16 year old leaves to go live with her dad, where did I go wrong? I gave everything I could. I feel LOST.

Kimberley - posted on 08/08/2011 ( 250 moms have responded )

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She recently decided to go live with her dad. I am torn apart about this. I feel screwed over. I am angry about it. I feel lonely, alone, and hurt to say the least. Anyone else deal with this situation? She is 16 years old. I know her dad has been pressuring her because she told me so. I AM HURT! Any feedback is appreciated. Thanks

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Dear Kimberley, my story is very similiar to yours and I would like to share it with you



I am a divorced mother of four children, my oldest is also 16. It has been a constant battle since she turned 14. I feel I've neglected my other three children trying to help my oldest find happiness and steer her in the right direction but I did not succeed. She abused me both physically and verbally frequently over two years. I have lost sleep, cried bitter tears and worried constantly about her. She has lied, manipulated, coerced, stolen, been in trouble with the police, got drunk, had underage sex, failed her exams at school, constantly in trouble at school and constantly wanted her own way. She refused to accept my rules, the consequences of bad behaviour both at home and at school. In a nutshell, she literally was a law onto herself and would go to any means to get what she wanted. She wore me down completely.



I cried out for help. Her father refused to help me stating it was me that was the 'problem' and not my 16 daughter and that was in-spite of the fact that her school teachers were also telling both myself and her father that there was serious issues with her that needed to be addressed. She refused to attend counselling and Youthreach services. Her father refused to encourage her to seek professional help again stating that the 'problem' was all in my head.



I put her on the pill at 14 after I discovered that she was sexually active. When she turned 16, she knew she could attend her local GP without my consent or presence and any time after that, she refused to have me present with her when she did need to go to her GP. I continued to collect her pill every month but I suspected that she was not taking it and planning on getting pregnant. Last March she came to me complaining of frequently urinating, and I asked her was there a possibility that she might be pregnant and she replied, yes. I made her take a pregnancy test the same day and the result was negative. I cried with the sheer thought that I had given my daughter a pregnancy test but I was glad that the result was negative. She also cried for hours but I suspected it was for a different reason, I believe she was disappointed at not been pregnant.



Some weeks later there was another major argument and I had to lock myself into my bedroom in order to get away from her and her badgering and pushing me around. I was unable to look after my other three children and I had to call the police. The police managed to calm her down and restore order in the house. The next day, she decided to move out and live with her dad. To be honest, I was relived, I felt peace would be restored in the home and I looked forward to given some quality time to my other three children. I tried to keep the lines of communication open with my 16 year old by phoning and texting but she would not respond. She kept away from me completely for about 8 weeks. I did not push the situation feeling maybe we both needed some space and that she would come around eventually and that I would be there for her when she did. When I finally did receive a text from her, guess what, it was to inform me that she was pregnant. Was I surprised, no, do I believe she planned it, absolutely, however she wont admit that today, how did I react, I wailed and wailed with a broken heart for days.



I know within my heart and my soul that I did everything within my power to prevent my daughter from getting pregnant. She could not have any doubt about the fact that I would be extremely devastated with such news.



I tried to get her to terminate the pregnancy but she was determined to have it. The baby is due in three weeks. She continues to live with her Dad.



When I knew for sure that she was determined to have the baby, I moved away. She is very angry about this and has spoken very badly of me to my family members, friends and neighbours. She has gained alot of support on the basis of 'the poor girl, she was abandoned by her mother in her hour of need'. I have lost friends. But I know that I had to move in order to protect myself and my other three children.

Anita - posted on 12/22/2011

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IL isn't that lenient. Even though my daughter is miserabe and her dad only allows her to come home and babysit her brother. She has told her child representative she wants to come back and live with me, but the child rep says I'm too poor and it would damage her success in college to transfer schools as a Junior in HS. The judge agreed. IL has gotten away from the bes tinterest of the child and their happiness and has become all for who has the money.

Alena - posted on 12/21/2011

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Anita, that isnt entirely true. My oldest wanted to live with her dad at the age of 13 when I divorced and we shared joint Legal custody and when she came back home 9 months later yes, I had to chage court documents to regain physical custody but the decisions have to be IN THE BEST interest of the child. We dont have to always like it and it could cost money and take time but I got her back to have him marry her off at 17.

