16 year old leaves to go live with her dad, where did I go wrong? I gave everything I could. I feel LOST.

Kimberley - posted on 08/08/2011 ( 250 moms have responded )

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She recently decided to go live with her dad. I am torn apart about this. I feel screwed over. I am angry about it. I feel lonely, alone, and hurt to say the least. Anyone else deal with this situation? She is 16 years old. I know her dad has been pressuring her because she told me so. I AM HURT! Any feedback is appreciated. Thanks

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Mardi - posted on 09/24/2012

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Jill you definately need to lay some ground rules, and being a doormat for your daughter, not to mention your ex getting off easy.



If your daughter wants all the changes of living with her dad, its time he picked up some of the responsibility that goes to the parent housing the child....ie, helping her get her way home from school, or work, if need be help her to change jobs and running her to and from for those said jobs.



At the moment she has the best of all worlds, still gets to hang out at your place, have you run around after her.....this has to stop. She either wants to live with you and have you do those things for her, or at her fathers and have him do it (or like my ex) not do it and have to deal with those consequences. If she thinks she is big enough to deal with this, then she needs to deal with all aspects of it.



You concentrate on your studies and work, and dont burn yourself out for an unappreciating child and a lazy ex, you divorced him, you owe him nothing. Good luck

Jill - posted on 09/24/2012

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what if its early in the process... my 16-year just up and left and went to her dad's. Is blaming me not being there for her, and is also blaming my current husband for being rude to her. we are apologizing and trying to make amends. But I feel like I am getting and gonna get manipulated in the process. Her dad lives out of the school district so he drives her to school in the morning. She is currently coming to my house after svhool and I am expected to drive her to her dad's every night when I get home from work. She also works a part time job near my house, and sometimes gets off work at 9 or 10 pm. I am also expected to do that drive. Just a bit of background, I work at 3 a.m. to 9 a.m. My job is going away due to technology and I have returned to school. I am in school until 5 p.m. I don't want to work those crazy hours but my ex has figured out a legal loophole since he got laid off 5 years ago to barely pay support and only gives $350 a month for 2 kids. I don't know how long I can physically or emotionally keep up the daily drive to his house. I have been advised its time with her and I should take advantage of it. But it feels like I am being used and she gets to come to my house but not have any responsibilities my son still has, and then gets to up and leave and disrupt the entire household. I basically feel like I am supporting her running away and helping her establish herself in that household while extending myself even further physically and emotionally than I can sensibly do. help

Teresa - posted on 09/16/2012

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WOW! Reading everything here really made me feel better to know that I'm not alone. My friends and family keep telling me she will come back and to be patient. My daughter who is 16 left to go live with her father over a year ago. Things went from bad to worse when I found a picture of a boy in my house on her bed on Facebook. If she really didn't want to get caught, she wouldn't have posted it. But, I confiscated all electronics... two days later, she told me she would be going to stay with her father. I thought it would be temporary, but before too long, I got an ultimatum from my ex-husband stating that if I didn't agree to the terms, he would go to court and my daughter would have to go before the judge. Everything I've done, like most of you, was for HER. After the divorce, I stayed in a job I hated, remained in the area FOR HER. She is very talented and smart and I think she has manipulated the whole situation. Briefly, she came back for about three months, and did nothing but complain about how terrible things were with her father.... how he allowed her to stay at her boyfriend's house for the WHOLE Thanksgiving holiday.... refused to take her to the doctor when she was sick or pick up her medicine. Oh let me add... He has moved in a much older, uneducated, still married PSYCHO. This woman has been harassing me, sending me messages about how she got my husband and how much money he makes and how she is the one who takes my daughter to the doctor now and how I made my daughter feel bad. It's a huge mess. I have no contact with my ex-husband or daughter. My ex-husband used to sometimes respond to emails or texts, but this woman has infiltrated his email and intercepts any communication I attempt and responds back to me with venom. My daughter has always sought her father's affection, and by choosing HIM over me, he will give her what she wants... all the freedom. He and I both lost our jobs last year and it was tough all around. However, my daughter has figured out where she can get the most freedom and money. In May, when she told me she wanted to go back with her father because my fiance and I are too boring, I lost it all over again. She came back for 4 months, but I never trusted her. It was just like the same knife in my back, going deeper this time. Money has been a real struggle and I just started working again last week. I don't know what to do to get my daughter back. I just want to see her and hug her, but when I think about the reality of seeing her and talking her with her messed up spoiled, princess attitude all it does is make me sick to my stomach. I will always love her, but I really am so disappointed and don't like her behavior. She knows where I am and how to get in touch with me. I'm not ready to continue bending over backwards, sacrificing myself for her to treat me like dirt. I did that too long with her father and I don't deserve to be treated that why by anyone, least of my child, who I have done everything for since the day I found out I was pregnant. Oh by the way, the terms of my ex-husband's ultimatum included that I would not pay child support.... the jerk always made more than 2 times what I made... as a result, I lost the house because the child support didn't even cover the mortgage. And now I'm the villian because the house went to foreclosure. Uh, it isn't rocket science. He knew how much I made. He knew how much the mortgage was. He knew when he stopped paying child support. He's a very smart man who wears blinders because he is an emotionally lazy and stunted, completely selfish man-child. In his view, everything that isn't right in his life, will always be my fault. He wouldn't have ANYTHING in this country, if I hadn't given him a chance. The whole thing makes me sick. I just want my daughter to soften her heart and return to the nice, sweet person that I want to desperately to believe is still inside her. Oh and she lost her virginity while under her father's care.... Sure, it COULD have happened under my watch, but it definitely would have been more difficult. Anyway, I appreciate finding this forum... Oh and it's so much harder for me: I'm an only child who has an only child. Her departure has hurt so many family members and friends who love her and are just so disappointed. Her little godcousins have always looked up to her and she doesn't even communicate with her 'aunts' or grandmother or anything... The pain just never goes away.

