16 year old daughter-nightmare

Ginger - posted on 01/03/2010

Fiona, High School years I have found to obviously be the most challenging. I have 3 girls 25, 21, and 15. Each one of my girls having completely opposing personalities. My 21 year old gave me a run for my money! We admitted her to a hospital adolescent program at 15. I believe you to be doing the right thing by calling the police and getting her involved with the school officer! There are always consequences for everything we do. Your daughter is looking for boundaries (even though it doesn't appear that way). Many kids today believe they have rights to certain things when in actuality they have privileges. Their rights are a roof over their heads, food for their mouths, and parents to love them! Everything else is a privilege and can easily be taken away. It is because you love them that you go to such great lengths. Yes, I took the bedroom door of the hinges (she slammed it 1 to many times). She had no phone, no music,no computers, & no friends contacts for awhile, only those in the program. Some parents in the program had to resort to no electricity, no books, or not even a bed ( a pillow and blanket was sufficient). It was not an easy road and took 2 years to get through, but the result ending up being beyond a parents dream. She now is graduating from college in the spring with a 3.80 GPA and 2 degrees 1 in psychology and 1 in sociology. Here's the kicker! She is planning on being a high school psychologist (someone in the program got through to her and now she is following in their footsteps). My daughters experiences were a must to go through in order for her to find the path she needed to be on. As parents, we really don't want to take those away and fix their problems. They must find their way. We, as parents, pray a lot and set the boundaries (the consequences for actions). Follow through is a must. Threatening, yelling, and not doing what you say you will do will make your consequences meaningless. I pray for you and DON"T GIVE UP! Do whatever you have to! Ginger

Mary - posted on 01/02/2010

I'm sorry about your 15 year old daughter Rachel. My own 18 yo was awol recently with a dangerous guy. Not the first one either. Mine was gone for a month and we kind of thought she was staying with her wayward 20 yo brother (she was, mostly). But we got a call from a local detective looking to lock her up on charges regarding a car wrecked/then abandoned and reported stolen. In the long run she was cleared of any wrong-doing, but she scared herself as well as her Dad and I by being involved with the wrong sort of people.
I know what it feels like to not know where she is. I know what it feels like when the phone rings. I know what it feels like when trying to figure out why she has left home where you have tried your best to keep her safe.
I pray your 15 year old girl is safe tonight and comes home to her Momma soon.
Mary~

Rachel - posted on 01/02/2010

got lost reading all these replies as i sit and wonder where my own 15 year old daughter is....soo many similarities in these stories and i have no advice, still trying to figure out my own rebel daughter....my heart goes out to all the momma's who have had or are having to deal with the whims of a confused teenage girl.....

Mary - posted on 01/02/2010

Ok ladies, listen up.I have 6 kids total. When the going gets rough the TOUGH get going, right??!



Things I have resorted to that got my point made.

(Some cannot be done with wee ones at home though, lol)



1. Take the bedroom doors off the hinges and store the door in the yard or the garage. Hide the door pins in a seperate place (trust me).



2. Do not buy foods with sugar. Cheerios ONLY for cereal. Fresh fruit and raw veggies to snack on. No chips (if you must have them for sanity sake, hide them under your bed and eat them behind a locked door. I'm NOT joking.)



3. Educate yourself on the electrical layout of your home. You have a switchbox, learn what it covers and what rooms it covers. Get a lock for the switchbox. Electricity can be leverage too ;). I've done it. And it gets results pretty quickly.



4. Confiscate the cell phone (or at least threaten to).

If you are paying for it, it belongs to YOU. If you are not (other parent may fund phone and you feel unable to mess with situation) Well, its YOUR HOME and you can decide what comes into it. Mail the phone back to other parent C.O.D. with a warning that it may take a "bath" next time your household boundaries are disrespected.

If teen pays for own phone simply announce that it is not allowed any longer.