Alena - posted on 12/21/2011

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It is one of the hardest things to endure but you love enough to set them free and they will come back to you. Support her and always be positive when talking about your ex. Otherwise, it could bite you in the buttox in the end. They need to be empowered to make adult choices even when we as moms dont want to let go and let them grow up. Love her and support her all you can and this will get better. It will be hard and different but there is nothing you did WRONG. Know that you probably did the best you could with what you have and made mistakes along the way but YOU will always be her MOM and one day she will need you and all you can do is be there!

Tina108 - posted on 12/19/2011

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My daughter is 14 and has been living with her dad for 4 weeks now, we wernt getting on so she went just for a few weeks and now her dads side of her family are spoiling her rotten with gifts and promises and now wont come back to me. yes i am hurt! angry, frustrated and feel like ive been robbed of my daughter.

Marla - posted on 12/17/2011

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It probably isn't you at all. I don't know the background but I did the same thing at 15. My Mom had barely had anything to do with me growing up and therefore I had her on a pedestal. All I knew of her were FUN times and my Dad had to be disciplinarian. It didn't take long to figure out my Mom was a nut job but it took me about 3 years to break away from her because I felt some weird sense of loyalty to her. The only thing my Dad did wrong was discipline me and try to send me down the right path. My 16 year old informed me a few days ago (in a big temper tantrum) that he wants to go live with his Dad. Here is the kicker.... His Dad met him 3 times and was never heard from again but lives in the same town and 2 blocks from my sons school. I know in my mind he doesn't want to live with his Dad but wants to escape my rules and discipline but my heart is breaking. I don't know wether it is good or bad but obviously he would never get an opportunity to live with his but sometimes I have to fight the urge to drop him on Daddy's door step. Gues my Dad was right it all comes back around eventually.

Kathy - posted on 12/16/2011

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MOMS , DADS, I AM A 14 YEAR OLD MALE , I KNOW I AM IMPERSENATING A WOMEN BUT IF U NEED TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT UR CHILDREN ASK ME . I AM 14 I KNOW HOW UR CHILDREN THINK AT THE AGE OF ADOLESCENCE SO FEEL FREE TO ASK AND I'LL TELL U WHAT I THINK , AND I HOPE I'LL BE HELPFUL :) TY

Tiffany - posted on 12/14/2011

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Teenagers are so...irrational. I am 23 with a 2 year old so I don't know what having a teenager is about, but I do remember (like it was yesterday) what being one was like. I can clearly remember making decisions that made NO sense whatsoever today and anything my mom said to protect me I blew off.



Like speeding (20mph+ over) in my car and getting a couple tickets out of doing that too. I was so inconsiderate to the other drivers and SO thankful I didn't hurt/kill anyone too while I was at it.



The way I see it is, teenagers will choose the parent who bribes them the most. Fork over the most money, allow them to drink, allow them to go to parties-basically, no rules.

I can remember my cousins' parents getting a divorce when they were real young. My cousins became of age to make a decision as to who to live with. When they got there I can remember thinking PLEASE stay with my uncle. Unfortunately they went to their moms...Their mom's house was extremely unstable-4+ kids with multiple different dads and all of them squeezed in an extremely small apartment (2 or 3 bedrooms for 8 people!). Her boyfriend&her would let them drive on the road, at the age of 16 (possibly younger), allow them to drink, smoke etc. Obviously they hadn't chosen my uncle because he had rules to protect them and seemed “strict”. Fortunately my younger, of the two, cousin does the usual teenager thing but has brains behind his actions. My other cousin---not so much.



The point of what I’m saying is that when your children grow up they will see how much you loved and cared about them. They will appreciate you more than you know. As I can’t imagine living in separate homes or going to and from different homes (change in general) would be easy, I’m sure it wasn’t easy for your daughter to make this decision either. If you raised her in a loving home, she will come back:)

Erica - posted on 12/14/2011

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Try talking to her about it. Don't get all mad & scream at her. Talk to her like you would another adult. Try to figure out just why she wants to live there so badly, other than the pressuring father. {I was that girl, my dad pushed me to, but i didn't do it} Does he have more money? Sometimes teens think that money = happiness. Or maybe he's more carefree and lets her do her own thing? I still think the best thing to do is talk to her. But DO NOT blame yourself. She's a girl, she'll ALWAYS need her mama, even if she doesn't realize it quite yet.

