13yr daughter claims that step-father (since age of 18mos) has been 'touching' her

Momtoone - posted on 10/05/2011

Serina...did you bother to read then ENTIRE thread? She lied, she's in counseling, there was no abuse.

Serina - posted on 10/04/2011

I was a very watchful mother also after being abused for 12 years of childhood from my own father. Well I was not watchful enough. Both my son and my daughter claim abuse from their father and they are 11 years apart. I believed both of my kids. I did not get details either but I did not want them. I know when I finally told my mother I did not give details and she died not knowing all the gorey details. Get that girl into counciling and keep the step father away until you get to the bottom of this. As for her eyes darting around, how do you look your mother or anyone else in the eye telling them that their husband has abused them. Please trust your daughter. As an abuse victim yourself listen with your heart. Either way if she was or was not abused your daughter needs to talk to someone. I am sorry you are going through this but the way your daughter is acting is a sign of abuse in some girls. Flirting with men and boys. These are definetly warning signs. Talk to your husband too.

Yolanda - posted on 09/25/2011

Sounds as if she is using excuse to get out of trouble herself. But u must be careful with this. That is very serious to say someone has touched you, but trust your instinct it's always right.

Louise - posted on 09/25/2011

I think you have to tread carefully here because inapropriate sexual language and gestures is a tail of abuse somewhere along the line. The fact that she interacts fine with your husband suggests to me that it is not him. May be a boy at school is getting to personal with her and she has transposed that to your husband. Whatever is going on she needs help because this is a serious acqusation to make and needs exploring. Try and get her into counceling and then family counceling your husband also has a right to know that this is going on because it could get ugly. As a child that was abused yourself you know how difficult this situation is so tread carefully. There is a cry for help here it is just getting to the bottom of it that is going to need professional help.

Momtoone - posted on 09/24/2011

It was Diana, its one of the reasons I reached out to others...I knew it was hitting way to close to 'home' and I wouldn't be able to keep my own feelings/experiences out of it. Luckily we're in a great community, have a skilled counselor and a family determined survive this.

Diana - posted on 09/24/2011

That was a hard one for you to deal with because of your own experience, wasn't it? I'm so glad you are getting it sorted. ♥

Momtoone - posted on 09/22/2011

JuLeah stated that a child would never make up this kind of story... Simone also stated a child wouldn't make that up. My CHILD is 13, ADHD and well into the throws of puberty.



If people would take the time to read the ENTIRE thread before commenting, a whole lot of misunderstandings would be avoided.



My daughter has not been abused, her behavior is NOT in line with a child that has been abused and it has been determined by CPS and her psychologist that abuse DIDN'T occur.



So please, READ THE ENTIRE THREAD before you post your comments. It will save me a lot of unnecessary heartache and further anguish over this situation.

America3437 - posted on 09/22/2011

I agree and believe that yes it is possiable for kids to make it up. I was in no way saying it was not possiable at all just to find out truth before jumping to that conclusion.

Suzanne - posted on 09/22/2011

Ok I have to interject from a outsiders viewpoint.... As the mother you and your family are being tested and I understand your anger. As far as everyone else goes, I was the first to respond to this touchy situation and without having a degree or any legal knowledge to back me up - I can only say that this mother did what she needed to do and she was making sure her daughter knew she was going to do what she had to in order to protect her even though she herself had doubts.... Momtoone, I hope all is going well with you and yours

Momtoone - posted on 09/22/2011

Would a kid make up a story like this? YES! Mine did

America3437 - posted on 09/22/2011

I'm sorry if you feel you were judged in any way by me! Iwas just saying to trust your daughter first! I am glad she wasn't hurt and hope she learns a lesson from all this. I in no way judged you mam.

America3437 - posted on 09/22/2011

glad you got it straightned out.

Momtoone - posted on 09/22/2011

AND - I HAVE been sexually abused. The story lacked detail because there was NO detail because there was NO abuse. She got the idea from another girl.

But as we've already learned and what is obvious by the last few posts, we're guilty until proven innocent. We're that minute percentage of people dealing with a child who lied about a very serious matter.

Yes, my daughter needs help and she's getting it. But until you know ADHD and the effects it can have on a child, and not just the widely known ones, ALL of them...then you have no idea what they're capable of and how their mind works.

Leave your judgements for those who have the right to judge because we all live in glass houses.

Momtoone - posted on 09/22/2011

Not to be rude... my daughter LIED. Flat out. There is no abuse, she did it to shift the attention off her because she had gotten into trouble at school. Her ADHD meds weren't at the right level and she lost control of her anger and deductive reasoning. Our family has been through the ringer because of this situation. CPS, counseling, a marriage on edge, relationships damaged and more.

JuLeah - posted on 09/20/2011

I was abused by my grandfather while my mother drank coffee with my grandmother in the next room ... it happens. She might be very very messed up and making effort now to tell you the truth.



She might not be telling the truth ... if she were making up a story, I think you'd have a lot more detail - she'd make effort to make up a good story, so the fact that you are getting what you are getting makes me think maybe she is telling the truth



Would a kid make up a story like this to displace the blame for writting a note? No



If she is making this up, there is some underline issues, very big, very bad, and might be the center of all of her other issues



Her behavior is that is a kid who has been sexually abused



A doctor won't be able to tell much more then you can tell from talking to her ... there won't be any signs of abuse on her body, but that doesn't mean she was not abused. An exam might actually make things worse ... another invasion



I'd get her mental help - someone who understands teen who have been sexually abused, someone with a lot of experiance, training and education



Ohh, that she comes a sits on his lap is not a sign she was not abused ... kids compartmentalize, ya know ....I have worked with kids I know were abused who want to run and hug dad, sit on his lap ....



Kids have many reactions to stress ... all can be 'normal' for them .... get her help, don't dismiss her claims



Didn't read prior posts ....

America3437 - posted on 09/16/2011

Always believe your daughter first and formost!!!! Most sexually abused children are abused by people they know and trust! They will tend to favor this person and maybe she is just trying to tell you and feels that you don't believe her! You really need to talk to her or suggest the school counsler talk to her. God gave you the child, you picked the husband! Believe your daughter and I don't mean any disrespect to you but have had a friend who thought the same thing and she asked me to speak to her and after we talked I learned times places and even color of curtins, although facts were random and hard to piece togeather this mom felt guilt after learning her step father had been molesting her daughter. Not saying your husband is guility ,just think you should always beieve your child til the facts prove her wrong!

Simone - posted on 09/15/2011

please with no disrespect to you i have had 4 daughters and watcched like a hawk you say claim you should always believe your child first no matter if shes lying and let her know you believe her then start checking everything out all those behaviors are directly from sexual abuse and you cant make that up when your a child things seem huge as it is but then their is the blocking things out which they also do so shes giving you bit and peices when a young child goes through thoughs things they also get to a point where they think thats love and maybe agree to it so they get confused and embarrased i wouldnt be so quick to say shes lying she needs you to believe her no matter what !!!

Suzanne - posted on 09/02/2011

Well I am glad you appreciate my opinions :) Good luck with the "aftermath" and I am glad you have gotten in touch with a therapist that understands ADHD as that is very important.

Momtoone - posted on 09/01/2011

Thank you Suzanne... I appreciate you stepping up and acknowledging my plea for help. Its a touchy subject, one most don't want to touch. But my daughter now knows that I would risk losing her if that's what it would mean to protect her. But she's also learned that there are consequences to her actions and we've reached the face the music portion of this crazy dance.

The therapist our pediatrician recommended is well versed with ADHD kids and I'm hoping that will help since my daughter is ADHD with violent tendencies when not medicated.

Keep posting your opinions, they are well spoken.

Suzanne - posted on 09/01/2011

I am sure all of you have been on a roller coaster ride of emotions since all of this came about and I surely feel for you. I don't know about wise but definately have dealt with similar problems (not my own children but other family members in crisis with their own children) when I get called into help out. I felt for you since no one had wanted to step up and give any advice. Like I keep saying it is only my opinion and as you know everyone has one! I hate that your husband broke down over the situation but glad that your daughter got to see how it affected him. You still have a long road ahead of you to help mend your family emotionally but I believe you will be able to since you are all on the same "side" working towards the same goal. My prayers are with you.