Demand the phone. (Beware; you will likely be handed a "decoy phone" that is not their real phone. Great hiding place that has NEVER been found in my home is atop a ceiling fan motor, if you have one like that. ;)



I remember one evening they all six of them thought they had "me" under their controlling manipulations. I found myself a great fat book. A great fat candle. A great fat bottle of wine. Headphones to wonderful music on one of THEIR confiscated MP3 players. Then I shut down the electricity to the entire house and locked the door to the garage that contained the power switchbox.



You can just imagine the fun I had locked in my room with my candle, wine, book and music. :O)



The next day the house was clean and I was referred to as "Ma'am".



Amazing indeed.

Lawanna - posted on 01/02/2010

Wow It's so good to finally here I'm not the only one with a nightmare as you put it. I love my son dearly. He acts fine as long as he gets what he wants and does whatever he wants. I'm not sure where this selfish, direspectful person came from. He has even put hole in the walls when he gets angry. He has never brought a hand to me. My hubby would make him think twice of that. He was not brought up to be this way. He turned 13 and I recieved an alien for a son. He's now 14 about to be 15. Sometimes my house is just a total uproar because Shane is told he can't do something. He thinks it's fine to be gone hours at time and we not know where he is or what he is doing. He says I'm a overproctive mom that I shouldn't worry. I'm sorry I'm not every gonna stop worrying about him.
I have not run into issues with the girls yet but I'm sure it will be coming soon.

Fiona - posted on 01/02/2010

thanks rose that awful .it seems like you did real well with her and now is going theopposite way. like i said thejunior liason officer got her in touch with a youth project scheme. she has only been once but she has a youth worker and she is going to see her monday im gonna ring her and give here the update. stephanie is an awful liar too and does and says things to get attention and get herself out of situations. thats the danger! god knowsw what she says to people abou home. nothing bad or illegal goes on here im not that type of mother and im scared to death that she will start her lies to the professionals and get me into trouble for no reason. the lies she has told me and she old otheres hat i make her babysit all the time. i haven had a night out since aug 2008. i might pop to the shops and drop hubby to work and pick him up. but that about 10 mins in total. rather than drag the youner 2 out in the cold at 8.30 pm. she does nothing round the house at all. im just becoming so mentally drained with her. i cant focus all my atenion on her as ive 3 other kids to look after too. i just dont know what to do with her anymore everything has failed she doesnt listen to anybody and does what se likes and treat people the wa it suits her, its disgraceful

Rose - posted on 01/02/2010

I also have teenage girl. She is 15 and started with the same behaviors at 14. She thinks she is an adult and should be allowed to run her life and make her own mistakes. I have repeatedly reminded her that I am responsible for her until she is 18. It was so bad last year that I let her go to live with her older sister, as her sister swored she would have an impact and get her straight. This barely lasted 3 months. She became worse and had no respect for her sister's attempts. She did come home with a new perception of life because of her poor choices there and a new appreciation for me. Upon her arrival, I set forth the rules and I insisted on intense counseling and evaluation of her psyche. She was ready. This has been a blessing in helping her to find and understand herself (the very same person that I was being accused of not understanding). After 6 months, her counselor moved on to another job. She did not like any others and it has been a slow decline in behaviors since then. So with all said and done... chin up and give it time...explore counseling options and pray.

Nancy - posted on 01/02/2010

Does your daughter have goals? An outcome to target? Does she plan to go to college? Kids NEED to have guidance to stay out of trouble, YOU MUST start young! Show them the "KOOL" kids from when you went to school that are now toothless and pumping gas. The kids you went to school with that didn't have an education and whose parents died and are now working at Quickcheck and their teeth are roting out of their mouth. They have not education and their parents have died and they are working 12 hours a day to made it and don't have a car.

You need to start when they are young, give them goals so they don't loose their way when they become stubern teens. In everysituation always now your outcome. Our outcome is to provide a goal for them when they are teens so they don't loose their way to adult hood.