Mum Of - posted on 09/11/2012

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Hi there, This thread was good and sad reading for me. I divorced 10 years ago and have raised my now 14 year old boy and soon to be 16 year old daughter alone since then. They are great kids and do well and school and in sports etc. Four weeks ago, I went out for coffee with a friend and when I got back, they had cleared their room and gone to live with their dad. Until the past few days I have been on my knees, in a very very dark place full of pain, anger, worry and a whole host of other feelings.



I stayed in the area after the marriage breakdown, even though home is 400 miles away, so that the kids could see their dad regularly. He used to see them 3 times a week and overnight every other weekend but that stopped when he quickly remarried and had a third child (now 18 months old) with wife number two. My two had never wanted to meet his second wife- there was a lot of trouble at the start- and my daughter especially dug her heels in. Their dad had refused to see them save for a few hours on a Saturday, until they became partof his new family.



Just a few months ago, I cuddled my daughter as she shed some rare tears when she told me she'd finally told her dad how all this made her feel- that her and her brother were the stroppy teenagers that got in the way of his new life etc. I was glad, as he loves them and she held too much in. My boy, at 14, suddenly became this angry young man who screamed and shouted a lot and I had to get "in his face" a few times- he is a big boy for his age.



This year so far, in retrospect, hasn't been a happy one in our home- I was constantly stressed and worried about money and keeping things together for them and hold on to our home. I perhaps wasn't the nicest mum to live with but I am distraught that they left. My whole life, other than work, revolved around them (in retrospect a mistake?) and they now have cut me out completely. They now live along the road with their dad, his new wife who is playing mother to them, and their half brother. They live in a very impressive property, where money is not a concern at all, and dad and new wife are buying them new phones, holding grand parties for them all. How can I compete with that? My career hasnt progressed as it should have as I was a single mum with no family around to help.



They have cut me out completely- I had a glimpse of my boy walking home from school the other day (he has to walk past my house) and it broke my heart. I am scared to push them- when it first happened, there were a lot of angry, hurtful and horrible text messages, but 4 weeks on, my instinct is to let it all settle. Reading of other Mum's experiences has helped me so thank you x

Kisha - posted on 09/10/2012

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I understand how you feel i went thru that with my daughter and now my son! my daughter left to stay with her dad and then realized that she wanted to be home with me so then my son who is 14 went to live with him it hurt really bad at frist but i know that i did nothing wrong so all i can do is support her and him and you should do that as well let her know that you will always be there no matter what.

Cindy - posted on 09/08/2012

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Lacy Hang in There. It will get better. There are so many reasons why these ex's (and sometimes women do these things. There is one strong parent in divorce and usually one week. My ex isn't even stable. After 11 years, including this morning at 1:21 amd he sent me a text back rudely saying he pays for this and that. This was his response to me asking him to register my daughter for SAT. I was blocked and my computer was shutting down and I was trying to make the deadline at 9pm last night. I asked him for help to complete the process and he said no I should have done it earlier. The problem is there is no one in the system to hold these horribly dysfucntional people accountable. Sadly for our teens no one cares once they are 15 or 16. We need better laws to wipe out the immaturity that hurts our children that we pay for emotionally and physically and of course they pay for it too. All I can say is he will probablycome back because sometimes these men cant handle the kids for long they just give up. I guess that is why they are the ex.

Tina - posted on 09/07/2012

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My son 16 year old son has just decided to live with his dad....he has onlky spent the last 3 weeks with the dad part time and only spent 4 days in total with the dad last year. The dad has over the last 5 years seen my son no more than 10 times. My son has decided to stay with his grandma , his dad doesn't stay there full time. My son was due to start level 3 BTEC in Sport which he would have had an apprenticeship from. He was looking forward to this. After 3 weeks the 'dad' who hasnt paid maintenance for 3 years...rings and tells me that my son is wasting his time doing this qualification and he would have better opportunities living with him. My son has not received a xmas card or a birthday card from his father for 3 years. All of a sudden 'daddy' is flashing the cash and now my son believes he is better off living with grandma. I am very hurt but.......I have decided that if he feels that strongly about living there and believes he is a 'grown up' then as much as it hurts me, as with all mothers your instinct is to protect your child, then I have to stand back and let him find out the truth about grandma and dad. My daughter who is 19 remembers what these people are like. My son was too young to remember. I have told him I love him and that he has always got a home here with me. Thats all I can do.

Lacy - posted on 09/07/2012

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I just recently had the same thing happen. I took electronics away from my son because he disrespected his usage, so he packed up and left with his father. My son is 16 and will not talk to me at all, one word if I am lucky (on Facebook inbox).

I am lost too and have bended over backwards to have him in my life since I was 17 yrs. old. His father never once cared to fight for him and when he did fight,it was because of my sons grand parents (my sons, fathers parents) and of course thier money was used. I cry just about every day and think constantly that I always pushed him to not put things over family. Guess what? His father gave him a new IPhone 4! Then lied to me about it. Although, I do not wish this on anyone, it is so nice to know other parents are in similar situations.

Cindy - posted on 09/04/2012

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Hi Karen,

Sorry about that. The way these fathers handle things is beyond sneaky but sometimes women are also sneaky. I am so emotionally tired from what my ex puts me through, very similar to yours and these stories. I have found out so many disturbing things about the things he has done. He has really hurt and messed up my son but my son is slowly coming back. My ex puts the kids in the middle, slanders me regulrly all the while I do his work for him relating to children even on his days, and is insanely vindictive like a woman! I can no longer cry about it. Although my children are back for now and on our regular shared custody schedule, I know the ex is going to continue his emotional torture and games. My next fear is he is going to sabotage a wedding I plan. He is the type you do all the work and he goes behind your back and plans anohter event takes credit same day! I hope your get your boy back. It sounds like the son needs make bonding which is normal. He will be back. I am very sorry!

Karen - posted on 09/04/2012

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Yes so glad you all are talking about child leaving home without consent. I also had a 15 year old son to leave home without my consent this year. His Father and I have joint custody with primary residence being with me. He goes away for the summer every year to stay with his Father. Well get this! This year he had to go to summer school which wasnt over until Aug 3rd. So naturally when he asked if he could go stay with his Father for two weeks I agreed and thought nothing on it. Well when he was suppose to come back, he sent a me a nasty letter (sounded just like his Father speaking in it) and said he wasn't coming back this time. Told me his dad had already withdrawn him from school on July 31st before summer school had even ended. They had already been planning for him to say this time. He had been trying for years to get down there with his Father, but I would aways say no. I was not ready to live without my babyboy. I have two grown daughters, so I wasnt ready to be without my baby boy. It hurt me to the core!! I felt betrayed. I did everything for my son even when I didnt have money I still went out my way so he could have whatever he wanted. My son doesnt see anything wrong with what he has done. I told him to have it his way. If he could disrespect his own Mother like that then he needed to be with his Dad. My son always talks about karma. Well guess what? Im gonna sit back and watch and wait. It still hurts though!!!

Keri - posted on 09/01/2012

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Hi, I am crying over all the stories posted here. My almost 19 yr old who moved out on June 10th 2012 has FINALLY broken the ice w/ me. She texted me on my Birthday on July 31, which was the start... since we hadn't spoken since before that moment. Then she texted me about a few more things in this month, and came to take the family dog (I have custody of) for a day out. 2 days ago she finally came by. It was a short 45 minutes, and she mainly only came to get her package she received, but I"ll take what I can get. At least now when I call her and text.... she responds or answers.

All I can say is, I felt exactly like you all do right now, and I hope patience helps you like it did w/ me. I had to be patient and let her cool off and adjust to our ongoing divorce and new home w/ her dad...etc. In time they learn things aren't what they perceived in their minds and they will come back slowly.

I really pray this helps give you some hope and faith.

Linda - posted on 09/01/2012

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two years ago my children said they wanted to live with their Dad. Went to court to fight my daugher was only 13 and my son was 15. Their Dad manipulated the whole thing. He is so angry to this day about the divorce 11 years ago. I am devastated . I feel like what did I do wrong?. I had normal disciplinary guidelines and they argued with me and because their Dad didnt care they took the easier route. In court they told the judge I was always fighting with them, acted irrational and emotional. things I've heard from their Dad ( go figure) In the last year I have remarried thank goodness. But I still am hurt and cry a lot because the kids do not call me, and I only see them every other week end. They can go all week or 10 days without speaking to me. mY husband and I moved into a house to be closer to them and so I could take her to school. The judge ruled that they could be with me more often upon their choice if their Dad and I would agree.

I tried recently thru mediation to work it out so I would see my daughter during the week. My son is gone 1st year in college. The mediation was a joke. He was so rude and threatening.

Ive asked my daughter to please come and stay with me. she doesnt commit and will tell me at the last minute and I dont like that. or she wont come at all. Its been 10 days since I last saw her and wont legally get her till next weekend. If I hadnt texted her to ask her to consider coming and I expressed my upset at not hearing fom her. or her not answering my request to call. So, she still did not call me today like promised 2 nights ago,. Our conversation is thru txt and I again ask her to tell me when coming next week and asked if for wed - thru weekend which is mine. she said no she was going to come one night and then back for the weekend. I begged her to do more and she said no I always ask. So, Im upset, feel like she could care less. IM crying My husband gets upset with me cause he says it will never change and I need to get tough love and next time she asks for something I say no. Im so upset I told her just forget about it because its so inconvient for her and she answered with ok. Im afraid Im so upset one night would be as bad because I miss her so much and cannot catch up in one school night. I feel like she doesnt really want to only because I've begged her. I saw in the above posts where people said demand that your kid sees you even if you lost custody. Im struggling to get my daughter to agree to that and her Dad is not working with me, in fact he is probably working against the whole thing. It hurts so much that she doesn't care. And as a parent when you tell your kid to call you and they dont, it is disrepectful. In a normal situation most kids would have a consequence but I have no control with no custody. and she knows it!

That is why my husband said tell her no when she wants something. bc, she doesnt do what I ask that is so simple. I am trying to distract myself from the hurt but it seems like when more than a week goes by with no word from her or barely only bc I insist it gets to me. I feel so hurt and angry.

Jennifer Josephine - posted on 08/28/2012

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Thank you! I find this very therapeutic talking and listening to other women that feel the same way I do. I take this 1 day at a time. xo! Go do something you like to do ;) you deserve it!

Paula - posted on 08/28/2012

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Thanks Jennifer. I think that is a really good message. We need to keep reminding ourselves that we are good people and that we di our best. Fngers crossed our children will realise that eventually!! xx

Jennifer Josephine - posted on 08/28/2012

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I understand. ive been going through this for years. my ex married a girl 12 years younger than him he met her when she was still a senior in high school and he was 30. she did what she could to get me out of my son's life. she wanted to be mom. She would spoil him buy him whatever he wanted and let him get away with whatever he did. When my son turned 15 he decided to move in with his dad. now he's 18. He only comes around when he wants money. Typical teenager... what really gets me angry is when my ex's wife has my son try to get money from me to pay for things. now I never collected child support at all. I raise my son by myself for 15 years with no help from him. now he still won't talk to me but then his ex wife tried to get me to pay for things I don't think so. it would be different if my ex included me in my son's life. I do give my son money here in there. I do buy him clothes. I bought him a cellphone and I'm paying his monthly bills. my son doesn't realize all this it's going on and how upset and how unfair they have been treating me. So when I don't give them what they ask for..my son gets mad and blames me. im so tired of being the bad guy. I raised him good. Why is my son doing this to me? So I fully understand how you feel. I do my best to remind myself self that im a good person and one day my son will see that.

Paula - posted on 08/28/2012

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I have a 16 year old son and a 13 year old daughter. My ex worked away all of their lives, month off month on. I have been there for everything but he decided he wanted to work away to get money for the family. We split a year ago and immediately afterwards he moved his new girl friend, 15 years his junior and 10 years junior to me, into the family home and me and the children moved out. He has now decided that he had made a mistake to work away so much and has given up work and wants the children to live with him. My 16 year old son has decided that is what he wants and my 13 year old daughter is 'thinking about it'. I feel betrayed by my children. Their father was emotionally abussive to me, he did not feel that I was good enough for him and tried to make me feel worthless. I am not worthless, I am well educated, have a great job, lots of friends and a great relationship with the rest of my family and even a great new relationship with a lovely, caring man. I feel like he has 'educated' the children to believe that I am worthless as that is how they treat me. They use the same language towards me as my ex such as 'You are deluded', I don't even know what they mean!! My son said that he wont talk to me on the phone because I wont let him speak, this is not true. I don't believe that he wants the children to live with them for their best intwerests, I believe that he is using them to make me feel worthless. I was part time to look after the children and have been penialised financially for this. I feel like he has replaced me with a younger model and and I feel like the children have replaced me too. I feel like I have wasted my life with him and I am losing my children.

Jennifer Josephine - posted on 08/27/2012

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Yes. I went through this 3 years ago. My son was 15 when he went to go live with his Dad. It killed me. I've never been the same. I feel like I failed as a Mother. To make matters worse...my ex don't communicate with me. His new wife has taken my place. I raised my son by myself for the first 15 years of his life, now I'm nothing. He's 18. Only comes around when he wants money. I don't know what I did wrong. Its hurting me more and more everyday. It's hard. I hope it's getting better for you.

Cindy - posted on 08/26/2012

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Hi Tammy,



I want to support you. Most people tell me to stand my ground and not be a doormat as advice. I am having similar (maybe worse) things going on over here. The advice is ok to take with a grain of salt but I am not a doormat at all. These are my children who I have spent 17 years with my daughter...15 with my son.....raising them and doing EVERYTHING! It is impossible to just "erase and get over it". It is a death. What can help is focusing on positive and actually doing a ton of stuff of stuff for yourself. My ex has slandered me and for years premeditatively alieanted me from communication involving my children and now my children. Betrayal isn't fun. It is a death. Yes they are with him because they want to explore dad but mostly because he has a car my daughter can drive and no rules. I am no one dummy and apparently my children need to be around him. I ask why couldn't I have a great ex, a good dad. It didn't happen. Unfortunately no one cares about children at all and especially if they are over 15. I understand going to the courts could waste time. I am a fighter. I am considering take it to the state and federal level. Nothing will change if we don't. Lawyers take our childrens money when we are already poor, and thecourts allow our children to be pieces on a chess board with no consequences for offenses. I may not succeed in time for my children to benefit but if I can help other future families, that would make me happy. In the meantime, I am trying to heal my relationship with my children. I was put on the defense for doing nothing wrong. I still cry sporadically because I miss my babies. My daughter is moving back home in a few days but things will never be the same. I cannot enforce bratty behavior without support, they run to him and he loathes in it. This is where the courts should deny those parents rights, the ones who do wrong.I am hear to chat. It really helps

Tammy - posted on 08/26/2012

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Hi,

Its been so helpful reading eveyone's comments and know im not alone. My 15yr old son left my home without consent to move in with his dad. This has been so hard to except as i was the one who raised him and has been there for him. The so called dad has over the last 15yrs been terrible with supporting his son in all areas and i know my son thinks the grass will be greener as his dad will let him do whatever he wants. I sadly now have the problem that his dad is using my son to get at me. He is not allowing my son to stay nights at mine as this means i have to pay more child support and is not communicating with me regarding his needs, wellbeing or progress. Im gutted as i left this man because he tried to control me at all times and now is trying it again. I had to claim child support as he would not willingly pay for his son. He is now wanting to claim from me even though he still owes me over £2000 and the child support have advised me i have to pay even if he isnt paying bk what im owed through them. They say they will retrieve that from him seperate which seems so silly. I cant get any help with him resticting my access to my son just for more money as i live in the uk and our laws state a child from 13yrs can decide which parent they wish to live with. Its so hard and angers me as this man didnt care when my son was growing up and doesnt have parental rights yet my son in the laws eyes can live there without my consent unless i go to court. I am not going with this option as by the time i pay legal costs taking him to court my will be 16 and i wont have a say then. Also its my sons choice so im trying to respect that its just so hard with his dad being difficult at all times no matter how i try to approach him. He is very clever telling my son one thing and me another. I really hope my son realises what he doing to the family he has a 4yr old brother who is very confused to. Im scared for my son he is rebeling with everything and know his father is not the right person to support him through all his issues right now. I feel like there has been a death in the family and have been so emotional, trying to keep strong for the rest of my family but with my sons dad making life hard for me out of some hate towards me is very hard. I cant even have a text from him without him constantly bringing up our relationship which ended over a decade ago. Just putting one foot in front of the other at the moment and trying to stay in touch as much as possible with my son.

Leticia - posted on 08/23/2012

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Kimberly,



I'm in the same situation that you are right now. I have 3 children from my ex, but for some reason the oldest has always been his favorite. I was married for over 16 yrs, and in a very abusive relationship. My ex would try to spank the kids and I would always interfere. And as a result I would get in a harsh argument or beaten by him.



My son will be 16 yrs old in December, and last month he took off to live with his dad without my consent. I'm torned apart and I feel betrayed after all I've done for him, but I have 2 other children that I must worry about. My ex bribe my child by telling him that if he moved in with him he would buy in a car. My kid may see it greener on the other side right now, but I know for a fact that he'll end up coming back home in less than 3 months. I'm sure your daughter will do the same. Most kids do! Hang in there, and always think positive.



As a matter of fact, I don't know if i'm doing right by doing this, but I'm giving my son some tough love because I haven't seen him or talked to him at all. I simply told him not to call or contact me for anything at all because he's dad is full responsible for him. I want him to learn things the tough way, and he will eventually realize that a mother is the most important thing in his life because we've done and will continuosly do anything for them.



You daughter will be back and it may bring both of you closer than before...good luck.

Mardi - posted on 08/23/2012

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Stop being torn, or allowing them to use the emotional abuse to their advantage, if they want to go live with their father and visit you, thats what they do, but they cant just go there because they are not getting what they want at your place.

Show some self respect woman and dont let them walk all over you.

Letting them go may hurt, but not as much as being trampled by them over the next few years.

If they want that lifestyle, they have to choose it and live by it, minimum 12 months, and then ask to come back.



My son came back at 18 (just before his 18th birthday), his father had introduced him to weed, allowed him to drop down to just a pass/fail grade, instead of getting a uni score. He had his learners, but had only done 3hrs in a year (I got him his learners the year before when he was visiting), no car, no job, no work experience and no idea what to do with his life.



Now nearly 12 months later, he is onto his 2nd tafe course and looking at doing and Advance 2yr Diploma starting next year. He has a car, savings, 2 part time jobs and has some direction in his life. He still smokes a bit, but that has cut back, he's too busy....lol So I will puff up my chest and be a proud mother, my son is nearly ready to go out into the world as an independant adult.

Cindy - posted on 08/23/2012

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I am with you 100%. I have done everything for and with my children and covered for their father for 10 years while he was verbally abusive to me behind the scenes, sabotaged many of my efforts with children, neglectful to them, not home often. I have held up the fort and loved and nurtured and put myself on the line to save them from bad stuff happening in school. We came home from the beach and my daughter wanted to immediately visit her boyfriend. I said no tomorrow we are all tired. She texted my niece and next thing I know she is living with her father who has a nice extra car for her to drive and is never home. Since then I have not slept more than three hours at a time. The father in the meantime has gotten involved negatively using the children against me acting like it is a game and he is winning. I have still taken them and done things while he basically stole my children. Just last night my son didnt come home he went to his dad without telling me. Pardon the french but they are being little devils as far as I am concerned only hurting themself and the father should support what is right. There should be justice. It isn't fair at all. He abusively says, " I can do what I want no one cares when they are 15 and older I have attorney friends and cop friends" Please help!

Karen - posted on 08/20/2012

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Hi, I feel for you, my son was 14 when he announced he wanted to go live with his dad, he didnt like my rules anymore. I felt gutted, and a failure too. But I had to let him go, I still had my other 3 children, 12,10,8. I kept the lines open, told him when he left that the door was open,, he could come back anytime. About 7months later, he wanted to visit me in the school holidays, when he got to me, he said he was not going back, and he didnt. He is now 21 great job and has his own house (or the bank and him do).. So good ending, I am sure that the same will be for your daughter. Just send a text each day, say hi, how are you etc etc...... but as all kids I now have bigger problems, the then 10 year old daughter, now 17 has announced she has quit school and moving out, she has decided to cut me off as she puts it, tells me that I never consider her etc etc. But the other 3 kids all boys, think she is the spoilt one. The more she hurts me with her words, the better she feels its heartbreaking.

Jodi - posted on 08/20/2012

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I'm so sorry for your hurt. Experience it fully, live in it, and then move yourself through it. She is still your daughter and she will still need her mother; you want to be available come that time!

good luck and godspeed

Melissa - posted on 08/20/2012

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My 16 yr old daughter is on a plane right now on her way to live with her Dad in Iowa. It has broken my heart and I am still in shock. He never paid child support, he never visited them (I have 2 girls, 15 & 16). But my 16 year old wants to have more "stuff" and a more exciting life, and her Dad is "so cool." I have worked 40-60 hours per week all of these years, have been their sole provider of EVERYTHING (food, shelter, love, support, fun, Etc.). I can't afford to give them everything they want, but they are not deprived. My 16 year old is suffering from some sort of "princess" syndrome; she also is in a big rush to grow up. She thinks life in Des Moines will be so fun and exciting compared to her live in the country here in the deep south. She was always my star child, the apple of my eye. My pride and joy. Now I feel so betrayed....mostly I feel like a total, complete and utter FAILURE. This really sucks. She will be 17 in a few weeks, and here in South Carolina the law is that at 17 I as a parent can't stop her from leaving my home. I decided to go agead and let her go live with her Dad for now so that she can start school fresh at the beggining of the year...I am hoping she comes back...but mostly I just hope that her life does become as happy and fulfilled as it can possibly be and I pray that our relationship doesn't suffer too much. We have always been super close. I have my other daughter to consider, so I can't allow myself to fall into a depression over all of this. I am comforted to know that I am not the only one to go throught this, but I wish none of us had to know this pain.

Rita - posted on 08/13/2012

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This is an unbearable hurt. I feel the same. Like mourning. I'm hoping there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

Chaya - posted on 08/11/2012

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I told my ex that if he sues me, all he's going to get is practice. (Not a lawsuit,but same difference)

Rita - posted on 08/11/2012

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Sorry to hear. Ive just recently had this happen with my 12 year old and now my ex is pursuing child support from me

Chaya - posted on 07/23/2012

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You likely didn't do anything wrong. She may wish to get to know him better, or go to a different school, or perfers his rules to yours, or just about anything, Just keep busy and go about your life, she'll either return or notm but don't stress over it.

Anita - posted on 07/23/2012

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Hey William! Some of us gave our ex's plenty of opportunity to be fathers to our children and they had no interest until all the hard work was done and the kids were nearly grown and self sufficient.. . So you are either a dead beat father with a guilt complex and is blaming everything on he es, or a child who is mad at mommy and clueless to what raising a child is really all about and too immature to realize your daddy doesn't truly give a rats butt about you! Either way grow up and be a real man

Gina - posted on 07/20/2012

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IMGOING THROUGH THE SAME THING.MY DAUGHTER LET RIGHT BEFORE GRADUATON, IT HAS BEEN HURTFULL ON THE WHOLE FAMILY. CAN'SLEEP. ANY ADVISE WOULD BE GREAT
GEE

Monica - posted on 07/15/2012

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I see that your post is old.....so I just wanted to check in and see how things are going with your daughter. I must say when I read this I immediately started to tear up. I can't imagine my daughter or boys for that matter, ever leaving me to live with their dad. I would just die! So I hope that you are well and the situation has worked itself out!

Irene - posted on 07/12/2012

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I know how you feel my lot, i have 4, have all said this at some time usually when they have been disciplined or you have had and argument about one thing or another, and it hurts, but the thing that hurts more is when he (the Ex) say's "no" for one excuse or another, the hurt in there faces, If he( your EX) is a responsible dad, then she will have the same or similar chores, curfews etc,and end up with a good relationship with you and him, when they realize, that it is all for love.
You should start in some groups, work, charities, fitness club, go out for tea, the movies, have lunch and shopping dates with her too.
My second child 15 at the time,ran away instead,knew where she was but could not get her back,police said they can drag her back, but cannot make her stay, she was gone for about 6 months, that was a nightmare, i was lucky she never got into drugs or trouble etc, anyway she is now 18, living back at home, working and paying rent, and there are still rules and chores to do,and as i always say to them" if you can find some where to live, that does not have that let me know I'll come too.

Becky - posted on 07/12/2012

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I think a lot of daughters are close to their fathers so it is not unusual for them to choose to go live with them. I did the same thing when my patents divorced and my mom promised me it was ok but never treated me the same and ourr relationship still sucks today. If she goes, please do all you can to be supportive and understanding of her decision. She will always want you back in her life if you but if you mess it up by being angry, you will not have that back. Don't let short-term decisions ruin a great relationship with her. Hang in there. If she is your only child, you need to find things to do with your time. Take care of you. Enjoy your time. She does love you still.

Linda - posted on 07/11/2012

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I choose to live with my father when I was 12 (not sure if the age has changed but you could legally choose who you lived with from age 12yrs then) I chose to live with my father because he was a calmer person & easier to talk to & get along with, there were still boundaries. My mothers & my own personality didn't mesh well! I didn't move because I didn't love her as much - so with that know that no matter what your daughter still loves you & still needs you, I know it hurts for you but try not to make her feel guilty, just try to let her know that you respect her decision, that you love her no matter what &she is welcome to move back at anytime if needs be (that doesn't mean it's ok for her to play ping-pong between both of you, just that it's ok for her to come home if she realizes she's made the wrong choice)! My mum tried to make me feel guilty for leaving because when my sister left to live with dad when I was 9yrs she made me promise her that I would never leave her - her trying to make me feel bad (which went on for the rest of my teen life) about my decision just put more of a wedge between us &made our relationship more strained. I didn't need her to make me feel bad about my decision - I already felt bad about causing her pain, for that reason it took me allot of courage to get the words out my mouth to tell her I wanted to go in the first place.
She may have moved for the soul purpose of having more freedom to do as she pleases & thinks her father will let her but you may find that in the future she may reach out to you for more stability so try not to push her away (which at this time she maybe doing to you just so she doesn't have to see or feel the hurt that she knows she has caused you) - it may help if you can try to talk to her about how the situation makes you feel, if she is willing at this time to listen,& see if she will talk to you about why she has made this decision but try not to allow judgement or anger come into the conversation.
I don't know if any of what I've written helps but I wish you all the best & hope things become soother & easier for you soon & try to remind yourself that her choice doesn't necessarily mean that she loves you less & her father more just that where she lives is different.

