16 year old leaves to go live with her dad, where did I go wrong? I gave everything I could. I feel LOST.

Kimberley - posted on 08/08/2011 ( 250 moms have responded )

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She recently decided to go live with her dad. I am torn apart about this. I feel screwed over. I am angry about it. I feel lonely, alone, and hurt to say the least. Anyone else deal with this situation? She is 16 years old. I know her dad has been pressuring her because she told me so. I AM HURT! Any feedback is appreciated. Thanks

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Keri - posted on 06/20/2012

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I had the same thing happen last week, My 18.5 yr old moved out w/ her dad (we're divorcing) and didn't say goodbye, no note, nada...

I was on vacation w/ my parents and came home to a ransacked house, and only $500 in our joint checking account, and threats on my phone that the bills/mortgage were NOT going to be paid. I didn't realize the moving out part until after I went to the courthouse to file temp orders....

They even abandoned our 3 yr old dog for an unknown amount of days.

All I can say (and hope for myself) is that you have patience, and that they will come back in time after seeing how the other side lives. i.e...dad, and they realize what a good thing they had.

Yes, I realize this post is almost 1 yr ago, I hope your situation is better, not worse.

Cindy - posted on 06/19/2012

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its mabe because she miss him or somthing don't worry she will come back shes gunna see the diffrents

BARBARA - posted on 06/15/2012

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how hard is it that you have raised them beause there loser mother an father do not want anything to do with them and now they are at a concert together with there mother who gave away 2 more kids. They are now16 and 17 it sucks that they think I owe them everything but there mother is god

Alena - posted on 06/15/2012

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My daughter came back after 9 months and she felt her dad betrayed her because he asked another woman to marry him and they married only 9 months after my divorce. It is hard to have a child want to live with the other parent or even when they are grown to find out one hates you because of lies the father tells her but the right thing to do (learned from experience) is to love them anyway, spend quality time with them anyway, support their choices and show a good example. Trust that you are a good mother and hope and pray it all works out in the end. I know this doesnt help the pain you feel ( I felt it) and still feel it since one of my girls now is grown and doesnt want anything to do with me???

Heather - posted on 06/02/2012

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Sometimes kids just need to try a new situation. My parents were separated when I was growing up. Luckily for me they remained friends. There were plenty of times when I would get upset and I would want to go live with my dad. I never actually did go live with him because his living situation wasn't as family friendly as my mom's. I would try not to take it personally and let her explore life and try a new situation. That's how we learn through life by trying different things. She still loves you and you're always her mom. Maybe when she's older she'll be able to explain better what was going on with her at this time in her life. Be there for her and let her know she can come back anytime.

Celeste - posted on 05/31/2012

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My prayers are with you. I have never been in your situation so I can't say I understand completely. But I do know that being a teenager now a days is harder than when we were kids. Maybe your daughter feels more secure in having you angry with her than having her father angry with her. Sometimes our kids act the worst with those they are the closest to because the know that no matter what they won't loose our love. Although it hurts try not to take it as a personal attack on you as her mother but just as a struggle that she is going through. Be there to support her and let her know you love her. Also, see if there is maybe a single parent support group out there. Hope this helped. :)

Sandra - posted on 05/31/2012

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It could be she is at a stage or in a frame of mind where whichever parent she lived with the would now be picking the other. Just that she did this should not cause you to reflect negatively on your own parenting job.

C - posted on 05/31/2012

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Kimberley,

I am sorry about what happened. I had the same thing happen to me with my daughter that is 13. Girls are always closer with their fathers in most cases no matter how hard we try they still turn to their fathers. My daughter moved back with me and things are okay, but she is very rebellious when she is in trouble or cannot have what she wants when she wants it and threatens about her father. Teens are ugh a tough handle. My daughter likes to play games when she is mad at me she goes to her dad an when she is mad at him she comes to me. She likes to play me and him against one another.
It is nothing that you are doing wrong so do not let anyone tell you that. I still deal with this and hopefully it will get better and they will realize.
Keep strong and just stick by her side no matter what.

Margo - posted on 05/26/2012

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Anandasha, you are not alone, my heart breaks every time I hear of this happening. It seems no one can really understand unless they have lived through it. Love, hugs and prayers to you.

