14 Year Old Daughter punished for being disrespectful - now what??

Wanita - posted on 07/20/2011 ( 1 mom has responded )

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Wow, I haven't done this since I was pregnant...here it goes.

I have 2 daughter's aged 14 1/2 and 11 1/2 and a son aged 6. This is about my 14 year old.

She's a straight A student, involved in many school organizations and sports teams, she studies Ballet fairly seriously (will be taking her Intermediate Vocational Exam this weekend) and in general, everyone thinks she is wonderful. I get compliments all the time about what a great job I've been doing in raising my children. Then when we get home...we are constantly butting heads. First off, the kids are the only children on both sides of my and my husband's families, so they have definitely been spoiled. I take full responsibility for being one of the worst culprits as we've had more of a sisterly type of relationship, and I know that it is time for this 44 year old to grow-up herself, and I realize that I am the Mom and need to start getting tougher.

So, she has recently had her cell phone, iPod, DS and computer privileges taken away from her because of the lack of respect and constant back-talking. We had an awful confrontation at my mother-in-laws the other night. I will take full blame for allowing her to get my goat in a public situation, over something that really was silly in the end. But...it was more about the way she was talking to me...like I was the child. And...she has become so good at it that my in-laws were mortified that I actually made my daughter so upset to have to leave the room with tears in her eyes. Like I said, I know it may not have been the time or place, and I did apologize to my in-laws, but I could not get over the way she was talking to me and everyone, including my husband, was more concerned about her feelings being hurt.

My husband is a Firefighter and also a Painter on the side, and he has been working around the clock a lot lately, so I have been left to deal with the 'silent treatment'. She has been mean and rude to her sister and brother, hasn't said a word to me, and yesterday she just up and left the house to go to her dance studio without telling me, via Transit...with no phone. I was horrified and the other two kids didn't know where she was either. I eventually called the studio to see if she was there....she was. I could not inflict my kids with another yelling match when she got home, so my husband called her from the Fire Hall that evening. He had a chat with her and told her that she was now grounded indefinitely. She got very upset because she didn't understand 'why' she was being grounded.

It is now day 3...I figured out that she has been sneaking to my computer when I am not at home..I have now password protected it...and the silent treatment is still going strong. Yesterday she told my other daughter that she wasn't talking to me until I apologize to her. I have been keeping my cool...said good morning to her this morning...she replied, but that's it.

I should also mention that while my other daughter was at camp yesterday and my son was in his morning summer school session, I did have a few words with her. I had warned her that once I notice that she is negatively affecting or influencing the other children, I will have to take further actions. I told her this isn't a game and that she will have to earn her privileges back.

The tension in our home is starting to become unbearable. I'm a pretty tough cookie, but this time, I am stumped...I don't know what to do anymore. She is not showing any signs of remorse or wanting to change, and I admit, we are both very stubborn.

I have 2 questions:

1. Can anyone suggest what to do now?

2. What is a good measurement to use for what is considered good enough behaviour to earn a privilege back?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Rhonda - posted on 07/21/2011

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Wow, Wanita, you are ready to give in so quickly. I promise you if you give in now, you have given in forever and you will never be "the mother" again. I was so impressed with your 1st paragraph because it demonstrated that you are truly aware of your behavior in this instance and was willing to correct it for the greater good of your daughter. If you give in now, what are you saying to the other two kids? YOU CAN NOT HAVE A LIMIT ON DISCIPLINE. Your daughter must understand that she does not run this world, she doesn't even run HER world, you do. Right now, she is not acting like your daughter and until she understands that she has to submit as a child, she does not deserve the benefits of being your daughter... bottomline. Unlike her dance teacher or math teacher, you are the most important teacher she will ever have... her life teacher. How can you do your job if you do not have a willing student? She is still young, so please, wrap your arms around this before boys, peer pressure, sex ,drugs, etc. become the temptations. She may hate you now, but I promise you she will thank you later in life. Structure and boundaries help to build character in children. The hardship you are creating at home is nothing compared to the hardships life can offer if she is not prepared. Continue to prepare her, Wanita. You definitely have my support. Good luck.

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