Kim - posted on 07/11/2012

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Like someone else said, your daughter is lacking something that her father can give her at this point in her life and it has nothing to do with all the mothering you have done thus far. She will grow to respect and appreciate all that you have done for her especially when she becomes a mom herself one day. For now, take a little break for yourself! Let him parent for a while!

Kim - posted on 07/11/2012

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It must hurt knowing that you raised your daughter, felt that you were very close to her, and now feel betrayed by her decision. I assure you that she still loves you and you will always be her mother. In this case you may want to give your daughter a break. Your daughter probably feels stuck in the middle. She probably feels like for some reason you are the stronger party and is going to live with her dad cause he needs her most right now. I would be glad that she is living at her dads because a teenage girl really needs her father at this time in her life with dating and learning to drive a car, just like she needed you more as a baby. Give it some time and respect her decision, cause I guarantee she will move right back in with you before it's over. She will see that she needs you too and she will start to miss you as well. Her father could have talked her into it knowing it would hurt you or she may get away with more with him. Ask her out for lunch or a Friday night movie. Sometimes, kids have to make their own decisions and as parents we may not like it but we have to live with it.

Kimberly - posted on 07/10/2012

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You have done nothing wrong first of all....it is unfortunate that this happens and we as mothers who have done everything from changing diapers to helping with the loss of a first love while the other parent simply sends a cheque for support....in my situation both children left to live with dad who lives 5 hours away...i too was lost and hurt and a lot angry...had to take a step back cause it wasn't about how i parented but how they felt the need to bond with the other parent and that is natural...i am still feeling the affects of them leaving my home while the other parent is dealing with adolescent adventures....and calling me for advice(which i was never given while they were with me)All i need to say to the other parent is now you want to co-parent?Parenting is the hardest most rewarding jobs on this earth...i just pray that my children will appreciate everything i have done for them....

Laura - posted on 07/10/2012

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Oh I feel so sorry for you and can see how this could happen. I am going through heartbreak as well. My daughter is 15 and it seems like she is a stranger to me. My husband and I are at odds and the marriage is tough. He can do no wrong it seems in her eyes. It tears me apart. She is a lot like him and not talking to me very nicely at all. I gave everything for my kids and now I too feel betrayed. What I try to do everyday is work on what I need to be happy. I cannot control those around me. It is so difficult. I think the girls try to pull away from us at this age and it is normal. The secretly watch us and do want to be like us but they are afraid. Hang in there and message me back. I need help to through this crappy time. Only other woamn understand.

Tash - posted on 07/09/2012

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I thak all you ladies for your commentsm Kimberly for your post. I am a 30 yr old mother battling with my 17 yr old. Who is now at her fathers. Reading this makes me feel sooo much better.

Thank you all wonderful mothers.

Tink - posted on 07/09/2012

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My 16yr old decided that he wanted to live with his dad more often as well. Saturday night, he arrived at my house after coming home from a beach trip/family vacation/wedding and told me he had decided that my house was too negative and he wanted to spend less time staying at my house. His dad started dating a family friend of ours 3 months ago and decided to get married weeks later and the wedding was included in the extended family beach vacation last week. Our divorce was final July 1, 2011. This is my ex's 2nd serious relationship this year. The first woman, another family friend and my 13 yr old son's best friends mother, moved in last September and the relationship ended mid January and she and her son moved out. I've asked what is so negative at my house and he has stated he doesn't feel he has a voice in my house. He feels that his opinion doesn't count. The new wife has a very attractive 16 year old daughter and a 13 year old son. The 16 year old daughter has been "interested" in my son in the past and my son was also interested in her, but they never moved to the point of dating. After my son telling me that he wanted to come to my house less due to it being negative, he then stated that he wanted to be on the same visitation schedule as the new step-sister and step-brother. I asked why? His response was that he enjoyed the kids at his dad's house when they were there and didn't want to miss the time with them. (In kids terms, it's fun over there, everyone is so happy due to the wedding and new relationships). I have spoke with family members that were on the vacation/wedding trip and they did notice some boyfriend/girlfriend flirting behavior but nothing inappropriate that they knew of. In my house, I expect my children to get up at a reasonable hour, have chores, be accountable and abide by the rules. I am not sure what is going on over at their fathers house. I have heard about a lot of tv movies and laying around on the sofa. My ex has stated he gives them things to accomplish, but the only thing I am aware of is mowing the lawn. I have had to push/nag my son to get a job this summer so he can learn to be responsible and not just "lay around" all day. He tends to drag his feet on everything I ask, which is normal teenage behavior, however, I am very concerned about the possible relationship that is starting. The teens will be home alone very often during the summer and I don't think any supervision will happen during this time. I am devestated he no longer wants to be with me. However, I have stated that he cannot come and go as he pleases and if he would like to live there and feels my home is too negative he must live there "full time". He doesn't get to choose where and when he wants to spend time with me so it's convenient for him. I told his father that for the next 3 months he needs to stay fully with his dad and then we can revisit this decision. I want my son with me ALL the time but that's not possible due to the divorce and his father and I love him equally, and I have told that I love him very much and want him to be happy, the divorce stated he would be with each of us every other week and that has worked till now. Now that the new step-sister has moved in , he wants to spend more time with her. I refuse to be a door mat and convenient for him. At 16 he needs to make his choices and start living with the consequences. His dad has nothing to say about this to me and is in newlywed bliss and doesn't see that this new arrangement he has let into his home may cause a terrible storm in our family. As all of the rest of you do, I feel very lost, devestated and helpless.

