14 yr old daughter talking about sex with boyfriend...What should I do?

Syb - posted on 04/30/2011 ( 16 moms have responded )

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My 14 year old daughter has a new boyfriend who recently turned 15 (he is a grade above her). I have met his family on several occasions. They have gone on group outings to the movies or downtown after school and I have let her go on a family day trip with him and his family. While he is a nice young man (a little too quiet for my taste) and his family is nice enough I am still uneasy about the whole situation. Recently his best friend and her best friend (who are also "dating") had sex. My daughter told me after the situation and was very upset about the poor decision her friend had made. We had a very long, candid conversation about the situation and talked about it off and on for several days. My daughter and I are close and are very open about sex and respecting yourself and your body. While I did not think this was the end of the conversation by any means, I did feel confident that she would make better choices than her friend. What a FOOL I am!! This morning I read her messages on Skype becasue she forgot to sign out and saw that my daughter and this boy were talking about having sex now. At this time I am very ANGRY and want to wait to talk to her about this situation. However, I don't know what to say for fear I will be too upset. What I want to do is forbid her from ever seeing this boy!!! What should I say/do now?

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Penny - posted on 06/03/2011

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Forbidding her to see the boy will work against you. Put her on the pill and educate her. She is ready. Just be glad you can talk about it even if you feel betrayed. Remember this oh so important message applies to everyone on this planet : People do not do things against you - they do them for themselves. Do not take it personally - because it's not against you. She has told you that she understands the rules of life and you have taught her well. Now you must protect her from unwanted pregnancy.
I read your post. Fourteen is not too young for some people but it is for others. But immaturity never stopped anyone.

Beth - posted on 05/03/2011

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Trying to tie your daughter up and hide her in a closet to protect her, or even worse, being so blind that like some mothers you 'think' you have the ability to control your children at all times will simply result in what is termed 'preacher's kid syndrome'. I'm not sure if you're familiar with it, but it is where people (like straightlaced ministers or those expected to have perfect moral families) end up with pregnant teenage daughters or sons who impregnate every girl in the school. It can also show up with white girls having mixed babies, if their parents are particularly racist, or black girls having asian or very light babies to the horror of their parents.

The best thing you can do is NOT panic. Just because she's talking about it doesn't mean she's going to do it. It means she's thinking about it first, which is a good sign! Also, she left it on the computer, maybe subconsciously wanting you to find it. If she was so subversive and rebellious, she would have made sure to have erased it. So relax, talk to your daughter rationally, and tell her you don't feel comfortable with her having sex at her age. Talk about the social ramifications of having sex so early, talk about how the girls who ARE doing it get talked about, and how her reputation will never be the same. Tell her there is no shame in waiting, and that she will only be respected more for doing so. Then tell her the decision is hers in the end, and if she does decide to do it, then you will take her to get on birth control, and get her condoms. She needs to know the risks, and that Herpes can be transmitted even if condoms are used. Also Vaginal Warts can be transmitted even with condom use. Pregnancy is not the only thing to worry about when talking about sex. Get her all the pertinent information, don't be irrational, just be informative.

I had to go through this with my daughter at about the same age. I actually put condoms in my bathroom, just in case she needed them. Before she had sex, she came to me to take her to get on the pill. She was seventeen, almost 18. Oh, and she didn't do it then, either...she waited for almost a year, when her boyfriend proposed. As for the condoms...she passed out so many to her friends because she was worried about them I ended up going to the health department to get boxes of them!!! She really did take what I said to heart, and apparently was educating her friends!

You just never know what they actually listen to! So keep talking! Good luck!!!

Danielle - posted on 04/30/2011

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You can't forbid her from seeing him. They will find a way to see each other. And teenagers have sex regardless. I understand how you feel though. I'd hate it myself. The best advice I can give you is to get her on birth control asap. I would say to her, "this isn't me encouraging you to have sex. I feel you are still too young for that. But if you're going to go against my wishes, I want you to be protected." Maybe try to talk to her about why it's mportant to wait and why sex is a really big deal. I have to admit, around the age of 14 is when I started to become serious with my first boyfriend and it's also when I started to really show an interest in sex. I waited until I was 15. Still too young, and I think I even knew that at the time...but teenagers usually listen to their hormones, not their heads.

Nancy - posted on 06/07/2011

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I always talked to my daughter who is now 17 about the sex issue. I always hoped she would stay a virgin until she find the right person...I was a fool too!!
My daughter had a time in her life that people were always making fun or her and bullying her. She wanted to fit and in order to fit in, she had sex with one of the more popular kids in town. I was so disappointed in her but told her that I didn't love her less. We can not always be there to hold their hands. We can only educate our kids with the best knowledge we have about sex. Forbidding your child to see this boy is only going to make it harder for the both of you! She'll rebel and the bond between the two of you will be broke! Tell her how you feel, but also tell her that you still love her no matter what and that you hope she'll make better choices the next time!