I was a lost teen with no goals, no dreams and no direction. I was a smart teen but with no goal and direction, by the time I figured out what I need to do it was too late. I'm 39 and still paying for those days of non direction.

I have a daughter who is 16-1/2 now, she has direction she has goals, she is still a virgin, does not smoke, does not drink and has been friends who have have done all that, but she had NEVER lost sight of the outcome, she knows where she is going and is now watching one of her older friends falling by the wayside. Her rebellion is to be a vegan . . . big deal I can handle the small stuff . . . .soooooo glad she is a vegan then any of the other stuff.

Keep your chin up, give your daughter direction and a goal, tell her nothing is impossible, she can do anything she sets her mind to.

Fiordaliza - posted on 01/01/2010

I am no expert but it sounds to me that your daughter is doing some normal teenage things when they asking for more attention but, at the same time she could just be rebelious towards you because she dont like her living arrangement or for changes that have entered her life in the past year or so and it can be a range of things. The help is out there but, you have to do your research in your town go to the nearest family court or ask the primary doctor where you can go for help with teen behavioral problems and they will help you with the situations at hand before is too late. Best of luck.

Monica - posted on 01/01/2010

unfortunately, i was one of those nightmare 16 year olds. the difference i didnt have a mom who cared enough to get outside help. i think you have done the right thing. although she may not understand or appreciate it now, i think she will once she matures. good luck.

Alejandra - posted on 01/01/2010

Love and discipline, never giving up and yes, trying to be their friend. Let her voice her inner emotions on why she chooses to do the things she does and then try giving her the advice needed. Remind her of action=reaction and only her ultimately her will be affected it...God will give us the patience and wisdom to guide them in the righteous path.

Fiona - posted on 01/01/2010

its so hard to sit back and watch her make a fool out of herself over a horrid toe rag of a boy. the whole world revolved around him and he treated he like dirt. she did have a new boyfriend-a lovely boy as i already said and today she dumped him. im so disappointed because i knew she was safe with him. now im back to worrying when she goes out if she is with the horrid one. she cant seem to handle it when he dumps her and he has done it a few times. she hits the drink and goes awol! when things are good with him she doesnt come home and stays with him. im so angry at his mother for allowing her to stay there but police advised me not to say anything to her. they are taing care of things to a certain degree. like i said i set the rules and if she doesnt stick to them they take over. its hard to focus all attention on her all the time as ive 3 other children who need me too. i thought i was getting somewhere but its back to square one now. he is a horrid boy criminal record drugs illegally driving his own mother has an order on him for beating her up. at my wits end. didnt even have a drink over xmas in fear of her going awol. i explained all this to her but to no avail!

Nikki - posted on 01/01/2010

I was that teenage daughter you describe, my poor mother- I still apologize to her. So what would have stopped me? Maybe if my mom would have had the police involved things would have turned out different. The best advice I can give is to tell you-DON'T GIVE UP ON HER!!! My mom gave up on me and sent me to live with my dad (I was 15 and pregnant), it was the worst thing I could have asked for. Now my relationship with my mom is shakey at best, I'm 34 yo and missing the relationship that other's have with their parents. Let someone else be the bad guy, meaning-let the police do the dirty work. In the end-she will love you for it. You just don't know what she could be going through, what others are putting her through.

Angela - posted on 01/01/2010

my heart goes out to you. i know that even when they do something that enrages us as parents we still love them and it hurts our hearts to see them acting as they are. yes, you did the right thing in calling the jr. liason officer. we can't just sit back and hope they will 'come to their senses'. as a teen who acted out myself as a teen, i know that often that is simply a cry for help. perhaps if you were to begin her in counseling sessions she would be able to open up to the counselor about issues she doesn't feel comfortable speaking with you about. thank goodness, my two daughters had each other to share these secrets with. i hope you and your daughter are soon able to work out a truce of sorts and she turns around. most of them do after they realize their actions are only attracting negative attention and that they really aren't all that happy by doing it in the first place. good luck

Helen - posted on 01/01/2010

Aww I feel for you hun. Gotta be strong. I have 3 teenage daughters all are different individuals but I can say Ive had a few headaches with teenagehood too. Its bound to be some kind of phaze they all thru and remember we once were teenagers ourselves. Thoughts and prayers are with you and I hope things improve for you both soon. Take care.

