14 yr old son wants to live with his father

Lisa - posted on 07/31/2010 ( 12 moms have responded )

2

14

0

I have a 14 year old son that has been momma boy since day 1 thier father and I got divorced about 7 years ago and my son hardly ever went and seen him most of the time he was at my dads or with my now our daughter that is 11 goes and sees him faithfully every weekend. One day my son comes in and says he wants to live with his dad because He is going into highschool and wants to go to the school where his dad lives (another county) anyway this was a really big shock to me since he hardly had anything to do with his father all this time, i signed the papers for temporary cutody just for the school year because I didnt want my son to hate me for not letting him go. now that he had moved in with him I hardley ever see him now it is like he is doing to me like he did his father in the start i call him and ask him to come see me and he says he has something to do, I just wanna no what to do now? He is even hateful acting twards me and I have done nothing to him but love him, does anyone have in suggestions???

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Karen M. - posted on 08/01/2010

7

33

1

Suggestions? Yes, just let him know you love him in whatever he is doing. Then let him come to you... You have the advantage that he spent most of his life with you, so he knows what he had. Let him try something else, and let him miss you a bit. If he is being mean to you, it probably means he is shedding the "boy" skin that is associated with you, and trying on the "man" skin that involves his dad, and he doesn't know how to tell you. He will come back to you, maybe on a different level (maybe as a "man").

Meanwhile, talk to his dad and find out what's going on... Good luck.

[deleted account]

This sounds all familiar to me im going through this right now with my 14 year old son. His father and I were young when we had him and his sister I was 18 and 19 when i had his sister. I left his Dad when they were 3 and almost 2 for many reasons. I did get into a relationship with who now is my husband shortly after i left their Dad. We wen through the court system where he would have them ever other weekend then eventually it came down to every other weekend from Sat-Sun evening. When they were younger their Dad always lived with his mom so i would allow his mom pick my kids up sometimes they said he wouldn't really be around this is why i took him back to court and got more time b/c if he wasn't around they should be with me. It was always a fight with their dad he never supported them financially lucky i had a good job and husband did too. Eventually their dad met someone who was good and loved my kids he eventually had 2 more kids with her and moved to another state and would come from time to time to visit & i would allow my kids to visit him...I would always allow my kids to visit their pateranal grandma. Now i love my son dearly and yes i always want to know where; when & who you are going to be with, but if you break my rules or fail in school your not going anywhere and i will take things aways. I refuse have my son out n about while he's has F's. I will push him and talk to teachers about you. Yes i can be strict at time he was only 13 there is alot of things i didn't allow him to do like go to the mall i never saw any sense in that. He would fight with his sister constantly and hit her at times and then i would get on his case for hitting her she would annoy him and push his buttons. Finally he was fed up and said he wanted to move with his dad i was so heart broken and immediately said heck no! i don't even know what he does for a living, he lives with his g-friends mother & his two kids. THere was no way and he would get so upset at me i would yell at me saying that i never let him see his father i would always kee them away and take him to court. I talked to my husband about this and we decided ok let him go. This was very hard on me i cried like a baby. I understood him though. I was raised by my father and would want to go with my mom but she wasn't stable enough to raise me. So anyway i allowed him to go. Through this i have developed a healthy relationship with his father we can talk now. We both have the same hopes for him. So he is here now and is very rude to me. He will stay with me during the weekend and then his paternal grandma during the week. I had aske him one day what what he doing and he mentioned he was gonna go the mall with cousin and friends then i asked what friends & he didn't want to tell me then i said ok im gonna go pick you up. He was upset called his grandma she called him and i told her "i dont' care what he wants to do im gonna pick him up" she said he doesn't want to go with you im not gonna make him do something he doesn't want to do" I said " i don't care he's my son im gonna get him" My son was upset he thinks b/c I let him live with his dad and he stays with his paternal grandma i have no say in anything so he told me he doesn't want to stay at my house he doesn't want me to be his mom b/c im strict and control his life i just reply im your mom and i love you and i don't want to argue and i leave it at that. He claims i love him to much and he doesn't like it. I talk to his father and his father agrees that we need to sit down and both talk to him. He can't act out like this. Im not strict at all! I just want to know where who and when hell be thats all. My son did tell me that everyone on his dad side such as aunt grandma say im too strict. But the paternal grandma will let him do anything to keep him happy. She is the type of lady that the nieces to would run to her house and live if they didn't get along with their parents. Im not gonna give up on him I love him and i pray for him i hope that some day he realizes im just being a parent and not being strict to ruin his life.