JuLeah - posted on 06/07/2011

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Ask her why she wants to have sex. And are her reasons solid? Can she talk with you, with him, with his family about the choices in front of them? Can the kids talk with you about protection, reasons why, what they expect, feelings they are having around this?
Do they know of other options (not intercourse) but options that would allow them to explore and enjoy?
If you can make it though this type of conversation, you have two very mature kids on your hands.
Limit interaction, supervise her .... she said one thing to your face, another to him ... so call her of that. You have to be able to trust her

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Karen - posted on 06/03/2011

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I had a friend who had her first time at 15 and it did scar her too. she fell into depression right after it happened. she felt she had to tell her mom right away. she got put in a school for teens who were mentally unstable but found someone there and continued having sex. She ended up pregnant at 16. She was very smart and new how fast it could happen. Yet I remember her telling me on the phone that they weren't using protection all the time. They would take it off half way through because they couldn't feel anything. I would definitly get her on birth control. And also let her know that she will need to get a gyno exam every 6 months (that's the new recommendation for sexually active women now). You should talk about all of the std's and maybe find pics of them online to possibly gross her out. it can take up to 10 yrs. for any of them to be visible or symptoms to take place. Also a person can look completly healthy and clean. Look up how common each disease is and maybe find some blogs for her to read of people who have these conditions. She will see a lot of "I didnt think it would ever happen to me". i was 13 when i started messing around. i lost my virginity on my 15th birthday. It was for a really dumb reason too. Hormones. I didn't really want to but I talked myself into it because all my friends had done it and it was time for me to join the crowd and celebrate. Plus I really wanted to know what it felt like. Much to my surprise I didn't feel hardly anything at all for years. I read that most women and especially teens do not orgasm. Most because of the simple fact that they don't know their own bodies. But when I found mr. right I eventually did. It took a while with him for us to get our bond strong enough but it happened. All you can do is try your best. if she makes the mistake of doing it, it's on her because you educated her, school educated her, she makes the decision. With the 2 of you being close she may have that little voice in her head when she tries. Or if she does I'm sure she will come running to you. I pray that everything works out for the both of you and she doesn't make the mistake.

Shawnn - posted on 06/03/2011

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Syb,

A couple of things: first, have you talked to the boy's parents? Do THEY know that he is discussing this? Second: At 14, her development is there physically, but mentally this could scar her. It happened with a friend of mine...her daughter (14) got curious, and started experimenting with her "boyfriend", and they had sex. Well, she's having serious self esteem problems now, as well as having to deal with the whole social side of the issue...Because as you already know, if one kid does something with another, sooner or later, someone is going to spread the news, and there start the rumors. The young lady in question has required intensive counseling and therapy. She started self destructive behavior almost immediately after the boy went home. She appealed to my son, who is her older bro’s best friend, because she needed advice and didn’t want to tell her parents. My son, (bless his heart) told her to IMMEDIATELY stop, as he didn’t want her to get hurt, and (in his own words) he knew HE wasn’t mentally ready to take a step like that at 16/17, and he was concerned about her being ready.

After giving her that advice, he talked to my husband, who told him he’d done well, but that she really needed to talk to her parents…which she did, and got into therapy, etc. She’s doing much better now, and is back on an even keel.

The reason I shared is because I would hate to see your daughter go through a similar situation. It is SUCH a big picture, much bigger than the actual act of sex itself.

Keeping you (both) in my prayers, Shawnn

Pam - posted on 05/03/2011

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oh boy! I am waiting for this to happen also in my household. I think the best thing to do is make sure you talk to her about it, do not be judgemental and do not loose your cool or you will loose her being open with you. I talk very openly with my daughter regarding the situation and talk about the pressure she is going to feel and ini the end I state that you will be ready when you are old enough when you are old enough to deal with the possible consequenses which would be pregnancy. I tell her no contraception is 100% so be sure you are old enough for the outcome! That seems to really put things into perspective for her as she DOES NOT want to be a pregnant teen. Hope this helps! Good luck!

Danielle - posted on 05/03/2011

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I too agree that trying to forbid her from seeing this guy will only open pandora's box. Just because they are discussing sex does not mean they will both commit to it. Sometimes at this age (i have a son turning 16 next month) they tell us what we want to hear and not the truth. All I can say is to maintain an open discussion about sex and the possability it could happen. As someone said exactly, teenagers have sex- that's the way it is and not a lot changes that. If she does decide to proceed, hopefully the morals you have instilled in her that sex is reserved for someone you love and intend on spending the rest of your life with will prevail -all of the best to you. I know how scary this can be

Eliza - posted on 05/02/2011

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I have the same thing going on at my house. They will tell you what want to hear. When I found the sexting messages, the boy was blocked immediately from her phone, Facebook, and e-mail. She is furious, of course, but it is the only way I know to protect her.

