'm not stupid. I know that if you've made your mind up to do it I can't stop you." I also ask him occasionally, privately, if he's USING the condoms and if there were any problems, broke or whatever. I make him renew his promise to TELL ME if something like that happens so we can go get him checked out. And I pray a lot. I DON'T condemn him ever....and that's one of the reasons he tells me when things happen. Hugs.

Angie - posted on 10/22/2010

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Gena, I hope that this is not what normal teens experience in our society today. I would pray that this is an exception. Children are not ready to handle the emotional stress of sex and they certainly aren't ready to handle the physical stress of pregnancy or STD's. I pray that I have given my children the right tools to help them have enough respect for themselves not to make sex a normal part of their teen experiences.

Angie - posted on 10/21/2010

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I can imagine life must be difficult for all of you. All you can do is be supportive and let her know that just because she's had sex doesn't mean she has to continue to have sex. She has learned, the hard way, that this was a decision that she is too young to deal with. Boys can be pigs but as you said, she was just as responsible as him for their relationship. When I was under 18 I used to tell boys that I was too young, legally, to make life changing decisions but if my parents said it was okay, I'd have sex with them. It worked but I usually got dumped soon after. Good luck and keep working on this. It's going to take time, patience and tight supervision.

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