14 year old daughter who is having a tough time as a teenager

Regina - posted on 02/11/2009

Have you discussed the ditching and issues at school with her counselor, teachers, and/or principal(s)? Oftentimes they see things that you might never pick up on at home. I can't tell you how many times I've had a concerned parent call me and then begin listing a child's friends and then I have a very good idea why the child behaves in that manner. Of course, I can't tell them right out but I can offer ideas about finding her new friends and/or activities. It also can't hurt to have her see a therapist. Having someone completely neutral to talk to may help a great deal.

As everyone has said before, FOLLOW THROUGH! If you tell her something is going to be a consequence for an action, do it. While there are some things you can't do or take, there are lots of things (cell phone, tv, ipod, etc) that are privileges not rights. Some teenagers need to learn that the hard way. Establish very clear boundaries. If something isn't acceptable to you, state it and tell her what will happen if she does it. But don't do these things in the heat of the moment. Wait until you are having a calm spell and sit her down and talk to her about the things you are going to do and the things you expect her to do.

Wendy - posted on 02/11/2009

Just a word of hope for you, at 14 I too was a wild child, and my parents really couldn't do anything to control me.  They just kept letting me know how much they loved me, and eventually I grew out of it.  I was pretty straight by 16.  I hope everything turns out well for you, it is so hard watching the child you love make mistakes that can effect their whole life.

Kathryn - posted on 02/11/2009

Laura,

Thanks, this is very helpful.  I am going to do the drug test thing, I think it's a good idea to rule things out in light of the drastic mood swings.  Have you done one on your daughter before?  I was wondering if I should disguise it as "another" type of test, or just be straight up with the intention to drug test?

Kathryn - posted on 02/11/2009

Pati,

Thank you for this.  You mentioned that she is not to yell at you, what do you do when she does?  Also, when she doesn't do her chores, and you keep the money (I have a system where she is docked if the chore is not done or is incomplete) do you still have her do the chore anyway? 

Finally, can you give me an idea of the grade deals you had with her, you mentioned that she gets paid an amount for A/B's, and nothing for C's?  How much?

Claudia - posted on 02/10/2009

i can only tell you from my own DRAMA with my 15 year old that when a mother dosen't know how to be a mother the children get LOST ...fake it !!!! don't let her know you are in doubt...nourish your child, when she least deserve it.Ofer God to your child, don't let the media be the OTHER parent nor her friends,open your heart to her so that she can unfold hers to you and express how she feels.Good luck my friend.

Laura - posted on 02/10/2009

I also have a 14 year old daughter, & agree with Pati Howard that you, as a responsible parent, have the right to investigate. She is in YOUR house. Once you set the rules & the consequences (follow THRU!!!!) for breaking the rules, she needs to respect them. I sat down with my daughter & told her that no matter what she does in her life, I will love her. I also gave her the opportunity to talk to me. That anything she told me while we were at the table AT THAT TIME, would be LEFT there. If she did something wrong, she would not be punished, but in the future, reoccurences WILL. But we could start with a clean slate. I gave her the benefit of the doubt & told her the more she behaved properly & showed responsibility, the more freedoms she would receive. If she broke a rule, the respect level & priviledges get taken away. I told her, using my own past experiences, that no matter what happens in her life, I (not her FRIENDS) would be there for her. I also told her if she was angry with me, we couldn't fix what's wrong if we don't address the issues. Buy a drug test kit at the pharmacy. Rule that out. I am fortunate that I have a much better communication with my daughter, but we do have to reiterate every once in a while. Meet her friends' parents, too. THEY may be having the same issues with their own kids & maybe you all can keep each other abreast of what each other's kids are doing......Good luck!!

Antoinette - posted on 02/10/2009

Your welcome, fyi i have 1 daughter that has noooooooo problem telling me everything ...she hold nothing back, AT ALL lol, my older daughter keeps every little thing a secret fearing that i will be mad at her for whatever reason...so i got it coming @ me both ways...it's a lot :o) i wish there was a happy medium you know :o)