Helen

Shelia - posted on 12/31/2009

Never ever give up on a child. It will stick with them the rest of their life. Remember who the adult is in this situation

Shelia - posted on 12/31/2009

sounds wonderful and she sounds like a great girl. Good luck!!!

Jan - posted on 12/31/2009

My daughter gave us a major attutide when she was 13 but nothing like you are going through, I did have a friend that was going through what you are. I agree with the tough love all the way. she also brought her to church and got her into the teen group, it really helped. I'm not saying it will help everyone but it helped her contact new friends, NOT that all kids in church are prefect by no means...But they do have better supervision when they are out with a group. I know that my kids always loved the many trip the church took them on and always had a great time. Also I agree with the family counceling and if you can't afford it you can go through mential health and they can assess your income and many times you can go for free or for very little. I pray that things work out for you and your daughter and that you, make it through the stress and if any other kids are in the household, that they will learn from there sister mistakes and not want to follow them..

Fiona - posted on 12/31/2009

HER PHONE!! hahahahaha. we had a good long chat today-her idea. she even apologised!!!! needless to say i was gobsmacked. she said it was because of the boyfriend and she said she has woken up. she has a new boyfrind and hes lovely than god. i explained i didnt like the attitude and the disrespect and tha it was all for her own good. that she was bettre than that and that she could do better than that too. hopefully things hv camed down!

Kelly - posted on 12/31/2009

I also have a 16 yr old girl. The only thing that seems to make any difference to her is the threat of taking away something she loves. Her car. Since she has gotten her license, we got the control back.. So if there is something she cant live without, my suggestion would be to take it away, it's been working for us so far...Good luck!!

Shelia - posted on 12/31/2009

There is no end to the rope. You've got to keep trying.

Shelia - posted on 12/31/2009

She needs to think of the consequenses of her actions and how harmful they are. She afterall is the adult here. I am a teenager advocate. They are misunderstood and too quik to judge. She is a person and I sure has great potential, if only given the chance. Emotions run deep, they need to be brought to the surface and confronted with true interest and no jealous actions. She is part of her husband, to love her husband she has to love and understand the good wth the bad. I'd like to here his comments and feelings.

Shelia - posted on 12/31/2009

anyone who gives up is a loser. That is not the answer. Never give up on family, especially a young adult. Try reading between the lines. She feels like an outsider, her bad behavior is a attention getter. Better to get bad attention when the good attention isn't that good. It is a total cry out for help. People tend to treat their step children exaclty like a step child. Life is supposed to be about love and forgiveness, understanding and working your hardest for the youth. They are a lot of work They are our future. Giving and showing love never hurts and goes a lot further than giving up and throwing someone out to the dogs. Think what u want. Obviously you have never been a step child or delt with any. I feel soory for her husband, he's gonna love his daughter no matter what. It's terrible to keep him torn like that. Family nights together and one on one attention goes a very long way. Positive enforcement and understanding of her problems and concerns can make great progress. No one deserves to be given up on. Especially at her age when she is torn between being an adult and child at the same time. Honey attracts more bees.

Shannon - posted on 12/31/2009

I haven't experienced this myself, but I know people who have. It is really hard. Seems like she is trying to find out who she is but in all the wrong places. I think you did the right thing by calling the officer. Hopefully he got through to her. Praying for you.