Gina - posted on 12/08/2011

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I'm really sorry, this sounds like a bum deal. Teenagers suck and are selfish. My advice is to be consistent, still provide a safe place to fall and a place she can rely on. Once the shininess of the situation wears off, she will be back!

Anita - posted on 12/08/2011

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Margo, you are theonly person posting here who is realistic. People don't realize once the courts get involved, your kids aren't coming back.

Margo - posted on 12/08/2011

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I understand the pain you are experiencing. My daughter went to live with her dad when she was 14. I spent her high school years looking through the school website just to find pictures of her. She claims I kicked her out of my house that is not the case. I spent the next 4 years in and out of court trying to get her back but didn’t. The lies her, her dad and third wife told were unbelievable. My lawyer and the kids court appointed guardian agreed the kids were being coached by their dad but at 14 she was told she could do what she wanted. So her dad not only got custody of her but I had to pay him back child support. He told the kids he would always win against me. It was the most hurtful thing I have ever experienced and that was his intent. Others have related the pain to having had a child die but its worse because you can still see them walking around. Now that my kids are older they can see what their dad has done but it’s their dad and they love him no matter what, doesn’t seem to be the case with me. My son is now 16 and he still goes back and forth between homes. Everyday I expect him to say he’s heading to his dads and isn’t coming back because mom bashing never stops at his dads. My heart aches for you, but remember you have only one life to live, get up every morning and find something to enjoy about it no matter how small, I know how hard it is, but you are a loving, caring Mom.

Rebecca - posted on 12/06/2011

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The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, she will find that out the hard way.

Ione - posted on 12/05/2011

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Your words have brought me comfort Jane, thank you. I have felt all alone in this and was so excited to find this community of Mothers sharing similar challenges. My 15 year old son has recently been reunited with his Dad after 2 years. Dad is a abuser who is extremely funny, charming, convincing and manipulative. Add to that mix that he binges on alcohol and crack cocaine and is considered a habitual traffic offender with a DUI. He is highly functioning and very intelligent; no one would ever guess his secrets.

He lures our son with all kinds of promises and undermines my rules regarding homework etc. My fears have become a reality; Dad is undermining my relationship with my son and my son is blind to all of it. Dad keeps a smile on his face and makes nice as he does his dirty work. Now instead of not wanting to see his Dad, my son is now angry towards me and appears to have amnesia regarding the past abuse. On one hand it is truly nice to see him having fun and bonding with his Dad, he really does need him but it has been at the expense of our Mother- Son relationship. I feel certain the bomb is going to drop soon as far as him living with his Dad. Dad enjoys making me the butt of jokes and subtle put downs. My son’s attitude toward me has drastically changed and now disrespects me etc. I have spent so much time and energy in trying to protect him now I am seen as the abuser who kept him from his “loving Daddy”. He now parrots his Dad. Real hard to take. But I will work on not taking this decision personally as you suggest, it rings true.

Lei - posted on 11/26/2011

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Hi Kimberley, I just wanted to check in with you and see how things are going with your daughter. Is she still living with "Dad"? It's been a few months since this first occurred, so I am not sure how things turned out? I hope things are going good and she came back home.

Traci - posted on 11/24/2011

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Kimberly, I am certain you are loving parent who tried hard to be everything to your daughter. Maybe what is the most difficult to see is what your daughter is saying by this action. Sometimes, it is a need for parent or child to have that other experience with the other parent. We now have my husbands 14 yr old who was not in the best situation she could be in with her mother and asked to live with us. She really did not fully comprehend differences until she moved in with us and her mother is like you hurt, angry and telling her to come back. Unfortunately, she throws in lots of harmful words that make this young girl suffer and realize how much she doesn't want to go back, not even to visit. It started out I believe as a need to exert herself in choices she felt were not her own for a long time. Be patient and respect her new choices as difficult as it may seem. Children feel very limited in making their own decisions and while your ex may have pressured her, the truth is it was her own desire to push out as a young adult as well. Keep it in mind when you talk but, don't show upset and anger. It tends to work against you as I have noticed. She loves you but they want to grow up fast and please each parent. Guilt of having to choose is hard as it is.

Jane - posted on 11/24/2011

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teenagers are so hurt full, i understand but all i can say is dont comment on her father time will show your daughter his true colours, I have a situation that is similar regarding a teenager just hang in there no matter how hard it gets you know you have done the best for her x

Heather - posted on 11/21/2011

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She'll come back don't worry, (even tho ur prolly freaking out). It's only a temporary thing. she's 16, maybe she jsut needs a break and dedcided that living with her dad for a bit might be a good thing (I don't know what the situation is but it is her decision.The most you can do is support her and her choice)... I don't know if any of this helps or not..

Heather - posted on 11/21/2011

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She'll come back don't worry, (even tho ur prolly freaking out). It's only a temporary thing. she's 16, maybe she jsut needs a break and dedcided that living with her dad for a bit might be a good thing (I don't know what the situation is but it is her decision.The most you can do is support her and her choice)... I don't know if any of this helps or not..

Elsea - posted on 11/19/2011

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Hi Kimberely, 2 years ago my daughter 14 and son 12 chose to leave and live with their Dad. The age of choice here is 14 and my daughter informed me on her birthday. I was devasted, hurt and angry. I felt used and betrayed. Initially it took some time to reign those feelings in. I hired a lawyer to see if I had any say only to have my ex hire my children their own lawyer. At that point I stepped back. I felt stepping into a court to fight my own children would result in loses all around. I decided at that time to put my hurt aside and take what little time I had with them and make it good. Essentially I became the fun mom Thankfully my ex and I live in the same city so eventually I was given Mondays as my day with them. Its our day to basically hang out. I don't bother with the mundane chores etc we just chill, which now that my daughter is nearly 16 doesn't happen nearly as much cuz friends are more important lol. I continually reassure my children that my love for them hasn't changed. I did tell them how hurt I was by their choice and have not brought it up again. My son wants to come back and live with me but like in your case his Dad buys him which is very appealling to any kid that age. The hardest thing for me to learn was to not take any if their choices personally, a lesson I still have to remind myself when I get pushed to the back time and time again. When I am angry and hurt I vent to my closest friend and release the feeling so when my kids and I are together I focus on loving them. From what I understand you don't get to see your daughter but I would push communication through text and Facebook as much as possible. Show her you love her and are there for her despite her choice. Its hard as parents to remember that even though they are young adults they sometimesthink and behave like little kids lol. My daughter and I are very close now even though we spend little time together. She will text me for advice etc. Try to nurture any relationship you can beacuse she will need a supportive parent to turn to, especially given her dad is not much of a parent. Us moms get the crap deal but if we hold our heads up I believe in the long run our children will see what we did for them. I know to well your anguish, time does help. I hope for all the best for you and your daughter, you will always be her Mom :)

Anita - posted on 11/18/2011

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WOW! This thread is really discouraging to me. You all must live in really lenient states when it comes to custody. The courts let my daughter go, she wants to come back, and THE COURTS WONT LET HER!!! So people, don't mislead Kim and say the kid will come back. Kim pray to all that is sacred that he doesn't get legal custody, you will never get the kid back if that happens.

Darlene - posted on 11/18/2011

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Just give her some time, she will be back. My son did that and the grass is not always greener they soon learn, I know I was devastated. But he is home now and just passed his GED at 17.. Hang in there I know it is hard.