Vickie - posted on 08/23/2010

2

34

0

hey lisa! i actually had the exact same problem a yr and a half ago. my son (who is now 14) wanted to love with his dad. We divorced when he was 3, and, like your situation, his dad rarely saw him. When he did get him on the weekends, hed ususally drop my son off at his mths and go out with his friends. As hard as it was for me to allow him to go (Lord knows I went thru 6 months of counseling!) I knew I had to do it for my son. Id never EVER want him to think I ever stood in the way of ANY possible relationship w his father. So, I allowed it- even tho it was almost 2 hrs away and we got him every other weekend. My son actually called me almost every nite and we talked, hed talk to his step father, and his brother. I could tell he missed it. But, I used "tough love" and acted like it was no big deal, like our life was just as normal. KNOWING deep down inside we were falling apart. Well, he went to live w his dad right before the school yr started (July maybe) and by April, he was calling me asking to come back home. He hated it there. Come to ofind out, after talking w him, he thought that since his dad never really spent any time w him, that if he LIVED w him, his dad would HAVE to spend time with him. I hate it for him, really. But he now knows that even tho we have rules, chores, and expectations w grades, that the grass isnt always greener on the other side. I honestly, know the choice I made was the right one for US. I knew I had to allow my son to realize how his dad was on his own. Honestly, I would act as though your life is going on- even tho youre breaking on the inside. If hes like my son, he prob expected you to be upset and that life wouldnt be the same without him. Just try to keep ANY communication open w him. And, I can almost guarantee, he'll come to his senses. Sometimes, especially at this age, they HAVE to learn these things on there own. No matter how much it hurts us as the mother. My son has been back a yr and a half, and even tho we have our disagreements, he knows where his love is shown. Regarldess of them complainig about rules, etc.... they actually like ( i know!) boundaries. That shows we care about them... Ill say a prayer for ya.... thats what got me thru. I know Ive been lengthy, but your situation is almost parallel to mine (with the ex and ALL!) If you ever need to vent, let me know! :)
Good luck and dont give up!

Marian - posted on 03/07/2013

1

0

0

After taking a glance at some of the prior post I am interested in knowing the outcome from 2years ago but of course those parents are on to the next hurdle that life brings... My son has verbalized a desire to live with his Dad since age 8. He is now 14yrs old soon to be 15yrs old.... I decided to support his desire and call his Dad's Bluff... I have heard the Dad say I would LOVE for you to come and live with me but "your Mom....xyz" I did not want to be the excuse.... So I took action... The father finally came through (due to some extreme things on my sons part that are not acceptable in my home) I just want it to work... I want my son to stay there.... I told the father and my son... this is not a back and forth move... All the years he has wanted to live with him ... ENJOY!!!! We signed an agreement that Dad is responsible for all appointments and parental decisions.... (My nest will empty sooner than expected but that is how life works) I always make it clear to my son that I expect all of my children to be responsible for the things they do or do not do... Own up to your choices, be honest... so -Hopefullly and prayerfully GOD has a plan for my young teenager and yours to develop into better men, better fathers, better husbands by being exposed to what to do and what not to do ... based on the examples that are surrounding them through us, uncles, neighbors etc... I suggest that we take a look at hind sight of our role models and did we change to improve or make a mess... I spoke with men and they wish they could have had more time with their Dad, I will not stop my son from being with his Dad... I surrender all my children to God for they are gifts from God and we do not know how much time ..... they may have to spend with their Dad... (if Dad should die and you denied him the opportunity... how long will he be mad at you???) think about it... pray about it.... surrender.... let go.... let him go.... let him call... let him miss you

Sarah - posted on 08/02/2010

24

4

2

my 14 yer old step son (who I raised from 4) has just moved to live with his mum. He is the same, very little phone conversation, lots of grunts and now he doesn't want to come home some holidays because all his friends and fun times are there, It hurts like mad and my husband is really feeling it. I keep thinking that 14year old boys are all about friends and less about family...remember when I was 14 the last people I wanted were my parents. I may only be his step mum but the only thing i didn't do for him was give birth, his mum was absent for most of his growing up and i raised him as mine so i do know some of how you may be feeling. I'm trying to back off a little from him, give him some space to be a teenager and maintain the same rules of the house whenever we do get to see him (he now lives 3000 kilometres away) Is there a big distance for you to travel if he does want to come home but not miss out on the weekends plans...let him know you can work around his plans to a stage as long as he can work around you some too. It gets hard once they start getting part time jobs etc. Maybe think outside the box for keeping in contact, can you help him with homework over skype.
don't take the attitude personally (easier said than done) and best of luck I am really feeling this with you. Be a soft place to fall if he needs it and try and keep communication open.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