Barbara - posted on 12/30/2009

Quoting fiona:

16 year old daughter-nightmare

hi all. i have a 16 yr old girl who recently has become atotal nightmare to say the least!!! she seems to be attracting the wrong sort of boy and when she has one, she goes awol. she doesnt come in on time, smoking, drinking and so disrespectful. recently i had to go looking for her at 1.15 in the morning. when i got her home and we went to bed, she sneaked out of the living room window and went back down to him. i was livid when i woke up the next morning. so i rang the police who put me in touch with the junior liason officer. he gave her a good telling off. did i do the right thing? we dont seem to be as close as before and she is always moaning an makes a big deal out of every little thing i say. thank god she not with that horrid boy now who has a criminal record for all sorts. would love some advice xx

 Hi there Patti,

I understand you problem, as I went through the same thing. My daughter is 16 years old as well, and also got involved with a very shady young man; we found out later that he was involved with the sex slavery. We prayed, and she has slowly come to realise that she was on a downward spiral. We have always encouraged her to bring her friends home, and we try our best to let them feel welcome. Because of her upbringing, she very soon realises when there is something amiss and the guys are not her cup of tea.  Fortunately, I have a very good relationship (even though there are many arguments) with my daughter, and the communication lines are always open - be careful not to criticise, but to rather lead and guide her.

I hope that this has helped to some extent; let me know.

Barbara Nell

Fiona - posted on 12/30/2009

o lekesha im so sorry to hear that hun xxxx i hope it doesnt get to that stage with her. but thanks for your thoughts and kind words x

LEKESHA - posted on 12/30/2009

Well I feel you!!!!!!! I went through the same thing with my daughter at 14, Omg!!! what slowed her down was prayer and Juvenile Detension. You are in my prayers...

Fiona - posted on 12/30/2009

thank you sheila. she is such a good kid usually and is real not like her at all. so far so good and we have had a few chats and we are back doing the grly things. she is dying my hair today for me. she hasnt really been out either so is looking good xxx

Shelia - posted on 12/30/2009

Fiona, hang in there. It does get better. Just please don't give up on her. It will just open more doors to bad behavior. Pray, pray and pray some more. Love her, tell her, show her. I'm praying for u. I'm here for you anytime!! :)

Sherri - posted on 12/29/2009

I do praise and say I LOVE YOU , even when sh says I hate you ect....

Sherri - posted on 12/29/2009

I am going through almost the same thing....I am now looking into Brat camp.
You have a computer I say u should too! This is my last resort ! I don't know what else to do!

Emilia - posted on 12/29/2009

Shiela - the only thing horrible is YOUR POST. How dare you judge a family that has been in turmoil for some time. Do you really think that it is helpful for this woman to have an internet stranger judge her and her family this way? Don't you think that she was torn and must have been at the end of her rope to make such a drastic decision?

The only one who should feel shame and feel badly about herself is YOU.

Emilia - posted on 12/29/2009

Quoting Shelia:

Quoting Kim:

I totally agree with all of these posts. I have been going through the same thing with my 17 year old step daughter for about 2 1/2 years. She has gotten worse and worse. She had sex for the first time at 15 with a neighbor boy that was 1 week before turning 18 and continued the games with him. SHe has since had sex with 8 different guys, smoked weed, gotten drunk. smoking cigs. and so on. She is now out of my house. We told her that these wre out rules and we dont allow those things to go on in our home since we do have a very impressionable 9 year old daughter. She decided she did not want to follow our house rules and she found her way out the door. It is called tough love and you have to do it or they will walk over top of you over and over. My heart has been hurt so many times and my poor husband has been a mess. Having her out of our house has been the best thing that could have happened. Our 9 year old is doing much better in school and home, we all get along much better and she seems to be much happier.
I know it my seem hard and believe me it is at first, but you have to make her see the light and it's time for her to be an adult if that is what she wants.. Let her find her way to the door.. GOOD LUCK!!

How horrible.  That poor girl and your poor husband, he must be torn apart.  I have 3 Step children and I can tell you that that girl was only looking for some love and good loving attention.  I can't believe you sent her away, you gave up on her.  Shame on you.  You can't possibly feel good about yourself.