Pati - posted on 02/10/2009

Keep lines of communication open, make sure the rules are clear and the consequences are clear. And follow through every time, even if it is an inconvenience for you. I have a child that will come and tell me things that I don’t always want to hear, but she knows that I will not judge her or love her less for thoughts, feelings or even actions.   I don’t like to yell, and I don’t like conflict, so raising a teen has been a challenge for sure, but rather than yell, I just set the rules and if she breaks them, she has the consequences to deal with and I can talk to her in a rational way with out getting all riled up. If she does not do her chores, I just keep the money. I don’t now allow her to yell at me, and a disagreement or negotiation is fine but there is no auguring with me once I have said no or made up my mind. If she wants to push the envelope with me about not getting her money for example, I will keep it for 2 weeks even if she picks up everything spotless all week, just for making a deal out of the consequences. As far as school, that is her job, and she has to do well at it. If she brought home a bad report card or progress report, she would be grounded till the next one. Bad in this house was anything below a C. She was only paid for the A/B grades, lower was just not trying. She has been grounded for 6 weeks at a time on 4 separate occasions since 9th grade for a low progress report. If the work was not being turned in, I had a list of consequences, and the third one was me going to class with her, all of them till she could get inline. If she cut school I would go with her for a week to every class.  Harsh maybe but I am the mom and ultimately responsible for her and how she turns out. She was not allowed to date till she was 16 and I was not budging on that. Again, I was harsh; I went to the boy’s parents and told them she was not allowed to date. Several times because there were several boys that liked her and she was just to young.  

You have to look at the clues and the activities. If she’s hanging out with boys is ditching and doing poorly at school I would be looking at the possibility of her using drugs and alcohol. Of course she wont admit it , but you can find out what she is up to. Track her on the computer, read her text messages and whatever else you have to do to find out what she is up to if she will not tell you her self. I don’t feel it is snooping when your child is falling behind or acting out to investigate, I feel its my job as a parent to know what she is into and up to so I can provide the right support and guidance.  I tracked my daughters every keystroke from 12 to 16 and even when she got in trouble at 14, I continued to track and she continued to use the computer. I monitor her cell phone, not like I used to, but I still check it. The cell towers are great for locating a calling point as well so you know if they are in a different location, without having gps on the phone.  

I have been fortunate with my child, not too much trouble over the years, but I always kept an eye and ear out for signs that would alert me to her needing advice or support or a story from my past, even just a shoulder to lean on. Anything I can do to keep her clean and on the right track. And we have a very open line of communication that is probably what has saved us the most.

Kathryn - posted on 02/10/2009

Thank you so much for your feedback.  I need every little bit I can get.  She does have female role models, her aunt, and a big sister from the Big Brother Big Sister program.  I will take your advice and add it to the other bits of valuable info I have been blessed to obtain.  Thank you!

Antoinette - posted on 02/10/2009

The boys part is the hardest to me...Honestly taking her phone isn't going to solve anything...i've been thru it...More than anything the need for her to be able to trust you and talk to you about things like that is very important. Or is there another older female in her life that she will feel comfortable talking to? Truth be told, all adolescents go thru the curiosity phase, i remember going thru it myself, biggest difference between then and now is all the technology surrounding our children. but back to what i was saying sex is so taboo and shouldn't be it makes kids want to know more, they are thinking "wow what's the big deal, i wanna know more". Now I do agree with Kathryn with the fact that you have to follow thru...but i again will say that taking her phone will not solve the problem...i hope i've helped you in some way...you can feel free to write me back ...im sure i have some other ideas since my daughters are the same age as yours.

Shelly - posted on 02/10/2009

Kathryn,

  FOLLOW THROUGH FOLLOW THROUGH FOLLOW THROUGH.  You can't just threaten to do something and then not or she will run right over the top of you b/c she knows she has no reprocussion for her actions.  You need to come down right in the middle of her.  Good start taking away her phone.  But you need to follow through with all of your threats HOT AIR doesn't work...Good Luck and I will keep your family in my prayers  

Kathryn - posted on 02/10/2009

It's definately all three!  I agree with the arguing aspect, she does love to engage.  She thrives on any sort of attention.  The main issues right now is her lack of respect, ditching and school work.  I recently discovered she was texing (inappropriately) to a boy, so I confiscated her phone and found she was doing it while at school through a friends phone.  Question though, in lieu of continually repeating myself, what do you suggest I do?  Go straight to enforcement?

Tricia - posted on 02/10/2009

We would need more specifics. I live in CT and I provide in home behavioral supports for all ages. Is it the mouth, boys, school? Or it can be all three. Remember to set clear expectations and dont continually repeat yourself. She'll expect you to argue with her.She'll want the negative and positive attention.