Jeanie - posted on 07/08/2012

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My heart goes out to you! I am a single mother of four; 3 boys and 1 girl. My daughter is the youngest and 16. I have been a single mom even when their dad and I were together, but we have been apart for 8 years. My daughter has a few times used the DAD card, but I would say mainly because she felt hurt by a situation here at home or due to an argument or disagreement between the 2 of us. I would just say that she probably only went because she wanted a change or thinks rules and expectations there wiltttl be different or easier than what they were with you. My suggestion is to try to find a positive in this choice; for you primarily but also for her (which may only be that she can say you gave her and dad the chance to try). For you I would try finding things to fill the emptiness. let her know you are hurt and listen to her response, but then dont let her see that it is keeping you from being complete if that makes since. My older 2 have left the nest so I know how hard it is to go from being that "hands on" mom to the mom they call when they need advice, food, or money....but it is a good feeling when they instinctively come back to you for that needed/wanted support. It is a very rewarding feeling. Let it take its course I guess is my thought on your situation. As hard as it is not to, try not to take it personally. Be supportive of her choice but let her know that she cant flip flop that her choice may have a timeframe that is attached. That may have a way of you still having some say or input, control for lack of a better word. I hope this works out for you both! My best wishes!! :)

Linda - posted on 07/04/2012

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I am sorry you are feeling so much pain. I recently went through the same feelings with my 17 year old and 11 years ago with my oldest daughter. I raised my oldest daughter alone and as a teen all she could focus on was the father that abandoned her. It hurts but seems to be human nature to take for granted the person there for you and focus on the one that isn't. At 18 she went to live with him for a few months and had enough and came back. There is no happy safisfaction to this for me. She found out I was right but that didn't repair the hole he left in her gut. Girls need their father's love and support as much as their mother's and when we are divorced and do not put our differences behind for the sake of the kids there is no other way of spending time with them as a family without leaving the other parent I think it is easy for the parent who is not the main support to think they can do it better and the kid to think life is better with a free spirited parent until they are in your shoes. It seldom works out well and they come back. But as a teen you can tell them little that they will accept without finding out for themselves. Get support and help for yourself. You deserve it. Stay supportive for your daughter, pray, and take this time for yourself. Easier said than done. But I lived for my girls and when both we're gone which neither situation was a good departure I was devasated, and lost. I felt as if I was a failure as a mom and disappointed. Turns out I am not done and never will be. They leave mad and go to do what is not acceptable in my home and learn for themselves I was tough because I loved them. I choose to support thim when they are helping themselves out of situations they have created for themselves and stay out of it when they are doing their "thing". In time I looked around for things to do with myself and enjoy the freedom and serenity in my home. I can't believe I have come to the point that I want a relationship with them but not necessarily want them to live with me anymore. They are over 18 and I don't have to live in chaos anymore and can put my head down and night and know I did what I could to raise them when they were children. They were raised well and now need to choose for themselves what they use and what they do with their lives. This will get better in time, really.

Gail - posted on 07/02/2012

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You had to move to SD to get away from an abusive husband? Did your daughter live with you and this same abusive husband? If so, you can't possibly blame her for removing herself from the situation...if it was bad enough that you had to move out of state you should probably be happy that she is in a safe place while you work on getting your life together. Take care of you right now...the rest will fall into place.

Richard - posted on 06/22/2012

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I am a dad...but have to be a mom too. Hope it's ok to be on here. It's OK to feel hurt...I would too. It sometimes feels like our kids forget all we have gone through to keep them safe and happy. Its hard to let go...but thats what you need to do. She will come back especially if you support her decision...which will be hard

Gail - posted on 06/21/2012

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How true is that Christina? My oldest (now 22) is suddenly my friend. We are unbreakably close. When she was two I divorced her father who immediately asked me to split time with our daughter 50/50. My initial reaction was "no, how can I possibly go a week without seeing her" but then realized I was asking him to do the EXACT same thing. Just because he didn't make a good husband for me doesn't mean he isn't a GREAT father. He is.

Christina - posted on 06/21/2012

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This is not a contest between parents. Why are some mom's so selfish or feel betrayed because their child wants to be part of their own family (father). Sit back and let your child explore who she is. This sounds like it's more about you being lonely, alone and hurt. Is he abusive? If he was good enough to have a child with then he should be good enough to parent with. Love her, support her and enjoy the time you have together. In the end, her friends and social life will become between your relationship. Only until they mature and hit their twenties do they really appreciate their parents.

Gail - posted on 06/21/2012

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I've experienced this on the opposite side of the spectrum. My step daughter moved in with us 5 years ago when she was 13. Her mom lives in another state. While this certainly bothered her mom, she did allow my daughter to make the decision. This has turned out to be an amazing thing for her and her education as she has excelled. She graduated High School last month and her mom flew in from out of state and actually stayed in our home for a week to attend graduation and the other festivities. This doesn't have to be a bad thing. Support her decision. If it's a bad decision, it's not one that can't be undone. If it's a good decision, then nothing else needs to be said. Please try not to feel hurt. This is not something she is doing to you.

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