Anandasha - posted on 05/26/2012

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Dear all,
I thought I was all alone in this. Could not understand what was happening. First my 12 year old son left to stay with his father we had had to leave because of severe domestic abuse and now my 15 year old daughter has left. The children are being pressured by their father and also promised the sun and the moon. No boundaries, freedom and money. No insight from professionals and no psychological help allowed in for the children who are deemed at risk due to self harm and risk taking behaviour. I am heartbroken. All they wanted was to get away and now they are back with him blaming me for ever having children with him and for not leaving earlier. My son thinks I am bad as I choose not coming back. He also believes all his father tells him about me which is all bad. I am starting to understand now from hearing from you all that this seems to be quite common. I feel for you all and my heart goes out to you and your children. At the end of the day it is the children who suffer and time is passing. We will never get that lost time back and all we can do is hope and fight to see our children safe even if it's from afar.

Luvmia - posted on 03/31/2012

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I have cried so much about my situation with my kid and also being on my own and dealing with life that way, that now I am numb in side. I finally have gotten to the point that I no longer care and cannot care about what he and the other side do because it's going to hinder me mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. I just let go and let God deal with this because it seems like no matter what you do as a mother, you are always going to be the bad guy. So you are pretty much damned if you do and damned if you don't. Sigh. I will continue to live my life and do some of the things I never got the chance to do and always wanted to do.

Julia - posted on 03/27/2012

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My daughters went to live with their dad when they were 12 and 14 because he said it would be funner over there and they would have more freedom. They went over there and have regretted the decision, but I had them stay over there so they would not run back and forth when things were not going their way. My youngest who is 16 wants to come back home because dad is never there and he wanted them to take care of his allying mom so he can go on dates and live with his girlfriend. I feel bad that they had to go over there to get to know their dad and found out that it was all about the money for him. I miss my daughters every day. My oldest is graduating from high school in two months. Good luck it will get better and she will know the sacrifices you have made for her.

Terrie - posted on 03/26/2012

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I am so sorry for your loss, and this is exactly what it is a loss. I have a son who is 18 who went to live with his aunt last year and now our relationship is NOTHING like it used to be. She is the fun one, and all that jazz, and now I am the bad guy. I miss the way we used to be. I am sorry, all you can do is keep being a good mom and know that eventually they come back to you whole heartedly.

Kirsty - posted on 03/25/2012

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Kimberley my daughter did the same when she was nearly 16 thinking that her dads would be better because I had rules and expectations. Her dad was "cool" and let her set her own boundries and rules which I was angry about knowing she was still needing guidance. In the end she decided she needed her mum and came back home to live after about a year and a half. There is nothing that can replace a girls mum. We are so close and love spending time together now. Dont be angry or blame yourself, she is probably just going to test the water. dont hold it against her and try to get her to meet you to go out together or just over for dinner. most of all dont rubbish her dad over it, it will just push her away. Good luck

Kellie - posted on 03/24/2012

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What the hell is wrong with these kids? they are all selfish brats. Mine included even though I love her to pieces. She is only 17 and thinks she is the WOMAN!

Kellie - posted on 03/24/2012

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Hi there, I have gone through this kind of thing twice. My eldest daughter who is almost 19 went a year ago and I felt so torn up. She is back and we are veryt close. My youngest went about 6 months ago and it was equally hard. Each of my kids are very different and their issues are so different. I felt royally screwed because I did give up a lot to be there for them both. Now, I am taking things one step at a time and never did I blame myself. It's just hard when the mommy role is gone.

Connie - posted on 03/20/2012

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2 years ago my 14 and 12 year old girls went to live with their dad... u r not alone. i would like to message u but do not wish to post my heartache here.

Pat - posted on 03/17/2012

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wow this is me,omg its scarey,do they all do this? because i have 2 more that just turned teenagers,omg scarey scarey..im here for you hun ;(

Pat - posted on 03/17/2012

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hi ;( im so sorry,my 16 year old left me too ,but not to go with her dad,which would have been better i think,anyways,she left home and never looked back and i still dont know why,so yes i know how your feeling,i have 2 younger kids,so unless you have others,i know its gotta be much harder for you,if you ever need to just chat,im here for you...my daughter is now almost 20,we dont even talk to eachother,so my advise for you,if you dont mind is,to just let her be,she will come back,i know it,my problem was that i tried too hard to get her to come back and it pushed her away even more,i miss her so much,its killing me,so yah,i understand ,please text me anytime ok? ,my name is patty...good luck hun ;) my email is pattyperry6711@gmail.com