Julie - posted on 12/29/2009

Hi
It seems to me that your daughter needs to learn how to handle herself, I have a 12 year old and for the most part she is great but from a very early age I have been telling her that you have no control over what people think or say, they will say what they want no matter what you do to try and prevent it and the only thing that matters is what you think and say about yourself. I had a period with my daughter where you couldn't say boo or bar to her and she would get upset, she came home regularly crying because someone had done or said something bad about her, I refused to go and fight her fights for her but encouraged her to stand up for herself and all the while kept instilling in her that she has no control over others only over herself. Now she has learned at 12 what I only learned in my 30's and that is to not care what people think or say so long as you know you are a good person nothing else matters. Also I tell her regularly that if people don't have the guts to say what they think to your face then they are cowards and not worth the time of day. Yes my daughter gets sick of hearing the same things over and over again from me but they are sinking in slowly but surely I treat my girl like a young adult, I give her lots of credidit for the things that she does right and gently try to pursuade her of the things that arn't right. Yes I do have rules and expect them to be followed but when it comes to the crunch and she is testing and pushing I give her two choices, either do my way and get what you want or don't do it and miss out. I hope some of this helps, I know I still have to go through the teenage thing with my daughter but I am half way through with my son and so far so good although we don't talk as much as we used to for the most part he is a good 17 year old.

Janice - posted on 12/29/2009

Also Fiona I forgot to mention I did the tough love program. I was able to get some really good suggestions as to how to combat the behavior. All of which got an immediate response from my daughter things I would have never thought of. Example: I could never get her to clean her room for real, they suggested I tell her I was going to take the door off of the hinges as she always had it closed. OMGoodness it worked. There were so many others. God Bless you in this situation of your life, but remember don't quit.

Janice - posted on 12/28/2009

YOu know fiona, this is a horrible time for the mom as well as the daughter. I've had a 16 year old daughter. Lucky for you she just started acting up. My daughter was as I refer to it nuts from the age of 12 to 22. We were not friends during those years. I had to become the enforcer, investigator, police officer, nothing I said or did seemed to work or matter. If I said it was black she said it was white. If I bought her something she hated it until I showed some intrest in whatever it was and then she wanted it. It was terrible. Any way I could go on and on, eventually she calmed down, I never let up. I refused to lose her to that awful world and stand back and watch her ruin her chance at a decent life. I did manage to get her through high school, on very little sleep and few good days. After that she did go to a jr. college for a year and a half and after I refuse to continue to pay for her little two year degree she went to university. she has continued with her education has her masters. Shes married now for 14 years and has children of her own. We did have one teen pregnancy, I raised that baby and allowed her to go on to college. Now her first born is in college and doing well. As is she. after that phd. Don't give up on your daughter. It won't be easy though

Chera - posted on 12/28/2009

i wish my mom would've done the same.ihad three kids by the time i was 19.so to say the least good job

Paula - posted on 12/28/2009

TIME TO Start Taking things away from her that means alot to her...Talk with her and tell her HOW Her actions make u feel...I have a 20,17 and a 5 yr old daughter and a 2 yr old son.I have alreayd been through the Teenage stage with mine and LET ME Tell U ,IT IS Major drama! Lay some rules down and Stick to them,LATER On down the road she will appreciate all U did for her.

Fiona - posted on 12/28/2009

thanks sheila and girls. i always tel her i love her praise her when she does something. ive explained many a time i disapprove of some of the things she does. i know she went awol twice some do it a lot more but thats what im tryng to prevent! she can do so much with her life and i dont want her to waste it. she is such an attractive girl and boys are flocking at her feet. but she always goes for the 'bad boy'. this boy seems lovely so maybe he will be the makings of her. but i would much prefer her to do it herself but every little helps doesnt it?