Melissa - posted on 11/15/2011

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My son wanted to go live with his dad just a week ago , he is 15 now . He has teen bipolar and trechatelanimia( PULLS OUT HIS HAIR) he has support which I got for him not his dad , he resantly was in the hospital because of violence tward me and his little brother . We now have DCF in our lives because of him and his bipollar mind . Its been hard and then he got angry and said he wanted to go live with his dad , if I new dad would step up and take these issues on yes I would gladly let him go . Not because I dont love him but because there are days when I just feel like Ive invested everything to help him and I mean everything and he just dont care . He dont want to help himself we can do it for him . But his dad coddles him and now is providing ciggaretts to him , so now when he dont have them he has withdrawls not fun !!! But Im at the point where I wish he would go to his dads even though it may not be the best cause I know I love him and Ive done all I can to help him . So ya its not easy but I love him and will try to keep my head on to help him , But I also know I have another child that is watching these behaviers and I also neeed to think of him too . So catch 22

Anna - posted on 11/15/2011

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My son left to live with is father when he left three years ago. I felt similar to you. I slowly got over the feelings and just did my best to maintain. At the beginning of this last summer Jon came back, now a young man instead of the boy who left. He has been a great help to me as a mom upon his return and we've gotten along great. So I recommend you focus on how great it will be with your child when you get back together. If you want to talk more privately just let me know. If not, I understand.

Laura - posted on 11/12/2011

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I recently moved in with my girlfriend 2 hours away from my daughter's dad and he took me to court to try to gain custody of our children who are 13 and 10. Needless to say he didn't win. My girls have adjusted although this week my 13 year old stated that after 4 months here she is ready to move in with her dad because she doesn't like it here. There are issues with her step siblings which my partner and I are in therapy for. I suggested that she talk to her guidance counselor at school which she did and it helped her alot. I have cried many tears over this so has she. She told me that its not me that she wants to leave but she feels guilty about being so far away from her dad and I showed her how this is wrong when he makes her feel guilty. I will continue to fight to keep my daughters because I can't imagine life without them. But in truth when my parents divorced at 14 I chose to live with my dad too. I think that girls feel closer to their dads, at least I did. Try not to take it too personally and make the best of your time together.

Lori - posted on 11/10/2011

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my 16 year old stayed with his dad when I left after 18 years of a bad marriage. He stayed with the parent that had no rules, boundaries or consequences, 3 run in's with the law later...he moved in with me again!!! Just came to live with me last week after 15 months apart. Give it time, it's not you... it's that dad probably has no spine and gives in to her little tantrums and threats and you don't. Just show understanding and most of all make the best of the times you do spend with her, show her you are there for her as someone she can count on.. not manipulate. She can count on you to do what's right for her ALWAYS. Just keep letting her know that.
I kept second guessing me leaving when I would think to hard about my son not being with me.. but it was the right thing. It gave my son a chance to see everything I did for the family, since I was no longer doing it anymore. Very big eye opener. Hang in there and concentrate first on being a happy you and she will see thing differently sooner or later. Keep reminding her that you WANT her.

Angela - posted on 11/05/2011

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My heart goes out to you. I went through the same thing years ago. My oldest daughter is now 29yrs old but when she was a teenager she also went to live with her dad. At first I was crushed but I quickly put that on the back burner and got to working on our relationship. I called to see how she was doing or if she needed anything. I took care of her important needs. There are somethings Dad's just can't help with and I knew it. I would text her notes to let her know how much I missed her. I tried not to bawl and have tantrums when I seen her although I wanted to. I wanted to scream and tell her I'm the one that has always been there for your every need, loved you, adored you and you just abandon me like I don't count. But I didn't do it. :D I wanted her back ♥ I kept doing what mothers do best; I loved her, cared for her and adored her... She missed it and within a month she was back home in the saftey of mom's home and all was good in the world again. lol I mean that from the bottom of my heart. Our children are the beats to our hearts and without them....... it stops beating :( God Bless & good luck

Kimberly - posted on 11/05/2011

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No don't feel that way. Remember, SHE'S 16....First of all teenagers have a hard time choosing which way they wany to go & if one parent has a more inviting living, then that's most likley the way they will go. Please don't take that the wrong way & think I was saying yours not the less inviting home.
I am divorced also so I definetly know what your going through hun. Really! Also last week just went through a rough break up with my bf of 3 yrs. Also even though I was moving out that day & he knew about it....I went in OUR house & found a blonde hunny in MY bed. Oh yeah, wanted 2 rip her long hair out. She just stayed there 2, for about 4 or 5 min. Unbelievable!

Jocelyn - posted on 11/05/2011

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I think the most important thing to focus on in such a heartbreaking situation is your child and her feelings. Something has driven her to seek refuge with her father, and that's what needs to be dealt with. Taking the time to wallow in a dark pit of despair is something for which you don't have the luxury right now. Get yourself back in the game and make it about your daughter and her needs. There will be plenty of time to feel hurt and lonely if she does indeed choose her dad, but if you summon your inner lioness right now, that will hopefully never come to pass! I wish you all the best!

Debbie - posted on 11/04/2011

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Kimberley, I hope you are doing ok.
I just found this, my 17 year old daughter just did the same thing 5 days ago, on her baby sisters 1st birthday. She had ran off to her dad a few times before but never longer than a day or two and always said she'd be back. those times.
This time is different, she has taken all of her belongings that mean anything to her, says that she has hated living here for 'a long time' and that she wants to stay with her dad. She has had issues at school, in the past she has self harmed and her dad is not equipped to deal with any of that, he thinks that if she doesn't want to bother with school then she may as well leave (we are in the UK and until the law changes in a year or 2 time they can currently leave at 16).
I have felt hurt, angry, lost and I haven't worked out what to do for the best. Reading the comments here has given me plenty to think about and I hope that for others of you in similar situations you can find some peace in your lives.
I have 4 other children, the oldest away at university the youngest just 1 year and they need me so I am trying to focus on that - but these past few days my 17 year old has been pretty much all I have thought about. I hope she will decide to return but then part of me thinks maybe it would be better for her to stay with her dad as she has caused a lot of trouble for the rest of us over the past 2 and a half years. Then I feel guilty as I don't want to give up on her. I think , as many others have said, that keeping the lines of communication open and letting them know they are loved is the most important thing we can do.

Mardi - posted on 10/30/2011

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Well on a positive note ladies. My nearly 18yr old son has just moved back with me/us. He finished his tests (here in australia). Since his father wont help him get a licence (be his licenced driver), nor will he pick him up or drop him off from any job he gets, he knew he needed to move back here if he wanted to get ahead in life.
He is about to start his 3rd week at his new job, has been doing a driving lesson with an instructor a week and is now saving for his own car.
The biggest drama is getting used to having another person in the house again, and trying to keep some chocolate in the fridge.....lol But its great to have him home.

Carlene - posted on 10/30/2011

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I am going thru the same exact thing, Kim. My 16 year old just left to move in with her dad. I know he was working on her, too. Partly because he wants to go after me for support money because he doesn't work. Also because I had some rules at my house and dad doesn't. It sucks and hurt so bad, but I had to learn to just suck it up and deal. She comes to my house every other weekend and now we actually get along a lot better because her father can deal with her attitude and I enjoy my time with her much more now. I hope it gets easier for you. Prayer also helped me to get through this, plus, knowing her father, I was kind of expecting it. I wish you the best.

MICHELLE - posted on 10/25/2011

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Wendy is exactly right!!...just went thru similar w/my 13yr son...he has been telling me for 2yrs "when he turns 13, he is going to live w/his dad"...well, about a month ago my son & I had a "disagreement" in which he thought his best choice was to "run away" on "my time/day"...he called dad who picked him up wherever he "ran to" & dad refused to tell me where he was or bring him BACK to me!..long story short..attny's involved said "let him stay w/dad until the next wkend, then he was to come back) we have 50/50 custody...he "argued about coming back" so we sat down & had a talk. I asked if he really wanted to "go live w/dad" he said YES (which really hurt) but I agreed to it as long as he agreed to come to me @ least every other wkend, he agreed. So he "lived w/dad" for 2 wks until MY next wkend w/him...@ the end of the wkend I asked when he planned on going back to dad (before school/after school?..) he asked what I wanted!!!...I told him I would LOVE for him to stay w/me but it was TOTALLY HIS DECISION...he then told me "HE WANTED to go BACK to our ORIGINAL time-share arrangement"!!!! I was ecstatic (inside) & agreed to HIS request & he has been back ever since! HAPPY & NO problems!!

Roby - posted on 10/20/2011

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Kimberley, my daughter did that very same thing 1 1/2 years ago, she was 15 and recently just turned 17. It broke my heart in a million pieces, I was angry at her for the rejection I was feeling for quite some time. Now it's better, I know she loves me...she needed a change...trust me when I tell you..it's about your daughter, it has nothing to do with you...sometimes our kids throw these loopholes in our paths and we have to stay strong for them!! Good luck, the anger will subside, the hurt will as well...do I miss my daughter....TONS!! Her sister and brother do as well...know your daughter loves you...eventually you will see that you did absolutely nothing wrong...hope this helps some.. :)

Rose - posted on 10/18/2011

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Don't let her know you are lost without her. Get involved with other activites and seek therapy to talk about your feelings. She is growing up and needs to be with her dad for a while, just give her space and love, and encouragement. find an activity or a class or make new friends. but let your daughter have this time with her dad. She needs a father in her life, just be there for her when she needs you, don't keep throwing it in her face because she is with her dad or she won't want to even call you or spend time with you at all. Be her mom, not her friend, she doesn't need a another friend, she needs a mom who is there for her when she needs you and be encouraging about her relationship with her dad too as this is important to her. Enjoy the time you do have with her, make it fun and light, but be ready to listen or talk to her if this is what she wants and or needs. Hang in there, as she grows up things will get better if you are wise and patient with her and above all, just love her and be the mom loves and needs.

Valerie - posted on 10/15/2011

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well when my older two were teenagers they did the same thing but at seperate times. It really hurt me because im the one who has been there for them all their lives and their father rarley seen them. It didnt last long at his house for either one of them. They were back in a few months. They are in their 20's now and my daughter now recognizes all i tried to do for her but my son still dont but thats ok well sorry i am starting to ramble. my point was they will probly be back.Good luck and hope your heart heals soon i know that feeling.

Melissa - posted on 10/12/2011

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I was talking to my oldest daughter today . She is 23 now with 2 babies and a step child, which is 13 now and giving her a hard time. In the beginning of the teen stuff . Let me say she apologized to me for giving me a hard time when she was 16 . She had to figure it out herself . If you keep the lines open for her to talk to you about things on her mind . Take her out and enjoy your time now and let her father deal with the BS now , cause he is making his life more complicated to add a teen to it and most men cant handle it , dont freat , as much as it is hard to handle to see her with her dad , remember you did all the hard work and all the good parts of her are from you .

Anita - posted on 10/12/2011

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Unfortunately I have done all these suggestions with my daughter in the last 2 years. The bottom line is: he never was a good father to her, he continues to not be a good father to her, he leaves the child rearing to his wife, her idea of parenting is to hold our 16 year old to the same rules as her 3 year old son, they blatantly discourage my daughter having any kind of relationship with me to the point where the judge has threatened to charge him with visitation interference, they constantly bad mouth me and my husband and my other two children(who are 1 year and 6 wks- what adult bashes a baby and says that baby is a bad person), they deny her appropriate medical care because they insist on using their doctors instead of the doctors my daughter has seen her whole life, and she still gets to live with him, eventhough she has changed her mind on the issue. BEWARE those of you who say the child will come back. Once they are of a certain age, the courts will not reverse the decision cuz some child rep will say it is detrimental to the child's academic progress. That is what my daughter lives with and is stuck because from the beginning money became the issue. He was automatically the better parent because he had more money.

Marie - posted on 10/12/2011

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My best advice is to approve of her leaving. Tell her you are proud she make her own choice and don't be a stranger. She may think about it and come back or may visit more. If you get mad she will not come back there to live. You did something she did not like and you may not even know what it was. Teens do not always tell their parents why they do things. They do it out of spite. Play along like you agree for at least a month and see what happens. Gave her praise for being able to make a decision that most grown adults can not but do not show any anger or it will back fire.

Linda - posted on 10/10/2011

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I can only say that if your honest within yourself you will take this time that you have been given to take care of you de-stress and be a better you. I cant imagine what your going through, but if for nothing take this time to take care of yourself take it .We as mothers give all we can its our unconditional love within us don't be so hurt that you resent or make her feel guilty, im sure easier said than done i just know the more you put the guilt trip the longer she may stay. Get out have a bit of a social life it may just be the thing that pulls you back together after she see's how you are enjoying life.

Janine - posted on 10/10/2011

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I wouldnt place blame on the father..your daughter is 16 and quite capable of making decisions on her own accord now. I would assume that it is much still a strained relationship for him and yourself but unfortunately you have to let this go and find a common ground for the sake of your child. If he is a good father to her, then maybe it might be his time to be with her in that respect. I could see how you may feel let down and angry as we as mothers give everything to our children. I would definately dislike it if my children said they would prefer to live with their dad but at the same time I know that would be happy and secure. I think trying to maintain and honest and open relationship with your daughter is of the utmost importance here. Dont impune her decision. When she see's you, make it about the two of you reconnecting and enjoying your time together. Anger from a parent has no place in a teenagers life..we can all relate to that. Be the strong woman who you were when you were raising your daughter. Maybe find other outlets for yourself such as friends or an activity that can ease your lonliness. What you need to remember is; Is that you are her mother, your relationship will never dwindle just because she isnt living with you anymore. Give her some time and I will assure you that she will realise what you gave to her in the way of love, respect etc as she matures. Hope this helps x

Pam - posted on 10/09/2011

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When my now sixteen year old at the age of fourteen told me he wanted to live with his dad, I was hurt, but we sat down and he told me why. he said he had had 14 wonderful years with me, but he wanted to spend the next 4 years with his father so he could forge a better relationship with him. Maybe she wants a better relationship with her father and doesnt know how to express it to you. Just ask her to sit down and have a talk with you. My son and I still have a great relationship, even though I'm not the full time parent, and he does keep me involved in his life. if you allow her to express why, without getting upset with her, you'll be amazed.

Charity - posted on 10/07/2011

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The most important thing is to stay positive. When you are upset, negative, etc. Kids will feed off of that. When the other parent is a "child" them self, it will only be "fun" for the teen for so long until they see that parent for what they really are. I know it's difficult and I know its painful just be as supportive as you can be. xoxo

Mary Ann - posted on 10/07/2011

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Sorry to seem negative but they do not always come to their senses and return to your home. If there are bitterness/anger issues they can stay with the other parent and if the other parent is a lot more lax on rules and gives them everything they want practically- as is my case - all the better or so they think. I hope it works out better for the other moms here than for me.

Charity - posted on 10/07/2011

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I would not take this personally. My son threatens it when he is upset with me. Teens feel that everything will be better w/ the other parent and when reality sets in, she will be back. You just can't allow your house to have a revolving door and she needs to except responsibility for her own actions. I am positive she still loves you. It is difficult and I am sure you are very hurt but support her and be there for her the best you can so she knows that she gets unconditional love from you.

Jaimie - posted on 10/01/2011

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He also has his Mom to help raise her. I dont have my moms help anymore as she has for the most part disowned us and adopted my ex husband and his GF. Whole nuther story there.

Jaimie - posted on 10/01/2011

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My 14 year old just did the same-although he doesnt pressure her, our current living situation was very cramped with 4 other people in a tiny house. I gave her everything I could though within my means. I feel exactly the same way you do.

Kellie - posted on 09/30/2011

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My oldest son has recently done the same thing. I know how you feel. Most teens, kids are going to want to be where the rules can be bent, no responsiblities and freedom. That is what my son has at his dads. It killed me and I was very angry at him for a while. But I also realized that where his father lived,...was his childhood home. I was forced out. He still wants to hold onto those memories. He is also starting to realize that the grass isn't as green on the other side. They have to make there own mistakes to figure out what's best for them. She will come around. And commuincation is the key. Tell her you understand and your there for her. Keep the same relationship you had. It can even make you both closer. Don't ever let her feel your dissappointment. Just be there for her.

Mscorr - posted on 09/30/2011

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I posted a while back about this,as my 18 daughter was going to move in with her dad. Well this is my 1st week without her. (I still have her sister) Miss her so, But also know she has so much to learn and will come to appreciate all I have and did do for her. At 18 they think they know it all , yet they know not much.
Head up..Im here if you need..

Cheryl

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