Luvmia - posted on 03/17/2012

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Oh Kimberly. You have my empathy in reference to your circumstances. Have you contacted the department of social services to help you find a place to live? You can also contact United Way.org or First Call for Help? I understand about being homeless because I was homeless since I had to live with people when I had some falls not too long ago. And I had these falls because I was trying to make a better life for myself and my son. But of course it was not appreciated because my son wanted so desperately to live with his father whom rarely called to check up on him. So I got angry and hurt and started crying and got depressed. To make matters worse my son whom is 12 years old decided he would not call me to let me know where he was and one day he went over his grandmother's house and did not tell me. And then I became angry and packed his sh**, sent some of it with him to his grandmother's on his father's side house. Before I did this, I had numerous conversations with my son and to no avail he does not give a fuck about my feelings or what his father and his side of the family are doing by turning him against me (yes, I know what they have been doing because my son comes back different. and i know things have been said about me because my son was quiet when I told him that I knew from his father telling me things our son has said and of course other things I noticed as well) and he did hateful, vicious and even disgusting things while living with me. I am so tired. I am so alone since I come from a family that isn't worth a damn and could care less about me including my mother.



It has been two weeks now and I am making peace with the situation and my decision. At first, I was really grieving (i.e. crying, wondering why I am being treated like a rag someone wipes their ass own, trying to figure out why I can't have at least my child choose me over everyone else because I thought when I had him that I finally had someone whom would love me and value me for once in my life, and the list goes on and on). I guess women are disposable because one way or another we get used, abused, taken for granted and once we are no longer needed, we get thrown out with the trash.



So in a nutshell I understand where you are coming from and if you need someone to talk to please do not hesitate to send me a message. But please do not give up. This set back in your life is just a temporary one. And if you believe in God, please pray for his help. Take care, my sister.

Kimberley - posted on 03/17/2012

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Hi, yes our lives are the same. She continues to tear my heart out now that i HAD to move to SD to get away from an abusive husband. She is with her father and does NOT give a dam about me and how I am homeless now............ I gave EVERY SINGLE THING to her and now I have NOTHING! I'm sorry but I am so upset today how she treats me like I am a mental case or something. I'M NOT! I only want her to care. She doesn't. IT hurts big time. I am alone! I feel it. I hurt.........

Cathy - posted on 03/04/2012

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Can I be your alls friends too!!! Let's connect either on here or face book. I'm Cathy Stapp in Goshen KY...my pic is of me and my girls in case there are more Cathy Stapps on there than me :) I'd love to have some friends that are actually in my shoes and not just ones that went to high school with me!!!! Hope to get some requests

Cathy - posted on 03/04/2012

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Kimberley, I wish Kentucky and Iowa were closer...we are in the same boat. Although my daughter hasn't made the move, her father has been bugging her for months to come live with him so he can stop paying me support. He doesn't care about the girls, he NEVER has asked about their feelings, life, friends, etc. All he wants to know is what I'm doing and how he can make my life miserable. I'm having trouble with my 15 y/o because she is so irresponsible and I just don't get it. I'm like you, I have boundaries, chores, bedtimes, schedules, rules and yet she just blows it all off. My oldest told me that when they would go visit their dad that he waits on them hand and foot, they don't even get up to get their own water if they want one. He says, see I'll do everything for you...I'll make your bed, you won't have to do anything. Then she comes home and I tell her to pick up after herself and I get the eye roll cuz I'm mean. UGH I could go on and on. His only reason for playing father of the year is to make me look bad and he doesn't get that in the process of doing that he is hurting our daughter and making her less responsilbe and therefor, less productive as a human being. Plus she gains no confidence from having to do and earn on her own.



And, can I just end with.....I WOULD *(#**&# if she went out and got a job while living with her rich daddy while I've given every dime I've made and have to my kids...to a point that I'm broke and wondering how I'm going to live while daddy warbucks is flying around the world on vacations and luring my daughter with the money. UGH again.



In the end, the truth always shows and she will grow up and she will see what transpired and probably be very sorry for hurting you. I know everyone says she didn't leave you, but let me tell ya, it sure feels that way when it happens and it makes you feel crazy, hurt, mad, used, unappreciated, etc. I understand. I'm sure after we've wrapped our minds around the situation and everything plays out the way it's going to, we will look back and say "yeh, I could have handled that better", but right now, it just plain sucks and hurts. I'm sorry you have to deal with this, but...and here I go with the advice that I loath hearing myself right now....it's all for the best and things will be fine in time. lol

Sherry - posted on 03/01/2012

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Give it time. I know that is hard but the grass isn't always greener on the other side. The number 1 thing I would do to is make sure she is safe and not able to whatever she wants when she wants. She should still have to be care for as a teenage girl and if it were my daughter i would check up on her as if she was at home.

Cindy - posted on 02/23/2012

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i do feel your pain and anxiety...mine is only twelve and i have raised him alone all his life....his dad has never paid child support, in fact i forgave him of 30 thousand just so he wouldnt go to prison and Josiah would blame me...Josiah puts his dad on a pedastal and he is a real loser....i worry everyday bout him wanting to live with him when he is of age...his dad does drugs and has no job, and his friends are really his enemies...i just keep praying and asking God for guidance..I watch Shepherds Chapel every morning after Josiah goes to school and I am amazed at how my questions and worries are answered even tho I havent asked aloud!...God Bless!...if ya need an ear I am always around!

Deanna - posted on 02/23/2012

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Very familiar!! I feel your pain! My daughter is also 16, and went to live with her dad a cpl months ago! Never in a million yrs. did I see that coming!! To make it even worse, he has been a 'deadbeat' parent her whole life... and very emotionally abusive to her, and unreliable. She left after she and I got into an arguement... It broke my heart! Too make a long story short... because I have to get going, they got into a huge arguement and she had to come home... I was not shocked, but wish she came back under better circumstances. My story gets worse.... if you would like to chat, feel free to contact me on FB... Dee Vandyke...just let me know who you are!! :)

Sonia - posted on 02/14/2012

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I am so sorry Kimberley your going through this. My friend went through this a couple of years ago and the only reason her daughter went to go live with her dad was so she could do whatever she wanted. What my friend did was call her just to chat and didn't try to beg her to come back and eventually (about 11 months) she came back.

Just keep being there for her and she will realize there is nothing like a mothers love.

Ella - posted on 02/10/2012

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If you will go on with your life, total ignore what she's dong and dont react when u are around her, show her you can handle it, she will come back.....dont get caught up in the games, kids in divorced situations often end up learning how to manipulate really well....I know it's painful, distract yourself with busy, do some things you've always wanted to but couldnt because you were parenting.....good luck....ella

Lorri - posted on 02/03/2012

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Hi Kimberly! I hate to hear that you are going through this. Of course you are angry, hurt, and feel lonely. If you didn't you wouldn't be a good mother. Chances are that since her father has pressured her into moving in with him, it is only going to be a matter of time before she will decide to move back home with you. And it is going to be tough for a long time, but she will come back to you.

I wish you and your daughter all the best!!

Adrienne - posted on 02/03/2012

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I havent seen my son for 6 months before christmas but i saw him for awhile on sunday. now i dont f'en care. thats what my mom says.

Margaret - posted on 01/31/2012

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I'm so sorry to hear that -- it gets better though. Mothers and daughters have a close relationship... and at the same time a complex one. My mom and I went through our ups and downs... and distance actually made us closer. Best of luck! She'll be back with you in no time.

Megan - posted on 01/31/2012

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Honestly it really doesn't have anything to do with you. My mom was married to my older sibs dad before she married my dad. My brother went to live with his dad when i was about 3 and it was mainly because his dad spoiled him and let him do whatever he wanted. It was the same case when my older sister moved out at 17. She got tired of the rules and thought she'd do better at her dads, she ended up coming back. Your daughter just wants to assert her independence from you a little early and see what things are like on the other side. Chances are she'll come back sooner if you don't force the issue. Like I said with my sister it was more her doing it to rebel and after my mom stopped forcing the issue she came back. Good luck.

Melanie - posted on 01/31/2012

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Hi, my son is living with his grandad (step) on his dads side...I wasnt consulted about it and it was all decided between themselves. He is 16 so there is nothing I could do about it. I have not seen him now for about two weeks, after he hurled a torrent of abuse on skype to me and said he didnt consider me his mother anymore and that I was 'nothing'.

I was obviously very upset and it hurt as I have done nothing wrong so have had to let things take their own course. It is hard, as I brought him up alone, and feel that I have been totally disregarded, by him and by his grandfather who allowed it to happen and is making sure he does everything he can, including buying him v expensive gifts that I couldnt possibly compete with.



So yes it is hard, but sometimes we have little or no control over things in life, and me beating myself up is not going to change anything.Although I still do it, and at times get very low. Just wanted to add my take on things.

Becky - posted on 01/31/2012

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Kimberly, I am going to give you the perspective that I had when I was her age. My dad was always trying to get me and my sisters to come live with him. My mom and I had a great relationship, but when ever I did not like something I would threaten to go to my dads. Well that time came and I went to live with my dad. I later found out that it was a mistake on my part. But being a teenager I had to learn the hard way. I thought I knew what was best for me. I knew everything. I think every child goes through this. I pray she finds her way with out too much trouble.

[deleted account]

I've got nothing but hugs for you. Our kids (whose mom lives 2hrs away) never wanted to go live with her and actually don't have much to do with her now.



On the other hand, my mom's best friend had a son who decided at 16 to go live with his dad. She was devastated, especially because it had been the two of them for so long, and his dad was the type who would promise and not deliver throughout his childhood. With a little patience, and making sure that he understood that no matter what happened he could always change his mind, she was delighted to find out that 6 months into this 'experiment' he in fact did want to move back home. Dad was unreliable, he was fickle and dad wanted to continue to live the independant life he'd gotten used to.

Bobbi - posted on 01/22/2012

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I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU E FEELING, MY 17 YEAR SOON TO BE 18 WENT TO LIVE WITH HER GRANDPARENTS, I AM MIXED WITH SO MANY DIFFERENT EMOTIONS, I THOUGH I DID SOMETHING WRONG, BUT I REALIZE I DIDN'T SHE IS NOW MISERABLE AND WANTS TO COME HOME, I WAS RAISED TO BELIEVE THAT YOU LIVE AND EXCEPT YOUR CHOICES AND DEAL WITH CONSEQUENCES, I MISS HER TERRIBLY SHE WILL BE 18 IN 4 DAYS. I TOO FEEL HER GRANDPARENTS HAVE BEEN WANTING THIS FOR A LONG TIME THEY TOLD ME, AND NOW THEY CAN'T DO IT. I ASKED HER WHY SHE DECIDED THIS AND SHE REPLIED I NEEDED A CHANGE AND NEEDED TO FEEL OUT HER OPTIONS. I TOO AM HURT HANG HERE! I KNOW SHE WILL COME AROUND.

Kimberley - posted on 01/20/2012

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You are not alone! I'm here for you all as well. Take care. I understand the heart break believe me

Kimberley - posted on 01/20/2012

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Thank you everyone who posted and shared their advice and or stories. I appreciate you m♥m's.

Rosemary - posted on 01/19/2012

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Don't blame your self. It is said that out of sight makes the heart to grow fonder. she feels she is missing something without her dad. Let her have a feel of what living with her father means, she will come running back to you in no distance future. Just open your arm and receive her back. She will in fact confide in you that dad is not it.

Jenny - posted on 01/15/2012

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The only thing you can do in this situation is to continue to love your child. It's really difficult to accept and feels like a slap in the face, but if you continue to love them and not pressurise them, they will reconnect with you later. It's all about growing up and spreading their wings. Try not to take it personally.

Julie W. - posted on 12/29/2011

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My daughter is 16 and favors her dad as well. He has never been as involved with her activities, homework, social calendar and birthday parties as I have through the years but she just adores him and her voice softens when she sees him, she reaches out to give him warm hugs and the shell of a daughter I get to see daily softens when she's with her dad. I feel your pain as I go through it all the time since her dad and I divorced.
My friends tell me how horrible they were to their mothers as teens and they also tell me that she's nicer to her dad because she doesn't live with him. But now that your daughter decided to move in with him -- he convinced her probably so he won't have to pay child support as my ex thinks it's only about money. Wait and see who she warms up to. She will miss you. You are her mother, the same sex as her and she will need you as she matures. She will need her mother's advice.
My daughter is going through a lot of stuff and no matter how I try reaching out to her, she has a wall that I can't penetrate and that's what hurts me the most. I know she will want to move in with her dad when she's 18 because he has no rules and treats her like a boy, makes her fend for herself. Maybe then she will realize how good she had it here.
If you want to vent or talk, I'll listen because I know what you're going through. I pray our daughters do grow closer to us after the teen years, as most of my friends with girls say they eventually will.

Margo - posted on 12/27/2011

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There is a saying “Time heals all wounds”, not true in this case, time just creates numbness. While it still hurts you learn to protect yourself from the horrible pain of the rejection by your child. Four years later my daughter does talk to me at times, but you never get back the child you lost. It is very hard to put into words. Stay strong; try to find something each day to make you smile. As silly as it sounds my little dog Rosie has been a very good listener, she doesn’t judge, she just gives kisses. I’ll say a prayer for you all.

Ginger - posted on 12/27/2011

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mt bf is going through a similar situation she shares custody and they have a set schedule. her daughter for some reason the past 3 weeks or so has not wanted much to do with her she was supposed to be there at her home for xmas morning and her daughter stayed at her dads . my friend has done nothing wrong. she misses her daughter and is hurt because she wont visit or talk...you are not alone and we understand your feeling hurt and angry and lost . my friends husband remarried and his new wife has ALOT to do with her daughters new attitude..

[deleted account]

The only place you went wrong was having her 16 years ago. If you had had her 8 years ago she wouldn't be at this stage yet and if you had had her 30 years ago this would just be a bad memory. I had a very wise woman tell me once that nothing can hurt you like a teenage daughter and she was right. Sometimes they can keep hurting you for another 10 years or so. There is no pain like the betrayal of a daughter. You answered your own question - you gave everything you could. My advice is to stay away from Hallmark Channel movies for awhile. Let your heart heal and let her wise up. Dad can never replace you. I know you can't replace the lost time and wishful fantasy of prom dress shopping, chick flicks on Saturday afternoon, comforting her when a boyfriend turns out to be a jerk, etc. I missed all that too, but God promises to restore what the locusts have eaten. Involve yourself in a hobby, a women's group, your church, politics. Make yourself busy so you and she and her dad realize the hole she made in your heart did not create a hole in your life. Good luck to you, sweetie. Here's a hug. :)

Luvmia - posted on 12/23/2011

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Grainne, I am so happy that you finally got your peace back. My son has also told lies on me to the point that the faculty at the private school he attended were strongly considering calling child protective services on me. I would have lost everything including my license I worked so hard for. And of course, he knew right from wrong.

I wanted to believe that my son was not like his father. But over the years I realized that he is in many ways a lot like his father - a liar and always playing the victim! No matter what I say or do, he is constantly causing problems at school and at home. I had to delete his facebook page because of some things he said to his father which gave his father the amunition he needed to file court papers against me.

I hope things work out for you and I hope that you seriously consider keeping your distance from your daughter and your ex. Truth be told, some people are poison and they are not going to be anything else.

Luvmia - posted on 12/23/2011

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I understand how you feel. no matter what you do as a mother, the children always find fault and/or choose to live with the father. After all you sacrifice to make sure they have a better life than what you had, they throw it in your face. It is devastating to say the least.



My son wants to live with his father.I feel used, abused, betrayed and have felt angry as well. I feel like my son's father always wins. And it is not fair that I put in all this hard work while his father (whom did not want him in the first place because he told me he thought I would get an abortion.) gets to be the hero whenever he does decide to spend time with him.



I thought that when I had a child, that finally I had someone whom would choose me first. But I was wrong. I had to realize that it is me that has to choose me first.



After the years of heartache and drama, I have come to a point that I am at peace with it and I hope that you find peace with your situation as well. Sigh. The life of a mother. I never thought I would find myself alone once again. But I and you and all the other women going through this, will get through it.

Melanie - posted on 12/22/2011

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@Tina my son has done the same...went to his grandfathers for a few weeks to get some space and now doesnt want to come back! His reason was i 'nag too much'??? couldnt give me much more than that....he so so volatile atm that if i say the wrong thing he gets up and walks off so for now i just want to have some contact and communication rather than none at all. I do understand as I know he gets spoilt there too, always has by that side of the family. just wanted to let u know youre not alone! x

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