14 year old

Bobbie - posted on 08/17/2012

The secret is to remove his power to over power every one in the home. If he is the oldest he should be given no extra power to sit in "the power seat" of the living room, not OWN the remote, not have the head of the table seat and things like that. Believe it or not. These things give him bullying power over his siblings. This puts them at a disadvantage at all times. This means to him that he has the power to, for example,always sits in the front seat of the car, grabs the remote and change the channel as soon as he walks into the room.
If you want to re-balance the household from these things then you can play a game that gives each child the power from him for good. Let's say you tell a younger sibling "you are now always in control of the remote. You are the keeper of the remote" At all times you get to hold it but your new job is to communicate to everyone in the room and make good choices on sharing.
Another child, not the same child, can be given the only house key and becomes keeper of the key, to open the door for everyone when they come home from school.
He should be made to sit in the back seat AT ALL TIMES when in the car with his siblings. Another child should be allowed to sit in the seat with you and take turns but he should never be allowed a turn in the front. Tell him he has to earn a seat turn by doing something nice for one of his brothers or sisters.
As far as being out past curfew the grounding has to be set and kept. Don't let him disrupt your household with slamming doors and demands to get off grounding. The consequence has to mapped out for each behavior. The more severe the behavior the more severe the punishment. They must be given this info BEFORE they break the rules again. If your son causes the other kids to get upset ground him for one school day/night. No company, no time with his brothers and sisters, just up in his room RESPECTFULLY, no loud music or stomping around and slamming doors. You have to actually spell out the respectfully parts. They really do need to know every single thing not to do. It removes their options to try you.
So here is the speech example. Quickly note it out for yourself the things you know he will try to do and YOU decide ahead of time the fitting punishment. You speak to him and give him all the info. Don't discuss, don't let him whine or tell you what he thinks. these are boundaries that he needs for him as well as for the strength of your family. He has kids coming up behind him and you definetly don't want to deal with "but he did it and you didn't punish him this much"
Curfew is the most important one to have consequences and those have to be severe BUT be sure you will enforce and keep the full grounding time. This rule broken should mean no going out at all for a full month of weekends. That is to say that the week is a regular schedule of things and at 14 I hope he isn't running around all school week. So come the weekend, as of Friday night he is grounded without going out until school on Monday. IF you can't enforce this for four weekends then he will not feel the long term consequences of his actions and re offend. Added benefit to this kind of punishment. It keeps him away long term from the friends that cause a lot of trouble. If he doesn't see them for a full month due to being grounded chances are that will make them move on and find someone who will get in trouble with them more readily and be available the following weekend.
BTW - curfew for a 14 year old should be earlier than the law allows. At that age they are suitable recruits to older trouble making kids. I would say that no matter the weekend schedule it should be changed to 9:00. No way should a 14 year old be given more power than that. Then at the age of 15 to raise it for his birthday gift to 10:00 and again on his 16th birthday to 11:00. If he needs more time than 9:00 at 14 you are already deep into a night culture that you don't want him in. Kids that go to a movie at that age should not even be allowed to select a movie showing time after 7 pm to ensure they can be home by 9pm. Got to put your thinking cap on and change up the game. Put him on the defense and you on the offense from now on.

Chaya - posted on 08/08/2012

There are agencies that offer counciling, every community has one near if not in the community. I live in a Seattle suburb, which has an office in every community south of Seattle. I can't speak for North.

Melody - posted on 08/08/2012

Tiffany, I understand where you're coming from and I'm glad/sad to see there's other parent that's experienced similar behavior with their teens and to know I'm not alone. I've done everything mentioned from no door, no bed, only wardrobe being gray jogging pants and white tshirt. I've thought he was on drugs (if he is it's undetectible) but I've yet to find them and I'm a major detective :). Try this, it's sorta worked for me better than other methods especially if your kid's like mine and taking stuff away doesn't really matter to him. Let him spend time with another family member (grandparent, close friend's family, aunts, etc) take a break from each other while at the same time allowing him the chance to see what the grass is like on the other side. Also, regardless if he's punished or not, have a weekly or biweekly date with him, just you two. Engage him in conversation in a different atmosphere...or say nothing at all. Make it a pleasant place, no arguing, no hounding him about rules or school troubles. Make date night rules, and allow HIM to have some rules for you for your special dates. If you're like me...you're probably willing to try anything :) GOOD LUCK!

Jennifer - posted on 07/31/2012

Tiffany, don't get upset by Shawnn's post -- it was harsh and judgmental. this is a hard enough thing to live with your kids, let alone all that -- what you need is help -- not judgment (what this site is SUPPOSED to be about). There are thousands of people dealing with this angry teen problem -- some are married, some are single parents, some live comfortably and some don't -- all having raised their kids in different ways. basically, the root of what causes them to be angry is different (say, a father in jail or moving to a new home, out of state, etc). but i am starting to think they are just angry because their hormones are out of whack. with the exception of child protective services, just try any service you can find in your area that's free or low cost. you're doing the best you can -- this is all you can do -- especially with no help. never forget that -- you're doing the best you can :)

Tiffany - posted on 07/30/2012

With all due respect I have never allowed him to disrespect me. I have also followed through with punishments when his behavior warranted them. I have never excused his fathers behavior or told him his father would take care of anything. I have raised him without any help from his father in over 12 years. My son has always been an angry kid. He has always appeared unhappy. That is a part of his personality. I have tried tough love several times. My son has to earn everything he wants. He has to do chores and follow through with good behavior to get everything from junk food to computer time, to playing outside to video games. He is content to stay in his room. He is okay with not having priviledges. I was simply asking for resources that I could try. I was not trying to be told that I am a bad parent and I allow this behavior. Social Services here usually do not do much good. I am not worried that I am abusing my son or my other children. As I teen I was involved with Social Services in no way shape or form did they help me.

Shawnn - posted on 07/30/2012

He's continuing to be this way, and escalating his behaviour because you have allowed him to treat you rudely, with disrespect, and he sees that.

Unfortunately, now, you're behind the ball. You can get him back in line, but you have to be an a-1 bitch to do so.

Start with Chaya's initial suggestions, and stop making excuses. Your son is angry, and if his father is in prison, that's understandable, but you cannot let yourself excuse his behaviour in any way. You cannot let his father excuse his actions by saying "he'll take care of it"...obviously his father didn't "take care of things" properly, or he'd not be in prison.

Report him as unruly. Let them have their talk and get social services involved. If you aren't abusing the boy, and he's fed, clothed, and has basic necessities, what are you afraid of? That they'll remove him? Well, it may be for the best to have him removed, so that he understands what he's losing.

Tough love, Tiffany, tough love. And it's going to be hard. But, if you want to keep this boy from following in his father's footsteps, you HAVE TO start now.

Kimberly - posted on 07/30/2012

Tiffany I Agree with Most using the term TOUGH LOVE!!! i know its Hard I have my own but sitting in a room with nothing but books to read that I choose makes a world of difference. Also they will Push and Push until you give in don't!!!!!! it takes a moment to get then on track don't give up!!!!! keep fighting for your Child!!!!! get creative with your punishments remember they don't come with instructions!!!!

Tiffany - posted on 07/29/2012

We are already involved in church and I am working on resources through them. There really is no such thing as Juvenile scare here. The only program that we have for juveniles basically you report the child are unruly. A mediator meets with the child says you better straighten up or else. They also usually drag social services into it. I am not sure about drugs I think its more of an emotional thing. Thanks for your encouragement. Something will happen one way or another eventually.

Angie - posted on 07/29/2012

I'm in Missouri and resources have been my toughest challenge...it depends on where you want to start....family therapy? counseling? do you suspect drugs? juvenile scare? ...it also depends how he is reacting? If he's not taking it serious, how can you get him to? Maybe a church program? I know how hard it is about "making" them do something they don't want to, but maybe approach as check this out. With his dad in prison and him going through puberty, it could just be him getting overwhelmed figuring it all out. Instead of approaching him mad, approach him worried...tell him this isn't working and ask him for suggestions to fix...him saying everything is ok is not an answer because you having to call the police is not being ok. Here's one more thing I have learned....if I am struggling on what to do or how to handle something, I hand it over to God and wait 3 days; it keeps me from making an emotional decision in the heat of the moment...again..good luck...hopefully you will find out some answers or at least get steered in the right direction tomorrow :)

Tiffany - posted on 07/29/2012

Tanya I have no idea if there is more to his behavior. He has always been kinda mean, rude, and generally unhappy. The past few months it has gotten worse. I am going to look into counseling for him again. He usually does not talk we have been down this road before.

Tiffany - posted on 07/29/2012

Thank you Angie. I am not really sure what the answer is but I will be looking into options tomorrow. This latest situation happened late Friday night so I did not able to see what resources are available.

Angie - posted on 07/29/2012

I wish I had answers, but I've tried it all. If you haven't tried removing the door, shutting off the cell phone, or setting up a password for internet. You can check with your school for any type of counseling resources...the one our school gave us was free. After 3 times of calling the police on mine, the cops recommended filing an out of control with juvenile, which I did after another incident and found out he was doing drugs, which I had already kind of suspected, but couldn't prove. This got him into outpatient, but didn't solve our problems. All I know is you have to find out what they care about enough to change their behavior choices...I unfortunately haven't figured it out with mine yet, neither have the multiple facilities he has been in. I now have DFS involved. There are some good Love and Logic CD's that a therapist gave me because it is just as important to keep yourself healthy and sane through this as well....best wishes to you; I sincerely hope you can get him on the right path soon :)

Chaya - posted on 07/29/2012

My dad would say: " Excuses are like a**holes, everbodys got one. I don't have anyone either, I'm living on $800/month for three of us, and when the money runs out, we loose power or internet, or whatever. If it means we don't eat, we don't eat. Life is hard.

Chaya - posted on 07/29/2012

I don't have help either, and I'm raising an honors studet and a mentally challenged sister. (Not retarded, stupid.) I don't have too much problem with my daughter, my sister is another matter, she thinks no is negotable, she want to make payments, therefore the debt is forgiven, it's my fault she's a welfare baby factory, she coined the phrase. I wish she were six, she'd have an excuse for behaving like that. If taking stuff away doesn't make my sister tow the line, a leather belt will. I haven't had to do that yet, but I'm sure it's not far off. He can call the police, but once they see his room they'll figure it out

Tanya - posted on 07/29/2012

So sorry tiffany...do you think your son may have some kind of problem? If so, maybe it's time to make an appointment with someone.

Tiffany - posted on 07/29/2012

There is none in the picture but me. Dad is in prison no family helps nor friends. I have tried to talk him but either he says everything is fine or he is that they are his problems and he will deal with them himself. Taking stuff away does not help. He still continues to act they same way.

Tanya - posted on 07/29/2012

AMEN CHAYA! We took my daughter's room door off and her tv is out her room because she wanted to act like she had no sense a few months ago...The door is still off and the tv will never go back...IT'S CALLED TOUGH LOVE!

Chaya - posted on 07/29/2012

Do not get protective services involved. This from a foster.
This is what I would do: Take everything out of his room except his bed, one change of clothes, one pair of pajamas, and anything he genuinly needs. School stuff, medicines, NEEDS.
If he can follow the rules, he can earn his stuff back. He is to be home on time, and list the rules in writing.
At the end of the day, before he gets into pajamas, he is to put his dirty clothes in the hamper, in the morning, you choose what he wears.
I'm doing this, not with my kid, but an adult who has been deemed incompetent. One of the things she has to do is to get at least one job, but ideally 3. She has to pay back a lot of monies, her restrictions will continue until she pays back every dime, which is far from possible without three jobs.
I know this sounds mean, but it's effective, and nothing else has worked

Tanya - posted on 07/29/2012

I am sorry to hear all that is going on with you...I have a 13 year old daughter. My daughter was trying to take me through some nonsense as well and I had to let her know straight up...YOU FOLLOW RULES HERE OR YOU LEAVE...I told her if need be...I would send her to a shelter for girls and she can live happily ever after with people who don't know her or care about her...If you pray, I would suggest you continue to do so...I never had any problems with my oldest son who is almost 20 in the army stationed in South Korea....So far, I don't have any drama with my 7 year old son either.......BUT THAT GIRL! OMG.......She is definitely a hand full...BEST WISHES TO YOU!

TIP: talk to your son(which i'm sure you probably have) and let him know "how much" you love him and are there for him..QUESTION: is his dad in the picture? If so, it might be time to let his father take control of the wheel...FOR SOME REASON...CHILDREN DO NOT GIVE THEIR FATHERS THE DRAMA THEY GIVE THEIR MOTHERS...:)