12 Comments

View replies by

Sharon - posted on 03/07/2013

3

0

0

I felt the same way, its now 1.5yrs and Im going back to fight custody, ashame at 16yrs old, I was ignorant to the laws and only gave temporary custody, now the bastard is fighting permanent, has soaked me left and right for child support, erroneous doc bills etc, and I don't get visitation as it was all verbal, my son has been manipulated by this jerk and I agonize in pain everyday that he wont call , text, or fb return to me. It breaks my heart everyday. I should have dealt with the issues at hand, gave him the counseling he needed no matter the cost, instead he is with a pot head, 3rd aggrivated dui, and porn viewing jerk, and dates 2 woman at once displaying this behavior as if its ok to my son. I could go on a longer list but im sure you get what im saying. What on earth was I thinking to let my son go! I trusted the Lord and I still do, I pray for my son to open his eyes, i pray for visitation, and I pray for myself but enough was enough and I don't think God would allow me to bring on this burden if he didn't think I could handle it, I have just fired my last atty and now ProSe wish me luck as I have no more $ to give but my heart to my son.

Caitlin - posted on 09/01/2012

1

0

0

hey im caitlin dolphin im a 14 years old girl i live with my mum and my twin but the thing is i want to live with my dad but he was being mean by saying things that he had no right to say and yet i want stay with him this was the second time i saw him in 2 years i know that bad he my dad but i went back to my mum and now i remember why i wanted to go it was all to do with my twin you see she the good one and the bad one that what my friends say but i dont care she think she better then me and the reason i lie is so that i can feel like im better than someone anyone but when i am at my dad he talks to me like i am the bigger one not because im the oldest or the tallest because he know what it like to be a no one but your going to say "no that not true your mum loves you" but it true she looked after for all my life but the thing is she mean when it come to teeling her the facts i dont want my mum to sound like she a monster because she not i am telling you lot this because i want other mothers help with this

Luz - posted on 08/17/2012

1

0

0

Lisa,
I can't believe I am experiencing this nightmare. My 14 year old son had very little contact with his dad, against his will went to spend a week with his dad at the beginning of the summer and all of the sudden didn't want to comeback to live with me. His dad filed custody papers and wants my son living with him. I am i shock!!!! My son talks very little with me and wants to spend the whole time at dad's. I am fighting back, because I know my ex- who lives with his parents will not care about his grades, and I am also afraid he will not supervise him,and my son will get involved in a wrong path. In a recent conversation with my ex I learned this is about money, he wants me to pay a larger ammount of child support - I am better off than he is, and I became the last source of income for him- My son re-connected with an old childhood friend whom is his age, and his parents divorced at the same time I divorce my ex- My son and him are inseparable (spending whole time playing exbox), which is probably the main reason he wants to live with his dad. It has been very hard for me to understand my son's thinking. My current husband doesn't want to let my son go, understanding that my ex- wants just money, not really take care of my son. I have a 11 year old daughter who is having a hard time dealing with all this. Somedays I want let my son go and live with his dad, but I don't want to deal with the after math, if thing don't go well. I don't know what to dooooo?

Sharon - posted on 03/06/2011

3

0

0

I have a 14yr boy who wants to live with his father, who lives with his parents, and does nothing but bad mouth how i don't know how to love, im too strict, disagrees with my discipline, and is a huge manipulater. Now because my son abusively talks to me, suspended for drugs, and does not do well and blames me, he says he wants to live with his dad. Well im now allowing all weekends and the summer as a transition period. But I hate the fact that his parents will be doing most of the work, and they are old and not in good health, a burden to them. They have said they couldn't handle it, but ex says otherwise. Im doing as I said above, and with Gods guidance praying for a better relationship with my son. I doubt he will agree but I have to try as a parent I know im the better caregiver, but i don't restrict his father from visiting anytime he wants. He was never there for my first son 21 now, and if he enters his life as a true parent and not burden others to raise my son, then fine he can go live with him, otherwise i do what i can with the best motivator God to guide me good or bad choices kids didn't come with a training book. God Bless all and good luck

Kathy - posted on 08/26/2010

25

3

1

l 'm going through the same thing as u l have a 14 yr old daughter whohasn't lived with me full time for 7 yrs just this past month she doesn't want to see me or call me . l believe the custiodal pcaregiver is telling her things and my fdaughter will go along with itto avoid the conflict l don't know what to do . please help me

Bobbi - posted on 08/23/2010

2

19

0

Vickie you just told my story from 2 years ago almost as if i wrote it myself, my son is approaching 17 back at home with mom after 3 months with dad. Keep your head up Lisa, when i brought him to his dads I cried and cried my head said it was the right thing but man my heart sure didn't. Give it time they always come back to mom!

Lisa - posted on 08/02/2010

2

14

0

I cant talk to his dad either he wants to threaten to take me to court an threaten to take our daughter (Dont think he can) everytime I call and want to see our son

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms