15yr. old teen confesses to having had sex for first time..I am overwhelmingly emotional..

Shannon - posted on 02/08/2011 ( 6 moms have responded )

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My 15 yr. old has informed me she has had sex..I didn't react the way I thought I would. I am still taking it in as it was only 2 days ago she told me. My bigger challenge is he 19, in a band, and has left for L,A. to pursue jhis dreams. I'm all for chasing your dreams, I have met him before and had no wierd feelings towards him. He was nice, polite, very passionate about his music, and engaged with my other kids very positively. The problem is he is 19 and I explained to my daughter the legal implications of the situation-just dating, I had my concerns for my daughter wears her heart on her sleeve. After he had left, and gone for the next 6 months, I come to find they had sex way before I had ever realized anything emotionally serious was happening. She said they were careful-" I'm not stupid mom" she says. I feel her choice to have sex with a legal adult was stupid and he is even more stupid for having it with a minor! I haven't told her stepdad yet for fear of what he will say to me..crazy I know, but I am sure I will get the "I told you so" thrown in my face.
I know this isn't about me but I am so mad at myself for not seeing the signs of this and now I have a daughter who has made a rediculous mistake like I did. I am numb, hurt, pissed, mostly towards me, my husband knows there is something wrong but I can't bring myself to tell him. I won't keep it a secret. How do I deal with this? After thinking about it constantly my instinct is to tell her no more contact with him. He's in L.A. and she has school to worry about. HOw do I get her to focus on the here and now and to give up this rock n roll fantasy she has? No she is not pregnant although she has asked to be on the pill. I know pressing charges is possible but I don't feel like that would help her-scare the crap out of him,yes but I know that if I say no more contact, that will bring on a war with her that will ruin whatever relationship we have. I'm so stuck on this. I need honest feedback. Anyone else experience this?
Thank you Moms.

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Michelle - posted on 02/10/2011

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First, she came forward and told you she was having sex with this guy. That is HUGE. This means she trusts you. This is such a tough age for both teenager and parent. You can't tell her she can't contact this guy anymore, she will just do it behind your back. All I can say is communication is soooo critical. Talk about it with her, talk about the dangers of having sex at this age. Talk to her about the age difference, and what is wrong with the picture of a 19 year old having sex with a 15 year old. Don't lecture, discuss. Let her talk too. Above all else, let her know you love her, and why you are concerned. Let her know you are always there for her. This is a touchy subject, and you may get lots of conflicting ideas. You are mom, you know your daughter best. Do what you feel is best for your relationship with your daughter.

Christina - posted on 02/19/2011

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Talk to her like she is an adult. I know you are mad and angry, but at this time if you do anything legally, it will make her hate you. She won't trust you.

Kathy - posted on 02/19/2011

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hopefully his being gone will help and maybe he or she will move on . that was always my hope .he didn't and now i have a 17 year old daughter who is pregnant ! i just fould out yest. she has been on the pill for a year and always had bleeding during active pills i kept telling the dr. so they chg'd her pills . the problem was she wasn't takeing them correctly . so if she is going to e sexually active contrception is a priority ! my daughter's boyfriend is 2 years older than she is . she turned 16 the same month he turned 18 so in our state there are no legal issues. now he is 19 a senior and she is 17 a junior . i don't reccomend legal action anyway unless you feel he is really pushing her to do things she doesn't want to do . and yes we tried to keep them apart in the begining but they go to the same school. so when she turned 16 and i let her car date that gave them to much alone time so i thought the pill was the answer but i was wrong .

Talea - posted on 02/13/2011

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I've been here before. First be grateful she trusts you enough to come to you with it. Next put your personal feelings aside and listen. Do a lot of listening! When she asks your advise give it to her. When you are able to talk rationally with her tell her about the legal ramifications of him being so much older and him being a minor. Talk about std's, pregnancy, and make sure you talk about what that means, but about how it will effect their lives afterwards. Babies mean no social life with friends, work at a job and non-stop work at home, std's mean medical treatments, shots, pills, sometimes death. Don't use it as a scare tactic it doesn't work when you do it like that. Just make it a statement of this is just how it is and you will have to figure out what you can and can't live with. How will you tell a future love you have hiv or whatever, how will having to change diapers at 3am effect her ability to get concentrate on daily studies. Do it in small doses, not as lectures. Show them the flip side of the coin so to speak without bashing her over the head with the roll of quarters. ;) It does help. My once sexually active daughter has taken a vow of chastity to wait until marriage. Now I'm not foolish enough to think that's the end of it, but it is a start and she listened enough to wanted to do this on her own. (She found out about them because of my being honest with her and chose it for herself.) My oldest son however is a self proclaimed man-ho. He doesn't like that fact but has found once he started the lifestyle it's not as easy to stop as he believed it was. We talk and I encourage him as best I can. He is 18 and living with my mother so my influence is limited, but I make myself available to him all hours day or night if he needs me and he knows this. As a result he has been talking about how he doesn't want to keep doing this and wants to return to the church. (we are religious) I don't preach to him because it alienates him and just makes him angry. Because my actions have proved my love for him (his way of putting it) he comes to me with problems in all aspects of his life at all kinds of hours, but lately has been more respectful of late nights as he now has a one year old sister. (That also made him realize a few things he wasn't proud of.) I am mostly a sounding board for him at this stage in his life but he listens and asks because I listened and asked when he was younger. You two can get through this, it takes time and it takes patience and lots of unconditional love, but you already have a pretty good foothold in the fact she is talking to you about it. ((((((hugs)))))) have a good cry out if you haven't already, drink a good hot cup of tea or coffee, sit hubby down and discuss it (if he does the I told you so, just let him have it and move on to the important stuff, just remind him later under less stressful moments that comments like that do little to help the situation and make it harder for you to come to him with things) Also know you are far from alone in this. hth

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Sandra - posted on 02/21/2011

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You mentioned her making a mistake like you had done. I would talk to her about your own experiences and let her know that it turned out to be a huge mistake for you. You can't change the fact that she has already had sex, but she may give it a little more thought.

Louise - posted on 02/09/2011

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Is your daughter nearly 16 or is she just 15. If she is nearer to 15 than 16 I would tell the police. I can not believe that she told you she had had sex! I suppose she is being responsible if she is asking to go on the pill but you do not want her to have your permission to go off willi nilli and have sex because she is pregnancy protected, she needs reminding that she is not aids protected. You are on very dodgy ground here. If you blow your top and go beserk she will not tell you anything that is going on in her world and if you do nothing she will continue this relationship.
I think if she was my daughter I would ask her not to have sex again and tell her that it is illegal and if anybody finds out her boyfriend will go to jail. Then I would explain all about STI's and birth control and then I would probably say that if she feels that she really can't stop seeing this guy physically then you would help her to go on the pill as long as she promised to use condoms as well. (This guy has probably been around the block a few times being in a band) You can not stop her from seeing this guy all you can do is guide her and protect her from unwanted pregnancies. It must be heartbreaking knowing things have gone this far already but at least your daughter came to you and told you and asked for contraceptive help. Things could be much worse she could of kept quite and came home pregnant. Try and put your feelings to one side and support her as much as you can she will thank you for it in the end.

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