Shelia - posted on 12/28/2009

Quoting Kim:

I totally agree with all of these posts. I have been going through the same thing with my 17 year old step daughter for about 2 1/2 years. She has gotten worse and worse. She had sex for the first time at 15 with a neighbor boy that was 1 week before turning 18 and continued the games with him. SHe has since had sex with 8 different guys, smoked weed, gotten drunk. smoking cigs. and so on. She is now out of my house. We told her that these wre out rules and we dont allow those things to go on in our home since we do have a very impressionable 9 year old daughter. She decided she did not want to follow our house rules and she found her way out the door. It is called tough love and you have to do it or they will walk over top of you over and over. My heart has been hurt so many times and my poor husband has been a mess. Having her out of our house has been the best thing that could have happened. Our 9 year old is doing much better in school and home, we all get along much better and she seems to be much happier.
I know it my seem hard and believe me it is at first, but you have to make her see the light and it's time for her to be an adult if that is what she wants.. Let her find her way to the door.. GOOD LUCK!!

How horrible.  That poor girl and your poor husband, he must be torn apart.  I have 3 Step children and I can tell you that that girl was only looking for some love and good loving attention.  I can't believe you sent her away, you gave up on her.  Shame on you.  You can't possibly feel good about yourself.

Shelia - posted on 12/28/2009

Remember to be a Mom not a best friend. Talk to her and spend some quality time, just you and her. Tell her how much you love her, the wonderful things about her, how much potential she has. Then get into the wrong crowd, dangers of sex, smoking, drinking. Let her know that you know she is better than that. If she continues to disrespect you and break your rules, start taking things away. Like her phone. Give it back as a reward for doing the right thing. I've had 7 teenagers. Make sure she understands that it's the things she does wrong that you don't like, not her. Good Luck, I know how difficult it can be. Trust me, she'll come around if she feels you really care about her more than the things she does or doesn't do.

Fiona - posted on 12/28/2009

no the liason officer is there to offer advice and support and as a back up really. i make the rules and he sort of tells her that she has to behave. i am there for my child always have been and i always tel her so. she just couldnt handle the way this boy was treating her. i can cope fine but she wasnt obeying rules and doing what she want. liason officer was there to give her a fright more so than anything. couldnt continue to go out all hours looking for her when i have 3 other children to look after. liason ofier told her the dangers of her behaviour exactly like i did and that if she didnt obey my rules they would step in. i know im not a bad mother im not perfect either. but trying todomy best

Fiona - posted on 12/28/2009

she is a good kid most of the time. it all started when she started seeing this boy. not so much while she was seeing him, more like when he dumped her. she kept chasing him and he picked her up and droped her when he felt like it. she has a new one now. i met him yeserday and he is a lovely kid i have to say. very polite well mannered and respectful. so fingers cossed. she told me she went on the binge because the other boy is spreading rumours. xmas night she met him at th party she was at and said he was doing her head in. thats why she went awol. we had agodlong chat and i dont think its anything but that oy and the way he was treating her.

Angel - posted on 12/28/2009

Having a 14 and 17 year old daughters there are many times I feel at my witts end. However, I think the best thing in situations like this is to really try to find the ROOT of the the problem. There is something that has triggered this behavior. Through the many classes that I have taken over the years I have learned many things. One of which is that raising our voices never works and only escalates the problem. Sit down and tell her these are the rules and these are the consequences for breaking the rules. I would take away every priveledge she has until she has earned them back by good behavior. Maybe it would be a good idea to find a couselor that you could go to with her. If you can get your hands on a Parenting with Love and Logic book I would read it quick. Practice what they teach in that book. I have found it to work wonders with my teens.

Michele - posted on 12/27/2009

Fiona:

I too have a 16 yr. old that is driving me crazy. From what all of her moms friends say there daughter's are all doing the same thing. It seems they are trying to push the boundaries to see what they can get away with. I can't even look at my daughter without her and I getting into a screaming match. Nothing I say is right. We have now started to going to therapy once a week togethrer and she has calmed down a little, its only been three weeks, I need to give it time. I hope that maybe this can be an option for u. Need to talk just email me.