Jessica - posted on 05/02/2011

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i am in severe disagreance with the other mothers....however my opinion depends on your lifestyle. I am the mother of 6 kids and know where my kids are at ALL times mostly because i am a stay at home mom and have the ability to know..i refuse to even allow my kids to start dating at 16...even then is to young, they have their entire lives to decide on the person they choose to settle down with and now a days sex is to open.

So yes, as her parent you can forbid her to see the boy, but explain to her why...take her to see a nurse and explain the birthing process and even show her a video on it...time to make her see that with sex comes HUGEEE responsibilities, ones she is not capable of dealing with just yet.

Jennifer - posted on 04/30/2011

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Yes, 14 is young to start having sex. It's definitely tough, but good for you for talking with your teen about it! Some families don't, other than to tell their kids not to do it!
I suggest taking your daugher to a Planned Parenthood or similar clinic. They are specifically geared towards educating young people on their sexual health and choices. It may be a better fit than your family doctor. The clinics can help with birth control if necessary, but they also provide education. Your daughter may also listen to what they have to say in a way she won't with you. Teens at this age don't think their parents really know anything.
And remember, having sex is a normal healthy part of our development (even though I agree 14 is too young), and keeping her safe from unwanted pregnancy and STD's to minimize the negative consequences needs to be a top priority.
Sounds like you are really working hard to be there for your daughter. Good for you!

Theresa - posted on 04/30/2011

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Sounds like you're a great mother and are doing everything you can. Hang in there.

Syb - posted on 04/30/2011

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Thanks for the replies! I know that I cannot forbid her from seeing him (although I want too). I wish I could lock her away so I could protect her :) I think that's what most mamas want to do...protect their young! I am going to have a talk with her this afternoon after she is home from her volunteer service. 14 is WAY too young for her to have sex and I am not very comfortable with putting her on birth control but that does not mean I wouldn't and am not open to it. I will however tell her that I would rather her wait and if she is serious about making these adult decisions that she do the adult thing before hand. I won't not take her to the doctor & turn a blind eye however. That is just too risky! I spoke with my husband over the phone about it this morning & he is very upset. He is away helping his 80 year old grandmother clean up from the tornado that hit her home. It seems like two tornados now. I am going to limit their contact & at this pont they have NEVER been unsupervised and alone nor will they ever be. I do not want to be the super controlling mother but I also know that I am the one that is the boss and in control. We have a really open relationship & talk about everything. Her friends even have said and are aware that she tells me everything (I know not EVERYTHING!) There is such a fine tightrope that needs to be walked! Parenting is HARD!! :)

Amanda - posted on 04/30/2011

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Tell her how u came to find out this information. 14 is too young to be having sex. She has the rest of her childhood but if she starts having sex now, she is going to grow up fast, Not to mention pregnancies and std's. Being angry at her and forbidding her from seeing him will only make her want to do it more..i know from experience. I did not have sex until i was 18(i got married at 18) but through my early teen years my dad would "stock" me i guess you would say b/c he would listen in on my phone calls, go through my things in my room, read my letters from my bf and all this did was make me have bad feelings toward him and i was thinking all the time that i was gonna get out as soon as i could.He never did this with my older sis. I know this was kinda long but my point is to let her know that you are here for her and when she is truly in love, THEN she will know. Good luck

Louise - posted on 04/30/2011

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Do not stop her seeing this boy. If you are adament that she is going to have sex then get her on contraception now. There is no point messing about. Most girls in the uk have plumped for the 5 year implant. If you have tried talking it through with her and she has basically ignored you then you need to protect her from unwanted pregnancies. Tell her you have seen her message and that you are really upset that you are thinking about having sex. Tell her that you think she is too young and that really you would prefer her to wait but you also are not stupid and you want to help her as much as you can. I am sure she will feel rather embarassed but this conversation needs to be had!

Theresa - posted on 04/30/2011

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Being angry and forbidding will only drive her to him , as I'm sure you probably know. Tell her how you accidentally saw this information and ask her about it. See what she says when you just ask, not accuse. Then go over with her all the disadvantages of having sex. Pregnancy, STD, etc. I guess it's up to you if you want to get her on birth control. I guess better safe than sorry, though I would have a hard time putting my daughter on BC at that age. It seems somewhat like you're condoning it then. Other than that you can make sure she has no unsupervised time with him. Either let the boy's parents know what's going on so they can help make sure things are supervised or only let the "dating" happen around you. My daughter is only 2 and I'm not looking forward to ever having to deal with this kind of thing. My oldest son is 15 though and if his girlfriend's parents called with concerns about them having sex I would definitely sit him down for a long talk. Good luck.

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