Momtoone - posted on 09/01/2011

You are a wise woman... my daughter apologized to my husband today and had to witness him break down in tears. He's always the strong one in the house, never the emotional one. He told her that he doesn't hate her, he loves her and has only ever wanted the best for her.

The school counselor called me because the young lady my daughter 'confided' in did the right thing and reported the allegation. I spent a great deal of time this morning relaying everything that has gone on the last 4 months and read her the details that I wrote down. CPS has been contacted, so now we wait. She's scared out of her mind with how this has gotten so out of control. Hopefully lessons will be learned...

Suzanne - posted on 09/01/2011

Well I am glad she did confess to you and told the real truth. I hate that the other girl is being so ugly towards your daughter. You are on the right path asking for a psych eval for your daughter and girls are so mean. Make sure you tell your daughter that she is beautiful, thin, etc., because that will help her keep her self confidence up which is very important. As far as discipline goes - let her give you suggestions for punishment or lay out a few punishments that she can choose from. Obviously this is a huge problem but she needs to know that the psych evaluation is not a punishment and that you are not punishing her for being upset about hurtful words that the other girl said but for lying. Also bring up the fact that the words she said was hurtful to your husband (her dad) as the words that girl said was hurtful to her. Yes its a bit of a guilt trip but it will help her realize how words can really hurt and hopefully prevent her from doing it again. Also I would bring up the story of the little boy that cried wolf - its a great lesson in itself. Make sure whatever punishments you and she chooses that they "fit the crime". I would address the school about possibly having an assembly or class period to speak to the girls and/or boys about hurtful words and bullying without having anyone singled out. That would help everyone think about what they say before they say it. My children's school district has an assembly twice a year that talks about bullying, hurtful words and internet communications since kids are moving to their electronic devices to be hurtful. Well the best of luck to you, your daughter and everyone in your family as it will take all of you to work together to help her. Your husband, as I assume he knows her allegations, needs to sit down and talk to her with you, just to let her know he is not happy with her actions and lying but that he still loves her. I would also have him emphasize that it can NOT happen again. Well keep me posted and like I said before - its just my opinion but I try to be very honest with my kids about consequences to their behaviors (even little things like a white lie) and so far we are doing fairly well. The biggest thing we have had is multiple fights at school - and I took him to a juvenile probation who showed him a juvenile detention center online that he could end up in if he did not straighten up! It scared him silly as he has not had a fight in over 1 1/2 years! Good Luck!

Momtoone - posted on 09/01/2011

I took your advice Suzanne and my daughter confessed that it was all a lie. She said a student at school has been telling everyone they are sisters but that my daughter is the ugly, fat one that should never have been born. I have already called my daughter's pediatrician for a psychiatric referral. I think either way, we need professional help to uncover the full truth and to help us all heal from this event.

My concern now... if she made all of it up, how do you discipline for that?

Suzanne - posted on 09/01/2011

I am sorry to hear you are going thru all this with your daughter. I would say she is not telling the truth because as you said you have been sexually abused as a child. Some children will lie about what has happened to see if Mom or Dad believes them or even loves them. I have dealt with children of abuse as well as foster children who had been abused and each child is unique in their situation. I would take her to the doctor and explain to her before the appointment that if she makes these allegations the consequences that can come out of them. Like your husband (who she apparently really loves) could face prison time, would be forced to leave the house, etc., Also explain to her that you would have to work full time so that would mean you would be home less often and there would not be money to pay for her cell phone or internet connection..... really focus on how her allegations would affect her life and yours (your husband and/or other children you may have). But please be careful of making sure she also knows that you believe her and want her to know the consequences and changes that could occur if she isn't telling the truth. As you will need the open communication for her upcoming years of being a teen!

This is just my advice and good luck! I hope she realizes what she is doing by making this kind of allegation.