Hugs,

Michele

Mary - posted on 12/27/2009

Also too, EVERYTHING is a priveledge! Even a bedroom door. A bedroom window too. We nailed up our daughters bedroom window and took the door of the hinges. Every window in the house had a screw in it last summer to keep her inside at night.

And as with your daughter, it was always about a boy! Its like now when she gets ugly...I can be sure there is a fellow to blame somwhere. And each and every time I am right.

The really important thing is took not lose your temper and yell back at her. I am very weak in this area. :O(

Yelling back will just scare the younger kids and likely give her reason to blame you or whatever.

Christmas before last was absolutely RUINED because of my daughter pulling her stunts. So I can relate to your pain there.

She has then since ruined my birthday last year and then Mothers Day right after.

I was shocked we got in a decent Holiday this year.

All in all you really don't want to go as far as kicking her out. This is so dangerous.

Mine ran away in October for a month and it was pure hell. Though quieter at home, I was worried sick every time an ambulance went by or when the phone rang at odd hours.

So don't take the tough love stance that far yet. Only do that if she is endangering the household and people in it. Not just because she is disrespecting it. Not just yet.

Take a firm stance. Repeat your rules. Post them in her room where she can read them. Tell her (I love this one); "I would be a horrible mother if I let you just run buck wild all hours all over with who-ever. I love you and want you safe."



Praying for you all in this my friend,

Mary~

Cathy - posted on 12/27/2009

you are at your witts end start taking her tv stero any thing that matter away

Kim - posted on 12/27/2009

I totally agree with all of these posts. I have been going through the same thing with my 17 year old step daughter for about 2 1/2 years. She has gotten worse and worse. She had sex for the first time at 15 with a neighbor boy that was 1 week before turning 18 and continued the games with him. SHe has since had sex with 8 different guys, smoked weed, gotten drunk. smoking cigs. and so on. She is now out of my house. We told her that these wre out rules and we dont allow those things to go on in our home since we do have a very impressionable 9 year old daughter. She decided she did not want to follow our house rules and she found her way out the door. It is called tough love and you have to do it or they will walk over top of you over and over. My heart has been hurt so many times and my poor husband has been a mess. Having her out of our house has been the best thing that could have happened. Our 9 year old is doing much better in school and home, we all get along much better and she seems to be much happier.
I know it my seem hard and believe me it is at first, but you have to make her see the light and it's time for her to be an adult if that is what she wants.. Let her find her way to the door.. GOOD LUCK!!

Jeyn - posted on 12/27/2009

Taking a hardline with your kids is never easy. But, you are doing the right thing. When my daughter started acting out, we told her why we were concerned and what needed to change if she wanted to have any freedom. She did start doing better (after some time and many conversations and arguements), but she didn't get her grades up where we told her they needed to be. We were afraid that following through with our threats to pull her out of her school and send her to a new one would be a set back after the progress, but we had to follow through with what we said. It was the right decision. When we decided to take her out of her school, we told her that we were proud of how much better things were, but she didn't live up to the grades, so we still had to transfer her. She cried, she was mad, but in the end it worked out great. She has rules and consequences now that she knows we will follow through with. You can't choose your daughters friends or boyfriends, but you can keep her in the house and call the police when she sneaks out. You can put her in counseling. You can take EVERYTHING out of her room except a mattress and a change of clothes and only give them back when she has followed the rules for a full week. And if she hates you or even has to spend some time locked up, it is better orer to know that there are rules and consequences and if she wants a life, she has to respect you and herself. Sneaking out is not just rebellious, it's dangerous. Stick to your guns Mom. And, in the midst of all of this, even when she's yelling that se hates you, tell her every day that you love her.

Emilia - posted on 12/27/2009

My parents told me, "The locks are on the doors to keep bad people out, not to keep good people in."

Worked wonders.

Also recognize that you could be the best parent on the planet but if your child insists on making bad decisions then they need to be made to pay the consequences. No?